Vaguely Important Stuff –
The second part of the Captain Squint fight took place aboard the Shady Grey, trapped in a pocket dimension. The adventurers (and Jake) defeated the undead pirate captain and obtained the means to recover his lost treasure in Port Llast.
Really Important Stuff –
This episode is brought to you from the DM’s loft…
WHICH IS HOTTER THAN THE SURFACE OF THE SUN!
This may go some way to explain the DM’s testiness this session; I hate you all AND I’m hot!
Matt and Adam both decided that family was more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.
Jake played Plank as Matt decided not to turn up.
Jake-Plank critted the Master at Arrrms and used a follow-up trip attack to knock him prone. Elvira was up next however and thus had to make her ranged attacks at disadvantage.
Jake-Plank also tried to cheese a crit on the trip attack [sigh]. The DM politely corrected the player and we quickly moved on.
The Master at Arrrms summoned three sword-wraith pirates but Kraj obviously thought that was way too many and hit the first one with a main hand sneak-attack crit (ouch) and followed that up by showing off and rolling a pair of 20s for his off-hand follow up.
Overkill
noun
1. The amount by which destruction or the capacity for destruction exceeds what is necessary.
Also see: ‘Kraj once a year’.
Jake-Plank channelled Adam and spunked everything Clay had before we even got to the end boss. We then had another ‘Parlay’ lair action and one of the wraiths nearly manages to convince Plank to just give up.
Squinty the cabin boy finishes off the Master at Arrrrms with a kukri shiv to the kidneys and The Duke came out to play.
The Duke is a heavily modified DeathLock and he drops the DM’s favourite spell: Hunger of Hadar. He casts the cold black sphere of acidic tentacles on himself.
Rather surprisingly it turns out that The Duke is immune to cold and resistant to acid but he is still blinded. We then had an extended discussion in which the players felt that a room full of blindfolded people would attack each other normally and the DM felt that was utter bollocks.
The DM politely and attentively listened to Mike’s well thought out and presented argument and then ignored everything he said and ruled against. Mike is technically right on this one by the way, it’s just ‘technically right’ doesn’t overcome ‘no fucking way that happens for real’.
A certain amount of expeditious retreating took place, followed by a certain amount of attacking with disadvantage which slowed down Elvira not at all and The Duke did not last long.
Finally they came face to face with Captain Squint himself who had an AC of 21 and cast Shield the first time he was attacked. The five players seemed unhappy at having to face off against a single opponent that has the same levels of AC as they do. Shame.
What they don’t know is that Squint had a bunch of ‘once per day abilities’ and Shield was one of them so they got paranoid. That was a terrible shame too.
Abelarrrse consequently threw a lightning bolt down range that deliberately hit Old Iron Leg as well as Squint. This had consequences as Squint was pretty much forced to attack Old Iron Leg and rolled a 19 and a 20, hitting the lightning-ravaged artificer for a fuck-ton (imperial, not metric) of damage.
Despite getting off to a good start, Squint started losing the damage race and eventually succumbed to a Kraj off-hand stab and the good Captain fled to his phylactery but Old Iron Leg used his rocket boots to jet onto the quarterdeck and he put a radiant-infused fist right through the lamp.
Kraj pointed out that this was quite fitting as Regulus let the bugger out in the first place.
A ghostly scream was heard and then the fog rose and the players found themselves back in Port Llast.
And then just as quickly they found themselves back on the ship with the fog only starting to rise as the DM forgot all about the loot [sigh]. Loot was looted but the real treasure awaits next week.
Important Verbalisations –
DM> Right, so fuck you and your fucking cheese, cheese-monkey!
- DM> How much damage?
- Jake> Four damage?
- DM> Sorry, didn’t quite catch that…
- Jake> Four. four damage.
- DM> Nope, still didn’t get it, it sounded like ‘four’…
- Mike> I can’t actually do as low as four…
- Jake> [sigh] This. This is why I don’t hit stuff with a sword.
- Pirate Wraith> Look mate, why don’t you just give up? Jump overboard and swim away! You don’t want to be partied up with this bunch of losers! This fucker takes all the fun out of boss fights, this guy just can’t hit shit, this loser carries around a sword and never uses it, this one never misses, how interesting is that?! Just give up, you know you want to.
- Old Iron Leg> Er… yeah, I think I agree with all that!
- Jake-Plank> [sigh] what do I need to roll?
Old Iron Leg> That is the end of my go. See? I might have high armour class but I don’t do a lot… oh and er… he has disadvantage on any attacks other than at me.
- Squinty> At the risk of being cheesy, and I’m not trying to be cheesy…
- [Kraj immediately tires to be very cheesy indeed]
- Squinty> … can I bonus action hide to offset the blind?
- DM> [sigh] How do you hide in complete darkness?
- Squinty> Very easily!
- Old Iron Leg> He’s got an AC of 21?!
- DM> [smugly] Yep!
- Old Iron Leg> Wow!
- DM> Yeah, that’s like cheese levels of AC, right?
- Abelarrrse> Mike, how dextrous are you?
- Old Iron leg> Erm…
- Abelarrrse> Well, how conductive are you?
- Abelarrrse> And so 25 to Squint.
- DM> It’s only 12 to Captain Squint because he happens to be resistant to magic.
- Abelarrrse> Fair play!
- Squinty> You dirty….
- Abelarrrse> Ooookay then… another lightning bolty wassisname from storm thingy.
- [silence]
- Abelarrrse> Er, that made sense in my head.
- DM> Squinty?
- Squinty> I stab him in the back and say “There’s only one Squinty!”
- [Kraj rolls a 3]
- Old Iron Leg> Aaaand it’s not you.
DM> I think this may be my greatest DMing session ever!