Episode 11: Moon Doves of the Day
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The session starts in the middle of the Hunt Lord fight and everyone obviously forgot that Spirit Guardians and Flaming Orb were in play <sigh>. The Hunt Lords are vanquished and a journal found that reveals that the true mastermind behind the rise of the undead Hunt Lords was actually the castellan Amrath.
Oops.
They got in a fight with Amrath and some gargoyles and nearly wiped but succeeded in killing him and freeing the town from the curse of the Hunt lords. Huzzah.
There was stuff with the three brothers at the inn; they were in line for an inheritance and had set out to allegedly kill a Hill Giant to decide who got it. One brother was killed by an alleged giant and on their way out of town the came upon one of the surviving two stood over the corpse of the other with a rapier in his hand.
The survivor, called Lezryk, claimed his brother attacked him first and that he acted in self-defence and he offered them 10,000 gold if the kept their mouths shut. They need to collect it in Neverwinter. Leyzark was released but they moved the body to a different location in case they needed some leverage.
Really Important Stuff –
Adam played Elvira this session, blew all her abilities in one turn and did some arrow twirling. It was later discovered that real archers think arrow twirlers are poncey twats and have banned it from competitions.
Isaac and Joffrey got into a religious spat and Abelas sided with the druid. Everyone else thought this was a major tactical mistake.
Adam attempted to cheese 10ft of reach from a 5ft Constrict attack <sigh>
Jake got educated about ritual spells in the usual manner; abuse.
They returned to the entrance to find Amrath no longer there. He wasn’t the only one as the DM had decided to make the gargoyle statues actual gargoyles and they had vanished too. So they did the obvious thing and split the party to go looking for the evil genius that had trapped the Hunt Lords into an undead compact with a demon lord. Absolutely nothing can go wrong with that plan right? Right.
It immediately went wrong, obviously.
Amrath lets loose a Cone of Cold that drops Joffrey, Isaac and Elvira and that put the party right in the shit until Clay action surges and dashes a really long way to get to Amrath and drops him with a double attack. Phew.
Back at town they decide to lay the dead pigeon to rest. Yes, Joffrey was still carrying it around <sigh> The was a lengthy discussion on the best way to do this and which deity it was which ended with Adam proclaiming off the back of a 9-point Religion check that “Pigeons go to Selune! Selune will guide pigeons! They are essentially…. The moon doves of the day!”
Joffrey wanted to commit an actual murder to avenge a possible murder <sigh>.
Important Verbalisations –
Adam – Because that’s just cheesy Gary and I would never play anything cheesy!
Adam – FUCK YEAH, ACTION SUUUUURGE!
DM – I can’t find ‘skeletal warhorse’ on D&D Beyond.. oh.. it’s under ‘Warhorse, skeletal’ <sigh>
- DM> COUGHGARGLECOUGH
- Adam> Gary’s got the corona!
Adam/Elvira – Fuck yeah! Does 27 hit? Of course it does because I’M A BEAST!
- DM> Wait, you have Comprehend Languages memorised?
- Abelas> Yeah.
- DM> You sad fuck.
Abelas – Wait.. are the fucking statues gone?!
- DM> So that’s 8d8 cold damage…
- Adam> Fucking wot?!
Episode 12: The Not-So Dandy Highwaymen
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The group name was decided and Avenger’s Anonymoose were born.
As they travelled from Noanar’s Hold to Everlund they had an encounter with a ragged band of bandits and scared them off without actually killing any of them.
They spotted some vultures and found a band of dead Uthgardt Barbarians and four Frost Giant corpses. They appeared to have killed each other.
Moving on, they arrived at the village of Olostin’s Hold where the local inn has a magical floating tankard in it. While there they heard rumours about a pair of blue dragons causing mischief in the northern desert near Ascore.
A quest takes them to a pub in Everlund where they are given a suspicious drink that teleports them to Moongleam Tower which is inhabited by the Harper archmage Krowen and a number of flying cats called Tressym. Krowen grants them access to the Harper teleport circles.
They moved on to Silverymoon, meeting a suspiciously familiar band of highwaymen along the route, and attempted to rob a demon worshipping family of its secret get away stash from the carriage house but set off the alarm and alerted the guards.
Really Important Stuff –
Joffrey expressed a wish to visit the Maelstrom, way out to sea in the south-west, at some point and the DM said he would try and make it happen.
While in the floating tankard inn the DM asked his players if they wanted to share anything. Instead of embracing the moment to RP they immediately got suspicious and tried to figure out what the DM might be hinting at <sigh>.
Krowen offered them a Tressym but only one and to the first one that could bond with it. Joffrey promptly cheated like fuck showed a lot of initiative and shape-changed into a Tressym and won.
Joffrey ordered some cat armour (yes, really) for the Tressym.
There was an interesting conversation about the difference between Detect Magic and Dispel Magic. There was then a much longer conversation regarding Jake’s ability to tell the two apart, his unwillingness to learn a wizard staple spell (according to Adam) and Adam’s inability and unwillingness to listen to whatever else Jake said about it.
They became convinced that the horses in the carriage house were actually ‘demon horses’ and that Joffrey would attempt to calm them with his ‘Calm Demon Horse’ spell <sigh>.
Matt won the inaugural Cheese of the Week Award for asking if his spell that makes characters stealth better also silences squeaky door hinges <sigh>.
It then transpires that not only Abelas but also Joffrey can learn Detect Magic. Oops.
It then transpires that not only Abelas and Joffrey can learn Detect Magic but Isaac, controlled by the DM, can as well… and that he actually has learned it and currently has it memorised.
Double-Oops.
Important Verbalisations –
Mike – Brilliant, you were given two options and you chose a third!
Regulus – I feel I know everything I want to know about these people to be honest…
- Abelas> Oh Detect magic? No, I’ve got Dispel Magic.
- Joffrey> <flabbergasted> Wha…! What did I fucking say?
- Abelas> <no fucks given> I don’t know, I didn’t listen to you.
Abelas – Oh for fuck sake you luminous prick!
- DM> Isaac shouts “FUCK MY DICK!”…
- Mike> It’s like he was in the room!
- DM>… followed by “LATHANDER SAYS RUN!” and he takes off down the street.
Episode 13: The Sound of Silence
Vaguely Important Stuff –
The ‘human’ carriage house guards turned out to be a pair of Cambion devils which were summarily executed and then Abelas eventually managed to cast Dispel Magic on the alarm to shut it up but only after Matt helpfully posted the definitions of Dispel and Detect in chat.
They stole the carriage and the loot inside it and made off out of town. The loot consisted of some unimportant magical items, a scroll of Detect Magic (because the DM is a troll) and a ring of Detect Demonic Horses.
They went to Zymorven Hall in search of a magical Giantslayer axe but it had been stolen by Lord Zymorven’s son, Harthal. A shifty bard told them Harthal had gone to Yartar and they should politely enquire after him at the Wink & Kiss Tavern.
They exchanged the favour they earned earlier in the campaign for information and found Harthal had killed someone and was in prison. A corrupt guard officer was currently in possession of the axe. They contacted a local Harper cell and paid 200g in expenses but the axe was delivered to the safe house without anyone getting killed (which made a nice change).
A request is made that they travel to Goldenfields where trouble is afoot. Stopping off at Westbridge they hear rumours:
- – There’s a red dragon cult up in the Spine of the World
- – There is talk of elementalists running around in the Dessarin Valley
- – Some particularly idiotic people are thought to be worshipping a kraken in Yartar and Waterdeep
They find a notice asking for adventurers in nearby Beliard and travel to The Stone Bridge over the Dessarin River.; 400ft high, a mile-and-a-half long, 20ft wide and with no hand rail.
At the foot of the bridge they meet two travellers looking to cross with a larger group. One is a dwarf named Dulron and the other is a human wizard calling himself Ember.
Really Important Stuff –
The DM boomered the audio recording so well done there.
Matt couldn’t make it because attending a PTA meeting is more important than attending D&D apparently. Then he turned up anyway. Then he left halfway through.
They questioned the need for a magic giantslaying axe in a campaign about rampaging giants. The DM may or may not have been disappointed with this response and may or may not have made several disparaging comments about the group as a whole and the distinct lack of adventure being displayed by peopled calling themselves adventurers..
Benjamin made an appearance on a flying black horse with a flaming mane and tail. He was pursued by flame-wreathed demons but managed to pass the party a bag of Adventurer’s Anonymoose badges before he rode off.
At the end of the session Adam appeared to be pre-emptively using the birth of his firstborn to get out of D&D. As I write this in May 2022 it seems this is becoming a habit Adam, just sayin’.
Important Verbalisations –
DM – Goddamfuckingshitfuck!
DM – ‘Adventurers’ my arse
Benjamin – WHOO-HOO! DARLINGS!
Also Benjamin – COME FANDANGO! WE MUST FLY! FLY LIKE THE WIND!
Not Benjamin – The princess’s defiler escapes us!
Episode 14: Knocking One Off
Vaguely Important Stuff –
Half way across the Stone Bridge they run into a Fire Giant with a couple of pets:
The Hell Hounds charge and get killed. The Fire Giant advances through a Spike Growth and is nearly in melee range when someone lands a Hold Person on it and that pretty much ended the fight.
The giant dropped a Rod of the Vonindod which can be used to detect pieces of the gigantic ‘brobot’ the fire giants seem to be trying to rebuild.
Ember tries to recruit Joffrey into some druid cult. He says that his real name is Bastian Thermander.
At Beliard they find out that hill giants have been stealing livestock from the surrounding farms. The mayor offers them a reward if they can find out where the hill giant lair is located. They set out to explore the local area and found an old tower from which came the most godawful mournful singing ever heard.
Really Important Stuff –
Matt told everyone that it was this week for the PTA meeting and not last week and that he wouldn’t be turning up.
Matt then did turn up and explained that the PTA meeting was the night before.
Mike used the Bag of Tricks but got a weasel. The DM doesn’t have a weasel mini so it became a racoon instead. We name it Mattroll because you need to roll a 1 to summon it.
Adam, playing Elvira, delivers an absolute masterclass in misreading ability descriptions and stuffs up the effects of both Shadow Arrow and Grasping Arrow.
Joffrey used a fire damage spell on a Hell Hound and seemed surprised when it didn’t do much damage.
Adam/Elvira action surged and rolled two ones for the next two attacks. Truly impressive.
Mike pulled a Dire Wolf from the Bag of Tricks and it was named after Joffrey; Insensitive Bastard.
Important Verbalisations –
Abelas – Fuckofffuckingfuck! What a prick!
- Adam> I’d say Abelas has a slightly higher charisma than Jake…
- Jake> You fucking piece of shit!
DM – I gave the Fire Giant 22AC and it wasn’t enough…
Episode 15: Charisma is NOT a Dump Stat!
Vaguely Important Stuff –
Matt couldn’t make it because he has the Covid. There’s a lot of that going around apparently.
Sophie joined for a session playing a Furry… Sorry, a Tabaxi.
At the tower the DM likened the din to the ‘music’ played by Uffo with the mini-xylophone. Yes, it was that bad.
There is a mournful female hill giant in the tower and as they all speak giant they understood she was singing about how someone called Guh has stolen her husband Hruk. The planning that took place to get inside the tower was impressive in both the length of time it took and the ridiculousness of most of the suggestions.
Sophie uses furry dancing to calm the giant and she offers to take them to the hill giant stronghold if they agree to get her husband back. They went to the stronghold, lured out the husband and returned to Beliard. For the reward.
They are sent to Womford to investigate some missing persons.
Really Important Stuff –
The furry wanted to negotiate with the mournful giant via interpretive dance.
The artificer wanted to tinker a message cube and throw it in the window. The furry wanted to add a pan-pipe fanfare to it.
There was further discussion involving erotic giant porn (don’t ask) how best to search for it online (really, don’t ask) and whether or not to attach said erotic giant material to the message box with a pan flute fanfare.
Only after two hours of planning does Mike ask “What are we trying to achieve here?” causing the DM to dissolve into fits of laughter. Regulus finally just walked in the door and spoke to the giant.
The planning to get the right giant away from the fort made the tower planning look like a work of genius. They managed it but it wasn’t quick and is wasn’t pretty.
Important Verbalisations –
Regulus – Yes, we could just shout up and say “Greetings giant. You sound… sad”
Abelas – I almost want to do it but I’m not fucking going to!
Abelas – If this is how we lose Joffrey, I’m in!
DM – The thought that just leapt into my head was “Remarkably, that is not the worst plan you have ever come up with”
- Regulus> I’m going to tinker a little box which has a ticker-tape readout on it that says “Hello giant, you sound melancholy”…
- <The DM has a quiet giggle at the thought of a hill giant with an Int of 5 knowing wtf ‘melancholy’ means, also that the giant can’t read>
- Joffrey> Has anyone got like a metal canteen we can bang on a rock?
- Felix> I have a Pan flute!
- <silence>
- Joffrey> They uh.. aren’t known for being loud.
DM> No, but it would calm me the fuck down.
DM – Look, one of you just stick your fucking head around the corner, wave at the fucking giant and go something like ‘Cooo-eee!’. It’s not that fucking difficult!
Regulus – Why doesn’t the druid just turn into something tasty and run away?