SKT Episode 36, 37 & 38 SFR’s

Storm King’s Thunder – Episode 36 SFR*: Literally Exponentially!

*Streamlined Fiasco Reporting

Vaguely Important Stuff –

This was the third session of the Fireshear frost giant fight. Spoilers; they still didn’t finish it.

At the end of the session, with significantly depleted spell slots and hit points, they still have eight frost giants to deal with on the ship.

Harshnag notes he recently spent time travelling with a Knight of Tyr who had a remarkable ability to insult people and figures he can pull a small number of the giants off of the boat.

Really Important Stuff –

Jake admitted he was slumming it and was down to one monitor like Adam. Adam smugly informed him that he was back up to two. Adam then admitted that his second screen was ‘technically in the post’ so he’s even cheesing that.

The DM reminded everyone that two of the frost giants had previously been hit by Joffrey’s Tidal Wave and were currently knocked down. Mike didn’t even hesitate and went full Chumbawamba, proudly telling everyone how they’ll get back up again. There was ‘singing’ [sigh].

The DM asks Clay why he isn’t using a shield. Clay says he wants to do more damage. Clay takes two boulders to the face. Clay decides to equip a shield.

Jake rolled a Fireball so high the DM gave up and used a calculator for the first time ever to work out a monster’s hit points.

A frost giant sneers at Clay’s shield and hits him twice for 50 damage anyway.

FIGHTER DOWN!

Harshnag proposes a simple plan to lure small numbers of giants off the ship. The party take a really long time discussing alternative plans, a remarkable number of which involved setting fire to it having forgotten that the hostages were still aboard. After some time they decided to have Harshnag try and lure small numbers of giants off the ship [sigh].

Important Verbalisations –

  • Jake> [explaining fighter attacks to Christina] You get two attacks. Later you get more than two. It continues to get exponentially better.
  • DM> I… er… I don’t think you know what ‘exponentially’ means…
  • Jake> [sigh] Yeah…it’s like… it’s the same as ‘literally’!

DM – I should make your anthem “Crit Me Baby One More Time”

  • DM> Wow, that conversation actually degenerated twice more than I thought it would!
  • Mike> Exponentially!

DM – It’s not cocked, it’s fucking wedged in there, look at it!

  • [Sirac casts a 3rd level Cure Wounds on an unconscious Joffrey]
  • DM> That’s a 3d8+5 but Selune may smile upon you, could you roll a D20 for me?
  • Joffrey> Bless me Selune for I am your child!
  • [Joffrey rolls a 5]
  • [unsympathetic laughter]
  • DM> Yeah, Selune is not paying attention today and so it remains 3d8+5
  • Joffrey> Awww!
  • Mike>Or… Sleune is paying attention and just knows you’re a dick!
  • [Celdar sneak-attacks a nearly-dead frost giant]
  • DM> I think it is dead. I don’t think even you can fuck that up.
  • [Celdar rolls 4+2+1+1+2]
  • DM> I stand corrected!
  • Celdar> [Expletive Deleted]
  • Adam> I turn into… a Giant Vulture!
  • DM> [deep sigh & some quiet swearing]
  • Jake> Did you just google “What animals doesn’t Talespire have?” just to piss off Gary?
  • Mike> Surely you mean “Giant Moon Dove of the Desert”?
  • DM> Harshnag gets to know Joffrey’s charmed wolf.
  • Mike> Boom-chicka-wow-wow!
  • DM> [sigh] Really Mike? Really?!
  • Kraj> I know you guys see a lot of fucked up shit but still…
  • Adam> Well mike shouldn’t any more.
  • Mike> Not at work anyway…

*If PSD ever read this, IT WAS A JOKE!

Storm King’s Thunder – Episode 37: Everyone Gets to be Twats

Vaguely Important Stuff –

This was the fourth fight against the frost giants that takes place in Fireshear. Spoilers: they still didn’t finish it.

The DM sounds so bad on this recording that I’m going to keep it to listen to the next time I start to feel sorry for myself.

A pair of giants left the ship to come investigate what happened to the shore party. The adventurers (and Jake) laid an ambush by hiding and having Harshnag play dead to lure them in. This was planned really quickly and was rather effective. Quite remarkably that was not sarcasm.

They set up to attack the ship with 6 frost giants still on it. The ‘Harshnag lures some out’ plan was put in motion.

They fucked it up.

Really Important Stuff –

  • Everyone took the piss out of Jake only having one monitor and a super computer that can’t display green lights.

They are low on HP and spell slots and there are 8 frost giants still on the map. Two frost giants were successfully ambushed by them. Regulus, who obviously brought a melee spec to a ranged fight, runs up to the pair and meelees one. Abelas for no apparent reason decides to place his Fireball so it hits Regulus as well. Regulus stuffed the save and took the full 33 points of damage.

A slight flaw in their ambush was exposed when it was Harshnag’s turn. The geniuses engaged the giants just outside Harshnag’s movement range so their biggest damage dealer couldn’t deliver his biggest attacks. /golfcalp. You can view this ‘going too early’ as a foreshadowing of later events.

The deputies (and Mike) conceal themselves behind a large rock near the harbour and wait for Harshnag to do the thing he learned from Sir Baric. Just to be clear on what the plan was supposed to be; Harshnag would step off the dock onto the ice, taunt some of the giants into attacking him, he would then retreat onto the dock and out of sight of the ship and then everyone else would pile in thus allowing them to tackle the six giants piecemeal.

Harshnag advances and calls out very formally “I wish to challenge two of your strongest so-called ‘warriors’, all of whom had maternal parents that resembled an ogroid… er, with herpes. Oh yes, and they smell bad!” The frost giants on the ship take a moment to figure out that he just called their mother a troll and then the two closest ones become very angry and prepare to charge.

Remember the plan:

  • 1) Taunt giants off ship
  • 2) Pull giants out of view of ship
  • 3) Kill giants

The plan has all of three steps. Absolutely nothing could go wrong, right?

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Celdar forgets step two of the plan entirely, bonus-action dashes and drops a Fog Cloud on the ship thus aggroing all six of the giants at once. This was going to be DM comedy write-up gold for months!

And then Mike happened [sigh]. Fuck you Mike.

Mike reminded the rogue of the plan and so he did not aggro the entire ship after all and instead prepped an attack. Other similar actions were also prepped. Jake raised a concern over the blasé nature of the held actions but no one listened to the fireballing teamkiller.

They probably should have listened to him [sigh]. The two enraged giants charged using all of their movement to get to Harshnag meaning he could withdraw safely to the dock without them getting attacks of opportunity… and then Kraj’s held-action was activated and he shot one of them in full view of all the other giants on the ship [sigh]

To be fair to Kraj (and I really don’t want to be) there were at least two other held actions which would have done the same thing, he just happened to have the higher initiative. Still… Fucking Kraj [sigh]

Regulus came up with a plan that the DM described as “the most fundamentally stupid idea anyone has ever come up with since we started playing” and congratulated Mike for it whilst bemoaning the fact that Adam wasn’t there to see how it’s done properly; Mike wanted to suicide bomb the ship by putting one bag of holding inside another bag of holding [sigh].

All six giants charge the dock. The first one goes down quicker than Kraj’s mum on the DM’s birthday and two more follow with only Elvira getting badly hit in return.

For a variety of well-deserved reasons, player minis were renamed over the course of the fight:

  • 1HP-Elvira
  • StabInTheBackelas
  • WishesHeWasRangedSpeculus
  • WensleyClayle
  • Fuck Noob

Three giants remain for next week.

Important Verbalisations –

Jake – Mike suggested it and my initial instinct was “You fucking idiot” but now I think it’s not bad!

  • Abelas> So I Fireball and that is… it’s alright Regulus, my saves are shit… er, that’s a DC17 Dex save please.
  • Regulus> [slightly incredulously] Are you actually casting it at me?
  • Abelas> [having mapped out the AoE in Talespire] I wasn’t going to but then I just ended up doing it. Er, blame the snow?
  • Regulus> [flatly] You want me to make a Dex save?
  • Abelas> I don’t actually want you to but it would be kind of funny.
  • [a moment of silence occurs]
  • Abelas> Do you know what? Yes, I fucking do want you to!
  • Regulus> [eerily cheerily] Okee-dokee!
  • Abelas> Because I still remember the graphics card comments!
  • Regulus> That’s fine!
  • [It did not sound fine. It kind of sounded like a declaration of war had just been made]
  • Abelas> I slightly regret that… but not enough.
  • Regulus> [measuring out the distance to the wizard] Gary, I’m just checking… if I disengage, I can use my movement to get away and hunt other prey, yes?
  • DM> Oh definitely!
  • Abelas> Er, Bladesong!

Abelas – I’m sorry I threw a fireball alright?! That doesn’t mean EVERYONE gets to be twats!

  • [Kraj is about to get everyone killed, probably]
  • Regulus> Luckily it’s you so you might miss and as you are invisible…
  • [Kraj rolls a 23 to hit]
  • Regulus> [sigh]
  • DM> Fireball on Harshnag?
  • Abelas> Nope, I like Harshnag a LOT more than Regulus.
  • [Date of session: 16th September 2021]
  • Jake> I cannot wait for the write-up from this session.
  • DM> It’ll be about six months at the rate I’m getting them done.
  • [Date write up complete: 18th June 2022]
  • DM> Which will be a good thing because everyone will have forgotten about the time Abelas deliberately Fireballed Mike, Kraj got everyone killed and Mike came up with a plan so stupid even Adam didn’t think of it.
  • Mike> I still maintain it’s an amazing plan, a blaze of glory plan! I’d be billowing the fuck out that cape while I was doing it!

Storm King’s Thunder – Episode 38: Loading it Now

Vaguely Important Stuff –

This was the fifth fight against the frost giants that takes place in Fireshear. Spoilers: they only actually bloody finished it!

The nearly dead, out of spell slots party still face one somewhat buggered frost giant and two full health frost giants. In they end they defeated them without too much trauma, mainly thanks to the DM rolling pants for boulder throws.

The captain’s cabin on the ship was searched and they found a bloodstained pouch containing 17 wooden coins embossed with the image of a golden goose and a set of orders.

The orders are from the frost giant leader Jarl Stovald to a Captain Jarvak; The Jarl paid a hefty price to the Zhentarim for them to obtain a drop of Artus Cimber’s blood and the letter intimates the giants are using that to track him. It also seems that agents of the great red dragon Klauth (dragon cultists) have become aware that the frost giants seek something and may try to interfere. They are to be killed without hesitation or mercy.

A chest was also found which contained several items of minor loot as well as:

  • – Several ledgers marked with the seal of the Port Llast harbourmaster
  • – A large good-quality map of the sword coast
  • – 730 gold pieces
  • – Several items of soiled female underwear (very large sized)
  • – A small metal coffer
  • – A magical item; Captain Squint’s Eye Patch which can be used as either an eye patch or a sling.

The casket was made of an unusual, unknown metal, and Regulus opened it. As soon as the intricate catch was release, an indistinct ghostly figure shot from the box, paused a moment as if to get its bearings and then flew through the hull heading south-east. At this point the box was examined and found to be magical, enchanted from the Abjuration school which deals with spells of protection.

From the dates on the ledgers it looks like the frost giants raided Port Llast about two months prior.

They adventurers (and Jake) finish their griffin riding training with Dasharra and she offers them a hefty discount on future use of her rapidly expanding griffon taxi service and then she flies them all down to Luskan. They bypass the city once more and head down the coast to Port Llast.

As I’ll be going over the Port Llast stuff at the start of the next session you don’t need to read it here but I have included it at the bottom in ‘Extra Stuff’ if you want a refresher.

The short version version is that Port Llast has been engulfed in an unnatural fog and has been overrun by undead who keep asking people if they be true pirates. The party accept a quest from the mayor to get a small box from his office. They are accompanied into the fog by the guard captain, Yarla who has a sailing background, which might be useful.

Once in the fog-shrouded town they fought some skeletons and were confronted by a Master at Arrrms demanding to know if they were true pirates come to join up with Captain Squint. Dressing up as pirates and choosing staggeringly bad pirate names was a thing. Don’t worry, we’ll be redoing this bit, it’s built into the quest, so you won’t be stuck with whatever you came up with on the spur of the moment last time.

Really Important Stuff –

There was a two month break between this session and the last one due to the DM ending up in hospital again. That was nothing compared to what was coming.

Two months later and apparently during the break Jake had admitted in the office that us taking the piss out his supercomputer’s inability to display lights was irritating to him. This was obviously a massive mistake and everybody took the piss out of Jake’s supercomputer for not being able to display green lights. It went on for a while.

A long discussion took place on the current overpricing of graphics cards. Eight months later and we are still having remarkably similar discussions.

Talespire dropped the initiative order but luckily the DM had it written down on a dry-wipe board. That board had been sat by a window for two months so it’s probably indelibly etched into it by now.

The DM summed up the fiasco that was the last session and the group decided that, as he didn’t turn up then and was late now, Adam was obviously at fault for all of that session’s fuckups. We had a vote and everything.

Two hours and nineteen minutes after we started Adam turned up!

End of session.

Only joking. Adam spent 15mins arguing the minutia of his magic sling with the DM because, ironically (literally exponentially), he thought the stacking was cheesy. He then used it for the first time against a skeleton and rolled a 1 [sigh]

Having defeated the skeletons they take their clothing and dress up as pirates. They enter the town once again and are again confronted by the Master at Arrrms. As they at least now look like true pirates, the Master at Arrrms asked them what their true pirate names were so we should get some really good pirate names right? Right.

  • Celdar – Captain Cabin Boy Caldus
  • Regulus – First Mate Reg
  • Elvira – Sailor Elvirarrr!
  • Abelas – Seaman Abelarrrse
  • Joffrey the Cave Bear – Bear Bones

End of Session

Important Verbalisations –

  • DM> I really need someone to… no, let me rephrase that, ‘you’ really need someone to play Joffrey until Adam decides to turn up.
  • Jake> We need someone who knows how druids work.
  • Matt> PANIC SNAKE!
  • Mike> Yeah, I know how ‘that’ druid works.
  • Jake> If you are happy doing it Mike?
  • Mike> Yup, uh, uh, fuck, fuck, fuck, yes, yes! I am.
  • [Turns out Kraj’s mum had not made a surprise visit but Mike’s tablet was giving him some issues]
  • Mike> Oh… did anyone know Joffrey has Guidance?
  • The Party> [expletives deleted]
  • DM> Your turn Fuck Noob! Destroyer of ambushes and confounder of planning.
  • Kraj> Don’t known what you’re on about!

DM – Bear with me I need to refresh myself… refresh myself?! Fuck me. [sigh] Refresh my memory of… [laughing] oh just… fuck it!

  • Mike/Joffrey> I’ll cast a 4th level Healing Word on Elvira.
  • DM> 4th level?
  • Mike/Joffrey> Well, they’re not my spell slots are they?
  • Matt> Have you just destroyed several local towns Mike?
  • Mike> Yeah but they’re not our local towns are they?
  • Mike> Which way is south-east, I’ve lost my bearings?
  • DM> Shall we go to the quest map? Let’s go to the quest map… Er, wait, no, we’d all have to open it up for no particular reason… er, other than to take the piss out of Jake because his lights don’t work, but then we have the faff of everyone having to load into…
  • Matt> I’m loading it!
  • Mike> I’m loading it now!
  • Kraj> Yep, loading it!
  • DM> [laughing] You are such a bunch of cunts…
  • Jake> [multiple expletives deleted and then goes on to explain that he has rebuilt his entire computer since the last time we used TTS]
  • Matt> Its no good just saying you can see them now, we’ll want screenshots!
  • Jake> [sigh] I will supply screenshots.
  • [Shortly afterwards]
  • Jake> I… er… I cannot see the lights still.
  • [much laughter]
  • Jake> I am raging so hard right now.
  • DM> They turn to speak to you with varying expressions of relief and hope upon seeing a group of heavily armed individuals…
  • Kraj> And Jake.
  • DM> ..approach… [starts to lose it] They say… [the DM loses it completely]
  • DM> She explains that the fog appeared several days ago…
  • Mike> Erm, I’m just trying to do some calculations, was me opening the box several days ago?
  • DM> Yes.
  • Mike> Oh. Can I tell her that sounds terrible and that we probably don’t need to look into how it happened, okay?
  • [laughter]
  • Mike> I think I smoothed it over guys!
  • DM> Yeah… could you make a performance check please?
  • [party-wide laughter plus swearing]
  • Mike> We’re not pirates though are we? Although… we probably are now because we’ve just decimated this town haven’t we?
  • Kraj> [laughing] What’s this ‘we’ bollocks?
  • Kraj> While this map is loading Jake, do you want to go and make a drink?
  • Matt> He can’t, his shopping has just arrived.

Joffrey – Please miss my bear dong!

  • DM – Well mentally it does me the world of good to do these things so see you all next week!
  • [Session date 4th November 2021]

Extra Stuff:

Captain Squint’s Eye Patch

Weapon (sling), rare (requires attunement by a Druid) – Magical Sling +2

The eye patch of the legendary pirate, and later the legendary undead pirate, Captain Squint. It was recovered from the water after he was eaten by a giant shark which was subsequently exploded by the local town constable. It appears to have part of a map etched on the inside.

You may use your Wisdom modifier for attack rolls with this item.

The eye patch can be used as a magical sling which deals an additional 1d6 necrotic damage.

If used in conjunction with the Magic Stone cantrip, the minimum range becomes 60ft.

If attuned by a spell caster it allows the casting of the spell Arms of Hadar three times per day at first level when worn. The spell can be cast at higher levels at a cost of the required caster’s spell slots.

The Port Llast guard captain is a tough looking half-orc named Yarla who explains that the fog engulfed the town a few days ago and it has been overrun with undead. The undead are pretty weak but they keep coming back once killed.

The party accept a quest from the mayor to fetch a small box from his office in the village. The box is hidden in a secret compartment in his desk and they are not to open the box under any circumstances.

The mayor says that he believes that the fog is the work of the undead pirate Captain Squint. Port Llast used to be a pirate haven run by the infamous Squint some 400 years ago. His ancestor Commander Brody killed Squint using a specially trained giant shark and some explosives. However, Squint returned as an undead. Brody somehow defeated him once again, thought to be for good this time and the Brody family have been important people in the town ever since. Especially as they own a good chunk of it.

As the deputies (and Mike) approach the town they see that it appears to be engulfed in a thick greenish fog despite it being a breezy day. About 40 villagers are camped outside the town along the road. The town mayor is involved in an argument with the captain of the town guard; he wants them to fetch something valuable from his office and the captain is refusing.