SKT Episode 22: Giant Monkey Dong

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Jake as ~~Abelas the Gimpy Wizard~~ Abelapelas the Mighty – What have I done?!
Adam as Joffrey the Druid (mostly in a bucket) – Abelapelas! I created you! Save me!
Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – Can I shoot the ape?!
Karl/Kraj as Celdar/Cunt Face the Arcane Trickster – I’m sure I’ve got some cheese that can help!
Mike as Regulus the Artificer – Well this is awkward…
Matt as Clay the Battlemaster – I planned an epic turn… and then the dice rolling happened.

With Gary as the DM – I’ve forgotten why I called Kraj’s mini ‘Cunt Face’…

Author’s Note:

The DM suffered an electrical failure at the start of the session when an extension cord started crackling in a rather alarming manner and then let all the magic smoke out. Turns out this fed the right-hand monitor, the TV, the Fire stick and the PC speakers. That last one was crucial because when it failed, Windows decided to swap the default audio output to the left hand monitor which, as far as I can can determine, has no built-in speakers. /golfclap Windows, /golfclap.

All that meant that the first hour of the recordings only has the DM’s microphone until he noticed a distinct lack of activity on the output bar while Kraj was moaning about how much time the DM was spending ~~with~~ on his mum lately.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants.

Pre-session Guff

Jake turned up and lamented the fact that he forgot to bladesing last session, which was funny because both the DM and Mike distinctly remember him saying he was bladsinging.

DM> It’s ok, I misremember stuff all the time… mostly because it makes the write ups funnier.

The DM reclaims the Cheese of the Week trophy from Mike. That was going to see a lot of use this session.

Mike explained to those present that Regulus had some buff he could grant them. Whatever it was is lost to the broken recordings but the DM’s reply was “What the fuck is this cheesy shite?!”

Adam received some flak for being late despite the fact that he wasn’t even working that day.

Talespire was discussed some more. The DM’s current plan is to start using Talespire for the next chapter where we can. This will mean some sessions are in Talespire but most would still be in TableTop Simulator. As Talespire improves we would end up using it more and more and TTS less and less.

This means the players need to shell out the £19.50 for Talespire in a couple of months. If you all get it before then, I’ll start using it straight away, but there’s no rush. If anyone has a particular objection to having to pay to keep on D&Ding (new baby, recent house move, drug habit, Only Fans habit, PornHub addiction etc.) I’m happy to just stick to TTS for as long as it lasts.

Bye Adam

We start the session proper just after Abelas has delivered the most epic insult of all D&D history:

“I bet you guys are so shit you couldn’t catch me”

Even a week later it’s still cringe-worthy <sigh>

During the discussion of how far from the veterans Abelas was, Mike earned a cheese of the week trophy. It was much deserved, obviously, but because of the recording issues I don’t know why.

In response to his monstrous abuse the veterans all fire at the gimpy wizard. The DM rolled six heavy crossbow attacks of 2, 3, 3, 5, 6 & 9. “Grade-A turdage” as the DM put it.

The ~~fucky lucker~~ gimpy wizard fled into the nearby dry gully and the six veterans pursued him.

The gully has three elevations; the lowest section is the dry river bed, 10ft above that is a narrow shelf where flooding has eroded the banks and finally, 10ft above that, is the desert floor.

It was at this point that we lost Adam to a Windows update.

ADAM DOWN!

The non-fleeing-for-their-lives players hid themselves amongst some rocks:

The DM has finally realised that he can link the full-size pictures <sigh>

Note that Celdar is hiding on the upper-left level behind a rock. That will become important later. Also, his mini had been renamed to ‘Cunt Face’, more on that later too. Clay and Regulus are in the river bed and Elvira moved to take up an elevated position behind Joffrey on the upper-right side.

There were several minutes of waiting to see if Adam was going to reappear during which time the DM created a flaming horse mini of Fandango to show the players what might have been <sigh>

We use a house rule on held actions that you have to do it even if you don’t want to. The DM has final discretion on this. It’s mainly because it leads to very funny outcomes on occasion. On this occasion however, the DM ruled that, as they were attempting an ambush, the players had full control over whether or not to ‘do the thing’ if the conditions for it were met.

While we were waiting (still) for Adam to get back, the DM mentioned the players might want to have a think about whether they wanted to take care of the two patrols and then rest, or head straight into the battle against Oboth. Resources could then be spent or hoarded accordingly.

Full Half Rincewind

A lot of planning was done and eventually it was decided to ‘fuck Adam’ and get on with it. A lot of actions were planned and held for when Abelas lured the mercenaries into the ambush.

However, on his first turn Abelas decided not go full-Rincewind and dash but instead to flee 40ft (he’s bladesinging) and then take the dodge action. The pursuing veterans dashed 60ft and ended up uncomfortably close to the wizard.

Adam reappeared! And sounded like he had a metal bucket on his head <sigh>

At this point the DM noticed the lack of player audio and corrected the issue. Sadly there was nothing the DM could do for the paper cup that Adam was using as a microphone.

DM> <sigh> Well, it’s going to be a short write-up!
Mike> Do you want us to go over everything we’ve said?
DM> Yep, if we could just start from the beginning…
Jake> We all insulted Adam!
DM> Thing is, I’ve forgotten why I called Kraj’s mini Cunt Face.
Mike> He asked about ten foot squares.
DM> Yes! Thank you.

Second time around Abelas decided that dashing was very much in order and took off down the river bed at a rate of knots towards the ambush site.

Joffrey wanted to turn Regulus’s giant badger into a giant ape. Cheese alert!

Joffrey (in a bucket)> Oh, it has to be something of the same CR…
DM> <sarcastically> Ah, in that case, you could turn it into a… giant badger!
Joffrey (in a bucket)> Er.. it would double its hit points!
DM> <thinking about it; surprised> Er… yes, yes it would!
<mucho laughter>

Sadly Joffrey chose not to blow a level 4 spell schlot on a giant badger.

We than had a moment of DM regret where he momentarily forgot he was the DM and thought he was a player <sigh>

The players were discussing how far into the ambush zone they were going to let the mercenaries get before cutting loose. Abelas is just on the safe side of the ambush zone but it’s his turn next and then the veterans after that.

Abelas> <reluctantly> I need to keep going don’t I?
Regulus> <also reluctantly> Yeah.
DM> You could fake a trip…
<ooh’s and aah’s>
Abelas> I like it!
Regulus> Except they will shoot you!
Joffrey in a bucket> If you lie down…
DM> You’ll be prone from the trip, they’d have disadvantage.
Joffrey in a bucket> And then I can turn you into a giant ape!
<groans and laughter>
Regulus> Does anyone get the impression that Adam is, I dunno, obsessed?
Joffrey in a bucket> Look, I just want to do it once!
<laughter>

Regulus> But I’m quite impressed Jake hasn’t mentioned Storm Sphere yet this week.
<more laughter>
Abelas> <laughing> I was about to suggest it but then Matt said he wanted to get into melee range.

Yes, Adam is obsessed about his giant ape… and he has a right to be. A giant ape polymorph is one of the single strongest actions a party can take at level 7. It remains extremely powerful for several levels after that as well. The party don’t know this and are reluctant to try it because, well, it’s an Adam plan isn’t it?

Trip Hazard

Abelas> Right, I’m going to attempt to fake a fall!
DM> Excellent, make a performance check!

Now this might seem rather underhanded by the DM in first suggesting something and then calling for a check on it but the DM knows that the check is going to be an incredibly easy DC5 and so absolutely nothing can go wrong, right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Abelas> I.. er… Oh, I have proficiency in Performance!
<Jake rolls a 3>
Abelas> Aaaaand it doesn’t matter, that’s a 4 total <sigh>

Well, shit. Didn’t see that coming.

The mercenaries still advance but they are now suspicious and split into three groups of two with one pair straight up the middle and the two other pairs taking cover by the rocks either side of the river bed.

DM> As they are now suspicious they won’t dash and as there’s nothing else to do they will all shoot at the wizard even though it’s disadvantage.

Abelas> <laughing> This is where I just die!
DM> <starts rolling dice, has a better idea> Can each of you, including Abelas, please make a single attack roll at disadvantage for the veterans please? Dishing the DM’s job out to the players!

Matt immediately rolls an 18 and a 20

DM> Get in Matt!
Matt> Sorry Jake!
Mike> Wow, Matt really hates you! The rest of us rolled low on purpose!
Jake> Matt… fuck you!

Good times.

The veterans only get a +3 To-Hit on their crossbow attacks and Abelas casts Shield and survives with no damage.

Disappointment

The group decide to cut loose with held actions on the mercenaries straight away.

Regulus> They’re as close as they’re going to be so who’s first on the held actions Gary?
DM> Elvira, as if you had to ask.
Regulus> Yeah, sorry. What was I thinking?
Elvira> It’s the first one I see so I’ll shoot at number 5.
<Elvira rolls a 5>
Elvira> Fifteen?
DM> Fifteen does not hit. It bounces off their splint armour.
Regulus> Christina!
Elvira> <laughing> Second try!
Abelas> I expect this from Adam!
Regulus> The fundamentals of my existence are now in doubt!

Thankfully the universe is restored to its usual balance when the second attack is a 22 To-Hit.

DM> Clay? You can choose not to use your held action.
Clay> Well, they know we’re here now…

Clay does the same as Elvira, missing with the first shot, hitting with the second.

DM> Abelas? You are prone on the floor but you still have your held action. <Dramatic voice> Storrrrrmm Spherrrre?!
Abelas> <sadly> Yeah… I prepped a Shatter.
<The disappointment is palpable>
DM> Ten foot radius?
Abelas> Yeah, that is a… queue surprise noises… DC fourteen Con save.
Regulus> <surprised> Fourteen?
DM> <casually> Only fourteen?
<The DM rolls a 14 and a 19 for the Veteran’s saves>
Abelas> Oh… fuck off!
DM> Veteran 4 shouts to Veteran 5 “INCOMING! Dodge!” but the other one shouts back “It’s OK! It’s only a fourteen!”

Jake took it well for someone who can’t bring an AR15 to work and make us all pay. We are such a bunch of dicks <sigh>. Still funny though.

Celdar (AKA Cunt Face) takes his prepared shot from hidden with advantage and, in technical rogue terminology, sneak attacked the living shit out of an unfortunate merc in the gully below.

DM> <breaking the bad news with empathy and tact> Ok, now it’s your actual turn. You are no longer hidden and it is bright daylight so you can’t hide, suck it… Princess, and there’s no allies adjacent to them so you won’t get sneak attack.

Just to rub salt in the wound, the DM ruled that while he could take cover behind the rock he was next to, he couldn’t hide behind it because the bad guys would still know exactly where he was.

Temporary Insanity

DM> Joffrey? Your held action if you want to and then your action.
Joffrey in a bucket> I’m not going to use my held action because <disgustedly> ‘some people’ want to get in there and fight melee <sigh>
DM> Ugh, how dare they?
Joffrey in a bucket> Anyone want to be a giant ape? Anyone look willing?
Abelas> I’ll do it!
<shocked silence>
Joffrey in a bucket> <surprised> Er… cool! <casually> I cast Polymorph onto Abelas then.
Abelas> <laughing with a tinge of hysteria> What have I done?!
Regulus> <scathingly> So you, potentially as our main damage dealer with AoE spells…
Joffrey in a bucket> <somewhat smugly> Nah, he’s now the main damage dealer!

So what Joffrey (in a bucket) knows but the rest of them don’t is the stats on a Giant Ape:

Giant Ape
Huge beast, AC 12, HP 157, Speed 40ft/Climb 40ft.
Multi-attack: The ape makes two fist attacks
Fist. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit: 22 (3d10 + 6) bludgeoning damage.
Rock. Ranged Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, range 50/100 ft., one target. Hit: 30 (7d6 + 6) bludgeoning damage.

Celdar> Does the giant ape have more charisma than myself and Abelas?
Joffrey in a bucket> Probably!
Abelas> <sigh> It has one more than me.
<laughter>
DM> Right, you have an armour class of 12 and 157 hit points…
Abelas> Erm… it says 15?
Joffrey in a bucket> I got mine from D&D beyond Gary.
DM> So did I, I’m on it now. Giant Ape, armour class 12.
Abelas> <to Joffrey in a bucket> How the fuck… How have you managed to cheese D&D Beyond?!
<Resigned laughter>

This is a much misunderstood aspect of Adam’s D&D playing; only sometimes is the cheese deliberate. Most often it is simply a natural ability, an inherent affinity for Gorgonzola, a gift given unto him by a deal between the almighty Dice Lords and Karma as payback for all the transgressions by the DM.

It transpires, after the DM referred to the Monster Manual and Regulus referred to the Roll20 page, that Adam had mistakenly chosen the ‘beast companion’ variant of the giant ape and not the standard beast variant. Easily done but still funny and so Adam also achieves a Cheese of the Week trophy.

DM> Anyway, as I was saying, it can also make a single ranged attack at +9 To-Hit with a rock, range 50/100 which deals 30 bludgeoning damage on hit.
<Ooh’s and aah’s>
Regulus> So we’re not rolling the damage for these?
DM> Yeah, that’s off the stat block but we will, of course, be rolling them.
Regulus> Because it sounds more impressive when you say 7d6+6. I mean, it’ll still come out as thirteen…
<knowing laughter>
Regulus> I also think it’s more intelligent than your wizard as well…
<Shots fired!>
Clay> Is that the ape or the rock Mike?
<mucho laughter>
Abelas> You… can go fuck yourself.
Joffrey in a bucket> My work here is done.
Abelas> <plaintively> I think its more wise than I am as well….

Getting Some Melee Action!

The two fighters are at the top of the initiative board and Elvira does what Elvira does and double-hits a mercenary for a fuckton of damage (imperial, not metric) and then, after a two-week absence, Clay steps up:

DM> Clay?
Clay> I am going to move in… and get some melee action!
Regulus> I’m slightly worried that we’ve had a rounds worth of attacks and we haven’t killed one of them yet.
Clay> I’m going to attack veteran 5 <rolls a 6> That’s 15 to-hit?
DM> That does not hit, sorry.
Clay> I’ll try again.
DM> Welcome back Matt, we’ve missed you.
<Clay rolls another 6>
<silence as no one knows what to say>
Regulus> Well this is awkward…

And now, the time Adam has been eagerly awaiting for almost two full sessions!

DM> Abelas?
Abelapelas> I’m going to do what, deep in my soul, I’ve wanted to do since the beginning of the campaign and CHARGE!
Regulus> Oh… I thought you were going to say “Shit in my hand and throw it at them”
Abelapelas> What the fuck is wrong with you?!
<Abelapelas is having trouble manoov.. maneouvr… ‘moving’ into position due to his huge size>
DM> You have 10ft reach if you noticed that.
Abelapelas> I did not notice that!
<Abelapelas enters the fray>
Abelapelas> I am going to attempt to squash Veteran 5.
<Jake rolls a 17>
Regulus> Ooh, nice!
Joffrey> You get plus 9 to hit and that’s 3d10 plus 6 damage… twice.
DM> Veteran 5 just looks up at you and goes “Well… shit”.
<Jake rolls 3, 5 & 9 for 17 and then he needs to add the 6>
<silence>
<more silence>
Mike> <casually> That’s 23 Jake.
Jake> Yeah I Know! I… I….
<laughter>
Jake> I just got there! <laughing> Fuck off!
Matt> If we do the maths for Jake every time, we’ll get an entire extra combat in every night.
<While this is true, think of the lost opportunities for abuse and amusement.>
DM> <sigh> Veteran 5 is pounded into the floor of the gully, there’s not much of him left above ground. There’s a giant ape fist-print and a few bits of splintered splint mail.
Jake> Adam, thank you so much!
Adam in a bucket> He got giant ape fisted!
DM> <sigh>
Abelapelas> And then I’ll attempt to do the exact same to Veteran 4!
Veteran 4 (about to be in a bucket)> Fuck you Monkey Face!

Veteran 4 takes a giant ape fisting for 22 damage.

Hands Up, Don’t Smash

Regulus runs up to a veteran, misses with the first hit but gives the mercenary a good thunder-fisting with his second attack.

A series of clunking sounds starts coming over Discord.

DM> <laughing> Who is doing the dishes? Stop it!
Adam in a bucket> Ah, sorry, background noise, hang on.
Mike> I would have called it being Adam.
DM> It’s fair, he’s in his kitchen, it’s fine. We understand.
Jake> I don’t!
DM> Push-to-talk is you friend! <thinks about it> Er.. unless you are trying to type and talk at the same time.

Veteran 1, the leader of this patrol, uses her action to pull a silver cylinder from under her cloak and fires a flare high into the sky.

The DM momentarily gave the veterans the giant ape’s +9 to hit instead of their +5. It’s fine, it’s in the UA. Trust me, I’m a DM.

DM> Veteran 4 <the one that got pounded by Abelapelas> is muttering under his breath about the Zhentarim and he…
<The DM has a short but hard think about what a mercenary would likely do in the circumstances Veteran 4 finds himself>
DM> He er.. um.. <sounding surprised> He surrenders! He drops his swords, puts his hands up and says “I’ve had enough of this!”

Two mercenaries on the right-hand side climb up to the flood level and take cover behind some rocks. They prep actions.

DM> Cunt Face?
Regulus> If you don’t attack either of the ones I’m standing next to…
Abelapelas> He’ll live up to his name!
Celdar/Cunt Face> Longbow shot…
DM> You can’t see anything you’re behind a rock.
<Sounds of Adam having a conversation with his other half come over Discord>
<Celdar/Cunt Face moves his mini from behind the rock>
DM> Ok, the two veterans on the other side of the canyon, that have held their actions, shoot their crossbows at you!
Celdar/Cunt Face> <sigh> I knew that was coming.

The DM pleaded with the Dice Lords for a pair of natural 20’s but they gifted him with a pair of 17s instead. Still nice.

Celdar> I’m sure I’ve got some cheese that can help…
<laughter>
DM> Do you have Shield?
Celdar> Err… yes!
DM> Use it.
<More laughter and more sounds of washing up coming from Adam’s Discord>

Celdar shoots at, and misses, the two Veterans in the gully. The rogue scampers back under behind his rock.

Joffrey initially wanted to cast the rather underwhelming Produce Flame but took so much flak for it that he cast Magic Missile instead.

Adam in a bucket> Jake, are you going to take that veteran that surrendered up to your spire?
Mike> And make sweet, sweet love to it?
DM> <sigh> Abelas, you retain your personality…
Regulus> Aaaw…
DM> But you think like a giant ape
Celdar> What’s the difference?
DM> Well, while Abelas’s preference might be to run away from enemies, Abelapelas would be more likely to just charge, for instance.

Tea Time At Adam’s

Elvira sets about inflicting more pain of the hapless veteran while Adam sets about inflicting more clunking noises on the rest of us.

Mike> Adam, are you now eating your tea?
Adam in a bucket> <surprised> Er… yep.
DM> <laughing> Could you use push to talk so we don’t have to hear you do it?
Adam in a bucket> I am!
DM> <scathingly> Oh really? Because we can hear every time you take a bite.
<laughter>
Adam in a bucket> Wait… can you still hear me now.
<A chorus of resigned acknowledgements is heard>
Adam in a bucket> What the…?
DM> Work with computers much before have you?

Adam gets really confused as there is a physical switch on the cable that he has turned off. Adam also gets quite a lot of abuse (obviously).

Adam in a bucket> Wait, can you hear me now?
<Another chorus of resigned acknowledgements is heard>
Adam in a bucket> Well that’s coming through my webcam…
Kraj> And that’s why you sound so shit!
<Long loud and mocking laughter and a number of comments generally disparaging Adam’s entire career competency.>

Finally, Adam no longer sounded like he was in a bucket and we could get on with it. Yay.

Clay moves over to the two veterans on the gully floor and eviscerates one of them with Legana. He misses the other one, obviously.

Puny Gods

DM> Ok, brace yourselves everybody… Abelapelas!
Abelapelas> FUCK YES! CHAAAAARGE!
<Jake moves the gigantic ape miniature over to where the two right hand veterans are hiding 10ft above the gully floor>

Abelapelas> Hello!
<laughter>
Veterans> Fuuuuck!
Regulus> That looks awesome!
Abelapelas> I’m going to try and smack the shit out of Veteran 3.
<Jake rolls a natural 20>

A series of ‘oooooh’s are heard, some tinged with a touch of sympathy for what is about to befall poor Veteran 3 who takes 49 damage. That’s going to make your eyes water no matter what level you are and he is now looking a bit ropey. Abelapelas hits him again but rolled low on the damage for only an additional 13 but that was enough to render Veteran 3 a smear on the rocks.

One of the veterans crit-hit Clay for 14 damage. After Abelapelas, that seems a little lacking doesn’t it?

DM> Veteran 5, having just seem his mate reduced to mincemeat, is going to run around the rock where he sees Joffrey. He runs up to Joffrey and attempts to grapple him. He gets +5 to Athletics and so… 25 Joffrey?
<silence>
Regulus> Oh no, he’s made a serious tactical error!
<silence>
DM> Yeah… I also think he’s forgotten what his push-to-talk key is.
<silence>
Adam> Yep!

Everyone had another good laugh at Adam’s expense and, to make it worse, Joffrey rolled low and was now grappled.

DM> Well it says that you forego one of your attacks to make the grapple.
<Distinctly unsympathetic chuckles as the players realise that non-Panic Snake Joffrey is about to get clobbered>
Abelapelas> Oooh!
Regulus> Nasty!
DM> I’m going for some DM cheese as he gets two longsword and a shortsword, he foregoes one of the longsword attacks.
<Both attacks miss <sigh>>
DM> Oh well. <to Abelapelas> Anyway, let’s see you throw a rock at that fucker! Ah, that came out a bit venomous didn’t it?
Joffrey> Abelapelas! I created you! Save me!

Celdar longbows a veteran and misses again.

Regulus> Thanks for coming!
Celdar> <sigh>

Joffrey had a cunning plan to turn into a giant snake and asked the DM if he would still be grappled as you can’t grapple anything bigger than you are. The DM went full cheese however, and rules that the grapple action was made before he would shape-change and so would still stick. There were a few chuckles at the image of a veteran suddenly hanging onto a gigantic snake for dear life.

Instead the druid Magic Missiles the grappler at point blank range.

I Can’t Breathe

At the top of the round, the second squad of veterans appeared but these guys came in on the top level and not the gully floor. Suddenly Celdar finds himself hiding on the wrong side of the rock.

DM> Elvira?
Elvira> Can I shoot the ape?! No, no!
DM> Veteran 1 is untouched, mostly due to the efforts of the McWhiffy brothers down here.
<Laughter>
DM> I’m going to do a bit of DM buggery here, mostly for Joffrey…
Joffrey> Erm…!
DM> Elvira is a precision archer and would be able to choose which of the two grappled targets she hits, whereas a giant ape is not…. precise? And wouldn’t be able to differentiate between the two if throwing a large rock at two beings essentially hugging each other.

DM Note: A giant ape is, to be frank, overpowered cheese. However, it is also a lot of fun. There are a few ways to counter the OP cheese but some of those are really not fun. For example, giving the enemies a Wand of Dispel magic, but that just sucks as it saying ‘I’m just going to take away your power entirely and make you waste a turn’. Consequently, I will attempt to stick to more fun ways of balancing Giant Ape combat but those are probably going to seem a tad cheesy, like the decision above to make rock throwing a little imprecise.

Elvira elects to stow the longbow and moves into a flanking position to go full stabby-stabby with her shortswords. Both main hand attacks hit as does the third bonus offhand strike because Arcane Archers are still fighters and can shred things quite effectively with a pair of swords.

DM> Clay?
<Matt rolls a 4. Sympathetic laughter rings out>
Regulus> I… <starts laughing> I feel we might be letting the side down a little bit here Matt, to be honest.
Clay> <forlornly> I planned an epic turn… and then the dice rolling happened.

He hits with his second attack and cheers ring out! He uses a Battlemaster manoeuvre and trips the veteran who falls prone. This is followed up by an Action Surge and both the follow up attacks, now with advantage, land on the hapless mercenary. The merc went from untouched to nearly-dead in one turn, nice!

DM> Brace yourselves. Abelapelas?
Abelapelas> Well, I see Veteran 1 on the ground…
<That was the one Clay just wrecked>
Abelapelas> And Elvira has the Joffrey issue under control…
Regulus> <mock outraged>Are you going to kill steal?
Joffrey> Do it!
Regulus> Twat!
<It is unknown if this was directed at Joffrey, Abelapelas or indeed, both of them>
Abelapelas> Well what else do you want me to do?
Joffrey> What’s your range with a rock?
Abelapelas> Er… fifty to a hundred.
<The oncoming patrol are a bit further than 100ft>
Joffrey> Maybe the DM will let you do a Strength check and throw Veteran 1 at this lot.
DM> If you succeed on the grapple I will absolutely let you throw him.
<Because let’s face it, that would be fairly fucking epic right? Right>
Abelapelas> Ok then, I’ll try and pick up Veteran 1.
Regulus> So… wait.. sorry… <with just a tinge of sarcasm> So we want them to run away, to tell all their mates…
Abelapelas> <With the despondent tone of a man whose entire world has just come crashing sown around him> Oh.
DM> <sigh> Damn you Mike.
Abelapelas> I have subsequently realised that not only was that an Adam idea…
<laughter>
Abelapelas> … it was really fucking stupid.
DM> <heavy sigh> Yes, the entire point of this entire map was to serve one purpose…
Regulus> To thin their numbers!

I’d like to say it was actually a really good idea, it just wasn’t the right idea for this particular set of circumstances. Instead, Abelapelas stomps on the prone Veteran 1 leaving a giant footprint and some more splintered bits of splint armour.

Abelapelas> I nod to Clay, he did well.
DM> Clay probably didn’t see it because he’s looking at your kneecap.
Joffrey> Or your monkey dong!
DM> <sigh> It’s a female ape.
Jake> WHAT?!

Regulus had NoShiro sit on the surrendered veteran.

The veteran grappling Joffrey landed a shortsword attack, forcing the druid to make a concentration save. Abelapelas was panicking slightly but Joffrey is a master of gorgonfuckingzola and took the Warcaster feat so he makes his concentration saves with advantage and Jake got to retain his giant monkey dong for a while longer.

The newly arrived patrol all fired at Celdar at once. The DM rolled 6, 14, 14, 16, 17 and 19. The exact mathematical equation for this is:

DM god rolls + Low AC = Celdar fucked

He got hit for 30 damage leaving him with a huge seven hit points more than he needs.

Celdar only has 14AC thanks to some spectacularly bad rolls during creation. Let’s face it, 14AC is just sad at level 7 and he hasn’t had a chance to get some magic items to make up for it yet so, sadly, we might have to visit some DM love upon the rogue fairly soon (as opposed to on his mum like usual).

8HP-Celdar, doing a pretty good impression of a porcupine, rolled a natural 20 with sneak attack on the veteran grappling Joffrey.

DM> Kraj, you need to add 24 to that…
Kraj> 38 total it comes out at!
DM> <invokes heathen deity> Yeah, he’s dead.

Joffrey is having a minor mental breakdown trying to figure out what he’s going to do now it’s his turn.

Joffrey> I do feel like I’m contributing, which is nice for once.
Regulus> <dubiously> Yeah… indirectly.
Joffrey> I’m not doing anything but…
Regulus> So basically we need you to just hide behind that rock and not get hit.
<laughter>
Regulus> Healing doesn’t require concentration, could you make your way to Celdar and maybe heal him?
Joffrey> That’s true, I’ll healing Word so that is 1d4+4…
Regulus> Unless you cast it at a higher level?
Joffrey> Yeah, but I kind of need those.
Celdar> I feel valued.
<laughter>

Joffrey rolled a 1 causing even more amusement and 8HP-Celdar becomes 13HP-Celdar.

DM> Sadly lady and gentlemen, we need to end that here because its a quarter past nine.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will 13HP Celdar survive?
– Will the giant monkey dong get stared at some more?
– Will they rest or go straight to the big boss showdown?!

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

A giant sperm whale was mentioned, that’s all I’m going to say.