As the six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said:
On Bears:
“Generally speaking, you should always respect nature. When nature weighs eight hundred pounds, has long claws, large teeth and a really bad attitude, you should respect it by leaving it the fuck alone. When nature can run faster than you can, staying the fuck away from it isn’t a bad idea either.”
On Necromancers:
“Necromancers are dicks! Sure, first it’s all ‘I just want to retire to a cave in the country and raise a family!’ but then when you get called in to sort out the smell, they don’t just kill you, they make you perform like a trained monkey!”
On Bards:
“Fucking Bards!”
On dress-wearing, finger-wiggling cloth-armoured squishies:
“Look meatheads, it aint difficult; look after the squishies and the squishies will look after you.”
On flying:
“All that flying around is great fun, but just remember; if it all goes wrong gravity is like my second wife; a cold-hearted, merciless bitch”
On Ogres:
“People tend to underestimate trees. Right up until they get hit in the face by one.”
On bad dice days:
“There are some days when you just can’t hit shit. Don’t fight it, just stand in a corner, choose the Dodge action each turn and shout helpful advice to your comrades. Or abuse. Abuse works too.”
On Shapeshifters:
“Shapeshifters are dicks. If you can’t afford a magic weapon, get a normal one silvered. It really comes in handy for stabbing werewolves. If there aren’t any werewolves, you can always use it as a shaving mirror.”
On Gargoyles:
“Look, it’s either a statue of a Gargoyle or it’s an actual Gargoyle. Just shoot the fucker with an arrow and find out. Find out from a long way off.”
On Battle Royales:
“Time for a real fight! Pucker up Buttercup! HERE COMES THE BUTTHURT!”
On difficult decisions:
“Use fucking Augury you twats!”
On splitting the party:
“Wait, what?! They split the party?! Really? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
On targeting priorities:
“Look meatheads, it aint difficult; if it’s wearing a dress and waggling its fingers at you, FUCK IT THE FUCK UP FUCKING FAST!”
On why you shouldn’t wink at dragons:
“Aye, I knew a bloke who got raped by a dragon once. Surprised he had it in him.”
On Adam’s summer-time dress sense:
“Socks and sandals together? Fuck that world, I’ll stay here.”
On choosing fights:
“Avoid combat if you can and only fight when you have to. Unless it deserves it. If it deserves it then by all means fuck it the fuck up with aggressive enthusiasm and a clear conscience!”
On Karma:
“Karma is like my first wife: a mean, grudge-bearing bitch who runs really, really fast and she will catch up to you!”
On Hit Points:
“One hit point: it’s all you ever need!
Although plate armour, a shield, another sixty health and a cleric on standby are nice too.”
On charging dragons when you only have ten hit points left:
“Ballsy.
Really, REALLY fucking stupid, but… ballsy.”
On Hags:
“The best way to deal with an evil bloodsucking devil woman that has a Death Glare is to divorce the bitch.”
On splitting the party (again):
“Did those fuck-numpties just split the party AGAIN?”
On Black Puddings:
“Dark, mysterious, sticky, evil, sucks the life right out of you… it’s my second wife! Run!”
On villain monologues:
“A common beginners mistake is to do too much talking before fighting. If it deserves to be fucked up and you intend to fuck it up, just stab it in the dick and get on with it! It may seem rude but it’s about to be dead so who gives a shit if it gets offended?”
On enemies that explode:
“Exploding enemies are the tits! The first one you kill fucks you up, then you try and stay away from them, then they run at you screaming, then you run away from them screaming and pretty soon everyone is running around screaming while shit starts exploding! What’s not to like about that?!”
On targeting priorities (again):
“It’s called targeting priority people! Now, I know those are two big words and some of you don’t understand so let me make it clearer: fuck up the squishy dangerous fuckers first and not fucking last! Got it?”
On Battle Royale strategies:
“It aint ‘camping’ Sweetheart, it’s ‘aggressively waiting’. Suck it up Princess!”
On Battle Royale strategies (again):
“Never underestimate an invisible flying midget with a magic wand!”
On Battle Royale strategies (once more):
“Aint no friends in the arena Buttercup, just slightly less hostile enemies!”
On Bards (again):
“Never underestimate a mind controlled Hobgoblin Captain under the command of a blood crazed halfling bard in search of cheap booze!”
On Efreeti:
“Efreetis are like my third wife; first they set your world on fire, then they irritate the fuck out of you, and then they run off before you can kill them”
On the trustworthiness of Salamanders:
“Everyone knows Salamanders are total dicks!”
On Stone Golems:
“The trick to dealing with Stone Golems is the tactical use of the trip attack. Pick some poor fucker nearby, trip them up, and then run the fuck out of the room while they are being stomped into meat paste!”
On walking about, alone, in dark places:
“Never wander about alone in an underground mushroom cave! You never know when you’ll get ambushed by a twat with tentacles, grappled, paralyzed, poisoned AND restrained and dragged off into the dark to be eaten from the inside out! Tentacles suck!”
On dealing with Minotaurs:
“Guess what’s worse than an angry nine-foot tall cow with three-foot horns and a greataxe up in your face? One that’s over ten feet away from you because then it’s an angry nine-foot tall cow with three-foot horns and a greataxe that’s about to charge at you! Get in its face and stay there or get out of its face and stay there. You will find similar tactics can also be extremely effective when dealing with angry ex-wives!”
On revenge:
“I like my revenge like I like my women; warm, moist and frenzied!”
On Nycaloths:
“Nycaloths are dicks. Even when you do get close enough to fuck them the fuck up, they don’t have the decency to die properly and just fuck off home for a holiday.”
On killing random people:
“Generally speaking, before you fuck someone the fuck up, you should find out who they are and if they deserve it. Otherwise you’re just another rampaging bandit arsehole.”
On Hydras:
“Hydras always remind me of my third ex-wife, her mother and her sisters: vicious, snarling and biting. Fire is really effective though, just kill the heads using fire. Fire works on the Hydra too. Unless it’s underwater. Then you’re fucked.”
On Earth Elemantals:
“Never underestimate a short, dense, angry ball of fury that can punch holes in rocks and has not one shred of pity or mercy in what passes for it’s cold, cold heart! Earth Elementals? I was talking about my first wife!”
On Evocation Wizards:
“Some men, and my ex-wife, just want to see the whole world burn. So send them in first and they can open proceedings with a Fireball; cheap, effective, spectacular! All the screaming can be quite entertaining as well!”