SKT Episode 26: Jump the Shark
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The party faced off against the Seven Snakes on a riverside road on the way to ‘Nestlé’
Really Important Stuff –
Matt couldn’t make it because he was tired.
This was the session where the DM was introduced to the delights of Anaconda and suddenly felt really old.
The adventurers (and Jake) were level 7 for this fight, the snakes were CR ¼. This should have been over in ten minutes at most. It took all session so let’s find out how they managed that shall we?
The DM had a bunch of insulting dialogue planned but Abelas skipped all that and opened up his own line of dialogue with a fireball. This reduced No’Baconne Beutay and Black Mamba to half hit points and the other five were on 2HP each. This was all over right? Right.
Elvira finishes off No’Baconne Beutay but then Regulus uttered the line “Can I suggest that we possibly keep one of them alive? To interrogate them to see what else is going on?” and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you turn a five minute fight into a three-hour fight and interrogation.
Joffrey WOMMs all five snakes on 2HP and kills all of them leaving only Black Mamba and she is on half hit points. She swears the snakes will return and dives into the river. It’s all over right? We can move on to Nesme now right?
The adventurers (and Jake) continue to try and hit Black Mamba underwater that they can’t see so we are basically playing battleships at this point on a 16-square grid. Regulus and Abelas did nothing useful and Black mamba would escape on her turn so only Elvira, Kraj and Joffrey could stop her. Given that she was some distance away and invisible underwater, there’s nothing they could do right? Well, they certainly figured something out.
The Eventual Plan – Elvira fired a Seeking Arrow at Black Mamba and while it did not penetrate the water, it give give them an idea of where she was. Kraj grabbed Joffrey and cast Dimension Door to the targeted point in the river and dropped the druid. Joffrey wild-shaped into a Hunter shark.
So… a shark an emo and a psycho walk into a river…
The shark bites and knocks out Black Mamba and drags her to the shore which Kraj kept calling a beach despite the fact that’s its a fucking river.
The word un-shark was invented by Jake.
Black Mamba is bleeding out and when it comes to dead-lifting an unconscious half-orc in plate armour out of a river, a druid and a rogue would not be your primary choices.
Regulus summons Anonymoose and we then got Mike trying to make a persuasion check on a giant moose that the shark was friendly. Anonymoose dragged Black Mamba out of the water.
We then had both a Misty-Stepping rogue and a jumping shark impale themselves on Anonymoose’s horns, because if the players were going to be awkward twats the DM could be too, and that ultimately led to a naked Joffrey stabilising Black Mamba. It took one hour and seven minutes to get from Black Mamba jumping in the river to Black Mamba being out of the river again.
The interrogation of a psychotic half-orc by interrogators who didn’t really know what questions to ask nor what information they were after went about as well as you would expect and Abelas stabbed her in the heart. As she died she looked the wizard in the eyes and promised to come back for him.
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
(Look at her butt)
Look at, look at, look at
Look, at her butt
DM – No’Baconne Beutay says “Ah, we meet again friends! You’ve done well for yourselves since we first met and you were lowly caravan guards pretending to be adventurers (and Jake). What brings you to MY road at this…” WHOOSH!
- Abelas> I would like to do the customary warning that it is a very low DC save.
- Regulus> We’re going to have to hear you say it!
- Abelas> [laughing] It is a DC14 save…
- Regulus> FOURTEEN?!
- Kraj – By the time Jake gets a go they’ll all be dead.
Adam – This is almost as good as Operation Electric Ferret!
- Kraj> I stroll up cockily…
- Joffrey> You stroll up with what out?!
- Kraj> Shout “HOW HARD CAN IT BE?” and touch Joffrey on the shoulder
- DM> Wait… you touch Joffrey on the shoulder and ask him how hard it can be?
- Regulus> Is that both hands… one on each shoulder, yeah?
- Abelas> I don’t like to tell you how to Druid…
- <Abelas immediately tells Joffrey how to Druid>
Kraj – It… I… I… It’s a fucking beach!
DM -You fuckers did this, I’m just following the physics of the situation!
Abelas – I feel like we are watching a Carry-On movie
- DM> Joffrey?
- Joffrey> Ok, this is what I want to do… I want to swim as fast as I can to launch myself…
- DM> No.
- Joffrey> …out of the water…
- DM> No.
- Joffrey> …bonus action…
- DM> No.
- Joffrey> …sorry, action to turn into Joffrey…
- DM> No.
- Joffrey> … and stabilise her.
- DM> No…. Wait.. hang on, [sigh] let me check YouTube.
- Some moments later…
- DM> Well according to the Internet, great whites can jump up to 8 to 10 feet out of the water. Well… shit. [resigned sigh] How big a run up do you want?
- DM> Ok, what are you stabilising her with?
- [Silence]
- [Profound silence]
- [The kind of silence where everyone is thinking “uh-oh, Adam didn’t buy a healers kit!”]
- Joffrey> [somewhat shamefully] I don’t think… er… I don’t think I’ve got a healer’s kit…
SKT Episode 27: Fantabulous
Vaguely Important Stuff –
Having finally arrived at Nesmé /Nestlé the party witnessed a large group of Zhentarim meet with a pair of fire giants. The Zhentarim pledge to keep the Lord’s Alliance busy so that they don’t interfere with the fire giant’s search for the part to the gigantic ‘brobot’. In exchange the fire giant’s pledge not to use the brobot (Vonindod) against the Zhentarim or places they want to gain control over.
Apparently someone called Duke Zalto is holding a Zhentarim prisoner in a place called Ironslag.
Once the fire giants left, the party briefly entertained the idea of attacking them and taking their leader hostage for interrogation but the memory of last week was still strong and so they just left and travelled to Kryptgarden Forest.
Within Kryptgarden forest they met the green dragon called Claugiyliamatar, or Gnawbone. They managed not to piss her off and so didn’t die. Claugiyliamatar detests giants so she offered to help them and told them to seek out the Valley of Khedrun to the north. They would need a guide and they should seek a frost giant who wears a helm made from the skull of a white dragon.
Really Important Stuff –
Adam couldn’t make it this week and so when it was discussed who to blame for the previous week’s fiasco it was a bit of a no-brainer.
Jake attempted to justify his outright murder of a helpless prisoner the week before.
Celdar felt like he was being stitched up when he was ‘volunteered’ to go spy on the meeting. He has +8 to stealth checks that he makes with advantage and anyone trying to find him makes checks with disadvantage and he has what are effectively potions of invisibility and he can cast actual invisibility and he can Dimension Door and he can Misty Step. Stitch up… right.
Benjamin left them a chest that acts like a bag of holding. It unlocks with one of the Adventurers Anonymoose badges. Within it were magical cloaks; dark green with AA badges for clasps and a bigger moose-head outline in silver stitching on the back. The cloaks can be billowed at will and this makes the stitching glow.
The chest also contains a box called the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion. If you press the button on top of the box, anything nearby that is compatible with the box will briefly glow purple.
If one of these items is placed in the coffer, it will be transformed into something fantabulous (darlings). If you dislike what the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion turns your item into, simply repeat the process to reverse the effects.
If you place a magic cloak in the coffer it will be transformed into a fantabulous cloak with the party emblem but will also retain the magic properties of the original.
There are also a set of plans for a war-forged guard dog and they say to consult with a master smith in Bryn Shander called Igor Flintbrow.
DM – Panache darlings! It’s not just a brothel in Phlan.
- DM> Hey-Zeus Aitch fucking Kerist Mike!
- Mike> Yeah, sorry, I was too busy thinking up insults for Jake when you said it.
- DM> Oh… that’s ok then.
- Jake> [engaging justification mode] The prisoner was clearly unresponsive and also sworn to evil!
- Mike> But was also tied up!
- Jake> So?!
- Regulus> I’m quite happy to leave them but Jake, if you want to kill them in their sleep?
- Abelas the Murderer> I don’t.. oh fuck off! Don’t take the fucking… fucking moral high ground with me you soulless robot!
Abelas – Oh fuck off! [sigh] You kill one prisoner…
- DM> All movement ceases and silence descends upon the forest. Abelas, you suddenly feel warm, moist air on the back of your neck!
- Abelas> Oh no! I’ve seen this film!
- DM> As you turn, you see above you a gigantic green dragon’s head, probably the size of a London bus. Its mouth is slightly open and hanging from the left side of the mouth is the tenderized corpse of an Uthgardt barbarian. The dragon is just staring at you from a few feet away, just its head sticking out of the bush. What would you like to do?
- Abelas> Er.. a little squeak comes out!
- DM> Did anything else come out?
- Abelas> Not yet! I’m just frozen, deer in headlights!
- DM> Everyone else, you see Abelas unflinchingly stare down the dragon
Regulus – Check it for traps first you twat!
SKT Episode 28: That Might Get Expensive
Vaguely Important Stuff –
They left Kryptgarden Forest heading towards Red Larch to find someone to build the specialist battle wagon they found plans for in Mornbryn’s Shield.
As they arrive in red Larch a young boy runs up looking for a ‘Mister Regoolas’ and asks him to visit the wagon yard. At the yard they find Benjamin has pre-ordered the parts they need and the wagon is built but the players had to pay for the work.
The bed of the wagon is 20ft long and 8ft wide. It resembles a large flat-bottomed boat with the prow cut off. The side are around 4ft high. The body sits 4ft clear of the ground on four spoked wheels clad in the same grey metal. A large central bar runs the length of the underside of the body and holds the axles and the suspension which is a leaf spring design. The wagon is much lighter than it looks and surprisingly sturdy.
The wagon builder, Thorsk Thelorn, tells them the wagon can be upgraded in many different ways but “It might get expensive”. They opt to put the driver outside the wagon and to fit folding armoured panels instead of fixed.
Further upgrades to the wagon require the services of a master enchanter and… that might get expensive. Also, the only master enchanter they know is Chazlauth (still TNAD) back in Waterdeep so that is where they head next.
Chazlauth gives them a Portable Dimension Sphere (PDS) which can shift the wagon and the horses into a pocket dimension for safety. It works once per day. The wagon is also enchanted with a magic-dampening field. This means you can’t cast spells inside it but it can’t be destroyed by magic either.
Chazluath charges 8,000 gold for the work, halves it as it will be used against the giants, accepts 2,000 right now but wants the other 2,000 in a year and warns them not to make him come get it.
They head on up to Xantharl’s Keep looking to collect the bounty on Worvil Forkbeard, also known as The Weevil. Having massively overcomplicated a simple ‘ask about the dude, find the dude, capture the dude’ bounty hunt, they did manage to locate the miscreant and capture him and then the town alarm sounded.
Really Important Stuff –
Joffrey’s Tressym, Solo, was coaxed into the Fantabulous Coffer of Conversion and turned into a mini flying panther. The WOMM turned into a pistol with gunbelt. Regulus’s fists gained the ability to change elemental damage type once per day as an action.
Regulus remembered Claugiliamatar’s name and Chazlauth (TNAD) got really excited.
Chazlauth (TNAD) casually threw the PDS over his shoulder to Regulus. Regulus obviously stuffed the rather low dex check and fumbled it towards Elvira. Elvira the ‘dexpert’ also stuffs it and it heads towards Clay. That save wasn’t even in question and it headed onwards to Abelas and Celdar. Abelas stuffed it as well but Celdar rolled a 17 casually snatches it our of the air and passes it sideways to Regulus without even looking at him. Fuck me.
Celdar – But his computer is so slow he’s going to go and make a drink while it loads?
Regoolas – That’s ‘mister’ Regoolas to you!
- Chazluath> Do you happen to know her real name?
- Regoolas> Er… yes.. it was… Claugiliamatar.
- DM> Chazlauth looks completely stunned “It cannot be! It is impossible to pronounce a dragon’s real name unless [gasp] You must be who the prophecies speak of! You must be… the Chosen One!”
- [slightly hysterical laughter]
- Regoolas> [wearily] I sometimes feel like I’ve been chosen for something… yes.
- Chazluath> Well, for a start it is prophesied that the Chosen One will believe anything you tell him! HAHAHA! HAHA-HAHA! HAAAAH… okay, whaddya want?
- DM> [sigh] Does anyone NOT acquiesce?
- Abelas> No.
- [silence while everyone tries to work out what that means]
- Abelas> I DON’T KNOW.. I.. what the.. I… what the answ.. what that question was!
- DM> I fear you are having some communication issues tonight…
- Abelas> I.. ye… aaaaaaaaah! FUUUUUCK!
SKT Episode 29: Back In A Sec!
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The town alarm is sounding because a frost giant has appeared on the plain in front of the town. He also has a small army with him. This is actually a distraction while a bunch of bugbears sneak over the back wall and try and capture the Weevil.
Really Important Stuff –
Elvira had been left guarding the Weevil in the wagon while the players were distracted and ran to the front wall. By the time they realised the threat was from the back wall, Elvira was in a bit of trouble and Mike nearly got her killed.
Regulus rescued Elvira and Abelas once again realised somewhat belatedly that he could fly and took off straight up 50ft. This left the rogue in a rather precarious position abandoned by everyone else.
Matt channelled Matt:
Regulus> That is the Mattest roll I’ve ever seen!
Important Verbalisations –
- DM> There’s at least a hundred guards on the walls by now and a garrison commander snapping orders. The frost giant shouts out “….
- Matt> Back in a sec!
- DM> Oh for…
- Jake> [laughing] That better be something fucking important….
DM – You put your fingers up his nose and say ‘sniff this!’
Abelas – Oh yeah! I do have Fly… I forgot about Fly! I will admit that I forgot that I could fly.
- DM> What’s your armour class?
- Joffrey> Er.. fifteen…?
- DM> [looks it up] Yeah, it’s twelve, nice try though.
SKT Episode 30: The Chase
Vaguely Important Stuff –
They head to Mirabar with the Weevil on the wagon to collect the bounty but as they approached the city they were attacked by mounted barbarians who also wanted the 5,000 gold. They managed to not entirely fuck up the chase sequence.
Except Jake. Jake properly fucked it.
Really Important Stuff –
Matt had apparently forgotten it was Thursday and gone out somewhere.
The DM made Clay a magic item to help with his abysmal longbow attacks when he wasn’t in melee range. It was a boomerang called Bakinna-Sek.
The Lord of Xantharl’s Keep delivers an old elven longsword to the party as a reward for their help protecting the town. It turns out to be a Moonblade but right now it’s just a longsword until Abelas figures out how to get it to bond to him… if ever.
The battle wagon got upgraded with three heavy crossbows, one each side and one mounted on the rear. These require a bonus action to load and an action to fire. They have +5 To-Hit and deal a flat 20 damage. At the start of combat they are not loaded.
Regulus summoned a badger with a speed of 20ft in the middle of a high speed chase. Bye badger!
Abelas fell off the wagon.
Orcs jumped on the roof. Joffrey Sssurpsrisssed them:
Important Verbalisations –
- Mike> Naval combat!
- Adam> Who’s fighting their belly buttons?
- [silence]
- [silence]
- Mike> Ohhh, right!
- Tired DM> I don’t get… oh, right ‘navel’ combat [sigh]. That’s bad. Right, the mounted crossbows are unloaded, Regulus is driving, Abelas is shotgun, everyone else is in the back. Let’s see what goes wrong shall we?
- Celdar – Okay, I’ll take a shot with the crossbow… Are they pre-loaded?
- DM> [deep sigh] I knew I should have started this further back down the map but I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to fall off the wagon!
- Regulus> I think “I didn’t think it through” might want to be the title of this one?
- DM> I was thinking of just “Lol nub”
- Abelas> Look, I’m having a bad time, just carry on! Everyone just carry on!