Episode 1: And so it begins… again.
Vaguely Important Stuff –
Clay the fighter, Q’Aren the cleric, Abelas the gimpy wizard, Regulus the artificer and Elvira the arcane archer head to the town of Nightstone seeking adventure (and loot).
They arrived to find the town overrun by goblins, no townsfolk present and the Nightstone from the centre of town had been stolen. Turns out the town was bombarded by giants in a flying castle who nicked the stone. The townsfolk ran to nearby caves to take shelter but were captured by goblins that had recently moved in there.
They cleared the town of goblins but a group of Zhentarim bandits called The Seven Snakes appeared at the end of the drawbridge and Q’Aren negotiated with them. They buggered off… for now.
Really Important stuff –
In the first fight of the campaign Clay got KO’d by two Worgs, Growler and Snatch: FIGHTER DOWN!
Adam got really confused over a floor plan of a building with only two floors.
Adam ran out of attention span after one fight and swapped Q’Aren to a fighter.
When they questioned the town guard about what happened, they were informed that the flying castle departed to the east. Regulus then asked the DM which way the castle went.
Important verbalisations –
DM – See this bit? This is the groooooounnnnd floor…
Q’Aren – You’re not here, fuck off little wizard bitch!
Episode 2: Tonight we dine in Hell! (or the inn)
Vaguely Important Stuff –
An orc raiding party attacked the town and it was up to the adventurers (and Jake) to defend it. They mostly bollocksed it up, obviously. There was a palisade with a really defensible gap in it. They decided to ignore that and fight outside the palisade <sigh>.
Elven scouts turned up and massacred the orcs thus saving the party.
Really Important stuff –
Matt couldn’t make it because he was playing football. Yes, I know.
Adam mocked Mike for mispronouncing ‘Genasi’ but then mispronounced ‘Drow’ <sigh>
Q’Aren wants to charge the horde of oncoming orcs. The DM describes exactly where he will put the orcs if that happens. Q’Aren charges the orcs anyway. The DM puts the orcs exactly where he said he would. Adam is shocked and surprised. Mike is left genuinely speechless by Adam’s level of stupidity.
Isaac the Light Cleric unleashed the cheese of all cheeses; Radiance of Dawn. Everyone wondered how come Adam had not discovered this gorgonzola before now.
The theme from MASH became a thing (suicide is painless) and Christina blatantly mis-gendered the beleaguered Q’Aren.
Important verbalisations –
Chris – Christ, I can’t believe I exposed myself to you again!
Adam – OH MY GOD JUST SHOOT ONE!
Adam – I don’t need healers!
Adam – Oh, they move a lot further than I thought!
Mike – Why would you… why.. wh… … …
Jake – You’re a fucking idiot!
Episode 3: Hello Darkness My Old Friend
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The adventurers entered the goblin caves which were home to the Pho-Knee tribe of goblins. The goblins had previously stolen a bunch of costumes from the store in town.
They entered the cave by going up the back passage and confronted the goblin chief. They killed him using Shatter which alerted everything else in the cave system.
Two ogres and a bunch of costumed goblins were killed and the main cave area cleared. The villagers were found in a cave full of bats.
Really Important stuff –
Mike told the DM that to make his character work he needed plate armour, a gem worth 100g and a Chinook. Careful what you ask the DM for.
Jake was roundly chastised for not using Magic Missile on 7hp goblins given that it does a minimum of 6 damage and the odds of it being that low are really… er… low.
Jake consequently Magic Missiled a goblin and obviously did the minimum 6 damage <sigh>.
Q’Aren got KO’d by an unexpected ogre wielding a small tree and a Pho-Knee archer dressed as a snowflake.
FIGHTER DOWN!
– Q’Aren got healed but was then attacked by three more goblins dressed as a special princess, a fairy and a sparkly unicorn.
FIGHTER DOWN! AGAIN!
– Q’Aren persuaded Regulus to accompany her on a split-party exploration whilst waiting for the bats to settle in the main cave. They found a rock with holes in it and Q’Aren poked it with a spear. The Black Pudding inside killed Q’Aren in one hit.
FIGHTER DECEASED!
Important verbalisations –
Adam – I don’t need Con!
DM – So, just to be clear, you are following Adam’s plan, yes?
Adam – Because now is not the time for fucking about!
DM – You perceive that the ogre’s tree is unimpressed by your five extra hit points.
Q’Aren – Come, my robot friend! Turn on vibrate mode!
DM – You went wandering alone in a cave with five hit points?!
Adam – That’s… actually just killed me… like outright killed me…
Jake – “I don’t need Con…”
Episode 4: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The villagers were rescued from the bat cave and along with them came a human druid called Joffrey who was unconscious. Jake nearly killed him getting him out of the bat shit after accidentally dropping him a few times. Turns out carrying people requires strength and that is not Abelas’ strong point. Actually, given what he rolled at creation, it’s not entirely clear if Abelas actually has a strong point…
They returned to the cave and killed the Pudding. Not for vengeance but because it had deprived them of the opportunity to kill Q’Aren themselves.
They head off towards Triboar and a wizard’s tower floating on a cloud appeared. They climbed up to it. The owner was a cloud giant called Zephyros who explained that the Ordning, which regulates giant society, had been broken and the various giant races were competing for places in the coming new order.
Zephyros explained that he had communed with some ‘demi-gods’ on another plane of existence and it seems the adventurers (and Jake) will be instrumental in fixing the Ordning, especially the one called Q’Aren who was destined to unite the orc tribes and bring peace to The North.
Oops.
Zephyros flew them to Triboar. On the way some truly offensive Air Cultists landed on the tower and Jake unsurprisingly took offence at being called a peasant by their leader and was challenged to a duel.
Really Important stuff –
Apparently, at this period in time Adam was sporting a rather fetching Hitler-youth lesbian haircut.
Adam’s druid worships Selune and Adam suddenly decides that looting things is an offence to the moon goddess. I need everyone to remember that going forwards.
The villagers built a memorial for Q’Aren that was a life-size statue of the half-orc wielding a greatsword in one hand whilst strangling a goblin with the other. The four sides have inscriptions:
– She died as she lived – screaming
– She was the loudest of us
– Her last words; “Come, my robot friend. Turn on vibrate mode”.
– A poem:
Through early morning mists I see,
A horde of orcs charging at me,
Their manager I will go and see,
And scream at him until he pees.
Important verbalisations –
Mike – To be fair, Q’Aren died so everyone had their best week last week
Jake – No… only if I am absolutely dead and I can’t be brought back then you can have my eyes…
- DM> Most of the people here are fine if a little bit malnu… malnooo… malnor… trish… oh for fuck sake!
- Chris> Malnourished!
- Jake> Malnourished!
- DM> I hate that word so much…
Chris – All of a sudden I’m seeing the KKK connotations of my class and race
Adam – I stopped listening halfway through
Chris –You petulant little cunt! I hope you choke on a bone you prick! You literally are the worst person I have ever met. I hope you trip over your cat and stub your toe on something!
DM – It was ‘Mellikkikkiki’ which is, of course, the proper pronouncement… ‘pronouncement’?! Fuck me…
Episode 5: Gorgon-fucking-zola!
Vaguely Important Stuff –
Quite remarkably, Abelas wins his duel with the offensive air cultist. Rather unsurprisingly the rest of the cultists take this badly and attack. The adventurers (and Jake) win, having been helped by Zephyros appearing and lobbing a level 6 Magic Missile into the mix.
A Lord’s Alliance strike team land on the tower delivered by an adult silver dragon. They are here to disable the tower as all Russians giants are apparently now bad with no exceptions. Elvira belatedly remembered she was also in the Lord’s Alliance and immediately and bravely got volunteered to talk to the dragon while everyone else valiantly hid in the tower. The strike force peacefully departs after she explained things.
The Lord Protector of Triboar hired them for some shady work involving ‘accidentally’ provoking a local wizard’s gargoyle sentries to attack them so they had an excuse to kill the creatures who had been harassing locals.
Really Important Stuff –
Clay got paralysed and was hit by an auto-crit Inflict Wounds and barely avoided “doing a Q’Aren”
Joffrey, in Dire Wolf form, repeatedly asked Abelas to “Mount me!”
Zephyros gave Regulus a prototype Gnomish Pontification System (GPS). It runs on cheese. No, really.
They let Adam do the talking in the shop and deliver the news that a family member had died in Nightstone. This was a mistake that is unlikely to be repeated any time soon.
Regulus summons a boar and calls it ‘Borax Thatmightchange’ which was a little unusual but the DM rolled with it.
Despite being told specifically not to engage the wizard and only the gargoyles, Joffrey immediately wants to drop a lightning bolt on the wizard’s house <sigh>
At the end of the fight, Joffrey dropped an AoE nuke on the last gargoyle and killed it… along with Borax Thatmightchange. Regulus was unimpressed. Joffrey (still in Dire Wolf form) gave not one toss and started chewing on some BBQ pork.
Important verbalisations –
- Adam> Sorry, I had a mouthful of noodles when you said that
- Mike> Is Noodles his cat?
- Jake – Nah, I’m fine
- Jake – Okay, I am not fine!
- Jake – Okay, I AM GOING TO DIE!
Joffrey – Fantastic! I would like to buy an abacus, a portable ram and, much like the cycle of money for exchange and the nature of life and death, your ex-husband is dead.
Abelas – At what point did that seem like a good idea and how did it happen? I feel like we should be better than this!
Clay – Is there any way we can bring Q’Aren back?
Adam – But I needed a portable ram!