SKT Episode 28: That Might Get Expensive

  • Kraj as Cledar the Sneak Attacker – But his computer is so slow he’s going to go and make a drink while it loads?
  • Matt as Clay the Layer of Blame – I want it on record for the minutes that Mike agreed with Adam!
  • Mike as Regoolas the Chosen One – That’s ‘mister’ Regoolas to you!
  • Jake as Abelas the Communications Specialist (and Murderer) – I DON’T KNOW.. I.. what the.. I… what the answ.. what that question was!
  • Adam as Joffrey the Strangely Quiet – I looked down and saw that I had muted myself!
  • Christina as Elvira the Evader of Questions – I don’t know, I can see the advantages of both!

With:

Gary as the Calm DM – TALK TO FUCKING SOMEONE!

Author’s Note: Talespire doesn’t have any dragon minis in it yet. This is important for a funny that comes later.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t and then did. Slowly and badly.

Pre-session Guff

Expecting Kraj to join half an hour before the session start time and whinge at him about various D&D problems he’s having (like normal), the DM started his prep much earlier, finished much earlier and then Kraj didn’t join until 1 minute before kick off <sigh>

Mike joined, complained everyone was a bit quiet and suspected Windows had altered his volumes:

  • Mike> Ah there we go…
  • DM> I got a bit carried away….
  • Mike> AAAH! Sorry, I just turned that up too much…
  • DM> HELLLLOOOO?! HEYYYYYY!!!
  • Mike> <sigh>

Start as you mean to go on, right?

The DM explained that he may have gotten a bit too carried away with the wagon design as they were about to find out. It went from four paragraphs to four pages <sigh>.

Mister Regoolas?

The adventurers (and Jake) depart Kryptgarden Forest and make for the nearby settlement of Red Larch because they are finding they need a wagon and Red Larch is home to the finest wagon makers in The North.

Named for a distinctive stand of red larch trees that were cut down when the village was founded, Red Larch is situated on a fertile patch of land on the western outskirts of the Sumber Hills, at a place where the Kheldell Path and the Cairn Road meet the Long Road.

Despite its small size, Red Larch offers many fine amenities, including the Allfaiths Shrine, a place of worship that caters to multiple faiths; the Swinging Sword, a respectable three-story stone inn with a high-pitched roof; and the Helm at Highsun, a ramshackle yet lively tavern.

Red Larch featured heavily in a previous campaign and timeline-wise, this campaign overlaps that campaign so we get to have a little bit of crossover but before that, there’s the wagon issue to take care of.

We don’t have a map because that’s in the Princes of the Apocalypse campaign book and the DM refuses to pay D&D Beyond £25 for a digital copy of a book he already owns. A map could have been ‘procured’ but the DM was too busy writing up four pages of wagon acquisition narrative. Plus, we don’t need no stinkin’ map!

As the adventurers (and Jake) arrive at the busier part of the main street a young boy approaches them. He is relatively well dressed in worn but clean working clothes and is squinting at a scrap of paper in his hand:

  • Boy> ’Scuse me, are any of you Mister Regoolas? I have a message here for Mister Regoolas!
  • Mr Regoolas> <sigh> I am…. Mister Regoolas.
  • Boy> Mister Thorsk at the Thelorn wagon yard needs to talk to you about your wagon sir.
  • Mr Regoolas> Ah… good… which wagon would that be?
  • Boy> No idea sir, I just get to read the message.
  • DM> The boy runs off.
  • Mr Regoolas> Could you point us in the direc… ah, ok
  • DM> Yeah, he’s gone…
  • Mr Regoolas> I’m still talking to air…

Thankfully a nearby bystander points them in the right direction. Thelorn’s Safe Journeys comprises of three huge sheds in a triangle surrounded by sturdy wagons at all stages of assembly. The quality of Thelorn’s wagons is well known throughout the region.

  • DM> You are pointed to a tall burly looking gentleman otherwise indistinguishable from the other workers.
  • Thorsk> I’m Thorsk Thelorn, I take it one of you is Mr Regoolas?
  • Mr Regoolas> Yes, it is pronounced ‘Regulus’. We were told to come and speak to you Mister Thorsk.
  • Thorsk> Ah, yes, some weeks ago a very… ‘flamboyant’ gentleman dropped off a delivery of wagon parts along with some basic assembly instructions. He said a Mr Regoolas would be along to take delivery and approve the final design elements. While he provided the parts, he said you would pay for the labour.
  • DM> And he cocks an eyebrow at you.
  • Mr Regoolas> Of course we will compensate you for the work you have done.
  • Thorsk> Ok, that will be 11,000 gold pieces please.
  • <silence>
  • DM> Just joshing!
  • <nervous laughter>
  • Abelas> My eyes went wide!
  • Thorsk> There’s been a lot of time put into this but it’s 250 gold pieces but I will do you a deal. This wagon is a bit special, people are going to ask you where it was made. If you agree to mention our name, I’ll drop the price down to 150 gold.
  • Mr Regoolas> Yeah, I’ll tinker some sort of display with your name on it.
  • Thorsk> Outstanding, just a small plate on the back will be fine.

Thorsk takes them over to a tarpaulin covered pile which turns out to be various plates and parts of a dark grey metal He explains that these were left over from building the basic design.

The parts are of a metal that Thorsk has never seen before, dark grey and very strong. It resembles Darksteel but is extremely light. They have constructed a normal, basic wagon out of wood but only at half the usual thickness. The metal plates have then been attached to the wood making for a very light and yet very sturdy chassis.

The bed of the wagon is 20ft long and 8ft wide. It resembles a large flat-bottomed boat with the prow cut off. The side are around 4ft high. The body sits 4ft clear of the ground on four spoked wheels clad in the same grey metal. A large central bar runs the length of the underside of the body and holds the axles and the suspension which is a leaf spring design.

As Standard

Thorsk says “I know it looks like a bit of a monster but well… let me demonstrate”

He beckons three nearby workers over and the four them take a wheel each and, with only moderate effort, manage to lift the wagon completely off the floor and then gently set it down again.

Thorsk then says “It’s not dainty but you should be able to carry it over rough ground if you need to. You’ll probably want to unload any cargo first though” he looks the party over “But something tells me you won’t be hauling much in the way of cargo so we need to discuss what to do with the rest of it.”

“All of our wagons come as standard with externally mounted water barrels, feed boxes and tool kits should you need to make repairs. The seams are also caulked and so should be waterproof and this model will float if you need to cross any rivers. You also get a canvas roof that can easily be fitted or removed as required.”

“Currently it is fitted with collapsible bench seats. Sounds rough but they are actually cushioned and comfortable. We can also add some utility items to the inside like, for example, a small smithy. Obviously this costs cargo space. If you can think of a need, we can probably fit something in there to take care of it… might get expensive though.”

“This is as far as the plans we were given go, with two outstanding design choices to be made; where the driver sits and whether the armoured panels are fixed or folding.”

Insy or Outsy?

He tells the adventurers (and Jake)… you know I’m going to keep that up until the end of the campaign, right? Anyway, he tells them that the first decision is whether you want the driver inside the body of the wagon or on a more traditional seat on the outside. The inside option is safer for the driver but makes steering the wagon a lot harder. The outside option exposes the driver but allows for more space and utility inside the wagon. If they choose the outside option the yard can fit retractable protective plates to cover the driver’s flanks and give some decent protection from the sides at least.

Thorsk says “Whatever you choose, we can always reverse it but again, might get a bit expensive.”

A discussion took place. It was relatively short for this lot which means it would still put a soviet tractor production committee to shame. I’ll cover bits of it.

  • Mr Regoolas> <having given some reasoning> …so I would have thought on the outside. What does everybody else think?
  • <silence>
  • <silence>
  • <tumbleweed>
  • <laughter>

Dungeons and Dragons; friends solving problems together with dice <sigh>.

  • Clay> My gut is inside!
  • <I would certainly hope so!>
  • Elvira> Er… I missed last week, what’s happening?
  • Mr Regoolas> <sigh>

Looking back through the recording, Adam appeared on the Discord overlay at timestamp 31:30, which was the point where the boy with the note asked Regulus if he were Mr Regoolas. At 41:03 Adam is actually heard for the first time:

Adam> I really thought you guys were trolling me really well until I looked down and saw that I had muted myself!

The ensuing hysteria and abuse derailed things nicely for a while.

Adam> The problem was, every time I said something, someone else said something that made sense as a response!

And that set everyone off again.

  • – Mike asked Christina what she thought, “I don’t know, I can see the advantages of both” was the non-committal reply.
  • – Adam wants both options and to put a dummy driver up on the front seat.
  • – Mike invited Adam to go back on mute.
  • – Adam wants the facility to go full Mad Max and strap the next prisoner to the front of it <sigh>
  • <Secretly the DM quite likes this idea but don’t tell anyone, especially Adam okay?!>
  • – Thorsk offers to fit extra long traces so the driver can bail into the wagon if needed. Steering in a straight line would be okay, anything else probably wouldn’t be.
  • – Adam now wants a kind of half-arsed ejection system to flip the driver back into the wagon bed <sigh>
  • – Kraj employed logic and reasoning, abandoned both when it was too hard and rolled a d4 to make the decision for him <sigh>
  • – The DM suggested that anyone’s decision that was based on not being able to make a decision should probably be ignored.

Eventually, they had a vote and outside won.

  • Matt> I want it on record for the minutes that Mike agreed with Adam!
  • <laughter>

The DM informed the adventurers (and Jake) that while wagon driving is a skill, anyone can drive the wagon. Driving the wagon well is another matter, especially in tight quarters or at high speed. However, simply spending time driving the wagon will make you better at it.

Flexible or Rigid?

DM> Thorsk has been waiting patiently while you had this discussion and has a rather amused look on his face. He says “Right then… second decision”.

He explains that the second decision involves the mounting of armoured panels above the existing sides. These are 4ft high giving a total of 8ft of armour and they enclose the entire body of the wagon. They have covered ports that will allow those inside to shoot things at those outside, three on each side and one front and rear.

These can be mounted in a fixed manner so they are permanently up, or in a flexible manner where they fold down outside of the wagon bed when not in use. The downside of the flexible version is that it takes a bit of time to put them up. However, folding ones make for a much better passenger experience and allow for more flexible cargo arrangements or utility options… like if you want it to extend the bed outwards, for example.

DM> “So what do you think?” he says and goes and casually leans against a nearby post settling in for a while.

  • – Jake wants an auto-extend mechanism.
  • – Thorsk says it’ll cost a bit but they have a backlog and can’t do the work for at least 3 weeks.
  • – Mike points out, probably correctly, that if the go flexible they just have to understand that they will never have the sides up at the right time.
  • – Adam wants to get the flexible ones and then just never put them down <sigh>
  • – Mister Regoolas arbitrarily decides to go for flexible without putting it to a vote and thus saved us a couple of hours of discussion.

Upgrades

The workers wheel the wagon back into the yard to start work and Thorsk says to Mister Regoolas “The gentleman suggested you may have more plans?”

Regulus and Thorsk look over the plans from the book and investigation checks are made. It takes a bit of time but a joint effort gets them a little further in understanding the instructions but not much. The plans seem… not exactly encrypted but they aren’t designed to be easily interpreted either. They make some headway when Thorsk figures out that they are written in the journal in the wrong order.

Thorsk states “These are beyond me, but it’s better now we have them in the right order and they require the services of a master enchanter to get started… that might get expensive. The next upgrades look like a rear defence option, a roof and then there’s a mount for some serious weaponry but it doesn’t say what it is… I think, these last three sets are… looks dwarven… mechanical. I can’t make head nor tail of them. Nothing we can do with them for now, try chatting with a few other master smiths and see if they can help figure it out then bring it back and we’ll build it for you but… might get expensive”

“If you come up with any ideas for fitting small modifications, drop by and well see what we can do.”

Shopping, Thinking and Maths

The DM enquired if anyone wanted to do some shopping. Mister Regoolas pointed out quite pointedly that everyone should buy a healing kit.

  • Adam> How much is this wagon costing us each?
  • Jake> It’s 150g total so…. So…. Erm… I… <sniggering starts> Oh someone maths it, I can’t be arsed!
  • DM> If you’d had to pay for the materials you’d still be paying for it in a few years. Thankfully, you are being aided by someone who owes you quite a lot.

There was a LOT of discussion about how much gold everyone had.

  • Kraj> Er… apparently I have no gold! I thought I had about 35…
  • DM> You had 260, I saw it on your character sheet earlier…
  • Kraj> <sigh> You probably deleted it.
  • Jake> <meaningfully> You probably gave it to me didn’t you?
  • Mike> Kraj, that was brave, you’ve basically just blamed the DM for you losing money. I admire your bravery!
  • Kraj> It’s always his fault!
  • DM> <laughing> I’ve cost him so much money in games we’ve never played. We better make it to retirement or I’m going to get properly guilted out.

Then it was bright idea time:

  • Mister Regoolas> I wonder if I should get a spare healers kit for Anonymoose, and somehow train him to administer first aid! Oh, I want to do that now.
  • <Mister Regoolas has an animal Handling skill of +1, the DM is not worried >
  • Joffrey> I mean we could put little satchels on Solo with healing potions in!
  • <silence>
  • Mister Regoolas> Well… let’s see what solo turns into first.
  • DM> <having not thought it through> That is not actually a terrible idea…

Before heading off to the inn/tavern, they pressed the button on the box and it was decided to put Solo, Joffrey’s tressym (flying cat) in the box:

  • DM> Solo just looks at you as you try to coax him into the box, he’s really not sure.
  • Joffrey> I give him a little bit of cheese to encourage him in.
  • DM> Ok, he goes in, he sitting there with this lump of cheese hanging loosely out of his mouth and he’s just looking at you, he’s doing the puss-in-boots look up at you…

Abelas> Awww. He’s trying to empathise with the wrong person though.

The lid is closed, the button is pressed and the glowy purple light does its thing. Solo comes out as a very dark purple flying panther. Just to be clear, Solo is exactly the same size as he was when he went in, so while he’s a flying panther, he’s still only the size of a large house cat.

So now it’s time for Regoolas’ gloves except it turns out they aren’t gloves, they are his actual hands and so they have to be detached, with the obvious problems that brings, and then when they are fantabulousised they have to be put back on. The DM would have really liked to have dragged this out but we’re going to Talepire in a bit and there only so much shit-show the DM can handle in one session.

Regoolas can now choose the elemental damage type of his fists once per day as a bonus action. The DM needs to flesh that out as he did it off the cuff and absolutely nothing can go wrong with designing magical items in a rush, right? Right.

It’s party time. P, A, R, T. Why? Because I gotta!

So they head in to the inn and run into Cru and the rest of the PoA party. Drinks and conversations were had. Celdar and Darin sit moodily at the end of a table saying nothing and being emo. There’s a Tempest Cleric who seems to be drinking some kind of cocktail made of drain cleaner and glitter. There’s a wizard who Abelas tries to talk to and comes to the conclusion that A) he probably isn’t a wizard and B) he may be a bit mad. Cru and Clay hit it off really well.

It’s not that the DM forgot Kroq (he totally did) it’s just that Kroq was off chasing Hellhounds… or something.

  • DM> There also a really annoying bard…
  • Clay> Boooooooooo! I throw a tomato!
  • DM> He warms the crowd up with a rendition of ‘Darin is a Cunt’. Matt can you roll on the performance table please?

Matt rolls low….

DM> Some days it just doesn’t work. You can’t hold a note and you keep forgetting the lyrics. You are booed off stage and the innkeeper charges you 5g for loss of earnings.

The DM did these performance tables for Uffo back in the day. There are 100 entries to see what happens when you perform. It’s just a nice thing to do in various inns as you travel and it will, mostly, end up profiting from a small amount of gold. Any bard in any future campaign can use these if they wish.

Chazlauth Revisited

So now they need to services of a master enchanter to continue the work and there’s only one they know of. Regoolas is not very happy about this.

They return to Chazlauth’s tall stone house with a tower in the North Ward of Waterdeep. The DM reminds them that Chazlauth was the one that sent them to Kryptgarden to see if they could learn anything from Claugiliamatar. That name drop was quite intentional.

DM> You have to knock several times and quite loudly before Chazlauth opens the door:

“Yes, yes, hang on friends I’m coming…” He sees Regulus “Oh, it’s you…” He sighs deeply “Come inside I’ll get the tea on..” he looks behind you “Nice wagon”. He stares at Regulus “Looks expensive” and totters off into the house.

  • Regoolas> <sigh> I fear it is going to be.
  • Abelas> Why have you pissed off the one person we need?!
  • Regoolas> In my mind he is now my nemesis!

The tea is excellent, the house is far quieter than it was during their last visit. When they are all settled and drinking Chazlauth asks “Did you meet her in Kryptgarden?”

  • Regoolas> Yes, yes we did…
  • Abelas> I’ve got this haunted look on my face!
  • Chazluath> Ah, I see you did! Do you happen to know her real name?
  • Regoolas> Er… yes.. it was… Claugiliamatar.
  • DM> Chazlauth looks completely stunned “It cannot be! It is impossible to pronounce a dragon’s real name unless <gasp> You must be who the prophecies speak of! You must be… the Chosen One!”
  • <slightly hysterical laughter>
  • Abelas> <losing it> Sorry, sorry! This is a very serious occasion!
  • Regoolas> <cautiously> Chosen by whom?
  • Chazluath> The prophecies! They choose the chosen one! Don’t you feel like the chosen one?
  • Regoolas> <wearily> I sometimes feel like I’ve been chosen for something… yes.
  • Chazluath> Well, for a start it is prophesied that the Chosen One will believe anything you tell him! HAHAHA! HAHA-HAHA! HAAAAH-okay, whaddya want?

Apologies to the script writers of Constantine for that one.

Adam had to leave rather abruptly but he remained in Discord. The DM wanted to kick him from the chat so we could discuss something that Adam has forgotten about and the DM didn’t want him to hear. And so it came to be that DM, who has over thirty five years experience working with IT, managed to kick Adam from the entire discord server and not just the channel <sigh>

Chazza Can Fix it For You

Regoolas explains the issue to Chazlauth and shows him the diagrams. Chazlauth can’t make head nor tail of them until Regoolas notices he is holding them upside down and gently corrects the issue.

Chazluath says “Hmm, you have two problems, portability and defence”, and he rummages in his robes and brings out a small crystal ball about the size of a peach. It is a reddish brown colour and he holds it up balanced on the tips of his fingers and thumb and squints at you all through it.

  • DM> You all feel a force attempting to pull you… elsewhere, it doesn’t feel hostile, quite the opposite, do you acquiesce?
  • Regoolas> <reluctantly> Yes…
  • <silence>
  • DM> <sigh> Does anyone NOT acquiesce?
  • Abelas> No.
  • <silence while everyone tries to work out what that means>
  • Abelas> I don’t… not… acquiesce?
  • <laughter>
  • Abelas> My brain! My brain didn’t know what it was doing!
  • DM> I sympathise, I’ve had a lot of that lately, but it’s still going in the write up.
  • Abelas> Oh nooooo!
  • <sympathetic laughter>
  • DM> Suddenly you are in a gorgeous mountain meadow, still sitting in the chairs and the sofa you were before. It is idyllic; green grass, fragrant flowers, a clear bubbling stream, blue skies, puffy white clouds and off in the distance over the mountains, several young brass dragons seem to be playing tag in the sky. And then, just like that, you are back again.

“Portable dimension sphere” says Chazluath “Look at the wagon through the orb, it and the horses go off to have a frolic while you all go to get slaughtered by giants. Works once a day. Can’t give you this one, they’ll get eaten”

He totters over to a nearby cabinet and opens a panel revealing a rack of at least a dozen of the orbs, he mutters over them for a few seconds, picks one up and casually tosses it over his shoulder to Regulus without looking. The DM asks Regulus to make a dexterity check. In hindsight, that may have been a mistake <sigh>

Pass the Fucking Parcel!

  • Regulus> Er.. that’s ten?
  • DM> You throw your hand up and you almost catch it but it bounces off your fingertips to the right. Elvira, could you please make a Dex check?

Now the DM hadn’t seriously thought Regulus would fail it and even if he did Elvira has dexterity for days so she’ll catch it, right? Right. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Elvira rolls a nine <sigh>

The DM takes a deep breath, wonders why he thought this was a good idea and desperately tries to get out of it… but not really thinking it through when he asked Clay, AKA ‘Matt the doom dicer’, to roll next.

  • DM> Okay then… you fumble it completely and it shoots back up in the air. Clay, can you please make a check… but you’ve been watching so you aren’t surprised so it’s just a straight Dex check.
  • <Matt rolls>
  • <People laugh>
  • Matt> <depressed> Seven
  • <More laughter>
  • Mike> I think we all know where this is going to go, it’s going to be up to Jake to catch it isn’t it?
  • Jake> No! Nooooo! I’ll drop it!
  • DM> <lets out a long heartfelt sigh> You shoot a fast hand out to grab it but instead it hits your fingertips and shoots across the room towards… Abelas. <With weary resignation> Abelas, could you please make a Dex check for me?
  • Mike> This is your moment to shine!
  • <No pressure there then>
  • Jake> What if I cast Mage Hand to catch it?
  • DM> No time! Tell you what, as you and Celdar are both stood next to each other and you’ve both had plenty of time to see it coming, you are absolutely ready for it! Can you both roll please?
  • Jake> C’mon, c’mon, I don’t ask much from you dice!
  • <Jake’s dice completely ignore him and produce an 8. Groans turn to cheers as Kraj rolls a 17!>
  • DM> Celdar just casually snatches it our of the air and passes it sideways to Regulus without even looking at him.

<sigh> Well done everyone, another happy landing!

The orb is a light blue colour and functionally indestructible so it wouldn’t really have mattered if they’d dropped it except to give Chazluath something to be grumpy about.

Damp it Down

Chazlauth watches the orb orbit the room, rolling his eyes as it finally gets to Regulus and he says “As for defence, I need to enchant the wagon with a magic dampening field. You won’t be able to cast spells inside it but spells cast at it won’t work either. Magic items, anything inherently magic will work just fine inside it but that goes both ways so don’t piss off a dragon ‘cause it will still, eventually, melt it into scrap!

It’ll take two days to get the work done, with the orb that’s 8,000 gold, but you’re going up against the giants so we’ll make it 4,000, I’ll take a 2,000 gold deposit, the rest payable in a year or I get the wagon and the horses” and just for a second you think you see his eyes turn a metallic brown colour “Don’t make me come and get it”

Jake> I don’t think I ever wanted to say this Mike but I think you might be right!

The DM summarises the situation and manages to cock that up as well:

  • DM> Once per day you can banish the wagon and any willing creatures and once per day you can bring them back. The orb recharges at dawn. It’s 2,000 gold, you still owe him 2,000 gold. You’ve got a year, you may well die in a year facing off against the dragons and if so, Chazluath gets the wagon and the horses.
  • Mike> Giants…
  • DM> Yeah…
  • Mike> Facing off against the giants…
  • DM> What did I say?
  • Everyone> Dragons!
  • DM> <casually> You don’t think there’s dragons in this?
  • Matt> Not if we’re moving to Talespire there isn’t!
  • <laughter>

Oh touché sir! Remind me next Thursday Matt and I’ll give you an ‘Owning the DM’ inspiration.

They started a discussion on who would pay what to the war wagon.

  • Kraj> I’m sure I heard Adam say he would pay a thousand.
  • Matt> If you don’t want to put all your money in, just say so!

The DM sent message to Adam via the WhatsApp channel, thanking Joffrey for his generous donation to the war wagon widows and orphans fund. Joffrey actually only donated 250g

Adam, this has been removed from Joffrey’s sheet, you still have 390g left.

The Grand Tour

They have a couple of travel options and they decided to take the wagon on a leisurely drive through the countryside of the North in summertime. Sadly, they weren’t attacked as the DM spent entirely too much time designing it and didn’t have enough time to design an encounter to test it. I’ll get to it though, don’t worry.

They arrive at Longsaddle where the DM had a complete reading fail. This is what he eventually managed to deliver:

This sleepy little frontier village and member of the Lords’ Alliance straddles the Long Road, with rows of homes and businesses on either side of the trade route. Noteworthy establishments include a rustic inn called the Gilded Horseshoe and a friendly festhall called the Gambling Golem, where card games and a local marbles game known as scattershields are popular. Off in the distance, one can see horses and herds of cattle on sprawling ranches.

Monsters or brigands sometimes mistake Longsaddle for easy pickings — unaware that a family of powerful human wizards, the Harpells, lives nearby. Their grand house, Ivy Mansion, lies west of Longsaddle at the end of a long, winding path. The Harpells founded the village but take no part in its government, preferring to live quietly on their estate. Magical wards placed throughout Longsaddle and the Ivy Mansion warn the Harpells when trouble’s afoot.

As the characters pass through Longsaddle, they see a wanted poster bearing a charcoal sketch of a dwarf with dark hair and a mad gaze, under which are written words in Common: “Let justice be done! The Marchion of Mirabar hereby offers 5,000 gold pieces for the capture of the brigand Worvil Forkbeard, known from Luskan to Mirabar as the Weevil. Last seen around the Mines of Mirabar, the Weevil is wanted for theft and murder. He is armed and dangerous. Deliver him to the Axe of Mirabar to receive payment.”

The DM stresses the ‘capture’ part of the equation.

  • Abelas> Can we show that to… can we just make sure that Elvira understands it completely that we want this person alive.
  • <Laughter starts>
  • <The DM thought that was a bit rich coming from Abelas the slayer of helpless captives>
  • Regulus> Prisoner! Pris… on… er! To be fair, he wasn’t the last one to kill a prisoner was he?
  • Elvira> Prisoner?! Shoot it!
  • Regulus> Yes Jake, but what if this one annoys you?
  • Abelas> It’s okay, I can control myself!
  • Regulus> Yes, but with your saving throws you’re not going to be controlling anyone else.

Ohhhh! A hit right in the unmentionables with that one!

Tales From the Spire (here commenseth the shit-show)

Not much else going on in Longsaddle so they boogied on down, boogied on down that road to Xantharl’s Keep to try and find the evil Weevil.

  • DM> Can you please load Talespire up now please?
  • Jake> I’m going to flex and keep TTS open while I load up Talespire. While that loads, I’m going to grab a drink.
  • Kraj> “I’m gonna flex and leave TTS and load Talespire” but his computer is so slow he’s going to go and make a drink while it loads?
  • DM> I was thinking it, you said it!
  • <mucho laughter at Jake’s expense>

The players were loaded into the home board, a nice campfire setting and Christina’s laptop didn’t catch fire. Which was nice. The DM then summoned everyone to the Xantharl’s Keep board which is a lot bigger and has a lot more elements to it and Christina’s laptop didn’t explode. Which was also nice.

Xantharl was a well-known ranger and explorer of the North. The fortified village that bears his name stands in the middle of nowhere, on the west side of a notoriously dangerous and rugged stretch of the Long Road. An outer wall with heavy crossbows mounted to its battlements encloses a keep sheltered by a steep roof to shed snow. Surrounding the keep are dozens of narrow stone houses with heavy shutters and steep roofs of their own. The Falling Orc inn and tavern, a wood-frame structure built on the remains of an older stone building that caught fire and burned down, stands near the main gates next to the stables. The hulking yet friendly proprietor, Arzastra, is a half-ogre.

The Lord of Xantharl’s Keep is Narbeck Horn who reports to the marchion of Mirabar. Narbeck has a sending stone that allows him to speak to the marchion directly, ensuring that news of any threat to Mirabar from the south is quickly relayed. Narbeck commands a garrison of one hundred fifty veterans, which is over twice the population of the village itself.

Cutscene mode was engaged and the DM delivered the above narrative while switching the view from the gate to a long range shot of the entire village, then the keep, on to the inn and finally a shot of the blacksmiths near the back gate.

Mike broke the sound and Kraj somehow managed to teleport himself back to the home board. Well done both.

They reason they came here was because way back in Triboar they heard someone matching the Weevil’s description was working in the stables. The DM has looked it up and the first Triboar session was posted September 13th 2020 so it’s been awhile. This was also the session where Adam lost his monitor, so he’s been getting shit for it for 10 months.

We spent a bit of time getting to know how Talespire works with movement and line of sight and stuff but eventually they entered the town and went to the inn.

Nice day to stand in a field

So as per usual when this stuff happens the DM would like to outline what he expected would go down:

  • 1. Players approach innkeeper, players show innkeeper the wanted poster, players ask innkeeper if Weevil works here.
  • 2. Innkeeper says yes, gives explanation of why she hired him, tells them where he is.
  • 3. Adventurers (and Jake) approach Weevil, say “You are under arrest miscreant!”
  • 4. Weevil says “Fuck off you pump sucking dirt lickers!”
  • 5. The players subdue and capture the Weevil, Elvira may or may not shoot him.
  • 6. The guards show up and say “’Ello, ‘ello, what’s goin’ on ‘ere then?!”
  • 7. The adventurers (but probably not Jake (and definitely not Joffrey)) explain to the guards that they have apprehended a wanted criminal, show them the poster, the guards are happy and everything is cool and awesome.

So, let’s find out what actually happened shall we?

Now the DM had a bit of a rant during the following that was supposed to be funny/sarcastic but may have crossed into not funny but definitely sarcastic. Listening back to the build up to the rant did to my blood pressure exactly what it did the first time around though. Brace yourselves, the following is not pretty… although, in hindsight, it is fairly funny. At least I think so, sod the rest of you 🙂

  • DM> The innkeeper is stood outside and a bard is playing nearby to try and entice customers inside.
  • Regulus> Right, do we want to ask the innkeeper, bearing in mind this could be someone working in his stable…
  • <sigh, it’s HER stable>

At this point we discover that the Tab key shows the mini names and then the players notice a dwarf called Larg in the nearby pasture tending to some animals.

I simply don’t have it in me to produce the next 17 minutes of conversation in detail so I’ll summarise:

– Arxastra invites them in to partake in refreshments

– Clay’s attempt to dance on a table ended up with him getting stuck under the map <sigh>

– They decide not to show the wanted poster around. That’s an interesting decision.

– They book some rooms at the inn and head out for a look around town without bothering to ask anyone at the inn anything about the person they are looking for.

– The DM makes a very pointed comment about how its going to be difficult to find someone without asking about them.

– They utterly ignore the DM’s pointed suggestion <sigh>. Trust me, it wasn’t subtle either.

– While stood in the field outside the inn they notice the dwarf in the pasture is holding a random dead rabbit (seriously, he was)

– They also notice that the dwarf in the pasture looks like the dwarf in the picture on the wanted poster.

– They got worried about what the guards would do so the DM had to come up with a solution for that.

– Having managed to cram a third option (talk to the guards) into a previously clear-cut two-option scenario (talk to the potential Weevil or talk to someone about the potential Weevil), they then started trying to decide which of the now three options they should pursue.

– The DM suggested that they ask a local about what would happen if they started a fight with a wanted criminal. Not getting the hint they started dithering about that as well. The DM very pointedly gave an example of a very brief hypothetical conversation which would yield a fuck-ton (imperial not metric) of useful information.

– Having had a remarkably similar chat with a guard and cleared their impending apprehension with the local authorities, they promptly went back to standing about in a field and overthinking things instead of actually doing anything.

– Kraj wants to ask the innkeeper about the Weevil to see if the dwarf is in fact the person they are looking for.

– The DM does a mental leap for joy!

– Mike won’t ask the innkeeper about the Weevil because he thinks the innkeeper is in on it with the Weevil based on.. based on.. oh, based of absolutely fuck all <sigh>

– The DM cries inside a little.

– They stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– Mike now doesn’t want to do anything because it seems like too easy a fight.

– They stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– They have a conversation about what they are going to say to the Weevil when they confront him.

– They choose not to confront him and stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– The DM asks what Dog the Bounty Hunter would do (ask around about the perp and then go kick his arse!)

– They choose not to ask around about the perp and not to go kick his arse and they stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– They finally decide to notify the guards they are going to confront the dwarf and then, finally, they go and confront the dwarf! (Yay!)

– No, no they didn’t. They don’t actually do any of that (Boooo!) Instead they discuss sending Celdar around the back in case the stumpy legged dwarf makes a run for it. They continue to stand in a field doing nothing some more.

– They now want a review of what the wanted poster said. The DM obliges and re-reads the entire poster for them, sounding a lot more cheery than he was feeling.

– So now, finally (again), they go and confront the potential Weevil!

– No, no they didn’t. Instead they sent Celdar to search the dwarf’s belongings for clues. While Celdar did this the rest of them stand around in a field doing nothing some more.

– Celdar doesn’t find anything.

– Now they decide to spy on him for a bit and see what he does. Except they don’t, they stand in a field doing nothing some more.

Ranty McRantface

And thus, seventeen minutes after leaving the inn and standing in the field doing nothing, we come to the DM rant <sigh>. It starts with a player asking a question about the Weevil and the DM asking who that question was addressed to.

DM> <starts calm and quiet but gradually ramps up to not calm and not quiet> Maybe you should address that question to someone who MIGHT FUCKING KNOW! TALK TO FUCKING SOMEONE! <laughing> All you have to do is find out if he is the dude! Talk to him! Talk to someone about him! Don’t just stand in the middle of a fucking field going “Well could we do this, could we do that, could we do the other thing?” Fucking DO SOMETHING. Sorry, I need to calm down <starts laughing again> fucking wooosah! <the DM’s laughter gets slightly hysterical> You said what you need to do about seven times now!

Somewhat surprisingly, the party decide to talk to the innkeeper.

In all seriousness, apologies to anyone who was offended by the rant. Listening back, it wasn’t as bad as I remembered it but it wasn’t good either. We will put in steps to stop this dithering happening in the future so we don’t get to this stage. The players need freedom to act as they wish but the game still needs to stay on track and we shouldn’t be spending nearly twenty minutes to make a relatively simple decision.

Jake wants to just go talk to the potential Weevil but Mike attempts to apply real-world law enforcement procedures to Sword Coast bounty hunting and so they don’t. Instead they decide to go and talk to the innkeeper.

Clay chats to the innkeeper about general things; how long the inn has been there, how long she has been there, how many staff and a casual “Oh tell me about the dwarf, has he been here long?”

Turns out ‘Larg’ told Arzastra that he and his adventuring companions were caught in an avalanche while hunting a red dragon in the Valley of Khedrun, and only he survived. Thanks to a natural 20 insight check from Regulus, and no thanks to a 7 from Clay, it was determined that Arzastra was not being deceptive.

  • Clay> I glance at Regulus and give him a knowing look that I think we should tell her who he really is and what we want to do. I’m not going to say it just yet, I’m just after a nod of approval.
  • Regulus> <laughing> I’m going to stare him straight in the eyes and I’m going to express that I appreciate what he’s saying but… and I’m just saying this with my eyes… that I have certain concerns about sharing that information in case she has a soft spot for him. I’m putting all that across In a knowing nod.
  • DM> Clay, can you please make an insight check on Regulus?
  • <Clay rolls a 15>
  • DM> Yeah… you got about a tenth of that…

They show her the poster and she gasps and says “That’s him! That’s obviously him!”

Regulus and Clay approach Larg while the rest take strategic positions (that means they hid took cover at the back). Larg declined to be taken anywhere by anyone and unlimbered a pair of +1 handaxes; roll initiative!

Someone remind me about the +1 handaxes next week. They are nice weapons and you can always sell them if you don’t use them.

Calm Before the Storm

The Weevil is a Bandit Captain with a couple of minor upgrades, this should be over really quickly and absolutely nothing can go wrong, right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

  • DM> Ah, I’ve called Celdar, Cledar…
  • Celdar> Been called worse!
  • <He has and usually by the DM>
  • Regulus> I love that it puts up Abelas’ full name “Abelas the Formerly Drowned”
  • <Abelas lost his mini in the sea during the test last week>
  • Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I forget that it has an actual initiative system. I’ll be back in just one second while get that all set up.
  • Regulus> Yeah, I’m just going to grab a drink Gary, I’ll be back in a second.

Yes, Talespire does indeed have a really cool in-built initiative system. Do you know what piece of information the DM needs to populate that system? The player’s initiative.

  • DM> <starts running down the board> Okay, initiative please Clay?
  • Clay> Thirteen.
  • DM> Okay, initiative please Abelas?
  • <giggles>
  • DM> Oh… okay, initiative please Regulus?
  • <more giggles>
  • DM> <sigh>
  • <The rest of the initiative board is completed>
  • Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I’m back!
  • DM> <mock outraged> So nice of you you to disappear while we’re doing the initiative!
  • Regulus> Sorry!
  • DM> Nah, fuck you, you’re both going last!
  • <laughter>

Jake the Computer Programmer> I figure it would have told you the initiative since we rolled it!

Yes, it can magically read your character sheet and apply your Dex modifier <sigh> Aside from occasionally programming things, Jake’s job also requires the highest level of written and verbal communication skills. Genuinely, it’s in the job description:

  • DM> Abelas and Cledar, who’s going first?
  • Abelas the Formerly Drowned> Do you want to? Celdar?
  • Cledar> Go for it, yeah.
  • Abelas the Formerly Drowned> …aight, I’ll do it… right.. as in… er.. do we want to roll off… or?
  • Regulus> <laughing so hard his voice is squeaky> Oh fuck me!
  • Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I DON’T KNOW.. I.. what the.. I… what the answ.. what that question was!
  • DM> <trying VERY hard NOT to laugh and summoning something vaguely approaching sympathy> I fear you are having some communication issues tonight mate.
  • Abelas the Formerly Drowned> I.. ye… aaaaaaaaah! FUUUUUCK!

Good times.

The DM then realised he had a slight problem because he didn’t know how to get stuff on the initiative board.

The DM’s problem got somewhat worse when he managed to put a goat on the initiative board by accident. Yes, really <sigh>

The DM’s problem then got considerably worse when he realised he didn’t know how to get the goat OFF the initiative board! Fuck me.

Having finally figured it out the DM populated the board and then realised what he had forgotten:

  • DM> This shouldn’t be this difficult… ah crap, I didn’t roll for Joffrey. Right, Joffrey isn’t taking part in this. He’s not necessary. Er, that’s a bit harsh…
  • Regulus> He’s not necessary in general to be fair
  • – Elvira shoots Larg for quite a bit.
  • – Larg triple attacks Regulus with magical +1 Handaxes, this is going to hurt!
  • – Larg misses all three with the DM rolling a highest attack of 10 <sigh>
  • – Clay launches two attacks and burns two trip attacks, he then action surges and launches another two attacks and uses yet another superiority dice. It’s a good job there’s nothing bad likely to happen where he will need those resources though right? Right.
  • – Clay’s final attack knocks Larg prone. Larg lays there nearly dead and wondering what just happened.
  • – Abelas the Formerly Drowned moves in for a melee attack with his rapier. He makes the strength check that the DM imposed because it’s been so long since the sword was used that it sticks in the scabbard slightly.
  • – Abelas the Formerly Drowned attacks twice for 5 and 6 damage and then demands Larg surrender. The DM asked for an Intimidation check with disadvantage (because those were some weedy hits). He rolls a 20! And then he rolls a 1! BWAHAHAHAHA!
  • – Cledar knocks out Larg with am enormous sneak attack. Yay!

Larg is manacled and they go to place him in the back of the wagon. As this is happening, an alarm bell starts ringing and town guards start running to the front gate.

There was a little bit more to that end but it was a bit if a shit-show so we’ll re-do it at the start of next session when the DM has learned to Talespire better.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

  • – Will Jake leave to make a drink again while his super computer loads up?
  • – Will Adam remember the thing?
  • – Will Adam discover the flaw in the Solo health potion plan?
  • – Will Larg survive with Elvira nearby?
  • – Will Abelas the Formerly Drowned stab the helpless prisoner?

Tune in next week to find out!