SKT Episode 4: Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead!

Starring:

Matt as Clay the Battlemaster- Romancer
Isaac the Inattentive Cleric – Ranter
Mike as Remulus the Artificer – Not meaning to be offensiver
Jake as Abelas the gimpy Wizard – Non-scriber of scrolls-er
Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – Slasher
Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Destroyer of RPer
Gary as The Disorganised DM – Non-recorder of the second half-er

Author’s note 1: After last week’s epic you will be delighted to know this week will be a much shorter write up. Mainly because the DM boomered the recording but also because they spent 3.5 hours planning a fight that took 3 minutes.

Author’s note 2: I wrote Author’s note 1 right at the start. I mean, I only had 90 minutes of audio from a three-hour session and a chunk of the missing section was in-character exposition that could be dramatically reduced in the review right? Right. However, I forgot what generally happens when Chris and Adam start interacting <sigh>. Consequently, this one turned almost as long as the last one.

Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have arrived in the fortified village of Nightstone only to find its human inhabitants have fled following an aerial attack by giants in a floating castle.

– The village was cleared of scavenging goblins and then attempts by both the Zhentarim and a bunch of mostly-peaceful Orcs to take over the village were foiled.

– Our heroes proceeded to the Dripping Caves to rescue the villagers. They killed the goblins and ogres but Q’Aren was killed by a Black Pudding.

Pre-session Guff

Five minutes into pre-session guff the DM realised he had forgotten to install OBS to record it <sigh> His request that everyone repeat everything they had said in those previous five minutes was met with substantial resistance. Mainly the discussion was about the suddenness of Q’Aren’s demise.

The DM put on the sad depressing music but the group felt that was inappropriate for how they felt about her passing and so thanks to Spotify, further discussions were held while Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead! was playing in the background.

The DM reminded the players he was running the game on a newly rebuilt machine and absolutely nothing could go wrong.

Adam and Jake attempted to explain to Mike why, at the place we work, South Block was not actually south of North Block but east of it. This made perfect sense to someone who got paid far more than we do <sigh>

Chris arrived:

Mike> It turns out Chris, and I don’t mean this to sound offensive…
> everyone waits for Mike to sound offensive
Mike> …but last week you’ve done the most useful thing by not being here.
Chris> <almost but not entirely unenthusiastically> Fantastic..
Mike> You have discovered that you can cast Silence ritually.
Adam> Yeah, you had your best week last week Chris.
Chris> I channelled myself through the DM.
Mike> To be fair, Q’Aren died so everyone had their best week last week.

Chris asked the DM if he could in fact cast Silence ritually, the DM did indeed confirm that it has the ritual tag, Chris asked if he had to have it on his spell list, the DM dismissed such tosh and pointed out that it was on his spell list now. DM cheese is the best cheese!

This is also why the DM prefers to delegate characters/NPCs to the other players, especially after the whole Wanye-killing-Imix thing, but dicking over Isaac is probably too much temptation for the other players. Whereas the DM will dick over everyone equally of course… er… except Adam. Adam gets dicked over far more than anyone else because Adam deserves it. Ok, this has gotten more off track than Adam’s current Hitler-youth lesbian haircut, onwards!

Asshat and Battery

The party are gathered outside of the bat cave which has a convenient 20ft sphere of silence cast over the big gaping hole in the middle of it AND which is circled in bright pink by the DM to indicate where it was. Chris, who wasn’t here last week, was confused:

DM> Silence has been cast and as sound cannot pass through it, you can now operate safely in the cave without getting bit to fuck. Er… that’s a technical zoological term used by bat keepers by the way.
Jake> Silence is all well and good but we’ll have to make sure no one with a light source goes in there.
Chris> So.. just.. er.. someone… what’s in here?
Jake> Bats.
DM> Thousands and thousands of bats.
Chris> Oh, ok.
DM> <pretending to be butthurt> Did you not read the write-up that I literally spent twelve fucking hours making so you would understand what you missed?!
Chris>Yeah, I understood it <obviously he did not> I’m just clarifying if… I thought that was where the Black Pudding was, potentially, that was all.
Jake> The black Pudding is right there…
DM> <pointing at the gigantic Black-Pudding-eating-an-orc- mini> So you missed this here?
Chris> Oh nice, that’s cool, ok, I’m with you.
DM> Attention to detail, and that’s why he isn’t an analyst any more.

Shots fired!

Regulus and Abelas were discussing who should go into the cave to talk to the villagers:

Regulus> We should get Daphne to come in with us because I’m thinking we are quite a peculiar looking group.
Abelas> I feel that I’m the least threatening looking of all of us because I basically look like a sickly elf.
Regulus> And, to be fair, you are the least threatening of all of us.
Abelas> <unintelligible>-bitch!
Regulus> If one these people stumble on you, you could die!
Abelas> I only have two less hit points than Q’Aren had!
<general laughter>
Dead-Q’Aren> You’ve got a lot more than she has now!

Ritualisation

Chris brought up the ritual casting of Silence once again as Isaac didn’t have it prepared. The DM suggested he should roll with it and left a message for future Gary to look it up so I’m looking it up.

Ritual casting takes 10minutes plus the usual spellcasting time and does not cost a spell slot. However, the confusion arises from how ritual casting is applied differently to Wizards and Clerics:

Wizards have a spellbook of all the spells they know of which they memorise/prepare a selection for use. They can ritually cast anything in the spellbook (that has a ritual tag) so any ritual they know, they can cast without preparing it.

Clerics know all of their spells automatically but, like Wizards, can only memorise a selection of them for use. However, the Cleric ritual casting reads as follows: “You can cast a cleric spell as a ritual if that spell has the ritual tag and you have the spell prepared.”

So Clerics are much more limited to what they can ritually cast than Wizards but Wizards have to find all their spells.

On the next episode of ‘Fuck me, D&D is complicated’ we will cover the difference between invisible and hidden, and discuss if invisible creatures provoke attacks of opportunity. My, that sounds like fun!

Be a prick hour

Isaac decided he didn’t want Abelas to go into the dark cave and insisted he cast light on him. Abelas insisted he could see in the dark. Isaac didn’t believe him as “The dark is all encompassing!” and the psycho-bot interjected and asked Abelas if he could have the elf’s magic eyes when he was dead <sigh>

The DM interrupted the ~~argument~~ discussion to provide the above details on Cleric ritual casting but said it was ok because “It’s in the UA! Trust me, I’m a DM!”

He also apologised for not listening to the ~~argument~~ discussion and asked for a recap:

DM> So what were you arguing about.. sorry, what were you ‘discussing’?
Abelas> For some reason Isaac wants to be a prick and cast Light on me.
Isaac> The Light is all-encompassing!
Abelas> I keep telling him I can see in the dark…
Isaac> Lathander doesn’t want you to go into the darkness, it’s dangerous and you’re my friend.
Regulus> And I was procuring your eyes when you die.. you’ve said that now…
Abelas> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, if I die…
<At this point, probably because of years of playing with a DM who is very strict on the exact wording of such things, Abelas hesitates and actually thinks about it>
Abelas> .. no.. if I am absolutely dead and I can’t be brought back, then you can have my eyes.

Meanwhile the DM had been thinking how to diffuse the situation so we could actually get on with it and informed Isaac that he currently had Light cast on his shield and if he cast Light on Abelas, his own Light would go out. This was obviously not going to happen and so the gimpy wizard proceeded into the cave unlit.

But only after Regulus tinkered a lit stone and tried to pass it to Abelas to which the elf plaintively asked “Is this ‘be a prick hour’?!”.

Yes, yes it is.

Karma; she knows what you did and she knows where you are

There are approximately 30 villagers scattered on the ledges above the sunken centre of the cave. There are a mix of races present, some of which have darkvision and some that do not. There are several wounded town guards and an unconscious male human. And a lot of bat shit.

Abelas approached an older looking male dwarf that waved to him. Regulus asked if there were any gingers because he didn’t want to rescue gingers <sigh>

Abelas whispered to the dwarf about the Silence spell and the DM asked him why he was whispering. Jake then suffers a minor meltdown as he starts to object but then remembers, out loud, all the things the DM had just said about the area of silence and explained, in detail, exactly why his brain had failed to process this information. Good times.

So everyone, including the DM had a good laugh at Jake’s expense but Karma, however, is indeed like Drikk Fra-Kar’s first wife (a monk): she can run really, really fast and she will catch up to you:

DM> He introduces himself as Morak, the owner of the Nightstone Inn. He says most of the people here are fine if a little bit malnu… malnooo… malnor… trish… oh for fuck… malnourished! <sigh>
Chris> Malnourished!
Jake> Malnourished!
DM> <because this is not the first campaign that word has been a problem> Why that word?! Why ALWAYS that fucking word?! For fucks sake brain, get in gear!
Mike> Hungry and thirsty!
DM> Thin and dehydrated!

The DM, once his brain did get in gear, explains that there is also a 30-ish-year-old human present, Adam’s new character, a druid called Joffrey Nettlefisted or something.

OH COME ON!

Everyone else can walk with some assistance but this dude is unconscious. So now they have to decide how to get the unconscious Joffrey out if the cave:

Abelas> So they can all leave on their own but I can.. er.. I’ll go and pick up Joffrey.
Adam> What’s your strength?
Abelas> Oh fuck…
<laughter>
Abelas> I’ll try and pick him up, why not? This might be… am I actually going to drop you and kill you?
Regulus> Or you could just come out and ask if anyone has any spare healing spells?
Abelas> Yeah, but I’m proud!
DM> What’s your Strength?
Abelas> Er.. thirteen, it’s not bad.
DM> Not, it’s not bad… it’s not good either. Well what we will do then is you can pick him up, you can bear the weight but it’s dark in there and it’s slippery because everything is covered in bat shit so let’s do an Athletics check..
<laughter>
DM> …to see if you can get him back down that slope.
Regulus> It should be an Acrobatics check…
Abelas> <rolling> No, it shouldn’t! OH COME ON!
<Jake rolled low. Really low>
DM> The two of you tumble down the slope and into the zone of silence and Joffrey you have just failed one death save.
<Amidst more laughter, Adam offers up a short prayer to a heathen deity>
Abelas> <laughing> Am I actually going to get you killed?

The DM is a dick, but he’s not enough of a dick to kill Adam’s new character before he even got to use him. ~~Although it was tempting.~~

Abelas furtively looks around, realises no one saw him, casually picks up the druid and carries him out of the bat cave as if nothing happened:

Regulus> What have you found elf?
Abelas> <dramatically> I have found… this!
Regulus> Is he dead? Can he be dissected?
Abelas> He is not dead yet!
Regulus> Let’s give it a minute…

WELCOME!

Regulus reluctantly casts Cure Wounds on the druid and Joffrey is born! Let’s hope he lives longer than the last one.

Regulus> He is functioning again.
Joffrey> Ugh, what the fuck? Who dropped me in bat shit?
Regulus> That would be…
Abelas> That would be me!
Regulus> .. him!
DM> So there are around thirty villagers streaming out of the bat cave, what are you going to do?
Isaac> <To Joffrey> WELCOME! Lathander will protect you!
Joffrey> Er.. can I cast Shape Water on this pool and clean my clothes with it please?
DM> You can absolutely give it a go <poker face is holding… oh wait, Adam can’t see it anyway>
Joffrey> I’m going to do that.
Regulus> This is the water… <thinks better of the warning>.. Ok!
Abelas> Ok, good!
Joffrey> <Adam realises he just forgot something from last week> Oh, I should have said the bottle of water from my pack…
Abelas> Yes you should!
DM> So this is The Polluted Pool…
<laughter>
DM> The water is polluted with toxic minerals so you have just made yourself quite a bit dirtier. Adam, would you like to explain to the others what Joffrey is wearing?
Joffrey> I was wearing a luminous white cloak because I am part of the church of Selune.
DM> <ever so slightly very sarcastically> Because that’s the perfect thing to go adventuring in.

Adam explains that Joffrey is a bit of a germophobe and doesn’t like getting dirty. Then he does indeed use his own clean water to remove most of the dirt and bat shit.

There I was, a-digging this hole…

A spirited discussion took place on whether or not to go kill the Black Pudding. At this point Chris started drawing on the map because the DM has a new install and all of the TTS permissions he previously disabled were now re-enabled and thus the DM proceeded to re-disable everything with some alacrity because players are twats who have to touch everything.

I love you guys really.

You’re still twats who have to touch everything though.

The DM goes to call up the Nightstone map but has to go via the main SKT table art which shows a Storm Giant beneath a large boat which Chris hasn’t seen before:

Chris> Oh, wow..
Mike> Oh yeah, we came on a boat Chris.
Adam> Then we… travelled in it…
<groans>

<sigh>

The main Nettlestone map loads in:

Chris> Oh, this place looks better than it did the other day.
> confusion as this is the same map
Mike> No… it looks pretty much the same.
Chris> Oh, maybe it was just darker in the room I’m in at the moment.
Adam> A Light Cleric confused by light.
Mike> And yet I suspect even you wouldn’t have gone in to fight a Black Pudding with five hit points.
Chris> No… I do need to kill it though because it is black and black is dark and dark is bad.
<sounds of fake shock and outrage erupt from the other players because the year is 2020 and the world is insane>
Chris> <realising what he said and the times we are living in, starts back-pedalling fast> For the recording, it is because I’m a LIGHT CLERIC! I’m all of sudden seeing the KKK connotations of my class and race…
Adam> Do you want to borrow my white robes?
Chris> NO! Well this is spiralling quickly!

We are now an hour into the session and Christina says hello on Discord. She has been with us for quite a while but couldn’t get a word in through the abuse, blatant racism, constant diatribe, and absolute bollocks.

“Meta-prick!” – Uffo the bard 2018

Back in the village, Morak takes charge of organising care for the wounded and initial rebuilding efforts. In addition, a messenger is dispatched to Lady Nandar’s people in Waterdeep so they can arrange relief efforts and send a new sovereign.

The DM enquired if the party, once rested, wished to go back and kill the ooze and explore the last bit of the Dripping Caves. Mike became obsessed with some special ability he thought he remembered Black Puddings have besides the ‘split when hit with slashing’ thing.

The DM allowed him a nature check to see if he would ‘remember’ it (spoilers; there’s nothing to remember) he rolled high and learned that Black Puddings are exceptionally good at killing low hit-point Half-Orcs.

> Post-publish edit: Mike has ~~complained~~ pointed out that one of the things lost in the missing audio was the discovery that Black Puddings also split when hit by lightning. This level of pedantry is clearly uncalled for because who really cares if the thing splits in two and doubles its damage output in the staggeringly unlikely chance that A) A player is playing an Artificer B) That artificer chooses ranged spec and C) That ranged spec artificer hits the Pudding with a lightning attack, right? Right. Sheesh, some people.

Chris apologised for bringing up the ooze weakness thing but the DM explained why he generally doesn’t give a toss about it: it is really hard to separate what the player knows from what the character knows.

Narrative meta-gaming, where a player exploits previous knowledge about what is about to happen in the story, is bad as it ruins it for the other players but meta-gaming relating to creatures is a much more nuanced issue.

Take werewolves and vampires for example, these don’t exist in our world (or do they?!?!) and yet we know quite a lot about their supposed weaknesses because we tell tales about them. In a society without TV or Hollywood, tales are the main form of entertainment and so the characters could have picked up all sorts of information about all sorts of creatures.

As long as you aren’t looking up, purely for example, Banshees in the monster manual (Adam) then don’t worry about it too much.

Silence is not golden

The DM asks the party two questions:

– Will you help with the repairs?

– Will you return the stuff you looted from these people’s homes?

On the repairs, Regulus was enthusiastic and they agreed stay on in the village and help out for a couple of days while Morak gives them free room and board at the Nightstone Inn.

As for the loot, Regulus and Abelas immediately agreed to return the items they ‘acquired’. Isaac, Elvira and Clay said nothing.

Adam, who would have returned the loot over Q’Aren’s dead body (if one was left), suddenly decides Joffrey is offended by the idea that this party loots stuff and looting is an offence to Selune.

The DM looks forward to all the occurrences in the future of this campaign where Adam has to override all his natural D&D instincts to do whatever is best for Adam at the expense of anyone or anything else (Womford anyone?) because Selune thinks it is bad.

I would remind you, dear reader, that in this game the deities are real, their powers are real, their ability to withhold spells from wayward magic casters is very real and they are played by the DM. Happy times ahead!

Several items were returned to Morak who, as a former adventurer, fully understood the looting of a seemingly abandoned village. The act of compassion cost the party about 120 gold in returned trinkets and raised the standing of the party in the village.

And this is why we can’t have nice things RP

DM> Having returned the items via Morak, your standing in the village is now quite high.
Abelas> I bet our standing is even higher now that Q’Aren is dead!
<laughter>
DM> That evening as you are eating a good, hot meal, Morak approaches with an old cask telling you that ‘This is the good stuff’ and invites you to get drunk and tell him what you remember about Q’Aren who died saving the villagers.
Regulus> Who?
<laughter>
Isaac> I just sit there quietly playing with my holy symbol occasionally lighting it up and don’t really talk about it.
Joffrey> What’s your holy symbol, a spliff?
Isaac> It’s about the size of a half-pint glass and the base of it is made out of metal which has several sort of inlays and then the top half of it is made of a transparent material with several tiny bits of metal inside of it that zig-zag in the middle and then poke down at either sides. Whenever I hold it up, it lights up.
Regulus> Isn’t it a chalice?
Isaac> It can be whatever I want it to be.
Regulus> Fair enough… I thought Lathander was a chalice.
DM> <sigh> Sounds like a light bulb to me.
Regulus> Yes, nice!
Isaac> That’s exactly what it is, thanks Gary. That went over everyone’s head except the DM’s!
Joffrey> I stopped listening about halfway through because I didn’t need all this.
Isaac> That’s because you gave <unintelligible> you petulant little cunt!
<laughter>
<Also, first c-bomb of the campaign?? I think so! And it wasn’t Jake!>
Abelas> Oh! Language!
Isaac> I thought, you know, maybe drop a little bit of RP, maybe make a little bit of an effort but no, channelling Ari, Q’Aren and every other cockwomble you’ve played..
Abelas> You’re wasted here!
DM> <sigh> Joffrey, would you like to share anything about yourself with your new companions?
Isaac> I hope you… choke on a bone you prick…
<more laughter>
Jofrrey> Why do you guys bring this dick along with you?
<Jake sounds like he is struggling to breath at this point>
Isaac> Honestly, you spoil everything… Literally everything…
Regulus> <laughing> Isaac was a little less sweary last week if I remember..
Isaac> You literally are the worst person I have ever met.
<more laughter>
Isaac> Honest to god.. I literally had like a ten-second bit of RP. “I stopped listening”?! I hope you trip over your cat and stub your toe on something!
DM> Its penis?
<there’s a reason the DM said this, it isn’t going in print but Adam and cat penises is a thing>
Isaac> Yeah, I hope you kick it in the dick and have to massage it because you’re good at that!
<laughter that is now verging on hysterical>
DM> I have to type this shit up!
Isaac> I spent a good half-hour thinking up a really clever little holy symbol, it’ll be a light bulb, hold it over my head, Lathander will make it light up, that’ll be nice, “I stopped listening halfway through”, oh god, you know what? If you ever start choking to death, I’m going to stop resuscitating you half way through and just let nature take its course and do us all a favour!
<by now the laughter is very much on the hysterical side>
A few seconds pass while everyone tries to get their shit together.
DM> <still struggling> Joffrey… Joffrey, was there anything <starts loses it again> … anything you wanted to share with the… rest of the… party?
<the DM dissolves into a fit>
Joffrey> Not now!
<everyone loses it again>

Pronunciation

The party are discussing going back after the Pudding when Chris asks:

Isaac> Gary, before we go, obviously I missed some bits, is there anywhere like a religious temple or place here for prayer or stuff?
DM> Yes, there’s a church to… hold on one second caller… <starts looking it up>
Regulus> That was Meilikki wasn’t it?
DM> Good memory except it was Mellikkikkiki which is, of course, the proper pronouncement.
> great grammar there from the DM!
DM> Er… number five. Temple: wooden temple is… ah, shit. <sigh> This wooden temple is dedicated to Lathander and Mellikkikkiki.
Isaac> Fuckin A! That’s a good bit of luck. Right.. er.. I’d like to…
Regulus> Retire?
Isaac> <laughing> No, I’d like to.. that’s amazing, I’d like to spend the morning encouraging all the villagers to come to the temple so I can hold a sermon on the benefits of worshipping Lathander!

Persuasion rolls were made, and given that Isaac was one of the group that rescued the village, and that the gods are very real in this setting, the villagers agreed and crowded into the church for the sermon. Joffrey went along as he is ‘tolerant of other religions’ and Regulus went along to randomly fix things in the church during the sermon.

Ding, ding!

Once again, planning resumed for the return to the Pudding (this is actually the fourth time) and then the DM remembered a minor issue he had overlooked and announced everyone had gained a level. Welcome to level 4!

Clay decides to go around the village trying to chat up women due to his randomly-rolled character trait of perpetuating the clan or something <sigh>.

At this point the second minor item the disorganised DM had forgotten was remembered and Morak had the key to the Lionshield Coster vault and sold them items up to 75g in value.

Adam was deeply disappointed when the DM informed him he was penniless because he was caught by goblins.

The DM explained how, going forwards, we would be breaking expenses down into those ‘of consequence’ and those ‘not of consequence’. We aren’t going to bother with a handful of silver pieces for staying at an inn, for example, but if you want to stay at a posh boarding house for 5gp a night, then that we will deduct it.

Shopping commenced:

– Clay suggested buying a bucket to put Q’Aren’s remains in <sigh>.
– Abelas scribed his Comprehend Languages scroll until the DM asked if he had the 50g it takes. He did not.
– Regulus finally got some heavy armour.

A Polite Ideological Disagreement

And then we went off to fight the Pudding but there was a minor religious war on the way <sigh>.

Isaac> I bid my congregation farewell.
Joffrey> Joffrey was asleep at the back.
Isaac> <singing> That’s coz he’s a diiiick!
Joffrey> I fell asleep half way through…
> shots fired
Isaac> What’s your god? Your fake prophet? Your false idol?
> shots returned!
Joffrey> <shocked> Selune!
Regulus> Selune?! That’s the opposite to.. so you’ve got the dawn… and the dusk
> The DM dies a little inside on realising this. It’s going to be a long campaign
Isaac> Seloone? How do you spell that? Is it like a place you get drunk and piss on the floor?
Joffrey> No, Sel-une you illiterate… hang on.. what’s your intelligence?
Isaac> Seven? Five? More than you can count.
Joffrey> Actually, I think I can count higher than you because your intel… . intely? .. int… is… er.. lower than mine..
> ’Malnourished’ motherfucker! Welcome to the club!
Isaac> Wow! “Your intel is low!”
Joffrey> <laughing> I didn’t say mine was high! But it’s definitely higher than yours!
Isaac> Selune… yep, she looks like a bitch. Lady of Silver?
Joffrey> Yeah?
Isaac> Chaotic good.. what a fucking surprise. Moon Maiden… sounds like a cow.. and the Night White Lady… yeah, sounds shit mate..
> This went on for some time

It turns out that the lowest rank in the church of Selune (like Joffrey) is ‘Touched’, which set off a whole stream of touching priests jokes <sigh>.

Longest Fight Ever Shortest Fight Ever (longest planning session ever)

The pudding is in a stalagmite inside a small cave with three passageways leading to it. The main problem here is the very limited room which would put most of the players within melee distance of the stalagmite, and the Pudding has full cover while it is in there.

The planning for this took forever. Now, to be fair to the players, last week they saw one of their companions one-shotted by this thing. However, it really isn’t that dangerous.

Last week the DM pointed out that according to Kobold Fight Club (Yip yip!) a Black Pudding vs five level 3 adventurers is a Medium difficulty fight. Now they have six level 4 adventurers and that doesn’t even register as an Easy fight. In fact, the DM had to add a second Black Pudding to the fight to get it to Medium so this was all a bit OTT but they seemed to be enjoying arguing having tactical discussions.

Plan 1 – by Clay:

Clay casts Pass Without a Trace and the players sneak past the stalagmite to position themselves in the three tunnels. Provoke it (somehow) and attack.

Plan 2 – By Regulus

Regulus and Abelas prep Magic Missile and a ~~sucker~~ brave volunteer provokes the Pudding to attack from its lair. Clay was nominated. The DM wondered what their plan was after the two Magic Missiles hit for at best, a quarter of its hit points while the brave volunteer has lost most of his.

Plan 3 – By Isaac

Clay casts Pass Without a Trace and the players sneak past to investigate the unexplored area and then leave the Pudding alone. Joffrey attempted to modify this plan by having him set fire to the stalagmite to drive the Pudding out. It was gently pointed out that this was in fact, the polar opposite of what Plan 3 set out to do.

At this point the DM seeks to add some sort of structure to the discussion at least and positions the minis adjacent to the 5ft wide passageway leading into the Pudding cave:

DM> You are approaching from this direction and I need a marching order. Who is at the front?
> silence
> more silence
> sudden laughter
DM> <sigh> The sound of tumbleweed…

The DM explained that we were going to line up, roll initiative, and the Pudding would not act on the first turn as it wasn’t actually aware that they were there. The DM also, just to be a dick, dropped the possibility that the Pudding wasn’t actually in there any more and all this bollocks was pointless.

Regulus pondered once more on the thing he had forgotten about Puddings and the DM got busy duplicating about 8 Pudding clones purely as a wind-up.

Now that we had initiative (and Regulus had attempted to cheese it and Abelas was Lastbelas again) the players had a better idea of what the difficulties were. The difficulties were more difficult than they had anticipated. As this became more apparent, we had Plan 4:

Plan 4 – By Joffrey

Joffrey> Just drop a Shatter on the block in the middle
Regulus> That would actually work.
Abelas> That isn’t a bad shout. I don’t know what would happen but we’d probably piss it off. I could Shatter and then Misty Step out.

This plan did involve everyone moving into the side passages and then shattering it out. This proved to be complicated and we then had Plan 5, a variation on Plan 1:

Plan 5 – By Clay

They all move past the stalagmite making a lot of noise and head into the new area hoping it would come out and follow.

This would actually happen and is in fact what is supposed to happen if the players are unaware of the Pudding. As this was supposed to happen, obviously it did not happen <sigh>

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena, once said: “As adventurers you have two reliable and trusted staples of violence that are easy to utilise and have been proven to fuck things up 99% of the time: brute force and fire. Generally speaking you should just try Plan A: stab the fucker with something pointy. If it proves to be resistant to pointy things go to Plan B: try setting the fucker on fire. If it looks really fucking dangerous Plan C involves setting it on fire first and then stabbing it with pointy things. If it was already on fire when you met it then you are probably fucked and might want to rethink your strategy. Running the fuck away is always a good Plan D.”

At this point the DM boomered the recording so any further plans, and there were several further plans, are now sadly lost so we will skip to the Final Plan!

Final Plan:

They relocated to the main cave and then Lastbelas cast his ‘move-the-gimpy-wizard-a-bit-faster’ Bladesinger ability and used Mage Hand to empty an oil flask into the stalagmite. This was then ignited with a Firebolt and Lastbelas legged it back to the main cave.

Thankfully for Lastbelas the Black Pudding is even slower than he is with only a 20ft movement speed and it dashed out of the cave after him. It made it halfway down the 5ft wide passageway.

From there it was subject to a barrage of ranged attacks and Elvira hit it with an Entangling Arrow; 2d6 piercing damage and it is entangled. When it moves it takes damage or it can waste an action removing the brambles. Unfortunately, the brambles do slashing damage and this caused the Pudding to split when it next moved.

The main event in this fight was Joffrey using his first ever Wild Shape and turned into a Dire Wolf. This was really cool! Well it was up until the DM put the mini on the table and Joffrey realised he had just turned into a large creature and couldn’t fit down the passageway lolz.

The two puddings were dispatched in about a tenth of the time it took to actually plan the fight and the adventurers retired back to the village.

A-questing we shall go

Morak had a task for the party: the villager in the Dripping Caves that had been fed to Pho’Hark’s giant rats was Darthag Ulgar the owner of the Lionshield Coster and Morak’s friend. Morak requested the party bring news of Darthag’s passing to his widow Aleastra Ulgar who runs the Lionshield Coster in Triboar.

When the party agreed to do this, Morak gave them two magical items from his adventuring days as payment. Some of the party (you know who you are!) bitched about not being given these rewards for saving the town so they were handed to more grateful members of the team.

Look, the town is not Morak’s, it belongs to a bunch of rich twats in Waterdeep. Morak just wants a job done and is willing to pay for it. If you want a reward for saving the town, go see the owners in Waterdeep. Good luck convincing them that they owe you anything though.

Joffrey got an Alchemy Jug and Isaac got an Amulet of the Drunkard which heals when you drink alcohol (once per day).

Statuesque

As they leave the inn on the second day Morak informs them that there is something outside he wants them to see. It appears that the miller’s daughter, Hildy Delfryndel, is a budding sorceress who is adept at shaping stone.

In the middle of the town square, where once stood the obsidian Nightstone, is now a large carving. The stone seems to have been formed of the rocks dropped by the cloud giants, magically moulded together to form a 4ft square plinth upon which stands a life-sized statue of Q’Aren.

She is holding a greatsword aloft with one hand while she strangles a goblin with the other and she is screaming in victory. A discarded shield lies at her feet.

The inscription on the front of the plinth reads:

Q’Aren – Hero of Nightstone

She died as she lived – screaming

On the left side of the plinth is carved:

She was the loudest of us

On the right side of the plinth is carved:

Her brave companions will always remember her last words to them: “Come my robot friend! Turn on vibrate mode!”

On the back of the plinth are carved several line of verse:

Through early morning mists I see

A horde of orcs, charging at me

Their manager, I’ll go and see

And scream at him until he pees

The party made some touching farewell comments to their fallen comrade such as “I don’t care” and “Yeah, whatever” so let us all take a brief moment to remember Q’Aren and all the joy and pain she brought to our lives for the brief time she was with us.

Ok, moment over, off to Triboar.

Cardio

A couple of days later the party spot an enormous tower floating on a billowy cloud a thousand feet overhead. The tower appears to be hundreds of feet tall, and its spire looks strangely like a wizard’s pointy hat.

The tower drifted closer to the party and a spiral staircase made of clouds formed underneath it.

The players were asked if they wanted to investigate and they did so enthusiastically. Their characters may not have been quite so enthusiastic when they got to the top of the 1,000ft staircase.

The cloud at the top of the stairs is as firm and safe as solid ground and the group tentatively entered the ground floor. The main area is a 100ft high hexagonal chamber with a giant-sized table and chair and a number of braziers lit with Continual Flame spells.

There is a 20ft wide hole in the ceiling through which descends a cloud giant named Zephyros:

The Important Stuff

Zephyros introduces himself and asks the players’ names. As they respond he starts smiling and explains that he has been looking for them.

He explains that giant society is caste based and the castes are ranked by the ordning, a system imposed upon them by their gods, especially Annam the All-Father. Traditionally the ordning ranks the giants as follows:

Storm Giants – powerful and wise, generally good and bad
Cloud Giants – aloof and aristocratic, generally good and bad
Fire Giants – tyrannical and warmongering, generally bad
Frost Giants – merciless and predatory, generally bad
Cave Giants – xenophobic and reclusive, generally neutral
Hill Giants – gluttonous and chaotic, generally just stupid

Unfortunately, for reasons unknown, the ordning has been broken and each of the giant tribes is trying to gain the favour of their gods and earn a higher place in the next ordning. For some this means finding relics of the lost giant empire, over which many of the current humanoid settlements are built. For other giant races, raiding and conquest will be how they try and earn prestige with their gods. Small folk are just in the way.

Zephyros has been using the Contact Other Planes spell to find out why the ordning was broken and what to do about it. Unfortunately, this spell is quite difficult to cast and if you get it wrong you go insane for a day; you can’t take actions, speak or understand what is spoken.

Repeated uses of this spell have taken a bit of a toll on Zephyros but he has learned that he must not interfere and that the party will be instrumental in fixing the ordning and stopping the giants from rampaging across The North. Zephyros has no idea how they will do this or where to start but he offers to give them a ride to Triboar before he goes off to the Moonshae Isles for a nice holiday until all this fuss is over with.

“Anyway.. the erm… yes, the ‘demigods’ tell me that you are going to be instrumental in restoring the ordning and bringing peace to the realm, especially the one called… er… erm.. oh yes, yes Q’Aren.. who shall reunite the orc hordes in a ‘peaceful consumer-rights driven empire’ that will… er.. erm.. what was it? Oh yes yes, bring peace and prosperity to the entire continent.. um… Where is Q’Aren by the way?“

Triggered

Zephyros requested the party keep to the ground floor of the tower, not difficult as I don’t think they have any way to get up to the next floor, and to try and avoid the four griffons he keeps as pets up in the aerie.

The trip to Triboar was set to take 3-4 days and the DM asked the group if there was anything they wanted to do in the downtime. The main activity of choice seemed to be bickering <sigh>

On the second day the characters were outside the tower watching the world go by when they spotted nine very thin and lightly armoured humans riding giant vultures approaching the tower. They landed on the cloud and dismounted.

*DM note: I had originally spread the players out at random but then swapped over some to get Clay and Regulus in the doorway should they want to block the newcomers from gaining entrance to the tower. This also accidentally placed a couple of players a bit too far out on the right side of the tower so the DM decided on a whim to land the vultures on the left side. The effect of this was that Jake/Abelas was the closest player to them when they dismounted.

The lead rider calls out to Abelas in a particularly haughty manner:

“You there! Peasant!

Kindly inform your master that representatives from his eminence Yan-Ci-Bin, Prince of Elemental Air, and of his holy prophet Aeresi, last of the wing-ed elves and bearer of the thrice-blessed holy spear Windvane, are here to discuss a mutually beneficial alliance with him…. Why are you just staring at me slack jawed?”

*he turns to his companion*

“Ugh, my dear I fear the owner of this tower is running an asylum for mental deficients. Mayhap, we should just enter the tower and attempt to contact the owner without dealing with these… imbeciles.”

Jakebelas responded with an insult and a threat to which the lead rider took great offence and the resulting duel will take place next week.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will Jakebelas survive his encounter with the air cult?

– How will Zephyros react to Jakebelas starting a brawl in his tower?

– What is the terminal velocity of an adventurer falling off a 1,000ft high cloud?

– How will the war between Selune and Lethander progress?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff –

I remembered Uffo calling someone (Darin?) a meta gaming prick or similar in Princes of the Apocalypse and wanted to know the year for a paragraph title. I have the entirety of those write-ups in one document so I conducted a search for the word ‘prick’ through that campaign. I thought you’d like to see the 10 results:

1. Uffo> You prick!
2. Uffo> If you leave now I won’t be wearing your skin as a jacket afterwards you little prick!
3. Fiki> What a prick!
4. Fiki> I want to squeeze it out as I get kicked, prick!
5. Uffo> I cutting words it: “Fuck off you monkey prick!”
6. Uffo> Fuck up those apey pricks!
7. Fiki> Shut the fuck up you lizard prick!
8. Uffo> Downsey! Downsey lizard prick!
9. Uffo> I’m saying it’s a pretty cool name for a node you fucking social justice prick, shut up!
10. Uffo> It was still my go so you can get fucked you pasta eating prick!

So a few things I noticed:

A. I didn’t actually find the meta-prick quote but we didn’t record the first few sessions
B. There’s way fewer incidents of it than I expected in 43 sessions
C. This made me miss Uffo, strangely
D. Wtf was happening with number 4?!