SKT Episode 27: Fantabulous! – Ten-foot Squares

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Kraj as Celdar the Unnoticed – If you’re doing that, I’m hiding behind a tree somewhere!
Matt as Clay the Sturdy – I‘ve got tremor sense to 30ft if that helps?*
Mike as Regulus the Cheesemonger – Check it for traps first you twat!
Jake as Abelas the Murderer – Don’t take the fucking moral high ground with me you soulless robot!

*Matt, dude, you’ve got to give me more to work with!

With:

Gary as the DM – Panache darlings! It’s not just a brothel in Phlan.

Author’s Note: A rather short session because the DM wanted to get some Talespire testing done.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Kraj joined and once again failed at the basics of getting a microphone to work without spending ten minutes farting about with it. Eventually:

Kraj> How are you feeling?
DM> I’m feeling a bit barfy… I’ve been feeling a bit barfy all day.
Mike> Hi guys!
DM> And suddenly it’s a lot worse!
Mike> Eyyyy! So I was thinking about tonight; Christina’s not here, sad times, but neither is Adam and you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth!
DM> There is a potential we could get through Nesmé and Kryptgarden quite quickly…
Mike> Yeah, because Adam’s not here?
DM> <laughing> Fair. If we do get them done it might be quite a short session so we could load up Talespire and pick minis and just have a mess around.

The ‘events’ of the previous session were discussed, in particular whose fault it was and the DM, Kraj and Mike blamed Adam, Kraj and Mike equally.

During the discussions, Kraj’s choice of a rogue was brought up and Mike asked if the DM helped him choose it. The DM did and explained his reasoning:

DM> My thinking was that it’s not really a combat choice, if he hits in combat he hits hard with the sneak attack and he can stay out of trouble fairly easily but the main theory was that it gives him a pre-defined role out of combat…

Mike> Makes sense…
DM> So even if he is shit in combat he still has the sneaky role outside of it like… er, well Jake is obviously the intimidator…
Mike> <sceptically> Okay…
DM> Joffrey is the er.. <DM brain fart> erm.. er… what’s the word? Starts with an ‘e’?
Jake> The idiot?
DM> No… er.. Empathy! Joffrey is clearly the empath.
Mike> Oh yeah, yeah definitely.
Kraj> <laughing> Sorry! We can’t gloss over “starts with ‘e’” followed by “idiot”!
<laughter>
Jake> I saw an opportunity to mock Adam, I took it, I regret nothing!

Nestle, finally

Despite a heroic effort to save the town, Nesmé fell during the War of the Silver Marches to a horde of orcs aided by an ancient white dragon named Arauthator. It was then conquered by drow until they too were forced to abandon it. Today, Nesmé lies in ruins, and monsters from the Evermoors thwart efforts to rebuild it.
The town stood on the east side of the Surbrin River, enclosed within a circular wall festooned with ballistae and catapults, and connected by a fortified bridge to a formidable castle on the west side of the river. This western bastion enclosed the docks, paddocks, and stock pens, and also gave the townsfolk and the militia a place to fall back to in the event the town was breached. Although the militia put up a good fight against the orcs, the town couldn’t withstand the dragon’s attacks. The castle on the western shore has partially collapsed, the bridge has been destroyed, and the town’s defenses have been torn down. Within the town walls, now breached in several places, are piles of debris that were once shops, taverns, inns, and festhalls. Skulls, bones, rusted armor, and broken weapons are all that remain of those killed by orc axes and the dragon’s icy breath.

The players arrive at the town via an elevated patch of land with several ruined buildings. They are moving relatively stealthily and see about 20 Zhentarim troops and a human in robes mustered at the west end of a large crossroads, clearly waiting for something.

DM> Two fire giants, also with a retinue of around 20 troops, slowly approach from the east side of the crossroads.
Mike> Ooh, good use of the word ‘retinue’, haven’t heard that in a while.
DM> Yeah, it’s like ‘promulgate’, used to hear that all the time in the navy, never in civvy street. Or ‘meelee’, you just don’t hear that…
Jake> Yeah, most people say ‘mel-ee’.
DM> Yeah, most people manage to pronounce it the way it’s spelled…
Kraj> COUGHDICKS!

The Zhentarim do not move so the players quickly assess that the meeting will take place below them. In order to hear it, someone will need to sneak a lot closer to the meeting.

Everyone looks at Kraj.

Matt> Sorry Gary, I’m having a bit of trouble getting into the session.
DM> Er.. hang on…
Mike> Has anyone heard from Matt at all?
DM> <sigh> Not funny…
<everyone starts laughing>
Jake> Actually, that was kind of funny…
DM> Matt, Steam says you’re offline.
Mike> Are you dialling in from your phone Matt? Is that the problem?
Kraj> He isn’t really here, he’s just voices in our heads!
Mike and the DM> Or a podcast!
<laughter>

With Matt actually in the game we all got back to staring at Kraj.

Regulus> Well I’m not sneaking down there because I’m in melee mode.
Abelas> Well I’m not sneaking down there because I can’t.
<Everyone stares at Kraj again>
Celdar> <sigh> I feel like this is a stitch up.
DM> Someone not in plate mail would be a start.
Abelas> And who is not me!
Regulus> And who is expendable!
Abelas> Yes!
Regulus> Although to be fair, you could take the mage with you, I wouldn’t mind if you get found.

Ok, I think I need to go back and revisit “I feel like this is a stitch up”. Celdar has plus fucking eight to his stealth checks and, because he has a Cloak of Elvenkind, makes those checks with advantage AND anyone trying to find him rolls at disadvantage AND he has 6 magic berries that count as Potions of Invisibility AND he can Dimension Door out if he gets in the shit… on, no, wait, he wasted that last week teleporting a frikkin shark to capture a bandit that told them nothing. But still, ‘stich up’ my left butt cheek.

Meaningful Communication

DM> I would remind you that you have the Sending Stones…
<gasps>
DM> …and while someone sneaking that close probably wouldn’t be talking, they should be able to receive if they wrap it in a cloth and strap it to their ear, for example. So it would be one-way communication.
Celdar> <sceptically> Ok… right…
Abelas> But I feel it would be the wrong way…

Celdar somewhat reluctantly agrees to this plan and a handkerchief and a bit of rawhide are applied to attach the sensing stone to his ear.

Other means of assistance were discussed…

Abelas> Bear with me here, I could let you flyyyy!
Celdar> <sceptically> Because that’s going to help?
Regulus> <as if explaining to a 5yr old (or the DM explaining multi-floor buildings to Adam)> Yes, because it keeps you above the groooound!

Ok, that was, remarkably, a rather good plan. No one is going to wander over to take a piss 30ft above the ground for example. If, completely hypothetically, it does all go wrong, the ability to go 60ft straight up when your opponents cannot is quite useful.

Celdar> <sounding rather put upon> Ok, I cast Invisibility and go and hide behind a rock and hope my ‘friends’ don’t shout loudly down the stone.
Regulus> Yeah… not making any promises.
Abelas> Lucky for him he doesn’t have any friends…

The DM is rather hoping they will shout abuse loudly down the stone, which is why he suggested it.

Mike> Sorry Gary, did you say the Zhentarim are standing still or…
DM> <sigh>
Jake> The Zhentarim are standing still, the giants are moving slowly.
DM> <Invoking a lesser known semi-Hispanic heathen deity> Hey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist Mike!
Mike> Yeah, sorry, I was too busy thinking up insults for Jake when you said it.
DM> Oh… that’s ok then.

The bravely reluctant sneaking expert sneaks to the first set of rocks.

Regulus> It’s not the best hiding place I’ve ever seen…
Celdar> <sigh> I’m invisible!
Abelas> Is this actual invisibility or is this ‘stealth invisibility’?
Celdar> <sigh> It’s ‘actual’ invisibility!
DM> Is it one of the berries?
Celdar> No, I actually have Invisibility as an Arcane Trickster.
DM> Right, Celdar turns invisible and attempts to stealth… you still have to hide when invisible… it’s complicated, don’t worry about it, could you make a stealth check with advantage please?
Celdar> Twenty five?
DM> Ok, he disappears, you all estimate he is about half way. Would anyone like to send any ‘helpful’ advice or messages to him?

Gorgonfuckingzola!

The DM knows his players and was expecting a stream of unhelpful suggestions and abuse at this point. There was a snag however.

Regulus <AKA The Fun Police> No… because we only get to send one message a day don’t we?
DM> <sigh> Really? Well… shit. There must be some kind of weird conflux going on because temporarily they work all the time.
<DM cheese is the best cheese!>
Regulus> Ah, I think I tinkered it! I must have tinkered it when I attached it to his ear…
DM> Yah
Regulus> … with a staple.
<laughter>

Yes, the DM actually said ‘yah’ but he was stuffing his face at the time. Still… not good.

Regulus> Alice?
<giggling starts and continues throughout the following>
Regulus> Come in Alice, can you hear us?
Alice> <whispers> Loud and clear!
Abelas> Sorry, can you repeat that, we can’t hear you!
Regulus> Good, good, we can’t see you.. give us a wave, tell us where you are!
DM> You might be invisible but you can absolutely throw things… like rocks.
Alice> I invisibly put up the middle finger in his direction!
DM> Ok, you move into the final position in the ruins next to the Zhentarim. Can you make another stealth check please?
Celdar> Twenty two!
DM> Yeah, you’re a ghost.

Negotiations

Gundahella, the female fire giant, approaches the human wearing robes at the head of the Zhentarim delegation. “So Fylo, what did your master agree?”.

Fylo pledges the assistance of the Zhentarim to keep the Lords’ Alliance and other groups from interfering in the fire giants’ search for the ‘Vonindod’ fragments, on the condition that it is not to be used to attack settlements or parts thereof without the Black Network’s consent. Fylo mentions Moongleam Tower in Everlund as a likely target to illustrate his point.

Gundahella agrees to Fylo’s terms and tells him that someone called Duke Zalto is going to release a Zhentarim prisoner currently being held in Ironslag as a token of good faith.

The players don’t know what Vonidod is, who Duke Zalto is nor where Ironslag is. I’ve coloured that text so it can easily be referred back to in a minute or two.

The fire giant party leaves the area. Fylo has a flying snake wrapped around his forearm. He writes a note and attaches it to the snake and then releases it, it flies off to the west (WEST Mike, WEST!). The Zhentarim start making camp and, entirely coincidentally, they spread out quite a bit.

Regulus and Abelas discuss the merits of kicking off a fight against them. The DM informs them that these look like the rather tougher 35HP thugs and not the 7HP variety.

The DM is Such a Dick

DM> Celdar, what you gonna do?
Celdar> I will go back to the party, relay all that information to them…
DM> Are you going to tell them what was actually said or are you going to make some shit up?
Celdar> <chuckling> I will tell them as accurately as I can remember….
Regulus> So, the Storm Giants have said they are friends with the Harpers…
DM> Hang on, hang on Mike. Kraj, can you please actually tell them what it is you remember from that conversation?
<laughter>
Kraj> Ahhh, shit.

Sometimes, it’s good to be the DM. Ok, now would be a good time to go back and read the coloured text above. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

Done that? Great, let’s see how much of that three whole sentences that Kraj remembered in the two minutes and forty seconds since he heard it:

Kraj> Something about they wanted some help with a killer device, something called Volly…dod, I think it was. Erm… they would like to preserve the mingling tower, wherever that is…
<everyone starts to lose it>
Mike> <scathingly> Yep… the ‘minging’ tower, yep, okay…
Kraj> Something about releasing some dwarf prisoner in some area I’ve never heard of… erm… and Mr Sneaky-Guts over there sent off a parchment on a weird flying snake, off to the west.

Having been a complete dick (because it was funny, which makes it ok) the DM relented and allowed Celdar to relate the information pretty accurately. The DM also pointed out that this was why he was very reluctant to have any of the players join the Zhentarim faction because this event would put that player in a very awkward position.

Somehow we got onto talking about alignment and the DM’s approach to it.

DM> If alignment matters then we will address it at the time because it should reflect your player’s actions and not just be an excuse like “I’m Chaotic Good so I can do what I want but I’m still good!”. No, we’ll have a little discussion about what you’ve done… like, you know, stabbing and killing helpless prisoners. That might effect, I don’t know, if some hypothetical cool elven sword pops up in the game at some point, someone might have just excluded themselves from being able to wield it. Hypothetically.

Mike> I must admit, I was somewhat surprised we just randomly killed the prisoner and it was Jake just doing it and I was like “Okay…?” but anyway, that’s fine, I’m not going to judge him…
<I was apparent that it was not fine and Mike clearly WAS judging Jake for it. That’s okay though, so were the rest of us>
Jake> <engaging justification mode> The prisoner was clearly unresponsive and also sworn to evil!
Mike> But was also tied up!
Jake> So?!

I’m, not going to cover the ensuing debate on the morality of killing people in the mostly lawless Sword Coast but it was heated and funny and entirely pointless as it’s one of those arguments where both sides are right.

Then they discussed attacking the Zhentarim again, massively overthinking it again but eventually…

Regulus> I’m not sure what we stand to gain from it?
Abelas the Magpie> Fylo’s probably got some cool shit!
<He hasn’t>
Abelas> And he might know something…
<The DM felt another bout of nausea coming on>
Regulus> Oh no! We are NOT taking another prisoner!

Then they started talking about killing all the Zhentarim and having Elvira shoot the flying snake out of the air, despite not knowing when it would be back, if it would be back, if any reinforcements would come back with it or if it would have anything worth reading on it if it did come back.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Other than those minor details, solid fucking plan!”

The DM sent a face-palm pic to the D&D WhatsApp. It seemed appropriate.

Regulus> I’m quite happy to.. <starts laughing when he sees the DM’s facepalm>… I’m quite happy to leave them but Jake, if you want to kill them in their sleep?
Abelas> I don’t.. oh fuck off! Don’t take the fucking… fucking moral high ground with me you soulless robot!
<Shocked laughter, the DM loses it completely>

Common sense put in a rare appearance and they quietly left the ruined town and headed to Kryptgarden Forest.

My, What Big Teeth You Have

A small wooded region near Westbridge hides many old dwarven ruins and the extensive underground city known as Southkrypt. For centuries, Kryptgarden Forest has been the home and hunting ground of the ancient female green dragon Claugiyliamatar, better known to many as Old Gnawbone. She earned her nickname from her habit of gnawing on old kills. Other dragons rarely remain in Kryptgarden Forest for long, because Claugiyliamatar drives them out.

The DM loaded up the Kryptgarden Forest map and somehow managed to name all of the player minis ‘Celdar’:

DM> <midway through a hysterical breakdown> Have a look at what just went wrong with the minis!
Abelas> Oh no… OH NO!
Regulus> That’s a bad omen isn’t it? I feel somehow weaker and less intelligent… less wisdrous!
Abelas> I feel like I have less of all stats!
Celdar> <laughing> Except charisma!
Abelas> Yes!

It was then established that while they have the same modifier, Abelas actually has a charisma of 7 while Celdar has a truly impressive 6.

The DM renamed the minis as seemed appropriate:

Sharkfrey the Empath
Elvira the Precise
Clay the Sturdy
Regulus the Cheesemonger
Celdar the Unnoticed
Abelas the Murderer

Abelas> Oh fuck off! <sigh> You kill one prisoner…

As the adventurers (and Jake) progress through the forest they note that the birds suddenly become quite noisy, almost chatty.

Luckily they have a druid with them.

Unluckily it is Joffrey.

Still, he managed to realise that the birds are tracking them and relaying their position to someone… or something!

DM> As you are marching forwards you hear something very large moving through the undergrowth ahead of you and to the right. What would you like to do?
Regulus> Can the druid tell us anything?
DM> His face is currently the colour of his robes and he is shaking slightly.
Celdar> Should I sneak up and see what it is?
Regulus> I don’t think we should be sneaking… Should we just call out “we are seeking an audience with Claugiyliamatar”?
Celdar> If you’re doing that, I’m hiding behind a tree somewhere!
DM> I think that’s an inspiration to Mike for pronouncing that properly!
Abelas> Gary, I’m so ready to Misty Step the fuck out away right now!
<laughter>
DM> It’s funny you could say that…
Clay> I‘ve got tremor sense to 30ft if that helps?
DM> <thinking> No, that doesn’t fucking help, that massively complicates the DM picking on Jake.. I’ll have to cheese it!
DM> <saying> Ah, yeah, the problem is.. the problem is it’s just too damn big and difficult to pinpoint.
Celdar> Or it is flying…
DM> <thinking> Shit, yes Invisibility and flight, that works!
DM> All movement ceases and silence descends upon the forest. Abelas, you suddenly feel warm, moist air on the back of your neck!
Abelas> Oh no! I’ve seen this film!
DM> As you turn, you see above you a gigantic green dragon’s head, probably the size of a London bus. Its mouth is slightly open and hanging from the left side of the mouth is the tenderized corpse of an Uthgardt barbarian. The dragon is just staring at you from a few feet away, just its head sticking out of the bush. What would you like to do?
Abelas> Er.. a little squeak comes out!
DM> Did anything else come out?
Abelas> Not yet! Oh fucking hell, I shouldn’t be this close to this!
DM> I actually planned this last year.
Abelas> I’m just frozen, deer in headlights!
DM> Everyone else, you see Abelas unflinchingly stare down the dragon!
<laughter>
Regulus> Greeting almighty Claugiyliamatar, we seek an audience….
<Mike has to break off as the giggling over Jake’s predicament gets rather loud>
Regulus> We seek an audience with you, we were sent by Chazluath… who is totally not a dragon.
Claugiyliamatar> Call me Gnawbone and Chazlauth isn’t much of a recommendation little one. Very few are foolish enough or brave enough to trespass into my territory, which are you?
Regulus> A little from column A and a little from column B. We do not mean any disrespect. It is simply that you are the mightiest being in this area!
Claugiyliamatar> Flattery will get you… everywhere!
Regulus> We have been pointed in your direction to help fight the giants who are engaged in the Ordning.
Claugiyliamatar> I am aware that the giants have once again become nuisances in this realm and that they are once again meddling in the affairs of you small folk. I detest giants, they taste so… smug. I shall aid you. You must travel north to the Valley of the Khedrun but you will need a guide. Look for a frost giant who wears a helm made from the skull of one of my white brethren. He will help you find an ancient temple called the Eye of the All-Father. There, you will ask your questions and there you will know the truth. Before I leave you, another recently visited for a chat. He was most… accommodating. He also left something for you. Check near the oak tree by the stone circle to the north.

Gnawbone then majestically takes to the air, the Uthgardt corpse dropping from her mouth as she does so, and she flies serenely off. The corpse lands next to Abelas, just missing him.

Abelas> Once that’s all happened I keep standing completely still until a good 20 seconds has gone by…
DM> You all see Abelas continue to stare down the dragon even though it has left.
Abelas> …and then suddenly I swear and Misty Step! Delayed reaction…
<laughter>
Abelas> I am NOT okay!

And Jake and Mike

Regulus> One question! Who was that person that left the… and do we want to make our way over to that standing stone?

Ok, three points:

A) That’s actually two questions, although one was partial.
B) Don’t start making me refer to you as “The adventurers (and Jake and Mike)” <sigh>

Abelas> I think we go there.
Regulus> <timidly> Ok… but… can we try and work out who that might have been? Who have we pissed off? Who could be hunting us down?

Ooh, challenge accepted! The goblins in Nettlestone, the Zhentarim in Nettlestone, the Howling Hatred air cultists on Zephyros’s tower, the shopkeepers in Triboar, the wizard in Triboar, each other in Triboar, the fire giants in Triboar, the orcs in Triboar, the trolls at Calling Horns, the undead and the dwarf at Noanar’s Hold, the murdery brother at Noanar’s Hold, the god of dead pigeons at Noanar’s Hold, the Dandy Highwaymen (three times (or was it four?)), the Uthgardt barbarians, the family whose carriage house you robbed in Silverymoon, the town guard in Yartar after you had the Harpers steal the Giantslayer Axe from them, the fire giants (again) on the Stone Bridge, the hill giants at their stronghold, the vampires near Womford, the hill giants (again) and the goblin tribes and the hobgoblin tribes at Goldenfields, the garrison commander at Goldenfields by making him look incompetent (he is), most of Mornbryn’s Shield for demolishing their church, whichever god that church was devoted to, the rapey satyr at Shadowtop, probably Jenny the dryad at Shadowtop after telling the rapey satyr which herbs he needed to make chloroform and the Zhentarim at Nesme.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Impressive!”

I may have missed some, I did it from memory.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Regulus didn’t want to go get the present <sigh>

Despite Regulus they did indeed discover a Chest of the Fantabulous under the tree.

Abelas the loot ~~whore~~ ninja> I go and open it…
Everyone> AAAAAAAAGGGH! <or similar>
Regulus> Check it for traps first you twat!
DM> <channelling Mr Burns> Eeeexcellent!
Abelas> Oh fuuuuck!
<laughter>
Abelas> I made a mistake!
Regulus> It’s not like you’ve got two people in the party specifically designed for that!
Abelas> I forgot!
DM> The chest is about three feet long by about two feet wide and about three feet deep. It is reasonably ornate, has no visible locking mechanism or clasps. On the top of it is an icon of a flaming stallion and beneath that is an indentation in the wood that is the same size as your Avengers Anonymoose badges.
Regulus> Ahh!
Abelas> I immediately understand!
DM> Abelas, as you place one hand on the chest to steady yourself, if moves slightly. It seems to be remarkably light for its size, magically so.

Presents!

When Abelas inserts his badge, there is a faint click and the lid pops open to reveal a portal of grey nothingness similar that of the Bag of Holding. Upon reaching in Abelas feels something cloth-like. These turn out to be magic cloaks, dark green, the clasps are AA emblems and an outline of the same emblem, but much larger, is stitched into the body of the cloak with fine silver thread.

Once per day, as an action, the user can change the colour and/or pattern of the cloak to whatever they wish. As a bonus action the wearer may billow the cloak. When billowed, the silver stitching glows and changes to show a majestic rearing giant elk which almost seems to move as the cloak billows about.

There is one other item in the chest, a small wooden box with a small purple button mounted in the centre of the lid. Engraved above the lid is the phrase “Panache darlings! It’s not just a brothel in Phlan”. The box seems quite strange and it seems to change size depending on the perspective you look at it from. Sometimes it appears quite small but tilted at the right angle it seems much larger.

Inside the box are several documents:

1) A letter that reads “Darlings, I have been dreadfully busy getting my business back on its feet but I have looked in on you from time to time. You certainly have an unusual way about you but you are proceeding wonderfully darlings so keep up the good work.”

2) A set of instructions for the box which is called the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion:

If you press the button, anything nearby that is compatible with the box will briefly glow purple.

If one of these items is placed in the coffer, it will be transformed into something fantabulous (darlings). If you dislike what the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion turns your item into, simply repeat the process to reverse the effects.

If you place a magic cloak in the coffer it will be transformed into a fantabulous cloak with the party emblem but will also retain the magic properties of the original.

3) A set of instructions for the construction of a war-forged guard dog. The notes recommend consulting with a master smith in Bryn Shander called Igor Flintbrow.

DM> The chest is essentially a Bag of Holding but on a bigger scale. It can only be unlocked by members of your group. It is light enough for you to easily carry it, it has handles on the sides, but it is more designed to be stored somewhere rather than taken with you. It’s like a stash but for the time being you can just carry it. <casually> I mean, if it’s in the way you can just put it in the bag of holding.

The ‘adventurers’ seemed reluctant to do this <sigh>

In the middle of a discussion about building the wagon from the plans Regulus found in Mornbryn’s Shield, Mike suddenly thought about something that the DM had been wondering if anyone would remember:

Regulus> Oh my <invokes heathen deity>! We forgot about the trees!
DM> Yes, yes you did.
<laughter>
Regulus> Right, we didn’t want them anyway, if the druid asks, we had a battle and they died last week!
DM> Adam, welcome back, we made you this commemorative wooden coffee table…
Regulus> The good news is we got you this new staff…

This went on for awhile. Magic cloaks were dished out and put on and billowed for fun.

Mike> Gary, I don’t want to be needy but… is that fantabulous cloak an item on D&D beyond?
DM> No, its.. er its.. um.. It isn’t, its a cosmetic item…
Mike> Nice!
<some laughter as it sinks in to everyone, including the DM what this actually is>
DM> Yeah… right, that’s actually exactly what it is, an MMO type cosmetic item…
Mike> Are you gong to charge us a pound now?
DM> It’s a skin and it’ll be £8.50 each, please, thank you! Also, you are forgetting something!
Abelas> The chest?
DM> No one pressed the button! If you press the button, compatible items will glow purple.

Abelas immediately presses the button. All of the cloaks glow purple, the WoMM glows purple and Solo (Joffrey’s flying cat) glows purple.

The WoMM is placed in the chest and is transformed into a revolver with a gun belt and holster. The gun first appears to be black but it is actually a very dark midnight purple with walnut grips. It has seven chambers in the cylinder and each chamber glows a bright, magical blue. It still functions exactly the same way but now it is simply fantabulous darlings.

There was then some discussion about putting/forcing Solo into the box and probably not telling Adam if it all goes horribly wrong. Whilst the DM heartily approved of the reasoning of the second part of that he was unhappy with the first part while Adam wasn’t here so they didn’t do it.

DM> Be sure to press the button every week to see of things change, because things will change as I think up more shit.

Where next?

The DM states that when they were travelling around the Westbridge area, one of the things they remembered was that Red Larch was renowned for building wagons. Some of the best wagons on the Sword Coast are built in the town.

The nearest quest is at Xantharl’s Keep to capture the Weevil for the rewards and then Bryn Shander, which is waaaaaay up north where the rivers have beaches and they fight up close in ‘meelee’.

After a bit of discussion, they decided to head for Red Larch to get a start on the war wagon which would come in handy. At this point the DM calls for a halt to the proceedings even though it is quite early and we headed into Talespire.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will the war wagon start to take shape in Red Larch?
– What will they name it?
– Will Joffrey put Solo in the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion?
– Will Matt speak?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

Talespire was a shit show because we didn’t know what we were doing but it was also quite a laugh figuring it out. Everyone seemed impressed and it should be fun going forwards… but it’s still going to be a shit show until we get used to it.

Oh and Abelas managed to position his new mini so it’s hand was inserted in Regulus’s lubrication orifice <sigh>

I would also like to state that Jake’s ‘soulless robot’ may end up being one of the quotes of the campaign 🙂