Author: Dunorlan

Starring:

• Jake as Snorri the Gnome Fighter
• Kraj as Gnob the Gnome Warlock
• Christina as Kiara the Gnome Sorcerer
• Gary as Gnobby the other Gnome Warlock
• Adam as Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) the Gnome Rogue
• Matt as Sea Smurf/The Blue Thing/Not-A-Gnome, a Triton <sigh>

• With:
• Mike as the DM

Author’s Note: As Gary is somewhat indisposed and bouncing in and out of hospital, Mike has agreed to step in and run Lost Mines of Phandelver while the old DM gets over it or ends up under it.

Phandelver is the ‘beginner’ D&D adventure but obviously we are all now seasoned D&D professional adventurers so this should be a piece of cake right? Right.

Also, Mike hates gnomes so obviously everyone rolled a gnome. Except Matt <sigh>

Season Recap:

It’s the first episode, there isn’t one.

Pre-session Guff

The write-up starts a bit late because Gary is doing the write up and had just gotten released from the hospital, gone home and jumped straight into D&D.

He still made it before Matt though, just sayin’. Gary obviously took some flak, obviously mostly from Adam, for being late and said he felt like a dirty player disrespecting the DM by not turning up on time.

Gary hinted that the party name he and Adam had come up with was not to be googled and, because he was on drugs, laid the blame entirely on Adam.

Adam said that his character name was pronounced Guh-Nomeo (the second G is silent, apparently) and Gary said his character name was pronounced Guh-Nobby Guh-Nobberson who is a Guh-Nome. Mike let out an audible, heartfelt sigh.

Gary sympathised with Mike but this is about karma and payback and so Gary’s character is a Knight and has two gnome retainers called Lesgo and Brandon. Not sorry.

The Inn of No Regrets

Our adventure starts at an inn with Gary asking if Christina and Kraj were happy to go along with the still-undisclosed group name he and Adam chose. Gary did acknowledge that it was very unfair but they agreed anyway. It is important to know that Balavar is a gnomish god.

The group of adventurers have been summoned to the inn to meet Gundren Rockseeker, an old friend with a mission for them. Instead of Gundren they are met by an NPC asking if they are there for the Gnomes Against Gnomephobia meeting. Or GAG <sigh>

Gnobby (Gary) introduces the group as “The Gnomish Northern Alliance Missionaries for Balavar’s Lost Artifacts. Yes! We are.. the Gnomes from GNAMBLA!”

This also means that the gnomes (and Matt) are on a religious crusade and thus can get away with even more stupid activities than normal. We then had to explain to Kraj what NAMBLA is. That went about as well as you would expect.

Gnobby (Gary) has cheesed telepathy into his Warlock build and asks the others if we are here for the meeting. Ggnomeo (Adam) is eager if there is food. It then turns out that unlike the main campaign where everyone has used Charisma as a dump stat, in this campaign we have two warlocks, a sorcerer and a rogue that all have decent charisma scores and Ggnomeo gets double proficiency on persuasion checks. Sorry Mike.

Lord Gnomeson greets the party and drops a lot of DM related hints about how the entire world and the gods all hate gnomes. Ggnomeo (Adam) makes a successful persuasion check and blags the party into the VIP area and we started in on the free food and drink like a swarm of locusts.

It transpires that the Triton (Matt), A.K.A Sea Smurf, is supportive of gnomes. Gnobby (Gary) sends a telepathic message to Lord Gnomeson that he is lying which leads to an unrepeatable ‘gnome tossing’ joke.

A letter from Gundren is received and he has gone ahead to the town of Phandalin with his friend Sildar and one wagon loaded with ale. The party are to follow with the other when able. Everyone got shift-faced, had a sleep in and, because they had the mother birthing person of all hangovers, left around lunchtime the next day but only after Gnobby (Gary) purchased two reliquaries and sneaked them into Ggnomeo’s inventory while Adam was AFK. This is a throwback to the first LMOP disaster years ago. There’s going to be a lot of this.

The Sea Smurf bought a donkey.

There was a moment of reflection while that one sank in and the DM let out another long, heartfelt sigh.

After lunch, also at Lord Gnomeson’s expense, we all set out for Phandalin with a cart full of ale and a donkey.

Back to the Future!

The adventurers (and Jake) arrive at a narrow section of road with trees and bushes on both sides of the trail. Ahead is an upturned cart and a pair of dead horses.

Gnobby (Gary) attempted to perception the cart from the starting position and successfully perceptioned that the cart ahead was very similar to the cart the party were on. He then exclaimed “Everyone! We have somehow gone backwards in time and that is us from the future!”

Look, two hours before I was still in hospital and the drugs were still fresh, okay?

Ggnomeo (Adam) ran into the nearest bush and attempted to hide. He perceived a hidden goblin!

• Gary> Awww, Mike turned off the DM tools so I can’t draw a big arrow pointing to it.
• Mike> Remember, I ran this with kids first.
• Gary> So did I!

Shots fired!

The goblin appears unaware of Ggnomeo’s presence. Gnobby (Gary) perceptions a natural 20 and sees Ggnomeo (Adam) react and sends him a telepathic message asking what is wrong. “Nasty goblinses!” is the reply and then Gnobby starts screaming in a proper girly scream “THERE’S GOBLINS IN THE BUSHES!”

Roll initiative!

It should be noted that this fight is the single most deadly fight in all of the published D&D adventures. Sneak attacking goblins against level 1 characters is nasty.

Different Adventure, Same Old Shit

Adam (Ggnomeo) rolled highest of the players and went first… with an eight.

First fight summary:

– Adam received a scat related text message from his wife (not joking)

– The goblins got a surprise round and the one that was one with the bush ran up and missed the giant blue Sea Smurf

– A second goblin ran up and stabbed Gnob (Kraj) for 5 damage.

– Some reprobate asked the DM if these were ten foot squares.

– Completely unrelated to the above, a third goblin shot at Gnobby (Gary) and also hit for 5 damage. That’s half the gnome warlock’s hit points gone. A fourth goblin shot Sea Smurf for 5 damage as well.

– The rearward goblins did a bonus action hide and vanished again.

– Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo!) rolls a natural 20 and lands a sneak attack crit killing the goblin by Sea Smurf. He then ruins it; “Can I drag the corpse into the bush and make feral munching sounds to try and intimidate the others?”. Okay… moving on…

– Gnob (Kraj) wastes his one attack and misses with Eldritch Blast. Gnobby is rather scathing.

– Gnobby: “I cast Dissonant Whispers at it, can it make a Wisdom save?”. Yes was the answer, yes it could. Very wisdrous goblins, apparently <sigh> The two Warlocks are really doing the business in this fight.

– A hobgoblin appeared! Ouch. It attacked the feral muncher in the bush but missed.

– Gary, who was already dizzy, made himself a lot more dizzy by doing the annoying Jake hand circle thing. Totally worth it.

– Gnob (Kraj) and Sea Smurf both get shot again, for five damage again and the goblin archers hid… again.

– Ggnomeo, having been caught making munching noises in the bush, tried to stab the hobgoblin in the dick but rolled a 1. It was agreed that hobgoblins must have very small dicks. Ggnomeo duly informed the hobgoblin that it had a very small dick.

– Gnob (Kraj) stabs the closest goblin and actually hits it and kills it. He then runs and hides in the nearest bush which irritates Gary no end as that was the bush he was going to hide in.

– Matt asks if there are any other healers in the party. It transpires that Matt is the only healer. Gary, who has spent all night giving Matt shit for rolling a Triton instead of a Gnome, suddenly thinks Tritons are the bees knees and the bestest things evah.

– The wondrous blue aquatic healing god from the sea smacks the hobgoblin upside its head.

– Gnobby (Gary) casts Elridtch Blast at a goblin in a bush and melts the flesh off of its steaming bones leaving it a crumpled heap of smoking giblets in the bush! Well, that’s what happened in my mind. In reality I had clearly caught Mattitis and rolled a 7 missing it by a large margin <sigh>.

– Kiara (Christina) casts a Firebolt and misses. Welcome to the party! Then we had wild magic go off. Everyone was genuinely excited by this until it turned out to be ‘Confusion’ and everyone had to make a save. Interestingly gnomes have advantage on saves against this so it should be pretty harmless right? Right.

– Kraj, Gary and Christina all failed the save despite having advantage on it, and that was quite an accomplishment, and so it came to be that Gary was confused in both realities he was inhabiting that night <sigh>.

– Snorri (Jake) finally gets a go, screams “CHARGE” and runs over to the hobgoblin and stabs it dead. As first turns go that was fairly impressive and there was a shocked silence while it sank in that Jake did something adventurous and it actually worked.

– Gnob (Kraj) Eldritch Blasts a goblin again and misses again and then runs behind the cart. Gnobby (Gary) who is confused gets an attack of opportunity on Gnob and stabs Gnob in the dick… Gnob’s nob as it were… and lands the only hit he will land all fight <sigh>. It was still satisfying though “Look, it was a small dagger and a small target!”

– We then had a protracted period of sneak attacking goblins swapping fire with perceptioning players and Gnobby (Gary) remained confused and so couldn’t advise his fellow gnomes (and Matt) on how to deal with hidden attacking goblins; HOLD YOUR FUCKING ACTIONS AND AMBUSH THEM WHEN THE MOTHER BIRTHING PERSON FUCKERS BECOME FUCKING VISIBLE!

– Eventually all but one goblin got picked off and the last one ran away and combat ended.

Or did it?

We had a problem; Snorri (Jake) had been confused by another wild magic surge and seemed unable to make a save to snap out of of it. Gnobby (Gary) decided to be extremely helpful by re-enacting the scene from Airplane and forming a line to slap him back to sensibility. Even Lesgo and Brandon joined the line.

Gnobby slapped the 7HP Snorri for 4HP (a proper backhand slap) and, sadly, he then made the save. “Brother, I have healed you!” exclaimed Gnobby and the others very reluctantly stood down. Except Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) who wanted to make sure and slapped Snorri down to 2HP.

A short rest was taken and then the group decided to follow the goblin tracks and try and rescue Gundren.

Next time on The Gnomes from GNAMBLA:

• – Will Gnob get stabbed in the nob again?
• – Will the group successfully change the future and prevent their future selves from being ambushed?
• – Will Gnomeo (oh Gnomeo) find a convenient street light and step out of the shade?

• Tune in next week to find out!

– The second session of the Fireshear ice frost giant fight and where magic items get upgraded!

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Matt as Clay the Fighter – Michael Jackson’s Earth Song!
• Jake as Abelas the Wizard – Oh no, he’s going to cast some druidic shit!
• Kraj as Celdar the Rogue – Cunts.
• Mike as Regulus the Artificer – Benjamin, we’re coming!
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid – My ring is vibrating!
• With:
• Gary as the DM (eventually) – It is never too early for a Jake’s mum joke!

Author’s Note: It’s been so long now that the reason for the title has been forgotten; the previous episode was called The Ice Giants Cometh. Hopefully that now makes it funny!

Also, I threw up up halfway checking the web posting of this. Make of that what you will.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants and ended up (eventually) in Bryn Shander where they fought off a ice frost giant attack.

Pre-session Guff

<This is where Adam starts skimming and reads nothing of importance because he simply doesn’t have time to read the write ups>

The DM was having a pretty good day having done nearly all of his prep earlier and only having a quick note to write and a few lines of dialogue. About 45 minutes before the start he noticed a small error in Kraj’s magic weapons but one that could be easily corrected in a few minutes, leaving loads of time to spare.

Absolutely nothing could go wrong, right?

Kraj joined.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Fucking Kraj <sigh>

It turns out the DM’s microphone is not working on Discord. It took the DM (who has 35 years experience in IT) rather a lot of head scratching and 45 minutes to discover that under Security and Privacy settings, Microsoft had added a button called ‘Allow apps to access your microphone’ and this was set ‘off’. Seriously.

Yes, the Microsoft troubleshooter can’t troubleshoot something it doesn’t have access to. Now you might think hat having your troubleshooter check if it has access to something be part of the troubleshooting procedure… actually that that should be the very first thing that it checks, but Microsoft would disagree with you.

<sigh>

So at 19:01 and thus 31 minutes late, the DM finally gets into chat. Even Adam got there before him:

• Jake> …Stellaris I’m on 807..
• DM> <loud belch>
• <silence>
• Kraj> WEEEEEEEEEEEYYYY!
• Jake> Oh my <heathen deity> did we just hear Gary?!
• DM> Good evening everybody!
• <cheers>
• Matt> Right, I’ve got to shoot off now!

Hmm, upgrades.

DM> Before we go off and finish cleansing this area, and I have no idea how that’s going to turn out… I’m just going to go with the Matt Colville adage of ‘let your players sort out the problem, it’s not your job as DM’. Anyway, before that happens, let’s get to what I forgot to do last week. Harshnag says “There is a tent over there that I think you should look inside.”

The tent is more like a mini pavilion with purple and yellow stripes, about 20ft across and 10ft high. A sign just above the entrance flap displays a rearing, flaming stallion.

• Regulus> Benjamin, we’re coming!
• DM> Joffrey, you have the Ring of Demonic Horse Detection and you think you felt a very faint vibration on that finger.
• Joffrey> My ring is vibrating!
• DM> <sigh>. Okay, what do you want to do?
• Regulus> I’m already at the tent!
• Abelas> I’m just behind him!
• DM> As you enter the tent, it is substantially larger on the inside than it is on the outside.
• Abelas> Classic Benjamin!

And this is what happens when the DM doesn’t have time to write his exposition properly:

• DM> The only thing in the tent is a sturdy looking bench and on it is a large, flat chest.
• Matt> I had a girlfriend like that once!
• Adam> I was going to make a joke about Jake’s mum but its too early.
• DM> It is never too early for a Jake’s mum joke… its never too early for Jake’s mum! Bwahahahhahaaaa! Sorry! Not sorry…

It took a few seconds for everyone to regain composure and then we continued. The note invites them to put their magical items in the chest one at a time to enhance their abilities.

Regulus is reading the note and sees a small smudge at the bottom. Examination with the Eyes of Minute Seeing reveal it to be some very small print that can’t quite be read clearly but he can make out the words ‘unstable’, ‘time’ and ‘settle’. This is the DM’s get out of jail card in case he ballsed these things up and made them too powerful.

This is what the upgrades do:

Regulus – Utility Belt – This item gains Gnomish X-Ray Spectacles, Rocket Boots (Expeditious Retreat) and a deployable Micro Turret that mounts a light crossbow that fires on a bonus action.

Celdar – The Devil & The Debt – The Devil is now a +2 weapon and the wielder gains the Lucky feat (can basically re-roll an attack, save or check 3 times a day). The Debt is also now +2 and the wielder’s Con is set to 19.

Lucky is the subtle way of correcting Celdar’s deficiencies. The Con change is a bit more of a brute-force solution but we are heading into a part of the campaign where big AoEs may become prevalent and the DM doesn’t need to be planning around a sometimes-melee rogue that only has one HP more than the wizard. The wizard that has more AC and escape options.

Abelas – Circlet of Faetriss – Abelas gains +2 to Spell Attack and Save DC.

That’s by far the shortest description of any of the upgrades but it is quite powerful. It does not stack with any other effects of the same type, which frees up an attunement slot from his Wand of the War Mage. He might need that slot free for something later.

Abelas has gone from a spell save of fourteen to seventeen in two sessions. Farewell ‘Only fourteen?!’ troll, we will all remember you fondly 🙁

Joffrey – Hide of the Feral Guardian – Gains +1AC. When shape-shifted, Joffrey gains an additional +1 to damage and attack rolls (+2 total). Joffrey can now transform into a cave bear. Raawr!

Clay – Legana – Legana is now a +2 greatsword with a crit range of 19-20. The DM may regret that. The tremorsense may be extended to 60ft by touching the tip of the blade to the ground. Clay gains the ability to cast Stone Shape three times a day.

Elvira – Stormsong – Stormsong is now a +2 longbow and it gains the Thunderstrike ability:

Once per short or long rest, as an action, you can fire an arrow to a location you can see. Lightning strikes where the arrow lands causing a thunderous explosion and each creature in a 20-foot-radius sphere centred on that point must make a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw, taking 6d6 thunder damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one.

Anthems

The DM explains that if the players want their recently assigned anthems changed they must tell the DM why they want it changed (‘I don’t like it!’ is actually a perfectly fine reason) and must propose something which is A) an anthem, B) something that the DM likes and C) is appropriate to their character.

• DM> So, purely as an examp…
• Matt> Michael Jackson’s Earth Song!
• DM> … purely.. eh… <sigh>
• <mucho laughter>
• DM> <resignedly> That is not a fucking anthem is it? It’s a fucking dirge.

To the DM an anthem means rock or metal or punk. Yes, I’m old and like proper music and now sound like my dad.

The example that the DM was about to give before being so rudely (and funnily) interrupted was that Jake may wish to change his anthem (Run to the Hills) because the lyrics are about the Native Americans getting raped and killed. Bat Out of Hell might be better, for example.

Have a think about it, I’ll be trying to incorporate the proper ones into something at some point. I’m looking at getting a Discord soundboard so we can have a clip of them play when you do something fabulous but tis a lot of work for something that will barely get used.

Lolz

You first tank boy!

Kraj, who only has an AC of 17, announced his new 75 hit point total and Mr 27AC complained that was more than he had <sigh>. For further context, even the ‘gimpy’ wizard has 20AC just from Bladesong.

• Clay> That’s only one less than me!
• Celdar> I’m going full meelee spec!
• DM> <sigh>

Joffrey then finds out that Celdar has the same AC as he does and also complains that the rogue is now more tanky than the druid, conveniently forgetting the extra 120 hit points he gets from two Panic Snakes per short rest.

I don’t have a ‘roll eyes’ emoji but if I did, this is where it would go.

Harshnag asks if they are ready to go cause some trouble. They were fairly enthusiastic about it.

Mike made Jake jizz in his pants by mentioning that Hero Forge integration with Talespire was coming ‘soon’. i suspect Jake’s chances of getting a moderately decent graphics card just diminished even more given how much money he is about to spend on minis.

How Many?! How Low?!

Dasharra goes for a scout and reports that there are at least another 7 frost giants in the village area.

The setting is a bit awkward with visibility limited by the snow. This is to the players benefit because the DM doesn’t want 7 boulders being thrown at one unlucky player from 300ft away. Well, unless that player is Joffrey obviously, but there’s no way to guarantee that so… eh. The deputies (and Mike) manage to approach to within 30ft of the nearest giant before it all kicks off; roll initiative!

The DM explains that the opposing frost giants come with dire wolf companions which act as a single unit for initiative purposes. This is also a test anti-cheese for Regulus’ “can’t touch this!” combat tactics. There’s a longer explanation of the reasoning for this in post session guff to reduce the amount of stuff in the main write-up that Adam has to skim through without actually reading it.

The players mange to roll spectacularly low initiative scores, even Elvira only got a ten, so well done all for that. The DM congratulated Kraj on rolling a higher initiative than Clay, Abelas and Regulus combined.

• Abelas> He has Lucky now so we should give him a Wand of Magic Missiles.
• Regulus> Well he can’t hit with a bow, so…
• DM> Celdar is going first.
• Celdar> Woah!
• DM> Where are you? I can’t see you on the map?
• Abelas> <instantly> He’s next to Regulus.
• <a slight pause occurs while everyone else tries to a) find Celdar and b) figure out how Jake managed it so fast>
• Celdar> Oh yeah, next to Regoolas!
• Abelas> I happened to be looking at him.
• Celdar> He was like “I’m so jealous of that!”
• <general laughter>
• Abelas> In your dreams!
• Regulus> Jealous of his dexterity…
• Abelas> <laughing> You’ve got double my hit points but it’s fine, I’m just watching him from the corner thinking “I can deal with him…”
• Regulus> Yeah, actually, you’re tanking this one. You have as many hit points as Elvira’s got!
• Celdar> I’ve never seem Elvira actually get hit.
• Regulus> Yeah, she did because I almost got her killed!
• Celdar> <testily> Oh yes! That was when you left me on my own, yes!
• DM> <sigh> Right, on with it, the wolves alert the frost giant to your presence.
• Regulus> I look at the wolf and say “Snitches get stitches!”
• Joffrey> How did you know its name was Stitches?
• <group sigh>

Oh Kraj

The adventurers (and Jake) engage the first frost giant:

• Celdar> I bonus action hide…
• Regulus> Brilliant!
• Abelas> That’s it Kraj!
• <Kraj rolls>
• Regulus> Oooh! Look at you wasting a 20!
• Celdar> Twenty nine!
• DM> <sigh> Yeah, you are hidden.
• Regulus> Ooh, there are two wolves…
• Celdar> I will shoot at the closest wolf…
• Regulus> <incredulously> You’re going to shoot at a wolf?!
• Joffrey> Can you leave a wolf for me please?
• DM> You have a 138 hit point giant to take care of that does 50 damage a go and you’re attacking wolves?
• Regulus> And also you’re getting your sneak attack bonus and you’re going to waste it on a wolf?
• Celdar> I just wanted to be a dick! Ok, I’ll shoot the giant instead, if that’s ok?
• Regulus> Are you mad?!
• DM> Really?! You think THAT is the best target?!
• Celdar> <sigh>

Eventually, Kraj shoots the giant for only 16 damage which caused some amusement for the rest of us and few comments along the lines of “Should have shot the wolf!”.

• DM> Joffrey?
• <16 seconds of silence>
• Mike> Is he alive?
• <9 seconds of silence>
• Kraj> Has he broke his microphone?
• <2 seconds of silence, Adam figures out where the mute button is>
• Adam> Goddamnit!
• <long, loud laughter>

Joffrey casts Dominate Beast on one of the Dire Wolves, or ‘Druidic shit’ as Abelas put it.

• Joffrey> Can it make a wisdemic save please? Sixteen is the target.
• <wait for it…>
• Abelas> <smugly> Only sixteen?
• Regulus> Weheey! You’ve waited for a year to say that.
• Abelas> <laughing> I have waited for so long!
• Joffrey> <scathingly> Yeah, mine didn’t have to be propped up!

Ooh, touché sir!

The Dire Wolf fails the save and is now under Joffrey’s command. We now have a break in the proceedings because the DM is not convinced that Joffrey can convince the CR1 Wolf to attack a CR8 Frost Giant. Joffrey disagrees.

The DM reluctantly relents, mainly because he hates to see high level spell slots wasted, and the wolf did ten damage to the giant.

Much to the amusement of everyone except the druid, the DM decides the giant is rather pissed off at Joffrey for having stolen his dog and he moves 40ft towards the offender and then throws a boulder the rest of the way. The DM rolled a 19. Sooo close to a wonderful crit. Joffrey takes 28 damage but due to his War Caster cheese he maintains concentration.

• DM> As his bonus action, the giant pulls a war horn out and blows it loudly!
• Regulus> <resignedly> Of course he does.
• Abelas> Well, good luck everybody!

Skimmers

Mike, playing Elvira (Mikevira) opens with a pair of arrows into the giant and then Harshnag charges the hapless creature. Harshnag is a size taller than a regular frost giant for reasons that have already been explained:

• Adam> Is he a particularly large giant or..?
• DM> <sigh> Didn’t read the write up then?
• Adam> I… skimmed through the good bits…
• <gasps and laughter>
• Matthew> <reluctantly> That’s me every week..
• DM> <deep sigh> Why do I even bother?
• Kraj> Some of us read it!
• Adam> <somewhat defensively> I normally do, I just didn’t find time since.. yesterday? Sorry.

Matt rolled high enough to have Harshnag land both meelee attacks for over fifty damage. That’ll make your eyes water. Clay hit one and missed one until he was reminded about the flanking bonus and then he hit twice instead, which was nice.

Abelas, the self proclaimed ‘giant slayer’ <sigh>, finishes off the giant with a Firebolt.

The heavy snow severely limits visibility and the players were worried about what was coming , or as Kraj put it “There’s going to b a fucking army of giants appearing at our rear isn’t there?”.

The players finished off the hostile wolf and regrouped behind the orange igloos waiting for the assault. During this time the subject of graphical settings came up and, rather surprisingly, Mike said something disrespectful about Jake’s current graphics card:

• Jake> <sigh> Its a 1080 Ti and you fucking know it!
• Adam> <casually> Only a 1080 Ti? Even POLIT have better cards than that.
• Jake> Fucking… gggraaah!
• Mike> ‘Ten’ eighty Ti?
• Jake> You try getting something better!
• Adam> Jake, POLIT have eight better than yours…
• Jake> Yes, I am aware! I CAN’T FUCKING BUY THEM!
• DM> So you bought a brand new supercomputer but still have a crappy graphics card in it? That’s a bit disappointing isn’t it?
• Jake> The only thing it can’t do is ray trace! Fucking hell!
• DM> That’s not strictly true is it Jake? There’s something else it can’t do. It still can’t render lights in Tabletop Simulator can it?
• Jake> That is a game bug, it is NOT a graphics card issue…
• DM> Of course it is, yeah.
• Jake> I hate you all!

Back in the pretend world where you can make it up, two frost giants approach from the north-west, another from the north, two from the north-east and another from the east. “This is going to be interesting!” said Regulus.

Clay does an ‘Expeditious Charge’ at the lone giant coming from the east and hits it twice, action surges and hits another two times. This takes about two-thirds off its hit points. Impressive, but did he blow his load action surge too early?

… and you’ll miss it!

Abelas wants to cast Lightning Bolt at the unseen approaching giants. He changes his mind when the DM divides up the possible cast angle into a D20 and tells him he will only hit on a 19 or 20.

• Abelas> I am going to cast… Blink! On myself!
• Joffrey> He’s such a shit wizard he has to cast a spell to blink!
• <silence.. Kraj laughs a little bit… more silence>
• DM> I just facepalmed, properly, actually, physically in real life.
• Regulus> You didn’t want to finish off this wolf then?
• Celdar> That’s why he always uses all his spell slots!
• Regulus> Because he has to cast ‘Breathe’!
• Clay> You should have just cast the Lightning Bolt…
• Abelas> <sigh> I have vanished from this plane of existence…
• Someone> YES!!
• <I think it was Kraj but it may have been Adam or Mike. According to Jake’s mum they all sound the same when they get excited.>
• Abelas> …and have appeared in the Ethereal plane.

Regulus summons Anonymoose to come play. Sadly, there is currently no moose mini in Talespire and so we had to make do with a cow; welcome Anonymoo <sigh>. The DM scaled Anonymoo to the correct size for a huge creature and it was a very large cow indeed:

• Regulus> That is udderly ridiculous!
• <groans>
• Celdar> Can you mooove him?
• <further groans>
• Celdar> How dairy you summon that!
• Regulus> Nice one! Cheesy!
• <The DM starts looking for the Discord kick button>

This is clearly all too much for Matt who has to leave.

Anonymoose charges, and misses the last wolf but hits with the second attack. At this point they realised it wasn’t the last wolf, it was Joffrey’s charmed wolf and we had to redo the attack on the correct target.

It’s now getting a bit late and the DM asks the players if they want to carry on or stop. During that discussion we had this:

• Mike> …or do you want to do half-nine?
• Kraj> I’m easy.
• <And so is…. YOUR MUM! BWAHAHAHA-hahahaha-haaa-ha. Not sorry.>
• Jake> <dubiously> I can do ten, I don’t have work tomorrow…
• Kraj> We weren’t asking how high you could count mate.
• <gasps… laughter>
• DM> That was a good one!
• Adam> That’s got to be the best so far.
• Kraj> <laughing> That was so cruel, I’m sorry!

Jake took it well for someone who can’t bring a shotgun to work and make us all pay.

We decided to continue for a while longer.

Funny AND true!

• DM> Celdar?
• Celdar> Well…. Shit.
• <Celdar ponders, it takes a moment>
• DM> Dimension door roughly here? <indicates a point between two oncoming frost giants>
• Abelas> You’ve got the hit points for it.
• DM> Tank it!
• Celdar> I can get there but then I can’t attack it.
• Regulus> That’s not going to make a difference because even if you do attack it, you’ll miss.
• <gasps… laughter>
• Celdar> <sigh> Cunts.
• Abelas> That wasn’t even me! I approved of it but…
• <more laughter>

Celdar ran away and hid and held his attack for anything which came into view. This was swiftly correctly by everyone else shouting at the Rogue for it to be the first ‘hostile’ thing that came in view. The DM has trained them well!

Joffrey runs towards the NW pair of giants and tidal waves them; “It has never let me down Gary!”. That caused some mirth but the distinctly undextrous giants both failed the save and were knocked prone.

• Joffrey> Gary, do you have a Rhino?
• DM> That’s a rather personal question! Hang on, let me check…. no.
• Joffrey> Aaaw, I was going to turn into Joffrocerous!
• <groans>

Joffrey, saying he wanted to try something different, became a Cave Bear instead. It didn’t have a snappy name because it was late and Cave Bear doesn’t give a lot to work with.

• Abelas> So you said you wanted to try something different but what you did was cast a spell and then you turned into something, which is what you always do!
• Joffrey> <threateningly> Have you seen Revenant?
• <laughter>

We lost a chunk of our extra time while Mikevira failed to figure out how the measuring system worked. Like I said, it was getting late. His attempts to work it out, aided by Jake, were accompanied by various unhelpful comments such as “Bear with him” and “Rawrsome” from the Cave Bear and “Oh moo god, hit something!” and “get a moove on!” from Anonymoo.

Look, you have to grow old, you do not have to grow up!

By the time Mikevira was done, to an encore of comments including “Javelin of Lightning was faster than this” our time was up.

End of Session.

I hope Adam enjoyed skimming this.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Abelas make Celdar pay for that maths crack?
• – Will Mikevira spend another ten minute turn being insulted by a giant cow?
• – Just how much of this write up did Adam skim past without reading?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

Bring out the gimp!

The idea of rolling stats was to mix things up a bit and any major deficiencies could be corrected through the course of the campaign. The deficiencies give you character.. er.. well, character and overcoming that gives even more. We might still call Abelas the gimpy wizard but he is rather less gimpy that when we started. Nobody expected Celdar to turn out quite so shit though.

So how do we fix him? Well there’s subtle ways and there’s unsubtle ways. Abelas will get subtly fixed through a few choice items but Celdat is a bit more of an issue. His woefully low but still ‘best’ stat Dex will increase through stat boosts as he is levelling. However, giving him the ‘Lucky’ feat tied to his main weapon will help in the meantime.

For his hit points… well he is probably going to have the lowest AC in the party (tied with Joffrey) for the foreseeable future and rather than mess wit that a simple Con boost item will give him enough HP to survive a coupe of big melee… sorry, big meelee hits at least.

Regulus Counter-Cheese Reasoning

Ok, this is a problem but its a weird problem because of a few reasons. Essentially, Regulus runs up, punches the most dangerous thing/s in play and they then have to attack him or suffer disadvantage. Disadvantage is a huge penalty.

If he does get attacked he can Shield for a total of 27… sorry twenty-fucking-seven AC.

In a normal dungeon crawl this wouldn’t be a problem because you could just wear him down, get him to spend those Shield spell slots over the course of a few fights. Unfortunately, this stage of SKT isn’t written like that.

The second possible approach is to change the make up of the combat encounters. This has happened before when someone became obsessed with ‘level 3 inflict wounds’ and the enemies adapted to that over-used tactic. However, if the DM puts in something that can reliably hit 27AC, anyone who doesn’t have 27AC is totally fucked.

Likewise, adding spellcasters which bypass AC all together is not a viable solution; this campaign features very specific enemies so changing them is harder than you might think and even if I did that, Regulus gets 5 uses per long rest of Flash of Genius – When you or another creature you can see within 30 feet of you makes an ability check or a saving throw, you can use your reaction to add +5 to the roll. Cheese piled on cheese <sigh>

We could always nerf the shit out of Regulus’ abilities but, while that would warm the cockles of the DM’s cold, cold heart, it is a tad unfair to Mike who built the cheese bot warforged within the rules and to do specific things. So we’ll have to be a bit more subtle about unfucking this problem. Ironically, this particular fight turned out not to be one where it mattered.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Matt as Clay The Fighter- I will wait for Abelas to lead us into battle!
• Jake as ADDbelas the Wizard – Charge but slightly slower than Clay!
• Kraj as Celdar The Misfiring Rogue – Challenge accepted!
• Mike as Regulus The Artificer – Er.. Gary, is he still surprised?

• With:
• Gary as the DM – That’s the kind of thing I would expect from Adam, quite frankly.

Author’s Note: For some reason I felt an urge to add “in your faaaace!” to the title of this episode. Eh, Adam was probably way ahead of me. It should also be noted that all the ‘ice’ strikethroughs in this write up had to be put in by hand. That’s how far your DM will go to pull a minor troll.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants, a frost giant called Harshnag in particular, and ended up (eventually) in Bryn Shander.

Pre-session Guff

Everyone but Kraj turned up on time. The DM theorised he was ashamed to show his face after the previous evening when Kraj was hosting the epic final mission in Guild Wars 2 and forty minutes into it his potato of a PC died and now he and the DM have to do it all again <sigh>

There were several comments along the lines of “Fucking Kraj!”.

Adam had previously said he couldn’t make it but had then said he could make it but at the last minute decided he couldn’t make it after all. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Christina has just moved and unlike some of the sorry excuses offered up recently (I forgot it was Thursday, I’m going to a complete stranger’s wedding, I booked my grocery delivery for D&D time, I nearly died of Covid) she has no Internet.

I’m just going to reiterate again that I really don’t mind if you can’t make it. I fully understand; life can get rather busy and this is for fun and shouldn’t be onerous. I just make a lot out of it because its funny. We started all this nearly 4 years ago and we are still going so that’s a bonus in itself.

Epic games was slated by everyone except Mike for being a total bunch of cunts. Mike likes them because they give him free games he’ll never play.

While still waiting for Kraj to decide if he could be arsed to turn up, we had a brief recap on last week for Mike, mainly the bit about the clockwork gnome.

The DM loads up Tabletop Simulator but the players can’t see it. Chat continues while the DM tries to figure out what he has fucked up:

• DM> Right fuck fucking Kraj, he can do one. We’ll treat him like Adam.
• Jake> That’s a bit harsh.
• Clay> If the offer is there, we’d like to take everyone this week!
• <laughter>
• DM> On the subject of last week; Matt, I am very sorry for being half asleep and not doing my job properly. Jake should also be really sorry for not knowing what his spells do.
• Jake> What the fuck did I do?!
• <The DM explains Restrained>
• Jake> Oh yeah, the fucking tentacles! I probably should have read the last line…
• Matt> It was all for the lols!
• <Kraj joins>
• DM> Ah! Kraj has joined eventually, three hours late!
• Mike> That was a good session Gary, thanks for that!
• Matt> What’s the excuse Kraj?
• Kraj> I was on a work call and I saw Gary wasn’t online…
• <The DM swiftly checks his Steam settings, realises he’s set to ‘Invisible’, facepalms and surreptitiously corrects it>
• Kraj> …so I thought maybe he’d shat himself and there was going to be a delayed start.
• Jake> That’s brave!
• <laughter>
• DM> I didn’t actually hear that because I was busy fucking about with something…
• Kraj> That’s probably for the best!
• <more laughter>
• DM> But that’s ok, I’ll catch it in the write-up and I’ll take my vengeance the week after!
• Kraj> Hey Tenz! You’re online, imagine that!

Quest Map

Now that DM is visible on Steam his players have a remarkably easier time connecting to TTS. Well, most of them:

• Jake> Fucking ‘asset bundle error’?!
• <loud laughter>
• Jake> What is this shit? I reinstalled TTS!

He still couldn’t see the lights. It now transpires that Jake is hovering over the pink flag on Bryn Shander and complaining he can’t see the light orb. Thing is, green flags signify quests and have light orbs, pink flags signify where the party have visited and do not have them. The DM was ever so slightly very sarcastic about this.

• Jake> I definitely still can’t see them… WHAT THE SHIT?! I can right-click them and see the square!
• Mike> Maybe your graphics card isn’t powerful enough Jake?
• Jake> I will stab you if I ever see you in person!
• <laughter>
• Kraj> A new computer would fix that.
• Jake> <laughing> Oh my <heathen deity> I am sooo angry!
• <more laughter>

There was a LOT more fucking about with Steam workshop and there was a LOT more abuse aimed at Jake’s ‘super’ computer and his weedy graphics card that he has fitted to it and isn’t at all triggered by. Good news though, at the end of all that Jake still couldn’t see the lights and so the rest of us can continue to be entertained at his expense.

Sirac of Suzail

The deputies (and Mike) were approached by the cleric that aided in the gate defence, Sirac of Suzail. Sirac confesses that he may know why the ice frost giants attacked; he is the son of Artus Cimber, the man the giants were seeking. His father is in possession of a powerful magic ring called the Ring of Winter that the giants may be seeking.

However, Sirac also reveals that the ring protects its wearer against scrying and fears the giants may have found a way to track Artus’ blood, which means they will mistakenly continue to pursue his son. Sirac has not seen his father in several years and does not know where he is.

As the players move around a lot, Sirac offers to accompany them in the short term with the aim of eventually reaching Waterdeep where his father’s friend, a powerful archmage called Lord Zelarun Roaringhorn resides.

Sirac is a level 8 Twilight Cleric but explains he has taken a vow and may only use violence to defend himself. The adventurers (and Jake) agree to let him tag along.

The DM explains that this is part of the book quests and not something the DM has made up. The DM has however, made him a rather more useful cleric than the one in the book. If you’re taking a healer along, he damn well better be able to heal right? Right.

It was agreed to go to Fireshear and see the lady about the griffon riding training, take the griffons to Luskan and then proceed down the coast road to Waterdeep.

At this point the DM realises he forgot something really quite important and its too late to do now. Oh well, they’ll find out next week… maybe.

Mike tried to cheese the griffon lady knowing about Harshnag <sigh>. Since Harshnag is vital to the main quest, its going to be a bit bloody hard to miss him when he does come along.

Fireshear

Long ago, a meteor strike blasted a crater in the frozen tundra near the coast of the Trackless Sea, shearing away tons of rock and exposing rich veins of copper and silver ore. In the years that followed, miners settled nearby, giving rise to the town of Fireshear. The miners work for a consortium of three allied merchant companies: Hammaver House (based in Mirabar), the Silver Triangle (based in Neverwinter), and the Delvers of Brokenstone (based in Waterdeep). The settlement is made up of squat stone structures that resemble igloos*, their domes good at supporting the weight of snow and deflecting the cold wind. Most homes are dug out of the rock and include deep cellars laden with preserves.

The miners of Fireshear dwell here all year. Ramps carved into the cliffs lead down to the shore, where stone docks protrude into a shallow bay that freezes by late fall and doesn’t thaw until early summer. Fireshear imports most of its food, clothing, and other necessities. Ice fishing is a popular pastime among children, but all able-bodied adults are expected to toil in the mines.

Fireshear is also home to a retired civilar (captain) of Waterdeep’s Griffon Cavalry and a member of the Emerald Enclave named Dasharra Keldabar (female shield dwarf). She lives north of town, in a mostly underground hovel on a ridge that overlooks the sea. Dasharra raises griffons, trains them as mounts, and teaches people how to ride them. The griffons are kept in a low, sturdy wooden shelter next to her home. Dasharra employs six Zhentarim mercenaries as guards, three of whom stand watch outside the griffon pens while the others rest in a cramped loft above the griffons’ stalls.

*They are orange because that’s the colour of the only tiles the DM could find in Talespire that could make anything remotely resembling an igloo.

One of the adventurers (and Jake) are members of the Emerald Enclave and Dasharra offers to train the party for free. The training will take three days and on completion the players will be adept in the care and riding of griffons.

Dasharra has several outposts, including in most major civilisation centres where they can hire griffins for travel. The business is expanding as fast as she can raise and train the creatures.

Amazingly, because the DM had a long hard think about it and decided to ‘wing it’ and put Harshnag in a bit earlier than he meant to, Dasharra did know something about Harshnag and said he had been spotted in the area recently. Harshnag’s main hobby is killing other ice frost giants and there are a lot of them about in this area recently. Whilst an out of sorts DM winging it may be a recipe for disaster, this is actually a really good time to introduce the famous ice frost giant.

There May be Trouble Ahead!

On the third day of their training a commotion and sounds of violence are heard coming from the town!

• Regulus> CHARGE!
• ADDbelas> Charge?
• Regulus> Yeah!
• ADDbelas> But charge slightly slower than Clay!

The banter that took place during the multiple loading up of Talespire covered the following:

• – Jake complaining that TTS crashed on him.
• – The DM pointing out that’s because he closed it as we were moving to Talespire.
• – Jake being abused some more for not listening (The DM cut out apparently)
• – Jake’s supercomputer being abused for not having booted Talespire in three seconds.
• – Which of the DM or Kraj were more salty about Kraj’s computer crashing in the final Guild Wars 2 mission the night before.
• – Whether or not they should take Elvira. They did.
• – Whether or not they should take Joffrey. They did not.
• – Matt wanted to play Joffrey but the DM promised Matt he would give him something much better to play with before the end of the map.

• Matt> Ok, it’s just I expect to be unconscious before the end of the second round.
• <laughter>

• DM> As you enter the map, a woman runs screaming past you, incoherently babbling about ice frost giants. And then, a whole gaggle of GNOMES runs up shouting “Save us! Save us metal man! The ice frost giants are attacking! They are pillaging the town”.
• Regulus> Hmm. I’m finding it hard to motivate…

Regulus very reluctantly agrees to save them and Matt thinks they travelled nearly 150miles to get here and then spent three days training without having taken a long rest <sigh>. “Oh, I must have missed that bit!”.

Attention to Detail

We have three elf minis; Elvira, Celdar and Abelas. They are placed next to each other at the map entrance along with Clay, Regulus and Siric.

Jake accepts the DM’s offer of a change of mini to one recently released. In order to properlty replace a player mini in Talespire the DM has to do the following:

• – Place the new mini on the board.
• – Right click the old mini and select ‘Make not unique’
• – Right click it again and ‘Kill Menu’ and then ‘Kill Creature’ to remove it from the board.
• – Rename the new mini Abelas and make it a unique creature.

Perfectly simple procedure right? Should take about 20 seconds tops right? Absolutely nothing can go wrong, right?

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

It was group effort too!

So, with the aid of OBS and several slow-mo replays, this is exactly what a bunch of highly trained and experienced professionals whose job descriptions pretty much encapsulate the words ‘Attention to detail’ managed to do:

– The DM starts by completely forgetting to make the old Abelas ‘not unique’.

– The DM then mistakenly kills off Celdar instead of Abelas because all elves look alike <Must have been a subconscious thing. Well I guess that answers the ‘who is more salty’ question at least>.

– Captain Observant and The Detective both said “You’ve killed Elvira”.

– The DM, who hadn’t yet realised he had killed Celdar, and was looking right at Elvira said, somewhat testily, “You fuckers need to get your eyes checked”

– The DM realises he hasn’t made the original Abelas ‘not unique’ but, believing he has just deleted the original Abelas, places a new Abelas so he can right click it to make the change.

– Placing a new Abelas automatically deletes the old one. The DM doesn’t notice this and is now convinced that he must have previously correctly deleted Abelas as the original Abelas is no longer on the table. Confirmation bias is as much of a bitch as Karma is.

– Captain Observant and The Detective are adamant that the DM has killed Elvira.

– Jake and the DM both insist Elvira is still on the table.

– Mike starts reading out the mini-names he can see “Nope, Ive got Human Caster, Clay, Sirac… oh, no Elvira is there!”

– Mike is certain someone disappeared from behind Clay (he is right, they did it was Celdar).

– Jake is certain that was original Abelas (he is also right but that was after Celdar got disappeared).

– Briefly there were two Abelases on the table. Several people were quite upset about this, one is quite clearly more than enough.

– During all this it transpires that Captain Observant cannot see the grid squares on the map.

– The DM finally gets the unique mini situation sorted and we can get on with the session.

– No one at all has noticed that the Celdar mini is not on the board <sigh>

All of that took 7 minutes and the DM would like to thank everyone involved for making it possible.

Something is Missing…

The DM is a little worried about this fight as the party nearly got creamed by three ice frost giants last session and there’s a few more than that on this map, although they are spread out… mostly. As there are plenty of giants to go around the DM starts things off gently with a surprise attack opportunity.

As the deputies (and Mike) emerge from the canyon entrance onto the main map they see a ice frost giant nearby menacing a group of townsfolk. It is snowing quite heavily and visibility is somewhat reduced.

The DM points out several areas of the town where they can hear sounds of violence. Over to the west of them, someone is shouting and laughing very loudly.

The DM adds a griffin rider to represent Dasharra who is providing aerial support. Ok, it was a manticore because Talespire hasn’t put in griffins yet but its far from the worst mini-proxy the DM has ever used. Oh, this one flies too!

The DM measured 30ft from the unaware ice frost giant and placed some markers down and then invited his players to relocate themselves where they wanted as long as it was to the right of the markers “Please adjust yourselves as you see fit”.

• Kraj> There’s something missing from the map…
• <The DM notices and quickly slaps a Celdar mini down at the back>
• Kraj> You know that elf mini you deleted? That was me!
• <laughter>
• DM> <casually> Don’t know what you’re on about.
• Mike> <who saw what the DM did> Yeah, seems fine.
• DM> You’re right there, what’s wrong with you?
• Mike> Can you not see that Kraj?
• Jake> Wait, wot?!

I would apologise to Kraj but A) I wouldn’t mean it and B) He wouldn’t believe me even if I did mean it and C) Even if I did say I meant it, I still wouldn’t.

Roll initiative!

Surprise Mother<expletive deleted>!

• DM> Abelas?
• Abelas> <sigh> Two.
• <sniggers>

Dasharra, Elvira, Clay and Celdar kick off proceedings with ranged weapon attacks. Celdar missed, obviously. Must have been the missing grid squares. Abelas missed with his Firebolt too.

Regulus, of the stupidly high AC, punches the giant and hits. Now the giant has disadvantage if it attacks anyone but Regulus.

• DM> The giant attacks Regulus and launches two greataxe attacks…
• <The DM rolls an 11 and 18>
• <Worried noises occur>
• DM> And then… he realises that he is surprised and the didn’t hit!
• <laughter and some abuse>
• DM> A little DM troll there!

At this Mike realised that Abelas’ previously piss-poor effort to hit a giant the size of a house should have been made with advantage because of the surprise.

• DM> Oh yeah, he’s right, roll it now Jake.
• Abelas> Oh, I didn’t realise, I’ll do that…
• <Jake rolls a natural 20>
• Abelas> …Hey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist!
• DM> Fuck you! Fuck you Mike! Fuck you!
• <laughter>
• DM> <adopts his whiny player voice> It’s with advantage!
• <more laughter>
• DM> No, its fine. After last week the DM has a major guilt-trip going, so its fine.

They have so far managed to do 110 damage to a 138hp giant in one round. My, what a difference a week makes. It’s all down to Elvira, obviously.

The DM has Sirac move up and cast a rather spiffy spell. He proudly reads out the description and gets most of the way through it before he realises he’s actually reading a completely different spell <sigh>.

I thought Adam couldn’t make it?

Mike attacks with Elvira and hits with the first attack but the second goes a tad awry:

• Mikevira> Oh no! That actually missed… wait…
• <The DM can quite clearly hear what Mike is thinking: “Curving fucking arrow! I can still hit a gnome!”>
• Mikevira> <indicating the other ice frost giant in view> Right, is this one within 60ft?
• DM thinking> Has he gone completely fucking insane? He has no idea what is stood just beyond it!
• DM saying> <remarkably calmly> Are you sure you want to be aggroing another ice frost giant that is not currently in the fight?
• Mikevira> Yeah!
• DM> That’s the kind of thing I would expect from Adam, quite frankly.
• <shocked sounds>
• <laughter>

Thankfully Mike manages to shrug off Adam’s remote psychic influence and does not go ‘full Beaver’ and do something spectacularly fucking stupid and incredibly fucking rash.

Celdar steps up to bat, surely he will instil some structure on this round:

• Celdar> Right, longbow shot at my matey-boy, hopefully he dies this time…
• DM> We are talking about the giant right? And not Regulus… or Abelas?
• <Kraj rolls so low the dice added together wouldn’t have hit>
• Celdar> Oh for fuck sake!
• <laughter>
• Celdar> <sigh> Okay… cool.. glad I turned up for this.
• DM> The best bit is, if I’d done the thing I meant to do, I could have fixed that for you.
• Celdar> Right… so it’s your fault then?!
• DM> Yep, pretty much and after last night’s abomination of an end game run, I feel no remorse whatsoever.

Kraj was unimpressed. He’s also missed twice in a row now so good job.

• DM> Right, no pressure Clay but its the giant’s turn, he only has 12hp left but does 50 damage if he hits with both axe attacks.
• Celdar> <cheerily from way out of melee reach> Or a hundred if he crits again!
• Clay> No problem!
• Abelas> I get the feeling it is going to be a problem!
• <Clay moves up alongside the giant>
• Abelas> Er.. not to metagame or anything <Jake obviously goes straight ahead and metagames*> but couldn’t you flank?
• Clay> <as if explaining to a five year old> No because then I would need fifteen feet more movement.
• Abelas> Sheesh, these people with only thirty feet of movement speed.

*The DM doesn’t actually mind this as its something that could easily be communicated in combat, for example “Flank the fucker him you utter fuck-numpty comrade!”.

Clay does 24 damage with his first attack and flattens the giant.

Somewhere, out in the Kentish darkness, a hooded figure is concentrating on a crystal ball, sending psychic tendrils around the county. It is muttering “Do what Beaver would do!” over and over again. It is the only explanation I have for what is going on tonight.

Clay now wants to attack one of the other giants <sigh>

The DM is going to have to have a long chat with his players about view range next week. If you can just see a giant in the distance, you cannot see what is just beyond the giant, like his 5 mates. That was made up for illustrative purposes only, there’s no way the Storm King’s Thunder encounter designers would put a whole bunch of ice frost giants in really close proximity to each other at this level… right? Right.

Leader of Men! (and elves and genasi and soulless robots)

From where they are standing on the corpse of the recently slain ice frost giant, they can just make out two more giants through the snow. One is to the north, next to the inn, and another to the west.

Clay must have made a save against psychic influences because he is reluctantly persuaded to stand down and let everyone sneak up on the next victim.

Clay> As I don’t know what’s there I will wait for Abelas to lead us into battle against the chosen frost giant!

So for the second time this session we have narrowly avoided the players doing something spectacularly fucking stupid and incredibly fucking rash and so we drop out of combat and Dasharra flies up and scouts ahead. She reports two ice frost giants to the west, not one, and yet further west are two more. However, that pair are fighting each other and one of them is wearing a white dragon skull as a helmet!

See? Just a little patience.

And now I have Guns and Roses stuck in my head.

• Abelas> We should be making our way toward the friendly giant.
• Regulus> ‘friendly’ is possibly…
• Abelas> Well, he might not kill us on sight and he kills other frost giants so if we kill the other frost giant he might be more friendly.
• Celdar> But he kills them for sport and if we kill his sport we might piss him off.
• Abelas> Well we could go and see if he needs a hand!

So in a remarkably short space of time and yet still covering a remarkable number of non-issues, we had a plan! They are going to go kill the nearby two ice frost giants and then go see if Harshnag needs a hand.

Surprise Mother<expletive deleted>s!

The DM names the two ice frost giants Bill and Bob. He would have gone with Bill and Ben but only Mike would have gotten it and then he would have had to explain it and then he and Mike would have felt really, really old <sigh>.

Weeeed!

Sneaking into position is done and then Mikevira kicks things off by blinding Bob.

Celdar makes his third attempt of the session to hit something and actually manages it for a change. Quite remarkable. He still managed to fuck it up, obviously:

• <Celdar puts together his dice pool for the roll>
• Celdar> Oh shit, I rolled too many… there’s two d8s in this, my bad…
• DM> Just ignore one.
• Celdar> Okay..
• DM> We’ll just ignore the first one… <Celdar rolls a 3 & 8> We’ll just ignore the second one…

The DM chose… poorly.

Regulus attacks the surprised and blinded Bob with advantage and rolls two natural twenties! They still only count as one crit though.

Clay unleashes the Giantslayer once more, also against the blind, taunted Bob who now becomes the blinded, taunted, prone Bob. Oh, he also crits Bob because maybe Karma was feeling a tad guilty about what she did to Matt last week.

In the following exchange, I simply can’t do the timing and tone of voice of Jake’s first comment justice but it rendered Mike momentarily speechless:

• Matt> So that’s 33 damage…
• DM> Thirty fucking three?! <sigh> I’m not doubting you, but can you explain to me where all that comes from? I need to get it right in my head.
• <Matt gently reminds the DM that the Giantslayer does bonus damage and the crit applies to that as well>
• DM> Oh yep, cool!
• Mike> So the Giantslayer does an extra 2d6 damage? Nice.
• Jake> To giants.
• Mike> Ye… I… obv… <sigh>
• <hysterical laughter>
• Jake> Just in case you weren’t aware!
• DM> <Announcer voice> Aaaand today’s Stating the Blindingly Obvious prize goes to… Abelaaaaas!
• Jake> My robot friend..
• DM> “soulless” robot friend…
• Jake> My soulless robot friend sometimes retains weird information and sometimes gets things wrong!

It’s the giants turn and the DM gets Bob back on his feet and turns him to attack the soulless robot:

• Soulless Robot> Er.. Gary, is he still surprised?
• DM> I thought we had the surprise round?
• Everyone> No, it’s still the first round.
• DM> <sigh> Oh for…
• <Bob executes the surprise emote and turns back around>

Abelas moves into spell range:

• Abelas> I will cast another Firebolt… at Bob!
• DM> What did Bob ever do to you?
• <Abelas rolls an 18>
• Regulus> <with utter weariness> With advantage…
• Abelas> <cheerily> Oh yeah! Thank you Mike!
• <laughter, Abelas rolls a 7>
• Abelas> Screw you Mike!
• <more laughter>

Abelas does exactly the amount of damage he needed to take down poor Bob who never did anything to anyone… if you discount the odd bit of pillage and murder here and there.

Sirac casts Faerie Fire on Bill giving everyone advantage against him so he will be incredibly easy to hit right? Right.

Dice are still Chaotic Evil

• DM> So Bill is on minus 42, is blind and yet gleaming. Celdar? Can you miss something that is 30ft tall and basically on fire?
• Celdar> Challenge accepted! Longbow shot…
• <He misses>
• <Suppressed laughter>
• Celdar> <deeply depressed> Yes, yes I can miss it <sigh>.
• Mike> That’s incredible!
• Celdar> <laughing> Like… fuck this game sometimes.
• Matt> And still you’re having a better week than I did last week!
• DM> Yeah, we’ve been doing this a long time, it’s not D&D it’s dice. Dice are agents of chaos.
• Jake> Random chance can go fuck itself.
• DM> The Lords of Probability are hiding under the table.

Anyone who says “You make your own luck” has clearly never played D&D or cards for money.

There was now a discussion on whether Bill, being a rather tall ice frost giant, blinded to anything further than 5ft, can see his ‘gentleman sausage’ or not.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Clay asked what the flanking bonus was but while he was asking it there was background noise that reconfirmed the DM’s long held lack of regret for not having had children.

Bill got two attacks off against Regulus, the highest was a 26 (17+9). Regulus shielded and got 27 AC so Bill missed. The DM is starting to have serious misgivings about this now.

When a CR8 creature, that is supposed to be a challenge to an entire group of level 8 adventurers (and Jake), gets taunted at the threat of disadvantage by merely being hit, and then has to roll an 18 just to hit the taunter… it is trivialising a big chunk of content.

Now Mike is just making the most out of the way the game is designed and there are counters but they would involve the DM completely redesigning every combat encounter around one player. I’m not entirely certain what the consequences of that are… but we’re gonna find out! Bwahahahahahah!

Speaking of ridiculously overpowered:

Harshnag the Grim

The deputies (and Mike) approach the two battling ice frost giants on the west side of town. Harshnag is rather bigger than a typical frost giant and he is wearing plate armour. He is also wielding a very large axe.

As the party approaches, Harshnag cleaves the opposing giant in half and calls out to the nearby gnome civilians “Begone little folk! This is not the place for you right now”. He then turns and walk over to the group, squints down at them and levels his axe at each in turn “Ah, the mighty Clay who fights nearly naked! Mistress Elvira, sharpshooter extraordinaire! And you must be Mister Regoolas, the famous wagon maker! And Abelarse, the one who falls off the wagon!” He looks at Celdar and says “I don’t know you” and then to everyone “I hear you have been looking for me?”

The DM let them all flounder about for a while trying to remember what exactly the main quest was that the fate of the entire world rested upon. You know, the one that has been at the start of every write up since episode 6 and we are now on episode 34 <sigh>

• Abelarse> Eye of the All Father feels…
• Mister Regoolas> Yes! That was it, we seek a guide to the Eye of the All-Father to help dealing with the Ordning!
• Harshnag> <laying bait> Who told you to find me?
• Mister Regoolas> <taking bait> Er.. I thought Claugiyliamater told us…
• Harshnag> You know her name?!
• <laughter>
• Harshnag> You must be the chosen one!
• Mister Regoolas> <laughing> I have heard that before yes!
• DM> He kneels down and whispers… a whisper than can probably be heard a mile away, “Chazluath is a bit of a dick isn’t he?”
• Mister Regoolas> Yes, yes he is!
• Harshnag> But he is very good at what he does.

Harshnag is quite willing to guide the adventurers (and Jake) to The Eye of the All-Father but he has an urgent mission in Waterdeep and has to go there first. First though, the town must be cleared of ice frost giants.

• DM> Right then, Harshnag has joined your party!
• <cheers>
• DM> Matt…
• <laughter>
• Mike> Aren’t you glad Matt that you didn’t take Joffrey?

Actually, it wouldn’t have mattered because we chose to end it there.

Harshnag’s stats and the details on his axe are in post session guff.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – What dastardly plan will the DM come up with to counter Mr 27AC?
• – Will Matt manage to get Harshang killed and doom the world?
• – Will Celdar bother to hit anything?
• – What blindingly obvious fact will Abelarse inform the others of?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

Harshnag

21AC, 254HP*, Speed 40ft.

Melee – Two axe attacks at +11 to-hit for 26 slashing damage each (39 against humans (like Joffrey))

Ranged – One boulder throw (60/240) at +11 to-hit for 35 damage. Has advantage against Druids who have cast Tidal Wave within the last turn.

As an action, Harshnag can cast a version of the heat metal spell (save DC 13) that deals cold damage instead of fire damage. Once this power is used, it can’t be used again until the next dawn.

*Harshnag’s hit points and ranged damage have been increased because the DM has tinkered somewhat with the campaign levelling.

Gurt’s Greataxe

Weapon (greataxe), legendary (requires attunement)

In the Year of the Icy Axe (123 DR), the frost giant lord Gurt fell to Uthgar Gardolfsson—leader of the folk who would become the Uthgardt barbarians—in a battle that marked the ascendance of humankind over the giants in the Dessarin Valley. Gurt’s greataxe was buried in Morgur’s Mound until it was unearthed and brought back to Waterdeep. After laying in the city’s vaults for decades, the axe was given to Harshnag, a frost giant adventurer, in recognition of his service to Waterdeep. Uthgardt barbarians recognize the weapon on sight and attack any giant that wields it.

You gain a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon. It is sized for a giant, weighs 325 pounds, and deals 3d12 slashing damage on a hit, plus an extra 2d12 slashing damage if the target is human.

The axe sheds light as a torch when the temperature around it drops below 0 degrees Fahrenheit. The light can’t be shut off in these conditions.

As an action, you can cast a version of the heat metal spell (save DC 13) that deals cold damage instead of fire damage. Once this power is used, it can’t be used again until the next dawn.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Adam as Joffrey the Schizophrenic Shape Shifter – It’s got to be just three carrots and a leek hasn’t it?
• Kraj as Celdar; One With The Bush – Where the fuck is Elvira?
• Jake as A.D.D.belas the Existential Philosopher – You ever wonder if you were the baddies?
• Matt as Clay the One-Turn Wonder – I cast Expeditious Retreat and instead of retreating, I charge!
• With:
• Gary as the DM – I’m fairly sure being slapped in the face by a giant soggy tentacle counts as a distraction!
• And not:
• Elvira – The hero they decided they simply didn’t need.
• Regulus – Because Joffrey said he would tank.

Author’s Note: The DM was having yet more heath issues and was rather sleep deprived. This was just one step on the road to potential disaster. There were plenty more! Also, the DM has bolded the frost in frost giant for reasons that will become apparent.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants and ended up (eventually) in Bryn Shander.

Pre-session Guff

Kraj informed the DM that his level 8 spell choice was Find Familiar. So that’s going to be unnecessarily tedious and chaotic going forwards.

The DM gave a few examples of what happened when Adam had summoned things in the past.

Kraj informed the DM that he wouldn’t be taking Find Familiar and would pick something else instead. Seems the DM succeeded on his Intimidation roll.

Adam arrived on time. I blame this for everything that followed… except for the one big thing that was clearly Jake’s fault.

The Afghanistan cluster fuck was discussed, aided by some memes in the Discord channel.

• DM> Right, Matt’s not here, calling it off, see you next week!
• <Matt arrives>
• Jake> Perfect timing!
• <laughter>
• Matt> Hello! Why was my timing so perfect?
• DM> I’ll tell you in the write up!
• Jake> Fair warning, in about five minutes, my shopping is turning up.
• DM> Oh ffs!
• Matt> Fail!
• Adam> <unintelligible but clearly abusive comment>
• Jake> I told them to deliver it at half five!
• DM> No, no, let’s sum this up: there are SEVEN days in a week, SIX of them don’t have D&D happening on them!

Jake could offer no good reason why he had chosen D&D day and D&D time for his grocery delivery beyond “Muh pizza!” which normally would actually be a great excuse but as we know in Jake’s case “Muh pizza!” is a margherita and not really pizza at all.

Kraj paid Adam a mild compliment and Adam had to think about what he said for a good few seconds thinking it was an insult.

All the player’s TTS pings shot up and turned orange, indicating an issue on the DM’s end. No por.. er, ‘data’ downloads were running but Steam was updating My Little Pony Online in the background and the DM had to reluctantly pause it.

• DM> I haven’t slept properly in a good few days. This might be a short one.
• Kraj> Wheeeey!
• <silence>
• <more silence>
• <tumble-weed looked like it was about to blow across but then decided it just couldn’t be arsed and went home>
• DM> That was not funny.
• Kraj> Did no one else get that?! Aww!
• DM> I think that was up there with “I thought you were playing a harp but it was a whistle”.

Matt embraced the abuse for having not turned up for six months and then gave Jake shit for going to pick up his shopping.

Some time later:

• DM> How long does vegan shopping take to get in?
• Adam> It’s got to be just three carrots and a leek hasn’t it?
• Jake> Right, I’m back, sorry!
• Matt> And some halloumi fries!
• Adam> And Haribo!
• Jake> Why do I sense some form of mockery?
• DM> I’m surprised you didn’t hear it from the front door. Frankly, I’m surprised the delivery man wasn’t laughing at you too.

Interestingly the DM had no idea how to spell halloumi and has no intention of ever typing it again now that he been forced to find out.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “My local cleric told me I’d live ten years longer if I went vegetarian. I told him I was already two hundred and twelve and what was the point of living ten years longer if you have to eat shit all the time?! WHERE’S THE BEEF?!”

FFS Jake!

Loot from the big fight at the gate was duly looted, giving the players that were present about 500g each. The DM asked Jake to divide up the spoils but Jake couldn’t and didn’t want to try.

The DM then went and blamed the entire state of the planet today on Jake because if people could do basic maths they would realise the absolute bollocks they are being told.

They decided to keep the horn and put it on the wagon and Adam started wibbling at the DM about mounting options. The DM politely asked him to STFU as that was a ‘next week’ problem and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with bollocks tonight:

• DM> <laughing> I know that’ a really bad state of mind for a DM!
• Jake> Are you sure you want to do D&D?
• DM> As sad it it sounds, this is currently the highlight of my week so, while I’m really not in the mood for it, we are damn well doing it anyway!

As before in both Triboar and Bryn Shander, a number of people approached the party and offered quests.

Quest 1 – Augrek, the deputy from the gate, wants then to go see her uncle in Ironmaster and get him to send some dorfs to defend Bryn Shander. They are warned to wait at the entrance to the area as non-dwarfs are not tolerated in Ironmaster.

• DM> I’ve put down a quest light and for Jake’s supercomputer that can’t see the lights, I have put down a flag.
• Jake> I don’t know why!
• DM> You have a supercomputer but it can’t display lights?
• Jake> It’s a fucking TTS thing! It’s not the computer!
• Adam> I can see the lights.
• Matt> <gleefully> I can see the lights and I’m running on a potato!
• Adam> Clearly the only consistent thing here is the computer.
• DM> I’m pretty sure I could load this up on my phone and see the lights…

Quest 2 – The sheriff approaches the party and asks them to patrol along the river following the frost giants retreat and to ensure they aren’t coming back. The adventurers (and Jake) can return when they have had an encounter with the frost giants.

The sheriff deputises the adventurers (and Jake) or at least the ones that turned up, and offers a reward for any frost giant heads they bring back. Badges are provided and they each now officially gain the title Deputy of Bryn Shander that they can put on their character sheets. Except Adam who admitted to stuffing up the city name so he is now presumably a deputy of Byrn Shindar or something similar. That’s not a bad character name actually…

• Adam> So next week when Mike turns up we shall refer to everybody as Deputy.
• DM> Okay, we are doing that again are we?
• <Enthusiastic agreement occurred>
• <spoilers, everyone forgot <sigh>>

Quest 3 – Beldora, the Harper contact, wanted the group to travel back to Hundlestone and tell another Harper with the unfortunate name of Thwip Ironbottom what transpired here. Thwip is a gnome.

It is not much of a quest but it does have a reward. It isn’t much of a reward but the DM must have accidentally forgotten to tell the players that.

Quest 4 – Sir Baric Nyleaf wanders over and calls out “You magnificent bastards! Well I’m off home because I’ve been stuck in this shit hole for far too long! Should you find yourselves in Waterdeep, be sure to look in on my old friend Sir Lanniver. He mentioned he was having some problems down there and could use the help of a few hardened adventurers such as yourselves.”

They also have a sort of quest in Fireshear but the DM, through masterfully subtle manipulation, persuaded the players not to go there until they did the patrol. The messaging was so subliminal I doubt they were even aware of it:

• DM> So don’t go to fucking Fireshear yet! I mean you can, but you really shouldn’t.
• Jake> Okay, so we’ll go to Hundlestone then Ironmaster then do the patrol?
• <general agreement>
• Adam> That decision was made really quick.
• DM> Amazing isn’t it?
• Jake> It’s because there’s only four of us.

Hmm. You know why!

Hundlestone

Having just arrived in Icewind Dale, they now walked back out of it and went back to Hundlestone, met Thwip Ironbottom, told him the news and were rewarded with a magical clockwork pet <redacted> that would follow them around.

• Kraj> We don’t have a good history of companions trying to follow us around a map do we?
• Adam> No. <a penny drops> What happened to my bushes and trees?!
• <laughter>
• DM> Oh, they are out there. I’m throwing this out now because it will be pertinent a bit later. You have been moving around at a fair clip so you have been difficult to track. The trees know where you are but haven’t been able to catch up to where you are because you keep moving.

The DM asked anyone who was interested in the clockwork <redacted> to roll a D20. No one wanted it so the group decision was to dump it on Regulus and then lie about it.

Everyone wanted the clockwork <redacted> and they all rolled for it. The DM rolled for Regulus and got a natural 20! Everyone else was really disappointed.

At this point it became a clockwork gnome, permanently bonded to him and seemingly indestructible. Well done everyone involved in making that happen.

Ironmaster

The dwarven city of Ironmaster is perched at the western edge of Icewind Dale, where the Shaengarne River flows into the Sea of Moving Ice. The city is nestled in a great cleft where the Shaengarne rushes to the sea. Its stone towers rise like spikes from the valley floor, and the rooms and passages of Ironmaster weave in and out of never-melting ice and the stone of the valley walls. Mining tunnels extend from the valley walls far below the tundra, providing the dwarves with an apparently limitless supply of iron.

Ironmaster is populated exclusively by dwarves. Members of other races are forbidden to set foot in Ironmaster Vale. Great stone menhirs marked with the city’s arms — a red anvil on a grey diamond standing on end — are arranged in a perimeter around the vale to warn away travellers who stray too close.

They decided to wait at a menhir instead of trespassing into the territory of the racists.

There was some Dwarf Lives Matter banter that will not be reproduced because of the wonderful free society we currently don’t live in.

The adventurers (and Jake) were now obsessed with meeting Thwip Ironbottom who was not the dwarf uncle but the gnome they met in Hundlestone literally two fucking minutes ago!

<sigh>

The uncle (why even bother with his name?) thanked them, said he would take the matter to the Ironmaster council and rewarded each of the players with a 100gp gem.

Off we went on patrol in Icewind Dale.

Patrol in Icewind Dale

Big lore fill-in section, skip if you want.

Icewind Dale has snow, ice, and freezing temperatures in abundance. The sun never rises far above the horizon even at the height of summer — and the height of summer is a fleeting thing. Winter here is long and ruthless.

Icewind Dale is surrounded by perilous terrain. The ice cliffs of the Reghed Glacier rise up in the east like prison walls. The towering, snow-capped peaks of the Spine of the World loom to the south. To the north and west, the Sea of Moving Ice churns bergs and floes in an endless tumult, like winter grinding its teeth in anticipation of its next freezing assault. Between these formidable obstacles lies windswept tundra dotted with settlements and the occasional small forest or stand of trees.

A singular mountain called Kelvin’s Cairn rises from the heart of Icewind Dale. During the summer, snow from Kelvin’s Cairn flows into three mineral-rich lakes: Maer Dualdon, Lac Dinneshere, and Redwaters. By midsummer, Icewind Dale shakes off the torpor of winter and comes forth in full flower. Grasses grow two or three feet high in the span of weeks. Birds flock to the marshes formed by the thawing soil, and reindeer calves fill out the herds that diminished in the winter.

Reghed barbarians follow the reindeer herds as they migrate across Icewind Dale, and dwarf miners haunt the caves and tunnels under Kelvin’s Cairn, rarely emerging except to trade ore for food. Most of Icewind Dale’s inhabitants, however, live in ten permanent settlements collectively known as Ten-Towns:

The walled town of Bryn Shander, which lies at the northern end of the Ten Trail, is the first stop for most visiting merchants and traders and by far the largest of the ten communities.

The hunting and fishing villages of Bremen, Targos, Termalaine, and Lonelywood line the shores of Maer Dualdon, which feeds into the Shaengarne River and holds seemingly countless numbers of knucklehead trout.

The villages of Dougan’s Hole and Good Mead stand a few miles apart on the north shore of Redwaters which, contrary to its name, sparkles emerald green during the day and silver in the evening.

The town of Easthaven and, nestled among the foothills of Kelvin’s Cairn, the villages of Caer-Dineval and Caer-Konig hug the shores of Lac Dinneshere, which freezes in winter.

The population of Ten-Towns is composed mostly of humans and dwarves, with the humans outnumbering the dwarves roughly twenty to one. In times of great peril, the leaders of Ten-Towns, known as town speakers, meet at Bryn Shander to discuss solutions to their problems. If one of the smaller settlements comes under attack by a threat too great to overcome, its inhabitants are trained to flee to Bryn Shander and take shelter behind its walls.

There are eight random encounters and the DM decided to have the players roll. Just for reference, this is what they are rolling for. Note that just because something is listed, it isn’t automatically a fight. Which is rather a good thing if they roll a 1:

• 1 – Ancient White Dragon
• 2-5 – Crag Cats
• 6-8 – Frost Giants
• 9-12 – Reghed Barbarians
• 13-15 – Giant Elk
• 16-17 – Ten Towns Scouts
• 19-19 – Yeti Pack
• 20 – Young Remorhaz

Rolling a 1 is obviously the pick of the bunch but Adam looked up a picture of a young remorhaz and rather regretted it.

Jake was the first on the list and he rolled… a 6 <sigh> Well that was two sessions of content just pissed away. Thanks Jake!

Fucker.

The adventurers (and Jake) encountered three frost giants walking along the bank shore beach of the river (we are up north after all).

Pucker Factor = 4

The DM Needs to Explain Something

Frost Giants have 15AC, 138 Hit points, get a single ranged attack that deals 28 damage or two greataxe attacks that deal 25 damage each, both types of attack have a +9 to hit. They are also CR8 which indicates that a single giant will be a threat to a party of four level 8 adventurers, however the adventurers are supposed to get through 5 or 6 encounters a day. As this is the sole encounter, they can throw everything at the giants.

Balancing combat in D&D is a bit of an art form and, from time to time, the DM gets it all wrong or the players play it all wrong. I have a fairly simple philosophy on this; if the DM fucked it up, it’s best not to let the players die because of it. However, if the players fucked it up, it is time for some memorials and a re-roll.

Right from the start of this encounter, the DM got a squirrelly feeling that something was wrong due to a few factors:

• A. We only had four players.
• B. The DM was really tired.
• C. We were ‘winging it’ to a certain extent.
• D. Kobold Fight Club was down.

The first three got us into it, the last one stopped us getting out of it. At least out of it early enough to matter. Consequently the DM had to do a bit of dancing on this one, as you will see.

Also the DM figured as these were giants from the fight at Bryn Shander they, and their armour, were a bit damaged and they had 1 less AC and 20 less HP than normal.

Roll Initiative!

• DM> It seems summer in a loft conversion is not the best place to leave a dry-wipe board with writing on it. Oh well, its nothing a wet-wipe can’t fix.
• Adam> Is Jake going to to fix it for you?
• DM> <genuinely> That was a bit uncalled for…
• Jake> <mournfully> What the…?

Initiative was rolled and that squirrelly feeling the DM had suddenly got a lot stronger. Karma from the above conversation may have played a part in the rolls with Joffrey only getting a 4 and the giants going first. This was going to hurt and so the DM attempted to mitigate it a bit:

• DM> Would you like either Regulus or Elvira to have accompanied you on this journey?
• Adam> <dismissively> No, they aren’t deputies!
• Matt> No, we can do this!
• <remember that>
• Jake> Gary, in your professional opinion do you think we might need them?
• DM> I genuinely have no idea… hang on, give me a sec.
• Adam> Kobold Fight Club! The way I see it, if they didn’t turn up and we died, our new characters can hold it over them for the rest of the campaign!
• Jake> I agree! Continue!
• Kraj> There’s a good chance that me and Jake might roll better on new characters.
• Jake> But I just got my Moonblade!

Some excerpts from the discussion that followed while the DM was setting up:

• – A red pen for this one… red like your blood on the snow!
• – Level 8 is pretty strong!
• – We have all of our resources as well!
• – I can throw a lot of shit at these people!
• – If we are going to die, I don’t want to die to some wussed-out version!
• – Its fine, we’ll live!

• Abelas> I have a lot of escape. If someone without a lot of escape wants to stay by me to get teleported out..
• Clay> How about you stay by me when I charge?
• Abelas> I aint going anywhere near those giants!
• Celdar> You can Moonblade from back here?!
• Abelas> I have 42 hit points!
• Celdar> I have one more!

The players that turned up declined to take along the characters of those that did not.

• Joffrey> Whoever dies in this battle has to come back as a gnome though!
• Abelas> Deal!
• Celdar> Deal!
• Clay> Deal!
• DM> <muttering> Hey-Zeus Aithch fucking…
• Joffrey> Right, Fireball on us yeah?

Jake spent five minutes ranting bemoaning the fact that he picked the most stat diverse wizard class, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he rolled spectacularly crap stats in nearly every category. He actually started arguing that he should do the same damage as a fighter since he too was in melee.. sorry ‘meelee’ (we are up north!) and the realised that full meelee damage with Fireballs was a bit stupid and that he had argued himself round in a circle and then into a big hole. Well done Jake, I lol’d. “I want the power but not the consequences!” Don’t we all?

On Me Head!

A giant throws a boulder at Joffrey and hits:

• DM> That is 28 blunt damage.
• <slightly shocked silence>
• Celdar> <a tad unsympathetically> You did say you were going to tank!
• Joffrey> I am, I can take two more of those!

The next giant threw a rock at Celdar with disadvantage due to range. The DM rolled a 20 and a 19. “Well fuck!” exclaimed the squished rogue. Celdar used uncanny dodge to halve the damage.

The last giant threw a rock at Clay with disadvantage. The DM rolled a low die of 11 but the giants get +9 to hit. It hit Clay.

Three boulders thrown, two at disadvantage, all three hit. Yeah, this was starting to look bad.

Pucker Factor 6.

• Kraj> Where the fuck is Elvira?
• DM> Would you like to add Elvira to this fight?
• Adam> No!
• Matt> No!
• Kraj> Sheeeeit…
• DM> Jake?
• Jake> We must adventure!
• DM> <sigh>
• Jake> Oh <heathen deity> This is that really stupid thing that Gary always talks about! We are going to die!
• Kraj> But the DM is in a great sympathetic mood!
• <I actually was, otherwise this would have been much, much worse 🙂 >

Maximum Effort

• DM> Clay?
• Clay> I cast Expeditious retreat and instead of retreating, I charge!
• Abelas> Oh Hey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist Matt!
• DM> Well you aren’t going to beat them at range…
• Abelas> I know, I admire the bravery!

Clay goes in hard with the Giant Slayer Battleaxe. He hit a 118HP giant for 11 damage. His second attack also hits for a further 17 damage and knocks it prone. ACTIONNNNN SUUUUUURGE!

Before Clay could make his second round of attacks, things started going a bit pear shaped:

• Abelas> I have a plan!
• <groans>

Clay then misses by quite a lot and then hit by quite a lot for a further 25 damage. That was a pretty damn fine first turn from the Battlemaster there. Things were looking good!

Pucker Factor = 5

• DM> What are you going to do Celdar, that’s going to save the day?
• Celdar> Umm…
• Abelas> I’m about to do something which will either work perfectly or do nothing!

Celdar now wants to hide behind a stick-thin tree in the middle of an open plain. Because obviously, once you step behind it, the giants will have no idea whatsoever where you are, will they? <sigh>

Celdar just about made it to the tree line where there’s a bit more shrubbery. He failed the stealth check anyway. He did however, nail a sneak attack on the giant that Clay flattened despite the roll being made at disadvantage because the giant was prone. Good shot!

• Celdar> Okay that is… six.. nine damage!
• DM> <sounding very weary indeed> Sneak attack.
• Celdar> Oh yeah!
• DM> <sigh> that was the point of shooting that one in the first place!
• Celdar> It was!

Hey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist.

Abelas proudly announces he is about to cast… Evards Black Tentacles!

The DM yawned.

But he was very tired.

Abelas very, very carefully measured out a 20ft sphere to hit two giants and miss Clay:

• Abelas> Squirming, ebony tentacles fill a 20-foot square… OH FUCK!
• <much hilarity ensues>
• Abelas> Just pretend its a square!

Evard’s Black Tentacles – Squirming, ebony tentacles fill a 20-foot square on ground that you can see within range. For the duration, these tentacles turn the ground in the area into difficult terrain.

When a creature enters the affected area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there, the creature must succeed on a Dexterity saving throw or take 3d6 bludgeoning damage and be restrained by the tentacles until the spell ends. A creature that starts its turn in the area and is already restrained by the tentacles takes 3d6 bludgeoning damage.

A creature restrained by the tentacles can use its action to make a Strength or Dexterity check (its choice) against your spell save DC. On a success, it frees itself.

Restrained – A restrained creature’s speed becomes 0, and it can’t benefit from any bonus to its speed. Attack rolls against the creature have advantage, and the creature’s attack rolls have disadvantage. The creature has disadvantage on Dexterity saving throws.

We really should have read that Restrained bit at the time…

• Abelas> Er… that’s not actually going to stop them throwing rocks…
• Joffrey> <flatly> No.
• Abelas> Oh well, I’m just going to keep going!
• <The DM is picturing Mike’s face when he reads this bit of the write-up>

The DM marks out the tentacle are with lamp posts. Later in the session he remembered something and we got this:

Summoned and Unsummoned

Joffrey summons a fire elemental! The DM put the marginally awesome large elemental from the Monster Manual on the table. The DM then takes that one off the table when it transpires that Druid versions are a bit shittier than the actual real, proper versions.

• Adam> Oh, the fire elemental can move through an opening 1 inch wide…
• DM> No, no, no, no, no…
• Adam> How big is a giant’s…
• DM> No!

Adam proudly explains the fire elemental stats to everyone, turns into Panic Snake and has the fire elemental attack giant 1 (the one not in the tentacles) for 26 damage whilst explaining how chuffed he is that the spells scales so well.

The giant hit the fire elemental with its greataxe twice for 50 damage and unsummoned it with extreme prejudice.

<shocked silence>

Pucker Factor = 8

Well That Happened…

Giant 3, the one Clay knocked down, picked himself up and attacked Clay twice with a greataxe. The DM rolled a 10 and a 20.

• DM> Oooh!
• Abelas> Jey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist!
• Kraj> Fuuuuck!

Clay’s AC is 18 and the giants get +9 to hit so with the crit Clay wears three greataxe attacks for 75 damage. Seventy. Five. Damage. That’ll make anyone’s eyes water.

FIGHTER DOWN!

<shocked silence>

Pucker Factor 10!

At this point we all remembered the tentacles and the fuck up happened <sigh>

What should have happened: at the start of the giant’s turn they make a save for the tentacles, they both failed the save, they both take damage from the tentacles, they are both now restrained and they both now attack with disadvantage.

What actually happened: the first giant attacked normally, then we remembered the tentacles, then they failed the save then they took the damage. And that was it.

Shit.

Sorry Matt!

Abelas> They take 17 damage each… which actually isn’t that bad! And they are restrained. Which doesn’t help Matt at all.

It actually would have helped Matt rather a lot but the tired DM missed it entirely.

News Alert: And now a short message from our commander in chief, DM Biden:

“My fellow D&Ders, as the person in charge of this operation I take full and total personal responsibility for these unfortunate events. I am responsible! But it was all Trump’s Ableas’ fault! C’mon man!”

The DM promptly attempts to move the second giant, only to be reminded (again) that it was restrained by Jake who read out the all of the effects of Restrained except the bit about attacking at disadvantage <sigh>

The restrained giant used its action that it was going to spend throwing a large rock at Joffrey’s face to instead try and break free. It scored a 14! Alas, Abelas finally now has a spell save of 15. It was just meant to be.

• Jake> I feel Gary is going easy one us because he just one-tapped Clay!
• DM> I’m actually feeling really sorry for Matt; its the first time he’s got to play in ages, he got one attack chain off and then got flattened!

The only ‘healer’ they have is Joffrey and he can’t cast heal spells in Panic Snake form and he goes just before the giants. Clay goes just after so even if Joffrey does heal Clay, a giant is highly likely to just twat him unconscious again.

Kraj became the new Christina as Jake and Adam spent approximately 17 hours planning dropping shapes and healing and concentration when it was neither of their turns. Eventually Celdar does manage a sneak attack against a giant because as the DM put it “I’m fairly sure being slapped in the face by a giant soggy tentacle counts as a distraction”.

Abelas drops a Vitriolic Square Sphere on all three giants. Two of the giants pissed all over the save from a great height, much to Abelas’ disgust, but he managed a 30 damage roll out of max possible 40, so that was nice.

This is not the time nor the place for an existential crisis!

The middle giant next to Clay, who now has three hit points left, drops his axe and looks like he is about to run away. Just as things are starting to go well, Jake the unadventrous has a crisis of faith and starts to question his very reason for existing:

• Jake> So they’re not trying to kill us? Just FYI.
• <I have no idea what this meant>
• Jake> What are we doing here?
• <Ah, man’s, or in this case elf’s eternal question: why are we here and what are we doing? Mybe Drikk can help us out on this one: “YOU ARE FIGHTIN’ GIANTS FOR PHAT LOOT AND MAD EXPEES, BUTTERCUP!! GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!>
• Jake> I realise that this is the wrong time to be asking this…
• <Then don’t, duh>
• Jake> …but why are we patrolling here? Is it just looking out for ice giants?
• <I.. <sigh> first of all it is fucking FROST giants. It has been fucking FROST giants tangentially (great word!) since the start of the fucking campaign and then quite intensely for the last two fucking sessions! Secondly, maybe you should consider paying a little bit more fucking attention when the party is accepting quests from people!>

So, having got past his existential crisis of “Who am I, why am I here and why does the DM suddenly hate me so much?” Jake now moves on to another existential crisis having, apparently, completely forgotten what happened in last week’s session (and a bit of the one before) <sigh>.

• Jake> You ever wonder if you were the baddies?
• <The DM now has a headache to go along with the fatigue. There’s also a sizeable dent in his desk.>
• DM> <deep, deep sigh>They just attacked the fucking town!
• Jake> Oh yeah!

Hey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist, I’m just going to call him TLDRbelas for the rest of the campaign session… or maybe ADDbelas, yeah, that’s a good one!

DM> <with a really slight, barely perceptible trace of sarcasm> You could always run back to town, hand Bryn Shander over to the frost giants and request the griffon lady get you an air evac from the embassy. That might not go down too well with the locals that get left behind though. Oh and you’ll have to hand over all your weapons too.

Having spent his last turn becoming Panic Snake, Joffrey now sadly stops being Panic Snake. He casts Blight or some such Druidic spell (I can’t be arsed to go back and listen again!) on the upper giant. The DM rolls a 20 for the save but it still took 16 damage.

Dominwhatnow?

The upper giant fails the save and is still restrained. A glimmer of light has appeared in the darkness. The giant that dropped his axe busts out of the tentacles and runs away. The lower giant is so disgusted with him for doing this, he moves and attacks the coward! He missed with both attacks. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

The DM had been reading the section on ice frost giant society and felt that was justified. The added bonus was the two giants are now considered to be hostile to each other so Celdar gets a high-damage sneak attack in against the high-health lower giant.

ADDbelas drops a mediocre Fireball on all three giants and kills the runner and the upper giant.

• ADDbelas> <rather pompously> To show my domination, I come out from behind my cover!
• <disbelieving laughter>
• Celdar> “To show my domination”?!
• <more laughter>

It was now noticed that the last giant had walked into the tentacles. It was generally agreed that the giant would have seen the giant black sloppy tendrils of doom and wouldn’t have been so stupid as to walk right into them so his position was adjusted.

With only one giant left the pucker factor has subsided significantly. Clay spent yet another turn on the floor though. The last giant decided to repay ADDbelas’ pomposity with a boulder to the face but the pussy shielded instead of taking it like a man elf.

Celdar steps up and longbows the lone ice frost giant but there’s no allies next to it so no sneak attack damage:

• Celdar> At the risk of being called a dick, don’t I get sneak attack from being hidden?
• DM> You’re a dick!
• Celdar> <sigh>
• DM> <reluctantly> But yes, you are hidden and yes, you do get sneak attack damage.

ADDbelas realises that taunting something that can one-shot you on a crit was probably not the brightest idea, panics slightly and drops a 23 point Lightning Bolt on a ice frost giant that only had 6 hit points left. The last giant falls to the floor.

And relax.

Giant heads are chopped off and hung on the wagon and they all piled into Kraj’s bush to have some tea and eat some biscuits (short rest) and then they headed back to town.

The DM commiserated with Matt on his outstanding Matt style session. Matt pointed out that “We don’t play D&D to roll dice, we play D&D to listen to people take the piss out of Jake and Adam!”

Entitlement

On return to town they are met by a very happy sheriff who pays them 100 gold per head and rewards each of them with the title ‘Defender of Icewind Dale’. They also retain their deputy status.

The sheriff promises to spread the word of their heroism throughout Ten Towns and as long as they don’t sully their reputation, they will be treated to the highest hospitality anywhere in the region.

The next day the Speaker returns and they are granted an audience with her. She thanks them again and gifts them a letter to her aunt who is the captain of a ship called the Dancing Wave. This will allow them charter the ship for free should they A) need a ship and B) be able to find the Dancing Wave.

• DM> Okay, I’ll just do a little bit of the last quest…
• Adam> I have to shoot off, sorry Gary.
• DM> Well fuck you, we’ll do it next week then!

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Clay make more than one attack?
• – Will ADDbelas remember who is is, where he is and why he is there?
• – How much will they rub the ‘Deputy’ titles in Mike’s face?

Tune in next week to find out!

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Adam as Joffrey AKA Mr Tidal Wave – Every good turn starts with “Oh fuck it!”
• Mike as Regulus AKA Mr Attack of Opportunity Crit – Oh fuck it!
• Kraj as Celdar AKA Mr Who? – Oh, hang on… I fucked it!
• Jake as Abelas AKA Mr Suck – I don’t like that you know that!
• Christina as Elvira AKA Miss Bendy – That’s not much use now is it?!
• With:
• Gary as the DM – Cunts.

Author’s Note: This entire session is one big fight so I’ll try and skip over the blow by blow stuff and focus on the abuse banter instead. This is not supposed to be a particularly testing fight, despite how it looked, so the DM went to some lengths to get Drufi, the giant leader, to stay in range of the player’s attacks.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants and ended up (eventually) in Bryn Shander.

Pre-session Guff

The DM forgot to start OBS to record the session (again) and so had to hurriedly get it up and then recap the funny (again).

• DM> Well that’s just a tragedy!
• Jake> No it’s good!
• DM> Future Gary; Jake said “after I had my nose done” and then you said “Wait, your nose looks like that after it was done?!” and then Jake said “Fuck you!” and then we got to where I started recording.

The DM pointed out that he has not done last week’s write up because he was supposed to be in hospital and would then have a week off to do both write-ups. That did not happen and the DM is a tad grumpy about it, and about life in general to be honest.

Kraj got a tad sarky with Mike about being left to tank six mobs by himself. Mike maintained he had to do it because Elvira nearly died. Jake maintained he saved Kraj when he obviously didn’t. He then disappeared to get a pizza out of the oven.

“How did I nearly die?” Asked Christina. Incompetence by Mike was the obvious answer as he was in charge at the time.

Matt couldn’t make it because… eh, I forget. Some pathetic excuse about spending time with his wife and kids rather than spending time with us in D&D!

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

The DM summoned his minions to the Bryn Shander battlemap. As the players loaded in someone decided to try and be clever:

• Kraj> If only we had a handy write up to refresh ourselves on what happened last week!
• Mike> Yes! I can’t remember, I feel somewhat confused and lost!
• <laughter starts>
• DM> <sigh> If only, cunts…
• <more laughter>
• DM> …the DM was about to do a refresher!

Refresher: they travelled a lot, arrived at Bryn Shander, went to the pub and got into a fight at the gate.

Jake came back and it transpired his pizza was a margherita, which of course is not actually pizza at all and is merely fancy cheese on toast.

Dominos was then lambasted for failing to provide dough balls and tuna due to ‘Covid’ which is of course total bollocks… er, the tuna and dough balls, Covid is obviously not bollocks, just ask the DM’s lungs.

Mike then killed the entire pizza conversation by saying he used to eat tuna and banana pizza. Okay then…

Max Buffage

The DM has rather buffed this fight. There are three possible start locations at the beginning of the campaign when they set out from Nightstone as newbie, badly equipped adventurers and they started at Triboar. Goldenfields and Bryn Shander were the other two so this fight is tuned rather below their current level 7. Not to mention they are packing some reasonably serious firepower at this stage.

The DM added two more giants and buffed Drufi’s hit points from 138 to 300. That might sound like a lot but it really wasn’t. If, for example, all five players fire mounted crossbows and hit each turn, that’s 100 damage per turn.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I’m regretting not making it 400hp but this is supposed to be a relatively easy fight. There are plenty of hard fights coming up.

We start the fight above the gatehouse after Drufi threw a boulder which took out a mounted heavy crossbow and the two redshirts manning it. Roll initiative!

Kraj rolled a 2 and was rather unhappy about it until Mike rolled a 1 and promptly declared that roll was for Joffrey. There was some debate about whether he was allowed to do that but the DM solved it by simply asking if anyone, anyone at all, objected to Joffrey going last. Quite remarkably (Adam hadn’t turned up yet), absolutely no one objected.

The DM points out the numerous heavy crossbows fixed around the gatehouse:

• DM> For reference, these are the same as the ones in your wagon, it is a flat 20 damage and you can only shoot once per turn.
• Joffrey> Is the ammo nearby?
• DM> Yes, in bins adjacent to the weapon.
• Regulus> Are they umm.. are they already loaded Gary, yeah?
• <laughter>
• Kraj> Preloaded?!
• DM> <sigh> It’s still a bonus action to load Kraj and no, they are not loaded.

Abelas then politely declined Joffrey’s offer to become Abelapelas since he felt he would be better suited to cast spells.

Drufi blows her jewel-encrusted warhorn once more and all of the frost giants that have surrounded the town start throwing rocks far over the walls, crushing building and causing indiscriminate damage.

Someone, you know who you are, asked if they were racist rocks after a racist rock was removed from a US university recently.

Since we were off the rails, Mike weighed in with the PM’s fight on crime and the DM weighed in with the PM’s war on a beneficial trace gas.

• Celdar> <snarkily> It is Christina’s go?
• DM> <more snarkily> We haven’t actually started combat yet, Celdar!
• Regulus> Yeah!
• Joffrey> It’s everyone’s turn!
• DM> <sanctimoniously> It is the DM’s turn and he can espouse on things he finds necessary to do so on! Like the biggest issue of out time, Celdar! Climate change! It’s going to affect ALL of us!
• Celdar> After listening to you, I thought the biggest issue of my time was your operation!
• DM> Well it might be because if it goes wrong… 5% chance of not waking up from a general anaesthetic, just throwing that out there…
• Celdar> I’ll take those chances!
• DM> So if I roll a one…
• Abelas> And lets face it, you’ve rolled a lot of ones this year!
• <laughter>

This actually carried on for a while but eventually we got back to the game.

OMG U Broke It!!1!

Regulus had a significant motor-skills fail in getting his mini up one step onto the battlements until the DM demonstrated Talespire’s teleport function. Having eventually made his way onto the battlements, Regulus loaded and fired a crossbow but rolled a 1 and broke it. This was the last time the +5 to hit 20 damage crossbows were used <sigh>.

Elvira debated using a magic arrow:

• Regulus> You got one that causes blindness, another one makes them slow… you’ve got another now don’t you?
• Joffrey> Seeking?
• Elvira> That’s the one where you get to learn their location and stuff…
• <The DM is eying up the five enormous frost giants stood right outside the gate>
• Elvira> …that’s not much use now is it?!
• <laughter>
• Regulus> Yeah… I think we know where they are…

A Racist Shadow Arrow was fired. The DM read some frost giant flavour from the Monster Manual while Elvira read up on what Racist Shadow Arrow did:

• DM> Have you read it yet because I’m running out of material?
• Elvira> Yeah, I’ve rolled to hit.
• DM> Okee dokee…
• Elvira> It was 30.
• <group sigh>
• DM> Could you run that one by me again?
• Elvira> Thirty. Three zero.
• DM> Right, you are totally getting charmed the next time I need to actually hit Regulus!

Christina rolled the damage and one of the dice rolled along the ramparts, bounced off a wall and rolled back down a set of stairs. This was so awesome the DM added a bonus damage point.

All four bodyguards threw boulders at the gate causing 112 damage and rather messed it up.

• Celdar> One hundred and twelve?!
• Regulus> Er, we might need to give them something else to throw rocks at!

It transpires that the Giant Ape throws a more damaging rock than a frost giant. Which is nice.

Jake Clone

• DM> Sir Baric walks up onto the battlements…
• <The DM is forced to stop his narration as someone is fucking about with a measuring stick>
• DM> Kraj, what the fuck are you doing?!
• Kraj> Er… just measuring something.
• DM> <invokes heathen deity> you are Jake 2.0! <deep breath> Sir Baric adopts a vacant look and a heroic pose…
• <now someone else is fucking about with a measuring stick>
• Adam> Fuck sake!
• DM> Cunts. I will rage quit this session, if you think I won’t after the week I’ve had…
• <laughter>
• DM> Sir Baric shouts out “I say madam! I hereby challenge you to a duel in honourable single combat!” but Drufi just laughs at him and shouts back “Fool! We shall reduce this town to rubble!”. Sir Baric simply says “So be it!” and wanders back down off the ramparts.

Drufi chucks a rock and another section of the battlements is destroyed.

Abelas drops a Storm Sphere in the middle of the giants and it does 4 damage to two giants. I’m not counting the wolves as they are mostly just decorative for this fight… unless someone is stupid enough to leave the ramparts and go toe-to-toe with five frost giants and I don’t think even my players would do that.

Although Adam has turned up now…

Celdar the so called ‘adventurer’ declined to be adventurous and follow the DM’s suggestion that he Dimension Door right behind Drufi for a backstab and instead stealthed onto the battlements and sneak attacked Drufi with a longbow:

• Celdar> So.. longbow shot at Drufi and… thirteen?
• DM> Thirteen does not hit.
• Celdar> Well fuck that then!
• DM> <unable to help himself> You are attacking from stealth so you get advantage.
• Celdar> Oh yeeeeeah!
• DM> <sigh>
• Celdar> Oh, hang on… I fucked it!
• DM> I knew I should have made him an Arcane Archer but I don’t think I could handle two of them.

Area of Not Much Effect

Joffrey wants to put an Erupting Earth spell down to hinder the giant’s movement and is discussing this with Abelas:

• Joffrey> Shall I put it there? So the others have to go around it?
• Abelas> I want them to actively think its too much of a faff to move away from this giant swirling storm of death!

Remember “swirling storm of death”, dear reader. Remember it well.

Erupting Earth does a bit of blunt damage, more than Storm Sphere anyway, and that spot becomes difficult terrain. It took a while to get this done because the DM trolled Adam by measuring the distance from about 50ft behind the gatehouse, which Adam didn’t spot but everyone else did.

So we have now spent a level 4 and a level 3 spell to do minor damage to three giants and to slow them down for about half a move. Worth it? You decide.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Crowd control can be exceptionally useful on the battlefield. Slowing down something that wasn’t going to move, to do significantly less damage to it than a simple Fireball, is not exceptionally useful however, Buttercup.”

Regulus, who had earlier been lamenting the fact that he doesn’t get level 3 spells until level 9, is torn between using a mounted crossbow or just casting Magic Missile:

• Regulus> Oh fuck it! I’m going to…
• Joffrey> Every good turn starts with “Oh fuck it!”
• Abelas> You could do really well with a level 3 Magic Missile though.
• Regulus> <fake sarcastic laugh> You could do really well with an armour class of 22, bitch!
• Abelas> <casually> I can get that with Shield.
• Regulus> <fake sarcastic laugh> Right, I’m going to cast a level 2 Magic Missile.
• Abelas> Only level 2?

After all that Regulus did not in fact cast a level 2 Magic Missile but a Shatter spell. The range was a bit dubious but the Warforged ‘adventurer’ decline to follow the DM’s suggestion that he hang off the ramparts by one hand to make sure because, in his own words “I’m not Jake”.

The half-caster did more damage than both the full casters combined. I know the full casters will argue that their spells were designed to do damage over time so lets see how well that works out shall we?

• DM> Okay, it is Christina’s turn. So , what does everyone think about the Premiership doubling down on the keeling?
• Mike> I tell you, I read this report the other day…
• <laughter>
• DM> Sorry! Carry on Christina.
• Christina> <laughing> Are you sure you don’t want to continue?

Se we then got a bit bogged down with bendy Arcane Archer shots and what constitutes a ‘magic’ arrow because Fuck Me D&D is Complicated. Elvira does in fact, get bendy arrows that can be retargeted if she misses, which isn’t going to be often if we are realistic, and given this ability pretty much never from now on.

Elvira missed Drufi and, sadly, Joffrey was just out of range for the curving arrow and so another giant was picked to be the pin cushion instead.

Oh noes! A slightly inconvenient AoE has appeared!

The four frost giant bodyguards use a fraction of their 40ft of movement to get out of the Storm Sphere and the Erupting Earth, which will just be referred to as the electric mud from now on, and throw their boulders not at the gate but at the battlements the payers are taking cover behind. Four sections of the battlements are destroyed.

Thanks to the way Talespire works, the DM was able to remove the battlements then and there, which was marginally awesome:

• Joffrey> Joffrey clenches!
• Celdar> Fuuuuck!
• Abelas> Hey-Zeus fucking Aitch Kerist!

He called me a whatnow?!

Si Baric climbs back up on to the wall, once again adopts the blank-faced look of a half-wit, strikes a majestic pose, and he does look majestic in his shiny full plate with sword and shield, and he points straight at Drufi shouting out in a posh accent “It seems to me you are a dishonourable dewbeater, a bespawler and a fustylugs! Furthermore, it would not surprise me in the least if your mother and father were in fact, brother and sister!” and then he jumps back off the wall and takes cover, looking over at the party and winking at them, not looking at all like a half wit.

Drufi looks confused and glances over her shoulder at the closest bodyguard. The bodyguard whispers something to her, clearly an explanation, and Drufi turn bright red, rages out of the Erupting Earth and throws a boulder at the ramparts where Baric is hiding.

Abelas decides to man elf the fuck up and stop faffing about and Fireballs Drufi right in the face for a Dex save of only 14 (which she failed) and she took 30 damage.

Much to the amusement of the rest of the table, Jake’s attempt to use the left-hand gatehouse tower as a dice tower failed rather spectacularly as most of his dice ended up closer to the right-hand tower over 100ft away,

Jake kind of redeemed himself by actually reading the Storm Sphere description and belatedly realising he gets to make a bonus action spell attack but it missed. It missed by 1. Shame really.

The spectators on the gatehouse battlements were chiming in as Jake’s moment of realisation hit:

The DM couldn’t find any sad music but there’s some church music that the DM chose. The players couldn’t hear it and the DM promptly accused them of breaking his Talespire*.

Having reviewed the OBS footage it is apparent that the DM didn’t press the ‘Apply to Board’ button. Oops.

Celdar rolled a stealth check so high Abelas forgot who he was. The master of stealth then decided to attack from exactly the same place he attacked from last time. The DM was not very scathing about this at all.

Joffrey turned Regulus into Regulapelas. Regulapelas throws a chunk of battlement at Drufi. He rolls a 1. Regulapelas’ disappointment is only matched by that of Joffrey who can’t do a lot while he is concentrating on the Giant Ape form.

Huzzah! Regulus remembers he has an inspiration!

He uses it!

He rolls another 1!

His fellow players were extremely sympathetic.

Since there’s no real place for something the size of the ape to take cover behind, he drops over the rear wall and hangs off the battlements, declining the DM’s suggestion to climb to the top of one of the towers, grabbing Joffrey in one hand, and going ‘full Kong’ at the top.

Unicorn balls briefly became a thing. That’s all I have to say on the matter.

The giant’s boulder attacks removed another significant chunk of the battlements and a section of the gate support structure collapses.

Rubbing it in

Sir Baric saunters up onto the battlements, adopts a vacant expression and a heroic pose, points at Drufi and yells out, again in a very posh accent “Oh, did I say your parents were brother and sister? Well that clearly cannot be true because your father was obviously a troll you mulch-spouting loiter-sack!” and then he runs back down the stairs again.

Drufi screams in rage and rushed forward striking the masonry above Baric with a pair of furious greataxe strikes. Sir Baric is crouched down with his shield held over his head as chunks of wall bounce of it. He is laughing quietly.

Abelas attempts to bonus action lightning bolt Drufi:

• DM> <pointing to a mini on the lower wall> Is that you there?
• Abelas> <hesitantly> Yes…
• DM> Excellent.
• Abelas> <worriedly> I don’t like that you know that!
• DM> No, I don’t expect you do.
• <The DM starts measuring the distance from Drufi to Abelas. It is only about 30ft.>
• <Abelas misses with the Suck Sphere Storm Sphere attack once again>
• Abelas> AAAAH! Fuck sake! Okay, I Fireball Drufi!

Drufi rolls a magnificent 2 for the Dex save against a save of, apparently, only fourteen. Jake manages to drop all the dice down the tower stairs and does 31 damage to the frost giant leader.

Abelas takes the DM’s hint and legs it inside the tower to cower take cover next to Joffrey.

The DM, after he checked it wasn’t Christina’s turn, pointed out that he had completely forgotten Augrek up on the right hand tower manning the heavy crossbow so he added another 20 damage to Drufi from that source.

Celdar rolled another natural twenty on his stealth check.

• DM> <sigh> Right, you can’t kill Drufi until the fourth round when Baric has gotten his last insult in.
• Celdar> Is a sneak attack likely to kill her or can you fudge it?
• DM> Don’t worry, narrative will take over. I don’t need to fudge dice rolls because no one knows what I wrote down for hit points for Drufi!
• <laughter>

After all that sneaky fucking about, Celdar missed.

Narrative Cheese is the Smelliest Cheese!

Joffrey Tidal Waves two of the bodyguards for a mediocre amount of damage. It was still miles better than Suck Sphere Storm Sphere, obviously.

A local cleric called Sirac appears on the battlements and immediately raises his hoy symbol and a 30ft radius sphere of twilight springs forth. Anyone in that sphere gains 1d6+7 temporary hit points. He then starts tending to the two broken redshirts.

Regulapelas lunches himself over the battlements and swipes twice at Drufi as he drops down in front of the ruined gate. This results in a crit for a total of 63 cheese damage to Drufi knocking her horn, her belt pouch and couple of bits of armour to the ground.

Two bodyguards rush forward and grab Drufi and start dragging her off. Mike, as usual, completely missed the point (plot armour is real!) and made an attack of opportunity against Drufi instead of something that would count <sigh>. He hit for another 42 damage and quite remarkably she went from being on the brink of death to still being on the brink of death as the DM gifted Drufi another 50HP due to only the purest of narrative motivations, obviously.

Sir Baric saunters up onto the battlements, adopts a vacant expression and a heroic pose, points at Drufi and yells out, again in a very posh accent “Yes, begone! And next time would you mind awfully attacking one of the other gates? The wind is from behind you, you see? And we have recently eaten, you stamp-crabbing dung-fungus!” and then he saunters back off the wall chuckling as Drufi struggles unsuccessfully against her bodyguards.

Abelas, also just like Mike and simply not getting it, tried to attack Drufi with the Suck Sphere lightning bolt. He misses again. Shame. So he Fireballed again, wasting a perfectly good level 3 spell on a female frost giant wearing a magic beard that twice-per-day* totally negates damage and actually adds the damage back as hit points.

*Variable due to narrative cheese reasons.

• DM> You get all four of them.
• Abelas> Nice!
• DM> Not really because you can’t kill any of the bodyguards and you’ve got to go some to kill her. Actually, not even then because thanks to Mr Attack of Opportunity Crit over there I had to give her more hit points so Sir Baric could throw a half-arsed insult at her!
• Regulus> <laughing> So you’ve stopped cheesing rolls now, it’s cheesing hit points?
• DM> <with fake exasperation> I had a simple target, you couldn’t just let it go could you? You decided to be a dick about it so I decided to be a dick back! That’s fair, right?!

There was some debate on whether that was fair or not but it was all done with everyone laughing so who cares?

Bodyguard 4 sent Joffrey a parting gift of a rock to the face worth 29 damage.

Abelas, also just like Mike and Jake and simply not getting it (at this point it is probably the DM’s fault, not the players), tried to attacked Drufi with a longbow.

By now the DM was realising that he’d handled this a bit wrong but as Drikk Fra-Kar once said “When you’re in hole, chain-cast Move Earth and go for the Underdark!” and so the DM just ruled she was knocked out.

Drikk Fra-Kar> That is NOT what I said.. okay I might have said it but I was either drunk or trying to impress a lady… probably both! Stop fucking digging, idiot!

Anyway, the DM had to convince the players that the fight was actually over. See post session guff for more.

One of the bodyguards starts blowing a repeating staccato note on his war horn and the remaining 14 giants regroup and head away into Icewind Dale following the river.

• DM> Well done everybody, that is the last of the major towns. You are now level 8!
• <cheers ring out>

Abelas’ spell save is now 15! Hey-Zeus fucking Aitch Kerist!

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Mike enjoy his third cousin’s niece’s wedding?
• – Will Abelas make the most of his new-found FIFTEEN spell save DC?
• – Will Kraj’s brain explode trying to figure out what spells to take on Celdar?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

The ending of the fight was not the best… Hang on, let me adopt the Biden Manoeuvre; we all knew it was going to be a mess and nobody could have done better!

Having been through it twice, and the second time was far more painful than the first, I think this happened mainly to do with bad communication from a tired DM. There was no point in killing Drufi as they had the loot and if they were to pursue her, or even kill her, there were twelve other giants left who might want revenge.

A simple “Given that there are still a dozen frost giants around the town, do you think killing her is wise?” would probably have sorted the whole thing out.

Sir Baric Nyleaf’s Guide to Ye Olde English Insults:

• DEW-BEATER (no Jake, not a Nazi)
• An 18th century word for an especially large shoe, and consequently a clumsy or awkward person.

• BESPAWLER
• To bespawl means to spit or dribble. A bespawler is a slobbering person, who spits when he talks.

• FUSTYLUGS
• According to the Oxford English Dictionary, this term for “a woman of gross or corpulent habit” is derived from fusty, in the sense of something that’s gone off or gone stale.

• LOITER-SACK
• This is a 17th century term for a slacker. An idling, lazy good-for-nothing. Literally, someone who seems to spend all day in bed.

• STAMPCRAB
• A heavy-footed, clumsy person.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Mike as Regulus the Artificer – A gnome?! Really?!
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid – What exactly have I joined in on here?!
• Kraj as Celdar the Rogue – The DM is getting fixed!
• Jake as Abelas the Wizard – And he was one day from retirement too!
• Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – I can just see snow and trees, is that right?

With:

Gary as the DM – Have I got to read out that fucking wanted poster again?!

Author’s Note: This is session with a lot of travel and DM exposition (mostly not included) and is quite a short write up for a change.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Kraj has caught himself a summer cold. The DM was very sympathetic.

Old school MMOs were discussed, the types where you had to walk 10 miles uphill barefoot in the snow to do a corpse run. Some things are better left dead.

Once a few people had joined, the DM took his players to task over a WhatsApp incident during the week. Chris has said that he was nearly named Nick after Niki Lauda and the DM had responded with “Well you’ve certainly got the face for it”. Nothing. Tumbleweed. It may not be a legendary burn but its certainly up there as a contender for Burn of the Week award but responses, there were none.

So it turns out Mike hadn’t seen it and no one else knew who Niki Lauda was <sigh>

• Mike> Fair warning, in two weeks I won’t be here because I’m attending my niece’s wedding.
• DM> Right, you’ve forgotten what is happening in two weeks time then?
• Mike> Ummm… a wedding?
• DM> <sigh>
• Kraj> <gleefully> The DM is getting fixed!
• Jake> He has very clearly forgotten what is happening in two weeks time.
• DM> I get my bile bag…
• Mike> Oh, yeah, yeah…
• DM> …on Tuesday. So I am not going to be running a session…
• Mike> Oh for fuck sake!
• <laughter>
• DM> …two days after a fucking operation!
• Mike> <sigh> Lazy bastard..
• <laughter>
• Mike> We ask one thing…
• Jake> All we demand is that you come home early from hospital after a major operation and talk to us!

Good times.

The DM pointed out that we had successfully negotiated pre-session guff without mentioning Brexit, Trump, BLM, Critical Race Theory, vaccines or any other controversial topics (don’t worry, I get it all in later) and we started the session.

Mirabar

The DM singularly failed to pronounce “The river Mirar” despite several attempts and so after the fourth or fifth incident of “The rivar mirrera.. oh fuck it!” he just gave up and told the players to read the map themselves.

This was going to be a long session.

The adventurers (and Jake) cross the bridge and enter the city. They give their letter of introduction from the Lord of Xantharl’s Keep and are directed to the city guard offices where they collect their 5,000gp reward for capturing The Weevil.

The Mirabar teleport circle is located and activated so they can now come here any time. The rulers of Mirabar would be very unhappy if they knew the circle was there so the Harpers keep it hidden in the loft of a barn.

Travel was planned and it seems Jake can’t see the glowing green quest lights on the map <sigh>. The DM abandons technology and sticks a green flag on Bryn Shander instead. Jake can see that fine.

Jake was, of course, roundly abused for having a supercomputer that can’t even show glowy lights in TTS.

• Jake> I vividly remember taking the piss out of Kraj for this and now I regret it.
• Kraj> Karma’s a bitch!
• DM> Karma is sitting on her sofa somewhere enjoying a nice cup of tea and a biscuit and having a right good giggle.

They use the teleport circles to go and pay off their 2,000g debt to Chazza Chazluath (Totally Not a Dragon) in Waterdeep and then return to Mirabar.

Regulus has a chat with the local Harper network and is promptly informed of that which he should have known in the first place; if you want to know about a legendary frost giant that was part of an adventuring group you should probably ask a bard and not a spy.

They locate a well-to-do tavern called the Gilded Meelay and approach the gnome bard during a break:

• DM> You approach, introduce yourselves and ask your information
• Bard> Wet my whistle and we will see what we will see!
• Regulus> I thought he was playing a harp or something but he’s got a whistle!
• <silence>
• <a forlorn bit of tumble weed blows across the stage>
• Bard> My name is Aloybarz Zoddlehaddle..
• Regulus> Alloooybaz… Zoddle.. Haddleow?
• DM> Bless you online gnomish name generator!
• Regulus> <flatly> He’s a gnome?
• DM> Yes.
• Regulus> Right, fuck off, we’ll go somewhere else!
• <mystified laughter>
• Regulus> A gnome?! Really?! <heavy sigh> Right, fine, I’ll buy him a drink.

So it turns out Mike really hates gnomes. The DM promptly adds a line to his DM’s Things To Do list (yes, that really exists): “Make entire town of uptight demanding gnome Karens with a quest chain vital to main quest progression. With in-party gnome NPCs”

One thing is for certain; there’s going to be a lot more gnomes in this campaign than the authors envisaged!

Aloybarz informs them that the giant in question is called Harshnag and he used to run with an adventuring group called The Grey Hands about a decade before. The Grey Hands were based in Waterdeep and famously helped defend the city on several occasions.

As a rule Harshnag tends to avoid human civilisation with the exception of Waterdeep which he still calls the home but he isn’t seen there much.

• DM> Aloybarz adopts a bardic pose and dramatically pronounces “He was a particularly surly frost giant with skin as white as snow! Eyes as blue as the ice! And pale blue hair tied back in a warrior’s braid!
• Regulus> So not like all the other storm giants that aren’t surly?
• <interestingly, storm giants are generally considered to be contemplative, benevolent and wise>
• DM> You haven’t met many frost giants…
• Regulus> That is true but I’m going make a stab in the dark, which is what he’s going to get when he finishes work, and suggest that maybe they are all surly.
• <Adam finally decides to turn up>
• Aloybarz> Maybe a little more lubrication would help?
• Joffrey> What exactly have I joined in on here?!
• <laughter>
• Celdar> A gnome that wants to drink your milk!
• DM> It is probably best you weren’t here. Things have gone remarkably well for one of your group conversations! Regulus wants to kill the source of information on the frost giant.
• Regulus> Yes, yes, but not until we have GOT the information! <sigh> I’ll buy him a double.

Aloybarz chugs the double milk, announces he is inspired and his memory is jogged. He sings for the group the ballad of Harshnag the White.

The DM did not, and will not, under any circumstances, sing. Be happy about this.

Harshang was thrown out of his clan in The Spine of the World for his demeanour which was far too gentle. So he wandered south to explore the world where he was intercepted by the Grey Hands who were so impressed with the conversation they invited him to join them. Harshnag lived in a cave in Mount Sar and was summoned to the group by the party wizard.

Obviously they had a proper wizard who could do proper wizardy stuff like that.

At some point during the 14^th century, Harshnag was gifted the Legendary Greataxe of Gurt, the Lord of the Pale Giants, by Lord Piergeiron, in recognition for his service to the city of Waterdeep.

The Grey Hands retired some years ago having all become fabulously wealthy. It is unknown what Harshnag has been doing since.

It turns out the Grey Hand members all rather inconveniently retired to locations the adventurers (and Jake) cannot get to like the Feywild and the Moonshae Isles. Shame really.

Remembering is Hard

• Celdar> Do we know why they wanted the Weevil?
• DM> <deep sigh>

The DM has read the wanted poster for the Weevil to the players FOUR FUCKING TIMES so far in the last few sessions.

Also, what the flying fuck does it matter now?! The fucking Weevil is gone, dead, history, reward paid, no longer pertinent to any investigation, more absent than Biden’s faculties, more MIA than BoJo’s parenting responsibilities, more overlooked than the implications of BLM supporting footballers going to fucking Qatar for the World Cup, more missing than the media’s investigation into Hunter Biden’s laptop and less impactful than the effect Boris will have on the temperature of the planet after spending trillions! What the actual flying fuck has the Weevil got to do with anything anymore?

• DM> Have I got to read out that fucking wanted poster again?!
• Celdar> Nah, don’t worry about it.
• DM> No, no, I’m finding it now! Fuck you!
• Regulus> I’ll ask the Gnomish Pontification System if it knows why the Weevil was wanted!
• <The DM reads the entire wanted poster in the squeaky GPS voice>
• Abelas> He called your bluff!
• Regulus> He did, and that was going above and beyond!
• DM> And we will now come back next week when my voice has come back!

Kraj has no idea what the GPS is since apparently he couldn’t be arsed to read the handful of previous episodes in the campaign that happened before he joined. There’s only like 25 of them or something, shocking lack of commitment.

Road Trip

The adventurers (and Jake) set out for Bryn Shander. It’s quite a trip and the first leg takes them down the Blackford Road to Luskan.

Luskan – I won’t paste the Luskan description in here for brevity and because it doesn’t actually matter, they are just passing through. Suffice it to say that Luskan is a shit hole pirate town best know for Drikk-Fra Kar’s School for Gifted Young Adventurers but even that has moved to Neverwinter now.

Hundlestone – A small town perched on the mountainside. It is the last stop of ‘civilisation’ before entering Icewind Dale or the first welcome stop when leaving. The group stock up on cold weather clothing. Joffrey wants white winter gear obviously but they don’t have any. The locals suggest he just stand around in the snow for a bit. The DM suggests he just buy white dye in any major town. Clay made another contribution to the War Wagon Widows and Orphans fund to buy gear for everyone.

Bryn Shander

Bryn Shander is the largest of ten settlements known collectively as Ten-Towns, located in the frigid heart of Icewind Dale. Here, caravans from the south converge with traders from across Icewind Dale to swap goods and rumours. Fishers, trappers, furriers, and sellswords rub elbows in the town’s taprooms, and gruff dwarves, wide-eyed travellers, and skulking ne’er-do-wells wander its streets. Merchants from the south trade dyes, hardwood, dried herbs and spices, textiles, fruits, wines, and other commodities for scrimshaw and other items made from the bones of the knucklehead trout that populate the region’s rivers and lakes.

The town is situated atop a hill south of the mountain known as Kelvin’s Cairn, a major landmark in Icewind Dale. From its windswept perch, Bryn Shander has a commanding view of the surrounding tundra, and an attacking force must climb the barren hillside under fire from archers before it can assault the outer wall. The circular wall that surrounds Bryn Shander stands 30 feet high and is made of tight-fitting stone blocks. Defenders stand atop a planked walkway that hugs interior of the wall. Spaced along the wall are stone watchtowers, wherein guards can take shelter during blizzards and warm their hands and feet by iron stoves.

The buildings of Bryn Shander are plain wooden structures with pitched rooftops to keep snow from settling on them. Clouds of white smoke issue forth day and night from stone chimneys and holes in rooftops.

Each community in Ten-Towns has an elected speaker who leads the residents and represents their interests. The current speaker of Bryn Shander is Duvessa Shane. She has appointed Markham Southwell as her sheriff, making him responsible for training the town’s militia and keeping the peace.

A sheriff’s deputy named Augrek Brighthelm is standing watch at the southwest gate. She has a well-rehearsed speech which she gives to the adventurers (and Jake) that makes some of the other guards at the gate roll their eyes: “Well met, travellers! Keep yer fingers and extremities under wraps, lest Auril bite them off! Mind yer tempers, and you’ll be most welcome here! Brought goods to sell? The market lies straight ahead. Craving a warm drink? May I recommend a drop of Firebeard’s Firebrandy, sold only at Kelvin’s Comfort, located on yer right as you enter the market square!”

Regulus obtains directions to the workshop of Igor Flintbrow but as they pass through the market a young homeless woman makes contact with the Harper and turns out to be the local Harper contact. The main news in Bryn Shander is the absence of the Speaker. She is away attending a conference with the other speakers of the Ten Towns discussing the recent aggression by the frost giants. She took a good sized chunk of the town guards with her, including most of the veterans so the town defences are only lightly defended and mostly by less experienced guards.

Shopping and Drinking

Igor agrees to build the warforged dog for just the material costs but he warns that a component is missing; a power source in the chest plate. He doesn’t know what it is but the adventurers (and Jake) will know it when they see it; it’ll be glowing!

The DM pressed them to think of a name for the wagon. They came up with a number of variations on “The Flying/Flaming/Falling Wizard”. They have time to think about it.

Joffrey buys a white yeti coat for 40g <sigh>.

They press the button on the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion and the Bag of Tricks (Grey) becomes a Bag of Tricks (Purple). It works the same as the Grey but the owner can choose instead to summon any creature of their choice, once per day, for ten minutes only. This makes it still relevant as we head into the mid-section of the campaign.

The go to a tavern in the market called Kelvin’s Comfort and Abelas is approached by a member of the Emerald Enclave who informs him about a member of the guild in Fireshear who is training people to ride griffins.

• DM> At a table near the bar is a full-plated knight whose shield bears the symbol of Tyr, god of law and justice. He appears to have quite a heavy cold.
• Joffrey> Let’s go and offer him a tissue shall we?
• Celdar> Give him a brandy, warm him up!
• DM> <sigh> So they give you the description of the knight in the book, it is eight lines. His little story is eight lines. The last line is “he has adopted the guise of an unemployed caravan guard”. So not the first line…
• <laughter>
• DM> …which would tell the DM he is in disguise <sigh>. Oh well, he’s an undisguised Knight of Tyr now.

Joffrey buys a local fire brandy for everyone. This turns out to be fairly cheap rot gut rebranded as a premium whiskey. Joffrey orders milk to make a cocktail. The bartender is rather scathing and asks the druid if he has seen any cows during his stay in Icewind Dale.

Regulus gets some oil from the kitchen made from nuts. Which was nice.

They join the knight at his table and he enquires why they are in Icewind Dale. They are evasive and don’t mention the giants. When asked what brings him to Bryn Shander he introduces himself as Baric Nyleaf, Knight of Tyr and member of the Order of the Gauntlet.

Sir Baric is hunting the leader of a gang of bandits that have been raiding the local mines. It turns out the bandit leader has a taste for the local fire-brandy and so Baric has been camped out in the inn waiting to see if he will turn up. The bandit is known as… The Weevil.

The adventurers (and Jake) explain that The Weevil has been captured and Baric is delighted as he can now go home. Fire-brandy is ordered for everyone but suddenly, and as a complete surprise, alarm bells start ringing in the town!

• Regulus> Aaaw, you’ve given us his name now so he’s going to die!
• Abelas> And he was one day from retirement too!
• DM> He was short man!

Another dreadfully cold day in Icewind Dale has you bundled up in your warmest furs. Bryn Shander’s market square bustles with knucklehead trout fishers selling their finest scrimshaw to traders from the south, while other common folk warm their hands and faces by small campfires. Everywhere across town, people are trudging through snow-covered streets on errands. The town’s outer walls block the worst of the wind, but not all of it. A sudden blast occasionally catches everyone by surprise, causing shivers and grumbling all around.

The mood of the town changes abruptly. Something is amiss. Pedestrians are vacating the square with great haste, disappearing into their hovels. As spear-toting guards with grim faces move with purpose toward the southwest gate, you hear a booming voice from that direction as it calls out, “Surrender Artus Cimber or die!”

Spanking It

We switched to Talespire and the DM mentioned an arctic tundra map he found that was half a mile wide. The players immediately wanted to see it so we derailed everything for twenty minutes while that got loaded up and played with. Quite remarkably, Christina’s laptop did not explode: “I can just see is snow and trees, is that right?” Yes, yes it is, welcome to Icewind Dale.

As they approach the gatehouse they see a young guardsman fleeing the other way screaming “The frost giants are invading!”. The sheriff, a formidable looking human warrior, is looking over the ramparts as fourteen frost giants arrive at the walls…

• Regulus> Are we supposed to be able to see the giants Gary?
• DM> <sigh>

Having employed Leroy the spotter owl to fix Talespire’s limited view range issues once more, the DM briefly diverts into a discussion about the physical shape of Olympic weight lifters and then returns to the plot.

There are only two guards and Augrek on the ramparts and she is grateful that assistance has arrived. Nine of the frost giants proceed to encircle the town leaving four giant bodyguards, two winter wolves and the female frost giant leader at the south-west gate. She continues to loudly demand Artus Cimber.

The sheriff explains that he has no idea who Artus Cimber is and that he needs to go and organise the defence of the other gates and see if anyone knows the man. He tells the group that if the giants attack and they defeat them, they will be rewarded and can keep any valuables the giants have. The leader in particular has a large jewel encrusted warhorn.

• Joffrey> Its probably the size of our wizard isn’t it?
• DM> It is fucking enormous, yes.
• Regulus> But it could be mounted on the battle wagon!
• <Laughter, ooh’s and aah’s as this idea gains much approval>

At this point the players notice that the remaining two gate guards are named Redshirt1 and Redshirt2.

Baris wanders up the stairs to the parapet and when he sees the giants he gleefully exclaims “Oh this is going to be glorious!”

The frost giant leader, Drufi, loses patience and blows her war horn. The five giants advance to within 100feet of the walls. One throws a rock which impacts the parapet right next to the mounted crossbow manned by the two redshirts who are sent flying with broken bones.

Augrek runs to the back of the wall and points at a nearby citizen and orders her to bring a cleric from the temple.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Baric is short man! Will he survive?!
• – Who is Artus Cimber and why is he important?
• – How are they going to deal with 5 frost giants?

Tune in next week to find out!

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Adam as Joffrey the Sssuprisser – Do it!
• Mike as Regulus the Impenetrable – WHAT?!
• Kraj as Celdar the Deaf Eventual Loader of Crossbows – Because Dex is his strongest stat!
• Jake as Abelas the Deaf Non-Thinker of Things Through – Oh no! I’ve made a terrible mistake!

With:

Gary as the DM – I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to fall off the wagon!

Author’s Note: This session features a very experimental vehicle chase and we haven’t done anything like it before in D&D, let alone in Talespire which we are all still learning to use.

A while ago the DM promised Joffrey that he would send them to The Maelstrom at some point in this campaign and that will need a ship. So obviously ship combat will be a thing and this is a good excuse to test out the basic mechanics.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Christina couldn’t make it because she has homework.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Mike joined just as the DM, who now has food poisoning because fuck 2021, was telling Kraj (in far more detail than Kraj wanted to know) about the specifics of taking a stool sample while being nauseous:

• DM> .. and after that the whole thing went quite ‘smoothly’! Get it?
• Kraj> I think Mike joined at just the right time there!
• Mike> Yeah… because that didn’t sound dodgy at all…

Mask effectiveness, mandatory vaccinations, lies about Trump and even Brexit were discussed while we waited for Adam and Matt to turn up. Nothing contentious at all really. Eventually we gave up on Matt and started the session.

Phat Lootz!

The DM summoned his minions to the Xantharl’s Keep board:

• DM> Do we know where Matt is?
• Jake> No idea.
• DM> I made a magic item for him.
• Adam> If you’re not here you can’t claim it!
• Mike> Is it a longsword of druid-slaying? I’m just saying, any of us could use that…
• DM> No, no, it’s a throwing stick. It’s a throwing stick called Bakinna-Sek.
• <laughter>
• Jake> <laughing> Of course, it’s a fucking boomerang!

Bakinna-Sek – Weapon (boomerang), Rare

Not Actually a Boomerang +2

Bakinna-Sek deals 1d6 additional slashing damage and the effective range is increased by 10ft per point of Strength modifier.

This large throwing stick is carved from a deep red cherry wood and inscribed with the dwarven runes for ‘interruption’ and ‘timing’. This throwing stick resembles a boomerang but with one arm longer than the other and it is sharpened along the inner edge. It is also surprisingly heavy. One side is flat and the other is carved in an aerofoil, allowing the stick to be thrown a considerable distance and yet still hit with surprising force. It does not return when thrown.

A bonus action can be used to summon Bakinna-Sek back to the hand of the person who threw it.

The boomerang is a ranged weapon, and any creature proficient with the javelin is also proficient with this weapon.

Okay, so it does 1d4 blunt plus 1d6 slashing plus 2 to attack and damage rolls, plus you add your Str mod to the damage. It has a base range of 60/120ft increasing by 10ft per Str mod point. This also satisfies the DM’s issue with ranged trip-attack cheese because if you get hit by this thing, getting knocked on your arse is quite appropriate.

If you are interested in this kind of thing, Shadiversity’s videos are pretty great:

• DM> Okay then, the Lord of the keep suggests you stay overnight in the inn…
• Mike> Er, Gary… I’m not in the map…
• Jake> Yes, can you let us in?
• DM> <deep sigh> Needy fucking players…
• Jake> I know, I know.
• DM> <Adopting his whiny player voice> Please Mister DM, can we come to the board and play?

The snowflakes players were duly summoned to the board we were actually playing on.

The adventurers (and Jake) stayed overnight in the inn and the following morning the Lord’s seneschal delivers two magic items:

1) Bakinna-Sek, which was for Matt but now belongs to Joffrey the Magpie because he could be bothered to turn up.

2) An old eleven longsword that the seneschal explains has been in the Lord’s possession for over 20 years and he cannot get it to awaken so he gifts it to Abelas to see if he can do anything with it. It is a Moonblade.

• Abelas> What the fuck is a Moonblade?
• DM> You should probably look that up, it’s a legendary weapon. Well, right now it’s just a longsword.
• Abelas> Aaaaw!
• Joffrey> I’m pretty sure Selune made that for you. You should thank her!
• DM> <sigh>
• Adam> I’m just reading this fandom thing: it won’t serve anyone it regards as craven, erratic, corrupt, or at odds with preserving and protecting elvenkind.
• Mike> <starts laughing>
• DM> <smugly> Yeah!
• Adam> If the blade rejects you, you make ability checks, attack rolls, and saving throws with disadvantage for 24 hours.
• Mike> Well played Gary!
• DM> I thought so!
• Jake> <laughing> Is this how you are going to make me adventure?
• Mike> No, it’s how he’s going to punish you for killing prisoners.
• Jake> OH FUCK OFF! That was a mad… evil woman.. who worshipped dark gods!
• <Nerve → touched?>

The DM explains that he actually thought of putting the Moonblade in game right at the start before Jake developed Abelas’s less than adventurous side, so all that is just one of those happy little coincidences. It may also help the DM get the party to go somewhere they may not go to otherwise.

Road Trip

The next day, Regulus reluctantly heals the Weevil before the adventurers (and Jake) set out the following morning and he is securely shackled to the floor of the wagon.

Regulus has a chat with the keep blacksmith and the group purchase three heavy mounted crossbows that the fit to the wagon, one on each side and one on the rear.

DM> These require a bonus action to load, an action to fire, they have +5 To-Hit and deal a flat 20 damage. At the start of combat they are not loaded.

The crossbows cost 20g each and Clay’s contribution to the War Wagon Widows and Orphans fund is greatly appreciated.

Its about a two-day trip to Mirabar and the road meanders through some low hills before finally emerging on a plain where the road runs straight for some distance before crossing the Mirar River via a heavily guarded bridge.

Their journey to deliver the Weevil to a big pay day justice is uneventful for the first day but as they emerge from the low hills onto the plain, an orc chieftain riding a giant hyena is spotted shadowing them from a low hill to their right, some distance away. He blows a war horn and ten similarly mounted orcs stream down from the hill to attack the wagon from the right side.

The wagon is about 8-12 turns from the bridge. A normal gallop will reduce that distance by one whereas a dash will reduce it by two.

Regulus takes the driving role and is responsible for when to dash the horses. The driver can also choose to drive evasively which will not use a dash but will make the wagon harder to hit.

As the driver, Regulus is stuck out front on the seat but he does gain a +2AC from the armoured side panels. Abelas (A.K.A ‘Pincusion’) elects to take the shotgun seat so he can cast spells. To be fair he made this decision before he realised just how many orcs there were.

Sadly, events transpired that prevented the DM from volleying 30 javelins at Pincusion but those events were much funnier so it all worked out in the end.

Everyone else in is the back of the wagon. Remember, there’s a nullification field in the wagon bed that prevents spells being effective against it but also prevents spells being cast from within it. Inherently magical stuff like the WoMM still work.

DM> Right, absolutely nothing can go wrong, please roll initiative!

What’s the save?

At this point it transpired that Matt had forgotten it was Thursday and had gone out somewhere.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Adam rolled a 4 and was rather unimpressed until Kraj, in the middle of giving both the DM and Matt shit for not being able to recall what day of the week it is, rolled a 3.

• DM> We’re just going to take it slow and easy tonight, there’s no rush because I’m almost certainly going to fuck this up somehow. I’m either going to kill everyone and the wagon, or its going to be a complete breeze. Think of it as a test event for bigger things later on.
• Mike> Naval combat!
• Adam> Whose fighting their belly buttons?
• <silence>
• <silence>
• Mike> Ohhh, right!
• Tired DM> I don’t get… oh, right ‘navel’ combat <sigh>. That’s bad. Right, the mounted crossbows are unloaded, Regulus is driving, Abelas is shotgun, everyone else is in the back. Let’s see what goes wrong shall we?

Rather unsurprisingly, Elvira had the highest initiative and went first, double tapping an orc rider out of the saddle. His mount promptly circled back and started eating his corpse.

Abelas umm’d and aah’d a lot, bonus action Bladesonged and then decided not to cut loose with Fireballs just yet and cast Lightning Bolt at two riders. The DM enquired what the Dex save was and it turned out to be, quite remarkably, fourteen.

The DM rolled a 20 and an 18.

Abelas was unimpressed.

And he swore a bit.

Everyone else laughed.

Regulus throws a tribble from the Bag of Tricks. The DM has a very limited beast selection in Talespire so this was going to be interesting.

• Regulus> Aaaand… its a badger!
• Abelas> <sounding impressed> A giant badger could be useful.
• Regulus> No, no, it isn’t…
• Abelas> It’s just a badger?!
• Regulus> <sigh> Yes, just a normal badger.

The DM does not have a badger and so put a cat down on the plain. Badgers have a movement speed of 20ft and this is a high speed wagon chase so that was the last we saw of it.

Oh Talespire

• DM> Okay, seven of the orcs are going to throw javelins at the right side of the wagon. They can’t miss because the wagon is large and not evading.
• Joffrey> Sheesh, thanks Regulus!
• Celdar> Is it me or are there only six orcs on the right of the wagon?
• DM> <sigh>

The DM can clearly see seven orcs, the players can only see six. A second Leroy is employed to uncover the missing raiders.

The wagon has an inherent damage resistance of 2 so the first 2 damage of any single attack is resisted. The wagon side takes 31 damage.

• Kraj> We need Boudicas on the wheels!
• <He means blades>
• DM> That’s an idea! That’s an optional extra you can get fitted in Red Larch!
• <The DM has a think about it>
• DM> Er.. although you aren’t going to be very popular when manoeuvring around a crowded market. Might get arrested.

• Adam now wants flamethrowers mounted on the sides <sigh>
• <The DM secretly likes that idea and might make it happen. Don’t tell Adam!>

• Celdar> What’s the range on the crossbows?
• DM> <winging it> 300? Yeah, 300 sounds good.
• Celdar> Ok, and they do a flat 20 damage so…
• Regulus> Elvira killed one with 20 damage.
• Celdar> Okay, I’ll take a shot with the crossbow… Are they pre-loaded?
• DM> <remarkably calmly> It’s a bonus action to load.
• Celdar> So… not pre-loaded then?
• DM> <sigh> I’m fairly sure someone said something about that…
• Regulus> I think the phrase you used was ‘unloaded’…
• Celdar> <utterly missing the underlying snark> Oh, I’ll load it and shoot an orc then!

Celdar manages to hit an orc with the crossbow (once he loaded it) and outright killed it. He then broke the initiative tracker <sigh>

• Adam> Gary, can I stick my Magic Missile wand out of the slit?
• DM> <casually> It’s not a wand.
• Regulus> Yep.
• DM> It got transmogrified. Fantablusised.
• Jake> It’s a gun.
• <Adam makes a sound like a really excited schoolgirl>
• Adam> Oh yeah, it did didn’t it?! I’ll stick my peacemaker out of the window and… oh man, how many charges have I got to piss away?

Joffrey unlimbers his big iron, fans the hammer, expends six out of the maximum seven charges and sends nine Magic Missiles out into the mob of orc raiders.

At this point it transpired that maths had become exceedingly hard and the DM agreed to split the damage in a way to kill the two that Abelas previously Lightning Bolted and send the remainder into a nearby rider.

• Joffrey> I’m going to spin the revolver, blow the end of it, stick it back in my… pouch… my pocket… wherever it came from?
• DM> With a smoking hot barrel?!
• Kraj> <laughing> Straight down your pouch!

Horn of Plenty

At the end of the round, the orc chieftain blows his horn twice more and a further twenty orc riders appear; ten behind on giant war goats and ten to the left on giant war boars.

Look, I’m working with what Talespire gives me okay?

The DM set the trap by lumping the war goat riders together at the back.

Elvira deals 14 damage to a 15HP orc and spends her second attack to finish the job. She then Action Surges, kills another boar rider outright and then damages yet another.

• Abelas> Am I okay to fire a Fireball behind us?
• DM> You will have to hang off the wagon by one hand!
• Abelas> Oh fucking <heathen deity>! Yeah! Yeah, I’ll try it!
• <The trap is sprung!>
• DM> <Mr Burns voice> Eeeexcellent!
• Abelas> Oh no! I’ve made a terrible mistake!
• DM> You stand up on the bouncing jostling wagon that is careering along an unpaved dirt track, you grasp a handy bit of metalwork on the edge of the seat and you swing out, hanging down the side of the wagon and you level your hand back towards the riders and attempt to cast Fireball. Can you make an Acrobatics check for me please?
• Celdar> Because Dex is his strongest stat!
• Abelas> I don’t suppose you’ll let me do that as Athletics?
• DM> Nope.

According to the Players Handbook a DC 10 is an ‘easy’ ability check and 15 is ‘medium’. As doing what Abelas is trying to do could not be described as ‘easy’ the DM decided to make 15 a full success; the Fireball goes off exactly where Abelas was aiming it.

A 13 or 14 means he still casts the Fireball but it’ll be a bit wonky, maybe 5ft off target. 9 to 12 and he gets to not Fireball but hang on for dear life instead. If he gets 8 or under, he falls off the wagon. Simple, right?

Abelas rolls an 8.

Everyone laughs.

Regulus uses his Flash of Gorgonzola Genius ability to add his Int modifier (+4) to Abelas’ roll as a reaction. The DM really thought about saying that Regulus couldn’t see Abelas as he was hanging on the side of the wagon but thought that A) This was a bit of a dick move and B) Much more importantly, Abelas falling off the wagon would properly balls-up the DM’s battle map because everything on it is supposed to be moving at speed but Abelas suddenly wouldn’t be.

So now Abelas has a score of 12 and not 8:

• Abelas> If I have to fly back…
• DM> You are now no longer falling off the wagon, which you were about to do. You are however, now clinging to the side of the wagon and you need both hands to hang on as it jolts up and down and bounces around a lot.
• Abelas> Okay…
• DM> You can try and continue to cast your spell, which will require a further Acrobatics check but that will be made at disadvantage as you are now hanging off the side, or you can use what’s left of your turn to get back on the seat.

Abelas asks how far the wagon goes each turn; 60ft as the horses are galloping. Joffrey is spamming chat-bubbles of “Do it!”.

So Abelas did it <sigh>.

Disadwhatnow?

• Abelas> Who…? Who is doing that chat, is that Gary?
• Joffrey> No, it’s me. Is Fly a concentration?
• Abelas> Yes…
• <The lead horse chat-bubbles “OMG Nuke it!”>
• Joffrey> Cool, so if you get hit by one of the thirty five javelins coming your way…
• <laughter>
• Abelas> But… but…
• <The DM starts mentally facepalming about what is coming>
• Abelas> I think the most important part is I have plus three to my Con save! I attempt to cast Fireball!
• <silence>
• Regulus> WHAT?!
• Abelas> Well you said I could try!
• DM> Okay… could you please make another Acrobatics check with disadvantage please?
• Abelas> Oh… I didn’t hear the disadvantage bit… I was thinking about flying…
• <silence>
• Regulus> WHAT?!
• <Abelas rolls an 11 and an 8>
• Abelas> FUUUUCK!
• <’RIP’ appears in a chat-bubble from the wagon>
• Abelas> <sigh> I cast Fly.
• DM> On the plus side, you did get your Fireball off as you fell off the wagon.
• Abelas> Well I don’t cast Fly then.
• <laughter>
• Regulus> So a John Woo slow-motion Fireball falling off the wagon!
• DM> Okay, Abelas swings round the side of the wagon, nearly falls off, makes a grab for the wagon, makes the grab, lifts his hand off that’s holding him on the wagon just as you hit another bump, spectacularly fails to re-acquire the wagon, casts the Fireball and falls off, tumbling in a snotty, dusty heap on the ground BUT a Fireball does go whooshing off into the orcs.

The Fireball hits four of the pursuing war goat riders and, once we had established that the save was only fourteen, two made it, two failed it and then Abelas rolled a mid-damage 29 killing two and leaving the other two on one hit point each.

• Regulus> You know I’m not turning this wagon around don’t you?
• Abelas> Don’t worry about it, I didn’t hear Gary say disadvantage. I’ll either live next turn or die, just carry on!
• Regulus> Ok, in that case I’m going to Dash this round…
• Joffrey> What?!
• Abelas> Of course you are.
• Joffrey> Could you do Avoidance and at least stay within 60ft of him please?
• Regulus> Why?
• Joffrey> So I can get him up to us…
• Regulus> <sigh> Okay, in that case I’ll avoid this round.
• Joffrey> …maybe
• DM> <deep sigh> I knew I should have started this further back down the map but I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to fall off the wagon!

I speak giant!

Because Abelas is now stationary the DM has to move the wagon and all twenty-odd mobs forwards to give Abelas some chase room. This took some time and bollocksed up an otherwise perfectly good battle map <sigh>

Abelas was relatively confident he could get back on as long as Regulus did not Dash. Abelas does indeed run very fast when he needs to but if he’s relying on Fly, which does have a 60ft movement speed, the DM thinks he may have not adequately considered a couple of things.

• Joffrey> What damage does he take falling off?
• <laughter>
• Abelas> Fuck off!
• Celdar> Surely it’s a Dex save to avoid getting his leg caught in the wheel?
• Abelas> Fuck off!

The DM declined to apply damage to the fallen wizard, figuring his ego was probably bruised enough as it was.

While the DM was moving endless amounts of minis about because of Jake’s inattention, the player bickering continued:

• Abelas> It’s a war wagon, it’s not built for speed!
• Celdar> And yet you still managed to fall off of it!
• DM> <exasperatedly> All this because one poxy wizard fell off a fucking wagon…
• Abelas> All right! I’m sorry!
• <laughter>
• DM> The orc chief is galloping along keeping pace and shouts out.. er.. anyone speak orc? I know you all speak giant.. that’s written on the bottom of the wagon by the way.

It transpired that no one spoke the language of one of the most common enemies on the Sword Coast and so they didn’t hear him shout “Leave the feeble one, bring me the Weevil!”

Four orcs climbed up onto the wagon, time to repel boarders!

Ten of the chasing pack throw javelins at the back of the wagon. While the plating there is the same thickness as the sides, the hinges and latches make it by far the weakest flank.

• DM> The wagon takes 55 damage on the tailgate, which is a lot.
• Regulus> 55 minus the 2 damage reduction?
• DM> <rather smugly> Already did that.
• Regulus> And what about the avoid?
• DM> <rather unsmugly> Shit….
• <laughter>
• DM> Half of those miss <sigh>. You’re not in trouble yet but… its getting there. These four riders are going to move up level to the driver’s box and throw javelins at Regulus. You get a +2 AC from the moveable shielding you had fitted.
• Regulus> Oh good!
• DM> Despite it being made of a durable alloy, you can see a distinct imprint of a hand here on the corner where Abelas was just before he fell off.
• Joffrey> We are never going to repair that.

One javelin manages to penetrate Regulus’ fairly cheeseworthy 24AC for 6 damage.

• Celdar> Can you finish the Orcs go? I can’t move?
• DM> <adopting his whiny players voice> Oh Emm Gee! CanyoufinishsoIcanmoooove?!?!
• Abelas> So needy?
• DM> I know, right?!
• Celdar> Fuck you all!

Celdar clambers onto the roof and shivs an orc with The Devil. The DM allowed a sneak attack as the rules state “Beginning at 1st level, you know how to strike subtly and exploit a foe’s distraction” and the DM figures that anything hanging on to a wagon roof the way Regulus is driving it is definitely going to be distracted.

Celdar hits the orc for eighteen damage, killing it, and moves on to the next victim whom he shivs with the Debt but fails to hit. The rogue drops back into the wagon to avoid javelin fire.

Moving is hard

Joffrey wants to climb onto the wagon seat and cast a Spike Growth sideways in front of the four who attacked Regulus:

• DM> Right, so you are going to climb out of the front of the wagon to the seat?
• Joffrey> Yeah.
• DM> Ok, make an acrobatics check for me please.
• Joffrey> Oh, is it not just a door?
• DM> No, you have to climb over the front plate. It is not a difficult check.
• Abelas> <plaintively> That didn’t matter.
• <laughter>
• DM> Yes but you were attempting something quite complex, casting a spell…
• Abelas> I know, I know…
• Regulus> Yes but Gary, you could have warned him…
• <laughter>
• Abelas> Shut up… shut up!
• <more laughter>
• DM> Clearly it is ‘dump on Jake’ week again.

Joffrey makes the save handily and climbs over the plate without incident, he casts Spike Growth and eagerly rolls the dice for it despite the fact that the raiders won’t ride over it until it is their go <sigh>. He then climbs back inside but rolls low and tumbles inside landing prone.

Elvira shoots another chasing war goat rider and once again does 14 damage:

• Regulus> So that leaves him with one hit point?
• DM> It does.
• Regulus> <depressed> So she will use her other one…
• Abelas> Or she could use one of her special arrows…
• Regulus> Ooh, she could do! I’d forgotten about that!

The special arrow was a crit and the DM felt that was a waste of a crit on just the one nearly dead orc and so ruled that it went through and took out the one behind as well.

• Regulus> That’s them two dead then, thank you for the reminder Jake.
• Abelas> That’s okay. Sometimes I remember things… when it’s not “How do I stay on the fucking wagon?!”
• Regulus> Did you see what happened there? Some one said something and I listened to it!

The Penny Drops (Twice)

• DM> Abelas?
• Abelas> I cast fly on myself! Oh… now I can’t dash… That was my plan but I realise I’ve used an action to cast it.

That was the first thing he forgot. The second thing didn’t take long as the wizard used the Talespire measuring ruler to draw a 60ft line back towards the wagon:

• Abelas> That’s where I want to go but up in the air.
• DM> <casually> How far up in the air are you going to go?
• Abelas> Er.. we’ll go… er… oh…
• <And thus does the second penny drop: distance up is lost distance along>
• Abelas> Oh fucking <heathen deity>
• <sniggering starts>
• Abelas> <laughing> Yeah, I’ve just registered that!
• DM> Trigonometry is hard!
• Joffrey> a² = b² + c²

And so Abelas stays at ground level, hovers and, in the DM’s mind at least, Naruto runs through the hard charging war goat pack.

• Abelas> I’m just zooming along, giving them the finger as I go past.
• Regulus> Can’t you just run faster than that?
• Abelas> Yes, yes I can, I just didn’t think it through, alright?!
• Joffrey> As you’re at ground level, won’t you get attacks of opportunity on you?
• DM> Well one of them does.
• <The DM rolls a 1 for the attack>
• Regulus> I think Gary, and I don’t mean to pre-empt the session but I think “I didn’t think it through” might want to be the title of this one?
• DM> I was thinking of just “Lol nub”
• Abelas> Look, I’m having a bad time, just carry on! Everyone just carry on! I was like “I’m going to cast Fly and now I’m going to dash forw… oh…”
• DM> Could you make a perception check for me please?
• <Abelas rolls a natural 20>
• DM> You hindsight is fucking amazing right now.
• Abelas> I can’t even cheese a Misty Step with my elven ability…
• <The reason he can’t do it is the two spells in one round restriction>
• DM> The problem is, you’ve just gone 60ft but the wagon is about to go another 60ft…

Or is it?

Hi Yo Silver! Away!

(might have lost some people with that one)

Regulus takes the Dash action and the wagon disappears a further 120ft up the road from Abelas. Mike tries to cheese having the orcs fall off the top <sigh> It’s a horse drawn carriage not a fucking rocket.

Two of the rooftop orcs moved forward and dropped onto the drivers seat either side of Regulus. The third threw a javelin at Joffrey but the DM rolls another 1 <sigh>.

Three of the remaining war boar riders board the wagon. The war goat riders throw more javelins at the rear of the wagon and break one of the clasps holding the tailgate shut. The last four hyena riders throw at the right hand side of the wagon.

• Joffrey> Have they been hit by Spike Growth yet?
• DM> Oh shit…

The hyenas are toast, Joffrey rolled something stupid like 40 damage, but the riders were thrown and took minor damage but they were now on foot and effectively out of the fast moving fight. They did manage to throw their javelins before the wagon disappeared into the distance though.

At this point there are two orcs on the drivers seat, four on the roof, and 7 riders at the rear.

Celdar back-stabs a roof-orc and kills him outright and does a non sneak attack (you only get to use it once a round) damaging another.

Well there’s something you don’t see every day…

Joffrey’s turn and… well in this case a picture speaks a thousand words:

Panic Snake appears in the wagon and rears up through the roof and attempts to punt an orc off the roof but Adam rolled a very underwhelming 1.

• Panic Snake> Sad hiss!
• DM> Still looked amazing though!

Elvira eliminates two wounded riders.

Abelas decides to get back on the wagon but once again doesn’t think it through so the DM helps him out:

• Abelas> I’m going to land, if I can, there <indicates 120ft onto the roof> This is a bad idea isn’t it?
• Regulus> <dubiously> Yeah…
• Abelas> But whatever happens, I’m still flying so I’m going to be basically floating here.
• DM> Right, I’m going to suggests that as Fly is concentration you can land and take off as much as you want as long as you maintain concentration. You should probably land on the wagon because if you hover above the wagon, its going to move…
• Abelas> Ah yes, that’s a very good point, I’ll land on the wagon.
• DM> I know it would have been hilarious not to have told him but it is ten-to-nine.
• <laughter>

Regulus dashes the wagon. Having taunted the orcs when he landed back on the wagon, Abelas now suffered the consequences and the three roof-orcs attack him but all miss. The DM is struggling to roll higher than a seven right now.

The riders javelin the rear again and the tailgate falls open. The chasers can now see the adventurers (and Jake) inside the wagon.

The two orcs on the seat attack Regulus with great axes and the DM rolls a decent pair of dice for a change forcing the warforged to Shield but ultimately Regulus is just calmly sitting there driving the wagon while the two orcs singularly fail to get through his armour.

Celdar uses his action to pull up the tailgate and conduct a makeshift repair to refasten it. The chasing orcs groan.

Panic Snake turned to attack the closest orc resulting in this bit of epicness:

That has got to hurt!

The orc is snake-punted from the roof, tumbling along the ground and is removed from combat.

Following that, the DM offers Panic Snake an intimidation check and he rolls a 19 causing one of the remaining orcs to have a crisis of faith resulting in him bailing off the roof wanting no further part of this madness. The last roof-orc has an attack of common sense, clambers down the side of the wagon, drops off and starts walking home.

Abelas Fireballs all five of the remaining orc riders:

• DM> What was the save again?
• Abelas> <sigh> Fourteen.
• DM> Well two of them make it.

It didn’t matter, Jake rolled an above average 39 damage and wiped out the lot.

• DM> The last three orcs realise it’s over and bail off the wagon. You reign it in slightly and roll up the last few hundred yards to the bridge. Panic Snake still has his head sticking out of the roof like a dog out of a car window.
• Regulus> I so want to shout out to the guards “Help! We’re being attacked by a giant snake!”
• DM> You rock up to the guard post and the guards are “What’s all this then? What’s going on?”
• Regulus> <casually> We’re just on our way to Mirabar.
• DM> The guards is eyeing up Panic Snake <equally casually> “What you got in the back?”
• Regulus> I’ve got a wizard in the back, and a thief… got a fighter too and.. oh shit what was the other thing? Oh yeah, got a giant snake in the back too.
• Guard> Right then, have a good day sir.
• DM> And he waves you through…
• Regulus> I tip my hat to him.
• DM> <laughing> Everyone is trying to act really casual about something that it is really out of the ordinary, acting as if this happens every day of the week.

The adventurers (and Jake) trot over the bridge and enter the city of Mirabar.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Jake and Celdar listen to what the DM says for a change?
• – What will the adventurers (and Jake) spend the 5,000g reward on?
• – Will they pay off their debt to Chazlauth (TNAD) or will they forget?
• – Will Matt remember what day of the week it is?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

The DM explained that if he’d managed to get the tailgate down earlier he was going to pack the back of the wagon with orcs and try and get the Weevil out.

Kraj asked about the possibility of killing the orc chief earlier but the DM explained that a normal orc warchief has 16AC and 90+ hit points so that was unlikely.

Mike asked what the orcs were after and the DM explained that the Weevil at this point was the equivalent of a chest with 5,000 gold pieces in it, making them a bit of a target.

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Kraj as Celdar the Master Acrobat – How long have you been cheesing that for?
• Matt as Clay the Master of Comedic Timing – Back in a sec!
• Mike as Regulus the Master Tactician – The snake said “Missssed!”
• Jake as Abelas the Forgetter of Fly – And then I was like “You prick!”
• Adam as Joffrey the Instiller of Doubt – Fleshlight?!

With:

Gary as the DM – You put your fingers up his nose and say ‘sniff this!’

Author’s Note: When reading through this I realise that Jake/Abelas comes in for an unusual amount of shit from the DM so I’d like to apologise.

I’d like to but I’m not going to to because it would be a lie. Suck it up Princess!

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Christina couldn’t make it because apparently finding a home is more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Jake joined and complained that his new supercomputer keeps crashing in Total Warhammer II.

• Jake> …never known any computer to just go!
• DM> I know what that is! It’s because you are not playing 40k! It’s because you are playing fairy warhammer!

This kicked off a discussion which has been had several times before and always ends the same way: Jake spectacularly fails to convince Mike and the DM that swords and fairies are just as good as chainswords and space marines. The DM then completely nullifies the fairy-warhammer argument by bringing up manly-warhammer’s plasma cannons and Mike offers to pit an equal number of his 40K guys against Jake’s fairy-warhammer guys to see who would win.

Matt (in a bucket)> Quick change of topic, Adam said he got an invite back to the discord server but it said ‘invalid invite’ when he tried to click it.

If you weren’t here last week, you won’t understand why everyone found that rather funny.

Return to Xantharl’s Keep

DM> Does anyone remember how to Talespire?

The replies did not fill anyone with confidence but we started anyway. Jake immediately got put miles out at sea, literally beyond visual range of land, due to the severe amount of fucking about he did during the test session… which was in a different campaign on a different map.

The DM called him a cunt and congratulated him on spectacularly breaking the map in the first few seconds.

The rogue Abelas was eventually located by the DM who attempted to kill it but was thwarted by the actual Abelas spazzing out and constantly moving mini Abelas around.

The DM politely and respectfully requested that Abelas acquiesce to desisting in his endeavours:

• DM> STOP FUCKING MOVING IT!
• Abelas> I don’t want to let go of it, it’ll fall into the sea!
• DM> <laughing> Just… stop.. yes… got it… no… fuck… YES!
• Abelas> YES! It’s gone!
• DM> <deep, deep sigh> This is not how I expected to start the session…
• <laughter>

We had more line of sight issues, the DM is a little worried about that and will need to do some testing. The DM also blamed Jake for everything due to getting stuck out at sea. This is reinforced by Jake bugging out and having access to the DM’s build menu <sigh>

• Jake> I might try and leave and come back…
• Mike> Oh no, no, don’t worry about the two stage plan.
• <The DM sniggers>
• <Silence as a distracted Jake tries to figure out what just happened>
• Jake> <sigh> Do you know, for a second, I was like “wait, what was my suggestion?” and then I was like “You prick!”
• <laughter>

The DM has a new toy, it’s a flash-light tool that rather resembles a beam of holy light shining down from on high. While the DM was smugly showing this off, it transpired that anyone in the lobby board (Jake) sees a message that they are waiting on the DM to summon them to the playing board. Slight problem; it doesn’t tell the DM that so Jake had been languishing at the camp site for a while. Shame really.

Communication is the name of the game

Adam has not yet joined us as we get going.

A whole bunch of guards are doing a whole bunch of shouting about a giant attack and a lot of them are heading for the front wall. The players decide to also head for the wall but first they are going to put the Weevil in the wagon with Elvira standing guard.

• DM> Your wagon tailgate folds down and forms the ramp into it. It is secured with hasps and pins and, while it doesn’t lock, exactly, someone in it is going to have a hard time getting out of it, especially as the walls are 8ft high and he’s manacled… and he’s a dwarf, so 8ft is quite high… uh oh, heightist!
• Celdar> Should we just put him in there with Joffrey? And lock it?
• Regulus> What and take the manacles off? Oh, and give him a knife!

We had a little chat about last week’s indecision and who’s fault it was (everyone, including the DM) and how we can easily avoid it next time. The DM was making the point that we are running a campaign from a book and his players are a tad above average in intelligence compared to the typical group running it. Yes, that was a compliment, but not much of one so don’t get carried away.

• DM> … so, yeah, it’s D&D, it is not that complicated…
• <Adam joins Discord>
• DM> … unlike mute buttons!
• <Adam disconnects from Discord>
• DM> He’s gone!
• <Lots of lols>

Adam rejoins once more.

Kraj reminds the DM about the +1 Handaxes and the DM awards them as loot saying that Clay might find them useful as a ranged option he can apply his Str modifier to.

• Matt> <in a bucket> Well, I’m not going to say no to SHHHSFFRTTTTSSSHHHH
• DM> Well I’m not going to <starts abusing his mic with his thumb> SSHHHRTTTSSHHH either so…
• Matt> <intelligible quiet muffle garbage>
• Abelas> Matt, are you trying to swallow your mike?
• DM> Matt, are you actually in the same room as your microphone?
• Matt> <coming in five by five> Yes! Is that better?
• <cheers>

After a certain amount of fucking about, including actually installing Talespire <sigh>, Adam made it to the camp-site home board, which is kind of like the campaign lobby:

• DM> Now I shall summon you to the board my minion! BWAHAHAHAHA! That’s never going to get old.
• <The players may disagree>
• <The DM gives Adam a few seconds to get the board loaded up and then turns on his new flashlight beaming it upon the druid mini>
• DM> There should be a flashlight of the gods beaming down upon you!
• Adam> Fleshlight?!
• DM> <sigh>
• Jake> That’s cool as fuck.

The DM gives a brief reprisal of last week’s events for Adam along with a quick tour of he map:

• DM> So we got in, arrested the thing… arrested ‘the thing’? <sigh> That’s some great narrative there DM!
• Mike> He’s a dwarf!
• DM> Yes, so I’ve first mocked his height and now I’ve objectified him!

Back in a sec!

The players head to the walls and, after a lot of faffing about with the line-of-sight system, saw a frost giant at the head of an army consisting of about 50 goblins, 6 ogre goblin-huckers and a dozen bugbears. They are all assembling abut 300ft from the wall and making a lot of noise.

• DM> There’s at least a hundred guards on the walls by now and a garrison commander snapping orders. The frost giant shouts out “….
• Matt> Back in a sec!
• DM> Oh for…
• <Lots of laughter>
• <The faint, far off sound of a head gently, but firmly, repeatedly hitting a desk>
• Jake> <laughing> That better be something fucking important….
• Kraj> <laughing> I thought he was taking the piss!

The DM starts the ‘haunted’ music and sets the atmosphere to ‘isolated red’ which is a bleak greyscale with only red items having colour.

There was now reference to a certain black and white WWII film that I will not be putting in the write up but you know who you are and you now what you said!

The DM spends some time collecting himself and then attempts to carry on:

• DM> So… the giant shouts out <the DM starts losing it> “BACK IN A SEC!”
• <laughter>
• Matt> Hello!
• Jake> Please tell me Matt, that you had a valid… what was your reason for leaving?
• Matt> Er… <redacted> was going for her run and couldn’t find her bag.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

DM> The frost giant shouts out “GIVE US THE WEEVIL!” and he signals to the huckers and the first volley of goblins comes flying in. The bugbears launch a volley of arrows. Could everyone roll a d100 for me please?

Clay rolled lowest and got hit by a spike-helmed goblin. Everyone scrambled for cover behind the battlements as arrows and suicidal live ammunition rained down.

The guards on the wall-mounted heavy crossbows return fire, arrows and bolts are flying backwards and forwards but something seems a bit off. The second wave of goblins come in and get slaughtered as soon as they hit the wall, the giant is still shouting and demanding the Weevil and the garrison commander says “This doesn’t make sense, they have no hope of breaching the walls, I don’t know what they are trying to achieve”

Clay, as a Battlemaster, was asked to make a perception check. Thirty two seconds pass with no perception check being made:

• DM> <quietly> Matt?
• Abelas> <not so quietly> Matt?
• Clay> Hello?!
• Regulus> Can you roll a perception check?
• <silence>
• <laughter>
• DM> Do you know why you are rolling a perception check?
• Matt> <sounding a bit pissed off> To see if there’s something going on!
• DM> Ok, just checking you weren’t off finding a handbag again.
• <Yeah, I know, but he totally deserved it!>
• <Clay actually passed the check!>
• DM> You think this may be a distraction, what are you going to do?
• Clay> I shout out “THE WEEVIL IS DEAD” and then head back to Elvira.
• Joffrey> <disgusted> You aren’t going to shout “It’s a trap!”?!!
• <Everyone goes back to the wagon with Clay>
• Regulus> But I don’t know what the trap is…

Let me shed some light on what is happening with the book description… the players didn’t know this:

A while back, Worvil Forkbeard told a few friends that he needed a place to hide and planned to lie low in Xantharl’s Keep. One of his friends betrayed that confidence to the frost giant now attacking the keep, who is named Kaltivar. The giant intends to collect on the 5,000 gp reward being offered for the dwarf’s capture and is using the goblinoids and ogres as a distraction to help him bag the dwarf. While the garrison is occupied on the east side of town, ten stealthy bugbears climb over the western wall and attempt to capture Worvil. If the characters already have the dwarf in custody, the bugbears try to take Worvil from them.

If Worvil is dead and the bugbears see his corpse, they immediately try to flee the keep and report back to Kaltivar. Characters who are unaware of the Weevil’s presence or his true identity can hear the dwarf and bugbears fighting in the stables with a successful DC 15 Wisdom (Perception) check, and the Weevil manages to kill a couple of bugbears before he’s dragged off.

We don’t have Bugbears in Talespire yet so we have Orc Spec-Ops instead!

The Wagon and the Weevil

This encounter takes place mostly in an area of clear ground in front of the inn, it is 160ft long and 60ft wide. The adventurers (and Jake) make it off the wall on the right of the inn. About 80ft away to the left is the wagon and the Weevil.

They see Elvira flanked and being attacked by two orcs while another pair drag the Weevil from the wagon. Roll initiative!

This fight is not about killing things exactly, it’s about stopping the Orcs from making off with the Weevil. The Bugbears/Orcs have had their HP buffed because the players are two levels higher than the book recommends but the DM left their attacks alone for reasons that will become apparent.

• DM> Anyone want to play Elvira this week?
• Regulus> I can do it.
• Celdar> Go for it… I struggle playing me!

The DM completely ballsed up the initiative board as per usual. Completely different system, exactly the same result <sigh>

• Regulus> Is he still manacled?
• DM> He is, yes.
• <He also has only one hit point left because no one healed him after they KO’d him>
• <Also, no one at any point asked how many hit points he had left>
• Regulus> I don’t think they are friends then… they just want him. Because I was thinking about hitting him with a Magic Missile to stop him getting away…
• <This somewhat concerns the DM because that would kill him>
• DM> I would remind you that he is worth 5,000 gold pieces to you ‘alive’.
• Abelas> Yes, we do not want to kill him!
• Regulus> <as if explaining to a 5-year old (or the DM explaining 3D buildings to Adam)> Yes, but he’s not going to die if I Magic Missile him is he? He’s going to fall unconscious
• DM> Er.. you want to explain the logic of that to me?
• Abelas> Umm… Doesn’t it have to be a melee attack?

Mike was staggeringly disappointed to find out that you can only KO someone with a melee attack. Jake then wanted to cheese melee spells as melee attacks <sigh>.

Sadly, the DM has looked it up and reddit seems to agree that yes, a melee spell attack still counts as a melee attack so yes, you can KO someone with one. The DM thinks this is utter bollocks but will allow it up until he finds a good enough reason not to.

Combat starts with Elvira and the Orcs in the first round and the players coming off the wall acting in the second round.

• – Elvira carves some holes in a nearby orc with her shortswords.
• – Two orcs drag an unwilling Weevil 20ft away from the adventurers (and Jake).
• – An orc lands an attack on Elvira for 11 damage, and that’s why the DM didn’t buff it. That hurts.
• – Two more orcs emerge from behind a building to the south and move to intercept the payers. They end up halfway between the players and the wagon.
• – Clay (once he was added to the initiative board) dashes past the two intercepting orcs and heads straight towards the wagon.
• – Joffrey turns into Panic Snake and Adam discovers that anything large size shakes the screen when it moves. He then spends at least a minute doing it over and over. “Simple minds!” says a laughing Kraj.
• – Panic Snake engages the two intercepting orcs and constricts one of them. The orc has a sudden rethink about his life choices.

Greetings!

• Jake> <dubiously> Am I supposed to be on this?
• DM> <confidently> You are on this.
• <The DM starts rapidly checking the initiative board>
• <The DM swiftly opens the initiative tracker, adds Abelas, moves him into the right position>
• DM> Yes, you’re after Joffrey, obviously, in fact, look, there you are!

Abelas now wants to cast a Bonus-action spell as an Action. Pfft, not happening. Jake then places the Abelas mini next to Panic Snake but he puts it down on the cross between tiles because why would you ever place your mini on a fucking square on a battle map which is designed on a grid when you can place it exactly centred between four different squares so no one knows which one you are actually in? <sigh>

These are intelligent people but for some reason, going all the way back to when we started on paper maps, then dry-wipe maps, then projected maps, then online in TTS and now in Talespire, they simply cannot fathom the staggeringly simple idea that the minis go in the squares and not on the lines between them.

Abelas moves next to one of the intercepting orcs. His mini is holding a sword with one hand and the other is held out in front of him, palm up at face height. He realises that he can’t do a lot more this turn.

• DM> I will give serious inspirations to someone if, when the Taleweaver character editor comes out, they manage to put a turd on Abelas’s outstretched hand!
• <surprised laughter>
• DM> I just want a little curly poo on his palm because that’s what his mini says to me: “Here, sniff this!”
• Abelas> <grumpy> Well, I do shit-all then!
• DM> You hold your hand out towards the orc. It glows blue and ghostly and wraithly. You say to it “Here, sniff this!” and that is all that happens.
• Regulus> <with just the barest smidgin of extreme sarcasm> Good to see we’re focussing on the distractions there…
• Abelas> Well I can’t get over there can I?
• DM> You’re the fastest runner of everyone…
• Abelas> Ignore that!
• DM> You have Fly as a spell…
• Abelas> Oh yeah, I do have Fly… I forgot about Fly! I will admit that I forgot that I could fly.

Regulus casts Expeditious Retreat and legs it halfway to the wagon, ending his turn by shooting and missing one of the Orcs.

Celdar started thinking about Dimension Dooring right into the fight by the wagon:

• DM> Well I’m surprised Clay didn’t Action Surge and run all the… oh, wait.
• <laughter>
• Clay> BOOOOO!

Instead of using his Dimension Door, Celdar moves 30ft, action dashes another 30ft and bonus action Misty Steps another 30ft. This was a lot of effort but it did get him next to Elvira.

A-Dashing We Will Go

Elvira stabby-stabs an orc for a chunk of damage but the two orcs next to her both hit for a 22 damage total, ouch. Two orcs attack Abelas, one hit lands. Two more orcs appear from behind the building nearest to the Weevil. The orcs drag the felon a further 20ft away.

Clay charges once again and runs past Elvira and Celdar and ends up only 15ft from the Weevil.

Adam forgot what his snake abilities do (again), realises he gets advantage on the attacks against the orc he has constricted but then manages to roll a 3 and a 1 much to the DM’s amusement.

Abelas phase-steps and dashes and ends up level with Clay near the Weevil.

Abelas> It’s ok, to hit me Gary has to roll a 19 or 20. If he rolls a 19 or 20 about three times, I die.

Regulus’ turn and he also dashes. Getting right in amongst the two orcs and the prisoner.

• DM> The Weevil looks at you and says “It’s about time you showed up you malfunctioning claptrap!”. All done? Cool, Celdar?
• Celdar> I will cast Dimension Door whilst… I’m trying to say this as less inappropriately as possible… whilst touching Elvira…
• DM> Mate, we have had ‘boob porting’ before and it was physically demonstrated at the table.

Good times indeed!

Elvira and Celdar teleport just in front of the pair dragging the Weevil away. The orcs are now surrounded. However, nearby at the edge of the inn, two more orcs are hiding. Celdar bonus action disen-fucking-gages and then decides not to.

The DM had intended to drag the Weevil around the back of the keep but now that route was blocked a single orc drags the prisoner 15ft towards the front of the keep. This is noticed by a pair of guardsmen on sentry duty outside the keep gates and they join the fray.

We then had one of those special Adam moments that we all love so much:

• DM> These two orcs are going to attack Joffrey.
• Joffrey> Rude!
• DM> <rolls 11 & 7> What’s your armour class?
• Joffrey> Er.. fifteen…?
• DM> <looks it up> Yeah, it’s twelve, nice try though.
• Joffrey> Wot?
• DM> Giant Constrictor Snake; armour class twelve.
• Joffrey> Yeah, but you gave me special armour.
• DM> … … ugh…
• Clay> Is the armour like the wax they put around Edam?
• <sniggers>
• Joffrey> Hide of the Feral Guardian; armour grants you a plus one to AC.
• Regulus> <flatly> So your armour class is thirteen.
• DM> <deep sigh> So yes, it’s thirteen. Neither of us were right.. but I was closer than you were.
• Joffrey> How did I end up with fifteen?!
• Celdar> How long have you been cheesing that for?
• Joffrey> I don’t know!
• <laughter>

Meanwhile, back on the side of the map where the real fight was happening, Clay and Abelas are attacked by orcs:

• DM> That one will attack Clay.. and misses, that one will attack Abelas.. <DM rolls a 19>
• Abelas> OH FUCK OFF!
• DM> YES! Get fucking in there! Eleven?! Eleven damage, yeah!

Yes, the DM enjoyed that entirely too much.

• – Celdar got hit and used Uncanny Dodge to halve the damage but then decides to use Shield instead to reduce all the damage.
• – Clay runs past an orc and proudly states “I will attempt to grapple the Weevil”. This was uncontested and Clay ended up with one arm wrapped around the Weevil’s neck in a tug-of-war with the orc.
• – Joffrey attacks and hits the orc he has grappled for 14 damage, which was nice.
• – Abelas casts Fly on himself and zooms straight up 50ft, provoking an attack of opportunity from the adjacent orc which misses. DM “You put your fingers up his nose and say ‘sniff this!’ and then go vertically upwards!”

• DM> Everyone else, you can now see right up his robes!
• Abelas> I can feel the breeze!
• Celdar> That is fucking epic!

I’m fairly sure he was referring to the flying mini and not the view but you never know with these elf-boys <sigh>

• – Regulus provokes an attack of opportunity but then misses with his own attack. “He was put off by the view up the wizard’s robes” suggested the DM.
• – Regulus then runs away from the one he attacked provoking yet another attack of opportunity. It’s ok, he has a plan. His second attack, a proper meaty fisting, did a chunk of damage to an orc next to the Weevil.
• – Celdar, surrounded by three orcs, bonus action disen-fucking-gages, attempts a sneaky backstab but doesn’t quite make it. Then we realise he gets a flanking bonus and did actually hit! For twenty damage!
• – Elvira’s turn and Mike’s full cheese plan is revealed! By drawing the attacks of opportunity with the high AC Regulus, the orcs could not attack the low-HP Elvira when she decides to get the fuck out of Dodge. Grade-A D&Ding there, well done!
• – At this point Mike realises Elvira doesn’t have Stormsong attuned and so she should have been hitting for +11 instead of ‘only’ +10. “Plus fucking eleven?!” was Celdar’s plaintive question. Yes, Arcane Archers are the tits.

The DM reluctantly has to do what the mobs would do and they aren’t stupid. Abelas has fucked off skywards and Elvira legged it south so Celdar is left alone next to several orc raiders and they all pile in:

Gang Bang

• DM> I’m sorry Kraj, this is probably going to hurt… because the wizard left you in the lurch.
• Abelas> Meh.
• Celdar> Everybody did!
• Joffrey> I didn’t, I haven’t got up there yet!
• <DM moves five 11-damage orcs to surround Celdar>

The transparent white-thing is the space formerly known as Abelas the Nearly Drownded.

You know when you are watching The Raid or John Wick and some one gets it in a particularly brutal manner and you mentally go “Whoa!” or “Oooh-fuck!”? There were lots of those sorts of noises.

• Regulus> Oooh! I actually feel a little bit guilty now!
• DM> Yeah, they are not stupid.
• Regulus> Although I’d rather Kraj died than Christina. If I’m honest. No offence.
• Celdar> She couldn’t be arsed to turn up!
• Regulus> <clearly still determined not to cause any offence> I mean character-wise, obviously, and I know Christina better so if one of you has to die…

The DM rolls five attacks and hits with two, Celdar shields and takes no damage.

Abelas offers to save Celdar. Celdar rather dismissively dismisses the wizard’s help stating that he can go invisible and escape by himself. Abelas says that he can get Celdar out of there whilst damaging all of the orcs. Celdar is intrigued. We will get back to this shortly.

• – Panic Snake takes two hits for twenty-two damage and barely notices.
• – Clay steams into an orc for his first attack and adds a trip attack for 19 damage. The DM rather childishly (but quite funnily) adopts a bit of a girly voice “My name is Abelas, I just hit you for 5 & 6 now surrender!”.
• – Abelas was unimpressed.
• – Clay hits the same one again for a further 13 damage (that’s still 2 more than Ablas managed with two attacks).

Died on it’s feet

One thing a DM has to do is try and recognise when a fight is over and attempt to end it quickly at that point. Even though there are still a lot of orcs on the table, most of them are severely wounded and they have zero chance of getting the Weevil out of there. So now is the time to find a way to bring this to a close without spending all day on it.

The guards up on the wall by Joffrey notice the commotion below and drag a mounted heavy crossbow over to the inside wall and shoot the non-grappled orc for an instant kill, skewering him to the ground.

• Mike> The snake said “Missssed!”
• <a momentary silence occurs while comedy dies>

Up on the roof of the keep, the Lord appears having been bothered by the commotion and lobs a level 5 Magic Missile at the closest orc and obliterates it.

Joffrey, instead of biting the constricted orc and then dragging it, decides to drag it 30ft and then bite it. He tears the head of the poor sap. Joffrey then reverts to human form and at this point we realise that the players have an ‘End Turn’ button and so the DM doesn’t have to do it for them.

Abelas zooms down 60ft and grabs a slightly-willing Celdar and then casts a level 4 Thunderstep and deposits the rogue on the roof of the wagon.

Thunder… THUNDERSTEP!

(And if you don’t now have AC/DC in your head, you have no musical soul)

You teleport yourself to an unoccupied space you can see within range. Immediately after you disappear, a thunderous boom sounds, and each creature within 10 feet of the space you left must make a Constitution saving throw, taking 3d10 thunder damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one. The thunder can be heard from up to 300 feet away.

You can bring along objects as long as their weight doesn’t exceed what you can carry. You can also teleport one willing creature of your size or smaller who is carrying gear up to its carrying capacity. The creature must be within 5 feet of you when you cast this spell, and there must be an unoccupied space within 5 feet of your destination space for the creature to appear in; otherwise, the creature is left behind.

Abelas hammers five orcs and an unfortunate nearby chicken. Sad news; the chicken didn’t make it.

Three of the five orcs fail the save but Jake rolls a rather lowly 14 from 4 x d10 (average 22, max 40). “There’s that fourteen again Jake!” Observed Matt. Jake was unimpressed.

• Abelas> <mournfully> That was a level 4 spell…
• DM> Well it’s not the spells fault, it’s your dice, frankly.

Cledar is contemplating getting inside the wagon so he can hide:

• Celdar> Can I get in the wagon from the roof?
• DM> Er.. yeah, make an Acrobatics check for me.
• <Celdar rolls a 1>
• Regulus> Holy shit balls!
• DM> What you attempt to do is a handstand on the edge of the canvas and then swing down…
• Abelas> <unintelligible>… in the balls!
• DM> … and jackknife and slide through the 2ft gap between the canvas and the wagon siding. What actually happens is your left leg goes above the canvas and your right leg goes below it and you enter the wagon at speed astride the edge of the canvas. That smarts rather a lot but you are inside the wagon, although prone and in a snotty heap in the corner. Can everyone else make perception checks for me please?

Abelas, Regulus and Joffrey saw Celdar’s amazing wagon entry, Clay did not “What’s that on my shoe?!” uttered Matt after rolling low.

• DM> A very loud elvish curse emanates from the wagon bed followed by the sound of a groan.
• Celdar> <deep sigh>
• Abelas> <sympathetically> It doesn’t matter how cool you try to be, the dice just fuck you!

Celdar bonus action hides and sneak-attacks (with advantage) raider 9 for 18 damage. His balls may hurt but he still hits hard.

• DM> Are you done?
• Celdar> Yes, I am spent.
• <juvenile sniggers>
• Abelas> Don’t say that when you’re just below me!

There are only three remaining orcs left now and they all dash 60ft up the side of the inn away from the players. Clay longbows the lowest hit point runner. The attack lands and he then attempts a cheesy range trip attack:

• Clay> Wow!
• Regulus> That is the Mattest roll I’ve ever seen!

The Lord of the Keep, perched on the battlements above, is just shaking his head.

• DM> The Lord casts Chain Lightning at the three orcs…
• Abelas> That’s just overkill!

They all fail the save and take 10d8 lightning damage, totalling 51 damage each.

DM> He’s got a bit of a bazzy on, the Lord so combat ends, he flies down to the orcs. He pulls out a scimitar and hacks off two of the orc heads and then flies off with them towards the front wall.

The adventurers (and Jake) throw the Weevil in the wagon and leave him once again under guard by Elvira and then they head to the wall.

The Lord arrives at the wall, casts an illusion which makes him appear somewhat larger that the frost giant, holds up the two orc heads and tells the attacking force that if the grounds in front of his keep aren’t clear in 30 seconds, he’s going to start dropping meteors.

The attacking forces retreat.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Jake remember he can fly, right up to the sky?
• – Will Matt have to interrupt a dramatic moment to go find another handbag?
• – Will Joffrey do anything useful?
• <Look, it’s harsh but it’s funny, okay?>
• – Will they manage to make it to Mirabar with the Weevil?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

• Jake> I’m so sad. If the damage had matched the coolness of what I did, it was going to be a cloak billow!
• <Yeah, swiftly followed by a lightning bolt from the sky for billowing under false pretences>
• Kraj> You did seven to half of them!
• Jake> <really depressed> Yeah, I know.
• <laughter>
• Jake> <sounding even more depressed> Yeah… if you… if you actually add up the damage it was like an alright amount.
• DM> <losing it> Counsellor Kraj makes it all better!
• Mike> And I thought it was only Kraj’s character that stabbed people in the back, but no!

Ok, lets get right to it; Jake’s manoeuvre was not remotely billow-worthy even if the damage had been better. If Kraj had been about to die and really needed saving then yeah, maybe, but he wasn’t and hence it was just a bog standard AoE spell. It wasn’t even close to a billow. “Oh, look at me, I cast a spell!” is not billow-worthy. If you cloak-billow just for casting a spell whilst ‘saving’ someone who didn’t need saving, that’s not going to end well for you.

Billowing is for clever or unusual activities. Just going “Ima cast an AoE!” does not warrant billowing of anything. Unless you roll really high and kill everything of course. If you cast a typical Fireball, you don’t get to billow. If you roll spectacularly high on the Fireball, then you get to billow.

Now Mike could have done a cloak billow because getting Elvira out of the crap was some clever stuff. Simply casting an AoE in an area is neither clever nor unusual and is, in fact, pish.

And this is why I shouldn’t do write ups when I’m ill 🙂

• Kraj as Cledar the Sneak Attacker – But his computer is so slow he’s going to go and make a drink while it loads?
• Matt as Clay the Layer of Blame – I want it on record for the minutes that Mike agreed with Adam!
• Mike as Regoolas the Chosen One – That’s ‘mister’ Regoolas to you!
• Jake as Abelas the Communications Specialist (and Murderer) – I DON’T KNOW.. I.. what the.. I… what the answ.. what that question was!
• Adam as Joffrey the Strangely Quiet – I looked down and saw that I had muted myself!
• Christina as Elvira the Evader of Questions – I don’t know, I can see the advantages of both!

With:

Gary as the Calm DM – TALK TO FUCKING SOMEONE!

Author’s Note: Talespire doesn’t have any dragon minis in it yet. This is important for a funny that comes later.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Expecting Kraj to join half an hour before the session start time and whinge at him about various D&D problems he’s having (like normal), the DM started his prep much earlier, finished much earlier and then Kraj didn’t join until 1 minute before kick off <sigh>

Mike joined, complained everyone was a bit quiet and suspected Windows had altered his volumes:

• Mike> Ah there we go…
• DM> I got a bit carried away….
• Mike> AAAH! Sorry, I just turned that up too much…
• DM> HELLLLOOOO?! HEYYYYYY!!!
• Mike> <sigh>

Start as you mean to go on, right?

The DM explained that he may have gotten a bit too carried away with the wagon design as they were about to find out. It went from four paragraphs to four pages <sigh>.

Mister Regoolas?

The adventurers (and Jake) depart Kryptgarden Forest and make for the nearby settlement of Red Larch because they are finding they need a wagon and Red Larch is home to the finest wagon makers in The North.

Named for a distinctive stand of red larch trees that were cut down when the village was founded, Red Larch is situated on a fertile patch of land on the western outskirts of the Sumber Hills, at a place where the Kheldell Path and the Cairn Road meet the Long Road.

Despite its small size, Red Larch offers many fine amenities, including the Allfaiths Shrine, a place of worship that caters to multiple faiths; the Swinging Sword, a respectable three-story stone inn with a high-pitched roof; and the Helm at Highsun, a ramshackle yet lively tavern.

Red Larch featured heavily in a previous campaign and timeline-wise, this campaign overlaps that campaign so we get to have a little bit of crossover but before that, there’s the wagon issue to take care of.

We don’t have a map because that’s in the Princes of the Apocalypse campaign book and the DM refuses to pay D&D Beyond £25 for a digital copy of a book he already owns. A map could have been ‘procured’ but the DM was too busy writing up four pages of wagon acquisition narrative. Plus, we don’t need no stinkin’ map!

As the adventurers (and Jake) arrive at the busier part of the main street a young boy approaches them. He is relatively well dressed in worn but clean working clothes and is squinting at a scrap of paper in his hand:

• Boy> ’Scuse me, are any of you Mister Regoolas? I have a message here for Mister Regoolas!
• Mr Regoolas> <sigh> I am…. Mister Regoolas.
• Boy> Mister Thorsk at the Thelorn wagon yard needs to talk to you about your wagon sir.
• Mr Regoolas> Ah… good… which wagon would that be?
• Boy> No idea sir, I just get to read the message.
• DM> The boy runs off.
• Mr Regoolas> Could you point us in the direc… ah, ok
• DM> Yeah, he’s gone…
• Mr Regoolas> I’m still talking to air…

Thankfully a nearby bystander points them in the right direction. Thelorn’s Safe Journeys comprises of three huge sheds in a triangle surrounded by sturdy wagons at all stages of assembly. The quality of Thelorn’s wagons is well known throughout the region.

• DM> You are pointed to a tall burly looking gentleman otherwise indistinguishable from the other workers.
• Thorsk> I’m Thorsk Thelorn, I take it one of you is Mr Regoolas?
• Mr Regoolas> Yes, it is pronounced ‘Regulus’. We were told to come and speak to you Mister Thorsk.
• Thorsk> Ah, yes, some weeks ago a very… ‘flamboyant’ gentleman dropped off a delivery of wagon parts along with some basic assembly instructions. He said a Mr Regoolas would be along to take delivery and approve the final design elements. While he provided the parts, he said you would pay for the labour.
• DM> And he cocks an eyebrow at you.
• Mr Regoolas> Of course we will compensate you for the work you have done.
• Thorsk> Ok, that will be 11,000 gold pieces please.
• <silence>
• DM> Just joshing!
• <nervous laughter>
• Abelas> My eyes went wide!
• Thorsk> There’s been a lot of time put into this but it’s 250 gold pieces but I will do you a deal. This wagon is a bit special, people are going to ask you where it was made. If you agree to mention our name, I’ll drop the price down to 150 gold.
• Mr Regoolas> Yeah, I’ll tinker some sort of display with your name on it.
• Thorsk> Outstanding, just a small plate on the back will be fine.

Thorsk takes them over to a tarpaulin covered pile which turns out to be various plates and parts of a dark grey metal He explains that these were left over from building the basic design.

The parts are of a metal that Thorsk has never seen before, dark grey and very strong. It resembles Darksteel but is extremely light. They have constructed a normal, basic wagon out of wood but only at half the usual thickness. The metal plates have then been attached to the wood making for a very light and yet very sturdy chassis.

The bed of the wagon is 20ft long and 8ft wide. It resembles a large flat-bottomed boat with the prow cut off. The side are around 4ft high. The body sits 4ft clear of the ground on four spoked wheels clad in the same grey metal. A large central bar runs the length of the underside of the body and holds the axles and the suspension which is a leaf spring design.

As Standard

Thorsk says “I know it looks like a bit of a monster but well… let me demonstrate”

He beckons three nearby workers over and the four them take a wheel each and, with only moderate effort, manage to lift the wagon completely off the floor and then gently set it down again.

Thorsk then says “It’s not dainty but you should be able to carry it over rough ground if you need to. You’ll probably want to unload any cargo first though” he looks the party over “But something tells me you won’t be hauling much in the way of cargo so we need to discuss what to do with the rest of it.”

“All of our wagons come as standard with externally mounted water barrels, feed boxes and tool kits should you need to make repairs. The seams are also caulked and so should be waterproof and this model will float if you need to cross any rivers. You also get a canvas roof that can easily be fitted or removed as required.”

“Currently it is fitted with collapsible bench seats. Sounds rough but they are actually cushioned and comfortable. We can also add some utility items to the inside like, for example, a small smithy. Obviously this costs cargo space. If you can think of a need, we can probably fit something in there to take care of it… might get expensive though.”

“This is as far as the plans we were given go, with two outstanding design choices to be made; where the driver sits and whether the armoured panels are fixed or folding.”

Insy or Outsy?

He tells the adventurers (and Jake)… you know I’m going to keep that up until the end of the campaign, right? Anyway, he tells them that the first decision is whether you want the driver inside the body of the wagon or on a more traditional seat on the outside. The inside option is safer for the driver but makes steering the wagon a lot harder. The outside option exposes the driver but allows for more space and utility inside the wagon. If they choose the outside option the yard can fit retractable protective plates to cover the driver’s flanks and give some decent protection from the sides at least.

Thorsk says “Whatever you choose, we can always reverse it but again, might get a bit expensive.”

A discussion took place. It was relatively short for this lot which means it would still put a soviet tractor production committee to shame. I’ll cover bits of it.

• Mr Regoolas> <having given some reasoning> …so I would have thought on the outside. What does everybody else think?
• <silence>
• <silence>
• <tumbleweed>
• <laughter>

Dungeons and Dragons; friends solving problems together with dice <sigh>.

• Clay> My gut is inside!
• <I would certainly hope so!>
• Elvira> Er… I missed last week, what’s happening?
• Mr Regoolas> <sigh>

Looking back through the recording, Adam appeared on the Discord overlay at timestamp 31:30, which was the point where the boy with the note asked Regulus if he were Mr Regoolas. At 41:03 Adam is actually heard for the first time:

Adam> I really thought you guys were trolling me really well until I looked down and saw that I had muted myself!

The ensuing hysteria and abuse derailed things nicely for a while.

Adam> The problem was, every time I said something, someone else said something that made sense as a response!

And that set everyone off again.

• – Mike asked Christina what she thought, “I don’t know, I can see the advantages of both” was the non-committal reply.
• – Adam wants both options and to put a dummy driver up on the front seat.
• – Mike invited Adam to go back on mute.
• – Adam wants the facility to go full Mad Max and strap the next prisoner to the front of it <sigh>
• <Secretly the DM quite likes this idea but don’t tell anyone, especially Adam okay?!>
• – Thorsk offers to fit extra long traces so the driver can bail into the wagon if needed. Steering in a straight line would be okay, anything else probably wouldn’t be.
• – Adam now wants a kind of half-arsed ejection system to flip the driver back into the wagon bed <sigh>
• – Kraj employed logic and reasoning, abandoned both when it was too hard and rolled a d4 to make the decision for him <sigh>
• – The DM suggested that anyone’s decision that was based on not being able to make a decision should probably be ignored.

Eventually, they had a vote and outside won.

• Matt> I want it on record for the minutes that Mike agreed with Adam!
• <laughter>

The DM informed the adventurers (and Jake) that while wagon driving is a skill, anyone can drive the wagon. Driving the wagon well is another matter, especially in tight quarters or at high speed. However, simply spending time driving the wagon will make you better at it.

Flexible or Rigid?

DM> Thorsk has been waiting patiently while you had this discussion and has a rather amused look on his face. He says “Right then… second decision”.

He explains that the second decision involves the mounting of armoured panels above the existing sides. These are 4ft high giving a total of 8ft of armour and they enclose the entire body of the wagon. They have covered ports that will allow those inside to shoot things at those outside, three on each side and one front and rear.

These can be mounted in a fixed manner so they are permanently up, or in a flexible manner where they fold down outside of the wagon bed when not in use. The downside of the flexible version is that it takes a bit of time to put them up. However, folding ones make for a much better passenger experience and allow for more flexible cargo arrangements or utility options… like if you want it to extend the bed outwards, for example.

DM> “So what do you think?” he says and goes and casually leans against a nearby post settling in for a while.

• – Jake wants an auto-extend mechanism.
• – Thorsk says it’ll cost a bit but they have a backlog and can’t do the work for at least 3 weeks.
• – Mike points out, probably correctly, that if the go flexible they just have to understand that they will never have the sides up at the right time.
• – Adam wants to get the flexible ones and then just never put them down <sigh>
• – Mister Regoolas arbitrarily decides to go for flexible without putting it to a vote and thus saved us a couple of hours of discussion.

Upgrades

The workers wheel the wagon back into the yard to start work and Thorsk says to Mister Regoolas “The gentleman suggested you may have more plans?”

Regulus and Thorsk look over the plans from the book and investigation checks are made. It takes a bit of time but a joint effort gets them a little further in understanding the instructions but not much. The plans seem… not exactly encrypted but they aren’t designed to be easily interpreted either. They make some headway when Thorsk figures out that they are written in the journal in the wrong order.

Thorsk states “These are beyond me, but it’s better now we have them in the right order and they require the services of a master enchanter to get started… that might get expensive. The next upgrades look like a rear defence option, a roof and then there’s a mount for some serious weaponry but it doesn’t say what it is… I think, these last three sets are… looks dwarven… mechanical. I can’t make head nor tail of them. Nothing we can do with them for now, try chatting with a few other master smiths and see if they can help figure it out then bring it back and we’ll build it for you but… might get expensive”

“If you come up with any ideas for fitting small modifications, drop by and well see what we can do.”

Shopping, Thinking and Maths

The DM enquired if anyone wanted to do some shopping. Mister Regoolas pointed out quite pointedly that everyone should buy a healing kit.

• Adam> How much is this wagon costing us each?
• Jake> It’s 150g total so…. So…. Erm… I… <sniggering starts> Oh someone maths it, I can’t be arsed!
• DM> If you’d had to pay for the materials you’d still be paying for it in a few years. Thankfully, you are being aided by someone who owes you quite a lot.

There was a LOT of discussion about how much gold everyone had.

• Kraj> Er… apparently I have no gold! I thought I had about 35…
• DM> You had 260, I saw it on your character sheet earlier…
• Kraj> <sigh> You probably deleted it.
• Jake> <meaningfully> You probably gave it to me didn’t you?
• Mike> Kraj, that was brave, you’ve basically just blamed the DM for you losing money. I admire your bravery!
• Kraj> It’s always his fault!
• DM> <laughing> I’ve cost him so much money in games we’ve never played. We better make it to retirement or I’m going to get properly guilted out.

Then it was bright idea time:

• Mister Regoolas> I wonder if I should get a spare healers kit for Anonymoose, and somehow train him to administer first aid! Oh, I want to do that now.
• <Mister Regoolas has an animal Handling skill of +1, the DM is not worried >
• Joffrey> I mean we could put little satchels on Solo with healing potions in!
• <silence>
• Mister Regoolas> Well… let’s see what solo turns into first.
• DM> <having not thought it through> That is not actually a terrible idea…

Before heading off to the inn/tavern, they pressed the button on the box and it was decided to put Solo, Joffrey’s tressym (flying cat) in the box:

• DM> Solo just looks at you as you try to coax him into the box, he’s really not sure.
• Joffrey> I give him a little bit of cheese to encourage him in.
• DM> Ok, he goes in, he sitting there with this lump of cheese hanging loosely out of his mouth and he’s just looking at you, he’s doing the puss-in-boots look up at you…

Abelas> Awww. He’s trying to empathise with the wrong person though.

The lid is closed, the button is pressed and the glowy purple light does its thing. Solo comes out as a very dark purple flying panther. Just to be clear, Solo is exactly the same size as he was when he went in, so while he’s a flying panther, he’s still only the size of a large house cat.

So now it’s time for Regoolas’ gloves except it turns out they aren’t gloves, they are his actual hands and so they have to be detached, with the obvious problems that brings, and then when they are fantabulousised they have to be put back on. The DM would have really liked to have dragged this out but we’re going to Talepire in a bit and there only so much shit-show the DM can handle in one session.

Regoolas can now choose the elemental damage type of his fists once per day as a bonus action. The DM needs to flesh that out as he did it off the cuff and absolutely nothing can go wrong with designing magical items in a rush, right? Right.

It’s party time. P, A, R, T. Why? Because I gotta!

So they head in to the inn and run into Cru and the rest of the PoA party. Drinks and conversations were had. Celdar and Darin sit moodily at the end of a table saying nothing and being emo. There’s a Tempest Cleric who seems to be drinking some kind of cocktail made of drain cleaner and glitter. There’s a wizard who Abelas tries to talk to and comes to the conclusion that A) he probably isn’t a wizard and B) he may be a bit mad. Cru and Clay hit it off really well.

It’s not that the DM forgot Kroq (he totally did) it’s just that Kroq was off chasing Hellhounds… or something.

• DM> There also a really annoying bard…
• Clay> Boooooooooo! I throw a tomato!
• DM> He warms the crowd up with a rendition of ‘Darin is a Cunt’. Matt can you roll on the performance table please?

Matt rolls low….

DM> Some days it just doesn’t work. You can’t hold a note and you keep forgetting the lyrics. You are booed off stage and the innkeeper charges you 5g for loss of earnings.

The DM did these performance tables for Uffo back in the day. There are 100 entries to see what happens when you perform. It’s just a nice thing to do in various inns as you travel and it will, mostly, end up profiting from a small amount of gold. Any bard in any future campaign can use these if they wish.

Chazlauth Revisited

So now they need to services of a master enchanter to continue the work and there’s only one they know of. Regoolas is not very happy about this.

They return to Chazlauth’s tall stone house with a tower in the North Ward of Waterdeep. The DM reminds them that Chazlauth was the one that sent them to Kryptgarden to see if they could learn anything from Claugiliamatar. That name drop was quite intentional.

DM> You have to knock several times and quite loudly before Chazlauth opens the door:

“Yes, yes, hang on friends I’m coming…” He sees Regulus “Oh, it’s you…” He sighs deeply “Come inside I’ll get the tea on..” he looks behind you “Nice wagon”. He stares at Regulus “Looks expensive” and totters off into the house.

• Regoolas> <sigh> I fear it is going to be.
• Abelas> Why have you pissed off the one person we need?!
• Regoolas> In my mind he is now my nemesis!

The tea is excellent, the house is far quieter than it was during their last visit. When they are all settled and drinking Chazlauth asks “Did you meet her in Kryptgarden?”

• Regoolas> Yes, yes we did…
• Abelas> I’ve got this haunted look on my face!
• Chazluath> Ah, I see you did! Do you happen to know her real name?
• Regoolas> Er… yes.. it was… Claugiliamatar.
• DM> Chazlauth looks completely stunned “It cannot be! It is impossible to pronounce a dragon’s real name unless <gasp> You must be who the prophecies speak of! You must be… the Chosen One!”
• <slightly hysterical laughter>
• Abelas> <losing it> Sorry, sorry! This is a very serious occasion!
• Regoolas> <cautiously> Chosen by whom?
• Chazluath> The prophecies! They choose the chosen one! Don’t you feel like the chosen one?
• Regoolas> <wearily> I sometimes feel like I’ve been chosen for something… yes.
• Chazluath> Well, for a start it is prophesied that the Chosen One will believe anything you tell him! HAHAHA! HAHA-HAHA! HAAAAH-okay, whaddya want?

Apologies to the script writers of Constantine for that one.

Adam had to leave rather abruptly but he remained in Discord. The DM wanted to kick him from the chat so we could discuss something that Adam has forgotten about and the DM didn’t want him to hear. And so it came to be that DM, who has over thirty five years experience working with IT, managed to kick Adam from the entire discord server and not just the channel <sigh>

Chazza Can Fix it For You

Regoolas explains the issue to Chazlauth and shows him the diagrams. Chazlauth can’t make head nor tail of them until Regoolas notices he is holding them upside down and gently corrects the issue.

Chazluath says “Hmm, you have two problems, portability and defence”, and he rummages in his robes and brings out a small crystal ball about the size of a peach. It is a reddish brown colour and he holds it up balanced on the tips of his fingers and thumb and squints at you all through it.

• DM> You all feel a force attempting to pull you… elsewhere, it doesn’t feel hostile, quite the opposite, do you acquiesce?
• Regoolas> <reluctantly> Yes…
• <silence>
• DM> <sigh> Does anyone NOT acquiesce?
• Abelas> No.
• <silence while everyone tries to work out what that means>
• Abelas> I don’t… not… acquiesce?
• <laughter>
• Abelas> My brain! My brain didn’t know what it was doing!
• DM> I sympathise, I’ve had a lot of that lately, but it’s still going in the write up.
• Abelas> Oh nooooo!
• <sympathetic laughter>
• DM> Suddenly you are in a gorgeous mountain meadow, still sitting in the chairs and the sofa you were before. It is idyllic; green grass, fragrant flowers, a clear bubbling stream, blue skies, puffy white clouds and off in the distance over the mountains, several young brass dragons seem to be playing tag in the sky. And then, just like that, you are back again.

“Portable dimension sphere” says Chazluath “Look at the wagon through the orb, it and the horses go off to have a frolic while you all go to get slaughtered by giants. Works once a day. Can’t give you this one, they’ll get eaten”

He totters over to a nearby cabinet and opens a panel revealing a rack of at least a dozen of the orbs, he mutters over them for a few seconds, picks one up and casually tosses it over his shoulder to Regulus without looking. The DM asks Regulus to make a dexterity check. In hindsight, that may have been a mistake <sigh>

Pass the Fucking Parcel!

• Regulus> Er.. that’s ten?
• DM> You throw your hand up and you almost catch it but it bounces off your fingertips to the right. Elvira, could you please make a Dex check?

Now the DM hadn’t seriously thought Regulus would fail it and even if he did Elvira has dexterity for days so she’ll catch it, right? Right. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Elvira rolls a nine <sigh>

The DM takes a deep breath, wonders why he thought this was a good idea and desperately tries to get out of it… but not really thinking it through when he asked Clay, AKA ‘Matt the doom dicer’, to roll next.

• DM> Okay then… you fumble it completely and it shoots back up in the air. Clay, can you please make a check… but you’ve been watching so you aren’t surprised so it’s just a straight Dex check.
• <Matt rolls>
• <People laugh>
• Matt> <depressed> Seven
• <More laughter>
• Mike> I think we all know where this is going to go, it’s going to be up to Jake to catch it isn’t it?
• Jake> No! Nooooo! I’ll drop it!
• DM> <lets out a long heartfelt sigh> You shoot a fast hand out to grab it but instead it hits your fingertips and shoots across the room towards… Abelas. <With weary resignation> Abelas, could you please make a Dex check for me?
• Mike> This is your moment to shine!
• <No pressure there then>
• Jake> What if I cast Mage Hand to catch it?
• DM> No time! Tell you what, as you and Celdar are both stood next to each other and you’ve both had plenty of time to see it coming, you are absolutely ready for it! Can you both roll please?
• Jake> C’mon, c’mon, I don’t ask much from you dice!
• <Jake’s dice completely ignore him and produce an 8. Groans turn to cheers as Kraj rolls a 17!>
• DM> Celdar just casually snatches it our of the air and passes it sideways to Regulus without even looking at him.

<sigh> Well done everyone, another happy landing!

The orb is a light blue colour and functionally indestructible so it wouldn’t really have mattered if they’d dropped it except to give Chazluath something to be grumpy about.

Damp it Down

Chazlauth watches the orb orbit the room, rolling his eyes as it finally gets to Regulus and he says “As for defence, I need to enchant the wagon with a magic dampening field. You won’t be able to cast spells inside it but spells cast at it won’t work either. Magic items, anything inherently magic will work just fine inside it but that goes both ways so don’t piss off a dragon ‘cause it will still, eventually, melt it into scrap!

It’ll take two days to get the work done, with the orb that’s 8,000 gold, but you’re going up against the giants so we’ll make it 4,000, I’ll take a 2,000 gold deposit, the rest payable in a year or I get the wagon and the horses” and just for a second you think you see his eyes turn a metallic brown colour “Don’t make me come and get it”

Jake> I don’t think I ever wanted to say this Mike but I think you might be right!

The DM summarises the situation and manages to cock that up as well:

• DM> Once per day you can banish the wagon and any willing creatures and once per day you can bring them back. The orb recharges at dawn. It’s 2,000 gold, you still owe him 2,000 gold. You’ve got a year, you may well die in a year facing off against the dragons and if so, Chazluath gets the wagon and the horses.
• Mike> Giants…
• DM> Yeah…
• Mike> Facing off against the giants…
• DM> What did I say?
• Everyone> Dragons!
• DM> <casually> You don’t think there’s dragons in this?
• Matt> Not if we’re moving to Talespire there isn’t!
• <laughter>

Oh touché sir! Remind me next Thursday Matt and I’ll give you an ‘Owning the DM’ inspiration.

They started a discussion on who would pay what to the war wagon.

• Kraj> I’m sure I heard Adam say he would pay a thousand.
• Matt> If you don’t want to put all your money in, just say so!

The DM sent message to Adam via the WhatsApp channel, thanking Joffrey for his generous donation to the war wagon widows and orphans fund. Joffrey actually only donated 250g

Adam, this has been removed from Joffrey’s sheet, you still have 390g left.

The Grand Tour

They have a couple of travel options and they decided to take the wagon on a leisurely drive through the countryside of the North in summertime. Sadly, they weren’t attacked as the DM spent entirely too much time designing it and didn’t have enough time to design an encounter to test it. I’ll get to it though, don’t worry.

They arrive at Longsaddle where the DM had a complete reading fail. This is what he eventually managed to deliver:

This sleepy little frontier village and member of the Lords’ Alliance straddles the Long Road, with rows of homes and businesses on either side of the trade route. Noteworthy establishments include a rustic inn called the Gilded Horseshoe and a friendly festhall called the Gambling Golem, where card games and a local marbles game known as scattershields are popular. Off in the distance, one can see horses and herds of cattle on sprawling ranches.

Monsters or brigands sometimes mistake Longsaddle for easy pickings — unaware that a family of powerful human wizards, the Harpells, lives nearby. Their grand house, Ivy Mansion, lies west of Longsaddle at the end of a long, winding path. The Harpells founded the village but take no part in its government, preferring to live quietly on their estate. Magical wards placed throughout Longsaddle and the Ivy Mansion warn the Harpells when trouble’s afoot.

As the characters pass through Longsaddle, they see a wanted poster bearing a charcoal sketch of a dwarf with dark hair and a mad gaze, under which are written words in Common: “Let justice be done! The Marchion of Mirabar hereby offers 5,000 gold pieces for the capture of the brigand Worvil Forkbeard, known from Luskan to Mirabar as the Weevil. Last seen around the Mines of Mirabar, the Weevil is wanted for theft and murder. He is armed and dangerous. Deliver him to the Axe of Mirabar to receive payment.”

The DM stresses the ‘capture’ part of the equation.

• Abelas> Can we show that to… can we just make sure that Elvira understands it completely that we want this person alive.
• <Laughter starts>
• <The DM thought that was a bit rich coming from Abelas the slayer of helpless captives>
• Regulus> Prisoner! Pris… on… er! To be fair, he wasn’t the last one to kill a prisoner was he?
• Elvira> Prisoner?! Shoot it!
• Regulus> Yes Jake, but what if this one annoys you?
• Abelas> It’s okay, I can control myself!
• Regulus> Yes, but with your saving throws you’re not going to be controlling anyone else.

Ohhhh! A hit right in the unmentionables with that one!

Tales From the Spire (here commenseth the shit-show)

Not much else going on in Longsaddle so they boogied on down, boogied on down that road to Xantharl’s Keep to try and find the evil Weevil.

• DM> Can you please load Talespire up now please?
• Jake> I’m going to flex and keep TTS open while I load up Talespire. While that loads, I’m going to grab a drink.
• Kraj> “I’m gonna flex and leave TTS and load Talespire” but his computer is so slow he’s going to go and make a drink while it loads?
• DM> I was thinking it, you said it!
• <mucho laughter at Jake’s expense>

The players were loaded into the home board, a nice campfire setting and Christina’s laptop didn’t catch fire. Which was nice. The DM then summoned everyone to the Xantharl’s Keep board which is a lot bigger and has a lot more elements to it and Christina’s laptop didn’t explode. Which was also nice.

Xantharl was a well-known ranger and explorer of the North. The fortified village that bears his name stands in the middle of nowhere, on the west side of a notoriously dangerous and rugged stretch of the Long Road. An outer wall with heavy crossbows mounted to its battlements encloses a keep sheltered by a steep roof to shed snow. Surrounding the keep are dozens of narrow stone houses with heavy shutters and steep roofs of their own. The Falling Orc inn and tavern, a wood-frame structure built on the remains of an older stone building that caught fire and burned down, stands near the main gates next to the stables. The hulking yet friendly proprietor, Arzastra, is a half-ogre.

The Lord of Xantharl’s Keep is Narbeck Horn who reports to the marchion of Mirabar. Narbeck has a sending stone that allows him to speak to the marchion directly, ensuring that news of any threat to Mirabar from the south is quickly relayed. Narbeck commands a garrison of one hundred fifty veterans, which is over twice the population of the village itself.

Cutscene mode was engaged and the DM delivered the above narrative while switching the view from the gate to a long range shot of the entire village, then the keep, on to the inn and finally a shot of the blacksmiths near the back gate.

Mike broke the sound and Kraj somehow managed to teleport himself back to the home board. Well done both.

They reason they came here was because way back in Triboar they heard someone matching the Weevil’s description was working in the stables. The DM has looked it up and the first Triboar session was posted September 13^th 2020 so it’s been awhile. This was also the session where Adam lost his monitor, so he’s been getting shit for it for 10 months.

We spent a bit of time getting to know how Talespire works with movement and line of sight and stuff but eventually they entered the town and went to the inn.

Nice day to stand in a field

So as per usual when this stuff happens the DM would like to outline what he expected would go down:

• 1. Players approach innkeeper, players show innkeeper the wanted poster, players ask innkeeper if Weevil works here.
• 2. Innkeeper says yes, gives explanation of why she hired him, tells them where he is.
• 3. Adventurers (and Jake) approach Weevil, say “You are under arrest miscreant!”
• 4. Weevil says “Fuck off you pump sucking dirt lickers!”
• 5. The players subdue and capture the Weevil, Elvira may or may not shoot him.
• 6. The guards show up and say “’Ello, ‘ello, what’s goin’ on ‘ere then?!”
• 7. The adventurers (but probably not Jake (and definitely not Joffrey)) explain to the guards that they have apprehended a wanted criminal, show them the poster, the guards are happy and everything is cool and awesome.

So, let’s find out what actually happened shall we?

Now the DM had a bit of a rant during the following that was supposed to be funny/sarcastic but may have crossed into not funny but definitely sarcastic. Listening back to the build up to the rant did to my blood pressure exactly what it did the first time around though. Brace yourselves, the following is not pretty… although, in hindsight, it is fairly funny. At least I think so, sod the rest of you 🙂

• DM> The innkeeper is stood outside and a bard is playing nearby to try and entice customers inside.
• Regulus> Right, do we want to ask the innkeeper, bearing in mind this could be someone working in his stable…
• <sigh, it’s HER stable>

At this point we discover that the Tab key shows the mini names and then the players notice a dwarf called Larg in the nearby pasture tending to some animals.

I simply don’t have it in me to produce the next 17 minutes of conversation in detail so I’ll summarise:

– Arxastra invites them in to partake in refreshments

– Clay’s attempt to dance on a table ended up with him getting stuck under the map <sigh>

– They decide not to show the wanted poster around. That’s an interesting decision.

– They book some rooms at the inn and head out for a look around town without bothering to ask anyone at the inn anything about the person they are looking for.

– The DM makes a very pointed comment about how its going to be difficult to find someone without asking about them.

– They utterly ignore the DM’s pointed suggestion <sigh>. Trust me, it wasn’t subtle either.

– While stood in the field outside the inn they notice the dwarf in the pasture is holding a random dead rabbit (seriously, he was)

– They also notice that the dwarf in the pasture looks like the dwarf in the picture on the wanted poster.

– They got worried about what the guards would do so the DM had to come up with a solution for that.

– Having managed to cram a third option (talk to the guards) into a previously clear-cut two-option scenario (talk to the potential Weevil or talk to someone about the potential Weevil), they then started trying to decide which of the now three options they should pursue.

– The DM suggested that they ask a local about what would happen if they started a fight with a wanted criminal. Not getting the hint they started dithering about that as well. The DM very pointedly gave an example of a very brief hypothetical conversation which would yield a fuck-ton (imperial not metric) of useful information.

– Having had a remarkably similar chat with a guard and cleared their impending apprehension with the local authorities, they promptly went back to standing about in a field and overthinking things instead of actually doing anything.

– Kraj wants to ask the innkeeper about the Weevil to see if the dwarf is in fact the person they are looking for.

– The DM does a mental leap for joy!

– Mike won’t ask the innkeeper about the Weevil because he thinks the innkeeper is in on it with the Weevil based on.. based on.. oh, based of absolutely fuck all <sigh>

– The DM cries inside a little.

– They stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– Mike now doesn’t want to do anything because it seems like too easy a fight.

– They stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– They have a conversation about what they are going to say to the Weevil when they confront him.

– They choose not to confront him and stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– The DM asks what Dog the Bounty Hunter would do (ask around about the perp and then go kick his arse!)

– They choose not to ask around about the perp and not to go kick his arse and they stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– They finally decide to notify the guards they are going to confront the dwarf and then, finally, they go and confront the dwarf! (Yay!)

– No, no they didn’t. They don’t actually do any of that (Boooo!) Instead they discuss sending Celdar around the back in case the stumpy legged dwarf makes a run for it. They continue to stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– They now want a review of what the wanted poster said. The DM obliges and re-reads the entire poster for them, sounding a lot more cheery than he was feeling.

– So now, finally (again), they go and confront the potential Weevil!

– No, no they didn’t. Instead they sent Celdar to search the dwarf’s belongings for clues. While Celdar did this the rest of them stand around in a field doing nothing some more.

– Celdar doesn’t find anything.

– Now they decide to spy on him for a bit and see what he does. Except they don’t, they stand in a field doing nothing some more.

Ranty McRantface

And thus, seventeen minutes after leaving the inn and standing in the field doing nothing, we come to the DM rant <sigh>. It starts with a player asking a question about the Weevil and the DM asking who that question was addressed to.

DM> <starts calm and quiet but gradually ramps up to not calm and not quiet> Maybe you should address that question to someone who MIGHT FUCKING KNOW! TALK TO FUCKING SOMEONE! <laughing> All you have to do is find out if he is the dude! Talk to him! Talk to someone about him! Don’t just stand in the middle of a fucking field going “Well could we do this, could we do that, could we do the other thing?” Fucking DO SOMETHING. Sorry, I need to calm down <starts laughing again> fucking wooosah! <the DM’s laughter gets slightly hysterical> You said what you need to do about seven times now!

Somewhat surprisingly, the party decide to talk to the innkeeper.

In all seriousness, apologies to anyone who was offended by the rant. Listening back, it wasn’t as bad as I remembered it but it wasn’t good either. We will put in steps to stop this dithering happening in the future so we don’t get to this stage. The players need freedom to act as they wish but the game still needs to stay on track and we shouldn’t be spending nearly twenty minutes to make a relatively simple decision.

Jake wants to just go talk to the potential Weevil but Mike attempts to apply real-world law enforcement procedures to Sword Coast bounty hunting and so they don’t. Instead they decide to go and talk to the innkeeper.

Clay chats to the innkeeper about general things; how long the inn has been there, how long she has been there, how many staff and a casual “Oh tell me about the dwarf, has he been here long?”

Turns out ‘Larg’ told Arzastra that he and his adventuring companions were caught in an avalanche while hunting a red dragon in the Valley of Khedrun, and only he survived. Thanks to a natural 20 insight check from Regulus, and no thanks to a 7 from Clay, it was determined that Arzastra was not being deceptive.

• Clay> I glance at Regulus and give him a knowing look that I think we should tell her who he really is and what we want to do. I’m not going to say it just yet, I’m just after a nod of approval.
• Regulus> <laughing> I’m going to stare him straight in the eyes and I’m going to express that I appreciate what he’s saying but… and I’m just saying this with my eyes… that I have certain concerns about sharing that information in case she has a soft spot for him. I’m putting all that across In a knowing nod.
• DM> Clay, can you please make an insight check on Regulus?
• <Clay rolls a 15>
• DM> Yeah… you got about a tenth of that…

They show her the poster and she gasps and says “That’s him! That’s obviously him!”

Regulus and Clay approach Larg while the rest take strategic positions (that means they hid took cover at the back). Larg declined to be taken anywhere by anyone and unlimbered a pair of +1 handaxes; roll initiative!

Someone remind me about the +1 handaxes next week. They are nice weapons and you can always sell them if you don’t use them.

Calm Before the Storm

The Weevil is a Bandit Captain with a couple of minor upgrades, this should be over really quickly and absolutely nothing can go wrong, right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

• DM> Ah, I’ve called Celdar, Cledar…
• Celdar> Been called worse!
• <He has and usually by the DM>
• Regulus> I love that it puts up Abelas’ full name “Abelas the Formerly Drowned”
• <Abelas lost his mini in the sea during the test last week>
• Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I forget that it has an actual initiative system. I’ll be back in just one second while get that all set up.
• Regulus> Yeah, I’m just going to grab a drink Gary, I’ll be back in a second.

Yes, Talespire does indeed have a really cool in-built initiative system. Do you know what piece of information the DM needs to populate that system? The player’s initiative.

• DM> <starts running down the board> Okay, initiative please Clay?
• Clay> Thirteen.
• DM> Okay, initiative please Abelas?
• <giggles>
• DM> Oh… okay, initiative please Regulus?
• <more giggles>
• DM> <sigh>
• <The rest of the initiative board is completed>
• Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I’m back!
• DM> <mock outraged> So nice of you you to disappear while we’re doing the initiative!
• Regulus> Sorry!
• DM> Nah, fuck you, you’re both going last!
• <laughter>

Jake the Computer Programmer> I figure it would have told you the initiative since we rolled it!

Yes, it can magically read your character sheet and apply your Dex modifier <sigh> Aside from occasionally programming things, Jake’s job also requires the highest level of written and verbal communication skills. Genuinely, it’s in the job description:

• DM> Abelas and Cledar, who’s going first?
• Abelas the Formerly Drowned> Do you want to? Celdar?
• Cledar> Go for it, yeah.
• Abelas the Formerly Drowned> …aight, I’ll do it… right.. as in… er.. do we want to roll off… or?
• Regulus> <laughing so hard his voice is squeaky> Oh fuck me!
• Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I DON’T KNOW.. I.. what the.. I… what the answ.. what that question was!
• DM> <trying VERY hard NOT to laugh and summoning something vaguely approaching sympathy> I fear you are having some communication issues tonight mate.
• Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I.. ye… aaaaaaaaah! FUUUUUCK!

Good times.

The DM then realised he had a slight problem because he didn’t know how to get stuff on the initiative board.

The DM’s problem got somewhat worse when he managed to put a goat on the initiative board by accident. Yes, really <sigh>

The DM’s problem then got considerably worse when he realised he didn’t know how to get the goat OFF the initiative board! Fuck me.

Having finally figured it out the DM populated the board and then realised what he had forgotten:

• DM> This shouldn’t be this difficult… ah crap, I didn’t roll for Joffrey. Right, Joffrey isn’t taking part in this. He’s not necessary. Er, that’s a bit harsh…
• Regulus> He’s not necessary in general to be fair

• – Elvira shoots Larg for quite a bit.
• – Larg triple attacks Regulus with magical +1 Handaxes, this is going to hurt!
• – Larg misses all three with the DM rolling a highest attack of 10 <sigh>
• – Clay launches two attacks and burns two trip attacks, he then action surges and launches another two attacks and uses yet another superiority dice. It’s a good job there’s nothing bad likely to happen where he will need those resources though right? Right.
• – Clay’s final attack knocks Larg prone. Larg lays there nearly dead and wondering what just happened.
• – Abelas the Formerly Drowned moves in for a melee attack with his rapier. He makes the strength check that the DM imposed because it’s been so long since the sword was used that it sticks in the scabbard slightly.
• – Abelas the Formerly Drowned attacks twice for 5 and 6 damage and then demands Larg surrender. The DM asked for an Intimidation check with disadvantage (because those were some weedy hits). He rolls a 20! And then he rolls a 1! BWAHAHAHAHA!
• – Cledar knocks out Larg with am enormous sneak attack. Yay!

Larg is manacled and they go to place him in the back of the wagon. As this is happening, an alarm bell starts ringing and town guards start running to the front gate.

There was a little bit more to that end but it was a bit if a shit-show so we’ll re-do it at the start of next session when the DM has learned to Talespire better.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Jake leave to make a drink again while his super computer loads up?
• – Will Adam remember the thing?
• – Will Adam discover the flaw in the Solo health potion plan?
• – Will Larg survive with Elvira nearby?
• – Will Abelas the Formerly Drowned stab the helpless prisoner?

Tune in next week to find out!

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Kraj as Celdar the Unnoticed – If you’re doing that, I’m hiding behind a tree somewhere!
• Matt as Clay the Sturdy – I‘ve got tremor sense to 30ft if that helps?*
• Mike as Regulus the Cheesemonger – Check it for traps first you twat!
• Jake as Abelas the Murderer – Don’t take the fucking moral high ground with me you soulless robot!

*Matt, dude, you’ve got to give me more to work with!

With:

Gary as the DM – Panache darlings! It’s not just a brothel in Phlan.

Author’s Note: A rather short session because the DM wanted to get some Talespire testing done.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Kraj joined and once again failed at the basics of getting a microphone to work without spending ten minutes farting about with it. Eventually:

• Kraj> How are you feeling?
• DM> I’m feeling a bit barfy… I’ve been feeling a bit barfy all day.
• Mike> Hi guys!
• DM> And suddenly it’s a lot worse!
• Mike> Eyyyy! So I was thinking about tonight; Christina’s not here, sad times, but neither is Adam and you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth!
• DM> There is a potential we could get through Nesmé and Kryptgarden quite quickly…
• Mike> Yeah, because Adam’s not here?
• DM> <laughing> Fair. If we do get them done it might be quite a short session so we could load up Talespire and pick minis and just have a mess around.

The ‘events’ of the previous session were discussed, in particular whose fault it was and the DM, Kraj and Mike blamed Adam, Kraj and Mike equally.

During the discussions, Kraj’s choice of a rogue was brought up and Mike asked if the DM helped him choose it. The DM did and explained his reasoning:

DM> My thinking was that it’s not really a combat choice, if he hits in combat he hits hard with the sneak attack and he can stay out of trouble fairly easily but the main theory was that it gives him a pre-defined role out of combat…

• Mike> Makes sense…
• DM> So even if he is shit in combat he still has the sneaky role outside of it like… er, well Jake is obviously the intimidator…
• Mike> <sceptically> Okay…
• DM> Joffrey is the er.. <DM brain fart> erm.. er… what’s the word? Starts with an ‘e’?
• Jake> The idiot?
• DM> No… er.. Empathy! Joffrey is clearly the empath.
• Mike> Oh yeah, yeah definitely.
• Kraj> <laughing> Sorry! We can’t gloss over “starts with ‘e’” followed by “idiot”!
• <laughter>
• Jake> I saw an opportunity to mock Adam, I took it, I regret nothing!

Nestle, finally

Despite a heroic effort to save the town, Nesmé fell during the War of the Silver Marches to a horde of orcs aided by an ancient white dragon named Arauthator. It was then conquered by drow until they too were forced to abandon it. Today, Nesmé lies in ruins, and monsters from the Evermoors thwart efforts to rebuild it.

The town stood on the east side of the Surbrin River, enclosed within a circular wall festooned with ballistae and catapults, and connected by a fortified bridge to a formidable castle on the west side of the river. This western bastion enclosed the docks, paddocks, and stock pens, and also gave the townsfolk and the militia a place to fall back to in the event the town was breached. Although the militia put up a good fight against the orcs, the town couldn’t withstand the dragon’s attacks. The castle on the western shore has partially collapsed, the bridge has been destroyed, and the town’s defenses have been torn down. Within the town walls, now breached in several places, are piles of debris that were once shops, taverns, inns, and festhalls. Skulls, bones, rusted armor, and broken weapons are all that remain of those killed by orc axes and the dragon’s icy breath.

The players arrive at the town via an elevated patch of land with several ruined buildings. They are moving relatively stealthily and see about 20 Zhentarim troops and a human in robes mustered at the west end of a large crossroads, clearly waiting for something.

• DM> Two fire giants, also with a retinue of around 20 troops, slowly approach from the east side of the crossroads.
• Mike> Ooh, good use of the word ‘retinue’, haven’t heard that in a while.
• DM> Yeah, it’s like ‘promulgate’, used to hear that all the time in the navy, never in civvy street. Or ‘meelee’, you just don’t hear that…
• Jake> Yeah, most people say ‘mel-ee’.
• DM> Yeah, most people manage to pronounce it the way it’s spelled…
• Kraj> COUGHDICKS!

The Zhentarim do not move so the players quickly assess that the meeting will take place below them. In order to hear it, someone will need to sneak a lot closer to the meeting.

Everyone looks at Kraj.

• Matt> Sorry Gary, I’m having a bit of trouble getting into the session.
• DM> Er.. hang on…
• Mike> Has anyone heard from Matt at all?
• DM> <sigh> Not funny…
• <everyone starts laughing>
• Jake> Actually, that was kind of funny…
• DM> Matt, Steam says you’re offline.
• Mike> Are you dialling in from your phone Matt? Is that the problem?
• Kraj> He isn’t really here, he’s just voices in our heads!
• Mike and the DM> Or a podcast!
• <laughter>

With Matt actually in the game we all got back to staring at Kraj.

• Regulus> Well I’m not sneaking down there because I’m in melee mode.
• Abelas> Well I’m not sneaking down there because I can’t.
• <Everyone stares at Kraj again>
• Celdar> <sigh> I feel like this is a stitch up.
• DM> Someone not in plate mail would be a start.
• Abelas> And who is not me!
• Regulus> And who is expendable!
• Abelas> Yes!
• Regulus> Although to be fair, you could take the mage with you, I wouldn’t mind if you get found.

Ok, I think I need to go back and revisit “I feel like this is a stitch up”. Celdar has plus fucking eight to his stealth checks and, because he has a Cloak of Elvenkind, makes those checks with advantage AND anyone trying to find him rolls at disadvantage AND he has 6 magic berries that count as Potions of Invisibility AND he can Dimension Door out if he gets in the shit… on, no, wait, he wasted that last week teleporting a frikkin shark to capture a bandit that told them nothing. But still, ‘stich up’ my left butt cheek.

Meaningful Communication

• DM> I would remind you that you have the Sending Stones…
• <gasps>
• DM> …and while someone sneaking that close probably wouldn’t be talking, they should be able to receive if they wrap it in a cloth and strap it to their ear, for example. So it would be one-way communication.
• Celdar> <sceptically> Ok… right…
• Abelas> But I feel it would be the wrong way…

Celdar somewhat reluctantly agrees to this plan and a handkerchief and a bit of rawhide are applied to attach the sensing stone to his ear.

Other means of assistance were discussed…

• Abelas> Bear with me here, I could let you flyyyy!
• Celdar> <sceptically> Because that’s going to help?
• Regulus> <as if explaining to a 5yr old (or the DM explaining multi-floor buildings to Adam)> Yes, because it keeps you above the groooound!

Ok, that was, remarkably, a rather good plan. No one is going to wander over to take a piss 30ft above the ground for example. If, completely hypothetically, it does all go wrong, the ability to go 60ft straight up when your opponents cannot is quite useful.

• Celdar> <sounding rather put upon> Ok, I cast Invisibility and go and hide behind a rock and hope my ‘friends’ don’t shout loudly down the stone.
• Regulus> Yeah… not making any promises.
• Abelas> Lucky for him he doesn’t have any friends…

The DM is rather hoping they will shout abuse loudly down the stone, which is why he suggested it.

• Mike> Sorry Gary, did you say the Zhentarim are standing still or…
• DM> <sigh>
• Jake> The Zhentarim are standing still, the giants are moving slowly.
• DM> <Invoking a lesser known semi-Hispanic heathen deity> Hey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist Mike!
• Mike> Yeah, sorry, I was too busy thinking up insults for Jake when you said it.
• DM> Oh… that’s ok then.

The bravely reluctant sneaking expert sneaks to the first set of rocks.

• Regulus> It’s not the best hiding place I’ve ever seen…
• Celdar> <sigh> I’m invisible!
• Abelas> Is this actual invisibility or is this ‘stealth invisibility’?
• Celdar> <sigh> It’s ‘actual’ invisibility!
• DM> Is it one of the berries?
• Celdar> No, I actually have Invisibility as an Arcane Trickster.
• DM> Right, Celdar turns invisible and attempts to stealth… you still have to hide when invisible… it’s complicated, don’t worry about it, could you make a stealth check with advantage please?
• Celdar> Twenty five?
• DM> Ok, he disappears, you all estimate he is about half way. Would anyone like to send any ‘helpful’ advice or messages to him?

Gorgonfuckingzola!

The DM knows his players and was expecting a stream of unhelpful suggestions and abuse at this point. There was a snag however.

• Regulus <AKA The Fun Police> No… because we only get to send one message a day don’t we?
• DM> <sigh> Really? Well… shit. There must be some kind of weird conflux going on because temporarily they work all the time.
• <DM cheese is the best cheese!>
• Regulus> Ah, I think I tinkered it! I must have tinkered it when I attached it to his ear…
• DM> Yah
• Regulus> … with a staple.
• <laughter>

Yes, the DM actually said ‘yah’ but he was stuffing his face at the time. Still… not good.

• Regulus> Alice?
• <giggling starts and continues throughout the following>
• Regulus> Come in Alice, can you hear us?
• Alice> <whispers> Loud and clear!
• Abelas> Sorry, can you repeat that, we can’t hear you!
• Regulus> Good, good, we can’t see you.. give us a wave, tell us where you are!
• DM> You might be invisible but you can absolutely throw things… like rocks.
• Alice> I invisibly put up the middle finger in his direction!
• DM> Ok, you move into the final position in the ruins next to the Zhentarim. Can you make another stealth check please?
• Celdar> Twenty two!
• DM> Yeah, you’re a ghost.

Negotiations

Gundahella, the female fire giant, approaches the human wearing robes at the head of the Zhentarim delegation. “So Fylo, what did your master agree?”.

Fylo pledges the assistance of the Zhentarim to keep the Lords’ Alliance and other groups from interfering in the fire giants’ search for the ‘Vonindod’ fragments, on the condition that it is not to be used to attack settlements or parts thereof without the Black Network’s consent. Fylo mentions Moongleam Tower in Everlund as a likely target to illustrate his point.

Gundahella agrees to Fylo’s terms and tells him that someone called Duke Zalto is going to release a Zhentarim prisoner currently being held in Ironslag as a token of good faith.

The players don’t know what Vonidod is, who Duke Zalto is nor where Ironslag is. I’ve coloured that text so it can easily be referred back to in a minute or two.

The fire giant party leaves the area. Fylo has a flying snake wrapped around his forearm. He writes a note and attaches it to the snake and then releases it, it flies off to the west (WEST Mike, WEST!). The Zhentarim start making camp and, entirely coincidentally, they spread out quite a bit.

Regulus and Abelas discuss the merits of kicking off a fight against them. The DM informs them that these look like the rather tougher 35HP thugs and not the 7HP variety.

The DM is Such a Dick

• DM> Celdar, what you gonna do?
• Celdar> I will go back to the party, relay all that information to them…
• DM> Are you going to tell them what was actually said or are you going to make some shit up?
• Celdar> <chuckling> I will tell them as accurately as I can remember….
• Regulus> So, the Storm Giants have said they are friends with the Harpers…
• DM> Hang on, hang on Mike. Kraj, can you please actually tell them what it is you remember from that conversation?
• <laughter>
• Kraj> Ahhh, shit.

Sometimes, it’s good to be the DM. Ok, now would be a good time to go back and read the coloured text above. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

Done that? Great, let’s see how much of that three whole sentences that Kraj remembered in the two minutes and forty seconds since he heard it:

• Kraj> Something about they wanted some help with a killer device, something called Volly…dod, I think it was. Erm… they would like to preserve the mingling tower, wherever that is…
• <everyone starts to lose it>
• Mike> <scathingly> Yep… the ‘minging’ tower, yep, okay…
• Kraj> Something about releasing some dwarf prisoner in some area I’ve never heard of… erm… and Mr Sneaky-Guts over there sent off a parchment on a weird flying snake, off to the west.

Having been a complete dick (because it was funny, which makes it ok) the DM relented and allowed Celdar to relate the information pretty accurately. The DM also pointed out that this was why he was very reluctant to have any of the players join the Zhentarim faction because this event would put that player in a very awkward position.

Somehow we got onto talking about alignment and the DM’s approach to it.

DM> If alignment matters then we will address it at the time because it should reflect your player’s actions and not just be an excuse like “I’m Chaotic Good so I can do what I want but I’m still good!”. No, we’ll have a little discussion about what you’ve done… like, you know, stabbing and killing helpless prisoners. That might effect, I don’t know, if some hypothetical cool elven sword pops up in the game at some point, someone might have just excluded themselves from being able to wield it. Hypothetically.

• Mike> I must admit, I was somewhat surprised we just randomly killed the prisoner and it was Jake just doing it and I was like “Okay…?” but anyway, that’s fine, I’m not going to judge him…
• <I was apparent that it was not fine and Mike clearly WAS judging Jake for it. That’s okay though, so were the rest of us>
• Jake> <engaging justification mode> The prisoner was clearly unresponsive and also sworn to evil!
• Mike> But was also tied up!
• Jake> So?!

I’m, not going to cover the ensuing debate on the morality of killing people in the mostly lawless Sword Coast but it was heated and funny and entirely pointless as it’s one of those arguments where both sides are right.

Then they discussed attacking the Zhentarim again, massively overthinking it again but eventually…

• Regulus> I’m not sure what we stand to gain from it?
• Abelas the Magpie> Fylo’s probably got some cool shit!
• <He hasn’t>
• Abelas> And he might know something…
• <The DM felt another bout of nausea coming on>
• Regulus> Oh no! We are NOT taking another prisoner!

Then they started talking about killing all the Zhentarim and having Elvira shoot the flying snake out of the air, despite not knowing when it would be back, if it would be back, if any reinforcements would come back with it or if it would have anything worth reading on it if it did come back.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Other than those minor details, solid fucking plan!”

The DM sent a face-palm pic to the D&D WhatsApp. It seemed appropriate.

• Regulus> I’m quite happy to.. <starts laughing when he sees the DM’s facepalm>… I’m quite happy to leave them but Jake, if you want to kill them in their sleep?
• Abelas> I don’t.. oh fuck off! Don’t take the fucking… fucking moral high ground with me you soulless robot!
• <Shocked laughter, the DM loses it completely>

Common sense put in a rare appearance and they quietly left the ruined town and headed to Kryptgarden Forest.

My, What Big Teeth You Have

A small wooded region near Westbridge hides many old dwarven ruins and the extensive underground city known as Southkrypt. For centuries, Kryptgarden Forest has been the home and hunting ground of the ancient female green dragon Claugiyliamatar, better known to many as Old Gnawbone. She earned her nickname from her habit of gnawing on old kills. Other dragons rarely remain in Kryptgarden Forest for long, because Claugiyliamatar drives them out.

The DM loaded up the Kryptgarden Forest map and somehow managed to name all of the player minis ‘Celdar’:

• DM> <midway through a hysterical breakdown> Have a look at what just went wrong with the minis!
• Abelas> Oh no… OH NO!
• Regulus> That’s a bad omen isn’t it? I feel somehow weaker and less intelligent… less wisdrous!
• Abelas> I feel like I have less of all stats!
• Celdar> <laughing> Except charisma!
• Abelas> Yes!

It was then established that while they have the same modifier, Abelas actually has a charisma of 7 while Celdar has a truly impressive 6.

The DM renamed the minis as seemed appropriate:

• Sharkfrey the Empath
• Elvira the Precise
• Clay the Sturdy
• Regulus the Cheesemonger
• Celdar the Unnoticed
• Abelas the Murderer

Abelas> Oh fuck off! <sigh> You kill one prisoner…

As the adventurers (and Jake) progress through the forest they note that the birds suddenly become quite noisy, almost chatty.

Luckily they have a druid with them.

Unluckily it is Joffrey.

Still, he managed to realise that the birds are tracking them and relaying their position to someone… or something!

• DM> As you are marching forwards you hear something very large moving through the undergrowth ahead of you and to the right. What would you like to do?
• Regulus> Can the druid tell us anything?
• DM> His face is currently the colour of his robes and he is shaking slightly.
• Celdar> Should I sneak up and see what it is?
• Regulus> I don’t think we should be sneaking… Should we just call out “we are seeking an audience with Claugiyliamatar”?
• Celdar> If you’re doing that, I’m hiding behind a tree somewhere!
• DM> I think that’s an inspiration to Mike for pronouncing that properly!
• Abelas> Gary, I’m so ready to Misty Step the fuck out away right now!
• <laughter>
• DM> It’s funny you could say that…
• Clay> I‘ve got tremor sense to 30ft if that helps?
• DM> <thinking> No, that doesn’t fucking help, that massively complicates the DM picking on Jake.. I’ll have to cheese it!
• DM> <saying> Ah, yeah, the problem is.. the problem is it’s just too damn big and difficult to pinpoint.
• Celdar> Or it is flying…
• DM> <thinking> Shit, yes Invisibility and flight, that works!
• DM> All movement ceases and silence descends upon the forest. Abelas, you suddenly feel warm, moist air on the back of your neck!
• Abelas> Oh no! I’ve seen this film!
• DM> As you turn, you see above you a gigantic green dragon’s head, probably the size of a London bus. Its mouth is slightly open and hanging from the left side of the mouth is the tenderized corpse of an Uthgardt barbarian. The dragon is just staring at you from a few feet away, just its head sticking out of the bush. What would you like to do?
• Abelas> Er.. a little squeak comes out!
• DM> Did anything else come out?
• Abelas> Not yet! Oh fucking hell, I shouldn’t be this close to this!
• DM> I actually planned this last year.
• Abelas> I’m just frozen, deer in headlights!
• DM> Everyone else, you see Abelas unflinchingly stare down the dragon!
• <laughter>
• Regulus> Greeting almighty Claugiyliamatar, we seek an audience….
• <Mike has to break off as the giggling over Jake’s predicament gets rather loud>
• Regulus> We seek an audience with you, we were sent by Chazluath… who is totally not a dragon.
• Claugiyliamatar> Call me Gnawbone and Chazlauth isn’t much of a recommendation little one. Very few are foolish enough or brave enough to trespass into my territory, which are you?
• Regulus> A little from column A and a little from column B. We do not mean any disrespect. It is simply that you are the mightiest being in this area!
• Claugiyliamatar> Flattery will get you… everywhere!
• Regulus> We have been pointed in your direction to help fight the giants who are engaged in the Ordning.
• Claugiyliamatar> I am aware that the giants have once again become nuisances in this realm and that they are once again meddling in the affairs of you small folk. I detest giants, they taste so… smug. I shall aid you. You must travel north to the Valley of the Khedrun but you will need a guide. Look for a frost giant who wears a helm made from the skull of one of my white brethren. He will help you find an ancient temple called the Eye of the All-Father. There, you will ask your questions and there you will know the truth. Before I leave you, another recently visited for a chat. He was most… accommodating. He also left something for you. Check near the oak tree by the stone circle to the north.

Gnawbone then majestically takes to the air, the Uthgardt corpse dropping from her mouth as she does so, and she flies serenely off. The corpse lands next to Abelas, just missing him.

• Abelas> Once that’s all happened I keep standing completely still until a good 20 seconds has gone by…
• DM> You all see Abelas continue to stare down the dragon even though it has left.
• Abelas> …and then suddenly I swear and Misty Step! Delayed reaction…
• <laughter>
• Abelas> I am NOT okay!

And Jake and Mike

Regulus> One question! Who was that person that left the… and do we want to make our way over to that standing stone?

Ok, three points:

• A) That’s actually two questions, although one was partial.
• B) Don’t start making me refer to you as “The adventurers (and Jake and Mike)” <sigh>

• Abelas> I think we go there.
• Regulus> <timidly> Ok… but… can we try and work out who that might have been? Who have we pissed off? Who could be hunting us down?

Ooh, challenge accepted! The goblins in Nettlestone, the Zhentarim in Nettlestone, the Howling Hatred air cultists on Zephyros’s tower, the shopkeepers in Triboar, the wizard in Triboar, each other in Triboar, the fire giants in Triboar, the orcs in Triboar, the trolls at Calling Horns, the undead and the dwarf at Noanar’s Hold, the murdery brother at Noanar’s Hold, the god of dead pigeons at Noanar’s Hold, the Dandy Highwaymen (three times (or was it four?)), the Uthgardt barbarians, the family whose carriage house you robbed in Silverymoon, the town guard in Yartar after you had the Harpers steal the Giantslayer Axe from them, the fire giants (again) on the Stone Bridge, the hill giants at their stronghold, the vampires near Womford, the hill giants (again) and the goblin tribes and the hobgoblin tribes at Goldenfields, the garrison commander at Goldenfields by making him look incompetent (he is), most of Mornbryn’s Shield for demolishing their church, whichever god that church was devoted to, the rapey satyr at Shadowtop, probably Jenny the dryad at Shadowtop after telling the rapey satyr which herbs he needed to make chloroform and the Zhentarim at Nesme.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Impressive!”

I may have missed some, I did it from memory.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Regulus didn’t want to go get the present <sigh>

Despite Regulus they did indeed discover a Chest of the Fantabulous under the tree.

• Abelas the loot whore ninja> I go and open it…
• Everyone> AAAAAAAAGGGH! <or similar>
• Regulus> Check it for traps first you twat!
• DM> <channelling Mr Burns> Eeeexcellent!
• Abelas> Oh fuuuuck!
• <laughter>
• Abelas> I made a mistake!
• Regulus> It’s not like you’ve got two people in the party specifically designed for that!
• Abelas> I forgot!
• DM> The chest is about three feet long by about two feet wide and about three feet deep. It is reasonably ornate, has no visible locking mechanism or clasps. On the top of it is an icon of a flaming stallion and beneath that is an indentation in the wood that is the same size as your Avengers Anonymoose badges.
• Regulus> Ahh!
• Abelas> I immediately understand!
• DM> Abelas, as you place one hand on the chest to steady yourself, if moves slightly. It seems to be remarkably light for its size, magically so.

Presents!

When Abelas inserts his badge, there is a faint click and the lid pops open to reveal a portal of grey nothingness similar that of the Bag of Holding. Upon reaching in Abelas feels something cloth-like. These turn out to be magic cloaks, dark green, the clasps are AA emblems and an outline of the same emblem, but much larger, is stitched into the body of the cloak with fine silver thread.

Once per day, as an action, the user can change the colour and/or pattern of the cloak to whatever they wish. As a bonus action the wearer may billow the cloak. When billowed, the silver stitching glows and changes to show a majestic rearing giant elk which almost seems to move as the cloak billows about.

There is one other item in the chest, a small wooden box with a small purple button mounted in the centre of the lid. Engraved above the lid is the phrase “Panache darlings! It’s not just a brothel in Phlan”. The box seems quite strange and it seems to change size depending on the perspective you look at it from. Sometimes it appears quite small but tilted at the right angle it seems much larger.

Inside the box are several documents:

1) A letter that reads “Darlings, I have been dreadfully busy getting my business back on its feet but I have looked in on you from time to time. You certainly have an unusual way about you but you are proceeding wonderfully darlings so keep up the good work.”

2) A set of instructions for the box which is called the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion:

If you press the button, anything nearby that is compatible with the box will briefly glow purple.

If one of these items is placed in the coffer, it will be transformed into something fantabulous (darlings). If you dislike what the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion turns your item into, simply repeat the process to reverse the effects.

If you place a magic cloak in the coffer it will be transformed into a fantabulous cloak with the party emblem but will also retain the magic properties of the original.

3) A set of instructions for the construction of a war-forged guard dog. The notes recommend consulting with a master smith in Bryn Shander called Igor Flintbrow.

DM> The chest is essentially a Bag of Holding but on a bigger scale. It can only be unlocked by members of your group. It is light enough for you to easily carry it, it has handles on the sides, but it is more designed to be stored somewhere rather than taken with you. It’s like a stash but for the time being you can just carry it. <casually> I mean, if it’s in the way you can just put it in the bag of holding.

The ‘adventurers’ seemed reluctant to do this <sigh>

In the middle of a discussion about building the wagon from the plans Regulus found in Mornbryn’s Shield, Mike suddenly thought about something that the DM had been wondering if anyone would remember:

• Regulus> Oh my <invokes heathen deity>! We forgot about the trees!
• DM> Yes, yes you did.
• <laughter>
• Regulus> Right, we didn’t want them anyway, if the druid asks, we had a battle and they died last week!
• DM> Adam, welcome back, we made you this commemorative wooden coffee table…
• Regulus> The good news is we got you this new staff…

This went on for awhile. Magic cloaks were dished out and put on and billowed for fun.

• Mike> Gary, I don’t want to be needy but… is that fantabulous cloak an item on D&D beyond?
• DM> No, its.. er its.. um.. It isn’t, its a cosmetic item…
• Mike> Nice!
• <some laughter as it sinks in to everyone, including the DM what this actually is>
• DM> Yeah… right, that’s actually exactly what it is, an MMO type cosmetic item…
• Mike> Are you gong to charge us a pound now?
• DM> It’s a skin and it’ll be £8.50 each, please, thank you! Also, you are forgetting something!
• Abelas> The chest?
• DM> No one pressed the button! If you press the button, compatible items will glow purple.

Abelas immediately presses the button. All of the cloaks glow purple, the WoMM glows purple and Solo (Joffrey’s flying cat) glows purple.

The WoMM is placed in the chest and is transformed into a revolver with a gun belt and holster. The gun first appears to be black but it is actually a very dark midnight purple with walnut grips. It has seven chambers in the cylinder and each chamber glows a bright, magical blue. It still functions exactly the same way but now it is simply fantabulous darlings.

There was then some discussion about putting/forcing Solo into the box and probably not telling Adam if it all goes horribly wrong. Whilst the DM heartily approved of the reasoning of the second part of that he was unhappy with the first part while Adam wasn’t here so they didn’t do it.

DM> Be sure to press the button every week to see of things change, because things will change as I think up more shit.

Where next?

The DM states that when they were travelling around the Westbridge area, one of the things they remembered was that Red Larch was renowned for building wagons. Some of the best wagons on the Sword Coast are built in the town.

The nearest quest is at Xantharl’s Keep to capture the Weevil for the rewards and then Bryn Shander, which is waaaaaay up north where the rivers have beaches and they fight up close in ‘meelee’.

After a bit of discussion, they decided to head for Red Larch to get a start on the war wagon which would come in handy. At this point the DM calls for a halt to the proceedings even though it is quite early and we headed into Talespire.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will the war wagon start to take shape in Red Larch?
• – What will they name it?
• – Will Joffrey put Solo in the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion?
• – Will Matt speak?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

Talespire was a shit show because we didn’t know what we were doing but it was also quite a laugh figuring it out. Everyone seemed impressed and it should be fun going forwards… but it’s still going to be a shit show until we get used to it.

Oh and Abelas managed to position his new mini so it’s hand was inserted in Regulus’s lubrication orifice <sigh>

I would also like to state that Jake’s ‘soulless robot’ may end up being one of the quotes of the campaign 🙂