LMOP2 – Episode 8: Dick-Crit

  • Starring:
  • Jake as Gnorman the Gnome Paladin
  • Kraj as Gnob (or is he?!) the Gnome Warlock
  • Gary as Gnobby the other Gnome Warlock
  • Adam as Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) the Gnome Rogue
  • Christina as Kiara the Gnome Sorcerer
  • Matt as Paracelsus (Vaseline) the Still-Not-A-Gnome Cleric
  • With:
  • Mike as the DM

Season Recap:

  • – Some Gnomes (and a Triton) who are on a religious crusade to seek the lost artifacts of the gnomish god Balavar, set off with a wagon of ale to meet Gundren Rockseeker and Sildar at Phandalin down the coast.
  • – The Triton was killed in an unfortunate rock-climbing incident that ended with a crit-hit from a bugbear and a short fall to a long sleep.
  • – Snorri was killed by Kraj due to an unfortunate sarcasm incident.
  • – Trouble is afoot in Phandalin and the gnomes (and Matt) eventually end up in Gnorman’s Mum’s Hole; lair of Glasstaff and his Redbrands.

Pre-session Guff

Gary turned up late because Discord did an update. However, he did remember to start OBS. Adam was getting shit for being muted but insisted he was just AFK. Riiiight.

Kraj sounded like he had his head in a bucket and it transpired he was using his webcam as a microphone.

Gary noticed that on the TTS map the door state toggle was available so Gary went full-player and opened all the doors. One of them disappeared <sigh>.

Fucking Gary.

Planning… if you can call it that

Kraj and Matt were placed firmly in charge for the avoidance of metaprickness once again. After Vaseline vacillated for a while the corridor on the left was chosen.

The gnomes (and Matt) stack up outside two doors at the end of the corridor:

  • DM Mike> Which door would you like to go through?
  • Matt> I’ll go through the top door.
  • <some moments of silence occur>
  • Gary> Erm… on a 3D rotatable map Matt, that is not the most helpful…
  • <laughter>
  • Matt> The one where the green hand is!

Some moments of silence occur while everyone comes to terms with fact that we are stacked up in an entirely different corridor to the one Matt is indicating.

After some swearing, laughter and relocating, Vaseline listens at the door and hears goblins talking. There is some shouting, some arguing and some squeaking.

Planning happens. Matt suggests bursting in and deceiving the inhabitants to follow him away. Gary remembers to ask what the door looks like (remember this) and it has no obvious lock.

As persuasion/deception is to be the order of the day, Gnobby initially tries to usher Gnob forward as the highest persuader/deceiver, but it needs to be Vaseline as he is the shapeshifter and his persuasion/deception skills aren’t that great so Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) offers to help.

  • Matt> I can look like a goblin and speak like goblin and probably not be persuading them at disadvantage…
  • Adam> Can I er.. assist him?
  • <sniggers from the peanut gallery>
  • DM Mike> <sigh> You explain to me how you can do that and I’ll let you.
  • Adam> As he says things I’ll nod enthusiastically! Backing him up!
  • DM Mike> <deeper sigh> Okaaay… yep… that’s fine…
  • <laughter>
  • DM Mike> <slightly sarcastically> If you think that will assist him…
  • Adam> Okay… we could put Kraj in manacles and pretend we have captured him!
  • <more sniggers>
  • Gary> <sigh> Have you given any thought as to what exactly it is that we are trying to achieve before we plan it? Because you seem to have come up with a solution to a problem we don’t have…

More Door Planning

At this point Ggnomeo advocated just kicking the door in and killing everything. Vaseline objects as “That’s what we always do”. Gary is trying to think of a time when we have done that this campaign and is coming up empty. Jake asks Vaseline how he knows what ‘we’ always do as he has only been in the party for a day. Jake then realises that he (Gnorman) has actually been in the party for less time than Vaseline <sigh>

Gary lays out the three main methods of getting through a door:

  • 1) Smash it in (hopefully), get a surprise round (hopefully), kill everything inside (hopefully).
  • 2) Aim a bunch of pointy things at the door and knock on it and when they open it say “Surprise you birthing-persons!” and stab them in the dick.
  • 3) Social skills it: deception, distraction, intimidation, persuasion etc.

Matt chooses a combination of methods 2 and 3 due to the map topography: Vaseline stays by the door as everyone else retreats to the open space at the end of the corridor and aims pointy things back down it. Vaseline will change into a goblin, knock on the door and tell the goblins inside that there is trouble over the bridge and then lure them out into the ambush.

All the minis are moved out of the corridor. All but one <sigh>

  • DM Mike> Adam, are you trying to hide?
  • Adam (oh Adam)> As soon as they open the door are we going to stab them all?
  • <party-wide deep sigh followed by laughter>
  • Matt> No.
  • Jake> No!
  • DM Mike> <sigh> There’s a reason everyone is NOT THERE!

Matt attempts once again to explain the hide-around-the-corner and lure the goblins out plan to Adam. Ggnomeo trudges out of the corridor and reluctantly takes position behind a pillar.

Vaseline shapechanges into a goblin and opens the door. That’s part one successful!

Then it all went to shit, obviously.

Surprise you birthing persons!

So, despite DM Mike clearly saying Vaseline could hear goblins, what he could actually hear were several not-goblins-at-all but who were just speaking goblin <sigh>.

Vaseline does see a goblin as the door opens but it is being abused by three large and angry bugbears who clearly do not like goblins at all and Vaseline is currently disguised as one.

Well shit.

A bugbear orders the ‘goblin’ Vaseline to “Get in ‘ere!”. Matt instantly reverts to the backup plan; “I insult them and then run!”

Matt rolls a 20 on the performance check for the insult and then legs it back up the corridor.

Roll initiative!

Matt rolls a 3 <sigh>

Attacks are held in preparation of bad guys coming after Vaseline and the first angry bugbear that emerges from the room gets missed by a Ggnomeo arrow (even though he had advantage), hit by a Gnobby Eldritch blast and then missed by a Gnob Eldritch Blast.

As ambushes go, that could have gone better <sigh>

The front bugbear can’t reach the cleric and so retaliates with a javelin. Vaseline re-retaliates with a Guiding Bolt that hits for 17 damage, which was nice. The front bugbear was on 18hp though, which was not so nice. Going forwards we shall refer to this one-hit-point-bugbear as 1HPBB.

Gnobby misses 1HPBB with an Eldritch Blast.

Here we go again.

Then it transpired Gnobby got advantage from the Guiding Bolt so he got to roll a second attack and managed to miss 1HPBB all over again <sigh>.

Gnob decides not to blast 1HPBB and hits the full hit-point bugbear behind it instead.

Gnorman, the tank, decides not to tank and to leave Vaseline to soak the incoming damage. He calls upon Lathander and throws a light hammer at 1HPBB. Lathander, presumably not best impressed with this, says “no” and he missed… by quite a lot.

Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) misses 1HPBB for the second time and so, mainly because Kraj nuked the wrong target, 1HPBB got to run up to Vaseline and attack him.

Luckily for Vaseline (and probably Kraj) it missed.

Bugbear2 is stuck in the corridor behind 1HPBB. The players suggested that the DM could easily grant the bugbear the ‘reach’ ability so that it could twat Kraj. Sadly, the DM thought that was unfair. Instead it javelined Gnob but missed.

Kraj attempted a cheesy ranged Hellish Rebuke that everyone else though was cheese due to the range but it turned out to be a different cheese as the cheese-lord needs to be hit to use it.

Bugbear3 javelins Gnob as well and hits him despite his amazing AC of 13.

WARLOCK DOWN!

Sadly, it transpires that DM Mike got the bugbear weapon damages mixed up (we all do it) and it was only 7 points of damage and Gnob is not down after all.

WARLOCK REPRIEVED!

Kraj now uses his last spell slot on a Hellish Rebuke that hits Bugbear2 for half damage.

Spreading it Around

  • DM Mike> Matt… it is now your go.
  • Matt> Are all three of them up?
  • DM Mike> Yes.
  • Adam> Yes, they are all moderately aroused.
  • <group sigh>
  • Gary> Are any of them damaged Mr DM?
  • DM Mike> All three of them are damaged.
  • Gary> <ever so slightly very sarcastically> Really? So if we had applied all of our damage to only one of them, there wouldn’t be three of them right now?
  • DM Mike> I… wouldn’t be so critical as to say that…
  • Kraj> <proudly> I’ve hit two of them!
  • <a torrent of abuse occurs>
  • DM Mike> Just to be clear you chose not to kill one of them… again.
  • <more abuse and laughter>

Vaseline does his massively cheesy Radiance of the Dawn ability that AOEs everything in the world ever. 1HPBB finally becomes 0HPBB with no thanks to Kraj.

Gnobby and Kraj both nuke the remaining bugbears and both miss. Well done ‘war’locks, well done /golfclap.

Gnorman gets brave and charges down the corridor at Bugbear2, calls out to his god and swings Talon at its dick. He rolls a natural 20!

Lathander Dick-crit!

Bugbear2 goes down in a flash of Lathander’s holy light with a warhammer in the unmentionables and Gnobby finishes off proceedings with a Dissonant Whispers on the last unfortunate enemy.

Interrogations… Sort Of

It now transpires that Kraj, playing a meelee warlock with high Dex, was using a short sword and does not own a rapier <sigh>. Having received yet more abuse for this, Kraj insisted that he would have bought one but they don’t sell them in town. When it was pointed out just how wrong he was, he said he wasn’t there for that episode. Which is a bit strange because I looked it up and it was the episode where we found him tied to a chair.

Ggnomeo gives Gnob his rapier.

There is a cowering goblin in the room who just wants to leave. As Vaseline attempts to gently extract more information from him, Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) attempts to not so gently manacle him to the bed <group sigh>.

The goblin, while fighting off Oh Ggnomeo, tells us that the ‘boss’ is not here and is at the castle. Ggnomeo continues to shout “Stop resisting”, the goblin keeps resisting and keeps saying “Can I go now?”.

A grapple check ensues and Ggnomeo loses, mainly because Vaseline cast Guidance on the goblin, Gnorman assisted the goblin and Gnobby cast an illusion over the goblin so Ggnomeo couldn’t see him. The goblin scampers down the hallway past all the other party members and no one attempts to stop him.

The room was searched and in addition to some loot a key was found. A debate was held over having a short rest and the two warlocks were outvoted and we continued adventuring with only one of four spell slots available. I’m sure that won’t matter though, right? Right.

Gnorman listens at the door to the next room but doesn’t hear much. He kicks the door in surprising four Redbrands playing cards. Roll initiative.

Surprise, Birthing-Person Copulators!

Gnobby uses his last spell slot to drop a Dissonant Whispers on the closest gambler. Ggnomeo finishes him off with a sneak attack.

Gnob hexes and then Eldritch Blasts another unlucky ruffian while Gnorman runs up to him and attempts to hit him in the dick without bothering to invoke Lathander’s name. Lathander says “no” and he missed.

Vaseline gong-bongs the wounded dude and kills him with a Toll the Dead. Surprise round over.

Gnobby, now out of spell slots, misses with an Eldritch Blast. Remember this.

Two Redbrands still live and Ggnomeo runs up to the closest one and double-stabs him with his daggers because he had to give Kraj his rapier. He almost kills him but ‘almost’ doesn’t cut it and the Redbrand stays in the fight.

Gnob, the meelee warlock who has just been generously gifted a meelee weapon decides not to meelee and casts Eldritch Blast at the wounded Redbrand. He missed.

<sigh>

Gnorman this time does remember to ask Lathander if it is okay to kill this twat and Lathander says “Yes”. The wounded Redbrand gets killed by a glowing warhammer to the dick.

Only one Redbrand remains and this is the one that Gnobby would have dropped a Dissonant Whispers on, if he had the spell slots to do so, and Gnorman probably would have twatted if Ggnomeo had used his rapier that Kraj took and never used.

Instead, the Redbrand runs away through the other door and Gnorman’s attack of opportunity was not quite enough to kill him outright. He bangs on the other door and shouts to the boss that there is trouble and then legs it towards the chasm.

Gnobby runs through the room, out the door and nukes the fleeing Redbrand but rolls a 1 for damage and doesn’t quite kill him <sigh>.

However, the Gnobby-Ggnomeo tag-team does its thing once more as Adam depresses Mike by successfully persuading him that he can pull off a bonus-action hide as he runs under the table, over the chair, rolls out the door and sneak-attack back-shots the Redbrand, killing him.

Vaseline runs to the boss door, changes into a human and shouts “It’s ok boss, we dealt with it!” and then Matt rolled a 1 on the performance check. It was a nice thought Matt but the dice said “no”.

We Know Better <sigh>

Gnorman wants to kick the big-boss door in right the hell damn now. Gary attempts to explain the current tactical situation; we know the boss is in there, and probably ready for us because the fleeing Redbrand shouted to him and we want to face him with two warlocks that have no spells left and a rogue and a warlock with no health left.

Discussions occurred. Discussions occurred for quite some time.

Gnobby gets impatient and decides to just kick the door in anyway. More discussions occurred while we decide who is actually best able to kick the door in. While the rest of us are planning door kicking, Kraj is keeping quiet about the key that was found earlier. Nobody examined the door and thus nobody saw the lock <sigh>.

The portable ram was applied with some enthusiasm and the door came apart quite nicely to reveal what looked like a wizard’s laboratory. An open door leads into another room. Ggnomeo pocketed the lock from the broken door.

A rat scuttles into the other room. Gnobby screams “DEMON RAT!” and pursues it. In the next room it flees through an open secret door and down a set of stairs. In frustration, Gnobby drops a bag of 1,000 ball bearings down the stairs after it.

We might want to remember that next week…

A search of the rooms reveal a book written in dwarvish. A search of the character sheets reveal none of the characters speak dwarvish <sigh>.

A note is found signed by Dah Black Spidah! The Black Spider. It says that strangers are due to arrive in Phandalin that may be working for ‘the dwarves’. They are to be captured or killed and any maps they have are to be sent to Cragmaw castle. It also seems that Sildar’s friend Larno is actually Glasstaff

  • Gnobby> We should find these strangers that are coming to town and work for the dwarves and see if they want to ally with us!
  • <group sigh>

Loot is looted; 350gp and two spells scrolls. Ggnomeo sneers at the spell scrolls so Gnobby grabs them. They are scrolls of Charm Person and Fireball.

YEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAA!

Ah, it transpires that Fireball is not on the Warlock spell list. Well… bugger.

DM Mike explains that Glasstaff fled once warned by the fleeing Redbrand. That would be the Redbrand that wouldn’t have been able to warn him if we had either done a double entry or short rested so the Warlocks had spells slots for that fight. Preferably both.

End of Session.

Next time on The Gnomes from GNAMBLA:

  • – Will anyone tell Christina that the boss got away with her magic staff?
  • – Will Gnobby be able to locate the strangers working for the dwarves?
  • – Will Kraj continue to choose not to kill things that really need killing?

Tune in next week to find out!