SKT Episode 30: The Chase (lol nub/I didn’t think it through!)

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Adam as Joffrey the Sssuprisser – Do it!
Mike as Regulus the Impenetrable – WHAT?!
Kraj as Celdar the ~~Deaf~~ Eventual Loader of Crossbows – Because Dex is his strongest stat!
Jake as Abelas the ~~Deaf~~ Non-Thinker of Things Through – Oh no! I’ve made a terrible mistake!

With:

Gary as the DM – I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to fall off the wagon!

Author’s Note: This session features a very experimental vehicle chase and we haven’t done anything like it before in D&D, let alone in Talespire which we are all still learning to use.

A while ago the DM promised Joffrey that he would send them to The Maelstrom at some point in this campaign and that will need a ship. So obviously ship combat will be a thing and this is a good excuse to test out the basic mechanics.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Christina couldn’t make it because she has homework.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Mike joined just as the DM, who now has food poisoning because fuck 2021, was telling Kraj (in far more detail than Kraj wanted to know) about the specifics of taking a stool sample while being nauseous:

DM> .. and after that the whole thing went quite ‘smoothly’! Get it?
Kraj> I think Mike joined at just the right time there!
Mike> Yeah… because that didn’t sound dodgy at all…

Mask effectiveness, mandatory vaccinations, lies about Trump and even Brexit were discussed while we waited for Adam and Matt to turn up. Nothing contentious at all really. Eventually we gave up on Matt and started the session.

Phat Lootz!

The DM summoned his minions to the Xantharl’s Keep board:

DM> Do we know where Matt is?
Jake> No idea.
DM> I made a magic item for him.
Adam> If you’re not here you can’t claim it!
Mike> Is it a longsword of druid-slaying? I’m just saying, any of us could use that…
DM> No, no, it’s a throwing stick. It’s a throwing stick called Bakinna-Sek.
<laughter>
Jake> <laughing> Of course, it’s a fucking boomerang!

Bakinna-Sek – Weapon (boomerang), Rare

Not Actually a Boomerang +2

Bakinna-Sek deals 1d6 additional slashing damage and the effective range is increased by 10ft per point of Strength modifier.

This large throwing stick is carved from a deep red cherry wood and inscribed with the dwarven runes for ‘interruption’ and ‘timing’. This throwing stick resembles a boomerang but with one arm longer than the other and it is sharpened along the inner edge. It is also surprisingly heavy. One side is flat and the other is carved in an aerofoil, allowing the stick to be thrown a considerable distance and yet still hit with surprising force. It does not return when thrown.

A bonus action can be used to summon Bakinna-Sek back to the hand of the person who threw it.

The boomerang is a ranged weapon, and any creature proficient with the javelin is also proficient with this weapon.

Okay, so it does 1d4 blunt plus 1d6 slashing plus 2 to attack and damage rolls, plus you add your Str mod to the damage. It has a base range of 60/120ft increasing by 10ft per Str mod point. This also satisfies the DM’s issue with ranged trip-attack cheese because if you get hit by this thing, getting knocked on your arse is quite appropriate.

If you are interested in this kind of thing, Shadiversity’s videos are pretty great:

DM> Okay then, the Lord of the keep suggests you stay overnight in the inn…
Mike> Er, Gary… I’m not in the map…
Jake> Yes, can you let us in?
DM> <deep sigh> Needy fucking players…
Jake> I know, I know.
DM> <Adopting his whiny player voice> Please Mister DM, can we come to the board and play?

The ~~snowflakes~~ players were duly summoned to the board we were actually playing on.

The adventurers (and Jake) stayed overnight in the inn and the following morning the Lord’s seneschal delivers two magic items:

1) Bakinna-Sek, which was for Matt but now belongs to Joffrey the Magpie because he could be bothered to turn up.

2) An old eleven longsword that the seneschal explains has been in the Lord’s possession for over 20 years and he cannot get it to awaken so he gifts it to Abelas to see if he can do anything with it. It is a Moonblade.

Abelas> What the fuck is a Moonblade?
DM> You should probably look that up, it’s a legendary weapon. Well, right now it’s just a longsword.
Abelas> Aaaaw!
Joffrey> I’m pretty sure Selune made that for you. You should thank her!
DM> <sigh>
Adam> I’m just reading this fandom thing: it won’t serve anyone it regards as craven, erratic, corrupt, or at odds with preserving and protecting elvenkind.
Mike> <starts laughing>
DM> <smugly> Yeah!
Adam> If the blade rejects you, you make ability checks, attack rolls, and saving throws with disadvantage for 24 hours.
Mike> Well played Gary!
DM> I thought so!
Jake> <laughing> Is this how you are going to make me adventure?
Mike> No, it’s how he’s going to punish you for killing prisoners.
Jake> OH FUCK OFF! That was a mad… evil woman.. who worshipped dark gods!
<Nerve → touched?>

The DM explains that he actually thought of putting the Moonblade in game right at the start before Jake developed Abelas’s less than adventurous side, so all that is just one of those happy little coincidences. It may also help the DM get the party to go somewhere they may not go to otherwise.

Road Trip

The next day, Regulus reluctantly heals the Weevil before the adventurers (and Jake) set out the following morning and he is securely shackled to the floor of the wagon.

Regulus has a chat with the keep blacksmith and the group purchase three heavy mounted crossbows that the fit to the wagon, one on each side and one on the rear.

DM> These require a bonus action to load, an action to fire, they have +5 To-Hit and deal a flat 20 damage. At the start of combat they are not loaded.

The crossbows cost 20g each and Clay’s contribution to the War Wagon Widows and Orphans fund is greatly appreciated.

Its about a two-day trip to Mirabar and the road meanders through some low hills before finally emerging on a plain where the road runs straight for some distance before crossing the Mirar River via a heavily guarded bridge.

Their journey to deliver the Weevil to ~~a big pay day~~ justice is uneventful for the first day but as they emerge from the low hills onto the plain, an orc chieftain riding a giant hyena is spotted shadowing them from a low hill to their right, some distance away. He blows a war horn and ten similarly mounted orcs stream down from the hill to attack the wagon from the right side.

The wagon is about 8-12 turns from the bridge. A normal gallop will reduce that distance by one whereas a dash will reduce it by two.

Regulus takes the driving role and is responsible for when to dash the horses. The driver can also choose to drive evasively which will not use a dash but will make the wagon harder to hit.

As the driver, Regulus is stuck out front on the seat but he does gain a +2AC from the armoured side panels. Abelas (A.K.A ‘Pincusion’) elects to take the shotgun seat so he can cast spells. To be fair he made this decision before he realised just how many orcs there were.

Sadly, events transpired that prevented the DM from volleying 30 javelins at Pincusion but those events were much funnier so it all worked out in the end.

Everyone else in is the back of the wagon. Remember, there’s a nullification field in the wagon bed that prevents spells being effective against it but also prevents spells being cast from within it. Inherently magical stuff like the WoMM still work.

DM> Right, absolutely nothing can go wrong, please roll initiative!

What’s the save?

At this point it transpired that Matt had forgotten it was Thursday and had gone out somewhere.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Adam rolled a 4 and was rather unimpressed until Kraj, in the middle of giving both the DM and Matt shit for not being able to recall what day of the week it is, rolled a 3.

DM> We’re just going to take it slow and easy tonight, there’s no rush because I’m almost certainly going to fuck this up somehow. I’m either going to kill everyone and the wagon, or its going to be a complete breeze. Think of it as a test event for bigger things later on.
Mike> Naval combat!
Adam> Whose fighting their belly buttons?
<silence>
<silence>
Mike> Ohhh, right!
Tired DM> I don’t get… oh, right ‘navel’ combat <sigh>. That’s bad. Right, the mounted crossbows are unloaded, Regulus is driving, Abelas is shotgun, everyone else is in the back. Let’s see what goes wrong shall we?

Rather unsurprisingly, Elvira had the highest initiative and went first, double tapping an orc rider out of the saddle. His mount promptly circled back and started eating his corpse.

Abelas umm’d and aah’d a lot, bonus action Bladesonged and then decided not to cut loose with Fireballs just yet and cast Lightning Bolt at two riders. The DM enquired what the Dex save was and it turned out to be, quite remarkably, fourteen.

The DM rolled a 20 and an 18.

Abelas was unimpressed.

And he swore a bit.

Everyone else laughed.

Regulus throws a tribble from the Bag of Tricks. The DM has a very limited beast selection in Talespire so this was going to be interesting.

Regulus> Aaaand… its a badger!
Abelas> <sounding impressed> A giant badger could be useful.
Regulus> No, no, it isn’t…
Abelas> It’s just a badger?!
Regulus> <sigh> Yes, just a normal badger.

The DM does not have a badger and so put a cat down on the plain. Badgers have a movement speed of 20ft and this is a high speed wagon chase so that was the last we saw of it.

Oh Talespire

DM> Okay, seven of the orcs are going to throw javelins at the right side of the wagon. They can’t miss because the wagon is large and not evading.
Joffrey> Sheesh, thanks Regulus!
Celdar> Is it me or are there only six orcs on the right of the wagon?
DM> <sigh>

The DM can clearly see seven orcs, the players can only see six. A second Leroy is employed to uncover the missing raiders.

The wagon has an inherent damage resistance of 2 so the first 2 damage of any single attack is resisted. The wagon side takes 31 damage.

Kraj> We need Boudicas on the wheels!
<He means blades>
DM> That’s an idea! That’s an optional extra you can get fitted in Red Larch!
<The DM has a think about it>
DM> Er.. although you aren’t going to be very popular when manoeuvring around a crowded market. Might get arrested.

Adam now wants flamethrowers mounted on the sides <sigh>
<The DM secretly likes that idea and might make it happen. Don’t tell Adam!>

Celdar> What’s the range on the crossbows?
DM> <winging it> 300? Yeah, 300 sounds good.
Celdar> Ok, and they do a flat 20 damage so…
Regulus> Elvira killed one with 20 damage.
Celdar> Okay, I’ll take a shot with the crossbow… Are they pre-loaded?
DM> <remarkably calmly> It’s a bonus action to load.
Celdar> So… not pre-loaded then?
DM> <sigh> I’m fairly sure someone said something about that…
Regulus> I think the phrase you used was ‘unloaded’…
Celdar> <utterly missing the underlying snark> Oh, I’ll load it and shoot an orc then!

Celdar manages to hit an orc with the crossbow (once he loaded it) and outright killed it. He then broke the initiative tracker <sigh>

Adam> Gary, can I stick my Magic Missile wand out of the slit?
DM> <casually> It’s not a wand.
Regulus> Yep.
DM> It got transmogrified. Fantablusised.
Jake> It’s a gun.
<Adam makes a sound like a really excited schoolgirl>
Adam> Oh yeah, it did didn’t it?! I’ll stick my peacemaker out of the window and… oh man, how many charges have I got to piss away?

Joffrey unlimbers his big iron, fans the hammer, expends six out of the maximum seven charges and sends nine Magic Missiles out into the mob of orc raiders.

“and he’s here to do some business with the big iron on his hip”

At this point it transpired that maths had become exceedingly hard and the DM agreed to split the damage in a way to kill the two that Abelas previously Lightning Bolted and send the remainder into a nearby rider.

Joffrey> I’m going to spin the revolver, blow the end of it, stick it back in my… pouch… my pocket… wherever it came from?
DM> With a smoking hot barrel?!
Kraj> <laughing> Straight down your pouch!

Horn of Plenty

At the end of the round, the orc chieftain blows his horn twice more and a further twenty orc riders appear; ten behind on giant war goats and ten to the left on giant war boars.

Look, I’m working with what Talespire gives me okay?

The DM set the trap by lumping the war goat riders together at the back.

Elvira deals 14 damage to a 15HP orc and spends her second attack to finish the job. She then Action Surges, kills another boar rider outright and then damages yet another.

Abelas> Am I okay to fire a Fireball behind us?
DM> You will have to hang off the wagon by one hand!
Abelas> Oh fucking <heathen deity>! Yeah! Yeah, I’ll try it!
<The trap is sprung!>
DM> <Mr Burns voice> Eeeexcellent!
Abelas> Oh no! I’ve made a terrible mistake!
DM> You stand up on the bouncing jostling wagon that is careering along an unpaved dirt track, you grasp a handy bit of metalwork on the edge of the seat and you swing out, hanging down the side of the wagon and you level your hand back towards the riders and attempt to cast Fireball. Can you make an Acrobatics check for me please?
Celdar> Because Dex is his strongest stat!
Abelas> I don’t suppose you’ll let me do that as Athletics?
DM> Nope.

According to the Players Handbook a DC 10 is an ‘easy’ ability check and 15 is ‘medium’. As doing what Abelas is trying to do could not be described as ‘easy’ the DM decided to make 15 a full success; the Fireball goes off exactly where Abelas was aiming it.

A 13 or 14 means he still casts the Fireball but it’ll be a bit wonky, maybe 5ft off target. 9 to 12 and he gets to not Fireball but hang on for dear life instead. If he gets 8 or under, he falls off the wagon. Simple, right?

Abelas rolls an 8.

Everyone laughs.

Regulus uses his Flash of ~~Gorgonzola~~ Genius ability to add his Int modifier (+4) to Abelas’ roll as a reaction. The DM really thought about saying that Regulus couldn’t see Abelas as he was hanging on the side of the wagon but thought that A) This was a bit of a dick move and B) Much more importantly, Abelas falling off the wagon would properly balls-up the DM’s battle map because everything on it is supposed to be moving at speed but Abelas suddenly wouldn’t be.

So now Abelas has a score of 12 and not 8:

Abelas> If I have to fly back…
DM> You are now no longer falling off the wagon, which you were about to do. You are however, now clinging to the side of the wagon and you need both hands to hang on as it jolts up and down and bounces around a lot.
Abelas> Okay…
DM> You can try and continue to cast your spell, which will require a further Acrobatics check but that will be made at disadvantage as you are now hanging off the side, or you can use what’s left of your turn to get back on the seat.

Abelas asks how far the wagon goes each turn; 60ft as the horses are galloping. Joffrey is spamming chat-bubbles of “Do it!”.

So Abelas did it <sigh>.

Disadwhatnow?

Abelas> Who…? Who is doing that chat, is that Gary?
Joffrey> No, it’s me. Is Fly a concentration?
Abelas> Yes…
<The lead horse chat-bubbles “OMG Nuke it!”>
Joffrey> Cool, so if you get hit by one of the thirty five javelins coming your way…
<laughter>
Abelas> But… but…
<The DM starts mentally facepalming about what is coming>
Abelas> I think the most important part is I have plus three to my Con save! I attempt to cast Fireball!
<silence>
Regulus> WHAT?!
Abelas> Well you said I could try!
DM> Okay… could you please make another Acrobatics check with disadvantage please?
Abelas> Oh… I didn’t hear the disadvantage bit… I was thinking about flying…
<silence>
Regulus> WHAT?!
<Abelas rolls an 11 and an 8>
Abelas> FUUUUCK!
<’RIP’ appears in a chat-bubble from the wagon>
Abelas> <sigh> I cast Fly.
DM> On the plus side, you did get your Fireball off as you fell off the wagon.
Abelas> Well I don’t cast Fly then.
<laughter>
Regulus> So a John Woo slow-motion Fireball falling off the wagon!
DM> Okay, Abelas swings round the side of the wagon, nearly falls off, makes a grab for the wagon, makes the grab, lifts his hand off that’s holding him on the wagon just as you hit another bump, spectacularly fails to re-acquire the wagon, casts the Fireball and falls off, tumbling in a snotty, dusty heap on the ground BUT a Fireball does go whooshing off into the orcs.

The Fireball hits four of the pursuing war goat riders and, once we had established that the save was only fourteen, two made it, two failed it and then Abelas rolled a mid-damage 29 killing two and leaving the other two on one hit point each.

Regulus> You know I’m not turning this wagon around don’t you?
Abelas> Don’t worry about it, I didn’t hear Gary say disadvantage. I’ll either live next turn or die, just carry on!
Regulus> Ok, in that case I’m going to Dash this round…
Joffrey> What?!
Abelas> Of course you are.
Joffrey> Could you do Avoidance and at least stay within 60ft of him please?
Regulus> Why?
Joffrey> So I can get him up to us…
Regulus> <sigh> Okay, in that case I’ll avoid this round.
Joffrey> …maybe
DM> <deep sigh> I knew I should have started this further back down the map but I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to fall off the wagon!

I speak giant!

Because Abelas is now stationary the DM has to move the wagon and all twenty-odd mobs forwards to give Abelas some chase room. This took some time and bollocksed up an otherwise perfectly good battle map <sigh>

Abelas was relatively confident he could get back on as long as Regulus did not Dash. Abelas does indeed run very fast when he needs to but if he’s relying on Fly, which does have a 60ft movement speed, the DM thinks he may have not adequately considered a couple of things.

Joffrey> What damage does he take falling off?
<laughter>
Abelas> Fuck off!
Celdar> Surely it’s a Dex save to avoid getting his leg caught in the wheel?
Abelas> Fuck off!

The DM declined to apply damage to the fallen wizard, figuring his ego was probably bruised enough as it was.

While the DM was moving endless amounts of minis about because of Jake’s inattention, the player bickering continued:

Abelas> It’s a war wagon, it’s not built for speed!
Celdar> And yet you still managed to fall off of it!
DM> <exasperatedly> All this because one poxy wizard fell off a fucking wagon…
Abelas> All right! I’m sorry!
<laughter>
DM> The orc chief is galloping along keeping pace and shouts out.. er.. anyone speak orc? I know you all speak giant.. that’s written on the bottom of the wagon by the way.

It transpired that no one spoke the language of one of the most common enemies on the Sword Coast and so they didn’t hear him shout “Leave the feeble one, bring me the Weevil!”

Four orcs climbed up onto the wagon, time to repel boarders!

Ten of the chasing pack throw javelins at the back of the wagon. While the plating there is the same thickness as the sides, the hinges and latches make it by far the weakest flank.

DM> The wagon takes 55 damage on the tailgate, which is a lot.
Regulus> 55 minus the 2 damage reduction?
DM> <rather smugly> Already did that.
Regulus> And what about the avoid?
DM> <rather unsmugly> Shit….
<laughter>
DM> Half of those miss <sigh>. You’re not in trouble yet but… its getting there. These four riders are going to move up level to the driver’s box and throw javelins at Regulus. You get a +2 AC from the moveable shielding you had fitted.
Regulus> Oh good!
DM> Despite it being made of a durable alloy, you can see a distinct imprint of a hand here on the corner where Abelas was just before he fell off.
Joffrey> We are never going to repair that.

One javelin manages to penetrate Regulus’ fairly cheeseworthy 24AC for 6 damage.

Celdar> Can you finish the Orcs go? I can’t move?
DM> <adopting his whiny players voice> Oh Emm Gee! CanyoufinishsoIcanmoooove?!?!
Abelas> So needy?
DM> I know, right?!
Celdar> Fuck you all!

Celdar clambers onto the roof and shivs an orc with The Devil. The DM allowed a sneak attack as the rules state “Beginning at 1st level, you know how to strike subtly and exploit a foe’s distraction” and the DM figures that anything hanging on to a wagon roof the way Regulus is driving it is definitely going to be distracted.

Celdar hits the orc for eighteen damage, killing it, and moves on to the next victim whom he shivs with the Debt but fails to hit. The rogue drops back into the wagon to avoid javelin fire.

Moving is hard

Joffrey wants to climb onto the wagon seat and cast a Spike Growth sideways in front of the four who attacked Regulus:

DM> Right, so you are going to climb out of the front of the wagon to the seat?
Joffrey> Yeah.
DM> Ok, make an acrobatics check for me please.
Joffrey> Oh, is it not just a door?
DM> No, you have to climb over the front plate. It is not a difficult check.
Abelas> <plaintively> That didn’t matter.
<laughter>
DM> Yes but you were attempting something quite complex, casting a spell…
Abelas> I know, I know…
Regulus> Yes but Gary, you could have warned him…
<laughter>
Abelas> Shut up… shut up!
<more laughter>
DM> Clearly it is ‘dump on Jake’ week again.

Joffrey makes the save handily and climbs over the plate without incident, he casts Spike Growth and eagerly rolls the dice for it despite the fact that the raiders won’t ride over it until it is their go <sigh>. He then climbs back inside but rolls low and tumbles inside landing prone.

Elvira shoots another chasing war goat rider and once again does 14 damage:

Regulus> So that leaves him with one hit point?
DM> It does.
Regulus> <depressed> So she will use her other one…
Abelas> Or she could use one of her special arrows…
Regulus> Ooh, she could do! I’d forgotten about that!

The special arrow was a crit and the DM felt that was a waste of a crit on just the one nearly dead orc and so ruled that it went through and took out the one behind as well.

Regulus> That’s them two dead then, thank you for the reminder Jake.
Abelas> That’s okay. Sometimes I remember things… when it’s not “How do I stay on the fucking wagon?!”
Regulus> Did you see what happened there? Some one said something and I listened to it!

The Penny Drops (Twice)

DM> Abelas?
Abelas> I cast fly on myself! Oh… now I can’t dash… That was my plan but I realise I’ve used an action to cast it.

That was the first thing he forgot. The second thing didn’t take long as the wizard used the Talespire measuring ruler to draw a 60ft line back towards the wagon:

Abelas> That’s where I want to go but up in the air.
DM> <casually> How far up in the air are you going to go?
Abelas> Er.. we’ll go… er… oh…
<And thus does the second penny drop: distance up is lost distance along>
Abelas> Oh fucking <heathen deity>
<sniggering starts>
Abelas> <laughing> Yeah, I’ve just registered that!
DM> Trigonometry is hard!
Joffrey> a² = b² + c²

And so Abelas stays at ground level, hovers and, in the DM’s mind at least, Naruto runs through the hard charging war goat pack.

Abelas> I’m just zooming along, giving them the finger as I go past.
Regulus> Can’t you just run faster than that?
Abelas> Yes, yes I can, I just didn’t think it through, alright?!
Joffrey> As you’re at ground level, won’t you get attacks of opportunity on you?
DM> Well one of them does.
<The DM rolls a 1 for the attack>
Regulus> I think Gary, and I don’t mean to pre-empt the session but I think “I didn’t think it through” might want to be the title of this one?
DM> I was thinking of just “Lol nub”
Abelas> Look, I’m having a bad time, just carry on! Everyone just carry on! I was like “I’m going to cast Fly and now I’m going to dash forw… oh…”
DM> Could you make a perception check for me please?
<Abelas rolls a natural 20>
DM> You hindsight is fucking amazing right now.
Abelas> I can’t even cheese a Misty Step with my elven ability…
<The reason he can’t do it is the two spells in one round restriction>
DM> The problem is, you’ve just gone 60ft but the wagon is about to go another 60ft…

Or is it?

Hi Yo Silver! Away!

(might have lost some people with that one)

Regulus takes the Dash action and the wagon disappears a further 120ft up the road from Abelas. Mike tries to cheese having the orcs fall off the top <sigh> It’s a horse drawn carriage not a fucking rocket.

Two of the rooftop orcs moved forward and dropped onto the drivers seat either side of Regulus. The third threw a javelin at Joffrey but the DM rolls another 1 <sigh>.

Three of the remaining war boar riders board the wagon. The war goat riders throw more javelins at the rear of the wagon and break one of the clasps holding the tailgate shut. The last four hyena riders throw at the right hand side of the wagon.

Joffrey> Have they been hit by Spike Growth yet?
DM> Oh shit…

The hyenas are toast, Joffrey rolled something stupid like 40 damage, but the riders were thrown and took minor damage but they were now on foot and effectively out of the fast moving fight. They did manage to throw their javelins before the wagon disappeared into the distance though.

At this point there are two orcs on the drivers seat, four on the roof, and 7 riders at the rear.

Celdar back-stabs a roof-orc and kills him outright and does a non sneak attack (you only get to use it once a round) damaging another.

Well there’s something you don’t see every day…

Joffrey’s turn and… well in this case a picture speaks a thousand words:

Panic Snake appears in the wagon and rears up through the roof and attempts to punt an orc off the roof but Adam rolled a very underwhelming 1.

Panic Snake> Sad hiss!
DM> Still looked amazing though!

Elvira eliminates two wounded riders.

Abelas decides to get back on the wagon but once again doesn’t think it through so the DM helps him out:

Abelas> I’m going to land, if I can, there <indicates 120ft onto the roof> This is a bad idea isn’t it?
Regulus> <dubiously> Yeah…
Abelas> But whatever happens, I’m still flying so I’m going to be basically floating here.
DM> Right, I’m going to suggests that as Fly is concentration you can land and take off as much as you want as long as you maintain concentration. You should probably land on the wagon because if you hover above the wagon, its going to move…
Abelas> Ah yes, that’s a very good point, I’ll land on the wagon.
DM> I know it would have been hilarious not to have told him but it is ten-to-nine.
<laughter>

Regulus dashes the wagon. Having taunted the orcs when he landed back on the wagon, Abelas now suffered the consequences and the three roof-orcs attack him but all miss. The DM is struggling to roll higher than a seven right now.

The riders javelin the rear again and the tailgate falls open. The chasers can now see the adventurers (and Jake) inside the wagon.

The two orcs on the seat attack Regulus with great axes and the DM rolls a decent pair of dice for a change forcing the warforged to Shield but ultimately Regulus is just calmly sitting there driving the wagon while the two orcs singularly fail to get through his armour.

Celdar uses his action to pull up the tailgate and conduct a makeshift repair to refasten it. The chasing orcs groan.

Panic Snake turned to attack the closest orc resulting in this bit of epicness:

That has got to hurt!

The orc is snake-punted from the roof, tumbling along the ground and is removed from combat.

Following that, the DM offers Panic Snake an intimidation check and he rolls a 19 causing one of the remaining orcs to have a crisis of faith resulting in him bailing off the roof wanting no further part of this madness. The last roof-orc has an attack of common sense, clambers down the side of the wagon, drops off and starts walking home.

Abelas Fireballs all five of the remaining orc riders:

DM> What was the save again?
Abelas> <sigh> Fourteen.
DM> Well two of them make it.

It didn’t matter, Jake rolled an above average 39 damage and wiped out the lot.

DM> The last three orcs realise it’s over and bail off the wagon. You reign it in slightly and roll up the last few hundred yards to the bridge. Panic Snake still has his head sticking out of the roof like a dog out of a car window.
Regulus> I so want to shout out to the guards “Help! We’re being attacked by a giant snake!”
DM> You rock up to the guard post and the guards are “What’s all this then? What’s going on?”
Regulus> <casually> We’re just on our way to Mirabar.
DM> The guards is eyeing up Panic Snake <equally casually> “What you got in the back?”
Regulus> I’ve got a wizard in the back, and a thief… got a fighter too and.. oh shit what was the other thing? Oh yeah, got a giant snake in the back too.
Guard> Right then, have a good day sir.
DM> And he waves you through…
Regulus> I tip my hat to him.
DM> <laughing> Everyone is trying to act really casual about something that it is really out of the ordinary, acting as if this happens every day of the week.

The adventurers (and Jake) trot over the bridge and enter the city of Mirabar.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will Jake and Celdar listen to what the DM says for a change?
– What will the adventurers (and Jake) spend the 5,000g reward on?
– Will they pay off their debt to Chazlauth (TNAD) or will they forget?
– Will Matt remember what day of the week it is?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

The DM explained that if he’d managed to get the tailgate down earlier he was going to pack the back of the wagon with orcs and try and get the Weevil out.

Kraj asked about the possibility of killing the orc chief earlier but the DM explained that a normal orc warchief has 16AC and 90+ hit points so that was unlikely.

Mike asked what the orcs were after and the DM explained that the Weevil at this point was the equivalent of a chest with 5,000 gold pieces in it, making them a bit of a target.