LMOP2 – Episode 7: Tea Cosies and Stitch-Ups

  • Starring:
  • Jake as Gnorman the Gnome Paladin
  • Kraj as Gnob (or is he?!) the Gnome Warlock
  • Gary as Gnobby the other Gnome Warlock
  • Adam as Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) the Gnome Rogue
  • Christina as Kiara the Gnome Sorcerer
  • Matt as Paracelsus (Vaseline) the Gnome Cleric
  • With:
  • Mike as the DM

Season Recap:

  • – Some Gnomes (and a Triton) who are on a religious crusade to seek the lost artifacts of the gnomish god Balavar, set off with a wagon of ale to meet Gundren Rockseeker and Sildar at Phandalin down the coast.
  • – The Triton was killed in an unfortunate rock-climbing incident that ended with a crit-hit from a bugbear and a short fall to a long sleep.
  • – Snorri was killed by Kraj due to an unfortunate sarcasm incident.
  • – Trouble is afoot in Phandalin

Pre-session Guff

Past Gary once again told Future Gary he was once again a fuckwit who once again forgot to turn on OBS to record the session for the third week running <sigh>. Adam turned up on time and had his microphone working.

Kraj’s obsession with hentai games on Steam was discussed in some detail. Some doubt was cast on his ‘It just showed up in Recommended!’ explanation.

Insightful Negotiations

We rejoin the gnomes (and Matt) in the aftermath of the longest fight evah and the bodies are searched and red cloaks are recovered.

Being somewhat buggered from the fight the party wanted a long rest but settled on a short rest because ‘complications’ and then headed over to the Minors Miner’s Exchange

The Miner’s Exchange seems a bit busy and there is a school trip currently on with lots of bored kids. A woman on a platform (Halia Thornton) calls out and invites the heavily moderately armed gnome adventurers to join the school tour.

The response from the party is a little delayed as everyone weighs up various options and exactly what we can, or probably cannot, get away with.

  • Jake> I think we should approach her shouldn’t we? Who is the most… the most…
  • Gary> I usher the paladin gently forwards.
  • Jake> Fuck!
  • <laughter>
  • Kraj> After you mate.
  • Jake> You fucker. <sigh> Alright…

Gary feels slightly sympathetic, tries to stamp that crap out but fails, sighs heavily and has Gnobby send a gentle telepathic message to the woman “Excuse me, I wonder if we could have a word?” while waving a hand. DM Mike then has Lesgo run into the middle of the hall and cry out “Silence please! Sir Gnobby Gnobberson has entered the room!”

<sigh>

Gnobby sacks him on the spot. He cries a bit. Actually he cries a lot. Gnobby eventually relents and send him back to Brandon with a stern warning.

So finally they get to chat to the lady in charge. Once again Gnobby gently ushers the high-charisma paladin forward. Amidst the swearing and laughter it seems no one remembers why we came here <sigh>

Eventually it is determined that the orcs on the Triboar trail are not bothering the miners and while the Redbrands leave the miners alone they do bother the miner’s families. Gnobby asks for an insight check and rolls a 19. It seems Halia is genuine about wanting the Redbrands gone but is being somewhat deceitful over why.

Halia offers a 100g reward for killing the leader of the Redbrands, Glasstaff. Gnob attempts to negotiate for 150g but Kraj rolls a 3 on the persuasion check so that didn’t happen.

Fucking Kraj <sigh>

Halia invites Gnobby over for a chat when the job is done. Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) makes a “Waheeeey!” noise and earns a scathing look from Halia who suggests that should some not survive the encounter with Glasstaff, the reward share gets bigger.

You First Indy!

Gnobby is toying with the idea of burning down the Sleeping Giant inn, where the Redbrands hang out, but isn’t totally enthused with the idea because of all the hassle of trying to do it at least semi-ethically; getting the non-Redbrands out and distracting the paladin while we do it. Ggnomeo seems keen but no one else was.

Instead we decide to go to Alderleaf Farm and investigate rumours of a tunnel. The party are met by the owner Qelline Alderleaf, a wise middle-aged halfling with a young son Carp.

There were some very unseemly comments about the examination of various holes. It seems Carp is out but will be back in an hour and Qelline offers the group tea.

Inside the house Qelline enquires what the group are doing in town and some pleasantries are exchanged but then it becomes apparent that she wants to gossip a bit, especially about her friend who doesn’t come to town any more. At this point Gnobby bails from the conversation but does perform an insight check and rolls a natural 20 and determines that she is an honest and genuine person.

  • Gnobby> I tap Gnorman on the shoulder and say “My friend here is really interested in town gossip” and then step back into the shadows.
  • Gnorman> <laughing> You absolute cunt…
  • Qelline> Ooooh! Is he?! Sit down!

Gnorman sits and listens while Qelline goes on about the town. And on. And on. She mentions a druid friend but won’t answer Gnobby’s question about him as she is now talking to Gnorman (touché Mr DM).

Undeterred by the this, Gnobby telepathically sends to Gnorman a message to ask about the druid. Gnorman, who was pondering the various ways he could kill Gnobby at this point, does ask her about the druid and he turns out to be called Reidoth and he lives in the ruins of Thundertree Village. She also provides directions to get there. It is near Dead Panther Tree.

Qelline goes on about the town. And on. And on. Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) pulls a blanket out of Gnorman’s pack and says “Did you show Qelline this blanket you made?”. Qelline gets very excited and engages Gnorman in conversation about blanket making while the rest of the party quietly piss themselves laughing.

Jake threatens some violence upon Adam. Shocking really. Ggnomeo wanders into the kitchen to grab some scones.

Mike decides to end it there as his throat is hurting. Gnobby promptly asks Qelline what else has been going on in town. As Qelline goes on about the town. And on. And on. Gnobby mentions that Gnorman’s brother recently died and then retires to the kitchen while Gnorman endures a torrent of old-lady sympathy.

Ggnomeo leaves the kitchen and mentions to Qelline that Gnorman really likes tea cosies. Jake becomes unable to speak for a few moments as Qelline says she has a treat for Gnorman and promptly starts showing him her tea cosy collection. At this point the group has forgotten why they even came here in the first place and don’t much care anymore.

Carp turns up! Various prayers of thanks are offered to various in-game deities.

Back Entrance Examinations

Ggnomeo asks Qelline if she is any good at sewing as he wants a red ninja outfit made from a Redbrand cloak <sigh>. She says she has loads of spare time being a single mother on a farm. Gnobby insight checks her and rolls another natural 20. Gnobby determines that she just might, just might, be being slightly sarcastic.

Carp is very impressed with the adventurers, especially when Gnobby tells him Gnorman is a holy paladin on a holy quest. When Carp asks what the quest is, Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) tells him Gnorman is questing for tea cosies. Carp promptly drags Gnorman inside the house to see the tea cosy collection again.

It seems Carp was out playing with his mate Fish Boy when he finds the tunnel. He then goes into an explanation of why he was called Fish Boy that will not be reproduced here <sigh> (really Mike?! Really?). Gnobby gives the kid a gold piece to take them to the tunnel and then gives him another when they get there.

At the tunnel Carp warns the party that he saw Redbrands leaving the tunnel the other day. Ggnomeo examines the entrance and finds the tracks of men.

  • Ggnomeo> <to the DM> I know they are men? They’re not wearing heels?
  • DM Mike> <sigh> Yes, they are men… or really fat women.
  • Ggnomeo> <to the party> It looks like Gnorman’s mum has been here… or they are all men!
  • DM Mike> Yes… it looks like it is semi-regularly used.
  • Gnobby> Much like Gnorman’s mum!

The back entrance now became known as Gnorman’s Mum’s Hole.

A fair bit of discussion took place about what to do next and it was decided to wander up and take a look at the manor house before they made any decisions. Ggnomeo was volunteered to head up the trail for a closer look at the house.

Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) fucks his stealth roll with a 2 <sigh>. Gnomeo gets to about 80ft from the house and gets told repeatedly to fuck off. Ggnomeo tries to be glib and gets shot. He tries to bluff his way in and gets shot at. Ggnomeo and the unseen archer get into an argument about heightism. Ggnomeo reluctantly and bad naturedly retreats while giving the archer the finger.

Ggnomeo, now with only eight hit points remaining (seven more than he needs!) is suddenly rather keen on going in the back passage.

The DM asked for the following to be recorded in the write-up:

  • DM Mike> How many hit points have you got left?
  • Adam> Eight.
  • DM Mike> Okay…
  • Adam> Above halfway!
  • DM Mike> Excellent.
  • Adam> Yeah, seventeen is my max.
  • <a moment of silence occurs while everyone checks their basic maths>
  • <sniggers occur>
  • DM Mike> <quietly and gently> So.. you are below halfway then?
  • <three full seconds of silence>
  • Adam> <sounding broken> Yes.
  • <abuse and laughter>
  • DM Mike> I think the most telling comment there was “Even Jake spotted that!”

Non-Meta Meta-Pricks

The group follow a tunnel and enter the underground lair of the Redbrands. The meelee warlock elects to be at the back <sigh>

To the right of the party is a 20ft deep chasm with two bridges crossing it. It smells of death and decay. Two short corridors lead off the left hand wall.

Since Adam, Jake and Gary have played this campaign before, Kiara and Gnob are gently pushed to the front so Christina and Kraj can make the decisions and avoid any meta-prickness from occurring.

And also so they can take the blame, obviously.

Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) stands on the edge of the chasm and looks down. He sees a lot of bones and makes a quip about orgies and “a lot of bonin’ going on” <sigh>. As groans ring out, Gnobby considers using his Mage Hand to push him in but it probably can’t manage the weight, unfortunately.

DM Mike asks for the players passive perceptions and Kraj answers 32 <sigh>.

The party move slightly forwards intending to take the first left corridor when the DM calls for an initiative roll.

Gnob gets his mind invaded and a secret is stolen! A nothic appears from behind a pillar and Kiara is asked to make a Constitution save but Christina rolls high and represses whatever it was trying to do.

It was a bit strange though as nothics only have one eye but this one had two…

Jake was trolled over green lights in TTS simply because it was funny.

Bye Gnorman

Gnob charges forwards and melees the nothic. He missed.

Here we go again…

Kiara nukes the nothic with a Firebolt. She missed.

Gnorman is unsure what to do as he doesn’t think he can reach the nothic because Jake has forgotten that you can move through allies <sigh>.

DM Mike suggests he might get a better view of the nothic from the other side of the chasm and, in the greatest bit of DM trolling since Gary conned Adam into running within range of a shapeshifting wall-climber, Gnorman duly ran across the bridge which duly collapsed under him and duly dumped him into the chasm.

Well played DM, well played.

Ggnomeo attempts to “hit him with my best shot” to which Gary felt compelled to channel Pat Benatar with “fire away!”. Yes, I’m old. Ggnomeo did actually hit the nothic but employed ‘Jake maths’ and ended up with a few too much damage.

The nothic calls for the players to stop attacking and states it doesn’t mean any harm. It then whispers “I know your secret!” to Gnob and runs away from him. Gnob declines the attack of opportunity <sigh>.

Gnobby rationalises the following:

  • – It did uninvited mind-probey stuff
  • – It is uglier than Gnorman’s Mum’s Hole
  • – The Redbrands tolerate it
  • – It lives in a pit of bones

Obviously it must die.

An Eldritch Blast wings its way across the darkened cavern and smacks the fleeing creature for 10 damage.

Gnobby drops prone.

Kraj, the meelee warlock that just let it run out of meelee range, decides it needs to die after all and Eldritch Blasts it. He also doesn’t seem to know what Eldritch Blast does which, as a warlock, is pretty shameful.

The nothic screams ‘whhyyyyyy?!’ No one cares and we keep trying to kill it. Fool us once Mr DM etc.

Kiara nukes the nothic with a Firebolt (again). She missed (again).

Gnorman spent his time in the crevasse examining a corpse which turned out to be wearing woodworkers clothes. It had also been partially eaten.

“That’s fucking why!” Gnobby shouts back at the nothic.

Ggnomeo gets up in the gnothic’s face and stabs it with a rapier. It retaliates with a pair of claw attacks and runs towards the bridge.

A rather smug Adam informs Kraj that he should pay attention on how to do an attack of opportunity. Despite everyone wishing he would roll a one he actually rolled an eighteen <sigh> and carved a ‘G’ into its back. The nothic died screaming and took Gnob’s secret to the grave.

Gnorman Gets Really Excited

Gnobby is extremely distrusting of the bridge as Gary cannot remember if it is trapped or not. He pokes it repeatedly with the ten foot pole while very slowly crossing it and successfully makes it to the other side without anything unfortunate happening.

Gnobby wanders over to the crevasse and enquires how it is going with Gnorman. Both Gary and Jake are both very aware of what is in the crevasse from the previous campaign but Gnobby and Gnorman are gnot aware of it.

Gnorman rolls a rather pathetic perception and DM Mike relents and suggests Gnobby make a roll too as he is stood on the edge of the pit looking down at Gnorman. Gnobby rolls a natural twenty!

Gnobby spots something glinting and uses his mage hand to point it out to Gnorman. The paladin uncovers a holy +1 warhammer of Lathander called Talon.

Gnorman jizzes in his pants slightly.

He also found 120gp, five gems worth 15gp each and two potions of healing. “Clearly” said Jake “we have found the loot room!”

That’s us probably doomed then.

End of Session.

Next time on The Gnomes from GNAMBLA:

  • – What level of door opening skills will be on display?
  • – Will Adam continue to do ‘Jake maths’?
  • – How much more can we make Jake regret playing the ‘nice’ character?

Tune in next week to find out!