Vaguely Important Stuff –
We return to the main campaign after about a 9-month break due to life picking a fight with the DM and winning handily. At least in the interim we cured Mike of his gnome issues.
In an undead-pirate infested Port Llast we had a drinking contest, a fight and some maths.
That went about as well as you would have expected.
Really Important Stuff –
The DM forgot to start OBS (obviously) but Kraj remembered and saved the day! Yay Kraj!
Mike broke Talespire, Matt broke Tabletop Simulator, Steam broke the TTS lighting mod and then Mike broke Steam. Good work everyone.
We don’t need no stinkin Talespire to nerf Jake so we started the session in the theatre of the mind! That also went about as well as you would have expected.
Abelas got told that to get the Moonblade to work he would have to dedicate himself to a single weapon and thus must un-attune himself from the Staff of Defence which was a bit of a crutch the DM put into the early game to get the distinctly gimpy wizard through the troublesome low levels. It’s not needed now though so the DM cruelly snatches it away.
Adam tuned up late (again) and used a bucket as a microphone (again).
Everybody forgot how to Talespire in the nine months since we last used it. The DM unsuccessfully tried to simultaneously remember how to Talespire whilst telling everyone else how to Talespire. That too went about as well as you would have expected.
Adam then pointed out the instructions on how to Talespire that are now at the bottom of the Talespire screen that every other detective, investigator, forensic analyst and trained military observer completely missed [sigh].
Pirate names and ranks were given to the undead Quartermaster:
- Kraj – Cabin Boy – Squinty
- Clay – Master at Arms – Plank (Bakinna-sek’d out of telling the DM his pirate name so we gave him one)
- Regulus – Quartermaster – Old Iron Leg (and other limbs)
- Elvira – Master Gunner – Le Flèche (that be French, that be!)
- Joffrey – Sailing Master – Snooty McBooty/Bear Comma Cave
- Abelas – Powder Monkey – Abelarrse
The DM fucked up and started the con saves for the drinking contest about 4 points too low but he’d planned on Kraj getting caught watering the drinks fairly early on and that would have ended the contest and started a fight. However, Kraj couldn’t even do that right and proved surprisingly adept at sleight of hand checks (+fucking9!). Fucking Kraj [sigh].
Plank (Genasi, earth), Abelarrse (Wizard, gimpy) and Old Iron Leg (metal, cheese) faced off against Big Billy Fish (Orc, large), Wavey Davey (goblin, drunk) and ‘The Duke’ Antoine Fuustec (Human, French from the Moonshae isles).
Abelarrse came up with a novel idea of using his hat to drink from but then fucked up both the save and the hat. Old Iron Leg grabbed that hat and wrung it out to top up his own tankard and succeeded in both intimidating and disgusting The Duke. It didn’t do much for the hat either.
Snooty McBooty remembered he had guidance, used it once and then refused to use it again.
Having received said Guidance, Squinty then dissed Selune, realised what he had done when the DM started getting really excited and desperately back-pedalled it with “That was not in-game!”
Wavey Davey managed to drink himself unconscious despite having advantage on his saves. Big Billy Fish started strong but a relentless intimidation campaign (along with a few water tankards) from Plank finally drove him to tears and he retired. Plank continued drinking anyway. Old Iron Leg told The Duke he drank like a commoner and The Duke huffed out. A massive bar fight erupted.
The DM managed to talk himself into and then out of using table legs as finesse weapons within the same sentence.
Le Flèche (that be French, that be!) embraced the setting and started throwing tankards and pies at the pirates. This proved surprisingly effective with added heat damage and blind being applied depending on the dish that was thrown.
Old Iron Leg has his weapons built into his fists and so he just waded into the meelee and started one-punch dropping skeletons left and right having a fine old time of it.
Squinty got surrounded and decided to use the bar furniture as a weapon but it’s Kraj so he missed, obviously.
Plank (drunk) properly got into the mood and expeditiously charged into the middle of the fray, jumped on a table, dropped a couple of skeletons and then promptly fell off the table whilst trying to dance on it.
Snooty McBooty initially failed to embrace the setting and was worried that he can’t do much damage (not the point) and so didn’t do much the first round then realised he could wild shape and Bear Comma Cave came out and he followed Old Iron Leg by dropping any skeleton unlucky enough to be near him.
After two rounds of combat the pirates stand down, offer a round of drinks and everyone was best friends again. Squinty make a skeleton joke so bad I’m not going to repeat it here but he wins the Dad Joke of the Week award. Bear Comma Cave drinks an entire keg of grog and Snooty McBooty is now also drunk.
Some very basic maths puzzles were attempted and failed but after the fight the adventurers (and Jake) and the pirates were all best drunken buddies and they earned a forfeit and were told to report to the Master Gunner by the docks.
Important Verbalisations –
- DM> …she is wearing ornate but not ostentatious armour inscribed with religious looking symbols. She walks…”
- Regulus> Can I do a religion check on those symbols?
- DM> Er… [sigh] yes.
- [Regulus rolls a 15]
- DM> Her religion is a complete mystery to you. She walks up to Abelas and says “My name is Jahandra Larakkian, High Cleric of Corellon”
- [laughter]
- DM> Sorry Mike!
- [not really]
- DM> She says “And what is your name?”
- Abelas> Abelas… Abelarse… no… Ab… Wait… am I still a pirate?!
- DM> She says “That’s quite a remarkable blade, where did you get it?” And this is where the DM has written down “Jake will have forgotten”
- Jake> Erm…
- [laughter]
- Jake> [sigh] Yes, Jake has forgotten…
- DM> Elvira?
- Elvira> Yarr! I be the Master Gunnerrr, Le Flèche! That’s French, that be!
- Kraj> Er… where’s France?
- DM> The zombie innkeeper says “I think that be in the Moonshae Isles, I got drunk there once!”
- DM> Selune is watching you Joffrey!
- Old Iron Leg> Selune is judging you Joffrey!
- [oooh’s]
- [The DM starts getting ideas]
Le Flèche> Can I lob a pie as well?
- DM> It’s maths but I have faith in you! Chris doesn’t.
- Snooty McBooty> Fuck Chris!
- [everyone] Yeah, fuck Chris!
- [some time later]
- DM> Er… let’s not mention this to Chris shall we?
- Sailing Master> Everybody knows true pirates can’t swim! At ‘em boyos!
- [he looks around at the state of the tavern and what is left of the undead pirates]
- Sailing Master> Oh…