SKT Episode 29: Back In A Sec!

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Kraj as Celdar the Master Acrobat – How long have you been cheesing that for?
Matt as Clay the Master of Comedic Timing – Back in a sec!
Mike as Regulus the Master Tactician – The snake said “Missssed!”
Jake as Abelas the Forgetter of Fly – And then I was like “You prick!”
Adam as Joffrey the Instiller of Doubt – Fleshlight?!

With:

Gary as the DM – You put your fingers up his nose and say ‘sniff this!’

Author’s Note: When reading through this I realise that Jake/Abelas comes in for an unusual amount of shit from the DM so I’d like to apologise.

I’d like to but I’m not going to to because it would be a lie. Suck it up Princess!

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Christina couldn’t make it because apparently finding a home is more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Jake joined and complained that his new supercomputer keeps crashing in Total Warhammer II.

Jake> …never known any computer to just go!
DM> I know what that is! It’s because you are not playing 40k! It’s because you are playing fairy warhammer!

This kicked off a discussion which has been had several times before and always ends the same way: Jake spectacularly fails to convince Mike and the DM that swords and fairies are just as good as chainswords and space marines. The DM then completely nullifies the fairy-warhammer argument by bringing up manly-warhammer’s plasma cannons and Mike offers to pit an equal number of his 40K guys against Jake’s fairy-warhammer guys to see who would win.

Matt (in a bucket)> Quick change of topic, Adam said he got an invite back to the discord server but it said ‘invalid invite’ when he tried to click it.

If you weren’t here last week, you won’t understand why everyone found that rather funny.

Return to Xantharl’s Keep

DM> Does anyone remember how to Talespire?

The replies did not fill anyone with confidence but we started anyway. Jake immediately got put miles out at sea, literally beyond visual range of land, due to the severe amount of fucking about he did during the test session… which was in a different campaign on a different map.

The DM called him a cunt and congratulated him on spectacularly breaking the map in the first few seconds.

The rogue Abelas was eventually located by the DM who attempted to kill it but was thwarted by the actual Abelas spazzing out and constantly moving mini Abelas around.

The DM politely and respectfully requested that Abelas acquiesce to desisting in his endeavours:

DM> STOP FUCKING MOVING IT!
Abelas> I don’t want to let go of it, it’ll fall into the sea!
DM> <laughing> Just… stop.. yes… got it… no… fuck… YES!
Abelas> YES! It’s gone!
DM> <deep, deep sigh> This is not how I expected to start the session…
<laughter>

We had more line of sight issues, the DM is a little worried about that and will need to do some testing. The DM also blamed Jake for everything due to getting stuck out at sea. This is reinforced by Jake bugging out and having access to the DM’s build menu <sigh>

Jake> I might try and leave and come back…
Mike> Oh no, no, don’t worry about the two stage plan.
<The DM sniggers>
<Silence as a distracted Jake tries to figure out what just happened>
Jake> <sigh> Do you know, for a second, I was like “wait, what was my suggestion?” and then I was like “You prick!”
<laughter>

The DM has a new toy, it’s a flash-light tool that rather resembles a beam of holy light shining down from on high. While the DM was smugly showing this off, it transpired that anyone in the lobby board (Jake) sees a message that they are waiting on the DM to summon them to the playing board. Slight problem; it doesn’t tell the DM that so Jake had been languishing at the camp site for a while. Shame really.

Communication is the name of the game

Adam has not yet joined us as we get going.

A whole bunch of guards are doing a whole bunch of shouting about a giant attack and a lot of them are heading for the front wall. The players decide to also head for the wall but first they are going to put the Weevil in the wagon with Elvira standing guard.

DM> Your wagon tailgate folds down and forms the ramp into it. It is secured with hasps and pins and, while it doesn’t lock, exactly, someone in it is going to have a hard time getting out of it, especially as the walls are 8ft high and he’s manacled… and he’s a dwarf, so 8ft is quite high… uh oh, heightist!
Celdar> Should we just put him in there with Joffrey? And lock it?
Regulus> What and take the manacles off? Oh, and give him a knife!

We had a little chat about last week’s indecision and who’s fault it was (everyone, including the DM) and how we can easily avoid it next time. The DM was making the point that we are running a campaign from a book and his players are a tad above average in intelligence compared to the typical group running it. Yes, that was a compliment, but not much of one so don’t get carried away.

DM> … so, yeah, it’s D&D, it is not that complicated…
<Adam joins Discord>
DM> … unlike mute buttons!
<Adam disconnects from Discord>
DM> He’s gone!
<Lots of lols>

Adam rejoins once more.

Kraj reminds the DM about the +1 Handaxes and the DM awards them as loot saying that Clay might find them useful as a ranged option he can apply his Str modifier to.

Matt> <in a bucket> Well, I’m not going to say no to SHHHSFFRTTTTSSSHHHH
DM> Well I’m not going to <starts abusing his mic with his thumb> SSHHHRTTTSSHHH either so…
Matt> <intelligible quiet muffle garbage>
Abelas> Matt, are you trying to swallow your mike?
DM> Matt, are you actually in the same room as your microphone?
Matt> <coming in five by five> Yes! Is that better?
<cheers>

After a certain amount of fucking about, including actually installing Talespire <sigh>, Adam made it to the camp-site home board, which is kind of like the campaign lobby:

DM> Now I shall summon you to the board my minion! BWAHAHAHAHA! That’s never going to get old.
<The players may disagree>
<The DM gives Adam a few seconds to get the board loaded up and then turns on his new flashlight beaming it upon the druid mini>
DM> There should be a flashlight of the gods beaming down upon you!
Adam> Fleshlight?!
DM> <sigh>
Jake> That’s cool as fuck.

The DM gives a brief reprisal of last week’s events for Adam along with a quick tour of he map:

DM> So we got in, arrested the thing… arrested ‘the thing’? <sigh> That’s some great narrative there DM!
Mike> He’s a dwarf!
DM> Yes, so I’ve first mocked his height and now I’ve objectified him!

Back in a sec!

The players head to the walls and, after a lot of faffing about with the line-of-sight system, saw a frost giant at the head of an army consisting of about 50 goblins, 6 ogre goblin-huckers and a dozen bugbears. They are all assembling abut 300ft from the wall and making a lot of noise.

DM> There’s at least a hundred guards on the walls by now and a garrison commander snapping orders. The frost giant shouts out “….
Matt> Back in a sec!
DM> Oh for…
<Lots of laughter>
<The faint, far off sound of a head gently, but firmly, repeatedly hitting a desk>
Jake> <laughing> That better be something fucking important….
Kraj> <laughing> I thought he was taking the piss!

The DM starts the ‘haunted’ music and sets the atmosphere to ‘isolated red’ which is a bleak greyscale with only red items having colour.

There was now reference to a certain black and white WWII film that I will not be putting in the write up but you know who you are and you now what you said!

The DM spends some time collecting himself and then attempts to carry on:

DM> So… the giant shouts out <the DM starts losing it> “BACK IN A SEC!”
<laughter>
Matt> Hello!
Jake> Please tell me Matt, that you had a valid… what was your reason for leaving?
Matt> Er… <redacted> was going for her run and couldn’t find her bag.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

DM> The frost giant shouts out “GIVE US THE WEEVIL!” and he signals to the huckers and the first volley of goblins comes flying in. The bugbears launch a volley of arrows. Could everyone roll a d100 for me please?

Clay rolled lowest and got hit by a spike-helmed goblin. Everyone scrambled for cover behind the battlements as arrows and suicidal live ammunition rained down.

The guards on the wall-mounted heavy crossbows return fire, arrows and bolts are flying backwards and forwards but something seems a bit off. The second wave of goblins come in and get slaughtered as soon as they hit the wall, the giant is still shouting and demanding the Weevil and the garrison commander says “This doesn’t make sense, they have no hope of breaching the walls, I don’t know what they are trying to achieve”

Clay, as a Battlemaster, was asked to make a perception check. Thirty two seconds pass with no perception check being made:

DM> <quietly> Matt?
Abelas> <not so quietly> Matt?
Clay> Hello?!
Regulus> Can you roll a perception check?
<silence>
<laughter>
DM> Do you know why you are rolling a perception check?
Matt> <sounding a bit pissed off> To see if there’s something going on!
DM> Ok, just checking you weren’t off finding a handbag again.
<Yeah, I know, but he totally deserved it!>
<Clay actually passed the check!>
DM> You think this may be a distraction, what are you going to do?
Clay> I shout out “THE WEEVIL IS DEAD” and then head back to Elvira.
Joffrey> <disgusted> You aren’t going to shout “It’s a trap!”?!!
<Everyone goes back to the wagon with Clay>
Regulus> But I don’t know what the trap is…

Let me shed some light on what is happening with the book description… the players didn’t know this:

A while back, Worvil Forkbeard told a few friends that he needed a place to hide and planned to lie low in Xantharl’s Keep. One of his friends betrayed that confidence to the frost giant now attacking the keep, who is named Kaltivar. The giant intends to collect on the 5,000 gp reward being offered for the dwarf’s capture and is using the goblinoids and ogres as a distraction to help him bag the dwarf. While the garrison is occupied on the east side of town, ten stealthy bugbears climb over the western wall and attempt to capture Worvil. If the characters already have the dwarf in custody, the bugbears try to take Worvil from them.

If Worvil is dead and the bugbears see his corpse, they immediately try to flee the keep and report back to Kaltivar. Characters who are unaware of the Weevil’s presence or his true identity can hear the dwarf and bugbears fighting in the stables with a successful DC 15 Wisdom (Perception) check, and the Weevil manages to kill a couple of bugbears before he’s dragged off.

We don’t have Bugbears in Talespire yet so we have Orc Spec-Ops instead!

The Wagon and the Weevil

This encounter takes place mostly in an area of clear ground in front of the inn, it is 160ft long and 60ft wide. The adventurers (and Jake) make it off the wall on the right of the inn. About 80ft away to the left is the wagon and the Weevil.

They see Elvira flanked and being attacked by two orcs while another pair drag the Weevil from the wagon. Roll initiative!

This fight is not about killing things exactly, it’s about stopping the Orcs from making off with the Weevil. The Bugbears/Orcs have had their HP buffed because the players are two levels higher than the book recommends but the DM left their attacks alone for reasons that will become apparent.

DM> Anyone want to play Elvira this week?
Regulus> I can do it.
Celdar> Go for it… I struggle playing me!

The DM completely ballsed up the initiative board as per usual. Completely different system, exactly the same result <sigh>

Regulus> Is he still manacled?
DM> He is, yes.
<He also has only one hit point left because no one healed him after they KO’d him>
<Also, no one at any point asked how many hit points he had left>
Regulus> I don’t think they are friends then… they just want him. Because I was thinking about hitting him with a Magic Missile to stop him getting away…
<This somewhat concerns the DM because that would kill him>
DM> I would remind you that he is worth 5,000 gold pieces to you ‘alive’.
Abelas> Yes, we do not want to kill him!
Regulus> <as if explaining to a 5-year old (or the DM explaining 3D buildings to Adam)> Yes, but he’s not going to die if I Magic Missile him is he? He’s going to fall unconscious
DM> Er.. you want to explain the logic of that to me?
Abelas> Umm… Doesn’t it have to be a melee attack?

Mike was staggeringly disappointed to find out that you can only KO someone with a melee attack. Jake then wanted to cheese melee spells as melee attacks <sigh>.

Sadly, the DM has looked it up and reddit seems to agree that yes, a melee spell attack still counts as a melee attack so yes, you can KO someone with one. The DM thinks this is utter bollocks but will allow it up until he finds a good enough reason not to.

Combat starts with Elvira and the Orcs in the first round and the players coming off the wall acting in the second round.

– Elvira carves some holes in a nearby orc with her shortswords.
– Two orcs drag an unwilling Weevil 20ft away from the adventurers (and Jake).
– An orc lands an attack on Elvira for 11 damage, and that’s why the DM didn’t buff it. That hurts.
– Two more orcs emerge from behind a building to the south and move to intercept the payers. They end up halfway between the players and the wagon.
– Clay (once he was added to the initiative board) dashes past the two intercepting orcs and heads straight towards the wagon.
– Joffrey turns into Panic Snake and Adam discovers that anything large size shakes the screen when it moves. He then spends at least a minute doing it over and over. “Simple minds!” says a laughing Kraj.
– Panic Snake engages the two intercepting orcs and constricts one of them. The orc has a sudden rethink about his life choices.

Greetings!

Jake> <dubiously> Am I supposed to be on this?
DM> <confidently> You are on this.
<The DM starts rapidly checking the initiative board>
<The DM swiftly opens the initiative tracker, adds Abelas, moves him into the right position>
DM> Yes, you’re after Joffrey, obviously, in fact, look, there you are!

Abelas now wants to cast a Bonus-action spell as an Action. Pfft, not happening. Jake then places the Abelas mini next to Panic Snake but he puts it down on the cross between tiles because why would you ever place your mini on a fucking square on a battle map which is designed on a grid when you can place it exactly centred between four different squares so no one knows which one you are actually in? <sigh>

These are intelligent people but for some reason, going all the way back to when we started on paper maps, then dry-wipe maps, then projected maps, then online in TTS and now in Talespire, they simply cannot fathom the staggeringly simple idea that the minis go in the squares and not on the lines between them.

Abelas moves next to one of the intercepting orcs. His mini is holding a sword with one hand and the other is held out in front of him, palm up at face height. He realises that he can’t do a lot more this turn.

DM> I will give serious inspirations to someone if, when the Taleweaver character editor comes out, they manage to put a turd on Abelas’s outstretched hand!
<surprised laughter>
DM> I just want a little curly poo on his palm because that’s what his mini says to me: “Here, sniff this!”
Abelas> <grumpy> Well, I do shit-all then!
DM> You hold your hand out towards the orc. It glows blue and ghostly and wraithly. You say to it “Here, sniff this!” and that is all that happens.
Regulus> <with just the barest smidgin of extreme sarcasm> Good to see we’re focussing on the distractions there…
Abelas> Well I can’t get over there can I?
DM> You’re the fastest runner of everyone…
Abelas> Ignore that!
DM> You have Fly as a spell…
Abelas> Oh yeah, I do have Fly… I forgot about Fly! I will admit that I forgot that I could fly.

Yes, this used to be top class entertainment back in the day <sigh>

Regulus casts Expeditious Retreat and legs it halfway to the wagon, ending his turn by shooting and missing one of the Orcs.

Celdar started thinking about Dimension Dooring right into the fight by the wagon:

DM> Well I’m surprised Clay didn’t Action Surge and run all the… oh, wait.
<laughter>
Clay> BOOOOO!

Instead of using his Dimension Door, Celdar moves 30ft, action dashes another 30ft and bonus action Misty Steps another 30ft. This was a lot of effort but it did get him next to Elvira.

A-Dashing We Will Go

Elvira stabby-stabs an orc for a chunk of damage but the two orcs next to her both hit for a 22 damage total, ouch. Two orcs attack Abelas, one hit lands. Two more orcs appear from behind the building nearest to the Weevil. The orcs drag the felon a further 20ft away.

Clay charges once again and runs past Elvira and Celdar and ends up only 15ft from the Weevil.

Adam forgot what his snake abilities do (again), realises he gets advantage on the attacks against the orc he has constricted but then manages to roll a 3 and a 1 much to the DM’s amusement.

Abelas phase-steps and dashes and ends up level with Clay near the Weevil.

Abelas> It’s ok, to hit me Gary has to roll a 19 or 20. If he rolls a 19 or 20 about three times, I die.

Regulus’ turn and he also dashes. Getting right in amongst the two orcs and the prisoner.

DM> The Weevil looks at you and says “It’s about time you showed up you malfunctioning claptrap!”. All done? Cool, Celdar?
Celdar> I will cast Dimension Door whilst… I’m trying to say this as less inappropriately as possible… whilst touching Elvira…
DM> Mate, we have had ‘boob porting’ before and it was physically demonstrated at the table.

Good times indeed!

Elvira and Celdar teleport just in front of the pair dragging the Weevil away. The orcs are now surrounded. However, nearby at the edge of the inn, two more orcs are hiding. Celdar bonus action disen-fucking-gages and then decides not to.

The DM had intended to drag the Weevil around the back of the keep but now that route was blocked a single orc drags the prisoner 15ft towards the front of the keep. This is noticed by a pair of guardsmen on sentry duty outside the keep gates and they join the fray.

We then had one of those special Adam moments that we all love so much:

DM> These two orcs are going to attack Joffrey.
Joffrey> Rude!
DM> <rolls 11 & 7> What’s your armour class?
Joffrey> Er.. fifteen…?
DM> <looks it up> Yeah, it’s twelve, nice try though.
Joffrey> Wot?
DM> Giant Constrictor Snake; armour class twelve.
Joffrey> Yeah, but you gave me special armour.
DM> … … ugh…
Clay> Is the armour like the wax they put around Edam?
<sniggers>
Joffrey> Hide of the Feral Guardian; armour grants you a plus one to AC.
Regulus> <flatly> So your armour class is thirteen.
DM> <deep sigh> So yes, it’s thirteen. Neither of us were right.. but I was closer than you were.
Joffrey> How did I end up with fifteen?!
Celdar> How long have you been cheesing that for?
Joffrey> I don’t know!
<laughter>

Meanwhile, back on the side of the map where the real fight was happening, Clay and Abelas are attacked by orcs:

DM> That one will attack Clay.. and misses, that one will attack Abelas.. <DM rolls a 19>
Abelas> OH FUCK OFF!
DM> YES! Get fucking in there! Eleven?! Eleven damage, yeah!

Yes, the DM enjoyed that entirely too much.

– Celdar got hit and used Uncanny Dodge to halve the damage but then decides to use Shield instead to reduce all the damage.
– Clay runs past an orc and proudly states “I will attempt to grapple the Weevil”. This was uncontested and Clay ended up with one arm wrapped around the Weevil’s neck in a tug-of-war with the orc.
– Joffrey attacks and hits the orc he has grappled for 14 damage, which was nice.
– Abelas casts Fly on himself and zooms straight up 50ft, provoking an attack of opportunity from the adjacent orc which misses. DM “You put your fingers up his nose and say ‘sniff this!’ and then go vertically upwards!”

DM> Everyone else, you can now see right up his robes!
Abelas> I can feel the breeze!
Celdar> That is fucking epic!

I’m fairly sure he was referring to the flying mini and not the view but you never know with these elf-boys <sigh>

– Regulus provokes an attack of opportunity but then misses with his own attack. “He was put off by the view up the wizard’s robes” suggested the DM.
– Regulus then runs away from the one he attacked provoking yet another attack of opportunity. It’s ok, he has a plan. His second attack, a proper meaty fisting, did a chunk of damage to an orc next to the Weevil.
– Celdar, surrounded by three orcs, bonus action disen-fucking-gages, attempts a sneaky backstab but doesn’t quite make it. Then we realise he gets a flanking bonus and did actually hit! For twenty damage!
– Elvira’s turn and Mike’s full cheese plan is revealed! By drawing the attacks of opportunity with the high AC Regulus, the orcs could not attack the low-HP Elvira when she decides to get the fuck out of Dodge. Grade-A D&Ding there, well done!
– At this point Mike realises Elvira doesn’t have Stormsong attuned and so she should have been hitting for +11 instead of ‘only’ +10. “Plus fucking eleven?!” was Celdar’s plaintive question. Yes, Arcane Archers are the tits.

The DM reluctantly has to do what the mobs would do and they aren’t stupid. Abelas has fucked off skywards and Elvira legged it south so Celdar is left alone next to several orc raiders and they all pile in:

Gang Bang

DM> I’m sorry Kraj, this is probably going to hurt… because the wizard left you in the lurch.
Abelas> Meh.
Celdar> Everybody did!
Joffrey> I didn’t, I haven’t got up there yet!
<DM moves five 11-damage orcs to surround Celdar>

The transparent white-thing is the space formerly known as Abelas the Nearly Drownded.

You know when you are watching The Raid or John Wick and some one gets it in a particularly brutal manner and you mentally go “Whoa!” or “Oooh-fuck!”? There were lots of those sorts of noises.

Regulus> Oooh! I actually feel a little bit guilty now!
DM> Yeah, they are not stupid.
Regulus> Although I’d rather Kraj died than Christina. If I’m honest. No offence.
Celdar> She couldn’t be arsed to turn up!
Regulus> <clearly still determined not to cause any offence> I mean character-wise, obviously, and I know Christina better so if one of you has to die…

The DM rolls five attacks and hits with two, Celdar shields and takes no damage.

Abelas offers to save Celdar. Celdar rather dismissively dismisses the wizard’s help stating that he can go invisible and escape by himself. Abelas says that he can get Celdar out of there whilst damaging all of the orcs. Celdar is intrigued. We will get back to this shortly.

– Panic Snake takes two hits for twenty-two damage and barely notices.
– Clay steams into an orc for his first attack and adds a trip attack for 19 damage. The DM rather childishly (but quite funnily) adopts a bit of a girly voice “My name is Abelas, I just hit you for 5 & 6 now surrender!”.
– Abelas was unimpressed.
– Clay hits the same one again for a further 13 damage (that’s still 2 more than Ablas managed with two attacks).

Died on it’s feet

One thing a DM has to do is try and recognise when a fight is over and attempt to end it quickly at that point. Even though there are still a lot of orcs on the table, most of them are severely wounded and they have zero chance of getting the Weevil out of there. So now is the time to find a way to bring this to a close without spending all day on it.

The guards up on the wall by Joffrey notice the commotion below and drag a mounted heavy crossbow over to the inside wall and shoot the non-grappled orc for an instant kill, skewering him to the ground.

Mike> The snake said “Missssed!”
<a momentary silence occurs while comedy dies>

Up on the roof of the keep, the Lord appears having been bothered by the commotion and lobs a level 5 Magic Missile at the closest orc and obliterates it.

Joffrey, instead of biting the constricted orc and then dragging it, decides to drag it 30ft and then bite it. He tears the head of the poor sap. Joffrey then reverts to human form and at this point we realise that the players have an ‘End Turn’ button and so the DM doesn’t have to do it for them.

Abelas zooms down 60ft and grabs a slightly-willing Celdar and then casts a level 4 Thunderstep and deposits the rogue on the roof of the wagon.

Thunder… THUNDERSTEP!

(And if you don’t now have AC/DC in your head, you have no musical soul)

You teleport yourself to an unoccupied space you can see within range. Immediately after you disappear, a thunderous boom sounds, and each creature within 10 feet of the space you left must make a Constitution saving throw, taking 3d10 thunder damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one. The thunder can be heard from up to 300 feet away.

You can bring along objects as long as their weight doesn’t exceed what you can carry. You can also teleport one willing creature of your size or smaller who is carrying gear up to its carrying capacity. The creature must be within 5 feet of you when you cast this spell, and there must be an unoccupied space within 5 feet of your destination space for the creature to appear in; otherwise, the creature is left behind.

Abelas hammers five orcs and an unfortunate nearby chicken. Sad news; the chicken didn’t make it.

Three of the five orcs fail the save but Jake rolls a rather lowly 14 from 4 x d10 (average 22, max 40). “There’s that fourteen again Jake!” Observed Matt. Jake was unimpressed.

Abelas> <mournfully> That was a level 4 spell…
DM> Well it’s not the spells fault, it’s your dice, frankly.

Cledar is contemplating getting inside the wagon so he can hide:

Celdar> Can I get in the wagon from the roof?
DM> Er.. yeah, make an Acrobatics check for me.
<Celdar rolls a 1>
Regulus> Holy shit balls!
DM> What you attempt to do is a handstand on the edge of the canvas and then swing down…
Abelas> <unintelligible>… in the balls!
DM> … and jackknife and slide through the 2ft gap between the canvas and the wagon siding. What actually happens is your left leg goes above the canvas and your right leg goes below it and you enter the wagon at speed astride the edge of the canvas. That smarts rather a lot but you are inside the wagon, although prone and in a snotty heap in the corner. Can everyone else make perception checks for me please?

Abelas, Regulus and Joffrey saw Celdar’s amazing wagon entry, Clay did not “What’s that on my shoe?!” uttered Matt after rolling low.

DM> A very loud elvish curse emanates from the wagon bed followed by the sound of a groan.
Celdar> <deep sigh>
Abelas> <sympathetically> It doesn’t matter how cool you try to be, the dice just fuck you!

Celdar bonus action hides and sneak-attacks (with advantage) raider 9 for 18 damage. His balls may hurt but he still hits hard.

DM> Are you done?
Celdar> Yes, I am spent.
<juvenile sniggers>
Abelas> Don’t say that when you’re just below me!

There are only three remaining orcs left now and they all dash 60ft up the side of the inn away from the players. Clay longbows the lowest hit point runner. The attack lands and he then attempts a cheesy range trip attack:

Clay> Wow!
Regulus> That is the Mattest roll I’ve ever seen!

The Lord of the Keep, perched on the battlements above, is just shaking his head.

DM> The Lord casts Chain Lightning at the three orcs…
Abelas> That’s just overkill!

They all fail the save and take 10d8 lightning damage, totalling 51 damage each.

DM> He’s got a bit of a bazzy on, the Lord so combat ends, he flies down to the orcs. He pulls out a scimitar and hacks off two of the orc heads and then flies off with them towards the front wall.

The adventurers (and Jake) throw the Weevil in the wagon and leave him once again under guard by Elvira and then they head to the wall.

The Lord arrives at the wall, casts an illusion which makes him appear somewhat larger that the frost giant, holds up the two orc heads and tells the attacking force that if the grounds in front of his keep aren’t clear in 30 seconds, he’s going to start dropping meteors.

The attacking forces retreat.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will Jake remember he can fly, right up to the sky?
– Will Matt have to interrupt a dramatic moment to go find another handbag?
– Will Joffrey do anything useful?
<Look, it’s harsh but it’s funny, okay?>
– Will they manage to make it to Mirabar with the Weevil?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post Session Guff

Jake> I’m so sad. If the damage had matched the coolness of what I did, it was going to be a cloak billow!
<Yeah, swiftly followed by a lightning bolt from the sky for billowing under false pretences>
Kraj> You did seven to half of them!
Jake> <really depressed> Yeah, I know.
<laughter>
Jake> <sounding even more depressed> Yeah… if you… if you actually add up the damage it was like an alright amount.
DM> <losing it> Counsellor Kraj makes it all better!
Mike> And I thought it was only Kraj’s character that stabbed people in the back, but no!

Ok, lets get right to it; Jake’s manoeuvre was not remotely billow-worthy even if the damage had been better. If Kraj had been about to die and really needed saving then yeah, maybe, but he wasn’t and hence it was just a bog standard AoE spell. It wasn’t even close to a billow. “Oh, look at me, I cast a spell!” is not billow-worthy. If you cloak-billow just for casting a spell whilst ‘saving’ someone who didn’t need saving, that’s not going to end well for you.

Billowing is for clever or unusual activities. Just going “Ima cast an AoE!” does not warrant billowing of anything. Unless you roll really high and kill everything of course. If you cast a typical Fireball, you don’t get to billow. If you roll spectacularly high on the Fireball, then you get to billow.

Now Mike could have done a cloak billow because getting Elvira out of the crap was some clever stuff. Simply casting an AoE in an area is neither clever nor unusual and is, in fact, pish.

And this is why I shouldn’t do write ups when I’m ill 🙂