Author: Dunorlan

Summed up with one screen shot:

Well that didn’t take long did it?

Starring Avengers Anonymoose (and Jake):

• Alice as Celdar the Rogue – <sigh> I’m just going to turn around and slowly walk away…
• Jake as Abelas the Wizard – I don’t like to tell you how to Druid…
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Oooh! Hang on!!
• Mike as Regulus the Artificer – We waited three weeks for that…
• Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – No, it’s really funny!

With:

Gary as the DM – And your strength is… well, it’s a bit shit, frankly

Author’s Note: Back after a three week break as 2021 landed the DM in hospital yet again. The DM started the session a bit nervous that we might run out of content tonight. That did not happen. Actually, it wasn’t even close <sigh>

During the week, the jaundiced DM had sent a sarcastic message to Kraj on Steam, Kraj responded with “I’m more Alice than you Homer!” he did later correct it to ‘alive’ but the damage was done.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Matt couldn’t make it because he was tired. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Kraj Alice joined and told the DM that the Steam summer sale had just started.

DM> Well… shit.

Mike joined and the DM told him the Steam summer sale had just started.

Mike> Well… shit

The ridiculous price of graphics cards was discussed. Thanks Bitcoin!

• Mike> Adam said he won’t be here till seven.
• DM> Yeah, sorry, if I’d thought about it we could have delayed kickoff until seven.
• Mike> We could just talk shit about Adam for half an hour…
• DM> <laughing> Yeah, bore the tits off Christina.
• Christina> No, it’s really funny!

The ‘chicken ride’ at Brands Hatch was discussed. I’m not going to go into the circumstances of how that came about, this is going to be long enough as it is.

Jake warned everyone he had ordered a pizza and so would have to disappear suddenly at some point to take delivery.

The DM warned everyone that nausea was a side effect of his recent tribulations and so he might have to disappear suddenly to make a delivery.

The Return of the Seven Snakes!

We rejoin our intrepid adventurers (and Jake) on the riverside road to Nesmé where they once again come face to face with The Seven Snakes, a Zhentarim special ops unit that they first ran into way back at the start of the campaign in Nightstone.

Now this encounter was supposed to be relatively quick. The DM upped Mornbryn’s Shield into a much bigger event at the cost of reducing this relatively pointless skirmish to an actually pointless skirmish that should have been over really quickly.

The adventurers (and Jake) are now level 7 but the Snakes are only equivalent to CR ¼ Thugs and one Fireball and a few stabby things should end it in the first round of combat allowing us to swiftly move on to the meat of the session at Nesmé and Kryptgarden Forest. Well, that was the plan at least.

The DM quite liked the idea of the Seven Snakes but the book only gives them a fleeting appearance right at the start so the DM figures he can lay some groundwork to maybe, perhaps have these guys as recurring villains in this or other campaigns. To this end they need a method of coming back when defeated and they need personalities, probably not for this encounter but, if things escalate, maybe later.

So the DM has sketched out some really basic personality traits that may get expounded upon depending on any future interactions:

No’Baconne Beutay is the leader; he is a vicious bully, smart but but not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. Copperhead, Viper and Python are just standard thugs (at the moment). Anaconda is really strong but really stupid. Cobretti is just like the movie character; vain, obsessed with looking cool, quite stupid but also quite tough (he also has the way OTT growly whisper from the movie).

Black Mamba is a half-orc and she is not quite sane, a bit of a psycho, afraid of nothing (including death) and absolutely tough as nails. She is the strongest of the snakes and the one you really don’t want to piss off.

Absolutely none of that should matter here though, beyond the customary exchange of unpleasantries before we get to the customary exchange of pointy objects. The DM had a bit of witty banter and some quality insults lined up, we’d get that out of the way and the Snakes would go down faster than Kraj’s mum on the DM’s birthday.

Absolutely nothing could go wrong, right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Aggressive Negotiations

DM> The Seven Snakes are waiting for you, blocking the road. Would you like to engage in hostilities from where you are or would you like to advance for the customary exchange of insults?

Now this is a no-brainer right? Insults are fun and expected. There’s a structure, a formality to this kind of thing, right? Right.

Sadly, ‘and Jake’ seems to be starting to rub off on the rest of them.

• Regulus> Right, we made this mistake last time didn’t we? I just reckon Jake launches a Fireball at the middle of them!
• <laughter>
• DM> <sigh>
• Abelas> It’s not a bad idea…
• Abelas> We’ve established that they are just dicks, haven’t we?
• Adam> Are these ten foot squares?
• Mike> You’ve got Black Mamba there and Python but I don’t think… I think Anaconda wants some!
• <Groans. The DM didn’t get it>
• DM> Black Mamba is… ah, watch out for Black Mamba.
• Regulus> Although Anaconda doesn’t want any… unless we’ve got buns.
• <Sad, pathetic laughter. The DM still doesn’t get it>
• Abelas> I tried to ignore that joke the first time you made it, I was just going to leave it be and hope he just leaves it… but nope!
• Regulus> Never! Not until I’ve beaten it to death!
• DM> Right, hands up, I don’t understand it, but I am very tired.

Things You Didn’t Want To Know But Have Been Forced To Find Out About Anyway

So the DM is old enough to remember when MTV was a music channel and his musical tastes are fairly eclectic and run from jazz to country to metal to 80’s soft rock pap but mainly singer songwriter stuff, music that tells tales from all genres including, brace yourselves, some rap (but not much).

Anyway, at this point in the write up I decided to watch the video for Anaconda.

I now feel really old.

And somewhat pervy and mildly censorious, which is new.

But mostly just old.

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there’s some place that he’d rather be
He says Bill I believe this is killing me
As a smile ran away from his face
Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place

Piano Man – Songwriter: Billy Joel

---

Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
(Look at her butt)
Look at, look at, look at
Look, at her butt

Anaconda – Songwriters: Clark Ernest / Palacios Marcos Enrique / Maraj Onika Tanya / Jones Jamal F / Ray Anthony L / Myvett Jonathan

Like I said, really old <sigh>

Obviously all the chapter titles for the rest of this write up are going to be lyrics from Anaconda. Some of them are scarily appropriate. Others… not so much.

Who wanna go first? I had ’em pushing daffodils

Abelas lobs a Fireball straight into the Snakes without any preamble, style or sophistication.

It was rather effective though and it burned up a bunch of Snakes and all the DM’s prepared dialogue <sigh>

• Abelas> I would like to do the customary warning that it is a very low DC save.
• Regulus> We’re going to have to hear you say it!
• Abelas> <laughing> It is a DC14 save…
• Regulus> FOURTEEN?!

Never. Gets. Old..

• Abelas> Ok, I’m going to cast it… but them I’m going to run down stairs to pick up my pizza! Good luck!
• DM> No’Baconne Beutay says “Ah, we meet again friends! You’ve done well for yourselves since we first met and you were lowly caravan guards pretending to be adventurers (and Jake). What brings you to MY road at this…” WHOOSH!
• Regulus> Yeah, that’s pretty much it!
• DM> The Fireball streaks into the middle of them…
• Regulus> I think that’s a DC14 save…

Two of the Snakes made the save and the DM applied some cheese to decide who made it for half damage; No’Baconne and Black Mamba. The rest took 30 damage and had 2 hit points left each.

Roll initiative!

The DM determined that Abelas would go last in exchange for getting the Fireball off uncontested.

The DM also decided not to fill out the initiative board on the table because we wouldn’t need it, right? Right.

Real country-ass <deleted*>, let me play with his rifle

*Ok, I really don’t want to put in the actual lyric here. However, my search for an alternative led me to the Urban Dictionary page which, as usual, renders up some pure gold:

“Term used amongst African Americans to denote companionship, sort of like mate is used by Brits or cunt by Australians.”

Epic.

• Elvira> I’ll go for the front guy.
• Joffrey> Everyone can kill-steal from Jake!
• Alice> By the time Jake gets a go they’ll all be dead.
• <You would have thought so, right?!>
• Abelas> It’s the only way half-casters can get kills.
• <gasps>
• Elvira> Twenty eight to hit?
• <laughter>
• DM> No’Baconne Beutay dies in the middle of a screaming rant about how he will pay you back for this, as two arrows hit him mid-chest THWOCK-THWOCK. Down he goes. Elvira, you just casually lean on your longbow and cock an eyebrow at Alice.
• Alice> <laughing> What could possibly go wrong?

And then, dear reader, it starts to go off the rails.

By the way, what he say?

• Regulus> Can I suggest that we possibly keep one of them alive? To interrogate them to see what else is going on?
• <The DM dies inside a little>
• Alice> If we have a prisoner…
• Regulus> Christina will shoot him the next turn but we get one turn to question him!
• Joffrey> Well, just kill them because I can bring them back with Healing Word…
• Alice> Right, longbow shot, I’ll go for Anaconda…
• <Alice rolls a 2>
• <The DM starts laughing hysterically>
• Regulus> <invokes a heathen deity> We waited three weeks for that…
• DM> <having lost it completely> I feel so much better all of a sudden!
• Alice> <sigh> I’m just going to turn around and slowly walk away…

Gun in my purse, bitch, I came dressed to kill

Joffrey moves forwards and cuts loose with the WoMM, upping it to three charges and thus getting 5 x d4+1 missiles. Five of the Snakes that only had two hit points left were hit and killed.

• Abelas> Kill-stealing little bitch!
• Joffrey> I’m going to bonus action blow on the end of my WoMM and pocket it while spinning it and winking at the wizard.

Jake was too busy stuffing his face with pizza to offer a suitable retort.

This did however, give the DM an idea… er, Joffrey with the WoMM, not Jake with the pizza. More on that next session.

Look at her butt, look at, look at, look at, look at her butt!

DM> It’s the Snakes turn and Black Mamba screams “You bastards! The Seven Snakes will rise again” and then she turns, dashes and dives into the river and disappears beneath the surface.

So Black Mamba has escaped, the fight is over and we just have to wrap up the looting and move on to Nesmé right? Right.

• DM> Regulus?
• Regulus> I don’t suppose I can see her by any chance?
• DM> No… did you want to tinker a depth charge?
• Regulus> No, I was thinking that if I knew where she was I could magic missile her.
• DM> Erm… ok, now we’re playing battleships. You have to guess the square and launch an attack there and hope you get lucky.

Now, in my defence I really didn’t seriously think they’d be able to find Black Mamba once she was in the water and so I wasn’t thinking about it much and I kind of fucked up here. The description for Magic Missile says “Each dart hits a creature that you can see within range”.

Eh, rule of cool and all that and is didn’t make much difference to the outcome. Adam made a difference to the outcome. Oh yes he did.

DM> There are 16 squares there, I’ll number them and you get to pick one.

The DM picked square 2, Regulus attacked square 9. He chose… poorly.

But this is pointless right, 15 to one odds, Black Mamba is over 100ft away and underwater. On her next turn she’ll dash again and the odds of hitting her go up exponentially. It’s all over bar the swimming, basically.

Joffrey> Elvira is going to kill this dude with her Seeking Arrow anyway.

Ok.. the DM now thinks two things:

• A) Shit, I didn’t think of that.
• B) What the fuck is it with Adam constantly mis-gendering the NPCs?! Black Mamba has repeatedly been referred to as ‘she’ throughout the session and it’s a female model. WTF dude?!

The DM happens to know a thing or two about ballistics but despite his warnings, Adam decides to have Clay fire a longbow into the water at a flat angle from over 100ft away and Black Mamba is at least 10ft down. Maybe if fired straight down from close to the surface it might penetrate far enough to do some damage (bow fishing is a thing after all) but from where they were, no chance.

Abelas has a bunch of options including Fireball into the water or a Storm Sphere on top of it. He dithers for a while and then decides to not do anything. This is actually the sensible choice I think.

We then had a digression into the fact that everyone but Mike thinks greyhounds are spectacularly ugly dogs. Mike’s point that they are better than people was uncontested but the original point stands.

• DM> Top of the round, are you going to continue to pursue her?
• Abelas> Nah.
• Joffrey> Elvira will! Oh my <heathen deity>! Elvira, use your stuff!
• DM> <sigh>
• Regulus> Joffrey desperately wants Elvira to use her Seeking Arrow.
• Abelas> I feel Adam wants to be Elvira…
• Joffrey> I’ve had a taste of power ok?
• Regulus> Adam’s rolling an Arcane Archer next time!

Yes but then Adam will blow everything in the first round of combat and then complain that he has nothing else to do except shoot arrows for the rest of the fight.

Fuck me, D&D is complicated. So now the DM rules that it is still just an arrow. It is magically guided, not magically propelled so it will head towards the water but will still have issues penetrating when it gets there (much like the DM with Kraj’s mum). However, it will give an indication of where the target is because they will all see where it hit the surface.

During the session the DM was rather preoccupied looking stuff up for the shit show the players were busy creating out of a pretty fucking simple fight and missed some stuff. As noted previously the DM thought that Adam was the cause of the main derailment but no, it was fucking Alice <sigh>

I’m high as hell, I only took a half a pill, I’m on some dumb shit

So the problem is that soon Black Mamba will get another go and properly escape. The only things stopping her are Elvira, Alice and Joffrey.

• Abelas> He’s got a WoMM!
• Regulus> <triumphant> Yes! <despondent> Oh, he just used most of the charges…
• Alice> Do you have anything melee wise?
• <The DM notices that Alice, being a northerner, manages to repeatedly mispronounce melee as meelee <sigh>>
• Joffrey> I don’t think I’ll be able to get to him…
• Alice> I… er.. I can help you with that!
• <Silence as the full potential consequences of that sink in>
• <Slightly hysterical laughter>
• Joffrey> <dubiously> I don’t think you want a…
• Regulus> Octopus?
• Joffrey> <starting to see it> … er.. oh yeah, hang on!
• <more laughter>
• Joffrey> <wetting his pants> Oooh! Hang on!!
• Abelas> He’s seen the cheese everybody!
• Joffrey> I can turn into swimming stuff now!
• Regulus> Shark!
• Joffrey> Giant Octopus! Hunter Shark! Get me in there, Hunter Shark is going for it!

The DM is having one of those bouts of nausea as he realises this has now gone completely sideways and he has to fill out the initiative board after all. This is going to be complicated <sigh>

• Abelas> I love that we are about to burn everything in order to do this!
• Regulus> I know, it’s great!
• Joffrey> How often am I going to be able to turn into something that can swim and be useful?
• Regulus> For once I fully support this…

So what they referred to as ‘the plan’ but the DM thought of as ‘the fucking disaster’ was for Alice to Dimension-Door Joffrey to the water, Joffrey would then adopt the shape of a giant octopus and drop into the water where he would search for Black Mamba. The DM missed the octopus part of that because he was distracted making a rushed shark mini because Adam had clearly said “Get me in there, Hunter Shark is going for it!” <sigh>

Prior to all of that was Elvira’s turn and the Seeking Arrow was fired. The DM rules that the arrow hit the water on the correct bearing but Black Mamba then rolled high and made the Dex save so Elvira was not certain of her position BUT the adventurers (and Jake) clearly saw where the arrow hit the water BUT we are dealing with a 3D grid so the DM draws a line from Elvira to the impact site and then on through the area where Black Mamba might be. She can only be in one of three squares and they’ve already eliminated one of those.

“One Fireball” the DM had foolishly thought at the start, “One Fireball and a few stabbies and we’re done”.

I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club

If our two intrepid teleporters attempt arrive in the same square as Black Mamba, they will take a hefty 4d6 damage and fail to teleport. Since they don’t actually know where the target is they elect to teleport in just above the water of square 2. Square 2 is where the DM put Black Mamba.

• Adam> This is almost as good as Operation Electric Ferret!
• Jake> This is much better than Operation Electric ferret.
• Adam> You watch your mouth!
• Jake> Electric Ferret was a really badly thought out operation! Didn’t it achieve fuck-all?
• Adam> No! It went down in D&D history!
• DM> It failed because they were in a wooden boat.
• Adam> I thought they were swimming weren’t they?
• DM> <sigh> No, they were in a boat going under the chain. You sent the ferret out to cast lightning on the chain but the guy holding the chain was standing in a wooden boat.

The DM now has to expound on the properties of electricity, especially the bit about how current needs to flow and how non-conductive material e.g. wood, stops that current flow.

Say he don’t like ’em boney, he want something he can grab

• Abelas> Right the, the moment of truth!
• DM> Alice?
• Alice> I stroll up cockily…
• Joffrey> You stroll up with what out?!
• Alice> Shout “HOW HARD CAN IT BE?” and touch Joffrey on the shoulder…
• DM> Wait… you touch Joffrey on the shoulder and ask him how hard it can be?
• Regulus> Is that both hands… one on each shoulder, yeah?
• <sniggers>
• Regulus> And then you whisper into his ear “brace yourself!”?
• DM> <sigh> Ok, so you then Dimension Door to where?
• Alice> Umm… is it best to be on the beach and then you can go in Joffrey?
• <Sigh, there’s no beach, it’s a river, it has a bank>
• DM> <losing it> Are we still talking about the same thing?
• Joffrey> Wherever you like… I’m taking a free ride here.
• DM> <incoherent babble> … free ride! <loses it again>
• Alice> <sigh> Get your fucking mind out of the gutter.
• <The DM has to take a moment to gather himself>
• DM> <deep breath> Joffrey, are you willing? Or… <loses it again> are you going to just watch him swan off into the distance?
• Joffrey> I consent!

Joffrey appears in the air above square 2 and Alice arrives in an adjacent square. They instantly drop into the water.

He keep telling me it’s real, that he love my sex appeal

• DM> How high above the water?
• Alice> Er… like, an inch?
• Regulus> It’s just an inch to start with, but once he gets…
• Joffrey> Once he gets excited!
• Regulus> Just the tip, yeah?
• <several seconds of dirty laughter>
• DM> <sigh> For fuck sake… Er… <train of thought last spotted going thattaway →>
• Joffrey> Er.. can your character swim?
• <silence>
• <hysteria>

It’s a tad late to ask that question 🙂

We then had to deal with Joffrey wanting to be an octopus but the DM made a shark mini, so tough.

The DM has an idea and deploys some stands used for flying monsters to represent the 3D underwater positions of the shark the psycho and the emo. The shark swims down to the psycho and attacks her for 19 damage while the emo wallows about on the surface.

Spoilers: there’s an hour of this session left yet and most of it is spent still on this map.

So the DM has to decide if a shark can knock out an opponent with a bite attack. Frankly, at this point, the DM just decided to let it all happen.

• DM> Ok, Black Mamba is now unconscious and I’m quite disappointed that she didn’t get a go because on her turn she was going to grapple Alice… and manacle herself to him.
• <shocked and disappointed laughter>
• Joffrey> Can I drag her to the surface?
• DM> How are you going to do that?
• Joffrey> With my teeth…?
• DM> Ok, that’s a death save….
• <laughter>
• DM> Alright, not really.

Yes, the DM might be going with the flow but he has also decided that as the adventurer’s (and Jake) want to be awkward twats, the DM can can play that game too. Yes, it’s petty but it’s also quite funny and hugely satisfying and that makes it ok, right? Right.

Fuck you if you skinny bitches. What? Yeah. Ha-ha, ha…

• Joffrey> I’m just going to grab her gently by the back of the shirt…
• Regulus> <laughing> Because sharks are known for their fine motor skills!
• Abelas> I don’t like to tell you how to Druid…
• <Abelas immediately tells Joffrey how to Druid>
• Abelas> But can’t you just un-shark at any time?
• <Ok, that’s un-shark added to the DM’s custom Word dictionary <sigh>>
• DM> It doesn’t actually matter because you’ve had your turn. It is Black Mamba’s turn and she is bleeding. So that’s a death save… <DM rolls a 3> and that’s the first failed save.
• DM> Regulus?
• Regulus> Umm…
• DM> All you’ve seen is these two idiots disappear into the water and a pool of blood appears on the surface of the river.

Regulus casually wanders over to Elvira, says “’sup?” and does nothing else.

Wise man.

Clay and Abelas do the same thing and the DM plonks a nice campfire down on the road so they can roast some marshmallows while they are waiting for Alice and the shark to finish fucking about in the river.

• DM> Elvira?
• Elvira> Can I shoot the prisoner?
• <laughter>
• DM> Absolutely but we still have the ‘arrows into water’ issue. Interestingly I think if you fire the arrow from in the water, that’s a little different.

Elvira had a think about it and decided that roasting marshmallows sounded like a great idea.

Alice swims to the bank and Sharkfrey drags Black Mamba up alongside him, they are all still in the water. Black Mamba fails her second death save. The DM took this moment to point out that Black Mamba is a large half-orc, dressed in armour, soaking wet and a dead weight, and that Alice has a Str modifier of -3, so dragging her out of the river is going to be interesting.

See? Being awkward is funny!

Regulus runs up the river bank towards the site of the ongoing disaster adventure.

• Regulus> I kind of want to use my Bag of Tricks because if I get a big enough animal, I can get it to drag her out of the water couldn’t I?
• <silence>
• <laughter>
• Abelas> <incoherent babbling>… another bite…<incoherent babbling>
• DM> I was a little worried we’d run out of content this session…
• Regulus> I choose you… cmonAnonymoose, cmonAnonymoose <rolls an 8> ANONYMOOSE!
• DM> <sigh>
• Regulus> Now, can I instruct Anonymoose to go and pull Black Mamba onto the shore?
• DM> <casually> Anonymoose doesn’t want anything to do with that, there’s a shark there. No self respecting Giant Elf is going to go anywhere near a shark! Anonymoose just kind of looks at you sceptically.

At this point the DM realises that being a dick just for the sake of it may be funny but it aint getting this map finished any faster.

Little in the middle but she got much back

• Regulus> I look at Anonymoose and say “It’s ok, it’s a friendly shark”
• DM> Ok make <loses the plot> make a persuasion… make a persuasion check… <descends into hysteria>… with advantage!
• Alice> Is it more of a deception check… because it is Adam?

The persuasion check was passed and it turns out that Giant Elk have a pretty hefty Str modifier and Regulus cheeses Flash of Inspiration to add +4 to that and Black Mamba is successfully dragged from the water.

• DM> Clay?
• <silence>
• <more silence>
• DM> <sigh> Abelas?
• Adam> Oh shit, that’s me, sorry!
• <laughter>

Everyone not re-enacting Baywatch stayed by the fire with the marshmallows.

• DM> Alice?
• Alice> I will get myself up out of the water…
• DM> Ok, make a Strength check to see if you can pull yourself out.
• Alice> <laughing> Oh you dick!
• <Hey, you started this shit Mr I Can Help You With That!>
• DM> What? You’ve never tried to pull yourself out of a swimming pool? It’s not easy is it? And your strength is… well, it’s a bit shit, frankly.
• Alice> It… I… I… It’s a fucking beach!
• <At no point in this session has the DM referred to a ‘beach’ because it’s a fucking river and it has a fucking BANK!>
• Alice> <rolls> That’s a 6 <sigh>
• DM> You fail to make it out and are still floundering about in the river.
• Alice> Well fuck you! I’ll Misty Step up the fucking hill…
• <Hill? <sigh> Don’t they have river banks up north?>
• DM> You are at water level, the bank is two feet high, you have to Misty Step to somewhere you can see I believe?
• <sympathetic laughter>
• Alice> <sigh> Can I see Anonymoose’s horns?
• <Horns?! It’s a fucking Elk they have fucking ANTLERS!!>
• DM> Yes. Ok, you take 1d6 damage from landing on the pointy ‘horns’.
• Alice> Roll away!
• DM> <rolls a 5> Get in. You are now impaled…
• <laughter>
• DM> … on Anonymoose.
• Alice> <laughing> Can I stabilise her?
• DM> Not from up there.
• Regulus> Can you still move, do you have any movement left?
• Alice> Can I use my movement to get down?
• DM> Yes… but you used half your movement trying to get out of the river and Anonymoose is huge…
• <more sympathetic laughter>
• DM> <rather self righteously> You fuckers did this, I’m just following the physics of the situation! So huge beasts are 15ft wide and I’d say somewhat taller… 20 feet?
• Regulus> Plus the horns and Anonymoose is a magnificent beast so I’d say at least 30 feet high.
• Alice> <sigh>
• DM> We’ll call it 25 so 2d6 falling damage <rolls> so 7 damage… and you land prone.
• <laughter>
• <Alice falls from Anonymoose and lands adjacent to the unconscious Black Mamba>
• DM> You do not have enough movement speed to stand up.
• Abelas> I feel like we are watching a Carry-On movie!

I let him hit it ’cause he slang Cocaine

• DM> Joffrey?
• Joffrey> Ok, this is what I want to do… I want to swim as fast as I can to launch myself…
• DM> No.
• Joffrey> …out of the water…
• DM> No.
• Joffrey> …bonus action…
• DM> No.
• Joffrey> …sorry, action to turn into Joffrey…
• DM> No.
• Joffrey> … and stabilise her.
• DM> No…. Wait.. hang on, <sigh> let me check YouTube.

Some moments later…

DM> Well according to the Internet, great whites can jump up to 8 to 10 feet out of the water. Well, shit. <sigh> How big a run up do you want?

Fucking D&D.

So now we get Sharkfrey backing up 20ft to get a proper run at it and the DM has to calculate how far a shark can jump onto land. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming at the start of the session.

• DM> Right you can jump your strength.. actually, sod it, you are going to jump your strength distance so you leap majestically out of the water. Unfortunately for you, Anonymoose has lowered its head to shake off Alice…
• <giggles>
• DM> .. and you then end up spiked on Anonymoose’s antlers as Joffrey. It doesn’t do you any damage but you are now dangling off of the antlers by your robes.
• <some players seemed lost for words at this stage>
• Joffrey> Right.. erm…
• DM> You can just put your arms up and slip out of your robes.
• Joffrey> I can’t get de-robed! I’m just going to air-gun Healing Word at the unconscious and dying Black Mamba
• <The DM starts to get quietly excited about this as Adam doesn’t seem to realise that it is Black Mamba’s go next so if he heals her, she is going to dive straight back in the river again>
• Alice (AKA The Fun Police)> No one is there to hold her, she’ll run away.
• Regulus> Yes!
• DM> <sigh>
• Joffrey> Right, I drop out of my robes and use Healing Word on her…
• Regulus> NONONO!
• Alice> WOAH!
• Abelas> Lol!
• Regulus> Stabilise her!

So, sadly, naked Joffrey stabilises Black Mamba. Fuck you Alice!

It has been 1 hour and 7 minutes since Black Mamba dove into the water and this is where we have got to:

Brace yourselves, dear reader, we aint done yet.

• DM> Ok, what are you stabilising her with?
• <Silence>
• <Profound silence>
• <The kind of silence where everyone is thinking “uh-oh, Adam didn’t buy a healers kit!”>
• Joffrey> <somewhat shamefully> I don’t think… er… I don’t think I’ve got a healer’s kit…
• <Groans, swearing, laughter, mockery>

Joffrey elects to make a Medicine check and rolls a 5, luckily he gets plus 7 to that and only needs a 10. Black Mamba is finally stabilised.

He keep telling me to chill

DM> Right, here we are again, what are you going to do?

Black Mamba is searched but Regulus rolled rather low on the Perception check and he missed a few things. They did find her manacles and promptly used them on her and they also found what at first looked to be a tattoo on her inner forearm but on closer inspection was more like a brand. It was deeply unpleasant to look at and appeared to writhe slightly and made those observing it quite uncomfortable. They find the same brand on all of the Snakes.

They drag her across the road to where the bandit tents are. We then lost more time because Mike wanted to search the tents and Alice wanted to search the fucking boat <sigh> They found nothing, amazingly, and then remembered they had a prisoner.

They spent some time trying to remember why they thought taking a prisoner was a good idea and what exactly they hope to learn from her. They pretty much came up blank and the DM reluctantly agreed to summarise the Nesmé plot points. The DM wasn’t reluctant because he thought they should have remembered, it has been a month since the last session due to the sick DM being sick again, but more because the DM knows what is about to happen. Anyway:

They mercenary forces under the command of Oboth the Zhentarim that they fought in Mornbryn’s Shield were originally guarding this road to prevent anyone going into Nesmé. There some kind of big important meeting happening there but only Zhentarim personnel are allowed in the town. That’s about it.

Black Mamba was manacled with her hands behind her and Joffrey casts Healing Word. Black Mamba, upon regaining consciousness, immediately stands up, runs over and attempts to head butt Anonymoose. She missed and fell over again.

Abelas attempts to question her but she tries to kick him, she missed again. They tell her they are going to kill her if she doesn’t stop, so she immediately tries to kick Abelas again. She lands it but Abelas casts Shield. Abelas decides to brag about how powerful he is <sigh>, she tries to kick him again, misses again and so spits on him instead. They are starting to realise they aren’t getting anywhere.

• Joffrey> We could drag her over to the river and waterboard her! No, hang on, I’ve got the flagon… not flagon…
• Regulus> <sigh> The Alchemy Jug?
• Joffrey> That’s it! I could waterboard her with vinegar.
• <laughter>
• DM> <Dismissively> But obviously vinegar isn’t one of the things in the Alchemy Jug.
• Joffrey> Is it not?
• DM> No. It’s your magic fucking item!
• Joffrey> But it is, I’ve got two gallons of it!
• DM> <Dubiously> Vinegar is in the Alchemy Jug?
• Joffrey> Yeah! Two gallons of it!
• DM> Well Adam, I apologise. You do know your magic fucking item!

They discussed the merits of the various liquids until the DM stepped in and told them she was clearly a bit unhinged and not remotely frightened of any of the adventurers (and especially Jake) and didn’t seem unduly bothered by dying either. They simply picked the worst Snake to interrogate. Their options were to either let her go, kill her or try and torture some information out of her.

Abelas stabbed the helpless prisoner to death. As she dies she stares deeply into his eyes and promises to come back for him.

End of Session.

I’ll cover theNesmé set up next week.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – How, exactly, will they fuck up in Nesmé?
• – Will Matt be too tired?
• – Will Alice hit anything?

Tune in next week to find out!

• Karl/Kraj as Celdar the Elf That Broke It (Twice) – It’s Charisma… you’re fucked!
• Jake as Abelas the Tree-Wrangler – I’m waving my arms and muttering gibberish!
• Adam as Joffrey the Sex-Offender Enabler – Does this smell like chloroform to you?
• Mike as Regulus the Sex-Offender Counsellor – I’m sorry, what?
• Christina as Elvira the Silent Voice of Reason – Yeah, do it!

• With:
• Gary as the DM – I am once again actually, physically, face-palming right now.

Author’s Note: I nearly called this session off because I was feeling like shit. While you may get the impression from the below that I wish I did, I’m really glad I didn’t.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t.

Pre-session Guff

As usual, Kraj joined early and whinged at the DM about various stuff making the DM’s set up of tonight’s encounters at Nesmé a bit more difficult that it needed to be.

• DM> If you dispose of the Darkscale armour from your inventory and then re-add it again you should find it now grants proficiency in medium armour when worn.
• <Kraj promptly ignored this and simply unequipped it and then re-equipped it>
• Kraj> That didn’t work, maybe if I delete it from my inventory and re-add it?
• DM> <deep breath, stay calm> That’s what I said, didn’t I?
• Kraj> I didn’t catch that, all I caught was un-equip it and re-equip it…
• <silence… possibly the sound of a faint thudding>
• Kraj> ..and er.. I may have been off headset for a second…
• <silence>
• <laughter>
• Kraj> Hi future Gary! Yes, Kraj wasn’t paying attention!
• DM> Whoooosaaaaah…

The DM goes on to explain to Kraj that he isn’t feeling great tonight and that Covid is indeed still kicking the DM’s arse after 5 months.

• DM> It’s not as bad as it has been but…
• Mike> Hello!
• DM> ….I’m just a bit sick of it now. Er… not you Mike.
• <laughter>

The shortcomings of Mass Effect Legendary were discussed and whether or not it was worth buying if you already own the games.

We also discussed whether Mike’s recent investment in Biomutant was going to pay off. It aint looking good.

The DM went to turn off the Mass Effect 3 soundtrack playing in RythmBot. He mistakenly first clicked on Spotify even though it isn’t playing through Spotify, he then managed to open OBS which was still not Discord and finally he then managed to mis-click on Windows Explorer instead.

DM> <sigh> This is going to be a long session.

I had no idea…

Adam found a screenshot from the first lockdown of three idiots playing Wildlands doing a triple-sniper-in-cowboy-hats combo. The DM linked his Steam screenshots and pointed out the large number of pictures of vehicles upside down and burning, all Kraj’s work. The man has a gift when it comes to turning working machinery into orientationally challenged scrap that is on fire.

Hmm, seems ‘orientationally’ isn’t a word. It damn well should be!

Matt couldn’t make it because he had to go to… go to… <deep breath> go to a cocktail party.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Despite the amount of Pre-Session Guff we actually got started relatively quickly… like 15 minutes after we were supposed to instead of 40 minutes like usual.

Of Mice and Men

At the end of the last session they party had pretty much decided to pop up the road to Nesmé and find out what the Zhentarim were up to. As Nesmé is right next to Mornbryn’s Shield, where they are starting the session, the DM was confident that they would continue up the road to the content he had prepped for this evening. Absolutely nothing could go wrong, right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

The DM rather foolishly laid out the other locations available, mainly as a reminder for their travel options after we get done with Nesmé. For no reason the DM could discern, they suddenly didn’t want to go to Nesmé at all <sigh>

• Regulus> Where does everyone want to go?
• Celdar> Weren’t we going to Nesmé?
• Regulus> Well we thought about Nesmé but Adam wanted to go to Shadowtop Cathedral.
• Joffrey> Because we were told not to do it last time!
• Abelas> We were only told not to do it because we didn’t have a quest there.
• Regulus> Yeah, you just wanted to go sightseeing!

The DM has absolutely no problem with going sightseeing, you just have to tell him in advance which sights you plan on seeing.

So in the inevitable planning session, Nesmé became Nestlé and they discussed it at length and once again used logic and reason to decide on their next course of action.

Of course they didn’t as they once again rolled a fucking die to decide <sigh>.

• DM> I am once again actually, physically, face-palming right now.
• <Adam rolls the die>
• Adam> This is Mike’s idea, I’m just pressing the button… <rolls> Shadowtop!
• Mike> Shadowtop is where we’re going to!
• DM> <deep, heartfelt sigh>
• <some laughter>
• Kraj> You know all that prep you were doing Gary?
• DM> <resignedly> Yeah.
• Mike> <laughing> Gary… we did say if you want us to go somewhere, just tell us!
• Jake> Yeas, otherwise we are going to make it difficult.
• DM> That is not how it works. See, I’d look at the map and go “Oh look, Nesmé is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!” but no, you lot go “No! Let’s go back AWAY from the closest point” but that’s fine… everything is ok…
• <laughter>

I’d like everyone to just mentally store this moment in your brains until the end of the session. They started in Mornbryn’s Shield just a short journey to Nesmé but they went to Shadowtop Cathedral instead. Just remember that fact.

All jokes aside, player agency is quite important in D&D. However, there have to be limits on it. As we are running a book campaign and not a homebrew world, we have to follow the structure of the book. While the players must start chapter 1 in Nightstone and they must finish chapter 1 in <redacted>, in between those two places they get a certain amount of free will on where to go and what to do. Eventually they will meet the criteria for kicking off chapter 2 at <redacted>.

However, we can’t have complete free will due to the technical limitations of TTS; the maps need time to build and can’t be made on the spot.

When I prep for a session, I’ll usually put quite a bit of time into where I think the players are going to end up, but I’ll also re-read the sections where they might end up. If they can reasonably end up somewhere, the maps and minis would have been prepared but not necessarily put in place yet. If the players go somewhere unexpected, but still reasonable, the content can be prepped during the session.

If the players go somewhere unreasonable, then we have a problem likely to result in “Ok, we’ll come back next week”.

That has never happened yet… fate –> tempted.

Definitions

Carrying on the disaster them from last week, D&D beyond suddenly decided the DM needed to buy the Storm King’s Thunder book even though he already owns it <sigh>. Some logging in and out eventually fixed it.

The DM did point out that if the players hadn’t gone to the wrong fucking place, none of this would have happened. Just sayin’!

The DM asked the players about their travel route:

• DM> Do you wish to go via Flint Rock, which is on they way?
• Abelas> No? I think we go down to Yartar and then make our way through the route that we know is vaguely safe.
• Regulus> Flint Rock sounds safe.
• Joffrey> Yeah, Flint Rock sounds pretty sturdy!
• DM> <sigh>
• Regulus> What’s Gary just put in the chat?

Adventurer

noun

– A person who enjoys or seeks out adventure

– Someone who seeks dangerous or exciting experiences

Abelas> Gary is trying to shame me for not being adventurous! I have 37 hit points! I have to be careful!

Pansy

noun

– One who lacks courage, One who backs down from a challenge

• Regulus> I feel that might be Gary’s dictionary…
• DM> There are several different dictionaries on the Internet and this one is one that everybody should look up ‘European Steamboat’ on.

Then we had another problem. The problem was that Kraj (who else?) couldn’t see the green destination markers on the map <sigh> The DM took some drastic action to highlight them to him:

The session lapsed into varied conversations until Kraj asked if it were Christina’s go. The DM pointed out he was still waiting for the players to make their minds up about where they were actually going and the route they were taking.

Some dithering took place and the DM stepped in to try and get this shit show back on track using a tried and tested psychological technique:

• DM> Wait, wait, wait, let me take charge of this Mike, I can get it sorted out quickly! Right everybody, Jake really doesn’t want to go to Flint Rock…
• <laughter>
• DM> Adam do you want to go to Flint Rock?
• Adam> Absolutely!
• DM> Mike, do you want to go to Flint Rock?
• Mike> One hundred percent!
• DM> Kraj, do you want to go to Flint Rock?
• Kraj> Yes!
• DM> Christina, would you like to go to Flint Rock?
• Christina> Yes.
• DM> Good, we’re going to Flint Rock then!
• Jake> <laughing> I fucking hate you all!

The spirit mound of the Elk tribe of the Uthgardt Barbarians is situated in the midst of the Evermoors atop a gnarly knob of flinty stone that’s perpetually shrouded in fog. Its rings, cairns, and altar mound are created from piles of heaped rock, barren of plant growth. The altar is a rectangular slab of stone 10 feet long, 6 feet wide, and 3 feet tall, its surfaces worn smooth by time. The enormous basin surrounding the altar mound is shaped like the silhouette of a leaping elk stag, although this image isn’t readily apparent when the area is seen from ground level. Buried under the cairns are the bones of the Elk tribe’s greatest warriors.

On the higher ground of the ring outside the basin, placed outward from the altar along the cardinal directions, are four menhirs of solid gray stone that the Elk tribe’s shamans use to track the passage of time, the changing of the seasons, and the movement of the stars.

There are two elk feeding on some moss about 200ft from the group.

• Regulus> Adam, you want to kill them don’t you?
• Joffrey> <dismissively> No, they’re not yours.
• <laughter>

Regulus> I’m tempted to summon Anonymoose and send him off to live with them for 24 hours.

No hostile action was taken against the elk. This was a good thing that the DM might have to explain some time in the future.

They proceeded to Calling Horns where they were fondly remembered for sorting a migrating Troll problem and given free room and board. The following day they took off along the Evermoor Way toward the High Forest.

• DM> As you approach this particular part of the Evermoor Way, several ragged looking bandits jump out, the leader of which shouts out “We’re the Dandy Highwaymen and… OH FUCK! RUUUUNNNNN!”
• <laughter>
• DM> And they head off at speed into the Evermoors.
• Regulus> They didn’t listen to what you said last time Jake!
• DM> Ok, we are about to leave the Evermoor Way and dive into the High Forest.

Although much less expansive than in ancient times, the High Forest is still vast and mysterious. Larger than most kingdoms, it encompasses mountains. The High Forest is home to treants of enormous size, stags with antlers as wide across as a wagon, brown bears bigger than large sheds, owlbears, wolves, unicorns, and many other creatures, including fiercely territorial wood elves and Uthgardt barbarians of the Tree Ghost tribe. The forest holds many hidden settlements, haunted ruins, fey crossings, and ancient magical wards.

In the outermost fringes of the forest, woodcutters ply their trade, and outlaws on the run might find refuge. But as everyone knows, those who venture too deep into the High Forest are often not seen again.

The Tree Whisperer

The DM enquired if anyone was Emerald Enclave and Abelas was the only green in the group. The DM privately messaged Abelas the following:

The forest within 50 miles of the site is seeded with awakened trees and awakened shrubs that are loyal to the enclave. These plants hide the trails that lead to Shadowtop Cathedral. If the awakened plants spot a creature openly wearing or carrying the symbol of the Emerald Enclave, the plants move aside to reveal hidden trails.

• DM> This you know, Jake. How much of it you impart is up to you.
• Mike> We have no way of knowing if what he tells us is what Gary told him!
• DM> Jake, at this point do you choose to disclose any of that to the party?
• Adam> “Here’s where the loot room is!”
• Abelas> What I actually say to the group is that this place is known to me and I can get us through with my magicks and I just walk towards the trees!

The DM calls for a marching order and the group head into the forest

• DM> Ok, Clay is staying at the inn getting drunk. Er.. which is not too different from real life!
• Regulus> Was he drinking cocktails?
• DM> Yeah, you last saw him drinking something purple with an umbrella in it. <starts laughing> Chatting up the barman… who’s a half orc… called Rupert. Ok, I’m going to stop now before I talk myself into a lot of trouble. <sigh> I’ve completely lost my train of thought now…
• Regulus> Abelas and I are in the front then Joffrey in the middle…
• Joffrey> And the two long rangers at the back.
• <The DM considered a comment about how you can’t pluralise the Lone Ranger but figured most of the audience were too young to get the reference <sigh>>
• DM> As you enter the forest the trees on the outskirts are relatively sparse but it doesn’t take long before it becomes much more dense and soon you are faced with a seemingly impenetrable wall of trees and undergrowth, but as Abelas approaches they seem to just move out of the way…
• Abelas> I’m waving my arms and muttering gibberish!
• Regulus> <flatly> Can I have an arcana check on that?
• Abelas> Oh fuck!
  DM> Ok, Abelas appears to be making the trees move out of the way… er… um…
• Abelas> Sorry Gary!
• DM> No, no, it’s fine, I’ll tell you what we are going to do… Abelas, make a deception check with advantage.
• Abelas> Oh no…
• Celdar> It’s Charisma, you’re fucked!
• DM> The reason you have advantage is because something is clearly happening….
• <Jake rolls a 2, laughter abounds>
• Abelas> I call fucking bullshit! Come and look at this fucking roll! Look at this shit! That is a 17! I call fucking bullshit!
• DM> You have another go…
• Regulus> It’s advantage. Rollaone, rollaone, rollaone!

Regulus makes his arcana check and is somewhat confused; he detects no actual magic emanating from the wizard but clearly there is an effect of magic happening as the trees and bushes move out of the way.

• Abelas> It’s ok, I wouldn’t expect half-casters to be able to work it out.
• <gasps>
• Joffrey> Can I see what’s going on with the nature side of things Gary? See what’s going on with these trees?
• DM> Absolutely.
• <Joffrey rolls a 17>
• DM> A lot of the trees appear to be ‘awakened’ trees and ‘awakened’ shrubs.

Woodland Walk

They spend the rest of the day moving through the High Forest with the tress moving out of the way to form a straight road for them. As daylight starts to fail they make camp in a small clearing.

• DM> Despite the reputation of the High Forest you feel at peace. Do you wish to maintain watches overnight?
• Regulus> I’ll just sit in the middle and spin around.
• Joffrey> Abelas, what do you think?
• Abelas> We’re safe here.
• Joffrey> I’m watching!
• <laughter>
• Regulus> I can’t sleep so I’m just basically…
• Joffrey> Are you like R2D2 watching over Padme?
• DM> <sigh>
• Regulus> Yes!
• Abelas> His head is just spinning!
• Regulus> I’ve tinkered a chair that spins and I sit on it just slowly rotating.

Kraj also chooses to take a watch and as he is waking Joffrey to take over, a unicorn trots out of the forest under the full moon. It pauses for a moment on the trail and then saunters off back into the forest.

The following day they arrived at Shadowtop Cathedral

A closely packed stand of towering shadowtop trees lies in the High Forest. The dark canopies of the trees form a high roof that permits only hints of sunlight to touch the ground beneath. Shadowtop Cathedral is an important meeting place for the Emerald Enclave.

• DM> Gimme a sec, there’s a lot of information here that you don’t need to know, or wouldn’t know. I’d have done this earlier but Kraj turned up early and started whinging at me…
• Kraj> <sigh>
• Jake> And also, we weren’t supposed to come here.
• DM> Indeed. If you hadn’t had someone from the Emerald Enclave with you, you would have had to search for trails with disadvantage and frankly, given the way you lot roll dice, we might have been stuck here for the next three sessions.

The DM, knowing his players would have completely forgotten why they came here in the first place, undertook to remind them:

Liffrelas, the treant who aided them in the fight at Goldenfields, suggested they track down a druid named Aerglas who fought a lot of giants in his adventuring days. Aerglas left Goldenfields 30 years before on a pilgrimage to Shadowtop Cathedral. Lifferlas suggests they travel to Shadowtop and speak to a treant that lives there called Turlang as Turlang might know where Aerglas is as he is a friend of the druid.

Got that? Go to Shadowtop, find Turlang because Turlang is the one who knows the stuff, ask Turlang where Aerglas is. A plan so simple that absolutely nothing can go wrong right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Satyrical Simplicity

A very sad looking Satyr is the only occupant of Shadowtop when they arrive. He introduces himself as Greenwhistle and asks what their business is. Remember, a simple plan right? Go to Shadowtop to find Turlang and ask him where Aerglas is.

• Regulus> Jake, do you want to take this one as these are your people?
• Joffrey> Waddya mean “Your people”?!
• Abelas> <laughing> Are you sure that’s a good idea?!
• <Jake thinks about it for a few seconds>
• Abelas> No! It’s NOT a good idea! Have you seen my Charisma level?!
• Regulus> <sigh> We are Adventurers Anonymoose and we have been sent by Lifferlas to…
• Greenwhistle> Adventurers Anonymoose?! Didn’t you save Goldenfields?
• Regulus> We did! <pompously> It was a hard fought battle but we did it to save many lives! We have been sent by Lifferlas to look for the druid Aerglas.
• DM> <sigh>

“Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much pain and doubt for so simple a plan? So small a plan?”

Boromir, if he had been a DM

So we are going to digress a tad here because the DM feels it is important to do so. Don’t worry, the DM fucked up and managed to derail everything shortly after this but this is the player’s fuckup spotlight.

Within less than a minute of being reminded of the simple three-step plan, of which they had already accomplished the first step, they managed to turn this:

• Step 1: Go to Shadowtop.
• Step 2: Find Turlang.
• Step 3: Ask him where Aerglas is.

Into this:

• Step 1: Go to Shadowtop.
• Step 2: Ask ask a random stranger where where Aerglas is.
• Step 3: Don’t ask the random stranger where Turlang is.

Amazingly, Greenwhistle doesn’t know Aerglas or where he is. This is primarily because Greenwhistle is not Turlang <sigh>

• Regulus> Tell me Greenwhistle, why are you so sad?
• Greenwhistle> <mournfully> Ah well <sigh> There’s this dryad, she’s the greatest thing you’ve ever laid eyes on. I asked her if she wanted to go out but she turned me down.
• DM> There’s a small pool there and he just sits down and plays a terribly sad song on his pan pipes.
• Regulus> If I were able to leak water from my eyes I would on your behalf.

At this point the DM decides to intervene as it’s taken us an hour to get this far.

Off the Rails

• DM> You dropped the name of the druid but that’s not actually who you were supposed to find here…
• Abelas> Oh yes, the treant!
• Regulus> Oh yes and we understand that the druid Aerglas was looking for the treant Turlang.

While that’s quite an ‘interesting’ take on the information the DM has given out about this quest, the DM lets it slide for the sake of expediency (and his sanity).

• Greenwhistle> Ah yes, Turlang! He’s a bit of a grumpy git frankly, but he comes and goes and he mostly just stomps around this area scaring off people who don’t belong here. He doesn’t really like people who aren’t trees or druids.
• Regulus> Is he related to a wizard in Waterdeep by any chance?
• Greenwhistle> Chazlauth?
• <laughter>
• Regulus> Yes that’s the one, totally not a dragon.
• Greenwhistle> Hmm, while Chazlauth is very difficult to deal with, he is very good at transmutation magic. Turlang should be along any time now.
• Regulus> Ah, good. <uncertainly> Well luckily we do have a druid who he may get along with…
• <Some laughter as Joffrey’s previous negotiations were remembered>
• Joffrey> I can turn into unicorns!
• Regulus> <shitting all over that particular parade> No you can’t, they are celestials.
• Greenwhistle> Erm… ok then.. good for you!..?
• Regulus> Thank you for your help Greenwhistle, is there anything we can do to assist you?

And now we get to the point where the DM trying to be funny with a throwaway line led to a derailment of fairly epic proportions <sigh>. Although I’m still mainly blaming Mike.

• Greenwhistle> Ah… not really…
• Regulus> I could give you advice on matters of the heart but I don’t really have one. If there’s anything we can help you with in regards to your love problems then please, our wizard here knows many things and may be able to assist you.
• Greenwhistle> Do you know anything about drugs?
• Joffrey> Yes actually, I have a herbalism kit, I’m proficient in that shit. What do you want to make?
• Regulus> I’ve got medicine…
• Greenwhistle> Anything that will send her to sleep?
• <silence>
• Regulus> I’m sorry what?
• <shocked laughter>
• Regulus> I see, well… let’s talk about say, I want a cup of tea and I was going to give you one but you didn’t want one but I forced you to drink one… that’s not consent.
• Joffrey> Gary, as a druid and being proficient in herbalism, do I know how to make roofies?
• DM> Not exactly…
• Abelas> Oh for fuck sake!
• Regulus> <shocked> Why do you want her to go to sleep?
• Greenwhistle> I don’t understand what you are talking about…
• Regulus> What’s the plan with sending her to sleep? What are you hoping to achieve?
• Greenwhistle> <offended> It’s none of your business is it?! You offered to help!
• DM> He goes back to playing a very sad song on his pan pipes, it’s even sadder now than it was before.
• Regulus> Is it a little bit rapey as well?
• Joffrey> Is it penetrating your ear drums?

The DM mentioned the sad song from the wedding singer but none of the heathens he plays with got the reference so here it is in all its glory:

1m40s of when Adam Sandler was still funny. Although, after this session, the DM kind of empathises with the chorus at 1:14 <sigh>

Regulus> So I’m going to send you to sleep and then abuse your unconscious body! I think we’ll skip this side quest, maybe bypass the rapey sidequest and just go and find the big giant treant.

Just to be absolutely clear, there was never, and never will be, a ‘rapey sidequest’ in any game I run. It was a stupid throwaway line but now we’re in it. In it deep <sigh>.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “You’re on your own with this one Buttercup, I aint getting anywhere near that mess.”

I would also point out that all the rapey connotations came from the players. Greenwhistle simply asked for the drug. Maybe she had insomnia? Ever think about that, you filth-minded sickos?!

Waiting Game

They decide to wait for Turlang to arrive. As it’s mid-morning the DM asks them if there’s anything they want to do while they wait. Mike decided that ‘letting it rest’ was not on the agenda <sigh>

• Regulus> Can I try and introduce the concept of consent to Greenwhistle?
• <laughter>
• DM> <sigh> Yes, I suppose. You spend the afternoon…
• Regulus> Saying “You see, if she’s unconscious, she can’t say ‘yes”
• DM> <starting to lose it> Bear with me… I need to look something up.
• Abelas> I love that this sidequest was given to <Mike> it entertains me.

It isn’t a fucking sidequest!

• DM> As the day goes on the rest of you see Regulus patiently explaining his position to Greenwhistle who just doesn’t seem to be getting it. Could you roll a persuasion check for me please?
• Regulus> Ok, I’m going to use Flash of Genius as well… that’s fifteen?
• DM> He listens to you for several hours but he is clearly not getting the concept. You explain it again and again, the good and the bad and the morality of drugging people against their will and that is is not right and not fair.
• Greenwhistle> You do understand that this is a dryad? You know how they do things, don’t you?
• Regulus> Yes, my dear friend Greenwhistle, but two wrongs don’t make a right! Be the bigger… bigger…. Satyr?
• Abelas> How do dryads do things? I feel like we should know!

Dryad – Neutral

Dryads act as guardians of their woodland demesnes. Shy and reclusive, they watch interlopers from the trees. A dryad struck by the beauty of a stranger might investigate more closely, perhaps even try to lure the individual away to be charmed.

Monster Manual

• Regulus> yes! So you understand now about consent? I can leave here happy if you just say you’re not going to…
• Greenwhistle> If I just say yes, will you go away and leave me alone?
• Regulus> <dubiously> If I believe you.
• <laughter>
• Regulus> Do I believe him?
• DM> No idea, we’re about to find out…

The DM rolls a 17 and add +6 for the Dryads acting ability. Regulus needs a 19 or a 20. He rolls a 19. Regulus, who by now wants out of this conversation almost as much as the DM never wanted to get into it, sighs deeply and heads back into the fray.

Greenwhistle pretends to fall asleep and ignores Regulus.

Abelas> <laughing> How much time? How much time have we spent…?

About 15 minutes.

It seemed longer. Much, much longer.

The DM decided to read out the monster Manual description of the Satyr’s lifestyle choices. This decision was made without actually having read through it before. Consequently, as he’s reading this, the DM starts out quite calm but slowly descends into hysterical laughter, joined by the players by the end of it. “I was making most of this shit up on the fly and it’s perfectly in character!”:

Satyr – Chaotic Neutral

Satyrs are raucous fey that resemble stout male humans with the furry lower bodies and cloven hooves of goats. They frolic in wild forests, driven by curiosity and hedonism in equal measure.

Hedonistic Revellers. Satyrs crave the strongest drink, the most fragrant spices, and the most dizzying dances. A satyr feels starved when it can’t indulge itself, and it goes to great lengths to sate its desires. It might kidnap a fine minstrel to hear lovely songs, sneak through a well-defended garden to gaze upon a beautiful lad or lass, or infiltrate a palace to taste the finest food in the land. Satyrs allow no festivity to pass them by. They partake in any holiday they’ve heard of. Civilizations of the world have enough festivals and holy days among them to justify non-stop celebration.

Inebriated on drink and pleasure, satyrs give no thought to the consequences of the hedonism they incite in others. They leave such creatures mystified at their own behaviour. Such revellers might have to scrounge for excuses to explain their disordered state to parents, employers, family, or friends.

Getting through that last paragraph was quite hard for the DM who was struggling to breathe at that point.

• Regulus> Right… <sigh> Rapey Greenwhistle, there’s nothing I can do.
• DM> <Having properly lost it> I’ll have to call him…. ‘Rape Whistle’ from now on! <becomes incoherent>

It takes a while for the DM to collect himself.

Meth Lab

Dawn breaks with still no sign of Turlang. They reluctantly decide to wait another day:

• – Regulus ascertains that the dryad’s name is Jenny.
• – Joffrey spends the day trying to make chloroform.
• – Joffrey actually manages to make a mild anaesthetic, he thinks.

• DM> Greenwhistle comes over to you and says “Whatcha doin’?”
• Joffrey> Does this smell like chloroform to you?
• DM> He takes a massive sniff and goes out like a light.
• <laughter>
• Regulus> We could tie him up.
• Joffrey> I’ll look after him.
• DM> <meaningfully> So you’re tying him up?
• Regulus> No… <starts laughing> because if we tie him up, Christina will shoot him!
• Elvira> Yeah, do it!
• <laughter>
• DM> I need to be absolutely clear on this, have you tied him up?
• Regulus and Abelas and Joffrey> No.
• DM> Pussies. I couldn’t wait for the grumpy xenophobic treant to get back and find you’ve tied up his mate. I’d need to make a map for that one and this session is already so fucking far off track….

They decide to camp for another night.

• DM> Joffrey, the next morning Greenwhistle kind of sidles up to you and says “<sniff> got any more that mate? <sniff>”
• Joffrey> Yeah, if you can provide the parts necessary and er, you know, a little bit of gold to make it worth my while.
• Greenwhistle> Yeah, yeah, cool, five gold do?
• Joffrey> Make it ten.
• Greenwhistle> Will seven and a half do?
• Regulus> Oh for fuck sake…
• <Joffrey tells Greenwhistle which herbs he needs>
• Greenwhistle> Oh, they grow near where Jenny lives!
• DM> And he scampers of into the forest.
• Regulus> I feel like I should track him…
• Joffrey> We should follow him to help!
• <Shocked laughter>
• DM> <sigh> We are NOT doing a gang rape…
• Joffrey> WOT?!
• Regulus> What?!
• Abelas> <cracking up> I think he meant.. I think… as much as… I don’t think…
• Joffrey> No! I meant follow him and tell him we’re helping him!
• Regulus> Not holding her down!
• DM> Right, enough, this is far enough off track as it is.
• <laughter and agreement>

Another day passes and once again they camp overnight.

Who Are You With Again?

• DM> The following morning Turlang arrives and he is very grumpy. This is an enormous treant, He’s about three times the size of Lifferlas. He is also in the company of a female half-elf druid.
• Turlang> <in a very deep, loud voice> Why are all these outsiders in my cathedral?!
• Regulus> Does the druid or the Emerald Enclave want to take the lead on this one? <sigh> I don’t believe I’ve just suggested Adam take the lead… we’re fucked aren’t we?
• Joffrey> I think the wizard should take the lead on this one!
• Abelas> Oh for fuck sake.. I just tell him…
• Turlang> Are you a druid?
• Abelas> I mention…
• Turlang> Are you a druid?
• Ableas> I say to him…
• Turlang> ARE YOU A DRUID?!
• Abelas> <sigh> No, I’m in the Emer…
• Turlang> Go away.
• Abelas> I’m a member of the Emerald…
• Turlang> Go away.
• Abelas> I’MAMEMBEROFTHEEMERALDENCLAVE!
• Turlang> Go away!
• Joffrey> I’m a druid!
• Abelas> Yes! He’s a druid!
• DM> Turlang looks Joffrey up and down in his pristine white robes…
• Turlang> <snootily> I don’t think so.
• Joffrey> <sigh>
• <laughter>
• DM> Turlang turns to his half-elf companion who is wearing green and brown leather with some fur trim and a green cloak. One branch sweeps down and wafts head to toe.
• Turlang> This is what a druid looks like. You are not what a druid looks like.
• <Joffrey turns into Panic Snake and back again>
• DM> The rest of you have never seen a treant yawn before. The half-elf gives him a wallop with her staff and says “Be civil!”
• Turlang> <sigh> Do I have to? Well then, who are you and what do you want?
• DM> I’m not going to be able to do that voice when I get over Covid am I?
• Joffrey> Doh! I could have spoken in druidic. I’m such an idiot!
• <Yes, AND you can speak giant>
• Regulus> Can we offer to swap druids?
• <laughter>
• Abelas> Ours is faulty!
• Regulus> Yes, ours is broken.
• DM> Turlang leans down to the half-elf and says “Says it’s a druid, talks like a druid, smells like a druid… doesn’t look like a druid!”
• Regulus> Adam, if you need the names, Lifferlas sent us to look for Aeglas.
• Joffrey> Yes, right, we are looking for Hourgalss!
• DM> <sigh>
• Regulus> And the giants!
• DM> <laughing> So Regulus is stood behind Joffrey just prodding him and saying stuff; “<poke!> Giants!” and Joffrey is like “Oh yeah, the giants!”. Turlang audibly sighs… there’s a lot of that going on tonight…
• <laughter>

The half-elf druid introduces herself as Tharra, Turlang’s companion. Tharra tells Turlang not to lose his temper and to cooperate. Turlang sighs again and says that while he doesn’t know Lifferlas, he does fondly remember Aerglas but hasn’t seen him in many years and doesn’t know where he is.

However, as the players are in opposition to the giants, Turlang gifts Joffrey control over two awakened trees and an awakened shrub.

Now the problem is that these plants have a movement speed of 20ft. How the fuck these were supposed to be useful, I don’t know but the only solution I could find about it online said “Let your players come up with ways to utilize these unusual allies”. Sounds like a plan to me!

Joffrey immediately names them Woody, Tree-Diddy and Elvis Parsley <sigh> and insists they come with the group instead of leaving them here to guard Shadowtop as suggested by several other members of the party.

• Regulus> I think in that case, we need to build this armoured wagon next.
• DM> I can just see you lot driving this fucking wagon around with two trees and a bloody bush sticking out of it.
• Joffrey> My cat’s got something to sit in now and get stuck!
• DM> <deep sigh>
• Abelas> Do you ever regret doing this Gary?
• DM> Very much so…
• Joffrey> Look, when Woody lays his life on the line for us…
• Abelas> He’ll know he had a friend in us!
• <groans>

Let’s Get The Flock Out Of Here

Regulus dobs in Greenwhistle to Tharra. Snitches get stitches dude! However, this did get Mike to finally drop it so we could all move on.

Goodbye Shadowtop, it was an experience.

Tharra decides to accompany the adventurers (and Jake) back to the Evermoor Way. A couple of days of unmolested travel later they arrive at the road having not been dicks to Tharra. As they had been friendly, she gives Kraj a pouch of 6 magical silver berries that act as Potions of Invisibility.

Tharra then asks them to accompany her to see an old ranger friend Quinn who lives in Jalanthar. The adventurers (and Jake) agree and they make a pleasant trip through the Great Forest in summertime, only interrupted by a passing visit to Stone Stand, the burial shrine for the Blue Bear Uthgardt barbarians (thought to be extinct). After several days they reach Jalanthar.

The village of Jalanthar is a riverbank waystop for barges travelling up and down the Rauvin River. The hardy residents, who call themselves Jalantharren, live in stone cottages with mud-sealed timber roofs that are covered with turf to resist burning. The homes are half-buried in the ground and from a distance can be easily mistaken for small grassy knolls. The hills north of Jalanthar are riddled with caves, wherein the natives take refuge should the village come under attack. The caves are furnished and well-stocked with preserves.

Jalanthar boasts just one amenity for travellers. The Crowing Cockatrice inn is a low-walled, poorly built oval stone keep in the heart of the village. It features a central yard covered by a rickety roof made of old shields and bits of rusted armour, pounded flat and held up with a profusion of props and cross-braced poles to form a stable. The innkeeper, Myles Heldruin (male human), is a friendly, talkative young man eager to please those with coin to spend.

Village law is whatever the local Council of Elders says it is. The current head of the council is a retired ranger and active member of the Emerald Enclave named Quinn Nardrosz (male human). Many years ago, an Uthgardt barbarian of the Red Tiger tribe bit off Quinn’s left ear, but Quinn prefers to talk about the part of the story where he cracked open the barbarian’s skull with a rock.

Quinn greets them warmly and, in thanks for escorting Tharra, he rewards them with three magic items he collected on his travels. One of these is off a good magic table and the other two are off a ‘meh’ magic table. The DM noted down the good roll but can’t find where he wrote down the ‘meh’ rolls so decided to get the players to do it.

The good item was:

Bracers of Archery

Wondrous Item, uncommon (requires attunement)

While wearing these bracers, you have proficiency with the longbow and shortbow, and you gain a +2 bonus to damage rolls on ranged attacks made with such weapons.

Elvira got those as she hits so often. The DM would have thought that Joffrey might have found a use for them as Elvira hits pretty hard anyway and Joffrey is a bit shit when he’s concentrating and can only otherwise use a sling.

Regulus revealed that while he could make a pair for Celdar, he wouldn’t make a pair for Celdar.

While the DM was faffing about trying to find the right magic tables, Mike looked at the map, engaged Skyrim mode and spontaneously decided that they needed to go to Citadel Felbarr no no good reason whatsoever <sigh>

The DM ignored him and hoped he would forget about it.

With the magic tables, the further down the alphabet you get, the better the items but there’s a lot of overlap. Table B still has some nice stuff on it so no pressure on Kraj and Mike who get to make the rolls.

Once again, not helped by Mike and his heretical d100 dice rolling methodology, rolling two d10’s for a percentage score proved to be far, far harder than it needed to be for a bunch of otherwise pretty smart people.

Mike rolled a Potion of Fire Breath and Kraj rolled a spell scroll of Stinking Cloud (eventually).

Quite remarkably, they only spent about five seconds deciding on where they were going next; Nestlé.

They then spent twenty minutes deciding how they were going to get there. The DM thought the short route up to Rivermoot/Mithral Hall and then down river to Nestlé was the obvious choice. For some fucking unknown reason they decided that if there isn’t a road there they can’t go that way. That’s going to make the back half of this campaign rather interesting.

Instead, they elected to teleport to Yartar and walk the long way around through places they had already been. The benefit of this was that Joffrey got to collect the cat armour he ordered for Solo… or at least he did once the DM reminded him about it.

So, do you remember that thing I wanted you to remember at the start?

And so, as with the great cycle of life where you both start and end it crying your eyes out and incontinent, they return to Mornbryn’s Shield where we started this fiasco session oh so very long ago. Well done everyone, well done.

And thus the mighty heroes did depart for Nestlé!

Which is obviously something they could have done right at the start… but didn’t <sigh>.

On the way they are stopped by some familiar figures guarding the road; The Seven Snakes from Nightstone.

Nearby, nailed to a tree is the corpse of a bandit and a warning note is hung around his neck that implies this is what happenes if you send a courier off to town to the Burger Meister for a meal without asking your companions if they want anything.

Jake knows. Oh yes he does.

Kraj couldn’t see half the objects on the map. Again. <sigh>

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will they ever find out what happened with Jenny and Rape Whistle Greenwhistle?
• – Will The Seven Snakes exact their revenge for the Nightstone denial?
• – What will become of the trees they sent the direct route to Nestlé?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Army of the Dead was discussed and Jake and the DM properly spoiled the ‘zombie shark in the elevator’ scene for Mike.

The ‘pluralising the lone rangers’ thing is from the film Airheads and is at the back end of this trailer, also from back when Adam Sandler was funny. If you haven’t seen it, find it. You won’t be disappointed:

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Karl/Kraj (who broke it) as Celdar the Fucky Lucker – So what you’re saying is you broke it originally?
• Jake as Abelas the Saviour of Celdar – I hate you so much.
• Matt as Clay the Demolitionist – I’m practically on dial-up and even I can see the gallows!
• Adam as Joffrey the Troll-Meister – It’s not me, it’s Elvira!
• Adam also as Elvira the Erratic Archer – Nah, fuck it! I’ll shoot this Thug over here!
• Mike as Regulapelas the Crit-Magnet – Abelas may be more useful to us…

• With:
• Gary as the DM – Erm no… yes… no… kind of… no, we’re all right dammit!

• Also With:
• Gravity as Herself
• Oboth as ‘Bert’
• Nigella as ‘Nerris’
• And Ertha Bentwhistle

Author’s Note: This session was something of a technical disaster all round but aside from that it turned out to be quite an interesting one to run as DM. I had planned what I hoped would be a fun counter to the Giant Ape but there wasn’t much other planning beyond ‘put the pieces in place and see what happens’.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t.

Pre-session Guff

The DM spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get a Thug sniper into the bell tower of the church because you simply can’t have a proper high-noon showdown without a sniper in the bell tower.

Mass Effect Legendary was discussed along with the fact that Adam hates it, obviously.

Speaking of Adam:

• Kraj> Well Karma is a bitch and Adam is paying the price.
• DM> Whurt?
• Kraj> It looks like his Windows is fucked…
• Jake> Yeah, he’s not having fun. He’s getting a BIOS CPU overheat error and now his Windows is updating.

Jake now explains how he turned off the lights and alarmed the office when he left and only when he got home did he realise that Adam may have still been in the office when he did that. The situation has not been helped by Adam only replying to Jake’s enquiries with extreme sarcasm.

To be fair, extreme sarcasm is pretty much the default mode of communication for most of us anyway.

Christina couldn’t make it because apparently her holiday was more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Mike talked about his home-working/home-not-working set up and the DM lamented that normally he would make disparaging comments about Mike’s single, large, hi-res screen but only to rub it in that Adam only has a single, not very large, not very hi-res screen, but as Adam wasn’t there it would have been a waste of effort. The others still appreciated the thoughtfulness of the intended Adam wind up though, which was nice.

Adam joins Discord but we can’t hear him:

• Jake> He’s struggling with muting and deafening at the moment. It’s ok though, it’s not like he works with computers or anything.
• Kraj> He’ll probably start coming through his web cam again soon.
• Jake> <laughing> Hang on! We’ve got pictures!

Adam posts a picture of his Discord; it says that the Discord installation is corrupt.

• Jake> This is what happens when you only have one monitor Adam.
• Mike> No, this is what happens as soon as you have children and can’t afford to replace stuff.
• Jake> <the clearly childless> What I fundamentally don’t understand is how he can’t afford to replace a monitor. Like, come on! A child does not mean that you have lost all your money all at once for all of your life!

In the early 80’s while at school, the DM learned what the costs of a child from birth to 18 were estimated to be and consequently is also childless. The 2019 costs are £151,000. However, as this is a purely optional expense, no sympathy is given.

• Jake> I’m quite enjoying watching Adam struggle with technology.
• Adam> <sounding weary> It’s alright, I’m here now.
• DM> ADAM!
• Adam> I’m not struggling with technology, technology just seems to be breaking every time I touch it!

Planning <sigh>

DM> Is there anything any of you would like to do before we head into Mornbryn’s Shield at high noon?

Planning and messaging took place involving:

• – Plans for scouting the inn (discarded).
• – Talking to someone Mike made up called Ertha Bentwhistle.
• – Clay wanting to kill ‘Nerris’ (Nerris? Nerris? Who the fuck is Nerris?)
• – Which exact 25 words to send to ‘Nerris’ (AKA Nigella)
• – Telling ‘Nerris’ that they were coming to face ‘Bert’ at noon.
• – Whether to sign it off ‘Love Regulus’ or not.
• – Jake pointing out that the message constraint was a limit and not a target.
• – Bladesinger AC, whether they should use Mage Armour or not, the DM’s anti-cheese methods and the potential rebalancing of those anti-cheese methods going forwards.
• – Who was going to play Elvira (Adam)
• – Whether or not they even needed Elvira (they did)

Three. Hours. Later.

The reply from ‘Nerris’ was somewhat more succinct:

“Oboth has called in reinforcements. They are pussies. We’ll take care of the hostages. Be on time. Watch out for dodgy geezer”

That’s 22 words because I know you pedantic arseholes would count them. I know this because if it were the other way around, I’d damn well count them.

After giving Adam a fairly severe amount of grief over his technical issues for the last 20 minutes, Jake suddenly disconnected. There was much unsympathetic hilarity and several mentions of Karma being a bitch. Adam didn’t actually say anything but you could feel the smugness over Discord.

Maintaining the theme of technical calamity, it became apparent that Kraj had broken everything and could not see half of the buildings on the map including the nearby church and the gallows.

• Matt> I’m practically on dial-up and even I can see the gallows!
• Mike> Adam’s only got one monitor and even he can see it!
• DM> <having replaced the gallows> Ok, now can you see the gallows Kraj?
• Kraj> I can’t see anything, I just quit the game and am relaunching it.
• DM> <with mock indignation> FFS I just fixed it for you!
• Kraj> So what you’re saying is you broke it originally?
• Mike> Wow…
• Jake> That is incredibly ballsy doing it at the beginning of the boss fight!
• Mike> To be fair, if I had those rolls I’d be looking to get myself killed as fast as possible.

While Mike tried to rather condescendingly ascertain if Kraj actually knew what gallows were (the DM heartily approved of this tone), the DM kicked off the music for the night and once again, dulcet tones wafted from Discord:

Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!

Give Sick

We then had an extended period where the DM did simultaneous battle against both RythmBot and Kraj’s computer. The first was soundly defeated and wah-wah was put on loop. Sadly nothing could defeat Kraj’s shit PC, not even the last act of DM desperation:

• DM> I’m about to try out the ‘Give Host’ command…
• Adam> Oooh…
• DM> … and I’m not at all sure what it’s going to do but I’d appreciate it if you gave it ten to twenty seconds and then right click me and give it back again.
• <chuckles>
• DM> I would like to point out that just above ‘Give Host’ is the word ‘Ban’ Now, that might seem quite amusing at first….
• <laughter>
• Mike> It is going to shorten our game somewhat!
• DM> … but it might have quite serious consequences!

The DM clicked ‘Give Host’ and it booted EVRYONE. When we then all re-joined the Kraj-hosted map, things were not improved. Not improved at all <sigh>

• Mike> Ah, right, now some of the buildings have disappeared for me!
  DM> <heavy sigh>
• Matt> I’ve got a message saying the shader didn’t load correctly.
• DM> Yeah, I can’t see.. <starts laughing> I can’t see the gallows!

Everyone quit TTS completely and we went back to the DM hosting but sadly Kraj still couldn’t see half the map and so we had to start like that.

• Adam> Do you want me to stream my screen for you?
• Mike> It’s the only way you’ll get two screens isn’t it?
• Adam> <sigh>
• DM> How far forwards would you like to advance before engaging in conversation with Oboth?
• <silence>
• Regulus> I like the way you assume we were going to engage in conversation!
• DM> Well, you could just kick it off! <laughing> By all means just drop a Fireball in there!

After some discussion, Clay decides to slowly walk forward and everyone more or less agreed to go with him.

The noon sun beats down on six hardy, stern-faced heroes as they slowly advance up the dusty street intending to bring justice to the low down lawless varmints running this town!

Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!

• Adam> I have to go for a sec, carry on without me.
• DM> <sigh>
• Jake> This isn’t the time! THIS ISN’T THE TIME!

Sometime later…

• DM> As you approach Oboth he calls out “I warned you pilgrims what would happen if you didn’t leave town and now we are going to put you in your graves!” and he snaps his fingers and a proper dodgy geezer pops out from behind the corner of the inn. He levels a wand at Oboth who turns into… a white dragon!
• Abelas> Oh my god are we going Godzilla vs King Kong?! Turn me into a giant ape!
• DM> Proper dodgy geezer runs back behind the inn and takes the hide action. Roll initiative!

Line Out

The DM helpfully drew lines around the buildings so Kraj (who broke it) could see where they were supposed to be. This simple act also ended in disaster when the lines went all bent and 3D and attached themselves to the building models instead of the base of the map <sigh>

So what was actually going on with the wand and the dragon? It was a wand of True Polymorph with one charge left. The DM felt an Adult White Dragon might be a bit much but had a contingency plan in place in case the dragon needed to go away in a hurry. Turns out the DM should have used an Ancient dragon instead.

• DM> Initiative please, Abelas?
• Abelas> <sigh> Five
• DM> Sorry, I couldn’t hear that. Could you say it again please, louder so everyone can hear?
• Abelas> <sigh> FIVE!

Yes, it is cruel but it is also funny so that makes it ok!

Adam once again starts sounding like he has his head in a bucket:

• Joffrey (in a bucket)> Should I just go ahead and turn Jake into Deadalas?
• Abelas> You don’t actually have to….
• Regulus> Hang on, hang on, AoE could be quite useful. Could you turn Kraj into it on the basis that, and I don’t mean this in a personal way, but Kraj is a bit shit?
• <Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!>
• Celdar> <laughing> Shots fired!
• Joffrey (in a bucket)> <dubiously> I can do…
• Regulus> I just think that… Abelas may be more useful to us for AoE…
• DM> You know Kraj can hit for like five times what you can?
• Clay> Words I never thought I’d hear Mike say “Abelas may be more useful to us”
• <laughter>
• Regulus> I know he can hit for more, he just doesn’t!
• <shocked laughter>

Readers should note that in Table Top Simulator, Jake has some kind of attention disorder where he simply can’t have his pointer be still on the map for even a picosecond. At this point he was spazzing it about even more than normal for no particular reason and managed to accidentally pick up the white dragon and throw it over the party. It landed just behind them.

Luckily for him the DM was busy looking at something else or they’d have started combat like that.

The planning on what to do and who to do polymorph to went on for a while. It was eventually decided to turn Regulus into the Giant Ape while Celdar was going to Dimension Door behind the inn and try and take out the Proper Dodgy Geezer.

Dimension Door is quite a powerful effect to put on an item but the DM is relatively sure that Kraj will continue to use it to get into trouble far more often that he uses it to get out of it.

King Ding Dong

Joffrey (in a bucket) turns Regulus into Regulapelas and then runs and hides behind a nearby barn. Regulapelas rips a chunk out of the nearby church causing the bell to start ringing under the high noon sun.

• DM> Erm… tell you what, why don’t we have an Acrobatics check for the Thug in the bell tower?
• <The DM rolls a 7>
• DM> <laughing> Well that wasn’t good was it? The Thug falls… oh crap, now I need to unlock the Thug without wrecking half the map.
• <The Thug stays firmly in place while the Church goes flying>
• Mike> Nailed it!
• <loud laughter>
• DM> <laughing> Can I just point out that it isn’t just Adam, this is turning into a disaster of a session so far!

Regulapelas lobs his chunk of church at Oboth/Bert/the dragon for a rather impressive 37 damage.

• DM> Brace yourselves everybody because it is Elvira’s turn and I suspect there’s going to be an Action Surge plus two magic arrows coming up.
• Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Do you want me to target big boy?

This was the start of Adam/Elvira’s targeting inconsistencies which would result in a masterful wind up of his fellow players over the next two hours.

A further discussion took place on what they were trying to achieve and the best way to do it. The DM pointed out that the wand caster still requires concentration. He also called for perception checks and Celdar saw that when the Proper Dodgy Geezer used the wand it crumbled in his hand. So twatting the caster might drop the spell and he probably can’t cast it again.

Celdar rolled highest on the perception check with an 18:

• DM> What’s that total Kraj?
• Kraj> I’m just trying to fucking find it…
• Mike> If you need a hand with the math, Jake’s free!
• Jake> <sigh>
• Adam> So you can’t perceive your perception stat?

Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira shoots the dragon for 13 damage which Adam put as “eight plus nine plus three is 13”. The total was right but the rather dodgy methodology drew a few questions.

The dragon failed the Shadow Arrow roll and the DM engaged smug mode and used a legendary resistance to avoid being blinded. Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira attacks again and uses a second Shadow Arrow. At this point the DM started swearing as he properly read his stat block and realised that dragons have blind sight to 60ft and didn’t need to waste a legendary resistance to make the save <sigh>

Action Surge!

Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira used their next attack to target a Thug perched on top of the gallows.

• Regulus> Wait, you just attacked a THUG rather than…
• Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Yeah but that thing is going to do one bout of big damage but these things are going to do lots of tiny damage that is going to hurt a lot!

The Thug is struck for 10 damage:

• DM> It’s a reasonable hit but the Thug is not overly bothered by it.
• Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Ah, well fuck. I’ll shoot him again! Or do I not? Should I shoot something else?
• Regulus> Well it’s up to you honestly… do what you want.
• Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> What would Elvira do?
• Everyone> Shoot the prisoner!
• Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Fuck it, I’ll shoot the Thug again to make sure he knows I’m here.
• DM> Ok, now he’s looking very fucked.

The wah-wah is getting a bit old now so the DM spends a minute changing it to the full western playlist.

• Mike> Have anyone seen the Nevers?
• <silence>
• Mike> The new Joss Whedon show?
• <silence>
• Jake> No.
• <silence>
• Kraj> Nope.
• <silence>
• Mike> <sigh> Cool story, thanks guys!

Speaking of Cool Stories

The veterans took up a defensive line in front of the inn. The dragon attempted to take to the air but didn’t quite make it and flapped its way over to Regulapelas.

• DM> And then it uses it’s cone of cold breath attack.
• Abelas> Well…. fuck.
• Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> <smugly> I’m so glad I moved Elvira.
• DM> Could Regulapelas, Celdar, Abelas and Clay please make a DC19 Constitution save please?
• Celdar> I’m so dead…
• Regulapelas> A CON save?! Oooh!
• Abelas> <rolls a natural 20> YES! YES I FUCKING CAN! What the shit?!
• DM> Ok, for those that failed it… Kraj
• Celdar> Yep?
• DM> That’s fifty four cold damage.
• Celdar> Oh I’m dead!
• DM> Well, you’re unconscious. For those that passed it, that’s twenty seven damage.
• Joffrey (no longer in a bucket)> It’s a bit chilly over here isn’t it?

ROGUE DOWN!

Clay remembers that due to his sword, Legana, he can cast Absorb Elements at will three times per rest. This definitely counts as a good time to use it and he halves the cold damage.

The Thug that fell out of the bell tower was also caught in the wave of cold and expired, becoming a Thugcicle.

Being The Best You You Can Be

Clay longbows the dragon and hits it:

• Clay> That is three damage!
• <a few sniggers are heard>
• Abelas> <laughing> This is not the time Matt! He just fucking one shot Celdar and he nearly killed me!
• Regulapelas> Matt, try and be the best Matt you can!

Clay longbows again and crits!

• DM> So that’s six damage then?
• Clay> I’m going to use a Pushing Attack for the extra d6 on my crit.
• Abelas> Gary, is it me or is Celdar not on the initiative board?
• Regulapelas> He’s dead.
• Joffrey> Yeah, he’s dead Jake.
• DM> <sigh>

Well… fuck. Celdar should have gone just before Oboth/Bert/the dragon so the DM gets him back on his feet, dusts him down and asks him what he wanted to do if he were to go when he should have gone. Celdar casts Dimension Door and buggers off round the back of the inn to try and hunt down the Proper Dodgy Geezer.

ROGUE UN-DOWN!

• Abelas> I apologise Gary, I realise you have just one-tapped Celdar!
• DM> It’s ok, I’ll… I’ll…
• Regulapelas> He’ll just do it again!
  DM> Yes. Celdar, you can’t see anything untoward behind the inn.
• Celdar> Ok, as a bonus action I will hide like a bitch!
• Regulapelas> So the dodgy geezer isn’t round there?
• DM> He can’t see him round there.
• Regulapelas> He’s in the well!
• DM> <sigh>
• Joffrey> Some proper Assassin’s Creed that is!
• DM> Celdar, roll for the hide attempt.
• <Celdar rolls a natural 20>
• Celdar> Twenty eight total. Couldn’t fucking roll that after being tagged by a dragon could I?!
• DM> Suffice to say you are now hidden. You are now as invisible to everyone else as the church is to you!

This was judged to be somewhat harsh but also funny.

• – Clay flatly refuses to enter melee range of the dragon and is roundly abused as he double longbows it, hitting once for not a lot.
• – The veterans again refuse to engage the players and hold their defensive line.
• – Abelas drops a Storm Sphere right behind the dragon.
• – The DM managed to produce yet more wonky 3D lines instead of straight flat ones <sigh>

Trolly Lolly

Joffrey runs 30ft out of cover and into the middle of the street:

• Joffrey> Ten… Twenty… Thirty…. This might have been a mistake!
• Abelas> What the fuck have you just done?! What the fuck is this plan?!
• Joffrey> I had a plan…
• <The DM sympathises, this kind of stuff has happened a lot to him so far this year>
• Joffrey> …but then I realised, actually it was a stupid plan….
• Regulapelas> Do. Not. Get. Hit!
• Joffrey> I’m going to go back…
• Regulapelas> <through gritted teeth> Do. Not. Get. Hit!
• Joffrey> I’m done!

I’d like everyone to reflect on just how bad a plan it must have been for even Adam to recognise it as such and call it off. Let’s have a bit of recap on all the plans that Adam didn’t think were stupid enough to call off:

• – Phandelver: The grappling hook over the wall at the castle
• – Snowflake scouting the zombie tower
• – Using the level 3 party’s only Fireball scroll on one ghoul
• – That fucking heavy crossbow he promised he wouldn’t use
• – Beaver pulling the gems out of the statue at the finale
• – The ‘full Dicaprio’ bear incident
• – Fucking Womford
• – Electric ferret
• – Pulling a Black Pudding with only five hit points left
• – Tidal Waving a fire giant with a prepped boulder attack

And that’s just off the top of my head!

Regulapelas punches the dragon in the face and then Elvira shoots a Thug. This causes a slight bit of consternation amongst the others who make a few mildly snarky comments about target selection.

• Adam/Elvira> Ok, I’ll shoot the dragon.
• <Relieved sighs>
• Joffrey> Nah, fuck it! I’ll shoot this Thug over here!
• <Abuse happens>
• <The DM silently but heartily approves of this troll>
• Abelas> <Slightly hysterically> The dragon! The dragon is clearly the threat!
• Regulapelas> Yes!
• <Off-mike the DM laughs so hard he starts having a coughing fit>
• Adam/Elvira> <casually> Yeah, but King Kong vs Godzilla!
• Abelas> Yes and King Kong is clearly losing!
• Adam/Elvira> <still casually>Is he?
• Regulapelas> Well I only hit him once this round so if you want to pick up the slack?
• Adam/Elvira> <so laid back he can barely see over his pelvis> Ok, ok… I’ll shoot this thug over here! I’ll shoot him instead.
• <Hysteria>
• Adam/Elvira> Fourteen?
• DM> <trying to get his breath back> Fourteen hits, they are only wearing leather armour.
• Adam/Elvira> <Smugness: it’s over 9000!> See? I would have missed the dragon! So I did the best thing there!

There may have been some mild disagreement from his colleagues on that one…

Critical Rolls

Celdar attempts to search for the sneaking Proper Dodgy Geezer but rolls a 1:

• Abelas> Oh no!
• DM> You feel a whisper of breath against your ear and a barely perceptible voice says… “lol”
• Abelas> This is the voice of all our hopes and dreams!
• Regulapelas> Yeah… I feel we might have backed the wrong pony here.
• DM> If it’s any consolation, I had an entire contingency plan in place here which it looks like I won’t need because this fight has not gone the way I thought it was going to. Right, Oboth is angry so he’s going to charge and clatter into Regulapelas and he launches a full-on bite attack to the neck…
• <The DM rolls a natural twenty>
• <Shocked laughter and a few oooh’s and aaah’s>
• DM> That is thirty eight piercing damage plus eighteen cold damage. He follows that up with two claw attacks…
• <Nervous laughter>
• <The DM rolls a 17 and another natural 20>
• <Hysteria>

• DM> That is another forty five damage…
• Joffrey> Everyone felt that one!
• Regulapelas> <slightly testily> I wonder if we can all focus on the dragon now?
• Joffrey> Nah, you’ve got this!
• Clay> Aaaw, I was going to go for some of the Thugs!
  Joffrey> It’s not me, it’s Elvira!
• DM> Clay?
• Clay> You know that thing I said about not getting into melee with a dragon?
• Regulapelas> I’m hoping he’ll still focus on me.
• Abelas> Yes, you’re basically a gnat!

Harsh.

Clay hammers the white dragon with Legana for the first attack but the rolls a 1 on the second.

• Clay> Oops!
• Regulapelas> <sigh> My hero…
• Abelas> I can feel a lot of panicked re-thinking going on in Gary’s head.
• DM> Erm no… yes… no… kind of… no, we’re all right dammit!

A Boy Named Sue

• DM> Celdar, you are aware of some kind of disturbance or kerfuffle going on around the back side of the inn while you are standing there perceiving your navel or your boots whatever it was…
• Kraj> Sorry mate, not sure if it’s just me but your mike is a bit shit.
• Adam> Is it your webcam?!
• DM> No it’s just fucking you!
• Matt> No, you went all Adam there.
• Mike> Did you just say he was a bit shit?!
• DM> <sigh>

Abelas casts a Lightning Bolt at the dragon. The DM places a line down that was supposed to illustrate the path of the lightning and the fact that it might terminate on the so far uninvolved veterans. However, because tonight is fail night, the line started at the feet of Abelas but then went full 3D and majestically soared off the playing surface to terminate about 40ft over the heads of the veterans <sigh>

Abelas hit for 14 damage which was a bit underwhelming.

DM> At the end of the round a crashing noise sounds above Celdar’s head and coming smashing out of the window above him, locked in a clinched fighting embrace, are Nigella and the Proper Dodgy Geezer and they land on top of Celdar knocking all three prone in amongst the shattered glass… and the mud… and the blood and the beer! As the great man once sang…. A kickin’ and a gougin’ in the blood and the mud and the beer!

Trollalol-lol

• DM> Joffrey?
• Joffrey> It’s a me! <points to a Thug on a house roof> Can I see this guy?
• DM> No, you can see these guys and these ones on the gallows.
• Joffrey> Ok, <points to a Thug on the gallows> fuck this guys in particular! I’m gonna wand him!
• Abelas> What… why?… what?!
• Regulus> Wha?.. cou… di.. wha… y… ca.. you’re not going to try and take the dragon out?!
• DM> <laughing hysterically> How the fuck am I going to put that in the write up?! “Wha… eh… why..”
• Regulus> I…. I… I… I honestly think… he’s got to be doing it deliberately now!
• Abelas> He must be doing it deliberately!
• DM> <still struggling to speak> Mike rendered utterly speechless!
• Joffrey> I don’t want to attract attention from the dragon!
• Regulus> <scathingly> You aren’t going to attract attention from the dragon are you?!

Jake and Mike were both triggered and spoke over each other to the point where I can’t actually decipher what they were both saying. Safe to say outrage was the main theme.

• DM> Your magic missiles streak out and all hit the Thug; WHOMM-WHOMM-WHOMM and they kill him.
• Joffrey> <incredibly smugly> That’s another kill for Joffrey then!
• DM> As he falls off the gallows, his head becomes entangled in the noose and he just ends up gently swinging on the end of a rope.
• Joffrey> Yes, extra points for style!
• Abelas> That’s all you’ve done! Get the attention of all the Thugs!
• Joffrey> <to Regulus> Do you want me to drop your form? Would that help you?
• Regulus> No!
• Joffrey> Well I’m sorry that all I’m doing is sitting here with my dick in my hands waiting for you lot to take your turns.
• <I’ve listened back to it, he definitely says ‘hands’ plural <sigh>>
• Abelas> I’m so glad he chose to turn you into the ape and not me. I’ve been waiting for him to fuck it up! I’m sorry Adam, I don’t mean it! But I partially do!

Regulapelas double punches the dragon for 32 damage.

• DM> Yep, it’s looking properly rough now.
• Joffrey> <offhandedly> Hmm, maybe I should have attacked it, it might have died.
• Regulus> <with utter distain> Do you think?!
• Joffrey> I can drop concentration at any time right?
• DM> Yep, at any time.
• Regulus> I didn’t mean that to come off passive-aggressive… I meant it come off as aggressive-aggressive!
• DM> “IT’S MA’AM!”. Elvira, who is quite perceptive, notices that the front of the church looks rather unstable and it could be brought down. It would take more than an arrow to do it though. If the front of the church were to collapse, that steeple is right above the dragon and the ape and likely to land on them.
• Regulus> <resignedly> Or… you could shoot the DRAGON!
• Clay> If you’re playing at Christina, she’s quite intelligent so she probably would shoot the dragon!
• DM> <laughing> Subtle as a brick in a sock!
• Joffrey> So what you’re saying is shoot the steeple?
• DM> <sigh> Just shoot the Thug, you know you’re going to.
• Joffrey> Oh yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing Gary, I’m going to shoot the Thug!
• <exasperated laughter>
• Abelas> I hate you so much.
• Joffrey> That hits for 10…
• DM> That’s half its hit points gone.
• Regulus> Oh thank goodness, I was worried about that Thug!
• Joffrey> And that’s fourteen to hit. <smugly> See, I’d have missed the dragon! That’s eight damage.
• DM> He has two hit points left.
• Regulus> <sigh> So you didn’t even kill him?

Throwin’ Down

• DM> Celdar?
• Celdar> Erm…
• Regulus> STAB HIM!
• <laughter>
• Celdar> Can I attack while prone?
• DM> Yes but at disadvantage.

The three minis of Celdar, Nigella and Proper Dodgy Geezer are lying prone by the inn. Celdar decides to stand up. The DM accidentally selects both Celdar and Nigella and has them both stand up. Now the DM has to get Nigella prone again, this is done by attempting to throw the mini against the inn so that it topples over. Yes, it’s every bit as stupidly clunky as it sounds. The DM’s attempts to pull this off (stop it Adam!) will be represented in the following by <Throw: -result->

• <Throw: Fail>
• Celdar> Don’t I have to use an action to stand up?
• <Throw: Fail>
• Abelas> No it’s half your movement.
• <Throw: Fail>
• Celdar> Would I assume Nigella is an ally?
• <Throw: Fail>
• <Giggles as the players notice what’s happening>
• DM> Well, that’s the question isn’t it?
• <Throw: Fail>
• Regulus> Well, she’s fighting the bloke who we want to kill <Throw: Fail> so lets focus on killing him <Throw: Fail> so I don’t get whacked by a dragon.
• <Throw: Fail>
• Celdar> Hell yeah!
• <More giggles as Nigella almost topples over but bounces off Celdar and returns to the upright position>
• DM> <sigh>
• <Throw: Fail>
• Regulus> Do as much damage as…
• <Throw: Success!>
• <Nigella lands perfectly prone next to Celdar>
• DM> YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!
• <laughter>
• Celdar> Eureka!
• DM> GET IN!!
• Abelas> <nearly losing it> I had a perfect view of you just throwing her against the fucking building over and over again….
• DM> <also struggling> I told you…
• Abelas> Oh, this has been the best session…
• DM> … this has been an absolute disaster <loses it> …an absolute disaster of a session!

A Shrinking Sensation

Celdar makes an attack with The Devil, with advantage, against the prone ‘dodgy geez’ as he put it.

• Celdar> Twenty four damage!
• DM> Ah, you just stabbed him straight in the heart and he just dies… <The rather tired DM struggles for inspiration to describe the scene more floridly. He fails, kind of> … He dies shitting himself on the ground.
• <shocked laughter>
• Regulus> Nice! I appreciate the extra effort there Gary.
• DM> Nigella just lays back on the ground gasping for breath and says “It took you long enough!” and Celdar, you can now see a stream of hostages being escorted safely from the inn by a pair of veterans.

As Celdar stabbed Proper Dodgy Geezer, RythmBot started playing quiet crowd applause. I don’t know why, it was just that kind of a session. I’m just going to assume at this point that Spotify has become self aware and is out to kill us all by induced insanity.

• DM> <sigh> Told you, an absolute disaster of a session. What time is it? Nearly nine o’clock! Yes, just get me to nine o’clock!
• Celdar> I’ll bonus-action hide.
• DM> As that happens, the dragon disappeared (it had 11 hit points left) and turns into a very surprised looking Oboth Thornsteel who is now…
• Celdar> Very small!
• DM> … and face to face with a giant monkey and stood underneath an imminently collapsible church spire.
• Abelas> But he is outside the Storm Sphere now so it’s not going all bad.
• DM> I’m going to go with the shock of being de-polymorphed stuns him and causes him to miss this turn. Clay, you calculate that a decently placed melee blow on the corner of the church would bring down the steeple, or you could just twat him in a more traditional manner.
• Clay> I’m going to go for the building!
• Celdar> Yeah!
• Abelas> That’s probably the best answer. Cool is always better.
• Regulus/Grinch> Yes… we’ve saved you village but we’ve wrecked your church!

No one else gave a toss about the church and they all reckoned they could blame the dragon anyway.

Bringing Down the House

• DM> Make a melee attack against the church, it’s a static target so you’ll have to go some to fuck it up…
• <Matt rolls a 1>
• <Everyone loses it>
• DM> He managed it!
• Abelas> He’s got another one! He’s got another one!
• Clay> That’s my second one in a row, I’m on a hat-trick!
• DM> Legana wedges itself in the corner of the wood and timber frame…
• Clay> I’ll use the giant slayer battleaxe instead!
• DM> Nice! Everyone sees Clay sigh heavily, reach over his back and unlimber a massive battleaxe and have another pop at the building.
• <Matt rolls a two! More laughter>
• DM> And that’s enough!

Regulapelas manages to pass a Dex save and nimbly dodges away from the collapsing church avoiding most of the damage.

The church steeple, and particularly the large heavy bell, collapse and completely obliterate Oboth trapping him under several tons of masonry and steel.

The Thugs scatter and start running towards the south end of town. The veterans stand and watch and give a few nods of approval.

End of combat.

Nigella comes over for a chat. The mercenaries were hired to guard the road to Nesme because the Zhentarim have something big happening there soon. Only Zhentarim are allowed into Nesme however. The road to Nesme is to the north of town, the Thugs fled to the south.

The Mercenary’s contract had nothing in it about fighting adventurers or taking hostages so they decided to sit this one out. They were paid in advance by Oboth so as far as they are concerned that contract is now void.

Back at the church what is left of the church, Oboth is doing a Wicked Witch of the West impression with just his feet sticking out.

• DM> <hurriedly> His boots don’t look very nice!
• Regulus> You know you had to say that because the next thing is Adam trying to steal them.
• Joffrey> Yeah, are they shiny?!

Nigella stands there admiring their handiwork but points out that, while bringing the church down was pretty impressive, Oboth was wearing some rather nice magic armour and he was carrying a few valuables so they would need to dig him out. Thankfully they have a handy giant ape nearby and the excavation was pretty quick.

Nigella says the mercenaries are going to go look for work a long way off just in case the Zhentarim are holding grudges. She thinks about it for a second and then mentions that they may just hunt down those Thugs as they head south.

Once the body is excavated they find a set of Darkscale armour that will be of benefit to the rogue for now, but not so much later in the campaign. There is also 600gp worth of gem stones and Oboth’s notebook.

Studying the book, Regulus finds no hints as to where Mornbryn’s Tomb might be located but he does find a series of diagrams which show the first stages for the construction of a revolutionary lightweight armoured wagon. There will be opportunities for this to be researched and built as the campaign progresses.

The players and the veterans cobble some cash together to donate to the townsfolk to help rebuild the church, which was nice.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will they go and find out what’s happening at Nesme?
• – Will Adam the troll-meister suffer any repercussions?
• – Will we ever progress the main storyline of this chapter?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Didn’t happen, everyone went to bed.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Karl/Kraj as Oh Celdar the Arcane Tank – You did say “Go big or go home”
• Jake as Abelapelas the Mighty Ape/Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – This plan now relies on Matt being able to roll well!
• Matt as Clay the Whiffmaster – I’m going to let Kraj down now.
• Christina as Elvira the Double Penetrator – Gary hasn’t said my name yet!
• Adam as Joffrey the Slinger – Throw your shit!
• Mike as Regulus Grinch the Artificer – You all laughed last week but it is totally the best tactic!

With:

• Gary as the DM – I will allow you to throw a giant monkey turd if you really, really want to!
• And:
• Drikk Fra-Kar as Himself – Chicks dig scars!

Author’s Note: Some tricky stuff was thrown at the players this session and they handled it rather well. Now you’ll have to excuse me, I need to go and be sick.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t.

Pre-session Guff

Discord seems to be occasionally affected by playing music through it so the DM hesitantly kicked off a westerns playlist and the dulcet tones of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly were heard:

Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!

Mike joined but was immediately having issues…

• Mike> Hello
• DM & Kraj> Hello!
• Mike> Hello?
• DM> <sigh>
• Kraj> HELLO!
• Mike> Hmm… really, really quiet
• DM> Hang on! Let me turn all my por… er… ‘data’ downloads off on the other comput.. oh.. they already were off.
• Kraj> <laughing> When you said that your voice became incredibly clearer.
• DM> Nice!
• Mike> That’s better! Nice music!
• Kraj> We’re just waiting for the podcast to start.
• DM> <sigh>

The conversation turned to Mike’s first-world problems of Discord audio levels resetting and the performance of Microsoft Windows. The C-Bomb was dropped twice in the first two minutes of the session which I think is a record.

Mike wibbled on about something called Cursed City that he thought only Jake would be nerdy enough to know about. Jake distanced himself from that particular topic with some alacrity.

Adam turned up on time!

• Jake> Holy shit! Adam isn’t late!
• Adam> <dismissively> Don’t know what you’re on about, of course I’m on time.
• DM> I know why he isn’t late. I have a ton of stuff still to do and I thought we’d be waiting two and a half hours for Adam to turn up like normal.
• Mike> Gary, am I meant to be able to hear music?
• DM> <sigh> Have you turned RythmBot down?
• Jake> You might have muted it?
• Mike> No, but I am meant to be able to hear everyone else.
• DM> Can you only hear me?!
• Mike> <deep sigh>
• DM> Everyone! Now is your chance! I’ll hear it. OBS will hear it. Mike won’t hear it!
• <Laughter but nothing is said>
• DM> Jake, REALLY?! How can you say such a thing?!
• Adam> Mike, stay silent if you are willing to be Polymorphed into any creature I choose!
• Mike> <sounding seriously depressed> Right <sigh> back in a minute.
• <Laughter at Adam’s nice try but ultimate fail>

During a discussion about the butthurt that resulted from the misuse of the work’s Teams chat (after it was used to discuss the heresy that is custard doughnuts), someone mentioned gender pronouns and the DM asked if anyone had seen the new CIA recruitment video.

An article about it was linked in Discord. Adam complained that the article did not actually contain the video in question. Jake then pointed out that A) The article clearly did contain the video and B) Adam was the one that posted it.

This led to a significant amount of abuse being heaped on Adam (the trained investigator) and that lasted until Matt turned up.

Hi Matt! Bye Matt!

Matt connected!

Matt disconnected!

Pictures of various player’s uploads and download speeds were posted in the WhatsApp channel to provide moral support to Matt in his moment of Internet failure.

Veteran 4 was given the name Nigella. Nigella was the one who surrendered and is currently being sat on by a giant badger and can’t breathe.

Elvira’s turn and the oncoming enemy patrol were just within non-disadvantage range of a longbow. Elvira rolls a natural 20 <sigh>

• Adam> DM, could you please nerf?
• Mike> Yeah!
• DM> Er… absolutely.
• <The DM starts taking the giant ape mini off the table>
• Mike> Now, now, there’s nerfs and there’s nerfs!
• Jake> <Panicking> Hey! No, no!
• DM> Joffrey, you lose concentration…

Having finished fucking with his players and reminding them to be careful what they ask the DM for, we got on with it.

Elvira rolled a crit and the DM did some dodgy adding up:

• DM> Can someone check the maths on that for me? I’m having a brain fart.
• <silence>
• Kraj> Jake?
• Jake> Fuck off!
• DM> <sigh>

Mike got sensible and we eventually came to the right answer.

Matt connected!

It was his turn but he couldn’t interact with anything, including his mini <sigh>. Everyone was highly amused by the very large number representing Matt’s ping while the DM sorted out the interaction issue.

Tempting Fate

Clay scaled the slope to the first layer but couldn’t see the oncoming enemy due to the next gradient up to the desert floor.

• DM> Abelapelas!
• Abelapelas> Whoohoo!
• DM> Unlike Clay, you can see the six bad guys who have just shot Celdar full of holes!
• Abelapelas> Are they my friends?!
• DM> Hmm, depends, is Celdar your friend?
• Abelapelas> I think so…
• DM> Really? You might want to think about that…
• Abelapelas> There’s a level of pity I feel for him as someone who has worse stats than me!
• DM> Right, so it’s the shit-stats camaraderie? Cool. You are very, very angry with them.
• Joffrey> Throw your shit!
• DM> <sigh> I will allow you to throw a giant monkey turd if you really, really want to.
• Regulus> You all laughed last week but it is totally the best tactic!

Abelapelas scales the two cliffs with ease thanks to his innate climbing speed and at the top he picks up a nearby boulder and throws it at the oncoming patrol.

He rolled a 9 and hit! But then someone worked out he was just over 50ft from his target and that meant the roll was at disadvantage. His second roll was a 4 much to everyone’s amusement.

• Abelapelas> I’ll get them next time!
• DM> Clay is looking quite smug now.
• Abelapelas> Yeah well… I can still do shit after this ape wears off!
• <Gasps>
• Abelapelas> My stuff doesn’t rely on me rolling dice!

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Somewhere, out there in the void, Karma is sat on the sofa with her feet up enjoying a biscuit and a nice cup of tea. She is also laughing her tits off while she writes that one down in her diary for later”.

• DM> Regulus?
• Regulus> Kraj, how bad are you looking?
• DM> He’s an elf rogue, he’s dressed all in black in the desert, in daytime. It’s a bit cliched but in the right light it could look kind of cool. In the wrong light it will look a bit emo and trying too hard. It’s bright daylight and so all of the faults are exposed so he’s looking a bit… goth.
• Regulus> Does he look like he’s listening to My Chemical Romance?
• DM> Oh yes.
• Celdar> <sigh>

Dakka-dakka-dakka

As flak is being fired in even higher quantities than normal tonight, and that’s quite a lot, Mike then decides to spread it around some and takes aim at Adam:

• Regulus> In that case I will move to there.. and just checking; if I cast healing at a higher level, I would heal more yeah?
• DM> Yes.
• Regulus> So as he is a colleague in our party, I should probably use the highest level spell I can to heal him?
• DM> Yes I would. Instead of throwing the lowest level spell…
• Regulus> Yes!
• Abelapelas> Yes! That would be the complete non-cunt way of going about things.
• DM> To be fair to Joffrey <the DM has to pause while he swallows the small bit of vomit that he just sicked up> there are actually two approaches to healing, I’ll get Drikk Fra-kar to explain it in the write up.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Pay attention Buttercups! There are two options for healing, the manly way and the girly way! What’s that DM? DiverseTranswhatnow? Genderfuckingnuetralwhatbolllocks?! The girls are often tougher than the boys these days?! WTF is ‘soy’?!

No choice huh? <sigh> Well… allfuckingrighty then.

Ok, there are two options for healing, the efficient, painful way and the pansy way. The pansy way involves your healers trying to out-heal your incoming damage. This keeps your face mostly intact so your mummy won’t cry too much when you get home, but it can take a lot of spell levels to keep you from bleeding out and those spells would be better spent summoning food and drinks for your victory revels! Not to mention your healers waste their turns trying to keep you looking pretty when they could be spending them doing cool lightning shit.

The manly other way involves embracing the pain and the blood and the vomit and just getting knocked the fuck out. Your healers can then use a simple low level bonus action Healing Word to get you back on your feet to deliver your entire attack chain before you are inevitably battered the fuck unconscious once more. You should try it; it’ll put hair on your chest! And scars! Chicks dig scars! Just suck it the fuck up, Princess, keep hitting things while you’re up and try and keep the whimpering to a minimum while you’re down!

Thanks Drikk you incorrigible old misogynist you!

Healing Word is quite possibly the most overpowered spell in the game but it does put the recipient in more danger if they are constantly being KO’d. Anything smart will just twat them while they are down a few times. It might be more efficient on resources but it’s riskier too.

Regulus healed Celdar for 15 hit points, which was nice.

• Regulus> And I’ll stay where I am for a minute because I don’t want to get pounded by a giant ape…
• DM> Well that image is in my brain now…

The veterans all volley fired upon Abelapelas and the DM rolled a magnificent 2, 2, 5, 6, 9 and 11. Two hits against an AC12 ape the size of a house. \golfclap DM, \golfclap.

Kong Smash!

Celdar sneaks. He then also sneaks up the cliff, sneaks off a sneak attack at a veteran and then slinkily sneaks back down the cliff again. Sneakily.

• Joffrey> I can’t really do anything…
• Abelapelas> Just concentrate really hard!
• Joffrey> I could do an absolute boss move! Yeah, I’m going to do that!
• <horrified silence as people imagine what chaos is about to be unleashed>
• Joffrey> I’m going to disadvantage-sling Veteran 7!
• <laughter>
• <Joffrey rolls a 1 and a 9, more laughter>

Joffrey hit Abelapelas but scurried behind a rock before the giant ape can turn and see who did it.

Elvira pulls the ‘one hit, one miss’ routine again. Matt pulls the ‘my lift height is fucked’ routine again. He did however, manage to hit a veteran with his longbow. He promptly rolled a 1 on the damage die for a total of 3 damage overall and there was some unseemly sniggering from the peanut gallery but he landed his second attack for a more respectable 7.

Abelapelas rampages up the cliff and does a Kong double-fist slam combo on Veteran 7 for a total of 46 damage. Veteran 7, or what was left of him, was removed from the map.

Regulus, meanwhile, decides to run up the cliff and cast Expeditious Retreat. That’s the spell most people look at in the book and swiftly move past to something a bit more spectacular.

Regulus streaks up the cliff… er.. no! Not in that way, he had clothes on! Anyway, Regulus runs up the cliff really fast and thunderfists a veteran. That veteran now has to attack Regulus or suffer disadvantage *coughcheesecough* The veteran flees and takes another thunderfist of opportunity for doing so.

• Celdar the Cheesemonkey> If you hit with an attack of opportunity, doesn’t that stop you running away?
• DM> <sigh>

At this point the DM decides to have one of the remaining 5 veterans flee and the other four try to engage the giant ape. Veteran 12 dashed towards the back edge of the map. This wasn’t really planned in advance but just seemed appropriate. It also injected a sense of urgency into the fight once the players realised what was likely to happen if any of them got away.

The DM once again rolled utterly pants on the attacks against Abelapelas but was phlegmatic about it; clearly the Dice Lords were just saving the good DM rolls for the boss fight.

It was looking like Veteran 12 was going to escape but Celdar had other ideas:

• Celdar> I am going to climb up the cliff to get within five feet of Monsieur Clay and I am going to cast… Dimension Door! Myself and Clay will appear just in front of Veteran 12.
• Abelapelas> I think you just made Matt a very happy person.
• Clay> I am grinning!
• DM> Dimension Door; you teleport yourself, range 500ft.
• Regulus> Wow!
• DM> You teleport yourself from your current location to any other spot within range. You may also bring one willing creature of your size or smaller. Matt, I will give you advantage on every roll until the end of the campaign if you are unwilling and have him die over there all by himself!
• <laughter>
• Clay> I’m afraid I’m willing!
• Abelapelas> This plan now relies on Matt being able to roll well!
• Clay> Fingers crossed!
• Celdar> Well I’m going to do fuck all because I think that was all I have.
• Adam> Back in a sec!
• DM> Joffrey?
• <laughter>
• Joffrey/Adam> <sigh> Can someone half-arsed sling for me?
• <The DM disadvantage-slings a veteran and rolled a 4 and a 6>

Q2C DP with BBC

• DM> Elvira? Which one would you like to… double penetrate?
• <sniggering occurs>
• DM> <sigh> Sorry, the words were in my brain, I tried not to say it but they had to come out.

Planning took place and it was decided to heap damage on Veteran 12 near the edge of the map while Abelapelas assured everyone he could “hold the rest of them here”. Interesting.

The final result of all this was Elvira DP’ing Veteran 12.

• DM> Clay?
• Clay> I’m going to let Kraj down now.
• DM> It’s ok, you could always Action Surge couldn’t you? Oh, wait…

Clay manoeuvres around to the rear of Veteran 12 and savagely attacks her!

Except he rolled a 2 and missed by rather a lot. This was greeted by slightly hysterical laughter as it looked like Veteran 12 was about to exit stage left. However, his second attack was a 17 and he added a trip attack but was foiled by the DM not rolling utter pants on the save for a change.

Abelapelas monkey-fists a nearby veteran for 29 and then 22 damage. Ouch.

• Mike> What’s that total Jake?
• Jake> Fuck off!

Regulus, doing his Flash impression (slightly camp, not very good superhero) dashes over to Veteran 9 and thunderfists him again, killing him. There are three veterans around the giant ape and one about to escape.

Veteran 8 triple attacks Abelapelas for quite a lot of damage but then does something unexpected:

• DM> And then Veteran 8 steps back 15 feet.
• Abelapelas> You fucking wot?
• DM> Would you, as a giant ape that has just been hit by Veteran 8, like to make an attack of opportunity?
• Abelapelas> I would like to beat the ever-loving shit out of Veteran 8!

And thus did Jake fall straight onto the DM’s trap although it could be argued that, as a giant ape, twatting the thing that just twatted you would be fairly high on its priority list.

Now that Veteran 12 was pinned down, the DM needed to get something else to run for help. Veteran 8 was so far untouched, whereas the other two veterans next to the ape were quite injured. Crucially however, they were 15ft closer to the edge of the map than 8.

Neither of the injured vets could survive the attack of opportunity so Veteran 8 taking one for the team allowed both the injured vets to simply dash away from Abelapelas as he’d just wasted used his reaction.

Veteran 8 wore 19 damage from her 58 hit point total while the two injured vets dashed away down the slopes and up the dry gully bed. They are both now 40ft from the edge of the map so will escape to the town if allowed to dash next turn.

Veteran 12 is also 40ft from the map edge but has a Clay and a Celdar to contend with:

• DM> Veteran 12 is going to double-longsword Celdar because she thinks he’s a mage…
• <shocked sounds as the DM rolls a 17 and a natural 20>
• DM> Get in!
• Abelapelas> <invokes heathen deity> Celdar is going to regret doing that!
• Celdar> You did say “Go big or go home”
• DM> So that’s 21 damage…
• Abelapelas> I think that’s go big and go home!
• Clay> On the plus side, you can’t roll another character this bad.
• DM> And she attacks a third time with her shortsword…

Sadly, the DM rolled a 2 and missed. Celdar becomes 7HP-Celdar, six more than he needs! It is however 7HP-Celdar’s turn next so he can safely disen-fucking-gage and run-the-fuck-away back towards Abelapelas. Because with only 7HP that’s the sensible thing to do right? Right.

Intimidation, that’s what you need!

• 7HP-Celdar> I will… I’m going to regret this because my strength is wank… I’m going to attempt to grapple and…
• <disbelieving laughter>
• 7HP-Celdar> …hold a knife to her throat and shout down to the guys in the gully “Stop or she dies!”
• <silence>
• <A tumble weed blows quietly through the gully>
• Regulus> Right… erm… ok…
• Abelapelas> It’s definitely an ‘interesting’ strategy.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Ballsy! Really, really fucking stupid but… definitely ballsy!”

The DM wasn’t overly bothered about having to resolve the utter mess Kraj had just created because we hadn’t done the grapple checks yet and veterans get +5 to Athletics whereas Celdar has -3 to Strength so absolutely nothing could go wrong.

It immediately went wrong, obviously <sigh>

-3 Str Celdar rolls a 19 for a total of 16 whereas the DM rolled a 4 for a total of 9. Fucking dice eh?

So now we have resolved the grapple the DM has to decide a whole bunch of stuff on the fly;

• – Is there any chance at all they will listen?
• – If so, what kind of check is called for to make them listen?
• – Should it be one check or two as he’s trying to intimidate two different enemies?
• – How hard would it be to get them to comply normally?
• – What factors will further influence the difficulty?

The DM decides that it does have some chance of succeeding, it will be one roll for both because this is an all-or-nothing situation (one getting away is just as bad as both getting away), it’s an intimidation check and it’s a middle of the road DC 12 but made with disadvantage because of a host of factors counting against Celdar; he’s nearly dead, they are nearly dead, there’s a giant fucking ape about to start chasing them etc.

Two somewhat above average rolls would do it. He can still pull it off (stop it Adam!) but he’ll have to get a tad lucky.

• DM> Make an intimidation check with disadvantage.
• Celdar> It’s ok, my Charisma is only -2
• Abelapelas> <loudly> You can do it! You can do it! <whispers> He can’t do it!
• <Kraj rolls a 9 and a 10>
• Celdar> Nope!
• DM> Nice try though. Sadly, neither of them appears to be paying any attention to you.
• <Jake disconnected from TTS>
• DM> Bye Jake!
• Jake> I may have switched over to the other screen and accidentally pressed the ‘x’ on TTS.
• Matt> That was just an excuse to mention having two screens to Adam wasn’t it?
• DM> Abelapelas enters ‘rampage’ mode…
• Jake> ONE SECOND! Gimme one second! I’m back!

Power Cut

It is Joffrey’s turn and he has moved up the side of the gulley as far as he can. He is however, rather limited on what he can do while he is maintaining concentration on Abelapelas. He is just close enough to dump a Spike Growth on the two injured vets fleeing up the gully and said spell is duly dumped.

DM> There is a bright flash over this side, it is Veteran 8’s face lighting up as the giant ape turns back into the squishy mage.

They spent rather a long time planning, leading to the inevitable conclusion:

• Joffrey> Er… is it Elvira’s go?
• Abelapelas> Probably… we’ve been talking a lot.
• <laughter>
• Elvira> <rather smugly> Gary hasn’t said my name yet though!
• <more laughter>
• DM> True! I was looking something up; Abelas, you are no longer bladesinging.
• Abelas> Well..
• DM> You became the giant ape and lost access to it… I’ll need to look that up later.

The DM has duly looked that up and indeed any buffs are lost when you get Polymorphed, this includes Rage, for example.

• Abelas> That feels fair. It ends early if you are incapacitated, wear heavy armour or use a two handed weapon. I did throw a rock.
• DM> Look, I’m playing The Witcher 3 on bastard-hard difficulty using a potion-based build and halfway through the Kaer Morhen fight, after a cutscene, the fuckers took away all my decoction buffs and wouldn’t let me meditate to get them back! So that’s the mood I’m in so all your buffs are gone because all my buffs were gone!
• Regulus> <laughing> Fuck your buffs Jake!
• DM> Yeah! That’s the way that’s going!
• Jake> <laughing> I’m really sorry Gary!
• DM> Right then.. er.. shit, where were we? … Elvira!
• <laughter>

Having finally gotten her turn, Elvira has to wait to make her attack while a significant discussion took place. Unlike normally though, this one was quite important and it involved everyone, not least Elvira, while they tried to figure out the best way to stop the three veterans from escaping. This was fairly crucial so the DM was happy to just let it play out.

Elvira lets fly from the other side of the map and strikes the less-injured vet and hits him with a Grasping Arrow.

• Abelas> Is there no save for that?
• DM> No.
• Abelas> Bloody hell!

The spell attack roll is the arrow shot, it already hit. Think of it like a flaming arrow; if the arrow hits, the poor sod on the receiving end of it going to get burned, no further save necessary.

• DM> Clay?
• <Clay is next to Veteran 12 who is next to 7HP-Celdar>
• 7HP-Celdar> <with a hint of desperation> Fuck it up!
• Abelas> It’s grappled isn’t it! That would be attacking with advantage?!
• DM> <deepest of deep sighs> Fuck me…
• <Laughter as the DM assigns the cheese of the week award to Jake>
• Clay> I will try and stab Veteran 2.
• Regulus> Veteran 12…
• DM> No! He said Veteran 2!
• <Laughter; Veteran 2 is a squished pile if mush under the imprint of a giant ape fist>
• <Clay rolls a decent attack and does 12 damage>
• DM> Veteran 12 is looking somewhat worse for wear!
• Clay> And I’ll go again…
• <He rolls a 3>
• Clay> <sigh> And then I will…. be grumpy!
• DM> Abelapel… no… ‘Abelas’?
• Abelas> I choose not to activate bladesong and I cast… Storm Sphere!

Finally, after bigging it up for three sessions we get to see it in action! Abelas casts it right between the two fleeing injured veterans.

Finally!

A 20-foot-radius sphere of whirling air springs into existence centred on a point you choose within range. The sphere remains for the spell’s duration. Each creature in the sphere when it appears or that ends its turn there must succeed on a Strength saving throw or take 2d6 bludgeoning damage. The sphere’s space is difficult terrain.

Until the spell ends, you can use a bonus action on each of your turns to cause a bolt of lightning to leap from the centre of the sphere toward one creature you choose within 60 feet of the centre. Make a ranged spell attack. You have advantage on the attack roll if the target is in the sphere. On a hit, the target takes 4d6 lightning damage.

Creatures within 30 feet of the sphere have disadvantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks made to listen.

The DM rolled the strength checks and one made it, one failed. We did squeeze in the inevitable ‘only DC 14’ comment though so don’t worry. The follow-up lightning bolt struck Veteran 10 and killed him.

• Abelas> And then I’m going to stand here and hope Veteran 8 takes the bait!
• 7HP-Celdar> Rename his mini to ‘The Bait’!
• Abelas> Don’t taunt him!
• DM> Did I mention Veterans have Action Surge?
• Abelas> I don’t care, I finally got to use Storm Sphere!
• 7HP-Celdar> His work here is done!

The DM didn’t have to rename it as it was already called ‘Soon-to-be-Deadbelas’ after his failure to dash when he entered the gully with a full squad of triple-attack veterans hot on his heels.

Assumptions Were Made

Sadly Regulus spoiled the DM’s fun (and everyone else’s) and thunderfisted Veteran 8 which meant if she attempted to wreck Abelas it would be at disadvantage. I’m just going to call him Grinch from now on <sigh>.

Instead, Veteran 8 attacks the Grinch who casts Shield to give himself 27.. sorry, that should be twentyfuckingseven armour class. The DM makes a metal note to do something about that later on in the campaign.

• Abelas> Twenty fucking seven?
• <Once again the DM is slightly disturbed at how close his thought processes are to Jake’s>
• DM> Veteran 12 is going to double longsword 7HP-Celdar.
• Abelas> Oh Celdar!
• Oh Celdar> Are you sure, because she’s grappled?
• <awkward silence>
• Abelas> Yeah, it just means movement is zero. She can still attack you.
• <More awkward silence>
• DM> <with a barely perceptible trace of sarcasm> Don’t you think you ought to read what you did before you actually did it?

The DM helpfully pointed out the handy reference documents on the gaming table and then even more helpfully read out the description of grapple. The DM has an incredibly well stocked supply of sarcasm and consequently has never actually run out of it before… but he came close on this occasion.

Grinch> I think the extra 2d6 damage you have done to her may be… and I’m not going to judge, I didn’t say it at the time… I mean I did… but it’s fine! You’ve given Matt a target to whiff at!

That last bit was a bit harsh. It was also true and funny…

One of the longsword attacks landed on Oh Celdar for 7 damage.

ROGUE DOWN!

• DM> Veteran 12 is no longer grappled and she still has her movement. This is where is gets a bit tricky because we are on the edge of the map to town.
• Clay> I’d get an opportunity attack right?
• DM> Right. She’ll move anyway…
• Clay> I’ll use my opportunity attack then and… can you still add manoeuvres on opportunity attacks?
• DM> <grudgingly> Yes. It is utter cheese but the rules say yes.
• Abelas/Kroq> <gleefully> It is utter cheese!
• Clay> From what I’ve seen online the rules say you can but a lot of DMs say you can’t.
• DM> <still grudgingly> Yes, you can. <laughing> But it still fucking cheese!
• Abelas> It’s still a Strength save and the DM has been rolling them for fun tonight.

Clay hit the fleeing Veteran and the tension was palpable as the DM rolls to see if the trip attack will land.

The DM rolled a 1, obviously <sigh>

• <Relieved sighs all round>
• Grinch> We have never been as quiet as around that table…
• <laughter>
• DM> Actually, according to the UA, if you’ve just rendered unconscious someone who was grappling you, on a Thursday, you can’t be targeted by a Strength save in the same turn! It’s in the UA! Trust me, I’m a DM!

Oh Celdar makes a death save and fails it in style with a 2. He is now…

ONE DIE FROM DEATH!!!

Eh, he’ll be fine I’m sure… right?

• DM> Would anyone like to talk about anything in particular before I say ‘Elvira?’
• <Silence>
• DM> Elvira?
• Grinch> Come on! Hurry up Christina! We’re always waiting for you!
• <laughter>
• DM> <sigh> We are such a bunch of dicks.

A Shadow Arrow was fired at the hapless veteran left in the Spike Growth meaning he was spiked, tangled, stuck in a Storm Sphere and now he was blind. Some days you get to shoot the 50 Cal, some days the 50 Cal gets to shoot you.

To leave him to die or not to leave him to die, that is the question!

A relatively short but intense discussion takes place over Clay’s options. There’s a 5% chance that Oh Celdar will roll a 1, get a double death save fail and die. However, Clay is the only one who can realistically stop Veteran 12 from getting back to town and calling for help.

Clay chose to go after the veteran, leaving Oh Celdar in the hands of fate!

Another pensive moment as Clay rolls his first attack, relieved laughter as he gets 17 To-Hit; exactly the AC of the veteran. He deals 22 damage but Veteran 12 only had 5 hit points left and is removed from play.

• DM> Do you want to do anything else?
• Clay> Only to say sorry to Kraj!
• Kraj> <laughing> It’s ok!
• DM> “Good luck buddy!”
• Clay> I can’t save you but I can cross my fingers!
• DM> Gimpy the Wizard? Suddenly everything about you seems very big.

Gimpy lightning bolts the stuck, blind, electrified, wounded vet but he still lives! The elven mage then follows up with a level 3 Magic Missile. It turns out that veteran also only had 5HP left.

The last veteran starts legging it towards the opposite end of the map. It’s a long way to go.

It is once again time for Oh Celdar’s death save and a 1 will see him dead.

• DM> I’m sure everything will be fine Celdar, you couldn’t possibly roll a 1 could you?
• Abelas> It was nice knowing you Celdar!
• Oh Celdar> Ready?
• Grinch> Matt, move away from the screen!
• <nervous laughter>
• <silence>
• <The d20 rises into the air… and comes down… on a four!>
• DM> DOH!
• <exclamations of relief>
• DM> Celdar once again spends his entire turn bleeding out on the desert floor.

Joffrey Magic Missiles the final fleeing veteran but as Oh Celdar is still bleeding out the DM has to remind everyone we are still in combat until that is resolved. A very long discussion took place on how best to stop Oh Celdar from dying and Clay was the only one who could do it this turn.

Eventually it was decided that the best, obvious, most effective way to solve the problem was to use a Healer’s Kit to stabilise the rogue.

• Clay> Er… I don’t have a Healers Kit…
• <Table-wide sighs>
• DM> How much gold do you have Clay?
• Clay> Er… 650!
• DM> Healers Kit; 25 gold, 10 charges.

Eventually Clay pours a healing potion down the rogue’s neck.

• DM> End of combat.
• Abelas> I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. Not only did I get to be an ape, I got to cast the greatest spell of all time.

This is simply wrong as obviously the greatest spell ever is Hunger of Hadar:

You open a gateway to the dark between the stars, a region infested with unknown horrors. A 20-foot-radius sphere of blackness and bitter cold appears, centred on a point with range and lasting for the duration. This void is filled with a cacophony of soft whispers and slurping noises that can be heard up to 30 feet away.

No light, magical or otherwise, can illuminate the area, and creatures fully within the area are blinded. The void creates a warp in the fabric of space, and the area is difficult terrain. Any creature that starts its turn in the area takes 2d6 cold damage. Any creature that ends its turn in the area must succeed on a Dexterity saving throw or take 2d6 acid damage as milky, otherworldly tentacles rub against it.

Soft whispers in the dark, groping milky tentacles and slurping noises… much like a date with Kraj’s mum!

Info Dump

The surrendered veteran, Nigella, is currently unconscious as she’s had a giant badger sat on her for a few rounds. They take the passed out Nigella back to Lily’s house (Oren the Bard’s sister).

As the DM transitioned back to the main quest map, a random white horse from the Mornbryn town map appeared. It appeared right on Discount Mirkwood, AKA Binky’s Doom! It’s fated to be!

They decide to start interrogating Nigella and ask her several questions all at once. The DM points out she is still unconscious and so they wake her up and ask those questions again.

• Grinch> Was there anything… what was the leader called? I’m gonna go with Bert…
• DM> <trying not to laugh> His name was Oboth Thornsteel.
• Grinch> Bert then!
• Abelas> Yep, we’re gonna call him Bert now!
• DM> So you’re stood about asking all these questions of an unconscious prisoner?
• Abelas> Oh… right!
• Grinch> We better get our game faces on before we wake her up!
• <laughter>

Nigella is woken up and seems resigned to her fate. She informs the players that she is part of a mercenary company and that she started out as a caravan guard just like the party did. She was actually part of the caravan the players started the campaign with before they left to go to Nightstone. After the players left, the caravan was attacked and she took an arrow to the knee!

The wound went bad and the temple healing fees were high, forcing her to take a loan from the Zhentarim’s Black Network. She took work with the mercenary company and they were subsequently hired by the Zhetarim. There’s something big going down (no, not Kraj’s mum (for a change)) in what was once the town of Nesmė but they only wanted full Zhentarim members for guarding the ruins. Those are all bruisers and thugs whereas the trained mercenaries were hired to guard the road leading to Nesmė.

Nesmė was reduced to ruins by orcs and a white dragon during the recent War of the Silver Marches. When word of the fire giants walking through town came in, Oboth (Bert), very much a full Zhentarim, decided to take the mercenaries to Mornbryn’s Shield and then became obsessed with finding the ranger’s tomb.

Some of the mercenary company didn’t particularly like what happened in town but Oboth hadn’t hurt any of the townsfolk yet, just applied some scummy intimidation tactics. Most of the mercenaries are dicks, not much better than bandits but a few are decent people caught up in bad circumstances like her.

She suggests they let her go back to Oboth and she can persuade the others to leave with her when the fighting starts. Insight checks were made and it was generally thought that Nigella was telling the truth.

They did a LOT of planning about what to do but the DM was going to take a giant dump all over it… symbolically at least. All this planning was stuff that could have happened if they didn’t long rest. They decided to long rest which passed the initiative to Oboth.

They sent Nigella back to tell Oboth what happened and when it became obvious that they were going to let her go she told the group that the patrol leaders had Sending Stones. These were recovered from the gully and Nigella said she would send a message the next day confirming what was going to happen.

Sending Stones come in pairs, with each smooth stone carved to match the other so the pairing is easily recognized. While you touch one stone, you can use an action to cast the Sending spell from it. The target is the bearer of the other stone. If no creature bears the other stone, you know that fact as soon as you use the stone and don’t cast the spell.

Once Sending is cast through the stones, they can’t be used again until the next dawn. If one of the stones in a pair is destroyed, the other one becomes non-magical.

Sending: You send a short message of twenty-five words or less to a creature with which you are familiar. The creature hears the message in its mind, recognizes you as the sender if it knows you, and can answer in a like manner immediately. The spell enables creatures with Intelligence scores of at least 1 to understand the meaning of your message.

You can send the message across any distance and even to other planes of existence, but if the target is on a different plane than you, there is a 5 percent chance that the message doesn’t arrive.

They long rested overnight and Joffrey mentioned he was changing out some of his spells.

The following morning there was a knock on the door which turned out to be Daphne with a message from Oboth; he has taken a number of villagers hostage. The people who attacked his patrols are to appear on main street at noon or he will kill the hostages. You are to approach from the north end of town or he will kill the hostages.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will the players turn up for the high-noon low-down?
• – What changes has Joffrey made to his spells?
• – Will Oh Celdar nearly die again?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Everyone enjoyed the map and the combat. For a fairly innocuous fight it had some quite suspenseful moments and Matt’s failed attack on the fleeing Veteran 12 was fondly remembered.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard Abelapelas the Mighty – What have I done?!
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid (mostly in a bucket) – Abelapelas! I created you! Save me!
• Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – Can I shoot the ape?!
• Karl/Kraj as Celdar/Cunt Face the Arcane Trickster – I’m sure I’ve got some cheese that can help!
• Mike as Regulus the Artificer – Well this is awkward…
• Matt as Clay the Battlemaster – I planned an epic turn… and then the dice rolling happened.

With Gary as the DM – I’ve forgotten why I called Kraj’s mini ‘Cunt Face’…

Author’s Note:

The DM suffered an electrical failure at the start of the session when an extension cord started crackling in a rather alarming manner and then let all the magic smoke out. Turns out this fed the right-hand monitor, the TV, the Fire stick and the PC speakers. That last one was crucial because when it failed, Windows decided to swap the default audio output to the left hand monitor which, as far as I can can determine, has no built-in speakers. /golfclap Windows, /golfclap.

All that meant that the first hour of the recordings only has the DM’s microphone until he noticed a distinct lack of activity on the output bar while Kraj was moaning about how much time the DM was spending with on his mum lately.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants.

Pre-session Guff

Jake turned up and lamented the fact that he forgot to bladesing last session, which was funny because both the DM and Mike distinctly remember him saying he was bladsinging.

DM> It’s ok, I misremember stuff all the time… mostly because it makes the write ups funnier.

The DM reclaims the Cheese of the Week trophy from Mike. That was going to see a lot of use this session.

Mike explained to those present that Regulus had some buff he could grant them. Whatever it was is lost to the broken recordings but the DM’s reply was “What the fuck is this cheesy shite?!”

Adam received some flak for being late despite the fact that he wasn’t even working that day.

Talespire was discussed some more. The DM’s current plan is to start using Talespire for the next chapter where we can. This will mean some sessions are in Talespire but most would still be in TableTop Simulator. As Talespire improves we would end up using it more and more and TTS less and less.

This means the players need to shell out the £19.50 for Talespire in a couple of months. If you all get it before then, I’ll start using it straight away, but there’s no rush. If anyone has a particular objection to having to pay to keep on D&Ding (new baby, recent house move, drug habit, Only Fans habit, PornHub addiction etc.) I’m happy to just stick to TTS for as long as it lasts.

Bye Adam

We start the session proper just after Abelas has delivered the most epic insult of all D&D history:

“I bet you guys are so shit you couldn’t catch me”

Even a week later it’s still cringe-worthy <sigh>

During the discussion of how far from the veterans Abelas was, Mike earned a cheese of the week trophy. It was much deserved, obviously, but because of the recording issues I don’t know why.

In response to his monstrous abuse the veterans all fire at the gimpy wizard. The DM rolled six heavy crossbow attacks of 2, 3, 3, 5, 6 & 9. “Grade-A turdage” as the DM put it.

The fucky lucker gimpy wizard fled into the nearby dry gully and the six veterans pursued him.

The gully has three elevations; the lowest section is the dry river bed, 10ft above that is a narrow shelf where flooding has eroded the banks and finally, 10ft above that, is the desert floor.

It was at this point that we lost Adam to a Windows update.

ADAM DOWN!

The non-fleeing-for-their-lives players hid themselves amongst some rocks:

The DM has finally realised that he can link the full-size pictures <sigh>

Note that Celdar is hiding on the upper-left level behind a rock. That will become important later. Also, his mini had been renamed to ‘Cunt Face’, more on that later too. Clay and Regulus are in the river bed and Elvira moved to take up an elevated position behind Joffrey on the upper-right side.

There were several minutes of waiting to see if Adam was going to reappear during which time the DM created a flaming horse mini of Fandango to show the players what might have been <sigh>

We use a house rule on held actions that you have to do it even if you don’t want to. The DM has final discretion on this. It’s mainly because it leads to very funny outcomes on occasion. On this occasion however, the DM ruled that, as they were attempting an ambush, the players had full control over whether or not to ‘do the thing’ if the conditions for it were met.

While we were waiting (still) for Adam to get back, the DM mentioned the players might want to have a think about whether they wanted to take care of the two patrols and then rest, or head straight into the battle against Oboth. Resources could then be spent or hoarded accordingly.

Full Half Rincewind

A lot of planning was done and eventually it was decided to ‘fuck Adam’ and get on with it. A lot of actions were planned and held for when Abelas lured the mercenaries into the ambush.

However, on his first turn Abelas decided not go full-Rincewind and dash but instead to flee 40ft (he’s bladesinging) and then take the dodge action. The pursuing veterans dashed 60ft and ended up uncomfortably close to the wizard.

Adam reappeared! And sounded like he had a metal bucket on his head <sigh>

At this point the DM noticed the lack of player audio and corrected the issue. Sadly there was nothing the DM could do for the paper cup that Adam was using as a microphone.

• DM> <sigh> Well, it’s going to be a short write-up!
• Mike> Do you want us to go over everything we’ve said?
• DM> Yep, if we could just start from the beginning…
• Jake> We all insulted Adam!
• DM> Thing is, I’ve forgotten why I called Kraj’s mini Cunt Face.
• Mike> He asked about ten foot squares.
• DM> Yes! Thank you.

Second time around Abelas decided that dashing was very much in order and took off down the river bed at a rate of knots towards the ambush site.

Joffrey wanted to turn Regulus’s giant badger into a giant ape. Cheese alert!

• Joffrey (in a bucket)> Oh, it has to be something of the same CR…
• DM> <sarcastically> Ah, in that case, you could turn it into a… giant badger!
• Joffrey (in a bucket)> Er.. it would double its hit points!
• DM> <thinking about it; surprised> Er… yes, yes it would!
• <mucho laughter>

Sadly Joffrey chose not to blow a level 4 spell schlot on a giant badger.

We than had a moment of DM regret where he momentarily forgot he was the DM and thought he was a player <sigh>

The players were discussing how far into the ambush zone they were going to let the mercenaries get before cutting loose. Abelas is just on the safe side of the ambush zone but it’s his turn next and then the veterans after that.

• Abelas> <reluctantly> I need to keep going don’t I?
• Regulus> <also reluctantly> Yeah.
• DM> You could fake a trip…
• <ooh’s and aah’s>
• Abelas> I like it!
• Regulus> Except they will shoot you!
• Joffrey in a bucket> If you lie down…
• DM> You’ll be prone from the trip, they’d have disadvantage.
• Joffrey in a bucket> And then I can turn you into a giant ape!
• <groans and laughter>
• Regulus> Does anyone get the impression that Adam is, I dunno, obsessed?
• Joffrey in a bucket> Look, I just want to do it once!
• <laughter>

• Regulus> But I’m quite impressed Jake hasn’t mentioned Storm Sphere yet this week.
• <more laughter>
• Abelas> <laughing> I was about to suggest it but then Matt said he wanted to get into melee range.

Yes, Adam is obsessed about his giant ape… and he has a right to be. A giant ape polymorph is one of the single strongest actions a party can take at level 7. It remains extremely powerful for several levels after that as well. The party don’t know this and are reluctant to try it because, well, it’s an Adam plan isn’t it?

Trip Hazard

• Abelas> Right, I’m going to attempt to fake a fall!
• DM> Excellent, make a performance check!

Now this might seem rather underhanded by the DM in first suggesting something and then calling for a check on it but the DM knows that the check is going to be an incredibly easy DC5 and so absolutely nothing can go wrong, right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

• Abelas> I.. er… Oh, I have proficiency in Performance!
• <Jake rolls a 3>
• Abelas> Aaaaand it doesn’t matter, that’s a 4 total <sigh>

Well, shit. Didn’t see that coming.

The mercenaries still advance but they are now suspicious and split into three groups of two with one pair straight up the middle and the two other pairs taking cover by the rocks either side of the river bed.

DM> As they are now suspicious they won’t dash and as there’s nothing else to do they will all shoot at the wizard even though it’s disadvantage.

• Abelas> <laughing> This is where I just die!
• DM> <starts rolling dice, has a better idea> Can each of you, including Abelas, please make a single attack roll at disadvantage for the veterans please? Dishing the DM’s job out to the players!

Matt immediately rolls an 18 and a 20

• DM> Get in Matt!
• Matt> Sorry Jake!
• Mike> Wow, Matt really hates you! The rest of us rolled low on purpose!
• Jake> Matt… fuck you!

Good times.

The veterans only get a +3 To-Hit on their crossbow attacks and Abelas casts Shield and survives with no damage.

Disappointment

The group decide to cut loose with held actions on the mercenaries straight away.

• Regulus> They’re as close as they’re going to be so who’s first on the held actions Gary?
• DM> Elvira, as if you had to ask.
• Regulus> Yeah, sorry. What was I thinking?
• Elvira> It’s the first one I see so I’ll shoot at number 5.
• <Elvira rolls a 5>
• Elvira> Fifteen?
• DM> Fifteen does not hit. It bounces off their splint armour.
• Regulus> Christina!
• Elvira> <laughing> Second try!
• Abelas> I expect this from Adam!
• Regulus> The fundamentals of my existence are now in doubt!

Thankfully the universe is restored to its usual balance when the second attack is a 22 To-Hit.

• DM> Clay? You can choose not to use your held action.
• Clay> Well, they know we’re here now…

Clay does the same as Elvira, missing with the first shot, hitting with the second.

• DM> Abelas? You are prone on the floor but you still have your held action. <Dramatic voice> Storrrrrmm Spherrrre?!
• Abelas> <sadly> Yeah… I prepped a Shatter.
• <The disappointment is palpable>
• DM> Ten foot radius?
• Abelas> Yeah, that is a… queue surprise noises… DC fourteen Con save.
• Regulus> <surprised> Fourteen?
• DM> <casually> Only fourteen?
• <The DM rolls a 14 and a 19 for the Veteran’s saves>
• Abelas> Oh… fuck off!
• DM> Veteran 4 shouts to Veteran 5 “INCOMING! Dodge!” but the other one shouts back “It’s OK! It’s only a fourteen!”

Jake took it well for someone who can’t bring an AR15 to work and make us all pay. We are such a bunch of dicks <sigh>. Still funny though.

Celdar (AKA Cunt Face) takes his prepared shot from hidden with advantage and, in technical rogue terminology, sneak attacked the living shit out of an unfortunate merc in the gully below.

DM> <breaking the bad news with empathy and tact> Ok, now it’s your actual turn. You are no longer hidden and it is bright daylight so you can’t hide, suck it… Princess, and there’s no allies adjacent to them so you won’t get sneak attack.

Just to rub salt in the wound, the DM ruled that while he could take cover behind the rock he was next to, he couldn’t hide behind it because the bad guys would still know exactly where he was.

Temporary Insanity

• DM> Joffrey? Your held action if you want to and then your action.
• Joffrey in a bucket> I’m not going to use my held action because <disgustedly> ‘some people’ want to get in there and fight melee <sigh>
• DM> Ugh, how dare they?
• Joffrey in a bucket> Anyone want to be a giant ape? Anyone look willing?
• Abelas> I’ll do it!
• <shocked silence>
• Joffrey in a bucket> <surprised> Er… cool! <casually> I cast Polymorph onto Abelas then.
• Abelas> <laughing with a tinge of hysteria> What have I done?!
• Regulus> <scathingly> So you, potentially as our main damage dealer with AoE spells…
• Joffrey in a bucket> <somewhat smugly> Nah, he’s now the main damage dealer!

So what Joffrey (in a bucket) knows but the rest of them don’t is the stats on a Giant Ape:

Giant Ape

Huge beast, AC 12, HP 157, Speed 40ft/Climb 40ft.

Multi-attack: The ape makes two fist attacks

Fist. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit: 22 (3d10 + 6) bludgeoning damage.

Rock. Ranged Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, range 50/100 ft., one target. Hit: 30 (7d6 + 6) bludgeoning damage.

• Celdar> Does the giant ape have more charisma than myself and Abelas?
• Joffrey in a bucket> Probably!
• Abelas> <sigh> It has one more than me.
• <laughter>
• DM> Right, you have an armour class of 12 and 157 hit points…
• Abelas> Erm… it says 15?
• Joffrey in a bucket> I got mine from D&D beyond Gary.
• DM> So did I, I’m on it now. Giant Ape, armour class 12.
• Abelas> <to Joffrey in a bucket> How the fuck… How have you managed to cheese D&D Beyond?!
• <Resigned laughter>

This is a much misunderstood aspect of Adam’s D&D playing; only sometimes is the cheese deliberate. Most often it is simply a natural ability, an inherent affinity for Gorgonzola, a gift given unto him by a deal between the almighty Dice Lords and Karma as payback for all the transgressions by the DM.

It transpires, after the DM referred to the Monster Manual and Regulus referred to the Roll20 page, that Adam had mistakenly chosen the ‘beast companion’ variant of the giant ape and not the standard beast variant. Easily done but still funny and so Adam also achieves a Cheese of the Week trophy.

• DM> Anyway, as I was saying, it can also make a single ranged attack at +9 To-Hit with a rock, range 50/100 which deals 30 bludgeoning damage on hit.
• <Ooh’s and aah’s>
• Regulus> So we’re not rolling the damage for these?
• DM> Yeah, that’s off the stat block but we will, of course, be rolling them.
• Regulus> Because it sounds more impressive when you say 7d6+6. I mean, it’ll still come out as thirteen…
• <knowing laughter>
• Regulus> I also think it’s more intelligent than your wizard as well…
• <Shots fired!>
• Clay> Is that the ape or the rock Mike?
• <mucho laughter>
• Abelas> You… can go fuck yourself.
• Joffrey in a bucket> My work here is done.
• Abelas> <plaintively> I think its more wise than I am as well….

Getting Some Melee Action!

The two fighters are at the top of the initiative board and Elvira does what Elvira does and double-hits a mercenary for a fuckton of damage (imperial, not metric) and then, after a two-week absence, Clay steps up:

• DM> Clay?
• Clay> I am going to move in… and get some melee action!
• Regulus> I’m slightly worried that we’ve had a rounds worth of attacks and we haven’t killed one of them yet.
• Clay> I’m going to attack veteran 5 <rolls a 6> That’s 15 to-hit?
• DM> That does not hit, sorry.
• Clay> I’ll try again.
• DM> Welcome back Matt, we’ve missed you.
• <Clay rolls another 6>
• <silence as no one knows what to say>
• Regulus> Well this is awkward…

And now, the time Adam has been eagerly awaiting for almost two full sessions!

• DM> Abelas?
• Abelapelas> I’m going to do what, deep in my soul, I’ve wanted to do since the beginning of the campaign and CHARGE!
• Regulus> Oh… I thought you were going to say “Shit in my hand and throw it at them”
• Abelapelas> What the fuck is wrong with you?!
• <Abelapelas is having trouble manoov.. maneouvr… ‘moving’ into position due to his huge size>
• DM> You have 10ft reach if you noticed that.
• Abelapelas> I did not notice that!
• <Abelapelas enters the fray>
• Abelapelas> I am going to attempt to squash Veteran 5.
• <Jake rolls a 17>
• Regulus> Ooh, nice!
• Joffrey> You get plus 9 to hit and that’s 3d10 plus 6 damage… twice.
• DM> Veteran 5 just looks up at you and goes “Well… shit”.
• <Jake rolls 3, 5 & 9 for 17 and then he needs to add the 6>
• <silence>
• <more silence>
• Mike> <casually> That’s 23 Jake.
• Jake> Yeah I Know! I… I….
• <laughter>
• Jake> I just got there! <laughing> Fuck off!
• Matt> If we do the maths for Jake every time, we’ll get an entire extra combat in every night.
• <While this is true, think of the lost opportunities for abuse and amusement.>
• DM> <sigh> Veteran 5 is pounded into the floor of the gully, there’s not much of him left above ground. There’s a giant ape fist-print and a few bits of splintered splint mail.
• Jake> Adam, thank you so much!
• Adam in a bucket> He got giant ape fisted!
• DM> <sigh>
• Abelapelas> And then I’ll attempt to do the exact same to Veteran 4!
• Veteran 4 (about to be in a bucket)> Fuck you Monkey Face!

Veteran 4 takes a giant ape fisting for 22 damage.

Hands Up, Don’t Smash

Regulus runs up to a veteran, misses with the first hit but gives the mercenary a good thunder-fisting with his second attack.

A series of clunking sounds starts coming over Discord.

• DM> <laughing> Who is doing the dishes? Stop it!
• Adam in a bucket> Ah, sorry, background noise, hang on.
• Mike> I would have called it being Adam.
• DM> It’s fair, he’s in his kitchen, it’s fine. We understand.
• Jake> I don’t!
• DM> Push-to-talk is you friend! <thinks about it> Er.. unless you are trying to type and talk at the same time.

Veteran 1, the leader of this patrol, uses her action to pull a silver cylinder from under her cloak and fires a flare high into the sky.

The DM momentarily gave the veterans the giant ape’s +9 to hit instead of their +5. It’s fine, it’s in the UA. Trust me, I’m a DM.

• DM> Veteran 4 <the one that got pounded by Abelapelas> is muttering under his breath about the Zhentarim and he…
• <The DM has a short but hard think about what a mercenary would likely do in the circumstances Veteran 4 finds himself>
• DM> He er.. um.. <sounding surprised> He surrenders! He drops his swords, puts his hands up and says “I’ve had enough of this!”

Two mercenaries on the right-hand side climb up to the flood level and take cover behind some rocks. They prep actions.

• DM> Cunt Face?
• Regulus> If you don’t attack either of the ones I’m standing next to…
• Abelapelas> He’ll live up to his name!
• Celdar/Cunt Face> Longbow shot…
• DM> You can’t see anything you’re behind a rock.
• <Sounds of Adam having a conversation with his other half come over Discord>
• <Celdar/Cunt Face moves his mini from behind the rock>
• DM> Ok, the two veterans on the other side of the canyon, that have held their actions, shoot their crossbows at you!
• Celdar/Cunt Face> <sigh> I knew that was coming.

The DM pleaded with the Dice Lords for a pair of natural 20’s but they gifted him with a pair of 17s instead. Still nice.

• Celdar> I’m sure I’ve got some cheese that can help…
• <laughter>
• DM> Do you have Shield?
• Celdar> Err… yes!
• DM> Use it.
• <More laughter and more sounds of washing up coming from Adam’s Discord>

Celdar shoots at, and misses, the two Veterans in the gully. The rogue scampers back under behind his rock.

Joffrey initially wanted to cast the rather underwhelming Produce Flame but took so much flak for it that he cast Magic Missile instead.

• Adam in a bucket> Jake, are you going to take that veteran that surrendered up to your spire?
• Mike> And make sweet, sweet love to it?
• DM> <sigh> Abelas, you retain your personality…
• Regulus> Aaaw…
• DM> But you think like a giant ape
• Celdar> What’s the difference?
• DM> Well, while Abelas’s preference might be to run away from enemies, Abelapelas would be more likely to just charge, for instance.

Tea Time At Adam’s

Elvira sets about inflicting more pain of the hapless veteran while Adam sets about inflicting more clunking noises on the rest of us.

• Mike> Adam, are you now eating your tea?
• Adam in a bucket> <surprised> Er… yep.
• DM> <laughing> Could you use push to talk so we don’t have to hear you do it?
• Adam in a bucket> I am!
• DM> <scathingly> Oh really? Because we can hear every time you take a bite.
• <laughter>
• Adam in a bucket> Wait… can you still hear me now.
• <A chorus of resigned acknowledgements is heard>
• Adam in a bucket> What the…?
• DM> Work with computers much before have you?

Adam gets really confused as there is a physical switch on the cable that he has turned off. Adam also gets quite a lot of abuse (obviously).

• Adam in a bucket> Wait, can you hear me now?
• <Another chorus of resigned acknowledgements is heard>
• Adam in a bucket> Well that’s coming through my webcam…
• Kraj> And that’s why you sound so shit!
• <Long loud and mocking laughter and a number of comments generally disparaging Adam’s entire career competency.>

Finally, Adam no longer sounded like he was in a bucket and we could get on with it. Yay.

Clay moves over to the two veterans on the gully floor and eviscerates one of them with Legana. He misses the other one, obviously.

Puny Gods

• DM> Ok, brace yourselves everybody… Abelapelas!
• Abelapelas> FUCK YES! CHAAAAARGE!
• <Jake moves the gigantic ape miniature over to where the two right hand veterans are hiding 10ft above the gully floor>

• Abelapelas> Hello!
• <laughter>
• Veterans> Fuuuuck!
• Regulus> That looks awesome!
• Abelapelas> I’m going to try and smack the shit out of Veteran 3.
• <Jake rolls a natural 20>

A series of ‘oooooh’s are heard, some tinged with a touch of sympathy for what is about to befall poor Veteran 3 who takes 49 damage. That’s going to make your eyes water no matter what level you are and he is now looking a bit ropey. Abelapelas hits him again but rolled low on the damage for only an additional 13 but that was enough to render Veteran 3 a smear on the rocks.

One of the veterans crit-hit Clay for 14 damage. After Abelapelas, that seems a little lacking doesn’t it?

• DM> Veteran 5, having just seem his mate reduced to mincemeat, is going to run around the rock where he sees Joffrey. He runs up to Joffrey and attempts to grapple him. He gets +5 to Athletics and so… 25 Joffrey?
• <silence>
• Regulus> Oh no, he’s made a serious tactical error!
• <silence>
• DM> Yeah… I also think he’s forgotten what his push-to-talk key is.
• <silence>
• Adam> Yep!

Everyone had another good laugh at Adam’s expense and, to make it worse, Joffrey rolled low and was now grappled.

• DM> Well it says that you forego one of your attacks to make the grapple.
• <Distinctly unsympathetic chuckles as the players realise that non-Panic Snake Joffrey is about to get clobbered>
• Abelapelas> Oooh!
• Regulus> Nasty!
• DM> I’m going for some DM cheese as he gets two longsword and a shortsword, he foregoes one of the longsword attacks.
• <Both attacks miss <sigh>>
• DM> Oh well. <to Abelapelas> Anyway, let’s see you throw a rock at that fucker! Ah, that came out a bit venomous didn’t it?
• Joffrey> Abelapelas! I created you! Save me!

Celdar longbows a veteran and misses again.

• Regulus> Thanks for coming!
• Celdar> <sigh>

Joffrey had a cunning plan to turn into a giant snake and asked the DM if he would still be grappled as you can’t grapple anything bigger than you are. The DM went full cheese however, and rules that the grapple action was made before he would shape-change and so would still stick. There were a few chuckles at the image of a veteran suddenly hanging onto a gigantic snake for dear life.

Instead the druid Magic Missiles the grappler at point blank range.

I Can’t Breathe

At the top of the round, the second squad of veterans appeared but these guys came in on the top level and not the gully floor. Suddenly Celdar finds himself hiding on the wrong side of the rock.

• DM> Elvira?
• Elvira> Can I shoot the ape?! No, no!
• DM> Veteran 1 is untouched, mostly due to the efforts of the McWhiffy brothers down here.
• <Laughter>
• DM> I’m going to do a bit of DM buggery here, mostly for Joffrey…
• Joffrey> Erm…!
• DM> Elvira is a precision archer and would be able to choose which of the two grappled targets she hits, whereas a giant ape is not…. precise? And wouldn’t be able to differentiate between the two if throwing a large rock at two beings essentially hugging each other.

DM Note: A giant ape is, to be frank, overpowered cheese. However, it is also a lot of fun. There are a few ways to counter the OP cheese but some of those are really not fun. For example, giving the enemies a Wand of Dispel magic, but that just sucks as it saying ‘I’m just going to take away your power entirely and make you waste a turn’. Consequently, I will attempt to stick to more fun ways of balancing Giant Ape combat but those are probably going to seem a tad cheesy, like the decision above to make rock throwing a little imprecise.

Elvira elects to stow the longbow and moves into a flanking position to go full stabby-stabby with her shortswords. Both main hand attacks hit as does the third bonus offhand strike because Arcane Archers are still fighters and can shred things quite effectively with a pair of swords.

• DM> Clay?
• <Matt rolls a 4. Sympathetic laughter rings out>
• Regulus> I… <starts laughing> I feel we might be letting the side down a little bit here Matt, to be honest.
• Clay> <forlornly> I planned an epic turn… and then the dice rolling happened.

He hits with his second attack and cheers ring out! He uses a Battlemaster manoeuvre and trips the veteran who falls prone. This is followed up by an Action Surge and both the follow up attacks, now with advantage, land on the hapless mercenary. The merc went from untouched to nearly-dead in one turn, nice!

• DM> Brace yourselves. Abelapelas?
• Abelapelas> Well, I see Veteran 1 on the ground…
• <That was the one Clay just wrecked>
• Abelapelas> And Elvira has the Joffrey issue under control…
• Regulus> <mock outraged>Are you going to kill steal?
• Joffrey> Do it!
• Regulus> Twat!
• <It is unknown if this was directed at Joffrey, Abelapelas or indeed, both of them>
• Abelapelas> Well what else do you want me to do?
• Joffrey> What’s your range with a rock?
• Abelapelas> Er… fifty to a hundred.
• <The oncoming patrol are a bit further than 100ft>
• Joffrey> Maybe the DM will let you do a Strength check and throw Veteran 1 at this lot.
• DM> If you succeed on the grapple I will absolutely let you throw him.
• <Because let’s face it, that would be fairly fucking epic right? Right>
• Abelapelas> Ok then, I’ll try and pick up Veteran 1.
• Regulus> So… wait.. sorry… <with just a tinge of sarcasm> So we want them to run away, to tell all their mates…
• Abelapelas> <With the despondent tone of a man whose entire world has just come crashing sown around him> Oh.
• DM> <sigh> Damn you Mike.
• Abelapelas> I have subsequently realised that not only was that an Adam idea…
• <laughter>
• Abelapelas> … it was really fucking stupid.
• DM> <heavy sigh> Yes, the entire point of this entire map was to serve one purpose…
• Regulus> To thin their numbers!

I’d like to say it was actually a really good idea, it just wasn’t the right idea for this particular set of circumstances. Instead, Abelapelas stomps on the prone Veteran 1 leaving a giant footprint and some more splintered bits of splint armour.

• Abelapelas> I nod to Clay, he did well.
• DM> Clay probably didn’t see it because he’s looking at your kneecap.
• Joffrey> Or your monkey dong!
• DM> <sigh> It’s a female ape.
• Jake> WHAT?!

Regulus had NoShiro sit on the surrendered veteran.

The veteran grappling Joffrey landed a shortsword attack, forcing the druid to make a concentration save. Abelapelas was panicking slightly but Joffrey is a master of gorgonfuckingzola and took the Warcaster feat so he makes his concentration saves with advantage and Jake got to retain his giant monkey dong for a while longer.

The newly arrived patrol all fired at Celdar at once. The DM rolled 6, 14, 14, 16, 17 and 19. The exact mathematical equation for this is:

DM god rolls + Low AC = Celdar fucked

He got hit for 30 damage leaving him with a huge seven hit points more than he needs.

Celdar only has 14AC thanks to some spectacularly bad rolls during creation. Let’s face it, 14AC is just sad at level 7 and he hasn’t had a chance to get some magic items to make up for it yet so, sadly, we might have to visit some DM love upon the rogue fairly soon (as opposed to on his mum like usual).

8HP-Celdar, doing a pretty good impression of a porcupine, rolled a natural 20 with sneak attack on the veteran grappling Joffrey.

• DM> Kraj, you need to add 24 to that…
• Kraj> 38 total it comes out at!
• DM> <invokes heathen deity> Yeah, he’s dead.

Joffrey is having a minor mental breakdown trying to figure out what he’s going to do now it’s his turn.

• Joffrey> I do feel like I’m contributing, which is nice for once.
• Regulus> <dubiously> Yeah… indirectly.
• Joffrey> I’m not doing anything but…
• Regulus> So basically we need you to just hide behind that rock and not get hit.
• <laughter>
• Regulus> Healing doesn’t require concentration, could you make your way to Celdar and maybe heal him?
• Joffrey> That’s true, I’ll healing Word so that is 1d4+4…
• Regulus> Unless you cast it at a higher level?
• Joffrey> Yeah, but I kind of need those.
• Celdar> I feel valued.
• <laughter>

Joffrey rolled a 1 causing even more amusement and 8HP-Celdar becomes 13HP-Celdar.

DM> Sadly lady and gentlemen, we need to end that here because its a quarter past nine.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will 13HP Celdar survive?
• – Will the giant monkey dong get stared at some more?
• – Will they rest or go straight to the big boss showdown?!

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

A giant sperm whale was mentioned, that’s all I’m going to say.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – Not only do you take the piss out of me.. you use maths!
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Right, you need to mount me.
• Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – I like that plan!
• Karl/Kraj as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – If I did that every time he insulted me…
• Mike as Regulus (TCCIAD) the Artificer – If you say to me “Who’s shit?” it goes to Abelas doesn’t it?

With:

Gary as the DM – That’s what it says in chat; “Kraj fail”

Author’s Note:

Because the DM forgot to start recording, some of the opening banter was lost and will be reproduced from memory. Thus, the first section is likely to be even more inaccurate than the rest of it usually is.

There’s a lot of travel coming up and logically, thought the DM, they’d go to Waterdeep, then Amphail then Kryptgarden Forest, Shadowtop Cathedral and finally Morbryn’s Shield on the way to Xantharl’s Keep. So while the DM had created the map for Mornbryn’s Shield (just in case) he hadn’t put too much more work into it because they’d probably get there next week at the earliest right? Right.

They had other ideas, obviously <sigh>

This is another of those sessions where I’m going to come off (stop sniggering Adam) as being rather harsh on the players. I thoroughly enjoyed this session and spent most of it laughing. Sadly, as most non-combat episodes tent to be, and as I recently said to Kraj’s mum, this one is quite large.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants.

Pre-session Guff

Matt couldn’t make it tonight because moving house is apparently more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Mike and Jake joined and Mike informed the DM that he would be staying melee spec as Matt had put his house before gaming. Jake joined, caught the last bit of that conversation and confidently assured everyone that “It’s ok, I’m here, melee is sorted”.

The DM tells the players that there’s a fair chance that this might be a combat free episode. They tried really hard to make that prediction fail <sigh>.

In the midst of a fond recollection about the time a swarm of giant mosquitoes killed Adam’s panther, the recently connected Kraj became the recently disconnected Kraj:

• DM> <sigh> Kraj has just failed… that’s what it says in chat: “Kraj fail”.
• Mike> I think he took it personally when you said it all went wrong when he logged on.
• <Kraj reconnects>
• Kraj> Well my Internet just died, that was random.
• Mike> We just said you stormed off because Gary had insulted you.
• Kraj> <with a tinge of resignation in his voice> If I did that every time he insulted me…
• <laughter>
• Kraj> … we’d never get anything done.

Fair. Definitely fair.

As Adam wasn’t due until half-past nine the rest of us wibbled on about random awesome stuff like the Predator mission in Ghost Recon Wildlands, LMGs with extended magazines in The Division and Skyrim quests.

Adam finally turned up at a quarter to ten in the midst of a discussion on how much they are going to fuck up KOTOR 3.

Off Piste

The DM reminded the party about the rumour they heard about two blue dragons sighted near Ascore. The adventurers still weren’t adventurous enough to go take a look, which is a surprisingly sensible decision based on their past performance.

They were offered two immediate options for travel; a caravan to Waterdeep, for which they would be paid 10g each as guards, or head straight overland to Amphail. Sadly, in making the logical guess on where they would travel, the DM forgot to account for the ‘Mike Factor’:

• Mike> Here’s a question guys; if we go to Waterdeep we can pick up the teleporter, probably go to Amphail after that…
• DM thinking> Oh, good, logical.
• Mike>… and then after that I think it’s worth us heading over to Loudwater…
• DM thinking> Wait, what?! Did he just say fucking LOUDWATER?!
• Mike> And then we can teleport back to Waterdeep and go up to Neverwinter…
• DM thinking> Neverwinter?! WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD THEY GO TO NEVERWINTER?!
• Mike> But I kind of want to get things activated so…
• DM thinking>

• DM saying> And you couldn’t have told me any of this shit last week so I could have prepped it, no?
• <laughter>
• Mike> <laughing> I just think… I don’t know if it’s worth, while we’re down this end, going over to Loudwater… even if it’s just a case of popping in without loading a map up, activating it and leaving again.

Ok, this is not Skyrim, this is The Sword Coast. It’s a dangerous place normally. It’s particularly dangerous when random giants are rampaging about. There’s no ‘just popping over to’ somewhere, you have to adventure to your destination. You have to pass through other locations to get to where you are going. These locations may have all sorts of things happening in them and the DM has to prep these things. So, should you happen to decide to go in exactly the opposite direction that ALL of your current quests are in, you just might want to think about mentioning that to the DM before you do it. Like at least a week before you do it. Just sayin’.

Wow, that was almost as much of a sermon than the last episode of The Preacher and The Winter Soldier.

Eventually they decided to go to Waterdeep where Mike was convinced that Chazlauth Yarghorn, the dragon ‘expert’ was, in fact, actually a dragon himself.

Waterdeep

The City of Splendors is a bustling, walled city on the Sword Coast. Some merchants have dubbed Waterdeep the best supply centre in the world, with the largest collection of superb craft workers, experts, useful contacts, and potential hirelings to be found anywhere. Others caution that the city houses a veritable army of potential enemies for those who aren’t careful — and everyone agrees that its wide, crowded streets are full of spies.

Waterdhavian noble families and guilds hold tremendous political and economic sway up and down the Sword Coast, but within the city itself, true power lies with the Masked Lords of Waterdeep — rulers who convene in secret and whose identities are largely unknown. The public face of this ruling body is the Open Lord of Waterdeep. The current Open Lord, Lady Laeral Silverhand, has held the position for only a few months. Many of the city’s nobles and guildmasters are vying for her attention while conspiring to wrest power away from her office. There’s also trouble brewing between the Zhentarim, which has gained an economic foothold in the city, and the Xanathar Thieves’ Guild, which controls much of the city’s criminal underworld.

Characters who belong to the Harpers, the Order of the Gauntlet, the Lords’ Alliance, or the Zhentarim can find faction representatives in Waterdeep.

We have two items to attend to in the city of wonders; Zi Liang’s quest to see the butler in House Thran and Naxene’s quest to see Chazlauth totally-not-a-dragon Yarghorn about recruiting the good dragons to help the Lord’s Alliance against the giants.

They activated the teleporter first and then chose to go visit the butler and made their way to house Thran. On the way there, Adam had a rather random seeming question:

• Adam> Gary, do you have a Giant Ape model?
• <laughing starts>
• DM> Er… I can get probably get one…
• Mike> Where are you going to see a Giant Ape?
• Adam> It’s Polymorph, it’s magic, I don’t need to see it!
• Mike> I’m not sure that’s what Gary ruled in the last game…
• <It isn’t>
• Adam> Who wouldn’t want to turn into King Kong?!
• <Anyone in a room with a 10ft ceiling, anyone in a corridor, anyone who doesn’t want to be targeted by a Banish spell with a -2 to Charisma. I could go on but why spoil the surprises?>
• DM> A Giant Ape is relatively common as an exotic animal in circuses and such around the Sword Coast.
• Mike> <dismissively> Any animal Adam turns into is fairly common.
• DM> <sigh>
• Adam> No! I’m not turning into a Giant Ape, one of you lot are!

They spent some time fucking about (about three minutes) and subsequently they forgot why they were in Waterdeep:

• Jake> I think we were thinking of going to the butler place.
• Mike> Is that totally not a dragon or…?
• Jake > That’s not the dragon. That one came from Lee… Leigh… something.
• DM> <sigh> Li Zieng.
• Jake > Li Zieng, the monk.
• Mike > Gary, we’re missing the quest things.
• DM> Oh for fuck sake, it was like on the other map two seconds ago. This is why you came here. You need to talk to the butler of house Thran for Li Zieng and you need to talk to the dragon expert. That’s all you need to know.
• Mike > So we need to go to the temple of what? Ok, let’s go and see the butler.
• Jake> I can feel Gary’s blood pressure going up.
• Adam> Please don’t annoy Gary, I’ve got to spend a weekend working with him!
• <laughter>
• DM> <trying not to laugh> Fuck you all! <loads up the quest map with the quest cards on it> Do you want to read the cards now?
• Mike> Yes please!
• DM> <trying to sound scathing while still trying not to laugh> The cards that tell you nothing you don’t already know?!
• <more laughter>
• DM> Right! Fuck you all! <flips table>

Good times.

Right, after all that mess they decided to go see the butler. Except they didn’t. Regulus, obviously, wanted to “go find out about these people” from the faction contacts. Thankfully, they lost patience during the discussion of how to do that and decided to follow the original extremely simple instructions of ‘Go here, give the man this thing, get a reward’.

Round the Back

So the gimpy elf wizard, the shifty looking elf rogue, the war-robot, the Air Genasi offspring of an inter-planar being and the KKK recruiter all rock up at the front entrance of House Thran, a very imposing looking mansion with very nice gardens, trying to look respectable.

They are met by a rather pompous doorman who directs them to the servant’s entrance, mainly because the DM likes winding up the players as much as the players like winding up the DM.

They grumbled about it but were soundly defeated by the logic that, while they were not servants, the person they wanted to talk to was.

The party are warmly greeted by the kitchen staff, offered refreshments (Joffrey got some warm milk) and the elderly but very dignified head butler Cauldar is summoned. Regulus explains in robot voice about the pearl from Zi Liang and Cauldar explains that Zi Liang is committed to an aesthetic lifestyle with the church and the pearl means her inheritance is to be given to the players. Two servants are sent to the attic to retrieve a chest:

• Abelas> Loot!
• Regulus> Oooooh!
• Abelas> LOOOOOT!
• Joffrey> Mimic!
• DM> The trunk contains a variety of bits and bobs but there are two magic items within… rolled on magic item table C no less… I’m going to regret this but these were genuine rolls, I have replaced a few rolls that were duplicates in the campaign but these were the originals… There is a Wand of Magic Missiles…
• <gasps>
• DM> …and a Chime of Opening. The WoMM is an Uncommon item but the chime is a Rare item so you got lucky on that one.

Cauldar mentions that the black pearl amulet is quite rare and offers to see it returned to Zi Liang. Despite Joffrey’s obvious objections, the rest of the group decide to leave the rather valuable pendant with Cauldar.

DM> I’m just going to randomly throw out the fact that two blue dragons are likely to have a spanking dragon hoard out there in the desert. Just sayin’.

No bites today DM, keep on fishin’

Regulus enquired if Cauldar knew anything about ‘Mister Totally-not-a-dragon’ and the group were given direction s to the North Ward where they were told to look out for the big house with a tower on the corner. “Totally accessible by air!” Regulus observed.

Cauldar also informed them that Chazlauth Totally-not-a-dragon Yarghorn kept cats and some kind of big lizard.

Regulus> Ah, this next NPC is going to be my next favourite NPC after, obviously, the totally fabulous Benjamin!

<Spoilers; he really isn’t!>

Chazlauth Totally-not-a-dragon Yarghorn

• Regulus> Erm, do we wanna decide who gets the loot?
• Abelas> I think the one who needs the most To-Hit, so Elvira should get the WoMM.
• Regulus> Yeah, because she always misses doesn’t she? It’s getting quite embarrassing.
• Abelas> It gives her another option.
• Elvira> I like that plan!
• Regulus> I don’t know about you but when I… if you say to me “Who’s shit?” it goes to Abelas doesn’t it?
• <shots fired!>
• Abelas> I can already Magic Missile!
• Regulus> <gently but also brutally> Yes… but you don’t, that’s the thing.
• DM> Now you can Magic Missile for free five times a day… six times if you want to live dangerously.
• Regulus> And let’s face it, that will make you five times more useful than you are at the minute!
• Celdar> Five times zero is still zero.
• Regulus> Niiiice! Nice maths joke!
• Abelas> That’s just too cruel! Not only do you take the piss out of me.. you use maths!

Chazlauth (Totally Not A Dragon) opens the door, he appears to be an elderly human mage and also appears to totally not be a dragon and enquires of the party “Waddaya want?!”

As the door is opened there is a flash of something large and silver in the room behind him. Whatever it was it disappeared up the stairs to the tower. When the party mention they were sent by Naxene to discuss business about the Lord’s Alliance, Chazlauth (TNAD) invites them in, sees them seated on a pair of large sofas and offers them some tea.

As he is doing this a loud screeching snarl sounds from upstairs followed by the sounds of a number of panicked cats which merge with the sound of falling objects. Chazlauth (TNAD) staggers over to the door and yells up the stairs “IRIZZORL! BEHAVE YOURSELF!” and then goes back to making the tea. The sounds from above are not diminished in any way.

• DM> Joffrey, your Tressym is cowering in the hood of your robes, shaking.
• Joffrey> Can I do a nature check to figure out what that was?
• DM> Absolutely!
• Joffrey> It’s a 12..
• Regulus (Totally Convinced Chazlauth IS a Dragon)> You’re a DRUID and you have plus one to Nature?!
• Joffrey> It’s Intelligence based!
• DM> The screeching is reptilian.

Regulus (TCCIAD) tries the check as well and rolls an 11. Celdar has a go and does much better and now knows that the screeching is from a silver dragon wyrmling. The party seemed entirely unsure what to do with this newfound knowledge,

Regulus (TCCIAD) attempts to explain the entire campaign plotline to Chazlauth (TNAD) but Chazlauth (TNAD) falls asleep halfway through. He does pick up on the fact that Naxene wants the Lord’s Alliance to form a pact with the good dragons against the giants. Chazlauth (TNAD) has a good laugh at this and suggests that the Lord’s Alliance would rather hurl themselves into the Nine Hells than deal with dragons.

Instead, the elderly mage (still TNAD) suggests a different plan:

• Chazlauth (TNAD)> You should go have a chat with Old Gnawbone in Kryptgarden Forest. Got a magnificent set of balls!
• <surprised laughter>
• Chazlauth (TNAD)> Made of crystal they are! Can scry all sorts of things. Green dragon… green dragon.. old and evil BUT she doesn’t like giants and so she’ll probably use her balls to help you fight the giants… if she doesn’t eat you.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Could you contact your silver dragon friends to assist us as well?
• Chazlauth (TNAD)> Errrrrm…. No.
• <laughter>
• Chazlauth (TNAD)> But bear with me.
• DM> He toddles off to a nearby cabinet muttering “Green dragons! Poison! POISON!” and he grabs 5 potions of a dark green liquid, mutters “There were more! There were more!” and he fumbles around in a drawer and finds another one. He hands each of you a Potion of Poison Resistance.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Does this make us resistant or immune?
• DM> Resistant.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> <to Chazlauth (TNAD)> OK, we’ll go and speak to Old Gnawbone but if you could possibly get words to any goodly dragons that you know about the threat that’s coming from the giants…
• Chazlauth (TNAD)> <dismissively> No!
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> <somewhat miffed> OK. Think about it though?
• Chazlauth (TNAD)> <dismissively> No!
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> <somewhat more miffed> Great. We’ll leave it that you’re thinking about it and possibly going to talk to them…
• Chazlauth (TNAD)> <curtly> Bye.
• Regulus> <sigh> Totally not a dragon. If he’s a dragon he’s a fucking bronze dragon or something shit like that!

Rassalantar

The party ready themselves to leave Waterdeep and discuss where to go next.

Jake> This is such a different campaign to our last one. Everywhere we’ve left is still standing!

Jake hasn’t yet made the connection that everywhere they go, trouble is either waiting or shows up shortly afterwards.

Kryptgarden Forest is not far north of Amphail and halfway along the route to Shadowtop Cathedral so that’s the blindingly obvious route that any sensible group would take to hit the most quest locations in the shortest time right? Right.

Obviously they chose to do something almost, but not entirely completely different. They started well by heading to Amphail and elected to stay overnight in the small village of Rassalantar.

Many a traveler has come upon the quiet village of Rassalantar and taken comfort in the soft beds and rich ale of the Sleeping Dragon, a cozy roadside inn. Few pay much attention to the walled farms and grazing sheep around the town, and fewer still take notice of the ruined keep hidden among the stand of trees west of the village. Yet Waterdeep has long maintained a large contingent of its City Guard here, using a nearby barracks as the base for outriders who infrequently patrol the road north as far as Amphail and south to Waterdeep.

Yondral Horn (male shield-dwarf), a retired adventurer on the Black Network’s payroll, runs the Sleeping Dragon and keeps an eye on the activities of the City Guard and any Lords’ Alliance members that come through. Anyone who is a member of the Lords’ Alliance receives the finest quarters, which happen to have thin walls so that Yondral can spy on his guests.

Elvira was offered the good rooms with thin walls and this caused some very seedy speculation indeed. Regulus (TCCIAD) insight checks the dwarf and feels his interest in Elvira is professional in nature.

The DM had some trouble convincing the players that the night had actually passed uneventfully and finally just switched to out-of-character chat and explained the whole Zhentarim spying on the Lord’s Alliance thing.

Regulus (TCCIAD)> Ah, clearly he doesn’t realise how little attention Christina paid to her backstory.

Am-fail

The DM had managed to miss the suggested encounter for Aphail and so we didn’t do it. It wasn’t a big deal as there’s only a few nice magic loot items the players miss out on by not doing it.

HAH! I’m kidding!

Or am I?!

Amphail lies north of Waterdeep on the Long Road. The town is named after one of Waterdeep’s early warlords, who is said to haunt the surrounding hills in spirit form, frightening away monsters. Horses are bred and trained here, rich Waterdhavians maintain secluded estates in the hills, and farmland is plentiful. Stands of dark duskwood and spruce trees are everywhere.

In one corner of the town square stands the Great Shalarn, a black stone statue of a famous war stallion bred in Amphail long ago. Gelded by a prankster, the rearing stone horse is often painted in bright colours by high-spirited locals. Children are allowed to hurl stones at birds perched on the statue, to help keep it free of droppings. The children often climb it themselves and cling precariously to the high, tilted saddle, waving their arms and commanding imaginary armies into battle.

Within spitting distance of the statue is the Stag-Horned Flagon, a cozy tavern run by a grey-haired, middle-aged woman with a wry sense of humour named Arleosa Starhenge whom the party have been sent to meet by Miros at Goldenfields. The town looks as if they are preparing for a festival.

The adventurers greet Arleosa and explain that Miros said they should say hello if they were passing through. Arleosa buys them a round of drinks and explains that she and Miros were in the same travelling carnival troupe together. She was born in the Feywild and can change her shape several times a day, a skill she doesn’t use much at all these days.

Once the players explain the events at Goldenfields, Arleosa gifts the party a ring left to her many years before by a halfling.. er… ‘acquaintance’ and should they ever be in need they just have to whisper his name to the ring and he will appear to assist them. The name is Keltar Dardragon.

• DM> Arleosa actually hands the ring to Elvira because the book says “She offers the ring to the character she likes the most” and, I mean, that’s not even a competition is it? A bunch of arseholes and Christina…
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> I was going to ask her how she avoided the curse of the shapechanger because the only shapechanger I’ve come across makes you a bit of a dick!
• Joffrey> Wait, you did what?! Did you wipe it off afterwards?
• DM> <sigh>

Just re-read it if you didn’t get it ok?

Less Am, More Fail

Right then Amphail is done and it’s off to the next destination which has to be Kryptgarden Forest just to the north past Redlarch, right? Right.

• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Where to next then?
• Abelas> We could go always make our way through Red Larch up to Westbridge… or not even that far, just off road it to Kryptgarden…
• DM thinking> Well that was easy.
• Abelas> .. to do the dragon thing but it is a dragon…
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Yeah, it’s not only a dragon thing, it’s a green dragon thing.
• Abelas> Frankly, any dragon thing seems like death!* Or, we could teleport up to Yartar and wander over to Shadowtop.
• DM thinking> Ok, that’s stupid but it’s not the worst choice.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> I’m not sure that’s a better option than going to see the green dragon! Shadowtop Cathedral doesn’t sound welcoming.
• Abelas> Zlifferlas wants us to find a druid called Aerglas in Shadowtop Cathedral.
• DM> Aerglas is the one who made Zlifferlas.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Oh right, because now we’ve got the ring to summon the halfling we can use that to distract the priests because it will look like a child from a distance! Liking it!

*Oh for the days of Phandelver when the DM was worried because the level 3 adventurers actually wanted to pick a fight with a green dragon. Guess they were all a lot more adventurous back in those days <sigh>

As the discussion on where to go next rambles ever onwards the DM would like to summarise the travel options that were available to the players from the start of the session. You know, just to put it in perspective:

– Waterdeep – Next to where they started. Has rewards and a lead about how to defeat the giants

– Amphail – Next to waterdeep and on the way to everywhere else

– Kryptgarden Forest – Just up the road from Amphail and on the way to everywhere else. Continues the lead on how to defeat the giants.

– Shadowtop Cathedral – Kind of out of the way and not really on the way to anywhere else but contains a different lead on how to defeat the giants.

– Mornbry’s Shield – No real point going there beyond checking on Oren’s sister. Kind of out of the way but on the way to Xantharl’s Keep which they will almost certainly (but not as certainly as before this session!) be the very last place they go in this little section of the chapter.

So, Waterdeep, Kryptgarden and Shadowtop all really important. Amphail on the way to any of them. Mornbryn not important and on the way to the last place they’ll want to visit.

They chose to go to Mornbryn obviously. I mean, why wouldn’t you just ignore all of the important shit that will get you loot and information and instead just bugger off miles out of the way to visit a drunken bard’s sister. Makes perfect sense, right? Right.

• Abelas> I don’t like the idea of even going close to a dragon at level 7.
• DM thinking> Oh for fuck sake, you beat a black dragon in the last campaign at level fucking five and with crap gear! Well… Shiro did most of the work, but still.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Yeah, I think going back there a little bit later when we are a level or two higher might be more impactive.
• DM thinking> A level or two won’t help
• Abelas> I’m not sure a level or two will help.
• DM thinking> Crap, I’m thinking like Jake, do I need to be worried?!
• DM saying> Chazlauth (TNAD) was reasonably sure she wouldn’t just kill you outright.
• <This is another of those DM’s ‘big-fucking-clue’ type thingies>
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> <with surprising venom> Yeah but Chazlauth (TNAD) was a bit, and I use the phrase in its traditional sense, of a dick! So… I didn’t like him.

There was a lot more of this and in order to break the impasse they applied logic and reasoning and… oh, no, wait, they just rolled a die <sigh>:

Regulus (TCCIAD)> And we are going to <rolls> Babdaadaa! Mornbryn’s Shield!

DM thinking> It’s fucking Womford all over again!

Yup. They didn’t even consider having Xantharl’s Keep as one of the options and yet Mornbryn’s Shield is on the fucking way to it! <deep breath… wooooosaaaaah!>

Oh well, excrement occurs I guess.

Mornbryn’s Shield (AKA The Other Womford)

Mornbryn’s Shield, a village on the western fringe of the Evermoors, takes its name from the rocky, horseshoe ridge that forms a natural rampart along the west and south sides of the settlement, protecting it against flooding when the Surbrin River swells in the spring. At the northeast end of Mornbryn’s Shield is a small stone keep with fire-hurling catapults aimed toward the Evermoors. Mornbryn was a ranger of some fame in the North centuries ago, and legend has it that his treasure-filled tomb is hidden somewhere close by.

The villagers are accustomed to facing threats from the Evermoors, but nothing as formidable as fire giants. Three weeks ago, a quartet of fire giants strode through the village, climbed over the ridge west of town, waded across the river, and disappeared into the Surbrin Hills without so much as a sideward glance. The villagers were left untouched, and property damage was minimal. It was clear to the Shield’s residents that the giants had no interest in the village. It merely stood in their path.

They arrive at Lily’s house (Oren’s sister) and let her know Oren is fine. Lily, however, is rather troubled. It seems that after hearing of the fire giants’ “attack” on Mornbryn’s Shield, Zhentarim operatives dispatched mercenaries to the village, offering protection. The mercenaries rode into town on warhorses, acting like shining knights.

The villagers welcomed them at first, but the mercenaries are proving to be more trouble than they’re worth. They seem more interested in finding the lost tomb of Mornbryn than in guarding the village. The mercenary leader, Oboth Thornsteel, has turned the Troll in Flames — the local inn — into his personal headquarters with a number of mercenaries stationed there as guards. Meanwhile, the rest of the mercenaries question the villagers and ‘escort’ some of them to the inn to be questioned by Oboth.

There are about two dozen Zhentarim in town.

Obviously Mike (TCCIAD) immediately wants to start discussing all the different ways how to deal with the problem without understanding all of the problem <sigh>. It was decided to head into town to find out what is what.

• Celdar> Do you want to do an investigation check when approaching the town just to see what’s going on, to see if there are any garrisons or anything like that?
• DM> <slightly scathing> Investigate the town from afar?
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Yes
• DM> Yeah, roll for that shit.

Kraj at this point realises he may have fucked up.

It’s not his fault, he’s new and he fell into the trap of asking the DM for a check on something which in D&D is rather poor form. You are supposed to tell the DM what you want to do; “Can I see any fortifications or anything similar as we approach Mr DM?” then the DM will decide if a check is warranted and what type it is; “Er… make a Perception check Fucknuts” and then elucidate the outcome with prose suitable for the setting and the action; “You can’t see shit, suck it Princess”.

But, investigation checks were what they wanted and investigation checks were what they got.

• Celdar> <laughing> I’m going to need a natural 20 for this aren’t I?
• Abelas> Can we all have a go?
• DM> <still slightly scathing> Yeah, everybody have a go at investigating the town from a distance.

Celdar, naturally, rolls a 1 much to everyone’s amusement. Joffrey rolls a natural 20.

• Celdar> Where’d the town go?!
• Joffrey> Well I wasted that.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> I don’t even know what we were trying to investigate there.
• DM> EXACTLY! You investigated ‘the town’.
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Ok…. Are there patrols going around the town as we approach it?
• DM> Yes, kind of, there are riders.

<expletives deleted>

The DM loads up the Mornbryn’s Shield map and places minis, starting with the players and their horses:

• DM> Kraj, what colour is your horse?
• Kraj> Er…. A black variant of some description.
• <The DM grabs a black horse mini and places it on the map>
• DM> <somewhat sarcastically> Are you sure you don’t want to go adventuring on a white one?
• Adam> I’ve reposted it in discord
• <’it’ is the horse colour guide chart>
• Kraj> Oooh…. Er…. Go dapple grey!
• <The DM takes a deep breath, deletes the black horse and puts a grey horse on the map>
• Mike (TCCIAD)> Niiiice!
• DM> <expletives deleted>
• <The recordings capture everything the DM says whether push to talk is pressed or not so I don’t know if that came out loud>
• Kraj> No, fuckit, go leopard!
• <laughter>
• <The DM renames the dapple grey to ‘Mount of the Cunt’>
• Kraj> It should be called Butt Stallion

The DM renames the dapple grey to a variant of Butt Stallion that would not be appropriate to mention in a public forum. It wasn’t that bad and it was very funny but these are the days we live in.

As the group ride into town they are confronted by a group of six hardy looking veteran fighters. At a house nearby they can see another patrol who appear to be questioning the residents of a house.

The head of the group confronting the players offers them a ‘professional invitation’ to go see their boss in the inn, which they accepted.

Fuck Off, You Hobos!

The inn (The Troll in Flames) has been converted into a makeshift barracks. Oboth is sitting at a large table at the far end of the common room with six mercenaries arrayed around the walls nearby. Another six mercenaries are arrayed around other areas of the common room, mainly by the bed rolls and tables. The six mercenaries that ‘invited’ them to the meeting also accompany them inside so that makes the boss plus eighteen fighters.

Then there’s Daphne. Daphne is one of the villagers and as the party enter she is being quizzed about the possible location of Mornbryn’s Tomb by Oboth who is making notes in a large leather-bound notebook. Oboth sees them enter and waves Daphne off to one side and beckons the party over.

• Oboth> My name is Oboth. We are currently in charge of this town. What brings you to Mornbryn’s Shield?
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> We were simply passing through in order to check on a local inhabitant because of all the troubles that are happening.
• Oboth> Interesting word ‘trouble’. You look like trouble ‘makers’ to me…
• <Let’s face it, he isn’t wrong is he?>
• Oboth> You should seek shelter elsewhere, you are not welcome here. Should you choose to challenge my authority, I will see you to some quiet accommodations in the local graveyard. Now, be on your way!
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Are you aware of the dangers to the North of the giants attacking?
• <He is, but that’s for another session>
• Oboth> I don’t care. Leave town.

So that’s fairly straight forward then, it’s a simple choice of try and kill them all here now or do it separately later. Er.. actually, with this lot both the DM and Old Gnawbone wouldn’t be entirely surprised if they did just leave town<Shots fired!>

• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Ok guys…
• Abelas> What do you reckon our odds are? I’m feeling like they are low…

• Joffrey> I’d say 50-50… we either die or we don’t.
• <laughter>
• Celdar> We do have two health potions each right?

There was a lengthy discussion on what to do. Highlights:

– Abelas bigging up Storm Sphere again. That shit better be spectacular when it finally goes off.

– Abelas wanting to leave to stash the horses before they get into a fight. The implication being that he clearly cares far more for Binky than any of the group (do we blame him?).

– The fact that Regulus (TCCIAD) is still melee spec and this may be the only opportunity for him to ever be in melee range of an enemy.

– Joffrey wants to polymorph the boss. The DM, who is a dick, says he will allow Joffrey to polymorph the boss into a T-Rex just this once. Joffrey then lays an an amazingly elaborate plan that everyone else points out is actually pointless and gets them no advantage at all.

– It was noted that the veterans are equipped with longswords, shortswords and heavy crossbows.

– The veterans can get two longsword and one shortsword attack per turn which would give the DM around 54 attacks on the party in the first round “Let’s rock fuckers!”

– Joffrey wants to polymorph someone into a giant ape.

– Regulus (TCCIAD) then wants to use <sigh> ‘gorilla’ tactics.

They decided, sensibly, to attack the bad guys in smaller groups and thus vacated the inn managing to get Daphne out with them.

Planning

So everyone is outside again and at the south end of town where they first arrived. One group of six mercs is at a nearby house, another group is by a house at the far end of town.

As before in these situations we are going to first examine what the DM thinks is the blindingly obvious choice of how to proceed:

– Have all but one person hide nearby.

– Have a sucker volunteer lure one of the groups to the rest.

Now there are a variety of ways they could do the luring. If anyone had decent charisma they could go with the old “I have something to show you, it’s important!” routine and if successful that would get them a surprise round on the ambush. If it failed the sucker volunteer would arguably be a tad fucked though so maybe a good insult is the better choice to get them to chase you.

So what did the party plan?

– Regulus (TCCIAD) wants to wait until they are asleep and burn down the inn. It is considered a tad drastic and rejected.

– Regulus (TCCIAD) now wants to get the innkeeper to poison them all. However, the innkeeper is not a particularly brave fellow (curse that lack of persuasion skills eh?).

– Abelas wants to cut open the giant constrictor snake to get some venom. Regulus (TCCIAD) correctly points out that constrictor snakes aren’t known for being poisonous but is more than willing to test that theory on Joffrey.

– Abelas wants someone to sneak in and apply the poison. Celdar volunteers to use his new magic kukri to teleport inside the wine cellar. The DM was really looking forward to seeing how that turned out… especially as the inn does not have a wine cellar and no one bothered to ask.

– Adam wins the ‘Cheese of the Week’ trophy for suggesting that Celdar hands him the kukris, then he polymorphs Celdar into a giant ape and hands them back. I’m not even going to start on how many rules that particular bit of gorgonfuckingzola breaks <sigh>.

• Abelas> <slightly hysterical> What the fuck is wrong with you?
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> <contemptuously> Yes, because a giant ape really encapsulates the ‘stealth’ approach.

– Daphne suggests they pick off the two roving groups separately and then challenge the remainder to a showdown at high noon like real heroes would do. Regulus (TCCIAD) accuses Daphne of having the tactical acumen of a gimpy wizard.

– The gimpy wizard goes on for some time about just how offended he is by that comparison and then has a minor meltdown resulting in the suggestion of “Let’s just fucking charge!”.

– Everyone had a good laugh at Abelas’s regression to full Kroq mode.

• DM> <trying to get this shit back somewhere in the vicinity of on track> Daphne offers to help you out and is willing to try and lure one of the groups to you. Or one of you could save her from danger and offer to do it instead.
• Abelas> I could try and lure them, I walk quickly!
• Joffrey> <ever so slightly obsessed> Do you want to be a giant ape?
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> They like meat so I can summon a giant elk again. It worked well last time!
• DM> <laughing> Don’t! My blood pressure is going up just thinking about last time…
• <laughter>
• DM> You can summon TWO things, there are TWO giants…
• <more laughter>
• DM> You only summoned ONE! Why? WHYYYY?
• <This whole laughter tirade went on for a while>

Eventually:

• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Right, who is the most alluring?
• Joffrey> <still obsessed> I can turn any of you into a giant ape, just saying!
• <It takes a moment for the juxtaposition of ‘alluring’ and ‘giant ape’ to sink in>
• <Slightly hysterical laughter>
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Well, it would certainly get their attention!
• Celdar> Right, what’s the movement speed of a giant ape?
• <shocked silence>
• <more silence>
• DM> Why are you even considering…?
• <full-on hysterical laughter>
• DM> <barely able to speak> Don’t.. don’t… <deep breath> DO NOT… ENCOURAGE HIM!
• Abelas> <laughing> Just assume whatever he says is complete insanity!
• DM> In this campaign you can actually go to Womford! If you start listening to Adam’s plans, that is where you will end up.
• Adam> To be fair my plans always get us where we need to go eventually! And quicker than sitting around planning!

He actually has a point there…. But so did Thanos, Magneto and, arguably, Bane so…. no.

The DM, valiantly attempting once more to get this highly entertaining but very slow moving shit show back on track, points out that there is a small gulley about 150ft away that is ideal for an ambush. Abelas is volunteered as he runs really fast.

• DM> So all you have to do is be faster than them and can you do something or say something sufficiently provocative that will get them to chase you? That is all we are going to worry about right now.
• Joffrey> I have an idea that could sufficiently entice them!
• DM> <plaintively> Oh Jesus…
• <laughter>
• DM> Is it a goblin stripper?
• Regulus (TCCIAD)> Is it ‘hit them with your sling’?
• Abelas> Let’s all just go to the gulley, wait for the ambush and let Adam do whatever the fuck he wants to to do!
• Joffrey> Well… it does require a volunteer…
• <worried laughter>
• Abelas> You know what, just because it entertains me, go on then, what do you want to do?
• Joffrey> Right, you need to mount me…
• <everyone loses it>
• Joffrey> I’ll be a warhorse, we’ll ride into town, you’ll ask them where you can spend the 600-700 gold you have in this bag and then when they go “We really want that gold” we can ride to the gulley!
• DM thinking> That’s actually quite workable… lacks flair though… <has an idea>
• DM saying> I’m really going to regret this but.. Adam…
• Adam> Yes?
• DM> You have seen Fandango…
• <gasps>
• DM> You can transform into a black horse with a fiery mane.
• Adam> YES!
• Abelas> <laughing so hard he can barely speak> I so want to do it!

This, sadly, was not the end of the discussion but this write up is already pushing 7,000 words and there’s only so much of this I’m willing to commit to text. Suffice to say that having developed one of the most magnificent workable Adam plans ever, they talked themselves out of it <sigh>

Over 25 minutes of planning resulted in Joffrey going into giant owl form and flying high above the town (“because I want to see him die”) while Abelas approaches the first group of hardy mercenaries on foot and delivers the epitome of verbal tauntage that will convince them to pursue him to their graves:

“I bet you guys are so shit you couldn’t catch me!”

• <silence>
• <a really embarrassing silence>
• DM> <tiredly> That was the best insult you could come up with?
• <laughter>
• Abelas> I.. I.. I can’t think on the go all right?!

The DM had a bit of a think about the nature of Abelas’s magnificently crafted insult and decided he could make a Persuasion check, an Intimidation check and a Performance check. Abelas rolled a 19 on the Persuasion, good enough.

• DM> All 6 level their crossbows at you and fire.
• Abelas> Yay!
• DM> And we’ll come back to that next week.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Adam continue to be obsessed with big monkeys?
• – Will Abelas survive the crossbow volley?
• – Will the mercenaries require counselling to recover from Abelas’s biting abuse?
• – Will they summon up the nerve to go and see Old Gnawbone’s magnificent balls.
• – What horrific den of pedo-priest evilness awaits them at Shadowtop Cathedral?!

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

The DM drags up the film Valley of the Gwangi; cowboys vs dinosaurs so there is a precedent. He still won’t let Adam polymorph into a T-Rex though. He did promise to give Adam access to a T-Rex polymorph by the end of the campaign.

The epilogue still counts as the campaign though right?

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – That’s how it fucking feels!
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Yeah! Shoot your load!
• Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – I’ve had a coffee!
• Karl/Kraj as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – Now is my moment of glory!
• Mike as Regulus the Artificer – It’s like Zorro… but shit.

With:

Gary as the DM – STAB IT!!

Author’s Note:

The DM was having a bad week, not helped by the AstraZeneca jab fucking him up and was very tired, consequently this session was a bit shorter than normal.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They were on the way to Goldenfields when they were side tracked by an ‘Adventurers Wanted’ poster from Beliard and located the Hill Giant stronghold of Grudd Haug. Then they arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins.

Pre-session Guff

The disappointment of Talespire’s release was discussed. Due to the lack of minis and the inability to import any custom art, it looks like it will be a long time until we switch.

The DM confidently announces that he has fixed the music issue and that it was definitely an issue with Rythmbot but now we have Groovy and everything will be just fine!

The DM mentioned he wasn’t feeling well and was very tired. He also told the players it was up to them to cheer him up, so no pressure then.

Just as we were about to start Jake noticed Kraj was missing (nobody else did) and so the DM messaged him on Steam to subtly remind him what day it was (“It’s Thursday fucknuts!”)

• Mike> Can anyone else hear a podcast?
• DM> <sigh>
• Adam> <laughing> We’re meant to be entertaining Gary not annoying him further. It’s not an opportunity to finish him off!
• Jake> <laughing> Part of me was like “I need to join in with that” but part of me was like “No! He’s suffered enough!”
• Mike> Also the phrase “Finishing Gary off” isn’t the phrase you quite meant to use…
• DM> <sigh>

Some time later and the DM said we’d wait a few more minutes for Kraj before starting as that was only fair when we waited an hour and a half for Adam last week.

While absent-Kraj was being roundly abused, the DM told those that could be bothered to be on time to prep for level 7 as we’d hit that this session. Finally Kraj turned up and we could get started.

Owning it

Spoilers: due to the DM giving Regulus an innocuous item (the Eyes of Minute Seeing) earlier in the campaign, this fight went a lot smoother than it may have done if they failed a few investigation checks on the ballista. Consequently I wont cover blow by blow and will just hit the highlights… well, actually it’s more like the lowlights because let’s face it, those are a lot funnier.

We rejoin the battle with three siege ogres remaining and the horde of goblins about three turns from reaching the walls. The siege ogres fire three spike-helmed goblins and The DM asks the players to roll to see who gets hit. Kraj promptly rolls a 1 and along with Joffrey and Abelas, takes 7 damage. Nice start to the night Karl!

Karl was of course roundly mocked for this (mostly by the DM) but in his own words was “Owning it like a bitch!”

The DM rolls to set the investigation check for repairing the ballista… and rolls a 1 <sigh>. Nice start to the night DM!

We get an old Drikk-ism for that (Drikk’s first wife was a monk):

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Karma is like my first wife: a mean, grudge-bearing bitch who runs really, really fast and she will catch up to you and she will make you pay”

• Regulus> It’s loaded, should I shoot it?
• Joffrey> Yeah! Shoot your load!
• DM> <sigh>

Regulus successfully eliminates a siege ogre with Bertha:

• DM> I used to be a siege ogre like you till I took a ballista bolt…
• Regulus> … to the face!
• DM> Who is going next then? Technically it is Abelas.
• Abelas> Yeah, fuck it. I shall..
• DM> STAB IT!!
• Abelas> Um… I shall…
• DM> STAB IT!!
• Abelas> Er…I shall…
• DM> STAB IT!!
• Abelas> <sigh> … attempt to stab…
• DM> YES!!!!
• Abelas> … that goblin.
• <general cheers>
• Regulus> Sing that blade!

With a build up like that, nothing could possibly go wrong!

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

• Abelas> <rolls> Er… twelve?
• <disappointed groans>

These goblins have an AC of 14. It’s OK though, he has another attack!

• <Abelas rolls a 3>
• Abelas> <Expletive deleted>, <expletive deleted>, mother-<expletive deleted>ing, little <expletive deleted>er!
• DM> <sigh> So less stabby-stabby and more wafty-wafty?
• Abelas> We have resumed normal service!
• Regulus> It’s like Zorro… but shit.

Waft, what a great word:

WAFT:

Possibly influenced by northern dialect waff “cause to move to and fro” (1510s), a variant of  wave. Intransitive sense from 1560s. Related: Wafted; wafting.

Pass or cause to pass gently through the air.

“The smell of stale fat wafted out from the cafe”

This is why I will never be allowed to work on a dictionary; the “stale fat” part of that sentence would have been so much cooler and more descriptive with the small addition of an ‘a’ at the start and an ‘r’ at the end.

Wha cheethe ith thith bullsthith?!

It’s now Christina’s turn so obviously the conversation immediately turns to Jake’s haribo escapades, the fact that we will always think of the vegetarian Jake as vegan, the fact that Jake will always think of us as heathens and whether or not Joffrey got an inspiration last session.

• Joffrey> Did I get an inspiration last session?
• Abelas> <clearly with a mouthful of something> Wha cheethe ith thith bullsthith?!
• Regulus> <with utter disdain> What could YOU have possibly gotten an inspiration for?
• DM> <sigh> I’m just wondering how much longer you lot can prolong Christina’s turn for again?

The other heathens and the vegetarian then had the temerity to blame the DM’s monologuing for the delay! Outrageous!

Also, Joffrey did indeed get an inspiration last session for ‘attempted biblical epicness’ in trying to kill a giant using a sling at disadvantage.

For the record it was very hard to measure movement on the ramparts because the replacement map shifted those blocks up slightly for reasons only Tabletop Simulator knows, and the grid didn’t display on it. We all had issues with it but the following is still funny:

• Elvira> I think I’ve moved as far as I can.
• Regulus> These are five-foot squares you know…
• Elvira> <suspiciously> Are they?
• Regulus> I… <takes a deep breath> yes. I’m not going to be sarcastic. Look at me growing as a person!
• Elvira> I’ve moved three…
• Regulus> <gently> No… You’ve moved two…
• Elvira> Oh…
• Joffrey> Elvira’s like “Oh, I’m not as tired as I thought I was”
• Elvira> I’ve had a coffee!
• DM> I’m exactly as tired as I thought I was!
• Regulus> You can move to… there… and still fire.
• Elvira> OK
• <Elvira moves her mini but instead of lifting clear, it gets dragged across the ramparts much to everyone’s amusement>
• Elvira> <sigh> It was just normal coffee! <rolls attack> Twenty four?
• <much laughter>
• Celdar> Plus fucking ten?!
• <Elvira rolls her second attack and misses! She just needed a four but rolled a three!>
• Abelas> That’s how it fucking feels!

Panic-Snake Joffrey attempts to constrict a goblin, kills it with the initial hit but then decides to constrict it anyway “Squeezing it like a tube of toothpaste… staring the wizard in the eyes as I do it!”

Dude, eew!

Die Casual

More spike-helmed goblins were fired at the wall and the DM determined that one of them hit. The players need to roll off to see who was unlucky. Celdar has been hit every round since this fight started, will this be when he evades one?

• Abelas> <rolls a four> Oh fucking…
• Regulus> No, no, you’re alright, I rolled a three!
• DM> Kraj can beat that, he’s a magnet for these things.
• Celdar> I waited just to build up the tension…
• <Celdar rolls a 1>
• <Much laughter>
• DM> That’s another seven hit points, how’s your health looking there Celdar?
• Celdar> Er… four more than I need!
• And that started everyone laughing again.

Despite not really wanting to, Abelas stabbed a goblin in the face! Peer pressure is a wonderful force for good.

5HP-Celdar has a goblin up in his grill (which can deal 4 damage) but deftly stabs it to death with a rapier before it can attack him.

At least that’s what he imagined was going to happen but instead he rolled a 3 on his attack and, to a background of sympathetic laughter, decided to disen-fucking-gage and get the fuck out of dodge before he was 1HP-Celdar.

Regulus was playing Clay for Matt and rolled two 20’s in a row. Sorry Matt!

Elvira brings a Bertha bolt back along the wall and stops to delete a couple of random goblins from the approaching horde:

• <Elvira rolls a 10 giving her 20 To-Hit>
• Abelas> <sigh> Yep, death.
• <Elvira rolls an 18 giving her 28 To-Hit>
• Abelas> OK, that’s just excessive!
• DM> Halfway along the wall she just stabs the bolt into the ground, casually unlimbers the longbow, fires a couple of arrows without really looking, puts the longbow back on her shoulder, picks the bolt up and keeps walking while somewhere downrange a couple of goblins cease to exist.
• Abelas> Full Legolas.
• Elvira> And I do a hair flip!

The DM uses that opportunity to explain cloak billowing;

If you have a magic cloak equipped then, as a free action at the end of your turn, and if you have done something rather spectacular, you can choose to ‘billow’ your cape. As we progress through the campaign, everyone will acquire a magical cape. But be warned, billowing your cape unnecessarily will draw the wroth/wrath of the DM.

I’ve just looked it up and Wroth (adjective) and Wrath (noun) are actually different words and not just different spellings! Who knew?

Because fuck you Regulus!

• DM> Joffrey?
• Joffrey> I’m going to load up Bertha and I’m thinking about getting closer to the edge for when I can actually do something.
• Regulus> I can’t believe as a spell caster you’re not considering maybe dropping your wild shape so you could Call Lightning.
• Joffrey> I’m considering it…
• Regulus> Good.
• Joffrey> However there are things to consider…
• DM> “I’m also considering all the hit points I’ll lose”
• Joffrey> I’ll drop it when I’m ready to cast something but at the moment everything is out of range.
• Regulus> <disdainfully> Sorry, I thought you turned into a snake, not a pussy.
• <shocked laughter>

The DM awards Regulus a ‘shots fired!’ inspiration.

• Joffrey> I still have my action so… I could constrict Regulus couldn’t I?
• <more laughter>
• Joffrey> Fuck it, I’m going to drop Panic Snake because fuck you Regulus!
• DM> Constrict Bertha! You know you want to!
• Abelas> It turns out the one way to take down Panic Snake is to call him a pussy.
• DM> Human Joffrey reappears. You can’t tell which version smells worse.
• Regulus> Only one of them looks like a white supremacist though.
• Joffrey> Yeah, my hood’s right up now!
• DM> Yeah, but everyone is a white supremacist these days.
• Joffrey> With my sling, at disadvantage…
• <slightly hysterical laughter starts>
• Joffrey> I’m going to fuck up this guy because fuck you Regulus!

Joffrey rolls a 5 and an 11 and misses. He chooses to use his inspiration to re-roll the 5, gets a 17 and hits! Joffrey is ecstatic as some poor goblin out in the dark gets clobbered by a pebble he didn’t even see coming.

• Regulus> <laughing> Well done!
• Joffrey> <also laughing> Man, I just burned my wild shape for that!
• DM> Wild shape and an inspiration!
• Regulus> Totally worth it!

Fail Party

There’s one siege ogre remaining and that should die next turn so, theoretically, there’s only one incoming spiked goblin left.

• Regulus> I will feel guilty if this goblin hits Joffrey though.
• Joffrey> No you wont.

Fate → Tempted

The final goblin is flung at the wall from the last remaining siege ogre. 5HP-Celdar rolls a lowly 7. However, he still beats everyone except Regulus and remains with 4HP more than he needs.

Joffrey, having just dropped the wild shape that gives him an extra 60HP, rolls a magnificent 2 and does indeed get hit by the last goblin. It was difficult to tell if Regulus did feel guilty because of how much he was laughing.

To make matters worse, Regulus actually failed the investigation check:

• Regulus> Just checking my investigation…
• DM> Clay is squinting at it; “I think it’s broken”
• Regulus> I’m going to spend an inspiration and re-roll one of them..
• <Regulus rolls an even lower 5>
• DM> You actually fail to determine what’s wrong with it. So… Kraj?
• <Celdar also has a very high investigation ability… it’s actually about all he has>
• Regulus> Kraj!
• Celdar> Now is my moment of glory!
• DM> Yes!
• Regulus> Go on!
• DM> Do your worst!
• Regulus> <To Celdar> It’s fucked, it’s never going to work again!
• DM> “I thought it was the big bit because Clay told me so! But it wasn’t the big bit at all!”
• Celdar> Right… hold your breath!
• Regulus> This is it!
• Abelas> The moment we’ve all been waiting for!
• <Kraj rolls an 18>
• <Cheers ring out>
• DM> Oh, he’s only fucking nailed it!

Celdar duly repairs Bertha and launches the bolt downrange where it skewers the final siege ogre.

Jake and Mike discussed remaining spell slots, dual hand-crossbows and the rules, whether the style factor of using dual hand-crossbows was worth having to pick them up again afterwards and whether it was worth Abelas using Fireball or a level 3 Magic Missile. At this point the DM dropped a giant clock onto the battlefield.

• Regulus> I have a feeling a transformer is about to get involved in this!
• Abelas> Soundwave!
• Regulus> Yeah, it’s a Chinese knock-off version of Soundwave!
• DM> I just wanted to see how long you lot were going to keep talking and not let Elvira have a go.
• Jake> Oh… It’s happened again.

Great Balls of Fire

If the DM seems a little more lenient than normal going forwards it’s because this fight was actually already over. While there were still 34 goblins approaching, they had at least three turns before the bulk would get onto the battlements and the players had enough spellcasting resources left and ranged abilities to significantly thin them out before then.

Joffrey casts Sphere of Fire and has it ram into the middle goblin of a row of three, toasting him nicely. This leaves it sandwiched between the two other goblins.

• Joffrey> If they remain there at the end of their turn they also have to make the save but I’m sure they are not going to end their turn there.
• DM> Goblins turn. Those two pull out marshmallows and sticks and start toasting them in the Sphere of Fire. The rest advance…
• <A pack of six goblins advance right up to the sphere as well>
• DM> That was just for you Joffrey.

Five Dex saves are rolled and three survive, including the two ‘toasters’! Yay!

Some time back the DM promised the players a very bad dad joke was coming. Now was the time:

• DM> Thran runs over to some crates and starts rummaging around. He lets out a surprised grunt and says “It’s still here!” while holding up two jars filled with an evil looking dark liquid. “This was penetrating oil supplied by our armourer Holly. It’s nasty stuff and when it goes off it tends to catch fire when exposed to air so they should explode quite nicely when thrown. You could say they are…. Holly’s hand grenades of anti-lock!”
• <Unappreciative groans>

Holly’s Hand Grenade of Anti-Lock; Can be thrown up to 30ft as an action (40ft if sufficiently elevated). Explodes in a 5ft radius dealing 1d4 damage to anything caught in the blast.

Celdar’s lack of hit points and gender identity are mocked by a band of approaching goblins and to rub salt into the wound he rolled a 2 on his attack.

• Random Abusive Goblin> She missed! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
• Celdar> I’m just going to bonus-action Hide and hide my shame.

Muted Porn Hub

A combination of Sphere of Fire, Magic Missiles, very effective Arcane Archery, somewhat less effective Battlemaster archery, hard hitting but somewhat wayward Rogue archery and Holly’s hand grenades of anti-lock finished off the horde before any of them managed to reach the top of the wall.

Dubious ‘highlights’:

– Joffrey reveals he has actually run out of spell slots when prodded by Regulus to cast Call Lighting.

– Regulus to Abelas> <ever so slightly condescendingly> Wow, look at you being effective!

– Goblins to Abelas> HAAAHAHAHA! ONLY FOURTEEN?!

– DM> Kraj, your mum says “Hi”

– Celdar casts a Silent Image of a prostitutey looking goblin and has it do a ‘provocative’ dance.

– The DM struggles to find a mini of a ‘prostitutey looking goblin’ and Joffrey suggests they base it on a picture of Abelas’s mum.

– Celdar rolls low on the performance check but the DM rules that what an elf finds provocative is probably the opposite of what a goblin does and lets it succeed in mesmerising one pack of goblins who miss their turn.

– Abelas manages to hit the image with a Magic Missile and the enraptured goblins disbelieve and are free again. Celdar resists the temptation to summon another image in the form of a penis on Abelas’s forehead and instead drops his goblin stripper in front of another goblin pack, successfully distracting them.

Aftermath, Quests and Loot

Most importantly, all players are now level 7! Congratulations everyone.

Having managed to keep the NPCs alive through four large fights without a rest, a variety of follow-on quests were received. Those will be covered next week as we will inevitably have to go over them again anyway.

Everyone heads back to the inn where there’s a huge party with drinks on the house. Regulus regrets not being able to get drunk but Thran offers him a glass of Holly’s anti-lock which does the trick nicely.

The next morning Joffrey awakes in giant snake form wrapped around Miros, who is very cuddly.

Celdar is found hugging the toilet.

Elvira is found asleep in Zlifferlas’s branches.

Zi Liang turns up and, despite being a monk, still looks like she’s having a really bad hangover. The abbot wants to see everyone. On the way out Miros hands each of them one of the enamelled mugs as a gift.

The abbot (also looking a bit worse for wear) thanks the party profusely and rewards them with 200g each. He also produces a cloth-wrapped bundle explaining: “We had a rather gregarious visitor at the inn a few weeks back, fellow was riding a horse with a flaming mane if you can believe it. Drank three casks of ale, ate nearly two whole roasted hogs and seduced three of the bar staff at once. Young Stephen has been walking around with a smile on his face ever since, whereas Abigail could barely walk at all for three days. Anyway, I digress, he left in something of a hurry the next morning and threw this at Miros as payment on the way out. We haven’t been able to open it so I gift it to you… <he hands it to Celdar> you look the sneaky type, you might be able to get into it.”

The wrapping is a Cloak of Elvenkind; Uncommon item. Perception checks against you are made with disadvantage and you have advantage on your Stealth checks.

The box is about 2ft long by 1ft wide and 8inches deep. It is made of a beautiful mahogany and has etched into the top “The Devil and The Debt”. It clicks open as soon as Celdar attempts to lift the lid.

On the top layer in moulded black velvet are a matched set of kukri knives, one with a slightly greenish bade and one with a tinge of red. In the compartment beneath is a black leather sheath rig for the knives. They can be worn belted or as an underarm shoulder-holster.

Full details in post-session guff.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Elvira miss anywhere near as much as she missed this session?
• – Will the Bladesinger sing that blade some more?
• – What cool new spells will the casters choose with their level 7 slots?
• – What lethal dangers wonders await the party in the legendary city of Waterdeep?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

The Devil and The Debt – A matching set of magical blades that bear the ‘flaming stallion’ maker’s mark of the legendary smith Benjamin Ali Ismail Ibn Khalifa Said Bin Talal Hussein Al Quasimi and are thought to have been made as a gift to Drikk Fra-Kar on the occasion of his third divorce and to act as a reminder to the great man should he ever consider marriage again.

The Devil – A wickedly sharp looking kukri with a blood-red leather grip. The blade appears normal until in combat when it emits a very faint red smoke.

Awakened: Kukri +1 (counts as a rapier; 1d8 Psychic, Finesse)

May be Dual-Wielded with The Debt

This weapon deals Psychic damage.

While wielding The Devil, you can use it to cast the Dimension Door spell as an action. This property of the blade can’t be used again until the next dawn.

When you disappear, you leave behind a cloud of smoke, and you appear in a similar cloud of smoke at your destination. The smoke lightly obscures the space you left and the space you appear in, and it dissipates at the end of your next turn. A light or stronger wind disperses the smoke.

The Debt – A wickedly sharp looking kukri with a dark green leather grip. The blade appears normal until in combat when it emits a very faint green smoke.

Awakened: Kukri +1 (counts as a shortsword; 1d6 Acid, Finesse, Light)

Cannot be wielded unless The Devil is also wielded.

This weapon deals acid damage.

While The Debt is is on your person, you can use an action to speak its command word and regain one expended spell slot. If the expended slot was of 4th level or higher, the new slot is 3rd level. Once you use this ability it can’t be used again until the next dawn.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – Gary’s rolls are always safe because I don’t eat meat.
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Panic-Snake starts having a panic attack!
• Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – It’ll take him way too long to get there!
• Karl as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – I missed the fucking goblin alright?!
• Matt as Clay the Battle Master – I love the ranged combat!
• Mike as Regulus the Artificer – There’s only so many times I can mock Jake.

• With:
• Gary as the DM – I don’t think there’s a limit or anything…

Author’s Note:

Rythm Bot comes in for some flak this session but I have since found the problem. It’s a Spotify issue.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They were on the way to Goldenfields when they were side tracked by an ‘Adventurers Wanted’ poster from Beliard and located the Hill Giant stronghold of Grudd Haug. Then they arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins.

Pre-session Guff

Karl and Mike turned up on time, everyone else was late. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

We discussed finishing times:

• Mike> I think it’s OK to finish early. It can get quite intensive. There’s only so many times I can mock Jake.
• DM> I don’t think there is.
• <laughter>
• DM> I don’t think there’s a limit or anything…

This would, of course, have been a lot funnier if Jake had turned up on time and been present.

Matt, Christina and Jake turned up (eventually) with Jake blaming his lateness on cutting up pizza. The DM finds that excuse rather hard to criticise.

• Jake> …and I will never apologise for food! And also, Adam’s not here so…
• Mike> You’re not the latest.
• Jake> Yeah, I’ll take being slightly better than Adam.
• Mike> <laughing> Jake, you need to aim higher in life!
• Jake> I don’t think I do! You just stay at the bottom rung in the secure knowledge that Adam is worse!
• <laughter>
• Karl> Is the forfeit for being last on that you get the first rock to the face?
• DM> Ooh, there’s an idea.
• Jake> I already offended Gary this week by forgetting to ask him if he wanted to go to the canteen.
• DM> <scathingly> Yes, self canteen runs. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.
• Matt> At least you didn’t go to the canteen and buy all the bacon rolls.
• <Yes, and the legendary Seven Snakes bandit leader No’Baconne Beutay is still out there!>
• Jake> The thing is, Gary’s rolls are always safe because I don’t eat meat.
• <Jake laughs but otherwise there’s silence while everyone digests that particular line>
• <There’s a slightly more embarrassed silence while the double entendre sinks into Jake’s brain>
• Jake> I realise.. that.. that sentence… I should never say again!
• <laughter>
• Karl> I’m saying nothing!

<sigh>

I don’t really mind if you are late, the start is always a bit fluid and worst case we’ll just start without you. The DM won’t really let bad things happen to your character… er… that may not be strictly accurate but there shouldn’t be lasting damage. However, it’s funny to take the piss because of it so I’ll keep doing it.

We couldn’t find the Clay mini but the DM was relatively sure he had a copy of it. He was a lot more confident once he actually found it though.

Abbey Fight Round 1 – Celdar Runs Around to Abbey’s Backside

Two giants had just pitched up on the other side of the green. Roll initiative.

– Matt rolled a natural 20 for initiative!

– The DM managed to write down half character names and half player names on his initiative board for some reason which made the whole process a lot more complicated than it needed to be.

– Things being more complicated than they should have been quickly became the theme for the night.

– The two giants are walking across the green arguing about who is going to kill the most squishies.

• DM> Clay?
• Clay> I take up position protecting the rest of the party.
• Joffrey> The hero we need!
• <Matt moves the Clay mini forwards but it barely clears the playing surface and ends up being dragged up the side of a nearby building then down the other side and it scrapes along the ground into position>
• Regulus> If not the hero we want.
• DM> And certainly not the hero with his lift height set correctly… and yes Jake, these are ten-foot squares.
• Clay> Oh.. er.. in that case I’m actually still back here then…
• DM> <sigh>
• <Matt repeats the over-the-building-drag while everyone has a good laugh>

– Clay longbows a giant twice and missed twice, rolling a 5 and a 2, which set everyone off.

Clay> <sigh> Normal service has been resumed!

– Joffrey noted Abelas was already facing the wrong way. The Wizard replied, noting he had already spotted some nearby cover and he was damn well going to use it.

– Joffrey sadly declined to Tidal Wave the giants (even for the lols) and instead placed a Spike Growth and then changed his mind and cast Call Lightning instead because he just likes to make the DM measure things.

– Melee-Regulus shoots Lobb with his pistol and hits! The 9 damage from that one attack exceeded everything Mike accomplished for the entire last session (Matt is back now though).

– The Artificer then moves Giant Badger and Giant Badge forwards:

• DM> Lobb winks at Ogg and says “Look! Small badge each! I like small badge!”
• Mike> I do hope he’s saying ‘badge’
• <laughter>
• DM> <in an offended tone> Why? What did you think he was saying?! OH, MIND IN THE SEWER!

Look, it’s childish but its funny so that makes it OK.

– Abelas takes cover behind the corner of a building and preps a Firebolt.

Elvira asked which giant was most damaged. The DM pointed out that while it was Ogg, the hit points he had lost were not much compared to the maximum of a Hill Giant. This caused some nervousness but the DM reiterated the issues boss-type creatures face in the 5^th edition action economy; the players can put out a fuck-ton (imperial, not metric) of damage over the course of a single turn and small numbers of big creatures do not tend to fare well without legendary actions and resistances, none of which these giants have.

What they do have, however, are big rocks they can throw really far for rather a lot of damage.

– Mike rather inconveniently pointed out that the DM had forgotten the NPCs <sigh> so we had to sort that out. Zlifferlas declined to charge the giants “No, it’ll take him way too long to get there!” was Christina’s accurate reasoning.

– Elvira rolled a 4 and that still hit the AC13 Giant. Jake enquired how Matt felt about that; he sighed heavily. Ogg sported an arrow in each man-boob for a hefty chunk of damage.

• DM> Giant’s turn. That was Ogg wasn’t it? Who shot Lobb?
• Regulus> <somewhat reluctantly> That was me…
• DM> Yeah… Lobb picks up this bench… and throws it at you!
• <sympathetic laughter>
• Regulus> Can’t fault him for that.
• <The DM counts some squares and realises that Lobb is at disadvantage range>
• DM> Erm.. OK so he’s actually going to move forwards 40 feet and then throw it. It’s still too far but there is a bench heading your way.
• <Or is there?! Lobb had wandered over the line the DM put down for Abelas’s prepped attack>
• Abelas> I Firebolt!
• DM> … Yeah!
• Abelas> Yay!
• DM> I’ll retract the bench then to see if you do more damage than Regulus did.
• Abelas> Aaaw noooo…
• <Loud and distinctly unsympathetic laughter>

I think the actual D&D rules say you can decline to use the prepped attack but we have it as the DM’s discretion because for incidents like this it is much, much funnier than the ‘official’ rules, right? Right.

– Abelas rolls a 1 which results in a lot more laughter and Clay wearing a 2HP Firebolt to the back of the head.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “There are certain unwritten rules to combat Buttercup; friendly fire isn’t, suppressive fire won’t be and if it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.”

– Lobb’s bench attack is made at +8 To-Hit but is at disadvantage due to the range and it sadly missed the warforged artificer.

– Celdar attempts to cower take cover in Abbey’s backside and penetrates with a crit! Messy.

Abbey Fight Round 2 – Abbey Takes Flight

– Clay lands one longbow attack but misses the follow up. Strength fighters really love long range fights.

– Joffrey snake-jazzes forwards and drops more lightning on Ogg but he made the save and only takes half damage; “IT TICKLES!”

– Melee-Regulus lands another ranged hit! He’s on a roll now!

– Abelas creeps out from behind the barn and lands a Firebolt crit on Ogg for 26 damage.

– Ogg is looking a bit ropey, relatively speaking. Elvira shoots him again and after a bit of a mix up with a 6 and a 9 hit the giant for another 14 damage. Ogg sits down and starts crying.

• Mike> You bitch Christina!
• Abelas> How cruel!
• DM> Lobb moves over and smashes a chunk out of the fountain.
• Joffrey> Uh-oh…
• Abelas> Oh dear…
• Joffrey> Panic-Snake starts having a panic attack!

– It was ascertained that Regulus was the only one who hit Lobb and thus is on the receiving end of a boulder:

• DM> Who did that chunk of damage to Lobb?
• DM> Ok, in that case, at +8 To-Hit…
• <The DM rolls a natural 20. This is not good and this is really going to hurt>
• Regulus> It was me.
• <The DM invokes the name of a heathen deity>
• Abelas> RIP!
• DM> <genuinely> Sorry Mike…
• Regulus> That’s how the rolls go.
• Joffrey> It was a good few weeks you had!
• DM> <wincing slightly as he does the maths> That’s forty two bludgeoning damage.
• <Joffrey invokes the name of a heathen deity>
• Abelas> That’s ten more hit points than I have!
• Regulus> I’m still up!
• <Relieved and slightly hysterical laughter>

The DM does not tend to keep track of the players hit points as that can lead to some biased decision making so it was a relief to find out Regulus wasn’t already low on HP as that kind of hit could have killed him.

• Regulus> I wouldn’t mind if everyone started targeting this one now…
• Joffrey> Nah, we’ve nearly killed the other one.
• Abelas> Yeah, you’re tanking it fine!
• DM> Lobb attempts to inspire Ogg to keep fighting by shouting some abusive stuff at him and then attempts a performance check… with a Charisma of minus two… which still makes him more likeable than the rogue!
• <Lobb rolls another natural 20, much laughter ensues>
• DM> Ogg stops crying and stands back up again! “I SMASH PUNIES!”

– It was then determined that actually the gimpy wizard and the rogue were exactly as charismatic as the stupid, smelly, evil hill giant.

– Gunnery Chief Thran (a dex fighter) shortbows Ogg twice and kills him.

– Celdar, still cowering taking cover in Abbey’s backside decides to move. Due to some model overhang issues the DM has previously locked the Celdar mini in place and attempted to unlock it. Much to everyone else’s amusement, we got this:

• Adam> <inaudible gibberish>
• DM> Have you got your microphone under your chin again?
• Adam> <slightly louder> No, I’ve had to put my headphones in so I can move about the kitchen.
• <The DM starts layering boulders on top of Panic-Snake>
• Adam> I can still see my screen though!
• DM> <rapidly removing the boulders> Nothing to see here!
• Matt> Don’t you mean ‘screens’ Adam?
• <laughter>

– Celdar finally manages to emerge from Abbey’s backside and sneak attacks Lobb for 17 damage.

• DM> Okeedokee… that’s a big old chunk.
• Regulus> That’s very rude to Lobb!
• DM> It’s pretty accurate though!

Abbey Fight Round 3 – Badger Snacks

• DM> Top of the round… Clay.
• Clay> <sigh> Back to the longbow. I love the ranged combat!
• Regulus> Me too <sigh>. Gary, can we take it as read that I’m going to repec?
• DM> Do you need to rest to that?
• Regulus> Yes
• DM> <distinctly unsympathetically> That’s a shame.

– Clay hits Lobb twice! It wasn’t a lot of damage but Lobb was starting to look a lot like a pin cushion.

– Joffrey Called Lightning, Regulus did some emergency healing.

– Giant Badge does a bite attack that crits! He bites off Lobb’s big toe!

– The DM mocks the party for not bringing a cleric. The party mocks Chris for bringing a cleric but the running off to do another D&D campaign and to procreate. We don’t think we need to say any more bout that.

– The DM messed up the initiative yet again <sigh>

– Elvira critted on one of her attacks and, after managing to roll a d12 (and getting 12) instead of a d8, managed to roll an 8 on the d8.

• DM> That’s er.. 34 damage!
• Mike> See Matt, you should have played a Fighter!
• <laughter>
• Matt> BOOOO!

– Lobb is bereft of his greatclub having dropped it to climb the wall and so is ‘only’ punching at +8 for 12 damage instead of their usual 18 damage. So that’s a relief, right? Right.

– Lobb punches Giant Badge and hits him! Oh noes, is this looks like curtains for the oversized Mustelidae but he manages to survive on one hit point!

– Celdar snipes Lobb from a cheesy bonus-action-hide manoov.. maneouo… ‘move’ and kills the lumbering idiot.

As combat ends, Regulus drinks the biggest healing potion he can lay his hands on.

Thran explains that the remaining enemy forces are mustered outside the east wall but none of the other watch posts are aware of this yet. The party agree to head off to defend the wall while the NPCs head off to warn the rest of the stronghold.

First, we lost the map

Earlier that day the DM had spent rather a long time fine tuning this map but TTS decided it was not going to load it. Some days I really hate computers <sigh>.

Thankfully the base map was saved in the DM’s workshop and so a quick import got us up and running but it took about ten minutes to get all the necessary stuff back on it.

The players are on a section of the wall approximately 200ft long and 30ft wide with a lightly damaged ballista (Bertha) in the centre of it. Scattered around are several bolts for Bertha and a few supply boxes.

Outside the wall, 300ft away are 6 large Siege Ogres wearing strange contraptions mounted on their shoulders. Each siege ogre is surrounded by a small pool of goblins that appear to be wearing spiked helmets.

In front of the ogres is a small army of around forty goblins.

The access ladders to the wall are smashed and so the players have to use grappling hooks and ropes to get up there, except for Regulus who uses his utility belt to majestically ascend much like batman in the old 70’s TV series

Epic

Thran points out that the siege ogres are heavily armoured and normal weapons are unlikely to do much damage. Bertha, however, should kill one with a single shot.

Jake starts wibbling on about some Warhammer fantasy bollocks but the DM is not interested in Warhammer unless it has plasma cannons and chain swords in it. Mike is not interested in Warhammer unless it has ‘The’ Emperor in it and rightly calls Jake a heretic.

You turn away from the path of righteousness and you abandon the Emperor as the object of your devotion. For the first, death is merely a just retribution. The second is a heresy so terrible that no punishment can be sufficient. Yet the search for an appropriate penalty continues, and it shall be found.

Ecclesiarch Issus XLVII

The ogres let out mighty war cries and all fire the strange contraptions at once! Spike-helmed goblins are flung high into the night sky towards the wall. Roll initiative!

Initiative for this combat will be done a little differently. At the start of each round the ogres will fire. The players will act next in whatever order they deem fit but we rolled initiative to act as a rough guide. If there are any disagreements, initiative order prevails.

Finally the goblins will act. We are using minion rules on this fight so they have 1HP each and no bonuses or penalties to any stat. If they make a save for half damage they take no damage.

These goblin are the weakest of the tribe and they are being used purely as cannon fodder and have pretty shonky weapons and armour.

DM> Regulus, you can see Bertha is in bad shape but you think you can fudge a temporary repair. Although you also reckon you’ll need to fix it each time you fire it.

These are the steps to firing the ballista:

1. Loading – A bolt must be in place before it can be fired (duh). Bertha is already loaded at the start of combat.

2. Investigation – The damage to the firing mechanism must be ascertained with an investigation check. Anyone proficient in investigation can make the check or assist with the check. Multiple players can make the check in the same round. The difficulty of the check will be set by a D20 roll.

3. If Regulus, because he is the artificer, attempts to repair Bertha using his action and a set of smith’s tools, he will automatically succeed. Anyone else can attempt the repair it but they will need to make check against a fairly high difficulty.

4. Once repaired, Bertha can be fired with an object interaction at a target of choice as long as it is at least 50ft away downrange of the wall. It will automatically hit and kill whatever target was selected.

Loading – Bertha’s bolts are large, heavy spears. A character can pick up a bolt with an object interaction. Dropping the bolt into place does not use any action, it’s free. While holding a bolt, a character may make a melee weapon attack with it (1d12 piercing) at disadvantage unless they have a Strength of at least 12.

This fight requires a balance between clearing goblins off the wall and keeping Bertha firing. Get the balance wrong and the goblin numbers can start to pile up. The DM did however, forget that Regulus has the magic item Eyes of Minute Seeing which grant him advantage on investigation checks and that should prevent a couple of siege ogre rounds over the course of the fight.

Then, we lost the music

The book is pretty vague about most of the Goldenfields fights and even vaguier.. vaguer… ‘more vague’ when it comes to this one so the DM has spent more time than usual in setting this whole thing up, only to be partly buggered by TTS refusing to load the map.

Part of the setup was to choose suitable music. The DM wanted something tribal and war-drummy and thus listened to a lot of crappy music before finding the soundtrack to For Honor and bastardising the best bits of it into a suitable order. It was great. Prior to the session the DM queued up the playlist in Discord and paused it, all ready to go at the start of the siege combat.

Well, that was the plan. The first inkling that there may be issues was the fact that the playlist started randomly playing when Kraj joined Discord (so it’s probably all his fault) but when the siege started, so did the music. So far so good.

Six spike-helmed goblins fired by the siege ogres landed on the wall, 3 of them hit targets and the DM had everyone roll a straight D20 to see who was unlucky. Clay, Elvira and Regulus were struck for 7 damage each.

At this point Adam’s microphone started cutting out and then Rythm Bot, which plays the music in Discord, decided that after playing the correct first track in the playlist it would then go and play some random podcast <sigh>.

Siege Round 1 – The World Goes Mad

– Regulus fixed Bertha and lobbed a large bolt unerringly towards one of the siege ogres, killed it and went on to skewer two more goblins behind it.

– The DM’s description of the resulting ‘goblin kebab’ raised a much bigger laugh than he thought it warranted but I’ll take it.

– Celdar stabbed at a goblin and rolled 11 to hit against an AC12 enemy. Ooh, tough luck there mate.

– We had to reiterate the rogue advantage/sneak attack issue for Karl. That’s OK, we have gotten quite good at it now as we have all got it wrong so very many times before.

• Regulus> That doesn’t apply if you are an assassin, are you an assassin?
• Cledar> Nope.
• Regulus> <sounding as if Karl had disappointed him on a deep, personal level> Ah… then… then.. <sigh> forget that.
• Celdar> I’m just clutching at straws, I missed the fucking goblin alright?!
• Regulus> Just trying to help. First attack you could assassinate and get advantage but no, no you had to choose the wrong class. You should think about that the next time you roll your first character!

– Karl blamed his character deficiencies on ‘wanky rolls’ and to show just how wanky those rolls really were, the other players were actually genuinely sympathetic. I know, right?

– Karl took great delight in pointing out that the podcast had started playing again in Rythm Bot <sigh>

– Five minutes of fucking about with Rythm Bot failed to fix the issue. Adam attempted to get it working again while the DM attempted to get the combat session working again.

– Renewed podcast sounds were met with renewed mirth and we all had a minor hysterical breakdown at just how staggeringly uncooperative Discord, Rythm Bot and Spotify were being.

– Abelas, the non-blade swinging Bladesinger, stabs a goblin with his rapier! He hits it too! As it’s a minion… HE KILLED IT! HE KILLED IT WITH A BLADE! HE RUNS OVER AND STABS AND KILLS ANOTHER! THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD!!!!

– Clay attempts to throw a goblin off the wall, doesn’t quite make it on the first attack but successfully send the hapless creature tumbling to the battlefield below on the second attack where it expires.

– Elvira eradicates another goblin, Joffrey picks up a Bertha Bolt and moves it to the ballista.

The goblin army advances.

Siege Round 2 – Back to Normal… Kind Of

– Five spiked goblins land on the ramparts, Celdar takes a randomly assigned goblin to the face for 7 damage.

– The podcast still insists on playing.

– Panic-Snake drops the bolt into place and then attempts, and fails, to bite the face off a nearby goblin. This reminds the DM of the Last Great Act of Defiance cartoon:

– Things were getting complicated on the wall and the players spent some time coming up with a coherent, practical, workable plan. I know, right?!

• DM> <slightly muffled from a face full of Pringles> Abblashh?
• Abelas> I… will… level 1 Magic Missile…
• DM> OH YOU GOD-DAMN PANSY! STAB IT!
• <laughter>
• Abelas> No! I got away with it once…
• DM> You just started bladesinging for the first time EVER! You were SPECTACULARLY successful with it…
• <loud laughter>
• Regulus> Nice!
• DM> …and now you have pansied out!
• Abelas> <laughing> It is plus fucking four and I am NOT missing to a goblin!

<sigh> There are 40 goblins advancing on the wall. A level 1 Magic Missile will eliminate 7.5% of them, which is not too shabby and that percentage is only going to go up as the horde gets whittled down. Stabbing a goblin on the wall does not cost a spell slot.

– War Drums music starts playing. Yay!

– Clay grabs a Bertha bolt and runs it over to the siege engine… eventually. Matt was struggling to move the bolt drawing a comment from Mike of “You make the wizard look dextrous!” Ouch.

– The fucking podcast starts playing. Boo!

– On the way to Bertha, Clay uses the bolt to stab two goblins, both of which are now skewered on the end of it.

– Elvira casually eliminates two barely visible goblins half a mile down range and then moves over to a bolt at the end of the ramparts.

– Celdar starts his turn adjacent to both Bertha and a goblin:

• DM> Celdar? STAB HIM! Roll your eyes at that fucking ‘blade’ singer over there and show him how to use a rapier!
• Celdar> <sigh> Eyes rolled.
• <Celdar starts a dice roll>
• DM> Nothing can go wrong!
• <It immediately went wrong, obviously>
• <Celdar rolls a 4>
• <Laughter, particularly from Jake>
• DM> <sigh>
• Celdar> Right, I’m going to run past him to pick up a bolt, which is what I meant to do the whole time.
• DM> <Thinking “Hah! He forgot to disengage; attack of opportunity!”>
• Regulus> Bonus action disengage?
• DM> Ah.. you… Fuck you Mike!
• <laughter>

The goblin army advances.

Siege Round 3 – Effective Cheese

– Music is being played but it aint the music that should be being played <sigh>

– Four goblins are fired at the wall and Celdar fails the roll. He attempts some rogue cheese to try and avoid it but DM cheese is much stronger (“It’s a siege weapon, you armour doesn’t work against it”) and he gets hit for 7 damage.

– The bolt with the two goblins skewered on it is loaded onto Bertha.

– Regulus passes the investigation check with a mere 25 and uses Bertha to eliminate yet another siege ogre, we are down to three now. This shot results in a kebab of the two goblins already on it, the ogre and two unfortunate goblins standing behind it.

– Celdar attempts to stab a goblin in the face, he needs 14 and he rolls 14. Fucky lucker, but a kill is a kill (even if it is a cheap, lucky one).

– Celdar then runs along the wall, picks up a bolt, attempts to cheese a Misty Step back to Bertha with his bonus action and is challenged by the DM who tries really hard to come up with a reason not to do it but can’t <sigh>. This results in a rather efficacious turn by the rogue. He’ll learn.

– Abelas loads Bertha and then Firebolts a goblin but misses.

– Clay cuts a goblin in half but then rolls a 1 for his second attack. Vodka shot time!

– The players realise they’ll have one bolt left over but are rightly worried about the advancing army and ponder using Bertha against it. The DM suggests sending Abelas downrange, through the army, to collect the previously-shot bolts. This idea was greeted with enthusiasm by everyone but Abelas.

– Elvira eliminates a wall-goblin but takes two shots to do it much to everyone’s amazement.

– Joffrey gets another bolt to the ballista.

The goblin army advances (and spreads out).

End of session.

• DM> That is where we are going to end it.
• Mike> Good session Gary.
• DM> Yes, interesting for all the wrong reasons!
• Matt> MVP to the Rythm Bot!
• <laughter>

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Can the DM unbugger Rythm Bot?
• – Will the ‘blade’ singer do any actual bladesinging next week?
• – How are the players going to deal with the oncoming horde?
• – When are the players going to start dealing with the oncoming horde?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

The DM entered the !stop command in Rythm Bot. It stopped… And then it started again all by itself! IT’S POSSESSED!

The DM explained that when he tested this scenario earlier, he used normal goblins for the ones with spike helmets and this resulted in a total party wipe, hence the downgrade to minions and the addition of Thran to the team for a bit of added backup.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Introducing:
• Karl as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – I am however, a particularly investigative rogue!

• With:
• Gary as the DM – Oh ffs…

Author’s Note:

This is a two-session write-up as the first session was mostly covering the end of the Karl one-shot (that turned into a three-and-a-bit shot) and a review of the campaign so far since we have been away from it for three months since the DM decided not to run the game while he had the Covid using some pathetic excuse about not being able to get upstairs to the D&D computer for two months. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Karl/Kraj joins us for the first time in the main campaign and so this would be a good time to remind everyone that these reviews are only more-or-less, roughly, approximately what happened. Players actions (and often the DM’s!) will be exaggerated, misreported, and be taken entirely out of context because it’s funny.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They were on the way to Goldenfields when they were side tracked by an ‘Adventurers Wanted’ poster from Beliard and located the Hill Giant stronghold of Grudd Haug. Then they arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins.

Pre-session Guff

Jake joined just as the detective forgot what level we are in the campaign <sigh>

• Jake> Hello!
• <chorus of friendly greetings>
• Mike> What level are we in this campaign?
• DM> <sigh>
• Adam> Er… pretty sure YOU are level 1..
• Mike> <fake laugh> … … still pretty sure I’d beat Jake’s character..
• <shocked and outraged sounds>
• DM> <laughing> That didn’t take long to get going did it?
• Jake> <invoking a heathen deity> I barely said anything yet!

Yes, welcome back everyone, it’s good to be going again 🙂

Adam found the secret Wizard on D&D Beyond. This understandably derailed everything for a few minutes.

We finally got going with the DM forgetting even the name of the adventure but blamed his entire lack of prep on Karl who whinged at consulted with the DM about character creation for an hour before the game started.

Interrogation

We ended the last session three months ago with the capture of a bugbear who was knocked out and manacled at the end of the fight outside the inn. We rejoin our party of brave, if somewhat dysfunctional, adventurers as we begin the interrogation… kind of.

Just as we got going again, we had to stop everything while Jake imported the 3D model of his mini. He was subjected to a fairly wide array of abuse for this, obviously. Once it was revealed that Jake paid £8 for the model, it was generally agreed that getting Abelas killed was now a priority for everyone.

As this barrage of abuse eased down Joffrey noticed the cat mini lurking by the inn. The DM has seeded a number of domesticated animals about the map for flavour.

• Joffrey> What the fuck is this cat?
• Abelas> It’s just a cat.
• Joffrey> I don’t trust it!
• Abelas> Is that because it isn’t showing you its dick?
• <Surprised guffaw from Karl>

At the time the DM was busy setting up the table so he missed this one and now has to explain the whole ‘Adam massaging Marty’s dick’ thing to Karl at some point as he probably has no idea wtf that meant. That’s going to be a fun conversation <sigh>

• DM> Kraj, what’s your character name?
• Karl> Celdar.
• Jake and Adam (at exactly the same time)> ZELDA?!
• DM> Oh ffs…

Miros vanishes inside the inn and reappears with a shady looking character in tow “This is master Celdar, he’s been staying here for a few days and may be of use to us”.

Celdar is an elven rogue. He managed to roll seriously badly for his stats so he’s a bit fucked, particularly in Charisma and Strength.

Celdar> I am however, a particularly investigative rogue!

Oh Karl mate, you will learn that making statements like that are rather ill advised as you will discover every single time you fail an investigation check for the rest of this campaign.

• DM> You are now the proud owners of an unconscious, manacled bugbear. Elvira, would you like to shoot the prisoner?
• Elvira> <Eagerly> Yeah!
• <groans and objections>
• Elvira> <Disappointedly> No 🙁
• Joffrey> Why did we capture him again?
• Abelas> I don’t know..
• Joffrey> Was it because we bought manacles and felt we had to use them?
• Abelas> Most likely!
• Regulus> That does sound like us, to be fair.
• DM> <With a deep sigh and ever so slightly sarcastically> Because just maybe it might be useful to find out why bugbears and goblins and ogres are inside Goldenfields at night?
• Regulus> Yes, but that doesn’t sound like something WE would ask, does it?!

He has a point <sigh>

I’m not going to go into the sordid details of the interrogation because I don’t have the fortitude to commit that to text. Highlights:

• – Abelas/Jake once again failed to understand how Wizard spells work.
• – The bugbear wants a deal because “we’re all professionals here”. He has no idea.
• – Threats were made, they were ineffective
• – Karl attempted to get the interrogation on track by actually asking a non-stupid question (don’t worry dear reader, both Mike and Sophie started out like that, it won’t last).
• – Abelas/Jake attempts to cast a spell without actually having it in his spellbook.
• – Having discovered they had no magical means to detect lies, the DM dropped an amazingly subtle hint about the other way of detecting if someone is telling porkies.
• – Regulus makes a spectacularly crap attempt at an insight check <sigh>

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Generally speaking Buttercup, you should go into an interrogation with some idea of what information you want out of it. If you are a low-down sneaky dishonest type, you could try deception but typically you’ll want to rely on either the carrot or the stick. The carrot is usually more effective if you are sincere about it as the victim needs to think they have something to gain. The stick is a lot more effective if you heat it up first… and possibly wrap it in barbed wire”

Eventually a deal was struck and the bugbear related the following tale of two giants.

The Misadventures of Lob and Ogg

Guh, the self-styled chief of the hill giants, has driven off her female rivals and conquered their husbands. Now, she tasks her mates with collecting food for her voracious appetite. Two of these big dummies, Lob and Ogg, wandered the hills and valleys south of Grudd Haug, the den of Guh’s tribe. They eventually blundered into the Forlorn Hills and, a few weeks ago, stumbled upon a gang of bugbears and goblins.

The goblinoids told Lob and Ogg about a large farm on the far side of the Dessarin River. It occurred to the hill giants that they should attack it. So, the giants waded across the river and hurled rocks at Goldenfields, pounding its outer wall and alarming its residents. Archers on the wall retaliated with a barrage of arrows. The giants and goblinoids withdrew to nurse their wounds.

Lob and Ogg spent the next month lost in the hills, trying to find their way back to Grudd Haug. When they got there, they told Guh about the “big farm.” Guh dispatched a horde of hill giants, ogres, bugbears, and goblins to pillage it.

With Lob and Ogg leading the way, the horde got lost in the hills and blundered into a copper dragon’s territory. Many giants, ogres, bugbears, and goblins died that day. The survivors fled, only to stumble into an Uthgardt barbarian ambush. At that point, it became clear to those who remained alive that Lob and Ogg were poor guides and detrimental to the success of the mission. The bugbears took over from there, leading the remnants of the horde to Goldenfields, with Lob and Ogg bringing up the rear and blaming one another for their misadventures.

Having eventually arrived at Goldenfields with a much reduced force, all of the bugbears, about half of the ogres and about a third of the goblins climbed over the walls* at night to raid the food supplies.

*BIG FUCKING CLUE!!! Pay attention to it!

There were three bands;

• – The Eye Stabbers who attacked the inn after being spotted.
• – The Moon Biters who were supposed to go after the livestock.
• – The Hill Howlers who were supposed to guard the way back but appeared to get lost in the wheat fields as they were supposed to head east but were last seen going west.

• Regulus> I assume the giants remained outside?
• DM> Yes, this was a supposed to be a stealth raid and giants climbing the walls would not be stealthy. There is still a large force of ogres and goblins still outside the walls on the east side** and there were three bands of raiders inside, now there are only two.
• Regulus> Can he show us exactly where they got in?
• DM> He describes the section of wall <middle of the east side>
• Regulus> What I’m thinking guys, is we let him go and he shows us where they got in?
• DM> As you start to discuss this a breathless acolyte comes running down the road shouting that the animal pens are under attack.
• Bugbear> Yeah, that’ll be the Moon Biters, they’re a right bunch of dicks. You can kill them!
• Regulus> I find most people with an interest in moons are!
• <admirational laughter***>
• Abelas> Fucking hell!
• DM> Shots fired!
• Joffrey> Selune will have her vengeance!

Thankfully it was then decided to go to the animal pens and take care of the Moon Biters.

**STILL A REALLY BIG FUCKING CLUE!!! Still pay attention to it!

***Admirational is not a word apparently, but it damn well should be and I can’t be arsed to change it to ‘admiring’ which is clearly grammatically, informationally and stylistically inferior and has a lot less letters ‘n stuff!

The Animal Pens

While the DM was setting up, Jake and Mike had a proper nerdy discussion about Warhammer to which the DM had to point out The Two Truths of Warhammer: A) If it aint got plasma cannons, it aint proper Warhammer, B) Swords, even magical ones, are significantly inferior to chain swords! Word.

Anyway, night time fight, black as fuck, darkvision typically only goes 60ft so they follow the sounds until they are relatively close to the animal pens:

This raiding party was the same makeup as the first; two ogres, four bugbears, ten goblins. The two ogres are standing guard outside the pen. The bugbears and the goblins are trying to capture a variety of panicked animals in the dark. That’s going about as well as you would expect. Roll initiative!

The initiative for this was hideously complicated took forever to set up and then Table Top Simulator booted everyone out and we had to do it all again. Yay.

As everyone logged back in again and the DM set the board up, again, the discussion turned to Valheim (it’s a PC game). I can’t replicate the comedic timing of the following in text but I need to try:

• Mike> If you don’t like grinding, it’s not a game… well it’s more collecting than grinding.
• Jake> You definitely need to specify that because I bet Adam got interested for a second there.
• Adam> <really quietly> I do enjoy a bit of grinder!
• DM> Have you got your microphone on top of your head again?
• Adam> <really quietly> Me?
• DM> Yeah.
• <slight pause>
• Adam> <normal volume> No…
• <much laughter>
• Adam> To be fair it was under my chin!

<sigh>

Combat Round 1

• – Abelas Lightning Bolts the ogres who have to make a DC 14 Dex save because he is, and I quote the man himself, “a mighty, mighty Wizaaard!”
• – The DM rolled a pair of D4s for the save by mistake. Mike made a snarky comment about how they would probably still pass it.
• – Joffrey, in his own words, drops a big-ass thunder… cloud.
• – Some efforts were made to spare the cattle in the pen. Celdar: “No animals were harmed in the casting of this spell”. While this is true it was way more by accident than by design.
• – Celdar casts an illusionary box in front of him and then takes cover behind it. Abelas wonders “What the fuck is this cheese?!”
• – The DM had to fight all of his instincts and ruled Celdar was actually hidden because of the night-time conditions and the range from the goblins. I feel vaguely dirty now.
• – Elvira fires a Grasping Arrow at an ogre and hits for quite a lot and entangles it.
• – Lifferlas advanced with alacrity… relatively speaking. Christina> Yeah, fuck it, CHARGE! Jake heartily agreed.
• – Mike dropped a cow related dad-joke and Karl suggested we ‘mooove on’ <sigh>
• – An ogre struck Lifferlas with it’s great-club, basically hitting a tree with a tree.
• – Regulus turned out to have brought a melee spec to a ranged fight (again).
• – The DM forgot the ‘grasping dib-dobs’ Elvira cast on the ogre and had to go back and add it. Finger ↔ Pulse.

Combat Round 2

– Abelas drops a Shatter, which Mike confirmed was only a DC14 save, on several goblins but only did 5 damage. It also damaged a section of the fence.

• Abelas> And then I run away!
• Joffrey> No one saw that coming!
• Abelas> Look, my entire thing is running away so fuckyoo!

• – Miros bear-hugs an ogre… well more like an ogre leg.
• – Cledar longbows and kills one of the ogres. It’s fairly short range so the shaft goes right through the ogre and end up stuck in Lifferlas, who was distinctly unimpressed.
• – Elvira missed both her shots (I know, right?!).
• – Lifferlas also missed his first attack but his second hit and absolutely demolished the last ogre. A bugbear and two goblins, seeing the ogre get squashed by the giant tree, turned around and legged it.
• – Regulus once again lamented bringing a knife to a gun fight… well a lightning fist to an archery party I suppose, and pokeballed out a giant badger that was subsequently named ‘Giant Badge’ thanks to Joffrey.

End of session 1!

Start of session 2!

Pre-Session Guff 2

The DM discovered the medieval version of the Mandalorian theme and stuck it on loop. That’s that stuck in everyone’s head for the rest of the night then.

Adam decided he was simply too busy to turn up to D&D on time. I don’t think I need to say any more about that,

The DM’s return to work was discussed and somehow this led to the discussion of cellulitis and it seems some people had not seen the pictures of the DM’s leg rotting off several years ago. That was swiftly rectified, much to everyone’s disgust.

Those pictures have now been deleted from the Rythm Bot channel so it’s safe for Jake to visit again.

Christina couldn’t make it because apparently having to deal with bad people early in the morning is more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that. The DM will be playing Elvira tonight as the players each have an NPC to control already.

Matt couldn’t make it because his dog ate his Internet. I don’t think I need to say any more about that either.

Animal Pens: Combat Round 3

• – One of the bugbears has a pink circle around it. Only the DM can put pink circles around things and yet the DM has no idea why this particular bugbear is so obviously pinkly encircled. A week can be a long time and none of the players were much use either <sigh>.
• – The DM took one for the team and offered to play the druid until Adam could be bothered to turn up.
• – There are a bunch of clustered goblins in the pen, a pair of bugbears just south of the pen and a trio of two goblins and a bugbear fleeing north of the pen.
• – Abelas used a Shatter on the goblins that had clustered at the southern end of the cattle pen and also catches one of the nearby bugbears.
• -Unfortunately, we then had this:

• Abelas> On that square right there.
• DM> Shatter is a ten foot radius?
• Abelas> Yes, it’s a ten foot radius… er… wait, are they ten foot squares?
• DM> … <sigh>
• <mocking laughter>
• <The DM eyes up the map with a weary eye, noting the numerous squares with multiple creatures in them, then resignedly and remarkably calmly replies>
• DM> Yes.. yes, they are indeed ten foot squares.
• Abelas> SORRY!

• – Shatter is a Con save and the DM pointed out out bugbears are remarkably ‘constrous’… plus seven I believe.
• – We then had to explain the origin of that to Karl and it wasn’t as funny as it could have been because Adam wasn’t there to be abused over it.
• – DM-Joffrey drops a Call Lightning on the fleeing trio and kills both goblins. The bugbear wasn’t looking too healthy either.
• – There was a Lifferlas/Zifferlas incident due to an unfortunate mini misnaming.
• – Celdar sneak attacks the fleeing bugbear and, in technical combat archery parlance, longbows the living shit out it for 18 damage. It had one hit point left, lolz.
• – Celdar dashes forwards to ensure he’s still in range of the fleeing bugbear next turn. An offensive dash was unknown to the other players and there was much amazement.
• – Mike took over playing Zlifferlas whom the DM pointed out spent his days entertaining kids.

• Mike/Zlifferlas> So he’s going to go there and he’s going to say “Jangle, jangle, now then, then”
• DM> <deep sigh>
• Mike/Zlifferlas> On the basis a goblin is the same size as a child, does he not get a bonus to attack…?

• – Regulus asked Celdar if he wanted him to take out the fleeing bugbear. Celdar, apparently having missed the entire Call Lightning episode, wondered where the two goblins went that were next to him <sigh>.
• – The DM had a minor finger ↔ pulse meltdown and stated that Karl is as bad as Adam. The DM would like to offer a heartfelt apology to Karl for that one, it may have been said in the heat of the moment but some lines just shouldn’t be crossed.
• – Melee Regulus tried to hit something at range and managed to miss it by rather a lot.
• – Adam arrived and Table Top Simulator crashed and kicked everyone out… COINCIDENCE?!?!?! I think not!

• Adam> Sorry about being late guys.
• Mike> No you’re not.
• DM> Yeah, if you were really sorry, you’d have been here.
• Adam> Oh Gary… WHY DID YOU POST YOUR LEG?!?!

• – Giant Badge advanced but failed to actually do anything.
• – The DM raged again as Adam crashing TTS meant he had to fill in the initiative board once more.
• – Mike started interrogating the DM about Oren’s level (Oren doesn’t have a level) because he gets more damage from Vicious Mockery at level 5. This is what happens when you are nice to players and give them extra things; more work!
• – Oren hits with Vicious Mockery and the bugbear target has disadvantage on its next attack.
• – So now, rather a long time after the original question was asked, the DM finally realises what the pink encirclement meant. Better late than never though… right Adam?
• – Elvira/DM makes a longbow attack on the fleeing bugbear and rolls a seven:

• DM> So that’s… er..
• Mike> It’ll still hit.
• DM> Yeah, she gets… plus ten…
• Karl> PLUS TEN?!

Welcome to the world of Arcane Archers Kwaj! Elvira had +8 To hit at level 1.

• – The alive and fleeing bugbear is now a deceased and non-fleeing bugbear.
• – Three bugbears gang up on Panic Snake and one landed a hit.
• – Abelas still doesn’t understand what the pink circle meant and exchanges casual insults with Adam about it: “So FUCKYOOOO!”
• – Four goblins shortbow Regulus who turns out to have not only brought a knife to a gunfight but also decided to bring 22 AC <sigh>. He still needed a Shield spell to avoid all the hits.

Animal Pens: Combat Round 3

– Abelas declines to undertake the DM’s suggestion of “Bladesong –> Rapier–> Charge” and Magic Missiles three goblins; Snokk, Snokkeroo and Blik:

• <Abelas rolls 2, 2 & 4 and then +1 gets added to each>
• DM> Right, assign three damage to something.
• Abelas> I’m sorry?
• DM> Assign three damage to something.
• Abelas> Oh, I though you said “sign three damage to something…”
• <The momentarily confused DM pictures the gimpy wizard giving the goblins the finger with one hand and a ‘v’ sign with the other>
• Abelas> I want three to go on Snokk, three to go on Snokkeroo and I really want Blik to die!
• DM> Well Snokk was on 4…
• Abelas> Shit!
• DM> Snokkeroo was on 4… They have seven hit points…
• Joffrey> You chose… poorly.
• <general abuse starts and the DM reluctantly has to intervene>
• DM> No.. no.. NO! Rewind people! They were on MINUS four hit points of seven total.
• Joffrey> Ah, you chose… wisely!
• Regulus> You chose luckily!
• DM> Snokk and Snokkeroo are killed, Blik was previously untouched so he survives… he’s a bit fucked though!

– Joffrey drops Call Lightning on two bugbears prompting bad misquotes of the first X-men film. You know the one, it was about a toad.

– Past Gary requested future Gary reproduce what happened next. For the record, Joffrey rolled 14 damage, bugbears have 27 hit points and bugbear number three had lost eight of that total. So 27 minus 8 minus 14. Shouldn’t be hard to work out, right? Right.

• Joffrey> So fourteen damage.
• <Clearly, the DM forgets this as soon as Adam said it>
• DM> So one was on minus eighteen so… twenty.. thirty.. that’s gone and number three was on eight.. so how much was it? Sorry, it’s been a long week.
• Joffrey> Twenty four.
• <Adam has somehow managed to add a random +10 to the damage roll!>
• DM> Twenty four?
• Joffrey> Was it? Hang on!
• Regulus> <laughing> No. It was…
• Joffrey> Twelve plus, no, fourteen! Fourteen damage.
• Regulus> Which means he’s dead because he had twenty two hit points
• <I’m blaming this and Mike for everything. Where the fuck did 22HP come from? He had taken a total of 22 damage (8 + 14)>
• DM> No… three was barely touched so..
• Regulus> Ah, right…
• <The DM has a Maths is Hard moment>
• DM> Twenty four… No! For fuck sake! It’s Twenty two! <laughing> AAARGH!
• Regulus> <also laughing> He’s dead! I think he’s dead, he was on minus eight wasn’t he?
• DM> No… yeah, no.. yeah.. no! He’s <deep breath> he’s taken fourteen so NOW he’s on minus twenty two!
• Regulus> Right… I thought he only had twenty two hit points?
• DM> No, they have twenty seven hit points!
• Regulus> Oooh!
• Joffrey> <laughing> So he took twenty four damage and died, yeah?
• Regulus> Yep… the shock of it…
• Joffrey> He had his Faraday pants on!
• DM> Future Gary, reproduce that entire combat round <sigh>

Look, some days you’re the solid, steadfast steps to Air Force One and some days you’re the sad senile fuckwit falling up them in front of the entire world.

• – Miros does a leaping attack from the fence for double damage and poor Blik does not survive the onslaught.
• – Celdar shoots at and misses a goblin. The arrow hits the fence post next to it. Celdar “I try and make it look like I meant it”. The DM calls for a performance check. The somewhat surprised rogue has -2 to performance, it did not go well.
• – Zlifferlas storms through some scenery and flattens the last goblin with 14 damage to something that only started with 7 hit points.
• – The DM clears all the lines and asks if anyone wants to do anything before we move on.
• – Adam inconveniently points out there’s still a bugbear on the table <sigh>
• – Jake’s TTS crashed and he left the session. He informs everyone he will reboot and reconnect soon. The DM enables drawing for everyone but everyone else crashed and the DM himself had to draw the obligatory giant penis graffiti with an arrow pointing to the wizard.

Once everyone got back in, the last bugbear died and combat ended.

Poor Abbey, What’s She Done?

That dire excuse for a chapter title was from Adam in response to a breathless acolyte running up the road shouting that the abbey is under attack.

Arriving at the abbey, the party found the last group of raiders trying to get through the reinforced front door.

Abelas made everyone crash from TTS again <sigh>

• DM> Everyone back in? The last raiding party is in front of you with two ogres attempting to bash in the door.
• Celdar> Someone’s bashing on Abbey’s back door?!
• <groans>
• DM> <deep sigh> Roll initiative!

Jake rolls a 2, mike rolls a 3, Karl rolls a 4 and Adam rolled a 10.

The rather smug DM rolled for the raiders. He got a 8, 5 and another 8 <sigh>

The raiders and the abbey door are about 120feet from the party so shortbows and thrown stuff will be at disadvantage. We don’t usually get to do many long range fights and tactics need to be adjusted.

• – Unsurprisingly, Elvira went first and shot the ogre by the door twice for 21 damage total.
• – Joffrey first dropped Panic Snake form and then dropped a Spike Growth that covered everything except the two ogres and a wayward pair of goblins.
• – One goblin ran out of the spikes, took 5 damage, squealed and shot Joffrey with a shortbow. The druid’s protestation of “Whyyy? I didn’t do anything!” failed to alter the DM’s mind but the goblin missed anyway.
• – Another goblin runs out and also nearly dies doing so. “I really love this spell, someone should have told me about it earlier” said Adam as the DM fought the urge to start dropping random boulders onto anyone wearing white robes.
• – One more goblin ran out of the spikes… or at least tried to, it didn’t make it. Two more goblins shot at Joffrey with disadvantage and one hit! Sadly the cheese druid made the Con save. The remaining goblins fired at the druid without moving first, another one hit but still failed to break Joffrey’s concentration.
• – The four bugbears all moved and all took hefty chunks of damage from the spikes.
• – Celdar, with his cheesed longbow proficiency, fired at the ogre by the door without disadvantage and still missed the large, slow moving, low-armour class target.
• – The DM once again gritted his teeth and reluctantly informed the rogue that it was dim light and so he could take the hide action. I know, I know, just listening back to it was vaguely nauseating 🙁
• – Regulus, who still brought a knife to a gunfight, moved forward a bit, summoned another giant badge and had his pair of giant badges also advance a bit. The mostly dull turn was brightened up when Adam admonished his cat while pressing his push-to-talk button “No Marty! Nooooooo!”

– The DM spend ages measuring out where to put the overlay for Abelas’s impending Fireball on the map. It caused much merriment all round when it came out like this <sigh>

• <laughter>
• DM> Oh ffs!
• Abelas> That’s never going to translate into text.
• <eventually the DM gets it right>
• Abelas> Right, this is the important bit! This is where they make DC14 Dex saves.
• Regulus> Only DC14?
• Abelas> I will.. er.. <sigh>

– The gimpy wizard rolled 30 damage which even halved would be over double the goblin hit points so they all got incinerated. One bugbear died, the other got roasted but survived, both ogres failed the save but they survived, although ogre1 was more fucked than a sideways container ship in the Suez.

– Ogre1 ran away around the side of the abbey, ogre2 moves to the door and knocks a large chuck out of it. The door is failing fast.

Abbey Combat Round 2

• Abelas> We ideally want to kill that ogre at the door.
• Regulus> Yes, yes we do.
• DM> Top of the round, ding, ding. Elvira is going to shoot that ogre. She’ll do it twice regardless <rolls two attacks>
• Regulus> I don’t suppose she has any special attacks left has she?
• DM> She has but I’m not going to use them because I know what’s coming up later.
• <nervous laughter>
• Regulus> Fair enough!
• DM> The lowest of those was 17 To-Hit because Arcane Archers, and that’s a total of… 23 damage.
• Celdar> Fuck…
• DM> Arcane Archers, love’em! <surprised> Erm… that ogre is fucked! <that’s a highly technical DM term for ‘almost but not quite dead’>. Er.. oh yeah, he took a Fireball.

Finger <–> pulse DM <sigh>

• DM> Joffrey?
• Joffrey> I’m not sure what I can do without wasting spells but as that’s what I do normally, I’m going to run forwards and drop a Tidal Wave….
• Mike> Is that the one that drops stones?
• <silence>
• <the silence of people thinking>
• <laughter from the DM and Jake, who finally got it>

Ok, that one needs some explaining; in a previous episode Joffrey cast a Tidal Wave at a pair of Fire Giants and one of them had a prepped attack and flattened the druid with a rock:

– The Tidal Wave hit two goblins and two bugbears and did not summon a rock from the heavens nor anywhere else.

– The bugbears pick themselves up and look for the source of their pain and wetness:

• DM> This one gets up, advances, and is going to javelin… Joffrey. It is at disadvantage but they are just really angry now.
• Joffrey> Am I the party tank?!
• DM> Well, you did Spike Growth and Tidal Wave them…
• Joffrey> Oh yeah, I definitely deserve it..
• DM> Elvira shot the ogre, Abelas did the Fireball but most of those died…
• Celdar> <mournfully> I’ve done fuck all…
• <laughter>
• Joffrey> That’s normally what I do!
• Regulus> Think about what my poor badgers have done! I’ve basically just taken my badgers for a walk!
• <sympathetic laughter, we’ve all been there.. except for Matt, Matt lives there>
• DM> So has Zlifferlas, except he’s just walked more slowly. <Caringly, utterly insincerely and really condescendingly> The important thing Kraj, is that you shot at something. You participated and that’s what really matters! Talk to Adam who has gone entire sessions without accomplishing anything or poor Matt who went a month without rolling higher than a 4..

• – The next bugbear also threw a javelin at the druid with disadvantage and the DM rolled an 18 and a 20, get in!
• – Celdar once again shoots at the large, slow, lowly armoured ogre by the door and this time actually managed to hit it it for an impressive 22 damage. It only had 6HP left before the attack so that was deader than the chances of anyone being able to either pronounce or spell Chris’s daughter’s name.
• – Melee Regulus range attacks a nearly dead bugbear and misses (again).
• – Abelas throws a Magic Missile at nearly dead ogre1, he needed 8 damage. He rolled 7 damage much to everyone’s amusement.
• – The DM awarded Joffrey an inspiration for ‘attempted epicness’ when he tried to kill the last ogre with a sling… from 120feet away… in the dark.

– The remaining enemies, except for one goblin, were eradicated by bow fire from Elvira and Celdar. The last goblin eventually perished but only after Regulus missed (again) with another ranged attack, Orin missed with a thrown dagger and Abelas failed to hit it with a Toll the Dead. “Can we keep this one as a pet?” asked Adam wistfully.

Hail to the Chief

The Abbot opens what is left of the abbey door and is profoundly grateful. The abbey bell starts pealing out an alarm which is quickly picked up and repeated from the guard posts on the wall.

Three unarmed soldiers slowly make their way across the green to the abbey. One of them is a fairly grizzled veteran and he is propping up an injured much younger looking soldier. The third soldier, also young, is looking pale and shaken but not obviously injured.

The veteran introduces himself as Gunnery Chief Thran and he explains that they were manning the walls and he was attempting to explain to Serviceman Chung, the uninjured one, about the inadvisability of firing an Excelsior pattern ballista without first ascertaining what is behind your target (and why you do not ‘just eyeball it’), when two hill giants started throwing rocks at the ramparts, destroying one ballista and damaging another. The entire platoon was scattered.

At this point two hill giants appear on the other side of the green. There was some dismay from the players at this turn of events but the DM did point out the good news; the giants had to drop their clubs to climb the walls so now they can only punch… or throw rocks. A hill giant’s greatclub attack is +8 To-Hit, 10ft reach and does 18 damage so punching must be an improvement, right? Right.

End of session 2.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Celdar be able to hit a large, slow, low armoured giant?
• – Will Joffrey spend the fight pinned under a boulder?
• – Will the players take any notice of the “BIG FUCKING CLUE!!! Pay attention to it!” bit above?
• – Will Regulus do anything useful at all?!

Tune in next week to find out!