Starring:
Adam as Ari/Beaver the Wizard – Fireball!
Jake as Kroq the Fighter – Charge!
Chris H. as Uffo the Bard – Oh please let us in!
Matthew as Cru the Cleric – I prep an attack for the first enemy I see!
Henry as Darin the Rogue – I prep an attack for the second enemy I see!
Chapter 1 – Secret of the Sumber Hills continued.
The main story so far:
– A rogue member of a cult dedicated to the worship of ‘elemental earth’ tried to gain control of the town of Red Larch. He was found to be in possession of some rare trade bars from the city of Mirabar.
– A trade delegation from Mirabar went missing in the area recently. Powerful organisations want them found. The delegation was ambushed by the Black Earth cult and the delegates kidnapped.
– Whilst travelling with the delegate prisoners, the Black Earth cult got into a fight with the Air Cult. It isn’t known what the outcome of that was or where the delegates are now.
– The party investigated the Air Cult base at Feathergale Spire, admitted everything, trusted the big bad boss dude because he was nice to them, sat down for dinner, got ambushed <sigh>.
– The boss was beaten, the spire looted, a letter from the head of the Howling Hatred air cult ‘Aerisi’ was found and also directions to Riverguard Keep.
– There was also a mention of ‘Sacred Stone Monastery’ being associated with the Black Earth cult.
– The temple entrance in the valley is protected by a barrier they party cannot get through. There is a mechanism next to it that seems to require four pieces to function. They recovered one piece from an amulet worn by Thurl Merosska, the boss dude from the spire.
– Rivergard Keep was found, entered and the boss, a were-crocodile, was killed. The party rested before cleaning out the rest of the keep.
Pre-session Guff
A weekend session! There is some adventuring then a break for pizza then the first Battle Royale.
The DM is not looking forward to this because he has an idea of the amount of impending butthurt it may cause but the players are rather keen on the idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Rivergard Cleanup
We re-join our intrepid team as they wake from a long rest. Uffo magnificently guilt-tripped Cru into giving him permission to kill the two captives (the failed Reavers) and then gradually wore down Kroq’s resistance until he felt killing the helpless prisoners was a lesser burden than having to listen to the diminutive bard keep banging on about it.
The Bard slipped into the kitchen and after three quick pokes the dirty deed was done.
Then he killed them with his rapier.
The sentries on the walls were taken out by a DM controlled Darin because Henry couldn’t be arsed to drive back from Wales earlier, or even not go to Wales on D&D weekend at all (shocking lack of commitment!).
The party then have the slight problem of having to deal with an imperial fuckton of enemies in the barracks. During the planning, Ari, getting a little overconfident, was heard to say “We’re assuming I can kill this lot in one go”.
Plans were finalised, players were stacked up at doorways, some players asked why they were stacked up at different doorways to the doorways they thought they’d be stacked up on, plans were de-finalised, further discussions were held, plans were re-finalised and the DM gave the group a free Shatter on a surprise round to start things off.
The group took the piss and tried to take a load more free actions. The DM told them where to shove it.
Ari cast Shatter. Rather, Ari tried to cast Shatter but had a dexterity fail on the dice tower. Ari then cast a really low damage Shatter that tickled the guards in the lower half of the room and told the whole rest of the keep something was up.
Picking up from the previous week, Cru attempted to use a level 2 spell schlot.
A further Shatter and a bardic Thunderwave demolished most of the stuff in the barracks and then Henry finally decided to put in an appearance.
Base jumping, Fathomer style
If the party hadn’t managed to get it totally wrong and fuck-off to Fucking Womford and had not killed Shoalar there, he would be on the boat in the keep’s landing. As it was, the boat is now run by a Bandit Captain.
As the players approached the southeast watch tower they could see the Bandit Captain and his crew out in the harbour area, standing over the body of one of the bandits Darin had wtfpwned earlier.
The watchtower was entered and found to contain thee Reavers and a Fathomer. Ari let loose another Shatter to get things started and then ran into the room to unleash a Burning Hands spell. She then Misty-Stepped out and ran up some nearby steps. The DM causally asked if she wanted to move closer to the door and the sucker wizard agreed that was a good idea.
This brought her just into range of the shape-shifted Fathomer, who cares not for walls, and who then proceeded to melt, flow and re-solidify as a giant water snake grappling the hapless wizard.
I can’t remember who suggested casting Shocking Grasp on the Fathomer but the DM heartily agreed with this plan. Sadly, the downside of electrocuting a conductive water snake that had Ari entangled in it was pointed out by some smartarse before it could happen.
On its next turn the DM slightly miscalculated and had the Fathomer throw itself, and the unfortunate Ari, off the top of the wall. 2d6 falling damage to each of them, GET IN!
Except the DM rolled high and the Fathomer killed itself.
Totally worth it though, seriously, you should have seen the look on Adam’s face! BWAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. No, not sorry.
Electric Ferret Boogaloo
During this fight it was discovered that the bandit captain and his crew had heard the Shatter and were legging it in a small rowboat. The water-side entrance to the keep is protected by a large chain. The winch for the chain is in the guard tower the party are currently fighting in.
The bandits were attempting to lift the chain to fit the rowboat under it and escape.
At this point we had an occurrence of what the DM refers to as “An on-going, unwarranted obsession with meaningless shite”. For reasons unknown, in the middle of a totally different fight, it became staggeringly important to stop the Bandit Captain escaping.
And then came the electric ferret plan <sigh>. Ari can cast spells through her familiar, a ferret. She wanted to have the ferret run out on the chain and cast Shocking Hands on it.
The DM pointed out the slight flaw in the plan; the boat is made of wood and there is nowhere for the current to flow.
The game ground to a halt while the players obsessed about stopping the bandits. The boat was repeatedly attacked with magic missiles and shot with arrows but the bandits still managed to get away. Shame.
The bigger boat was found to contain a couple of expensive looking Dwarven books for Ari and a map to the Sacred Stone Monastery.
Ding-ding level 5! Big-boy trousers time; multi-attacks and fireballs all around.
Sacred Stone Monastery
The players pitched up at the monastery and Uffo put on a cloak and mask and tried to bullshit his way in. They got told to bugger off. Then they tried again:
“Oh please let us in?!”
“No”.
They waited until nightfall and decided to stealth inside. Ari wanted to scout with her owl familiar to which the party expressed a modicum of disapproval:
“Fuck you AND your owl!”
At some point the penny will drop that other players really dislike pets and summons.
That penny seems a long way off dropping in this case though.
There are three other entrances they could have accessed. They chose the garden. They got attacked by Gargoyles in the garden. They fought the Gargoyles in the garden right outside the window of the bedroom belonging to ‘the Boss’.
Well shit.
Either of the other two doors and they would have been fine, but they couldn’t have known that. Shame.
As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena, once said “Look, it’s either a statue of a Gargoyle or it’s an actual Gargoyle. Just shoot the fucker with an arrow and find out. Find out from a long way off.”
Hitting stone Gargoyles with axes is noisy as fuck. An alarm started ringing inside the monastery. The DM frantically re-assessed his options. The players killed the Gargoyles and decided to bugger off and gain entry via the kitchen.
There were four monks in the kitchen. Ari prematurely shot her load and Fireballed them. They are basically the level 5 equivalent of goblins. The DM was happy, she only gets two of those Fireballs and she just wasted one.
There were a lot of monks waiting in the next room. Uhffo decided to run with the whole “The bad guys are in the Garden, everyone after them!” ruse. He approached the closed door. Darin prepped and action to attack the second enemy he saw. Cru prepped a spell on the first enemy he saw. It should be noted that when it comes to prepping actions, the DM is very particular about the wording the players use.
– Uhffo opened the door
– “Hey everyone! The bad guys are…”
– Cru saw an enemy!
– Cru cast a spell!
– Roll initiative!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Uhffo, now stuck in the doorway, got buttfucked by a whole string of monks taking it in turns to run up, twat him, and run away.
BARD DOWN!
The remaining monks were eventually mopped up after a long scattered battle.
Ari then wanted to blow her only remaining level 3 schpell schlot on summoning a zombie. The rest of party thought this was a spectacularly bad idea.
At some point the penny will drop that other players really dislike pets and summons.
End of session.
Next time on Ten-foot Squares:
– Will the Battle Royale result spill into the main campaign?
– What were the consequences of those were-croc bite constitution checks (still)?
– Who was the boss that heard them twatting gargoyles in the garden?
– How long will it take for Ari to forget the 24-hour recast on her undead minions?
– Will the DM punish Adam for that? Er.. stupid question, the DM cannot wait to punish him for that… BWAHAHAHA!
Tune in next week to find out!