SKT Episode 23: Go Big And Go Home

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Karl/Kraj as Oh Celdar the Arcane Tank – You did say “Go big or go home”
Jake as Abelapelas the Mighty Ape/Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – This plan now relies on Matt being able to roll well!
Matt as Clay the Whiffmaster – I’m going to let Kraj down now.
Christina as Elvira the Double Penetrator – Gary hasn’t said my name yet!
Adam as Joffrey the Slinger – Throw your shit!
Mike as ~~Regulus~~ Grinch the Artificer – You all laughed last week but it is totally the best tactic!

With:

Gary as the DM – I will allow you to throw a giant monkey turd if you really, really want to!
And:
Drikk Fra-Kar as Himself – Chicks dig scars!

Author’s Note: Some tricky stuff was thrown at the players this session and they handled it rather well. Now you’ll have to excuse me, I need to go and be sick.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t.

Pre-session Guff

Discord seems to be occasionally affected by playing music through it so the DM hesitantly kicked off a westerns playlist and the dulcet tones of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly were heard:

Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!

Mike joined but was immediately having issues…

Mike> Hello
DM & Kraj> Hello!
Mike> Hello?
DM> <sigh>
Kraj> HELLO!
Mike> Hmm… really, really quiet
DM> Hang on! Let me turn all my por… er… ‘data’ downloads off on the other comput.. oh.. they already were off.
Kraj> <laughing> When you said that your voice became incredibly clearer.
DM> Nice!
Mike> That’s better! Nice music!
Kraj> We’re just waiting for the podcast to start.
DM> <sigh>

The conversation turned to Mike’s first-world problems of Discord audio levels resetting and the performance of Microsoft Windows. The C-Bomb was dropped twice in the first two minutes of the session which I think is a record.

Mike wibbled on about something called Cursed City that he thought only Jake would be nerdy enough to know about. Jake distanced himself from that particular topic with some alacrity.

Adam turned up on time!

Jake> Holy shit! Adam isn’t late!
Adam> <dismissively> Don’t know what you’re on about, of course I’m on time.
DM> I know why he isn’t late. I have a ton of stuff still to do and I thought we’d be waiting two and a half hours for Adam to turn up like normal.
Mike> Gary, am I meant to be able to hear music?
DM> <sigh> Have you turned RythmBot down?
Jake> You might have muted it?
Mike> No, but I am meant to be able to hear everyone else.
DM> Can you only hear me?!
Mike> <deep sigh>
DM> Everyone! Now is your chance! I’ll hear it. OBS will hear it. Mike won’t hear it!
<Laughter but nothing is said>
DM> Jake, REALLY?! How can you say such a thing?!
Adam> Mike, stay silent if you are willing to be Polymorphed into any creature I choose!
Mike> <sounding seriously depressed> Right <sigh> back in a minute.
<Laughter at Adam’s nice try but ultimate fail>

During a discussion about the butthurt that resulted from the misuse of the work’s Teams chat (after it was used to discuss the heresy that is custard doughnuts), someone mentioned gender pronouns and the DM asked if anyone had seen the new CIA recruitment video.

An article about it was linked in Discord. Adam complained that the article did not actually contain the video in question. Jake then pointed out that A) The article clearly did contain the video and B) Adam was the one that posted it.

This led to a significant amount of abuse being heaped on Adam (the trained investigator) and that lasted until Matt turned up.

Hi Matt! Bye Matt!

Matt connected!

Matt disconnected!

Pictures of various player’s uploads and download speeds were posted in the WhatsApp channel to provide moral support to Matt in his moment of Internet failure.

Veteran 4 was given the name Nigella. Nigella was the one who surrendered and is currently being sat on by a giant badger and can’t breathe.

Elvira’s turn and the oncoming enemy patrol were just within non-disadvantage range of a longbow. Elvira rolls a natural 20 <sigh>

Adam> DM, could you please nerf?
Mike> Yeah!
DM> Er… absolutely.
<The DM starts taking the giant ape mini off the table>
Mike> Now, now, there’s nerfs and there’s nerfs!
Jake> <Panicking> Hey! No, no!
DM> Joffrey, you lose concentration…

Having finished fucking with his players and reminding them to be careful what they ask the DM for, we got on with it.

Elvira rolled a crit and the DM did some dodgy adding up:

DM> Can someone check the maths on that for me? I’m having a brain fart.
<silence>
Kraj> Jake?
Jake> Fuck off!
DM> <sigh>

Mike got sensible and we eventually came to the right answer.

Matt connected!

It was his turn but he couldn’t interact with anything, including his mini <sigh>. Everyone was highly amused by the very large number representing Matt’s ping while the DM sorted out the interaction issue.

Tempting Fate

Clay scaled the slope to the first layer but couldn’t see the oncoming enemy due to the next gradient up to the desert floor.

DM> Abelapelas!
Abelapelas> Whoohoo!
DM> Unlike Clay, you can see the six bad guys who have just shot Celdar full of holes!
Abelapelas> Are they my friends?!
DM> Hmm, depends, is Celdar your friend?
Abelapelas> I think so…
DM> Really? You might want to think about that…
Abelapelas> There’s a level of pity I feel for him as someone who has worse stats than me!
DM> Right, so it’s the shit-stats camaraderie? Cool. You are very, very angry with them.
Joffrey> Throw your shit!
DM> <sigh> I will allow you to throw a giant monkey turd if you really, really want to.
Regulus> You all laughed last week but it is totally the best tactic!

Abelapelas scales the two cliffs with ease thanks to his innate climbing speed and at the top he picks up a nearby boulder and throws it at the oncoming patrol.

He rolled a 9 and hit! But then someone worked out he was just over 50ft from his target and that meant the roll was at disadvantage. His second roll was a 4 much to everyone’s amusement.

Abelapelas> I’ll get them next time!
DM> Clay is looking quite smug now.
Abelapelas> Yeah well… I can still do shit after this ape wears off!
<Gasps>
Abelapelas> My stuff doesn’t rely on me rolling dice!

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Somewhere, out there in the void, Karma is sat on the sofa with her feet up enjoying a biscuit and a nice cup of tea. She is also laughing her tits off while she writes that one down in her diary for later”.

DM> Regulus?
Regulus> Kraj, how bad are you looking?
DM> He’s an elf rogue, he’s dressed all in black in the desert, in daytime. It’s a bit cliched but in the right light it could look kind of cool. In the wrong light it will look a bit emo and trying too hard. It’s bright daylight and so all of the faults are exposed so he’s looking a bit… goth.
Regulus> Does he look like he’s listening to My Chemical Romance?
DM> Oh yes.
Celdar> <sigh>

Dakka-dakka-dakka

As flak is being fired in even higher quantities than normal tonight, and that’s quite a lot, Mike then decides to spread it around some and takes aim at Adam:

Regulus> In that case I will move to there.. and just checking; if I cast healing at a higher level, I would heal more yeah?
DM> Yes.
Regulus> So as he is a colleague in our party, I should probably use the highest level spell I can to heal him?
DM> Yes I would. Instead of throwing the lowest level spell…
Regulus> Yes!
Abelapelas> Yes! That would be the complete non-cunt way of going about things.
DM> To be fair to Joffrey <the DM has to pause while he swallows the small bit of vomit that he just sicked up> there are actually two approaches to healing, I’ll get Drikk Fra-kar to explain it in the write up.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Pay attention Buttercups! There are two options for healing, the manly way and the girly way! What’s that DM? DiverseTranswhatnow? Genderfuckingnuetralwhatbolllocks?! The girls are often tougher than the boys these days?! WTF is ‘soy’?!

No choice huh? <sigh> Well… allfuckingrighty then.

Ok, there are two options for healing, the efficient, painful way and the pansy way. The pansy way involves your healers trying to out-heal your incoming damage. This keeps your face mostly intact so your mummy won’t cry too much when you get home, but it can take a lot of spell levels to keep you from bleeding out and those spells would be better spent summoning food and drinks for your victory revels! Not to mention your healers waste their turns trying to keep you looking pretty when they could be spending them doing cool lightning shit.

The ~~manly~~ other way involves embracing the pain and the blood and the vomit and just getting knocked the fuck out. Your healers can then use a simple low level bonus action Healing Word to get you back on your feet to deliver your entire attack chain before you are inevitably battered the fuck unconscious once more. You should try it; it’ll put hair on your chest! And scars! Chicks dig scars! Just suck it the fuck up, Princess, keep hitting things while you’re up and try and keep the whimpering to a minimum while you’re down!

Thanks Drikk you incorrigible old misogynist you!

Healing Word is quite possibly the most overpowered spell in the game but it does put the recipient in more danger if they are constantly being KO’d. Anything smart will just twat them while they are down a few times. It might be more efficient on resources but it’s riskier too.

Regulus healed Celdar for 15 hit points, which was nice.

Regulus> And I’ll stay where I am for a minute because I don’t want to get pounded by a giant ape…
DM> Well that image is in my brain now…

The veterans all volley fired upon Abelapelas and the DM rolled a magnificent 2, 2, 5, 6, 9 and 11. Two hits against an AC12 ape the size of a house. \golfclap DM, \golfclap.

Kong Smash!

Celdar sneaks. He then also sneaks up the cliff, sneaks off a sneak attack at a veteran and then slinkily sneaks back down the cliff again. Sneakily.

Joffrey> I can’t really do anything…
Abelapelas> Just concentrate really hard!
Joffrey> I could do an absolute boss move! Yeah, I’m going to do that!
<horrified silence as people imagine what chaos is about to be unleashed>
Joffrey> I’m going to disadvantage-sling Veteran 7!
<laughter>
<Joffrey rolls a 1 and a 9, more laughter>

Joffrey hit Abelapelas but scurried behind a rock before the giant ape can turn and see who did it.

Elvira pulls the ‘one hit, one miss’ routine again. Matt pulls the ‘my lift height is fucked’ routine again. He did however, manage to hit a veteran with his longbow. He promptly rolled a 1 on the damage die for a total of 3 damage overall and there was some unseemly sniggering from the peanut gallery but he landed his second attack for a more respectable 7.

Abelapelas rampages up the cliff and does a Kong double-fist slam combo on Veteran 7 for a total of 46 damage. Veteran 7, or what was left of him, was removed from the map.

Regulus, meanwhile, decides to run up the cliff and cast Expeditious Retreat. That’s the spell most people look at in the book and swiftly move past to something a bit more spectacular.

Regulus streaks up the cliff… er.. no! Not in that way, he had clothes on! Anyway, Regulus runs up the cliff really fast and thunderfists a veteran. That veteran now has to attack Regulus or suffer disadvantage *coughcheesecough* The veteran flees and takes another thunderfist of opportunity for doing so.

Celdar the Cheesemonkey> If you hit with an attack of opportunity, doesn’t that stop you running away?
DM> <sigh>

At this point the DM decides to have one of the remaining 5 veterans flee and the other four try to engage the giant ape. Veteran 12 dashed towards the back edge of the map. This wasn’t really planned in advance but just seemed appropriate. It also injected a sense of urgency into the fight once the players realised what was likely to happen if any of them got away.

The DM once again rolled utterly pants on the attacks against Abelapelas but was phlegmatic about it; clearly the Dice Lords were just saving the good DM rolls for the boss fight.

It was looking like Veteran 12 was going to escape but Celdar had other ideas:

Celdar> I am going to climb up the cliff to get within five feet of Monsieur Clay and I am going to cast… Dimension Door! Myself and Clay will appear just in front of Veteran 12.
Abelapelas> I think you just made Matt a very happy person.
Clay> I am grinning!
DM> Dimension Door; you teleport yourself, range 500ft.
Regulus> Wow!
DM> You teleport yourself from your current location to any other spot within range. You may also bring one willing creature of your size or smaller. Matt, I will give you advantage on every roll until the end of the campaign if you are unwilling and have him die over there all by himself!
<laughter>
Clay> I’m afraid I’m willing!
Abelapelas> This plan now relies on Matt being able to roll well!
Clay> Fingers crossed!
Celdar> Well I’m going to do fuck all because I think that was all I have.
Adam> Back in a sec!
DM> Joffrey?
<laughter>
Joffrey/Adam> <sigh> Can someone half-arsed sling for me?
<The DM disadvantage-slings a veteran and rolled a 4 and a 6>

Q2C DP with BBC

DM> Elvira? Which one would you like to… double penetrate?
<sniggering occurs>
DM> <sigh> Sorry, the words were in my brain, I tried not to say it but they had to come out.

Planning took place and it was decided to heap damage on Veteran 12 near the edge of the map while Abelapelas assured everyone he could “hold the rest of them here”. Interesting.

The final result of all this was Elvira DP’ing Veteran 12.

DM> Clay?
Clay> I’m going to let Kraj down now.
DM> It’s ok, you could always Action Surge couldn’t you? Oh, wait…

Clay manoeuvres around to the rear of Veteran 12 and savagely attacks her!

Except he rolled a 2 and missed by rather a lot. This was greeted by slightly hysterical laughter as it looked like Veteran 12 was about to exit stage left. However, his second attack was a 17 and he added a trip attack but was foiled by the DM not rolling utter pants on the save for a change.

Abelapelas monkey-fists a nearby veteran for 29 and then 22 damage. Ouch.

Mike> What’s that total Jake?
Jake> Fuck off!

Regulus, doing his Flash impression (slightly camp, not very good superhero) dashes over to Veteran 9 and thunderfists him again, killing him. There are three veterans around the giant ape and one about to escape.

Veteran 8 triple attacks Abelapelas for quite a lot of damage but then does something unexpected:

DM> And then Veteran 8 steps back 15 feet.
Abelapelas> You fucking wot?
DM> Would you, as a giant ape that has just been hit by Veteran 8, like to make an attack of opportunity?
Abelapelas> I would like to beat the ever-loving shit out of Veteran 8!

And thus did Jake fall straight onto the DM’s trap although it could be argued that, as a giant ape, twatting the thing that just twatted you would be fairly high on its priority list.

Now that Veteran 12 was pinned down, the DM needed to get something else to run for help. Veteran 8 was so far untouched, whereas the other two veterans next to the ape were quite injured. Crucially however, they were 15ft closer to the edge of the map than 8.

Neither of the injured vets could survive the attack of opportunity so Veteran 8 taking one for the team allowed both the injured vets to simply dash away from Abelapelas as he’d just ~~wasted~~ used his reaction.

Veteran 8 wore 19 damage from her 58 hit point total while the two injured vets dashed away down the slopes and up the dry gully bed. They are both now 40ft from the edge of the map so will escape to the town if allowed to dash next turn.

Veteran 12 is also 40ft from the map edge but has a Clay and a Celdar to contend with:

DM> Veteran 12 is going to double-longsword Celdar because she thinks he’s a mage…
<shocked sounds as the DM rolls a 17 and a natural 20>
DM> Get in!
Abelapelas> <invokes heathen deity> Celdar is going to regret doing that!
Celdar> You did say “Go big or go home”
DM> So that’s 21 damage…
Abelapelas> I think that’s go big and go home!
Clay> On the plus side, you can’t roll another character this bad.
DM> And she attacks a third time with her shortsword…

Sadly, the DM rolled a 2 and missed. Celdar becomes 7HP-Celdar, six more than he needs! It is however 7HP-Celdar’s turn next so he can safely disen-fucking-gage and run-the-fuck-away back towards Abelapelas. Because with only 7HP that’s the sensible thing to do right? Right.

Intimidation, that’s what you need!

7HP-Celdar> I will… I’m going to regret this because my strength is wank… I’m going to attempt to grapple and…
<disbelieving laughter>
7HP-Celdar> …hold a knife to her throat and shout down to the guys in the gully “Stop or she dies!”
<silence>
<A tumble weed blows quietly through the gully>
Regulus> Right… erm… ok…
Abelapelas> It’s definitely an ‘interesting’ strategy.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Ballsy! Really, really fucking stupid but… definitely ballsy!”

The DM wasn’t overly bothered about having to resolve the utter mess Kraj had just created because we hadn’t done the grapple checks yet and veterans get +5 to Athletics whereas Celdar has -3 to Strength so absolutely nothing could go wrong.

It immediately went wrong, obviously <sigh>

-3 Str Celdar rolls a 19 for a total of 16 whereas the DM rolled a 4 for a total of 9. Fucking dice eh?

So now we have resolved the grapple the DM has to decide a whole bunch of stuff on the fly;

– Is there any chance at all they will listen?
– If so, what kind of check is called for to make them listen?
– Should it be one check or two as he’s trying to intimidate two different enemies?
– How hard would it be to get them to comply normally?
– What factors will further influence the difficulty?

The DM decides that it does have some chance of succeeding, it will be one roll for both because this is an all-or-nothing situation (one getting away is just as bad as both getting away), it’s an intimidation check and it’s a middle of the road DC 12 but made with disadvantage because of a host of factors counting against Celdar; he’s nearly dead, they are nearly dead, there’s a giant fucking ape about to start chasing them etc.

Two somewhat above average rolls would do it. He can still pull it off (stop it Adam!) but he’ll have to get a tad lucky.

DM> Make an intimidation check with disadvantage.
Celdar> It’s ok, my Charisma is only -2
Abelapelas> <loudly> You can do it! You can do it! <whispers> He can’t do it!
<Kraj rolls a 9 and a 10>
Celdar> Nope!
DM> Nice try though. Sadly, neither of them appears to be paying any attention to you.
<Jake disconnected from TTS>
DM> Bye Jake!
Jake> I may have switched over to the other screen and accidentally pressed the ‘x’ on TTS.
Matt> That was just an excuse to mention having two screens to Adam wasn’t it?
DM> Abelapelas enters ‘rampage’ mode…
Jake> ONE SECOND! Gimme one second! I’m back!

Power Cut

It is Joffrey’s turn and he has moved up the side of the gulley as far as he can. He is however, rather limited on what he can do while he is maintaining concentration on Abelapelas. He is just close enough to dump a Spike Growth on the two injured vets fleeing up the gully and said spell is duly dumped.

DM> There is a bright flash over this side, it is Veteran 8’s face lighting up as the giant ape turns back into the squishy mage.

They spent rather a long time planning, leading to the inevitable conclusion:

Joffrey> Er… is it Elvira’s go?
Abelapelas> Probably… we’ve been talking a lot.
<laughter>
Elvira> <rather smugly> Gary hasn’t said my name yet though!
<more laughter>
DM> True! I was looking something up; Abelas, you are no longer bladesinging.
Abelas> Well..
DM> You became the giant ape and lost access to it… I’ll need to look that up later.

The DM has duly looked that up and indeed any buffs are lost when you get Polymorphed, this includes Rage, for example.

Abelas> That feels fair. It ends early if you are incapacitated, wear heavy armour or use a two handed weapon. I did throw a rock.
DM> Look, I’m playing The Witcher 3 on bastard-hard difficulty using a potion-based build and halfway through the Kaer Morhen fight, after a cutscene, the fuckers took away all my decoction buffs and wouldn’t let me meditate to get them back! So that’s the mood I’m in so all your buffs are gone because all my buffs were gone!
Regulus> <laughing> Fuck your buffs Jake!
DM> Yeah! That’s the way that’s going!
Jake> <laughing> I’m really sorry Gary!
DM> Right then.. er.. shit, where were we? … Elvira!
<laughter>

Having finally gotten her turn, Elvira has to wait to make her attack while a significant discussion took place. Unlike normally though, this one was quite important and it involved everyone, not least Elvira, while they tried to figure out the best way to stop the three veterans from escaping. This was fairly crucial so the DM was happy to just let it play out.

Elvira lets fly from the other side of the map and strikes the less-injured vet and hits him with a Grasping Arrow.

Abelas> Is there no save for that?
DM> No.
Abelas> Bloody hell!

The spell attack roll is the arrow shot, it already hit. Think of it like a flaming arrow; if the arrow hits, the poor sod on the receiving end of it going to get burned, no further save necessary.

DM> Clay?
<Clay is next to Veteran 12 who is next to 7HP-Celdar>
7HP-Celdar> <with a hint of desperation> Fuck it up!
Abelas> It’s grappled isn’t it! That would be attacking with advantage?!
DM> <deepest of deep sighs> Fuck me…
<Laughter as the DM assigns the cheese of the week award to Jake>
Clay> I will try and stab Veteran 2.
Regulus> Veteran 12…
DM> No! He said Veteran 2!
<Laughter; Veteran 2 is a squished pile if mush under the imprint of a giant ape fist>
<Clay rolls a decent attack and does 12 damage>
DM> Veteran 12 is looking somewhat worse for wear!
Clay> And I’ll go again…
<He rolls a 3>
Clay> <sigh> And then I will…. be grumpy!
DM> Abelapel… no… ‘Abelas’?
Abelas> I choose not to activate bladesong and I cast… Storm Sphere!

Finally, after bigging it up for three sessions we get to see it in action! Abelas casts it right between the two fleeing injured veterans.

Finally!

A 20-foot-radius sphere of whirling air springs into existence centred on a point you choose within range. The sphere remains for the spell’s duration. Each creature in the sphere when it appears or that ends its turn there must succeed on a Strength saving throw or take 2d6 bludgeoning damage. The sphere’s space is difficult terrain.
Until the spell ends, you can use a bonus action on each of your turns to cause a bolt of lightning to leap from the centre of the sphere toward one creature you choose within 60 feet of the centre. Make a ranged spell attack. You have advantage on the attack roll if the target is in the sphere. On a hit, the target takes 4d6 lightning damage.
Creatures within 30 feet of the sphere have disadvantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks made to listen.

The DM rolled the strength checks and one made it, one failed. We did squeeze in the inevitable ‘only DC 14’ comment though so don’t worry. The follow-up lightning bolt struck Veteran 10 and killed him.

Abelas> And then I’m going to stand here and hope Veteran 8 takes the bait!
7HP-Celdar> Rename his mini to ‘The Bait’!
Abelas> Don’t taunt him!
DM> Did I mention Veterans have Action Surge?
Abelas> I don’t care, I finally got to use Storm Sphere!
7HP-Celdar> His work here is done!

The DM didn’t have to rename it as it was already called ‘Soon-to-be-Deadbelas’ after his failure to dash when he entered the gully with a full squad of triple-attack veterans hot on his heels.

Assumptions Were Made

Sadly Regulus spoiled the DM’s fun (and everyone else’s) and thunderfisted Veteran 8 which meant if she attempted to wreck Abelas it would be at disadvantage. I’m just going to call him Grinch from now on <sigh>.

Instead, Veteran 8 attacks the Grinch who casts Shield to give himself 27.. sorry, that should be twentyfuckingseven armour class. The DM makes a metal note to do something about that later on in the campaign.

Abelas> Twenty fucking seven?
<Once again the DM is slightly disturbed at how close his thought processes are to Jake’s>
DM> Veteran 12 is going to double longsword 7HP-Celdar.
Abelas> Oh Celdar!
Oh Celdar> Are you sure, because she’s grappled?
<awkward silence>
Abelas> Yeah, it just means movement is zero. She can still attack you.
<More awkward silence>
DM> <with a barely perceptible trace of sarcasm> Don’t you think you ought to read what you did before you actually did it?

The DM helpfully pointed out the handy reference documents on the gaming table and then even more helpfully read out the description of grapple. The DM has an incredibly well stocked supply of sarcasm and consequently has never actually run out of it before… but he came close on this occasion.

Grinch> I think the extra 2d6 damage you have done to her may be… and I’m not going to judge, I didn’t say it at the time… I mean I did… but it’s fine! You’ve given Matt a target to whiff at!

That last bit was a bit harsh. It was also true and funny…

One of the longsword attacks landed on Oh Celdar for 7 damage.

ROGUE DOWN!

DM> Veteran 12 is no longer grappled and she still has her movement. This is where is gets a bit tricky because we are on the edge of the map to town.
Clay> I’d get an opportunity attack right?
DM> Right. She’ll move anyway…
Clay> I’ll use my opportunity attack then and… can you still add manoeuvres on opportunity attacks?
DM> <grudgingly> Yes. It is utter cheese but the rules say yes.
Abelas/Kroq> <gleefully> It is utter cheese!
Clay> From what I’ve seen online the rules say you can but a lot of DMs say you can’t.
DM> <still grudgingly> Yes, you can. <laughing> But it still fucking cheese!
Abelas> It’s still a Strength save and the DM has been rolling them for fun tonight.

Clay hit the fleeing Veteran and the tension was palpable as the DM rolls to see if the trip attack will land.

The DM rolled a 1, obviously <sigh>

<Relieved sighs all round>
Grinch> We have never been as quiet as around that table…
<laughter>
DM> Actually, according to the UA, if you’ve just rendered unconscious someone who was grappling you, on a Thursday, you can’t be targeted by a Strength save in the same turn! It’s in the UA! Trust me, I’m a DM!

Oh Celdar makes a death save and fails it in style with a 2. He is now…

ONE DIE FROM DEATH!!!

Eh, he’ll be fine I’m sure… right?

DM> Would anyone like to talk about anything in particular before I say ‘Elvira?’
<Silence>
DM> Elvira?
Grinch> Come on! Hurry up Christina! We’re always waiting for you!
<laughter>
DM> <sigh> We are such a bunch of dicks.

A Shadow Arrow was fired at the hapless veteran left in the Spike Growth meaning he was spiked, tangled, stuck in a Storm Sphere and now he was blind. Some days you get to shoot the 50 Cal, some days the 50 Cal gets to shoot you.

To leave him to die or not to leave him to die, that is the question!

A relatively short but intense discussion takes place over Clay’s options. There’s a 5% chance that Oh Celdar will roll a 1, get a double death save fail and die. However, Clay is the only one who can realistically stop Veteran 12 from getting back to town and calling for help.

Clay chose to go after the veteran, leaving Oh Celdar in the hands of fate!

Another pensive moment as Clay rolls his first attack, relieved laughter as he gets 17 To-Hit; exactly the AC of the veteran. He deals 22 damage but Veteran 12 only had 5 hit points left and is removed from play.

DM> Do you want to do anything else?
Clay> Only to say sorry to Kraj!
Kraj> <laughing> It’s ok!
DM> “Good luck buddy!”
Clay> I can’t save you but I can cross my fingers!
DM> Gimpy the Wizard? Suddenly everything about you seems very big.

Gimpy lightning bolts the stuck, blind, electrified, wounded vet but he still lives! The elven mage then follows up with a level 3 Magic Missile. It turns out that veteran also only had 5HP left.

The last veteran starts legging it towards the opposite end of the map. It’s a long way to go.

It is once again time for Oh Celdar’s death save and a 1 will see him dead.

DM> I’m sure everything will be fine Celdar, you couldn’t possibly roll a 1 could you?
Abelas> It was nice knowing you Celdar!
Oh Celdar> Ready?
Grinch> Matt, move away from the screen!
<nervous laughter>
<silence>
<The d20 rises into the air… and comes down… on a four!>
DM> DOH!
<exclamations of relief>
DM> Celdar once again spends his entire turn bleeding out on the desert floor.

Joffrey Magic Missiles the final fleeing veteran but as Oh Celdar is still bleeding out the DM has to remind everyone we are still in combat until that is resolved. A very long discussion took place on how best to stop Oh Celdar from dying and Clay was the only one who could do it this turn.

Eventually it was decided that the best, obvious, most effective way to solve the problem was to use a Healer’s Kit to stabilise the rogue.

Clay> Er… I don’t have a Healers Kit…
<Table-wide sighs>
DM> How much gold do you have Clay?
Clay> Er… 650!
DM> Healers Kit; 25 gold, 10 charges.

Eventually Clay pours a healing potion down the rogue’s neck.

DM> End of combat.
Abelas> I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. Not only did I get to be an ape, I got to cast the greatest spell of all time.

This is simply wrong as obviously the greatest spell ever is Hunger of Hadar:

You open a gateway to the dark between the stars, a region infested with unknown horrors. A 20-foot-radius sphere of blackness and bitter cold appears, centred on a point with range and lasting for the duration. This void is filled with a cacophony of soft whispers and slurping noises that can be heard up to 30 feet away.
No light, magical or otherwise, can illuminate the area, and creatures fully within the area are blinded. The void creates a warp in the fabric of space, and the area is difficult terrain. Any creature that starts its turn in the area takes 2d6 cold damage. Any creature that ends its turn in the area must succeed on a Dexterity saving throw or take 2d6 acid damage as milky, otherworldly tentacles rub against it.

Soft whispers in the dark, groping milky tentacles and slurping noises… much like a date with Kraj’s mum!

Info Dump

The surrendered veteran, Nigella, is currently unconscious as she’s had a giant badger sat on her for a few rounds. They take the passed out Nigella back to Lily’s house (Oren the Bard’s sister).

As the DM transitioned back to the main quest map, a random white horse from the Mornbryn town map appeared. It appeared right on Discount Mirkwood, AKA Binky’s Doom! It’s fated to be!

They decide to start interrogating Nigella and ask her several questions all at once. The DM points out she is still unconscious and so they wake her up and ask those questions again.

Grinch> Was there anything… what was the leader called? I’m gonna go with Bert…
DM> <trying not to laugh> His name was Oboth Thornsteel.
Grinch> Bert then!
Abelas> Yep, we’re gonna call him Bert now!
DM> So you’re stood about asking all these questions of an unconscious prisoner?
Abelas> Oh… right!
Grinch> We better get our game faces on before we wake her up!
<laughter>

Nigella is woken up and seems resigned to her fate. She informs the players that she is part of a mercenary company and that she started out as a caravan guard just like the party did. She was actually part of the caravan the players started the campaign with before they left to go to Nightstone. After the players left, the caravan was attacked and she took an arrow to the knee!

The wound went bad and the temple healing fees were high, forcing her to take a loan from the Zhentarim’s Black Network. She took work with the mercenary company and they were subsequently hired by the Zhetarim. There’s something big going down (no, not Kraj’s mum (for a change)) in what was once the town of Nesmė but they only wanted full Zhentarim members for guarding the ruins. Those are all bruisers and thugs whereas the trained mercenaries were hired to guard the road leading to Nesmė.

Nesmė was reduced to ruins by orcs and a white dragon during the recent War of the Silver Marches. When word of the fire giants walking through town came in, Oboth (Bert), very much a full Zhentarim, decided to take the mercenaries to Mornbryn’s Shield and then became obsessed with finding the ranger’s tomb.

Some of the mercenary company didn’t particularly like what happened in town but Oboth hadn’t hurt any of the townsfolk yet, just applied some scummy intimidation tactics. Most of the mercenaries are dicks, not much better than bandits but a few are decent people caught up in bad circumstances like her.

She suggests they let her go back to Oboth and she can persuade the others to leave with her when the fighting starts. Insight checks were made and it was generally thought that Nigella was telling the truth.

They did a LOT of planning about what to do but the DM was going to take a giant dump all over it… symbolically at least. All this planning was stuff that could have happened if they didn’t long rest. They decided to long rest which passed the initiative to Oboth.

They sent Nigella back to tell Oboth what happened and when it became obvious that they were going to let her go she told the group that the patrol leaders had Sending Stones. These were recovered from the gully and Nigella said she would send a message the next day confirming what was going to happen.

Sending Stones come in pairs, with each smooth stone carved to match the other so the pairing is easily recognized. While you touch one stone, you can use an action to cast the Sending spell from it. The target is the bearer of the other stone. If no creature bears the other stone, you know that fact as soon as you use the stone and don’t cast the spell.
Once Sending is cast through the stones, they can’t be used again until the next dawn. If one of the stones in a pair is destroyed, the other one becomes non-magical.

Sending: You send a short message of twenty-five words or less to a creature with which you are familiar. The creature hears the message in its mind, recognizes you as the sender if it knows you, and can answer in a like manner immediately. The spell enables creatures with Intelligence scores of at least 1 to understand the meaning of your message.
You can send the message across any distance and even to other planes of existence, but if the target is on a different plane than you, there is a 5 percent chance that the message doesn’t arrive.

They long rested overnight and Joffrey mentioned he was changing out some of his spells.

The following morning there was a knock on the door which turned out to be Daphne with a message from Oboth; he has taken a number of villagers hostage. The people who attacked his patrols are to appear on main street at noon or he will kill the hostages. You are to approach from the north end of town or he will kill the hostages.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will the players turn up for the high-noon low-down?
– What changes has Joffrey made to his spells?
– Will Oh Celdar nearly die again?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Everyone enjoyed the map and the combat. For a fairly innocuous fight it had some quite suspenseful moments and Matt’s failed attack on the fleeing Veteran 12 was fondly remembered.