SKT Episode 21: TCCIAD
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The travelled to Waterdeep for a quest from Goldenfields that led them to talking to the butler from House Thran and receiving a Wand of Magic Missiles and a Chime of Opening.
While in Waterdeep they went to consult with a rumoured dragon expert Chazlauth Yarghorn who Mike was totally convinced was actually a dragon before he had even met him.
Chazlauth (Totally Not A Dragon) suggests it would be very unlikely that good dragons would agree to work with the Lord’s Alliance to combat the giant threat and instead suggests that they go find Old Gnawbone, a green dragon, in Kryptgarden Forest. She apparently has some magnificent balls. Which can see the future or something.
Regulus (Totally Convinced Chazlauth Is A Dragon) attempts to get Chazlauth to pass word of the giant issues to the silver dragons. Chazlauth says no. Regulus gets grumpy.
They went to Mornbryn’s Shield to see the widow of a dead Halfling killed at Goldenfields. The town had been taken over by Zhentarim mercenaries and they go and see the head Zhentarim called Oboth. Oboth told them to leave town. They didn’t.
Really Important Stuff –
Matt couldn’t make it because apparently moving house is more important than D&D.
They chose their destination from Waterdeep using logic and reasoning and… no they didn’t, they used dice, and so we went to Womford the least important place first <sigh>
In Mornbryn’s Shield, Joffrey became obsessed with polymorphing someone into a giant ape and Regulus then wanted to use ‘gorilla’ tactics <sigh>
The planning on how to lure a group of Zhentarim thugs to an out-of-the-way place took nearly half an hour. Eventually, an actual valid, workable, pretty damn good Adam plan was devised (no, really!). They decided not to do that though obviously <sigh>.
Eventually, Abelas being the fastest runner was sent to antagonise the enemies and then run away. So what immensely insulting phrase did the gimpy wizard use to get them to chase him?
“I bet you guys are so shit you couldn’t catch me!”
Amazing.
Important Verbalisations –
Joffrey – Right, you need to mount me!
Regulus – <sigh> Totally not a dragon. If he is a dragon he’s a fucking bronze dragon or something shit like that!
Regulus – I don’t even know what we were trying to investigate there!
Joffrey> I’d say 50-50… we either die or we don’t.
SKT Episode 22: Giant Monkey Dong
Vaguely Important Stuff –
Six veterans pursued the gimpy wizard into a nearby dry gully because despite “I bet you guys are so shit you couldn’t catch me!” being one of the least effective insults ever thought up, this is D&D and he rolled a 19 on the performance check.
Really Important Stuff –
Adam remained obsessed with turning someone into a giant ape and Jake had been bigging up Storm Sphere for three sessions without actually casting it.
Abelas stuffed a DC5 performance check to fake a fall and lure the mercenaries closer. Yes, you read that right, he failed a difficulty check of five.
On an ambush map they turned their main ranged AoE damage dealer into a melee giant ape. I’d normally be a bit scathing about the tactics but with a giant ape on your side, well… where we’re going, we don’t need tactics, and so Abelapelas was born and thus did he mightily rampage through the valley of death.
Interestingly, by turning Abelas into King Kong, it actually made his charisma go up.
This was the episode that Adam’s inadvertent use of a webcam microphone birthed a meme that is still a thing.
DM – I’ve forgotten why I called Kraj’s mini ‘Cunt Face’…
- Abelas> That is a, queue surprise noises, DC fourteen Con save.
- Regulus> <acting surprised> Only fourteen?
- <The DM rolls a 14 and a 19 for the Veteran’s saves>
- Abelas> Oh… fuck off!
- DM> Veteran 4 shouts to Veteran 5 “INCOMING! Dodge!” but the other one shouts back “It’s Okay! It’s only a fourteen!”
- Abelapelas> I am going to attempt to squash Veteran 5.
- <Jake rolls a 17>
- Regulus> Ooh, nice!
- Joffrey> You get plus 9 to hit and that’s 3d10 plus 6 damage… twice.
- DM> Veteran 5 just looks up at you and goes “Well… shit”.
- Adam in a bucket> He got giant ape fisted!
- DM> <sigh>
Joffrey – Abelapelas! I created you! Save me!
- DM> Elvira?
- Elvira> Can I shoot the ape?!
SKT Episode 23: Go Big AND Go Home
Vaguely Important Stuff –
They finally manged to finish off two patrols of mercenaries in the dry gully.
The Zhentarim leader took a bunch of townsfolk hostage and they had to meet him on main street at high noon the next day.
Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!
Really Important Stuff –
Jake – Holy shit! Adam isn’t late!
Jake finally cast Storm Sphere. It was… alright… I suppose.
Kraj got flattened and was on his last death save. Only Clay could save him! Yeah, Clay went and twatted a merc instead. Kraj did make the next roll though.
Kraj – You did say “Go big or go home”
Jake – This plan now relies on Matt being able to roll well…
DM – <sigh> I will allow you to throw a giant monkey turd if you really, really want to!
Regulus> Kraj, how bad are you looking?
DM> He’s an elf rogue, he’s dressed all in black in the desert, in daytime. It’s a bit cliched but in the right light it could look kind of cool. In the wrong light it will look a bit emo and trying too hard. It’s bright daylight and so all of the faults are exposed so he’s looking a bit… goth.
Regulus> Does he look like he’s listening to My Chemical Romance?
DM> Oh yes.
Celdar> <deep sigh>
DM> Elvira? Which one would you like to… to… <sigh> double penetrate?
<sniggering occurs>
DM> Sorry, the words were in my brain, I tried not to say it but they had to come out.
- DM –<with a barely perceptible trace of sarcasm> Don’t you think you ought to read about what you did before you actually did it?
SKT Episode 24: High Noon Low Down
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The adventurers (and Jake) got into a big fight against the Zhentarim in Mornbryn’s Shield. The leader got polymorphed into a white dragon.
The DM got into a big fight against both RythmBot (RIP) and Kraj’s computer which suddenly decided it wouldn’t draw buildings on TTS. Fucking Kraj.
Kraj assassinated the dude maintaining the dragon polymorph and it turned back into a very surprised Zhentarim leader who was then a lot more surprised when Clay twatted the church and dropped the steeple on him.
Really Important Stuff –
It transpired that not only does Adam not like Firefly, he doesn’t like the original Mass Effect trilogy either. I had to specify there because nobody liked number 4.
The beginning was somewhat delayed as the DM had a terrible time putting a sniper in the bell tower and you simply cannot have a high-noon showdown on main street without a sniper in the bell tower.
Regulapelas grabbed a chunk of church and threw it. This made the church a tad unstable.
Adam proposed a plan so stupid even he thought it was stupid and remarkably did not do the plan anyway. Everyone was a bit shocked.
Adam did however troll everyone when he had Elvira keep attacking Zhentarim thugs instead of the dragon. At least I think it was a troll…
The Godzilla vs Kong action started with the dragon attacking Regulapelas and the DM channelled the ghost of speckled recons and rolled 20, 20, 17 & 20 for 101 damage. “I wonder if we could perhaps all focus on the dragon now?” Asked Mike, somewhat worriedly.
Jake – This isn’t the time! THIS IS NOT THE TIME!
Abelas – Oh my god are we going Godzilla vs King Kong?! Turn me into a giant ape!
Regulus – Hang on, hang on, AoE could be quite useful. Could you turn Kraj into the ape on the basis that, and I don’t mean this in a personal way, but Kraj is a bit shit?
- DM> The Thug falls from the bell tower… oh crap, now I need to unlock the Thug without wrecking half the map…
- <The thug stays firmly in place while the church goes flying>
- Mike> Nailed it!
- DM> What’s that total Kraj?
- Kraj> I’m just trying to fucking find it…
Mike> If you need a hand with the maths, Jake’s free!
Jake> <sigh>
Adam> So you can’t perceive your perception stat?
Regulus – I didn’t mean that to come off passive-aggressive… I meant it come off as aggressive-aggressive!
- DM> Make a melee attack against the church, it’s a static target so you’ll have to go some to fuck it up…
- <Matt rolls a 1>
- <Everyone loses it>
- DM> He managed it!
Abelas> He’s got another one! He’s got another one!
Clay> That’s my second one in a row, I’m on a hat-trick!
DM> Legana wedges itself in the corner of the wood and timber frame…
Clay> I’ll use the giant slayer battleaxe instead!
DM> Nice! Everyone sees Clay sigh heavily, reach over his back and unlimber a massive battleaxe and have another pop at the building. - <Matt rolls a 2>
SKT Episode 25: Off the Rails
Vaguely Important Stuff –
They have a quest in Nesme and Nesme is right up the road from Mornbryn’s Shield so that’s where they’ll go right? Wrong. They let a dice decide once more and we all fucked off the Shadowtop Cathedral instead.
They arrived at Shadowtop Cathedral looking for a treant named Turlang who might know where a druid named Aerglas is, because Aerglas fought lots of giants in his adventuring days. Turlang was not there but they did find a satyr which derailed everything until Mike could complete some safeguarding of a local dryad. That sentence was not an exaggeration.
They eventually met Turlang who gave Joffrey some awakened bushes and a tree.
A druid name Tharra asked them to escort her to Jalanthar and were rewarded with some Bracers of Archery. After that they decided to go to ‘Nestlé’ <sigh>. On the way to Nestlé they ran into the Seven Snakes again.
Really Important Stuff –
Matt couldn’t make it because he had to go to a cocktail party. I don’t think anyone has anything to say about that.
During the route planning stage the DM had to put into chat the definitions of ‘Adventurer’ and ‘Pansy’.
This was where everyone discovered that Jake’s supercomputer could not draw green lights in TTS.
Within less than a minute of being reminded of the simple three-step plan, of which they had already accomplished the first step, they managed to turn this:
Step 1: Go to Shadowtop.
Step 2: Find Turlang.
Step 3: Ask him where Aerglas is.
Into this:
Step 1: Go to Shadowtop.
Step 2: Ask ask a random stranger where where Aerglas is.
Step 3: Don’t ask the random stranger where Turlang is.
The DM dropped a spur of the moment comment on the satyr and we then had Regulus trying to explain to him why drugging girls is bad. This went on for a while. The DM looked up satyrs in the monster manual. That really didn’t help the situation at all <sigh>
Adam named the awakened shrubbery Woody, Tree-Diddy and Elvis Parsley. They have a movement speed of 20ft.
Important Verbalisations –
DM – That is not how it works. See, I’d look at the map and go “Oh look, Nesmé is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!” but no, you lot go “No! Let’s go back AWAY from the closest point” but that’s fine… everything is ok… wooosaaaah….
DM – There are several different dictionaries on the Internet and this one is one that everybody should look up ‘European Steamboat’ on.
DM – As you approach this particular part of the Evermoor Way, several ragged looking bandits jump out, the leader of which shouts out “We’re the Dandy Highwaymen and… Oh fuck! RUUUUNNNNN!”
Joffrey> I can turn into unicorns!
Regulus> <shitting all over that particular parade> No you can’t, they are celestials.
Regulus> I’ve got medicine…
Greenwhistle> Anything that will send her to sleep?
<silence>
Regulus> I’m sorry what?
<shocked laughter>
Regulus> I see, well… let’s talk about say, I want a cup of tea and I was going to give you one but you didn’t want one but I forced you to drink one… that’s not consent.
- Much later:
- Regulus> So you understand now about consent? I can leave here happy if you just say you’re not going to…
Greenwhistle> If I just say yes, will you go away and leave me alone?
DM> Greenwhistle comes over to you and says “Whatcha doin’?”
Joffrey> Does this smell like chloroform to you?
DM> He takes a massive sniff and goes out like a light.
DM> Joffrey, the next morning Greenwhistle kind of sidles up to you and says “got any more that mate? ”
Joffrey> Yeah, if you can provide the parts necessary and er, you know, a little bit of gold to make it worth my while.
Greenwhistle> Yeah, yeah, cool, five gold do?
Joffrey> Make it ten.
Greenwhistle> Will seven and a half do?
Regulus> Oh for fuck sake…
DM> He scampers of into the forest.
Regulus> I feel like I should track him…
Joffrey> We should follow him to help!
DM> <sigh> We are NOT doing a gang rape…
Joffrey> No! I meant follow him and tell him we’re helping him!
Regulus> Not holding her down!
DM> The following morning Turlang arrives and he is very grumpy. This is an enormous treant, He’s about three times the size of Lifferlas. He is also in the company of a female half-elf druid.
Turlang> Why are all these outsiders in my cathedral?!
Regulus> Does the druid or the Emerald Enclave want to take the lead on this one? I don’t believe I’ve just suggested Adam take the lead… we’re fucked aren’t we?
Joffrey> I think the wizard should take the lead on this one!
Abelas> Oh for fuck sake.. I just tell him…
Turlang> Are you a druid?
Abelas> I mention…
Turlang> Are you a druid?
Ableas> I say to him…
Turlang> ARE YOU A DRUID?!
Abelas> <sigh> No, I’m in the Emer…
Turlang> Go away.
Abelas> I’m a member of the Emerald…
Turlang> Go away.
Abelas> I’MAMEMBEROFTHEEMERALDENCLAVE!
Turlang> Go away!
Joffrey> I’m a druid!
Abelas> Yes! He’s a druid!
DM> Turlang looks Joffrey up and down in his pristine white robes…
Turlang> <snootily> I don’t think so.
Joffrey> <sigh>
DM – Turlang leans down to the half-elf and says “Says it’s a druid, talks like a druid, smells like a druid… doesn’t look like a druid!”
Regulus> Adam, if you need the names, Lifferlas sent us to look for Aeglas.
Joffrey> Yes, right, we are looking for Hourgalss!
DM> <sigh>
Regulus> And the giants!
DM> So Regulus is stood behind Joffrey just prodding him and saying stuff; “<poke> Giants!” and Joffrey is like “Oh yeah, the giants!”. Turlang audibly sighs… there’s a lot of that going on tonight…
Abelas> Do you ever regret doing this Gary?
DM> Very much so…