SKT Episode 21: TCCIAD – Ten-foot Squares

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – Not only do you take the piss out of me.. you use maths!
Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Right, you need to mount me.
Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – I like that plan!
Karl/Kraj as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – If I did that every time he insulted me…
Mike as Regulus (TCCIAD) the Artificer – If you say to me “Who’s shit?” it goes to Abelas doesn’t it?

With:

Gary as the DM – That’s what it says in chat; “Kraj fail”

Author’s Note:

Because the DM forgot to start recording, some of the opening banter was lost and will be reproduced from memory. Thus, the first section is likely to be even more inaccurate than the rest of it usually is.

There’s a lot of travel coming up and logically, thought the DM, they’d go to Waterdeep, then Amphail then Kryptgarden Forest, Shadowtop Cathedral and finally Morbryn’s Shield on the way to Xantharl’s Keep. So while the DM had created the map for Mornbryn’s Shield (just in case) he hadn’t put too much more work into it because they’d probably get there next week at the earliest right? Right.

They had other ideas, obviously <sigh>

This is another of those sessions where I’m going to come off (stop sniggering Adam) as being rather harsh on the players. I thoroughly enjoyed this session and spent most of it laughing. Sadly, as most non-combat episodes tent to be, and as I recently said to Kraj’s mum, this one is quite large.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants.

Pre-session Guff

Matt couldn’t make it tonight because moving house is apparently more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Mike and Jake joined and Mike informed the DM that he would be staying melee spec as Matt had put his house before gaming. Jake joined, caught the last bit of that conversation and confidently assured everyone that “It’s ok, I’m here, melee is sorted”.

The DM tells the players that there’s a fair chance that this might be a combat free episode. They tried really hard to make that prediction fail <sigh>.

In the midst of a fond recollection about the time a swarm of giant mosquitoes killed Adam’s panther, the recently connected Kraj became the recently disconnected Kraj:

DM> <sigh> Kraj has just failed… that’s what it says in chat: “Kraj fail”.
Mike> I think he took it personally when you said it all went wrong when he logged on.
<Kraj reconnects>
Kraj> Well my Internet just died, that was random.
Mike> We just said you stormed off because Gary had insulted you.
Kraj> <with a tinge of resignation in his voice> If I did that every time he insulted me…
<laughter>
Kraj> … we’d never get anything done.

Fair. Definitely fair.

As Adam wasn’t due until half-past nine the rest of us wibbled on about random awesome stuff like the Predator mission in Ghost Recon Wildlands, LMGs with extended magazines in The Division and Skyrim quests.

Adam finally turned up at a quarter to ten in the midst of a discussion on how much they are going to fuck up KOTOR 3.

Off Piste

The DM reminded the party about the rumour they heard about two blue dragons sighted near Ascore. The adventurers still weren’t adventurous enough to go take a look, which is a surprisingly sensible decision based on their past performance.

They were offered two immediate options for travel; a caravan to Waterdeep, for which they would be paid 10g each as guards, or head straight overland to Amphail. Sadly, in making the logical guess on where they would travel, the DM forgot to account for the ‘Mike Factor’:

Mike> Here’s a question guys; if we go to Waterdeep we can pick up the teleporter, probably go to Amphail after that…
DM thinking> Oh, good, logical.
Mike>… and then after that I think it’s worth us heading over to Loudwater…
DM thinking> Wait, what?! Did he just say fucking LOUDWATER?!
Mike> And then we can teleport back to Waterdeep and go up to Neverwinter…
DM thinking> Neverwinter?! WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD THEY GO TO NEVERWINTER?!
Mike> But I kind of want to get things activated so…
DM thinking>

DM saying> And you couldn’t have told me any of this shit last week so I could have prepped it, no?
<laughter>
Mike> <laughing> I just think… I don’t know if it’s worth, while we’re down this end, going over to Loudwater… even if it’s just a case of popping in without loading a map up, activating it and leaving again.

Ok, this is not Skyrim, this is The Sword Coast. It’s a dangerous place normally. It’s particularly dangerous when random giants are rampaging about. There’s no ‘just popping over to’ somewhere, you have to adventure to your destination. You have to pass through other locations to get to where you are going. These locations may have all sorts of things happening in them and the DM has to prep these things. So, should you happen to decide to go in exactly the opposite direction that ALL of your current quests are in, you just might want to think about mentioning that to the DM before you do it. Like at least a week before you do it. Just sayin’.

Wow, that was almost as much of a sermon than the last episode of The Preacher and The Winter Soldier.

Eventually they decided to go to Waterdeep where Mike was convinced that Chazlauth Yarghorn, the dragon ‘expert’ was, in fact, actually a dragon himself.

Waterdeep

The City of Splendors is a bustling, walled city on the Sword Coast. Some merchants have dubbed Waterdeep the best supply centre in the world, with the largest collection of superb craft workers, experts, useful contacts, and potential hirelings to be found anywhere. Others caution that the city houses a veritable army of potential enemies for those who aren’t careful — and everyone agrees that its wide, crowded streets are full of spies.
Waterdhavian noble families and guilds hold tremendous political and economic sway up and down the Sword Coast, but within the city itself, true power lies with the Masked Lords of Waterdeep — rulers who convene in secret and whose identities are largely unknown. The public face of this ruling body is the Open Lord of Waterdeep. The current Open Lord, Lady Laeral Silverhand, has held the position for only a few months. Many of the city’s nobles and guildmasters are vying for her attention while conspiring to wrest power away from her office. There’s also trouble brewing between the Zhentarim, which has gained an economic foothold in the city, and the Xanathar Thieves’ Guild, which controls much of the city’s criminal underworld.
Characters who belong to the Harpers, the Order of the Gauntlet, the Lords’ Alliance, or the Zhentarim can find faction representatives in Waterdeep.

We have two items to attend to in the city of wonders; Zi Liang’s quest to see the butler in House Thran and Naxene’s quest to see Chazlauth totally-not-a-dragon Yarghorn about recruiting the good dragons to help the Lord’s Alliance against the giants.

They activated the teleporter first and then chose to go visit the butler and made their way to house Thran. On the way there, Adam had a rather random seeming question:

Adam> Gary, do you have a Giant Ape model?
<laughing starts>
DM> Er… I can get probably get one…
Mike> Where are you going to see a Giant Ape?
Adam> It’s Polymorph, it’s magic, I don’t need to see it!
Mike> I’m not sure that’s what Gary ruled in the last game…
<It isn’t>
Adam> Who wouldn’t want to turn into King Kong?!
<Anyone in a room with a 10ft ceiling, anyone in a corridor, anyone who doesn’t want to be targeted by a Banish spell with a -2 to Charisma. I could go on but why spoil the surprises?>
DM> A Giant Ape is relatively common as an exotic animal in circuses and such around the Sword Coast.
Mike> <dismissively> Any animal Adam turns into is fairly common.
DM> <sigh>
Adam> No! I’m not turning into a Giant Ape, one of you lot are!

They spent some time fucking about (about three minutes) and subsequently they forgot why they were in Waterdeep:

Jake> I think we were thinking of going to the butler place.
Mike> Is that totally not a dragon or…?
Jake > That’s not the dragon. That one came from Lee… Leigh… something.
DM> <sigh> Li Zieng.
Jake > Li Zieng, the monk.
Mike > Gary, we’re missing the quest things.
DM> Oh for fuck sake, it was like on the other map two seconds ago. This is why you came here. You need to talk to the butler of house Thran for Li Zieng and you need to talk to the dragon expert. That’s all you need to know.
Mike > So we need to go to the temple of what? Ok, let’s go and see the butler.
Jake> I can feel Gary’s blood pressure going up.
Adam> Please don’t annoy Gary, I’ve got to spend a weekend working with him!
<laughter>
DM> <trying not to laugh> Fuck you all! <loads up the quest map with the quest cards on it> Do you want to read the cards now?
Mike> Yes please!
DM> <trying to sound scathing while still trying not to laugh> The cards that tell you nothing you don’t already know?!
<more laughter>
DM> Right! Fuck you all! <flips table>

Good times.

Right, after all that mess they decided to go see the butler. Except they didn’t. Regulus, obviously, wanted to “go find out about these people” from the faction contacts. Thankfully, they lost patience during the discussion of how to do that and decided to follow the original extremely simple instructions of ‘Go here, give the man this thing, get a reward’.

Round the Back

So the gimpy elf wizard, the shifty looking elf rogue, the war-robot, the Air Genasi offspring of an inter-planar being and the KKK recruiter all rock up at the front entrance of House Thran, a very imposing looking mansion with very nice gardens, trying to look respectable.

They are met by a rather pompous doorman who directs them to the servant’s entrance, mainly because the DM likes winding up the players as much as the players like winding up the DM.

They grumbled about it but were soundly defeated by the logic that, while they were not servants, the person they wanted to talk to was.

The party are warmly greeted by the kitchen staff, offered refreshments (Joffrey got some warm milk) and the elderly but very dignified head butler Cauldar is summoned. Regulus explains in robot voice about the pearl from Zi Liang and Cauldar explains that Zi Liang is committed to an aesthetic lifestyle with the church and the pearl means her inheritance is to be given to the players. Two servants are sent to the attic to retrieve a chest:

Abelas> Loot!
Regulus> Oooooh!
Abelas> LOOOOOT!
Joffrey> Mimic!
DM> The trunk contains a variety of bits and bobs but there are two magic items within… rolled on magic item table C no less… I’m going to regret this but these were genuine rolls, I have replaced a few rolls that were duplicates in the campaign but these were the originals… There is a Wand of Magic Missiles…
<gasps>
DM> …and a Chime of Opening. The WoMM is an Uncommon item but the chime is a Rare item so you got lucky on that one.

Cauldar mentions that the black pearl amulet is quite rare and offers to see it returned to Zi Liang. Despite Joffrey’s obvious objections, the rest of the group decide to leave the rather valuable pendant with Cauldar.

DM> I’m just going to randomly throw out the fact that two blue dragons are likely to have a spanking dragon hoard out there in the desert. Just sayin’.

No bites today DM, keep on fishin’

Regulus enquired if Cauldar knew anything about ‘Mister Totally-not-a-dragon’ and the group were given direction s to the North Ward where they were told to look out for the big house with a tower on the corner. “Totally accessible by air!” Regulus observed.

Cauldar also informed them that Chazlauth Totally-not-a-dragon Yarghorn kept cats and some kind of big lizard.

Regulus> Ah, this next NPC is going to be my next favourite NPC after, obviously, the totally fabulous Benjamin!

<Spoilers; he really isn’t!>

Chazlauth Totally-not-a-dragon Yarghorn

Regulus> Erm, do we wanna decide who gets the loot?
Abelas> I think the one who needs the most To-Hit, so Elvira should get the WoMM.
Regulus> Yeah, because she always misses doesn’t she? It’s getting quite embarrassing.
Abelas> It gives her another option.
Elvira> I like that plan!
Regulus> I don’t know about you but when I… if you say to me “Who’s shit?” it goes to Abelas doesn’t it?
<shots fired!>
Abelas> I can already Magic Missile!
Regulus> <gently but also brutally> Yes… but you don’t, that’s the thing.
DM> Now you can Magic Missile for free five times a day… six times if you want to live dangerously.
Regulus> And let’s face it, that will make you five times more useful than you are at the minute!
Celdar> Five times zero is still zero.
Regulus> Niiiice! Nice maths joke!
Abelas> That’s just too cruel! Not only do you take the piss out of me.. you use maths!

Chazlauth (Totally Not A Dragon) opens the door, he appears to be an elderly human mage and also appears to totally not be a dragon and enquires of the party “Waddaya want?!”

As the door is opened there is a flash of something large and silver in the room behind him. Whatever it was it disappeared up the stairs to the tower. When the party mention they were sent by Naxene to discuss business about the Lord’s Alliance, Chazlauth (TNAD) invites them in, sees them seated on a pair of large sofas and offers them some tea.

As he is doing this a loud screeching snarl sounds from upstairs followed by the sounds of a number of panicked cats which merge with the sound of falling objects. Chazlauth (TNAD) staggers over to the door and yells up the stairs “IRIZZORL! BEHAVE YOURSELF!” and then goes back to making the tea. The sounds from above are not diminished in any way.

DM> Joffrey, your Tressym is cowering in the hood of your robes, shaking.
Joffrey> Can I do a nature check to figure out what that was?
DM> Absolutely!
Joffrey> It’s a 12..
Regulus (Totally Convinced Chazlauth IS a Dragon)> You’re a DRUID and you have plus one to Nature?!
Joffrey> It’s Intelligence based!
DM> The screeching is reptilian.

Regulus (TCCIAD) tries the check as well and rolls an 11. Celdar has a go and does much better and now knows that the screeching is from a silver dragon wyrmling. The party seemed entirely unsure what to do with this newfound knowledge,

Regulus (TCCIAD) attempts to explain the entire campaign plotline to Chazlauth (TNAD) but Chazlauth (TNAD) falls asleep halfway through. He does pick up on the fact that Naxene wants the Lord’s Alliance to form a pact with the good dragons against the giants. Chazlauth (TNAD) has a good laugh at this and suggests that the Lord’s Alliance would rather hurl themselves into the Nine Hells than deal with dragons.

Instead, the elderly mage (still TNAD) suggests a different plan:

Chazlauth (TNAD)> You should go have a chat with Old Gnawbone in Kryptgarden Forest. Got a magnificent set of balls!
<surprised laughter>
Chazlauth (TNAD)> Made of crystal they are! Can scry all sorts of things. Green dragon… green dragon.. old and evil BUT she doesn’t like giants and so she’ll probably use her balls to help you fight the giants… if she doesn’t eat you.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Could you contact your silver dragon friends to assist us as well?
Chazlauth (TNAD)> Errrrrm…. No.
<laughter>
Chazlauth (TNAD)> But bear with me.
DM> He toddles off to a nearby cabinet muttering “Green dragons! Poison! POISON!” and he grabs 5 potions of a dark green liquid, mutters “There were more! There were more!” and he fumbles around in a drawer and finds another one. He hands each of you a Potion of Poison Resistance.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Does this make us resistant or immune?
DM> Resistant.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> <to Chazlauth (TNAD)> OK, we’ll go and speak to Old Gnawbone but if you could possibly get words to any goodly dragons that you know about the threat that’s coming from the giants…
Chazlauth (TNAD)> <dismissively> No!
Regulus (TCCIAD)> <somewhat miffed> OK. Think about it though?
Chazlauth (TNAD)> <dismissively> No!
Regulus (TCCIAD)> <somewhat more miffed> Great. We’ll leave it that you’re thinking about it and possibly going to talk to them…
Chazlauth (TNAD)> <curtly> Bye.
Regulus> <sigh> Totally not a dragon. If he’s a dragon he’s a fucking bronze dragon or something shit like that!

Rassalantar

The party ready themselves to leave Waterdeep and discuss where to go next.

Jake> This is such a different campaign to our last one. Everywhere we’ve left is still standing!

Jake hasn’t yet made the connection that everywhere they go, trouble is either waiting or shows up shortly afterwards.

Kryptgarden Forest is not far north of Amphail and halfway along the route to Shadowtop Cathedral so that’s the blindingly obvious route that any sensible group would take to hit the most quest locations in the shortest time right? Right.

Obviously they chose to do something almost, but not entirely completely different. They started well by heading to Amphail and elected to stay overnight in the small village of Rassalantar.

Many a traveler has come upon the quiet village of Rassalantar and taken comfort in the soft beds and rich ale of the Sleeping Dragon, a cozy roadside inn. Few pay much attention to the walled farms and grazing sheep around the town, and fewer still take notice of the ruined keep hidden among the stand of trees west of the village. Yet Waterdeep has long maintained a large contingent of its City Guard here, using a nearby barracks as the base for outriders who infrequently patrol the road north as far as Amphail and south to Waterdeep.
Yondral Horn (male shield-dwarf), a retired adventurer on the Black Network’s payroll, runs the Sleeping Dragon and keeps an eye on the activities of the City Guard and any Lords’ Alliance members that come through. Anyone who is a member of the Lords’ Alliance receives the finest quarters, which happen to have thin walls so that Yondral can spy on his guests.

Elvira was offered the good rooms with thin walls and this caused some very seedy speculation indeed. Regulus (TCCIAD) insight checks the dwarf and feels his interest in Elvira is professional in nature.

The DM had some trouble convincing the players that the night had actually passed uneventfully and finally just switched to out-of-character chat and explained the whole Zhentarim spying on the Lord’s Alliance thing.

Regulus (TCCIAD)> Ah, clearly he doesn’t realise how little attention Christina paid to her backstory.

Am-fail

The DM had managed to miss the suggested encounter for Aphail and so we didn’t do it. It wasn’t a big deal as there’s only a few nice magic loot items the players miss out on by not doing it.

HAH! I’m kidding!

Or am I?!

Amphail lies north of Waterdeep on the Long Road. The town is named after one of Waterdeep’s early warlords, who is said to haunt the surrounding hills in spirit form, frightening away monsters. Horses are bred and trained here, rich Waterdhavians maintain secluded estates in the hills, and farmland is plentiful. Stands of dark duskwood and spruce trees are everywhere.
In one corner of the town square stands the Great Shalarn, a black stone statue of a famous war stallion bred in Amphail long ago. Gelded by a prankster, the rearing stone horse is often painted in bright colours by high-spirited locals. Children are allowed to hurl stones at birds perched on the statue, to help keep it free of droppings. The children often climb it themselves and cling precariously to the high, tilted saddle, waving their arms and commanding imaginary armies into battle.

Within spitting distance of the statue is the Stag-Horned Flagon, a cozy tavern run by a grey-haired, middle-aged woman with a wry sense of humour named Arleosa Starhenge whom the party have been sent to meet by Miros at Goldenfields. The town looks as if they are preparing for a festival.

The adventurers greet Arleosa and explain that Miros said they should say hello if they were passing through. Arleosa buys them a round of drinks and explains that she and Miros were in the same travelling carnival troupe together. She was born in the Feywild and can change her shape several times a day, a skill she doesn’t use much at all these days.

Once the players explain the events at Goldenfields, Arleosa gifts the party a ring left to her many years before by a halfling.. er… ‘acquaintance’ and should they ever be in need they just have to whisper his name to the ring and he will appear to assist them. The name is Keltar Dardragon.

DM> Arleosa actually hands the ring to Elvira because the book says “She offers the ring to the character she likes the most” and, I mean, that’s not even a competition is it? A bunch of arseholes and Christina…
Regulus (TCCIAD)> I was going to ask her how she avoided the curse of the shapechanger because the only shapechanger I’ve come across makes you a bit of a dick!
Joffrey> Wait, you did what?! Did you wipe it off afterwards?
DM> <sigh>

Just re-read it if you didn’t get it ok?

Less Am, More Fail

Right then Amphail is done and it’s off to the next destination which has to be Kryptgarden Forest just to the north past Redlarch, right? Right.

Regulus (TCCIAD)> Where to next then?
Abelas> We could go always make our way through Red Larch up to Westbridge… or not even that far, just off road it to Kryptgarden…
DM thinking> Well that was easy.
Abelas> .. to do the dragon thing but it is a dragon…
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Yeah, it’s not only a dragon thing, it’s a green dragon thing.
Abelas> Frankly, any dragon thing seems like death!* Or, we could teleport up to Yartar and wander over to Shadowtop.
DM thinking> Ok, that’s stupid but it’s not the worst choice.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> I’m not sure that’s a better option than going to see the green dragon! Shadowtop Cathedral doesn’t sound welcoming.
Abelas> Zlifferlas wants us to find a druid called Aerglas in Shadowtop Cathedral.
DM> Aerglas is the one who made Zlifferlas.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Oh right, because now we’ve got the ring to summon the halfling we can use that to distract the priests because it will look like a child from a distance! Liking it!

*Oh for the days of Phandelver when the DM was worried because the level 3 adventurers actually wanted to pick a fight with a green dragon. Guess they were all a lot more adventurous back in those days <sigh>

As the discussion on where to go next rambles ever onwards the DM would like to summarise the travel options that were available to the players from the start of the session. You know, just to put it in perspective:

– Waterdeep – Next to where they started. Has rewards and a lead about how to defeat the giants

– Amphail – Next to waterdeep and on the way to everywhere else

– Kryptgarden Forest – Just up the road from Amphail and on the way to everywhere else. Continues the lead on how to defeat the giants.

– Shadowtop Cathedral – Kind of out of the way and not really on the way to anywhere else but contains a different lead on how to defeat the giants.

– Mornbry’s Shield – No real point going there beyond checking on Oren’s sister. Kind of out of the way but on the way to Xantharl’s Keep which they will almost certainly (but not as certainly as before this session!) be the very last place they go in this little section of the chapter.

So, Waterdeep, Kryptgarden and Shadowtop all really important. Amphail on the way to any of them. Mornbryn not important and on the way to the last place they’ll want to visit.

They chose to go to Mornbryn obviously. I mean, why wouldn’t you just ignore all of the important shit that will get you loot and information and instead just bugger off miles out of the way to visit a drunken bard’s sister. Makes perfect sense, right? Right.

Abelas> I don’t like the idea of even going close to a dragon at level 7.
DM thinking> Oh for fuck sake, you beat a black dragon in the last campaign at level fucking five and with crap gear! Well… Shiro did most of the work, but still.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Yeah, I think going back there a little bit later when we are a level or two higher might be more impactive.
DM thinking> A level or two won’t help
Abelas> I’m not sure a level or two will help.
DM thinking> Crap, I’m thinking like Jake, do I need to be worried?!
DM saying> Chazlauth (TNAD) was reasonably sure she wouldn’t just kill you outright.
<This is another of those DM’s ‘big-fucking-clue’ type thingies>
Regulus (TCCIAD)> <with surprising venom> Yeah but Chazlauth (TNAD) was a bit, and I use the phrase in its traditional sense, of a dick! So… I didn’t like him.

There was a lot more of this and in order to break the impasse they applied logic and reasoning and… oh, no, wait, they just rolled a die <sigh>:

Regulus (TCCIAD)> And we are going to <rolls> Babdaadaa! Mornbryn’s Shield!

DM thinking> It’s fucking Womford all over again!

Yup. They didn’t even consider having Xantharl’s Keep as one of the options and yet Mornbryn’s Shield is on the fucking way to it! <deep breath… wooooosaaaaah!>

Oh well, excrement occurs I guess.

Mornbryn’s Shield (AKA The Other Womford)

Mornbryn’s Shield, a village on the western fringe of the Evermoors, takes its name from the rocky, horseshoe ridge that forms a natural rampart along the west and south sides of the settlement, protecting it against flooding when the Surbrin River swells in the spring. At the northeast end of Mornbryn’s Shield is a small stone keep with fire-hurling catapults aimed toward the Evermoors. Mornbryn was a ranger of some fame in the North centuries ago, and legend has it that his treasure-filled tomb is hidden somewhere close by.
The villagers are accustomed to facing threats from the Evermoors, but nothing as formidable as fire giants. Three weeks ago, a quartet of fire giants strode through the village, climbed over the ridge west of town, waded across the river, and disappeared into the Surbrin Hills without so much as a sideward glance. The villagers were left untouched, and property damage was minimal. It was clear to the Shield’s residents that the giants had no interest in the village. It merely stood in their path.

They arrive at Lily’s house (Oren’s sister) and let her know Oren is fine. Lily, however, is rather troubled. It seems that after hearing of the fire giants’ “attack” on Mornbryn’s Shield, Zhentarim operatives dispatched mercenaries to the village, offering protection. The mercenaries rode into town on warhorses, acting like shining knights.

The villagers welcomed them at first, but the mercenaries are proving to be more trouble than they’re worth. They seem more interested in finding the lost tomb of Mornbryn than in guarding the village. The mercenary leader, Oboth Thornsteel, has turned the Troll in Flames — the local inn — into his personal headquarters with a number of mercenaries stationed there as guards. Meanwhile, the rest of the mercenaries question the villagers and ‘escort’ some of them to the inn to be questioned by Oboth.

There are about two dozen Zhentarim in town.

Obviously Mike (TCCIAD) immediately wants to start discussing all the different ways how to deal with the problem without understanding all of the problem <sigh>. It was decided to head into town to find out what is what.

Celdar> Do you want to do an investigation check when approaching the town just to see what’s going on, to see if there are any garrisons or anything like that?
DM> <slightly scathing> Investigate the town from afar?
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Yes
DM> Yeah, roll for that shit.

Kraj at this point realises he may have fucked up.

It’s not his fault, he’s new and he fell into the trap of asking the DM for a check on something which in D&D is rather poor form. You are supposed to tell the DM what you want to do; “Can I see any fortifications or anything similar as we approach Mr DM?” then the DM will decide if a check is warranted and what type it is; “Er… make a Perception check Fucknuts” and then elucidate the outcome with prose suitable for the setting and the action; “You can’t see shit, suck it Princess”.

But, investigation checks were what they wanted and investigation checks were what they got.

Celdar> <laughing> I’m going to need a natural 20 for this aren’t I?
Abelas> Can we all have a go?
DM> <still slightly scathing> Yeah, everybody have a go at investigating the town from a distance.

Celdar, naturally, rolls a 1 much to everyone’s amusement. Joffrey rolls a natural 20.

Celdar> Where’d the town go?!
Joffrey> Well I wasted that.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> I don’t even know what we were trying to investigate there.
DM> EXACTLY! You investigated ‘the town’.
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Ok…. Are there patrols going around the town as we approach it?
DM> Yes, kind of, there are riders.

<expletives deleted>

The DM loads up the Mornbryn’s Shield map and places minis, starting with the players and their horses:

DM> Kraj, what colour is your horse?
Kraj> Er…. A black variant of some description.
<The DM grabs a black horse mini and places it on the map>
DM> <somewhat sarcastically> Are you sure you don’t want to go adventuring on a white one?
Adam> I’ve reposted it in discord
<’it’ is the horse colour guide chart>
Kraj> Oooh…. Er…. Go dapple grey!
<The DM takes a deep breath, deletes the black horse and puts a grey horse on the map>
Mike (TCCIAD)> Niiiice!
DM> <expletives deleted>
<The recordings capture everything the DM says whether push to talk is pressed or not so I don’t know if that came out loud>
Kraj> No, fuckit, go leopard!
<laughter>
<The DM renames the dapple grey to ‘Mount of the Cunt’>
Kraj> It should be called Butt Stallion

The DM renames the dapple grey to a variant of Butt Stallion that would not be appropriate to mention in a public forum. It wasn’t that bad and it was very funny but these are the days we live in.

As the group ride into town they are confronted by a group of six hardy looking veteran fighters. At a house nearby they can see another patrol who appear to be questioning the residents of a house.

The head of the group confronting the players offers them a ‘professional invitation’ to go see their boss in the inn, which they accepted.

Fuck Off, You Hobos!

The inn (The Troll in Flames) has been converted into a makeshift barracks. Oboth is sitting at a large table at the far end of the common room with six mercenaries arrayed around the walls nearby. Another six mercenaries are arrayed around other areas of the common room, mainly by the bed rolls and tables. The six mercenaries that ‘invited’ them to the meeting also accompany them inside so that makes the boss plus eighteen fighters.

Then there’s Daphne. Daphne is one of the villagers and as the party enter she is being quizzed about the possible location of Mornbryn’s Tomb by Oboth who is making notes in a large leather-bound notebook. Oboth sees them enter and waves Daphne off to one side and beckons the party over.

Oboth> My name is Oboth. We are currently in charge of this town. What brings you to Mornbryn’s Shield?
Regulus (TCCIAD)> We were simply passing through in order to check on a local inhabitant because of all the troubles that are happening.
Oboth> Interesting word ‘trouble’. You look like trouble ‘makers’ to me…
<Let’s face it, he isn’t wrong is he?>
Oboth> You should seek shelter elsewhere, you are not welcome here. Should you choose to challenge my authority, I will see you to some quiet accommodations in the local graveyard. Now, be on your way!
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Are you aware of the dangers to the North of the giants attacking?
<He is, but that’s for another session>
Oboth> I don’t care. Leave town.

So that’s fairly straight forward then, it’s a simple choice of try and kill them all here now or do it separately later. Er.. actually, with this lot both the DM and Old Gnawbone wouldn’t be entirely surprised if they did just leave town<Shots fired!>

Regulus (TCCIAD)> Ok guys…
Abelas> What do you reckon our odds are? I’m feeling like they are low…

Joffrey> I’d say 50-50… we either die or we don’t.
<laughter>
Celdar> We do have two health potions each right?

There was a lengthy discussion on what to do. Highlights:

– Abelas bigging up Storm Sphere again. That shit better be spectacular when it finally goes off.

– Abelas wanting to leave to stash the horses before they get into a fight. The implication being that he clearly cares far more for Binky than any of the group (do we blame him?).

– The fact that Regulus (TCCIAD) is still melee spec and this may be the only opportunity for him to ever be in melee range of an enemy.

– Joffrey wants to polymorph the boss. The DM, who is a dick, says he will allow Joffrey to polymorph the boss into a T-Rex just this once. Joffrey then lays an an amazingly elaborate plan that everyone else points out is actually pointless and gets them no advantage at all.

– It was noted that the veterans are equipped with longswords, shortswords and heavy crossbows.

– The veterans can get two longsword and one shortsword attack per turn which would give the DM around 54 attacks on the party in the first round “Let’s rock fuckers!”

– Joffrey wants to polymorph someone into a giant ape.

– Regulus (TCCIAD) then wants to use <sigh> ‘gorilla’ tactics.

They decided, sensibly, to attack the bad guys in smaller groups and thus vacated the inn managing to get Daphne out with them.

Planning

So everyone is outside again and at the south end of town where they first arrived. One group of six mercs is at a nearby house, another group is by a house at the far end of town.

As before in these situations we are going to first examine what the DM thinks is the blindingly obvious choice of how to proceed:

– Have all but one person hide nearby.

– Have a ~~sucker~~ volunteer lure one of the groups to the rest.

Now there are a variety of ways they could do the luring. If anyone had decent charisma they could go with the old “I have something to show you, it’s important!” routine and if successful that would get them a surprise round on the ambush. If it failed the ~~sucker~~ volunteer would arguably be a tad fucked though so maybe a good insult is the better choice to get them to chase you.

So what did the party plan?

– Regulus (TCCIAD) wants to wait until they are asleep and burn down the inn. It is considered a tad drastic and rejected.

– Regulus (TCCIAD) now wants to get the innkeeper to poison them all. However, the innkeeper is not a particularly brave fellow (curse that lack of persuasion skills eh?).

– Abelas wants to cut open the giant constrictor snake to get some venom. Regulus (TCCIAD) correctly points out that constrictor snakes aren’t known for being poisonous but is more than willing to test that theory on Joffrey.

– Abelas wants someone to sneak in and apply the poison. Celdar volunteers to use his new magic kukri to teleport inside the wine cellar. The DM was really looking forward to seeing how that turned out… especially as the inn does not have a wine cellar and no one bothered to ask.

– Adam wins the ‘Cheese of the Week’ trophy for suggesting that Celdar hands him the kukris, then he polymorphs Celdar into a giant ape and hands them back. I’m not even going to start on how many rules that particular bit of gorgonfuckingzola breaks <sigh>.

Abelas> <slightly hysterical> What the fuck is wrong with you?
Regulus (TCCIAD)> <contemptuously> Yes, because a giant ape really encapsulates the ‘stealth’ approach.

– Daphne suggests they pick off the two roving groups separately and then challenge the remainder to a showdown at high noon like real heroes would do. Regulus (TCCIAD) accuses Daphne of having the tactical acumen of a gimpy wizard.

– The gimpy wizard goes on for some time about just how offended he is by that comparison and then has a minor meltdown resulting in the suggestion of “Let’s just fucking charge!”.

– Everyone had a good laugh at Abelas’s regression to full Kroq mode.

DM> <trying to get this shit back somewhere in the vicinity of on track> Daphne offers to help you out and is willing to try and lure one of the groups to you. Or one of you could save her from danger and offer to do it instead.
Abelas> I could try and lure them, I walk quickly!
Joffrey> <ever so slightly obsessed> Do you want to be a giant ape?
Regulus (TCCIAD)> They like meat so I can summon a giant elk again. It worked well last time!
DM> <laughing> Don’t! My blood pressure is going up just thinking about last time…
<laughter>
DM> You can summon TWO things, there are TWO giants…
<more laughter>
DM> You only summoned ONE! Why? WHYYYY?
<This whole laughter tirade went on for a while>

Eventually:

Regulus (TCCIAD)> Right, who is the most alluring?
Joffrey> <still obsessed> I can turn any of you into a giant ape, just saying!
<It takes a moment for the juxtaposition of ‘alluring’ and ‘giant ape’ to sink in>
<Slightly hysterical laughter>
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Well, it would certainly get their attention!
Celdar> Right, what’s the movement speed of a giant ape?
<shocked silence>
<more silence>
DM> Why are you even considering…?
<full-on hysterical laughter>
DM> <barely able to speak> Don’t.. don’t… <deep breath> DO NOT… ENCOURAGE HIM!
Abelas> <laughing> Just assume whatever he says is complete insanity!
DM> In this campaign you can actually go to Womford! If you start listening to Adam’s plans, that is where you will end up.
Adam> To be fair my plans always get us where we need to go eventually! And quicker than sitting around planning!

He actually has a point there…. But so did Thanos, Magneto and, arguably, Bane so…. no.

The DM, valiantly attempting once more to get this highly entertaining but very slow moving shit show back on track, points out that there is a small gulley about 150ft away that is ideal for an ambush. Abelas is volunteered as he runs really fast.

DM> So all you have to do is be faster than them and can you do something or say something sufficiently provocative that will get them to chase you? That is all we are going to worry about right now.
Joffrey> I have an idea that could sufficiently entice them!
DM> <plaintively> Oh Jesus…
<laughter>
DM> Is it a goblin stripper?
Regulus (TCCIAD)> Is it ‘hit them with your sling’?
Abelas> Let’s all just go to the gulley, wait for the ambush and let Adam do whatever the fuck he wants to to do!
Joffrey> Well… it does require a volunteer…
<worried laughter>
Abelas> You know what, just because it entertains me, go on then, what do you want to do?
Joffrey> Right, you need to mount me…
<everyone loses it>
Joffrey> I’ll be a warhorse, we’ll ride into town, you’ll ask them where you can spend the 600-700 gold you have in this bag and then when they go “We really want that gold” we can ride to the gulley!
DM thinking> That’s actually quite workable… lacks flair though… <has an idea>
DM saying> I’m really going to regret this but.. Adam…
Adam> Yes?
DM> You have seen Fandango…
<gasps>
DM> You can transform into a black horse with a fiery mane.
Adam> YES!
Abelas> <laughing so hard he can barely speak> I so want to do it!

This, sadly, was not the end of the discussion but this write up is already pushing 7,000 words and there’s only so much of this I’m willing to commit to text. Suffice to say that having developed one of the most magnificent workable Adam plans ever, they talked themselves out of it <sigh>

Over 25 minutes of planning resulted in Joffrey going into giant owl form and flying high above the town (“because I want to see him die”) while Abelas approaches the first group of hardy mercenaries on foot and delivers the epitome of verbal tauntage that will convince them to pursue him to their graves:

“I bet you guys are so shit you couldn’t catch me!”

<silence>
<a really embarrassing silence>
DM> <tiredly> That was the best insult you could come up with?
<laughter>
Abelas> I.. I.. I can’t think on the go all right?!

The DM had a bit of a think about the nature of Abelas’s magnificently crafted insult and decided he could make a Persuasion check, an Intimidation check and a Performance check. Abelas rolled a 19 on the Persuasion, good enough.

DM> All 6 level their crossbows at you and fire.
Abelas> Yay!
DM> And we’ll come back to that next week.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will Adam continue to be obsessed with big monkeys?
– Will Abelas survive the crossbow volley?
– Will the mercenaries require counselling to recover from Abelas’s biting abuse?
– Will they summon up the nerve to go and see Old Gnawbone’s magnificent balls.
– What horrific den of pedo-priest evilness awaits them at Shadowtop Cathedral?!

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

The DM drags up the film Valley of the Gwangi; cowboys vs dinosaurs so there is a precedent. He still won’t let Adam polymorph into a T-Rex though. He did promise to give Adam access to a T-Rex polymorph by the end of the campaign.

The epilogue still counts as the campaign though right?