Starring Avengers Anonymoose:
- Mike as Regulus the Artificer – A gnome?! Really?!
- Adam as Joffrey the Druid – What exactly have I joined in on here?!
- Kraj as Celdar the Rogue – The DM is getting fixed!
- Jake as Abelas the Wizard – And he was one day from retirement too!
- Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – I can just see snow and trees, is that right?
With:
Gary as the DM – Have I got to read out that fucking wanted poster again?!
Author’s Note: This is session with a lot of travel and DM exposition (mostly not included) and is quite a short write up for a change.
That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!
Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval
– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).
– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.
– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.
– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.
Pre-session Guff
Kraj has caught himself a summer cold. The DM was very sympathetic.
Old school MMOs were discussed, the types where you had to walk 10 miles uphill barefoot in the snow to do a corpse run. Some things are better left dead.
Once a few people had joined, the DM took his players to task over a WhatsApp incident during the week. Chris has said that he was nearly named Nick after Niki Lauda and the DM had responded with “Well you’ve certainly got the face for it”. Nothing. Tumbleweed. It may not be a legendary burn but its certainly up there as a contender for Burn of the Week award but responses, there were none.
So it turns out Mike hadn’t seen it and no one else knew who Niki Lauda was <sigh>
- Mike> Fair warning, in two weeks I won’t be here because I’m attending my niece’s wedding.
- DM> Right, you’ve forgotten what is happening in two weeks time then?
- Mike> Ummm… a wedding?
- DM> <sigh>
- Kraj> <gleefully> The DM is getting fixed!
- Jake> He has very clearly forgotten what is happening in two weeks time.
- DM> I get my bile bag…
- Mike> Oh, yeah, yeah…
- DM> …on Tuesday. So I am not going to be running a session…
- Mike> Oh for fuck sake!
- <laughter>
- DM> …two days after a fucking operation!
- Mike> <sigh> Lazy bastard..
- <laughter>
- Mike> We ask one thing…
- Jake> All we demand is that you come home early from hospital after a major operation and talk to us!
Good times.
The DM pointed out that we had successfully negotiated pre-session guff without mentioning Brexit, Trump, BLM, Critical Race Theory, vaccines or any other controversial topics (don’t worry, I get it all in later) and we started the session.
Mirabar
The DM singularly failed to pronounce “The river Mirar” despite several attempts and so after the fourth or fifth incident of “The rivar mirrera.. oh fuck it!” he just gave up and told the players to read the map themselves.
This was going to be a long session.
The adventurers (and Jake) cross the bridge and enter the city. They give their letter of introduction from the Lord of Xantharl’s Keep and are directed to the city guard offices where they collect their 5,000gp reward for capturing The Weevil.
The Mirabar teleport circle is located and activated so they can now come here any time. The rulers of Mirabar would be very unhappy if they knew the circle was there so the Harpers keep it hidden in the loft of a barn.
Travel was planned and it seems Jake can’t see the glowing green quest lights on the map <sigh>. The DM abandons technology and sticks a green flag on Bryn Shander instead. Jake can see that fine.
Jake was, of course, roundly abused for having a supercomputer that can’t even show glowy lights in TTS.
- Jake> I vividly remember taking the piss out of Kraj for this and now I regret it.
- Kraj> Karma’s a bitch!
- DM> Karma is sitting on her sofa somewhere enjoying a nice cup of tea and a biscuit and having a right good giggle.
They use the teleport circles to go and pay off their 2,000g debt to Chazza Chazluath (Totally Not a Dragon) in Waterdeep and then return to Mirabar.
Regulus has a chat with the local Harper network and is promptly informed of that which he should have known in the first place; if you want to know about a legendary frost giant that was part of an adventuring group you should probably ask a bard and not a spy.
They locate a well-to-do tavern called the Gilded Meelay and approach the gnome bard during a break:
- DM> You approach, introduce yourselves and ask your information
- Bard> Wet my whistle and we will see what we will see!
- Regulus> I thought he was playing a harp or something but he’s got a whistle!
- <silence>
- <a forlorn bit of tumble weed blows across the stage>
- Bard> My name is Aloybarz Zoddlehaddle..
- Regulus> Alloooybaz… Zoddle.. Haddleow?
- DM> Bless you online gnomish name generator!
- Regulus> <flatly> He’s a gnome?
- DM> Yes.
- Regulus> Right, fuck off, we’ll go somewhere else!
- <mystified laughter>
- Regulus> A gnome?! Really?! <heavy sigh> Right, fine, I’ll buy him a drink.
So it turns out Mike really hates gnomes. The DM promptly adds a line to his DM’s Things To Do list (yes, that really exists): “Make entire town of uptight demanding gnome Karens with a quest chain vital to main quest progression. With in-party gnome NPCs”
One thing is for certain; there’s going to be a lot more gnomes in this campaign than the authors envisaged!
Aloybarz informs them that the giant in question is called Harshnag and he used to run with an adventuring group called The Grey Hands about a decade before. The Grey Hands were based in Waterdeep and famously helped defend the city on several occasions.
As a rule Harshnag tends to avoid human civilisation with the exception of Waterdeep which he still calls the home but he isn’t seen there much.
- DM> Aloybarz adopts a bardic pose and dramatically pronounces “He was a particularly surly frost giant with skin as white as snow! Eyes as blue as the ice! And pale blue hair tied back in a warrior’s braid!
- Regulus> So not like all the other storm giants that aren’t surly?
- <interestingly, storm giants are generally considered to be contemplative, benevolent and wise>
- DM> You haven’t met many frost giants…
- Regulus> That is true but I’m going make a stab in the dark, which is what he’s going to get when he finishes work, and suggest that maybe they are all surly.
- <Adam finally decides to turn up>
- Aloybarz> Maybe a little more lubrication would help?
- Joffrey> What exactly have I joined in on here?!
- <laughter>
- Celdar> A gnome that wants to drink your milk!
- DM> It is probably best you weren’t here. Things have gone remarkably well for one of your group conversations! Regulus wants to kill the source of information on the frost giant.
- Regulus> Yes, yes, but not until we have GOT the information! <sigh> I’ll buy him a double.
Aloybarz chugs the double milk, announces he is inspired and his memory is jogged. He sings for the group the ballad of Harshnag the White.
The DM did not, and will not, under any circumstances, sing. Be happy about this.
Harshang was thrown out of his clan in The Spine of the World for his demeanour which was far too gentle. So he wandered south to explore the world where he was intercepted by the Grey Hands who were so impressed with the conversation they invited him to join them. Harshnag lived in a cave in Mount Sar and was summoned to the group by the party wizard.
Obviously they had a proper wizard who could do proper wizardy stuff like that.
At some point during the 14th century, Harshnag was gifted the Legendary Greataxe of Gurt, the Lord of the Pale Giants, by Lord Piergeiron, in recognition for his service to the city of Waterdeep.
The Grey Hands retired some years ago having all become fabulously wealthy. It is unknown what Harshnag has been doing since.
It turns out the Grey Hand members all rather inconveniently retired to locations the adventurers (and Jake) cannot get to like the Feywild and the Moonshae Isles. Shame really.
Remembering is Hard
- Celdar> Do we know why they wanted the Weevil?
- DM> <deep sigh>
The DM has read the wanted poster for the Weevil to the players FOUR FUCKING TIMES so far in the last few sessions.
Also, what the flying fuck does it matter now?! The fucking Weevil is gone, dead, history, reward paid, no longer pertinent to any investigation, more absent than Biden’s faculties, more MIA than BoJo’s parenting responsibilities, more overlooked than the implications of BLM supporting footballers going to fucking Qatar for the World Cup, more missing than the media’s investigation into Hunter Biden’s laptop and less impactful than the effect Boris will have on the temperature of the planet after spending trillions! What the actual flying fuck has the Weevil got to do with anything anymore?
- DM> Have I got to read out that fucking wanted poster again?!
- Celdar> Nah, don’t worry about it.
- DM> No, no, I’m finding it now! Fuck you!
- Regulus> I’ll ask the Gnomish Pontification System if it knows why the Weevil was wanted!
- <The DM reads the entire wanted poster in the squeaky GPS voice>
- Abelas> He called your bluff!
- Regulus> He did, and that was going above and beyond!
- DM> And we will now come back next week when my voice has come back!
Kraj has no idea what the GPS is since apparently he couldn’t be arsed to read the handful of previous episodes in the campaign that happened before he joined. There’s only like 25 of them or something, shocking lack of commitment.
Road Trip
The adventurers (and Jake) set out for Bryn Shander. It’s quite a trip and the first leg takes them down the Blackford Road to Luskan.
Luskan – I won’t paste the Luskan description in here for brevity and because it doesn’t actually matter, they are just passing through. Suffice it to say that Luskan is a shit hole pirate town best know for Drikk-Fra Kar’s School for Gifted Young Adventurers but even that has moved to Neverwinter now.
Hundlestone – A small town perched on the mountainside. It is the last stop of ‘civilisation’ before entering Icewind Dale or the first welcome stop when leaving. The group stock up on cold weather clothing. Joffrey wants white winter gear obviously but they don’t have any. The locals suggest he just stand around in the snow for a bit. The DM suggests he just buy white dye in any major town. Clay made another contribution to the War Wagon Widows and Orphans fund to buy gear for everyone.
Bryn Shander
Bryn Shander is the largest of ten settlements known collectively as Ten-Towns, located in the frigid heart of Icewind Dale. Here, caravans from the south converge with traders from across Icewind Dale to swap goods and rumours. Fishers, trappers, furriers, and sellswords rub elbows in the town’s taprooms, and gruff dwarves, wide-eyed travellers, and skulking ne’er-do-wells wander its streets. Merchants from the south trade dyes, hardwood, dried herbs and spices, textiles, fruits, wines, and other commodities for scrimshaw and other items made from the bones of the knucklehead trout that populate the region’s rivers and lakes.
The town is situated atop a hill south of the mountain known as Kelvin’s Cairn, a major landmark in Icewind Dale. From its windswept perch, Bryn Shander has a commanding view of the surrounding tundra, and an attacking force must climb the barren hillside under fire from archers before it can assault the outer wall. The circular wall that surrounds Bryn Shander stands 30 feet high and is made of tight-fitting stone blocks. Defenders stand atop a planked walkway that hugs interior of the wall. Spaced along the wall are stone watchtowers, wherein guards can take shelter during blizzards and warm their hands and feet by iron stoves.
The buildings of Bryn Shander are plain wooden structures with pitched rooftops to keep snow from settling on them. Clouds of white smoke issue forth day and night from stone chimneys and holes in rooftops.
Each community in Ten-Towns has an elected speaker who leads the residents and represents their interests. The current speaker of Bryn Shander is Duvessa Shane. She has appointed Markham Southwell as her sheriff, making him responsible for training the town’s militia and keeping the peace.
A sheriff’s deputy named Augrek Brighthelm is standing watch at the southwest gate. She has a well-rehearsed speech which she gives to the adventurers (and Jake) that makes some of the other guards at the gate roll their eyes: “Well met, travellers! Keep yer fingers and extremities under wraps, lest Auril bite them off! Mind yer tempers, and you’ll be most welcome here! Brought goods to sell? The market lies straight ahead. Craving a warm drink? May I recommend a drop of Firebeard’s Firebrandy, sold only at Kelvin’s Comfort, located on yer right as you enter the market square!”
Regulus obtains directions to the workshop of Igor Flintbrow but as they pass through the market a young homeless woman makes contact with the Harper and turns out to be the local Harper contact. The main news in Bryn Shander is the absence of the Speaker. She is away attending a conference with the other speakers of the Ten Towns discussing the recent aggression by the frost giants. She took a good sized chunk of the town guards with her, including most of the veterans so the town defences are only lightly defended and mostly by less experienced guards.
Shopping and Drinking
Igor agrees to build the warforged dog for just the material costs but he warns that a component is missing; a power source in the chest plate. He doesn’t know what it is but the adventurers (and Jake) will know it when they see it; it’ll be glowing!
The DM pressed them to think of a name for the wagon. They came up with a number of variations on “The Flying/Flaming/Falling Wizard”. They have time to think about it.
Joffrey buys a white yeti coat for 40g <sigh>.
They press the button on the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion and the Bag of Tricks (Grey) becomes a Bag of Tricks (Purple). It works the same as the Grey but the owner can choose instead to summon any creature of their choice, once per day, for ten minutes only. This makes it still relevant as we head into the mid-section of the campaign.
The go to a tavern in the market called Kelvin’s Comfort and Abelas is approached by a member of the Emerald Enclave who informs him about a member of the guild in Fireshear who is training people to ride griffins.
- DM> At a table near the bar is a full-plated knight whose shield bears the symbol of Tyr, god of law and justice. He appears to have quite a heavy cold.
- Joffrey> Let’s go and offer him a tissue shall we?
- Celdar> Give him a brandy, warm him up!
- DM> <sigh> So they give you the description of the knight in the book, it is eight lines. His little story is eight lines. The last line is “he has adopted the guise of an unemployed caravan guard”. So not the first line…
- <laughter>
- DM> …which would tell the DM he is in disguise <sigh>. Oh well, he’s an undisguised Knight of Tyr now.
Joffrey buys a local fire brandy for everyone. This turns out to be fairly cheap rot gut rebranded as a premium whiskey. Joffrey orders milk to make a cocktail. The bartender is rather scathing and asks the druid if he has seen any cows during his stay in Icewind Dale.
Regulus gets some oil from the kitchen made from nuts. Which was nice.
They join the knight at his table and he enquires why they are in Icewind Dale. They are evasive and don’t mention the giants. When asked what brings him to Bryn Shander he introduces himself as Baric Nyleaf, Knight of Tyr and member of the Order of the Gauntlet.
Sir Baric is hunting the leader of a gang of bandits that have been raiding the local mines. It turns out the bandit leader has a taste for the local fire-brandy and so Baric has been camped out in the inn waiting to see if he will turn up. The bandit is known as… The Weevil.
The adventurers (and Jake) explain that The Weevil has been captured and Baric is delighted as he can now go home. Fire-brandy is ordered for everyone but suddenly, and as a complete surprise, alarm bells start ringing in the town!
- Regulus> Aaaw, you’ve given us his name now so he’s going to die!
- Abelas> And he was one day from retirement too!
- DM> He was short man!
Another dreadfully cold day in Icewind Dale has you bundled up in your warmest furs. Bryn Shander’s market square bustles with knucklehead trout fishers selling their finest scrimshaw to traders from the south, while other common folk warm their hands and faces by small campfires. Everywhere across town, people are trudging through snow-covered streets on errands. The town’s outer walls block the worst of the wind, but not all of it. A sudden blast occasionally catches everyone by surprise, causing shivers and grumbling all around.
The mood of the town changes abruptly. Something is amiss. Pedestrians are vacating the square with great haste, disappearing into their hovels. As spear-toting guards with grim faces move with purpose toward the southwest gate, you hear a booming voice from that direction as it calls out, “Surrender Artus Cimber or die!”
Spanking It
We switched to Talespire and the DM mentioned an arctic tundra map he found that was half a mile wide. The players immediately wanted to see it so we derailed everything for twenty minutes while that got loaded up and played with. Quite remarkably, Christina’s laptop did not explode: “I can just see is snow and trees, is that right?” Yes, yes it is, welcome to Icewind Dale.
As they approach the gatehouse they see a young guardsman fleeing the other way screaming “The frost giants are invading!”. The sheriff, a formidable looking human warrior, is looking over the ramparts as fourteen frost giants arrive at the walls…
- Regulus> Are we supposed to be able to see the giants Gary?
- DM> <sigh>
Having employed Leroy the spotter owl to fix Talespire’s limited view range issues once more, the DM briefly diverts into a discussion about the physical shape of Olympic weight lifters and then returns to the plot.
There are only two guards and Augrek on the ramparts and she is grateful that assistance has arrived. Nine of the frost giants proceed to encircle the town leaving four giant bodyguards, two winter wolves and the female frost giant leader at the south-west gate. She continues to loudly demand Artus Cimber.
The sheriff explains that he has no idea who Artus Cimber is and that he needs to go and organise the defence of the other gates and see if anyone knows the man. He tells the group that if the giants attack and they defeat them, they will be rewarded and can keep any valuables the giants have. The leader in particular has a large jewel encrusted warhorn.
- Joffrey> Its probably the size of our wizard isn’t it?
- DM> It is fucking enormous, yes.
- Regulus> But it could be mounted on the battle wagon!
- <Laughter, ooh’s and aah’s as this idea gains much approval>
At this point the players notice that the remaining two gate guards are named Redshirt1 and Redshirt2.
Baris wanders up the stairs to the parapet and when he sees the giants he gleefully exclaims “Oh this is going to be glorious!”
The frost giant leader, Drufi, loses patience and blows her war horn. The five giants advance to within 100feet of the walls. One throws a rock which impacts the parapet right next to the mounted crossbow manned by the two redshirts who are sent flying with broken bones.
Augrek runs to the back of the wall and points at a nearby citizen and orders her to bring a cleric from the temple.
End of Session.
Next time on Ten-foot Squares:
- – Baric is short man! Will he survive?!
- – Who is Artus Cimber and why is he important?
- – How are they going to deal with 5 frost giants?
Tune in next week to find out!