Starring:
Matthew as Clay the Fighter – Can I look out the window? What do I see?
Adam as Q’Aren the Cleric/Fighter – I demand to see the manager!
Jake as Abelas the gimpy Wizard – I suck at everything!
Mike as Regulus the Artificer – Wait.. I’m the healer AND the rogue?!
Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – Erm… 26 to hit?
Author’s note: These reviews are more-or-less, roughly, approximately what happened. Players actions (and often the DM’s!) will be exaggerated, misreported, and be taken entirely out of context because it’s funny.
Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval
Times are tough in The North. After recent problems with dragons, cults are rising and giants are stirring. In the south of the Sword Coast a group of adventurers set out from Daggerford heading to the fortified village of Nightstone where they heard there was work to be found.
Pre-session Guff
The DM reminded a certain person that he was still pissed off about a certain group buying up all the bacon butties from the canteen on D&D day and thus depriving the DM of much needed nourishment. The DM remembers and the DM holds grudges.
Stats for the new characters were rolled as follows: roll 3d6 for each attribute in turn, re-roll any 1’s, if it comes up 1 again, tough; clearly the gods hate you and you are stuck with it.
Matt rolled high in everything (makes a change) with his lowest scores being 13 in both Con & Cha. He has chosen to go with an Earth Genasi Fighter called Clay
Mike rolled high Int, average Str and decent in everything else and has chosen a Warforged Artificer which the DM is really looking forward to seeing develop as we haven’t played with one before.
Jake rolled high(ish) Int, average Str, Con & Wis and pretty atrocious in Dex and Cha. He has gone Elven Bladesinger Wizard called Abelas because he likes to set the DM a challenge <sigh>. I have a sneaking suspicion this will be a bit of a power-house by the end of the campaign (if he survives!) but I could be wrong. For now though, he’s the gimpy elf with low AC, low HP, low melee damage and only two spell slots.
Adam got high Str, decent Dex, Int & Wis, average Cha and low Con. He started with a female Half-Orc Tempest Cleric called Q’Aren that later changed to a Fighter. Don’t be surprised if Q’Aren is a Swashbuckling bard by the end of the campaign (or even by the end of the month).
Christina rolled high Dex (17!) and Int, decent Con, Wis & Charisma and only 8 Str. After some mulling about with input from everyone, Elivira, an Air Genasi Arcane Archer fighter was created. The DM is running the exact same race/class combo in his home campaign and can vouch for the efficacy of this build. It’s hitting for +8 with a longbow at level 1! But when are you ever realistically going to use that Air-Genasi Levitate ability right?
So, we have 3 of 5 party members that can’t see in the dark and no one with both Stealth and Darkvision. Eh, it’ll be fine.
Nightstone
The group travelled from Daggerford to the Nightstone turnoff as caravan guards and collected their pay of 15g each before departing from the High Road. It was only supposed to be 10 but Q’Aren demanded to see the manager and spent so long arguing with him, he gave up and paid the extra.
Nightstone is named after a large chunk of obsidian that stands in the centre of the town square. It has strange glyphs and markings carved into it but the locals just feel it is a relic of a bygone age and ignore it.
Nightstone village itself is situated on a large island in the river. The island is surrounded by a wooden palisade and access is via a drawbridge on the western side. South of the village and on a separate island is a cone-shaped, flat-topped hill with a stone keep built upon it. The keep is connected to the village by a wooden bridge.
As the party approach the drawbridge, they can see it is lowered and the sound of a bell can be heard ringing over and over. Footprints near the drawbridge were examined and found to be of a large group of humanoids heading out of the village the previous day, and a small number of goblins heading into the village earlier that morning.
This could be ruff!
As the party enter the village over the drawbridge they immediately notice several things:
– Large rocks, 3ft in diameter, litter the village with several having crushed buildings.
– The bell is sounding from a church to the left
– The nightstone is missing and only a 5ft deep hole remains in the middle of the square
– Two very large Worgs are feasting on the corpse of a dog
The two Worgs, Growler and Snatch (sorry), spot the group and immediately charge across the square towards them. Combat was fairly brutal with the Worgs hitting for 10 damage against level 1 characters with low, low hit points.
Clay got nailed twice and hit the floor unconscious.
FIGHTER DOWN!
The Worgs missed the rest of their attacks and were, eventually, summarily dispatched by the party with the one notable exchange being the ‘gimpy’ wizard running in and smacking Snatch on the head with a quarterstaff for a remarkably large amount of damage.
Growler and Snatch were eventually defeated and the bruised and bloodied adventurers withdrew from the village for a short rest to recover some hit die.
Bong Bong Bong
Having had a nice cup of tea and a chat about what kind of twat puts two 10-damage mobs as the first encounter in a new campaign, the adventurers bravely returned to the village of doom. They examined the drawbridge on the way in and found it was controlled by two winches in separate guard towers.
Both winches had to be operated at the same time to raise or lower the drawbridge. The party decided to raise the drawbridge. On the plus side, nothing can get in, on the down side, if things go pear-shaped, they won’t be getting out.
This decision with the drawbridge has consequences, as will be seen later.
They proceeded to enter the church. The main area was empty but whoever was ringing the bell was in the back room behind a half open door.
Way back at the dawn of time, an adventure was run called The Mines of Phandelver. In that adventure, within the Redbrand hideout, a lot of hard lessons were learned about the right way, and the wrong way, to enter a room that might have hostiles in it.
Obviously, all of those lessons have been completely forgotten. And so, instead of kicking the door open and gaining a surprise round on whoever was in there, they just opened the door and strolled in because they didn’t want to surprise the occupants if they were friendly.
<sigh>
As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said “It’s a fucking door. You can’t sneak through it because they’ll see it open so you have two choices. Either aim a bunch of pointy things at and knock on it or kick it the fuck in. If you kick it the fuck in, the worst thing that’ll happen is an apology and a mending spell. The best thing that’ll happen is you get to spend the first turn pounding face with no retaliation!”
The group totally failed to gain tactical surprise and met a pair of goblins merrily hanging off the bell rope. Pointy things were merrily exchanged and the gimpy wizard killed one of them. The second goblin, surrounded by big angry fighters, disengaged to gain line of sight on the gimpy wizard and fired his shortbow at him.
- Q’Aren > Shouldn’t that be as disadvantage because he’s next to Regulus?
- DM> No!
- Regulus> Because DM cheese!
- DM> Absolutely!
Look, the rules clearly state that a goblin that has taken the disengage action at the start of the second round of combat whilst in a church on a Thursday and is standing next to a Warforged and is targeting an elf with 10 Dex or less and is clearly going to die horribly on the next round, does not suffer disadvantage on ranged attacks. It’s in the UA! Trust me, I’m a DM.
The goblin missed by a mile and was put down on the next turn.
Strange, there’s no one here
Now that blessed silence had fallen across the island, they headed for the next building along, the Nightstone Inn.
Inside it was apparent that one of the falling rocks had hit the inn and crashed down into the common room, depositing some furniture through the large hole in the ceiling. On the floor inside was a dead goblin with a crossbow bolt sticking out of it. Medical checks revealed it was only recently killed.
Scavenging in the kitchen was a harmless goblin called Gum-Gum. The brave adventurers slaughtered the terrified 7HP goblin as she tried to run limp away with her meagre sack of food.
The group headed upstairs and searched the bedrooms. The gimpy wizard specifically looked under the bed that the Zhentarim spy was hiding under but rolled such a crap perception check, her stealth check easily beat it and she was not spotted. It’s all ok though, I’m sure that won’t have consequences.
Just Because
And then Clay asked “Can I look out the window?” The DM tried really, really hard to come up with a reason why not but having the windows boarded up didn’t make sense and they could just rip the boards off anyway, and if the window were somehow locked they would have just broken it so, reluctantly, the DM agreed that yes, Mr Awkward could in fact look out of the bloody window.
Consequently, the party spotted the two goblins in the adjacent field and, because acting before thinking is in fashion at the moment, they all decided to shoot shit at the two tiny, fast-moving, AC15 goblins that were 60ft away despite the fact that it’s a really small window and the goblins are quite a ways off and the party are just generally a bit shit at ranged combat at these levels <sigh>
The goblins, unscathed by the poorly aimed and poorly thought out ranged attacks, ran away behind the stable. The party exited the inn and chased them behind the stable only to find they had vanished.
Goblins are twats
They entered the stable and got ambushed by the goblin that was supposed to be there and the two that had now run in from the field. Instead of engaging them in the field with surprise, they now got to face three prepared goblins hiding above them in the hayloft behind cover from the hay bails. Nice.
Adam did something smart enough to raise a comment from the DM but I forgot what it was. Unfortunately, he then reverted to form by being unable to understand the following diagram:
Despite having a degree in digital forensics, and being a pretty switched-on person outside of D&D, Adam had some trouble understanding the difference in elevation and so the DM, without a single trace of sarcasm, explained to him how it worked:
DM> See this bit? It’s labelled the ‘Grouuunnd Floor’. That means it is on the grouuunnd. See this bit? This is the looooft. That means it is above the grouuunnnd floor! I know it’s hard but if you concentrate….
This went on for some time.
Adam was unimpressed.
Digging the little bastards out of the hayloft was quite difficult and the tactic of ‘Fuck it, charge!’ was quite effective but meant lots of arrows were absorbed on the way up the ladders to the goblins. The fight ended with a few messed up adventurers and Q’Aren on only one hit point. It was time to have a chat with management!
Now look here you!
The DM pointed out how much trouble they had attacking the place, which meant it was quite defensible and a short rest was taken to regain more hit die. During this, Q’Aren has a word with her deity Gruumsh One Eye and complained about the poor performance of her level 1 Cleric abilities. Gruumsh agreed to relieve her of those very abilities she was unhappy with and thus, Q’Aren became a fighter.
So now the party has no Cleric. It’ll be fine though, I’m sure.
It’s Miller Time!
The rest of the houses were searched and a crypt was opened. The Lionshield Coster was robbed scavenged ‘liberated’ of some of its cheaper merchandise but there was a vault. Regulus was asked to try and pick the lock prompting the response “Wait.. I’m now the healer AND the rogue?!”
Most of the houses were robbed scavenged ‘liberated’ of whatever valuables the goblins had missed. A couple of minor fights took place and then they approached the windmill.
Two little shits bunkered down goblins hiding in the rafters of the windmill, opened fire on the players as they crossed the road 60ft away. Q’Aren immediately charged all the way to the windmill while the others opened up on the goblins and, aided by Elvira’s longbow and +8 to hit, managed to kill one of them.
Q’Aren meanwhile charged up the inside of the windmill and shoulder-charged the last goblin off the roof. It died from the fall and Q’Aren screamed a war cry of pure self-righteousness. The others were impressed!
You’re all missing something
With the last of the goblins eliminated and the village secure the group gains level 2!
The only remaining unexplored area is the keep but there is a 15ft gap in the bridge caused by damage from one of the falling rocks. The DM watched amused as the group made exactly the mistake he did when they launched into an intricate plan to jump across with ropes attached and build a temporary bridge with the ladders from the stable. It was all very impressive.
Then the DM told them they had forgotten something. Having thought about it for a bit they realised that Elvira, as an Air-Genasi, can cast levitate. Because, like, when is that ever going to be useful, right? Right.
Levitation and bridge building commenced and they gained access to the keep.
The DM is a dick
The keep had been hit particularly hard by the falling rocks and one wing was demolished. A dining table bore the body of a noble lady and nearby, four guards were arguing about what to do.
Non-violent greetings were exchanged and the guards were mightily relieved to see the adventurers. They explained that the day before a large floating castle had appeared over the keep and four giants started dropping the large rocks. The village was designed to be defended from the ground and has no defence against the air assault.
A rock took out the bridge early in the attack cutting off most of the guards from the village. The villagers subsequently fled to some bat cave about a mile to the north. A handful of guards caught outside the keep went with them.
Once the village was evacuated, the four giants descended into the village square, dug up the Nightstone and took it back to the castle. The castle then departed to the east. The goblins turned up the next morning.
- Regulus> Can I ask some questions?
- DM> Sure
- Regulus> Which way did the castle fly off?
- DM> <sigh>
Some more questions were asked and answered and it was decided that the guards would stay and protect the village while the party attempted to go and find the villagers. As they were departing, and because the DM is a dick, the DM mentioned the really valuable looking ring that Lady Nandar’s corpse was currently wearing on its left hand.
This prompted the expected lengthy discussion where Adam/Q’Aren attempts to twist all logic and reason into an argument that lets her have the ring. It didn’t work.
There’s always one…
The next part of the adventure can change quite a bit depending on what factions everyone belongs to and we hadn’t quite gotten that ironed out just yet, so it was time to do it now.
“At least I don’t have to plan the Zhentarim content” thought the DM
Not even my players are stupid enough to pick a faction that will immediately put them at odds with the rest of the party for the entire campaign, right? Right. Well, Mike might because he’s new (relatively) and hasn’t seen how the others operate yet.
- DM> I need to know your faction alignments.
- Abelas> Er.. the Greenpeace ones…
- DM> Emerald Enclave?
- Abelas> Yes, those.
- Clay> Me too!
- “Great, double tree-huggers” thought the DM
- Regulus> Um.. Zhentarim… no… Harpers… no Zhentarim.. no. wait.. Harpers!
- <three hours later>
- Regulus> Harpers! Definitely, positively Harpers!
- The DM thinks “Well that was close but at least we haven’t had anyone stupid enough to…”
- Q’Aren> Zhentarim all the way!
- <sigh>
Several players later reported clearly hearing the DM’s head hitting his desk even though his microphone was muted.
Snakes on a plain!
(sorry… not sorry)
As they all crossed the makeshift bridge back into the village, they could hear a commotion taking place at the gates. A Zhentarim gang called the Seven Snakes has arrived at the village to meet the Zhentarim spy the gimpy elf missed in the Inn, Kella Darkhope. The Snakes are led by No’Baconne Beutay, a charming ruthless man with an intense dislike of Earth-Genasi after one did him wrong in the past.
Kella’s task was, with the help of the Snakes, to destabilise the village by sowing discord and undermining Lady Nandar. The Zhentarim would then take over the village and use it as part of their Black network.
Kella is attempting to lower the drawbridge and let in the Snakes but it takes two to operate it. She is calling out to No’Baccone as the group arrive.
The party arrive and Kella recognises Q’Aren as a fellow Zhentarim. Elvira and Abelas take up defensive positions while Q’Aren goes forward to talk to Kella. Remulus and Clay follow behind Q’Aren.
Kella explains the situation regarding the overall presence of the Snakes and their plans for Nightstone. Q’Aren obviously wants to lower the drawbridge and hand over the village <sigh>.
The four guards go all ‘over-our-dead-bodies‘ and occupy the other guard tower cutting off access to the other winch.
Abelas gives Q’Aren some advice on strategic negotiations but Q’Aren politely declined the advice with “YOU’RE NOT HERE! Fuck off, little wizard-bitch!”. This was considered somewhat harsh, but funny, by those listening in.
A protracted negotiation then took place. Not between the protagonists in the game but between the players. The DM had not previously said that joining the Zhentarim was a bad idea because he didn’t think he had to. Oh well.
The DM did then gently explain, as he has had to explain at the start of every single campaign so far, that D&D is game to be played co-operatively. That means if you play a stupid-evil alignment that goes against the party all the time, it just doesn’t work and you’ll end up getting kicked from the party.
If, for example, you choose to join the fucking mafia when the rest of the party play like law enforcement, you are going to have conflicts. Those conflicts are never going to be resolved in your favour. You don’t have to choose party over faction, but if you don’t, you get to go and play in your own campaign where the Zhentarim ignore the giants and try to make money off the misery they cause instead. That actually might be quite a good campaign but it aint the one we are playing right now.
Once this was explain (again) Q’Aren had to reluctantly tell a rather disappointed No’Baconne Beutay that the village was defended and was going to stay that way. No’Baconne agreed to withdraw as long as they let Kella go. This was agreed all around, the Zhentarim withdrew, the drawbridge was lowered and Kella was released. The Seven Snakes rode off promising to see the party again and not in a nice ‘lets all have a drink in a tavern’ way either.
The guards offered to keep watch while the party rested in the inn and they agree to go look for the villagers the next morning.
End of session!
Next time on Ten-foot Squares:
– Will everyone remember Elvira’s levitate ability the next time there’s a bit of gap to be crossed?
– Will Adam want to change character yet again when his level 2 Fighter does not live up to his expectations?
– Regulus went to bed promising to tinker with his bits. What will be the result?
– How is the DM going to fix the gimpy elf?!!!
Tune in next week to find out!