LMOP2 – Episode 6: Whence-forth We Set Forth

Starring:
Jake as Gnorman the Gnome Paladin
Kraj as Gnob (or is he?) the Gnome Warlock
Gary as Gnobby the other Gnome Warlock
Adam as Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) the Gnome Rogue
Christina as Kiara the Gnome Sorcerer
Matt as Paracelsus (Vaseline) the Gnome Cleric

With:
Mike as the DM

Season Recap:

– Some Gnomes (and a Triton) who are on a religious crusade to seek the lost artifacts of the gnomish god ~~Balavar~~ Baravar, set off with a wagon of ale to meet Gundren Rockseeker and Sildar at Phandalin down the coast.
– The Triton was killed in an unfortunate rock-climbing incident that ended with a crit-hit from a bugbear and a short fall to a long sleep.
– Snorri was killed by Kraj due to an unfortunate sarcasm incident.

Pre-session Guff

Past-Gary told Future-Gary he was a fuckwit who forgot to turn on OBS to record the session (again). Adam turned up late (again) ~~and had his microphone muted (again)~~.

No, you are not reading last week’s write-up <sigh>

Night Sweats

Having rescued what might have been the real Gnob (but might also still be the old Gnob) last week, the brave adventurers retired to the tavern for some victuals and sleep.

Rumours are heard:

– The local priestess recently returned to town injured.
– The local orchard keeper used to be an adventurer like us (and Jake).
– Orcs are causing problems on the Triboar trail
– The local woodworker and his family have disappeared after a fracas with the Redbrands, a local group of ruffians who hassle everyone in town except members of the Miners Exchange.
– The innkeeper’s son found a secret tunnel in the woods

Rooms were rented and Lesgo attempted to sleep in Gnobby’s room at the foot of his bed. Gnobby told him to get the fuck out as he never lets the servants sleep in his room unless he can help it.

Lesgo winked at his boss and said he always slept there which did not improve his future employment security one iota as Gnobby slapped him and told him to stop lying. Brandon gives him a slap as well for good measure.

DM Mike used the term ‘whence’ and then extended it to ‘whence-forth’, which was nice.

Sildar wants the group to meet him at the Townmaster’s Hall in the morning. Gnobby would still like to drag Gnob before the priestess. There then followed some unseemly knob-dragging comments.

At this point it transpires that Jake’s microphone stopped working about ten minutes before and he was wondering why nobody was answering him. This rather upsets Jake as several pithy comments are now lost forever as no one heard them. Oh well.

The party retire to bed. Gnobby hears a knock on his door and says “If that’s fucking Lesgo, he’s gone!”. Whoever was at the door left hurriedly.

Kiara dreams of chaos. Gnob dreams of Sir Gnobby being heroic due to the bollocks Gnobby told him of the last few episodes. Gnorman dreams of a soothing light as Lathander is pleased with him. Vaseline does not dream. Gnobby dreams of being in an argument with a god.

Baravar decides to visit Gnobby and complain about the lack of progress in recovering the artifacts. Gnobby gets argumentative and Baravar goes off on one about worship. Gnobby points out that they have a mutually beneficial agreement and that he is not a minion. He also points out that this may take awhile. Baravar then threatens to change the terms of the deal.

Frankly, at this point Gnobby was wondering if that Traveller fellow wants to come to an arrangement because if Baravar won’t hold up his end of an agreed deal then the deal is off.

Worst case, Edgy McEdgelord, High Lord of Edgetown will come to play instead.

The following morning, mysterious D20’s were rolled at the request of the DM.

I Intimidate It!

The party awoke the next morning refreshed and possibly not possessed and proceeded to the shrine which the DM described as a pile of rocks. Gnobby briefly contemplated trying to walk into it but then figured that would be stupid.

The priestess was asked if she could tell if any of the party, but especially Gnob, were actually who they were supposed to be and not, purely hypothetically, some demonic evil shapeshifting, backstabbing, soul sacrificing entity instead.

The priestess agreed to help in return for a favour involving a banshee called Agatha, a comb and an ancient spellbook. Gary pondered if maybe it was Agatha all along and yes, it sounded just as bad listening back to it as it did at the time <sigh>.

The group agree to help and then head off to the Townmaster’s office to meet Sildar. A toady attempts to stop the party entering but a defiant attitude (and a minor illusion making the paladin’s eyes glow) got them waved through.

The Townmaster tried to get stroppy but Gnobby’s +4 to intimidation (helped substantially by the paladin’s glowing eyes) got him to back down in a hurry. When asked about the Redbrands and why he hadn’t done anything about it, he lies and waffles about them being a militia and tax collectors.

He also gives them more details about the orcs on the Triboar trail and offers a 100g reward. Gnobby negotiates half up front. Again, the paladin’s glowy eyes may have helped. The 50g is donated to possibly-real Gnob since definitely-fake Gnob has all of possibly-real Gnob’s money.

Sildar kicks the Townmaster out of his own office so we can have a chat. He tells the party that Gundren has found a map to Wave Echo Cave which contains The Forge of Spells, a very powerful artifact that must be secured.

Gundren is thought to be held in Cragmaw Castle but Sildar doesn’t know where that is. He also mentions a missing friend who was investigating the old manor house on the hill.

I Investigate It!

The adventurers (and whoever Gnob is this week) visit the woodworker’s house as it is close to the Townmaster’s Hall. Thus begins a serious amount of fuckery involved in finding nothing of note:

– There is blood on the door. Adam immediately asks if it is red.

– Mike sighs mournfully.

– Gnobby attempts logic on Ggnomeo again and might have persuaded him that the ~~nuns~~ gnuns lied to him about red blood being evil.

– Gnobby is determined to do it right this time and runs up and kicks the door open. He then runs back a bit and drops prone.

– Gnorman casts Divine Sense while looking pointedly at Gnob. He detects nothing.

– Investigation checks are called for. Gary rolls a 3, Matt rolls a 3 and Kraj rolls a 2. Heyzeus Aitch fucking Kerist.

– Gnobby, Vaseline and Gnob sheepishly leave the house to be searched by better people.

– People who could roll anything remotely decent found signs of struggle and drag marks.

– Kraj asks if we can hear anything. Gnob tells everyone to be quiet as he rolls perception.

– Kraj rolls a 1 <sigh>. Gnob perceives a knocking on the roof.

– Gnobby runs and leaps from the house pulling a mid-air 180 and landing in the Black Widow crouch, one hand raised with an Eldritch Blast at the ready. A demon squirrel is on the roof! Gnobby blasts it and its smoking corpse is sent flying! Gnobby is now smugly convinced that he has just saved the town.

The party find nothing further in the house and proceed to the orchard to meet the ex-adventurer. Cider and apple juice are consumed while they chat and they learn a few useful things and then head off to the Minors Miner’s Exchange.

Gnome-ists!

As they approach the Miner’s Exchange two men block the way. Two more are lurking 30ft behind them:

DM Mike> Redbrand one, the larger of the two gentlemen says “‘ere look! Looks like school’s out. Alright kids? Wot you up to?”
Ggnomeo> We are here to be exchanged for other minors!
<group sigh>
Gnobby> I hunch over a little bit and rub my hands nervously and try and appear obsequious. “Ah sir, we are the guhnomes from GuhNAMBLA and we were hired by the authorities in Neverwinter… the census bureau. It seems strange happenings have been going on in the villages around Phadalin… they’ve all been losing their idiots! You wouldn’t happen to personally know anything about that would you?”
Redbrand One> … no….
Gnobby> Okay.. I Eldritch Blast him.
<groans>
<laughter>
Ggnomeo> In the dick!
Gnobby> Thank you brother! I lower my aim slightly…

Look it was going to end in a fight as soon as anyone said anything Jake found mildly offensive okay? I was just being expedient.

Roll initiative.

The two closest ones are 25ft from the party

The Redbrands rolled 14 which was decent. Adam rolled a 1, Kraj rolled an 8 and Jake rolled a 3 which was pretty indecent <sigh>

Gnobby suffers a momentary pang of regret and asks the DM if he knows for sure they are Redbrands. He does not. Ooops. Gnobby then justifies it anyway as retaliation for the insults plus these ruffians are clearly gnome-ists and need to die! There was much agreement for this.

If we had known how the fight was going to go, they might not have agreed so readily…

Red One Standing By

Round 1:

– Vaseline casts Bless but it doesn’t work.
– Gnobby tells Vasleine to embrace Baravar instead of whatever shonky god just let him down.
– Kiara, paranoid about wild magic, crossbows Redbrand-One and hits for 9 damage.
– The two archers at the back shoot Kiara. This is why you don’t look up mob stats, DMs tend to change things like giving Redbrands ranged attacks. Kiara gets hit twice for 10 damage.
– The two at the front charge and make two melee attacks each. Gnorman and Gnob both get hit once. Gnob retaliates with Hellish Rebuke for 13 points of the rare elemental damage type ‘backatchamofo’.
– Gnobby burns one of his two spells on a Dissonant Whispers and kills the second melee Redbrand. Gnobby then runs around a corner and takes cover.
– Gnob flanks Redbrand One and gains +2 to hit and still misses <sigh>.
– Ggnomeo flanks Redbrand One and gains +2 to hit and says “I stab him in the butthole!”. He misses.
– Gnorman, already flanking Redbrand One and gaining +2 to hit, attempts to “warhammer him in the dick!”. He misses.

Round 2:

– Vaseline attempts to stab Redbrand One with a rapier. He hits! He calls out “In the name of the Traveller!”. He rolls a 1 for damage <sigh>
– Gnobby tells Vaseline to embrace Lathander instead of the shonky god that just let him down again.
– Kiara is persuaded to use her magic as the rest of us would actually find it hilarious if we all got killed by a wild magic Fireball. She Firebolts Redbrand One. She misses.
– Redbrand One swings at Gnorman twice and hits once. One archer shoots and hits Ggnomeo, the other pulls out a horn and lets blast.
– Well, bugger.
– Gnobby, figuring (wrongly) that Redbrand One’s luck will run out this turn, turns his attention to the archers and nukes the first one for twelve damage. That’s him fucked and nearly dead. Remember this.
– Gnob runs across to road to cover and on the way shoots an Eldritch Blast at the archer that was nearly dead. Except he didn’t, he shot at the full health one <sigh> And he missed anyway.
– Adam has a mute fail and then Ggnomeo, already flanking Redbrand One and still gaining +2 to hit, attempts to stab him in the butt-hole again. He misses again.
– Okay, this is getting stupid now.
– Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) disen-fucking-gages and hides in an elderberry bush.
– Gnorman, already flanking Redbrand One and gaining +2 to hit attempts to “warhammer him in the dick again!” . He misses again. The author is getting a lot of use out of copy-paste in this fight <sigh>.

Round 3

– Vaseline flanks Redbrand One and gains +2 to hit and says “this time the butt-hole is going to get it!”. He is cheered on with much helpful commentary from his colleagues. He misses. He is jeered on with much unhelpful commentary from his colleagues.
– Kiara Firebolts Redbrand One and hits him! He is done right? He is going down faster and harder than Kraj’s mum right? Right!
– No <sigh> Redbrand One has one hit point remaining.
– Two more Redbrands appear. Well, bugger.
– Gnorman gets missed twice by Redbrand One. Gnomeo gets shot.
– Gnobby figures this shit has to end and steps back around the corner and drops his last spell slot on Bert the Unkillable Redbrand and finally kills him. Maybe the rest of the party can get on with the fight now.
– Gnob, the meelee warlock, runs away from new two meelee Redbrands and Eldritch Blasts one of them instead of the nearly dead archer. He missed anyway <sigh>.
– Ggnomeo had to call off his “hide and scream ‘butt-hole!’ and shoot Bert” plan and hid and shouted “Surprise motherfucker” and shot, and hit, but did not kill, the unwounded archer instead of the nearly dead archer that has been nearly dead for quite some time now.
– Mike and Gary were somewhat scathing about the target selection capabilities of fucking Ggnomeo and fucking Gnob.
– Gnorman casts cure Wounds on Kiara. Which was nice. He rolled low and only healed her for 3hp… which was not so nice. He also ran behind cover and put himself within 30ft of the two new Redbrands <sigh>.

Round 4

– Vaseline tries to cast Healing Word on Kiara. It works! Gnob, who is next to Vaseline and bleeding heavily, is rather unimpressed. Vaseline said he didn’t know Gnob was injured. Gnobby resisted asking for an insight check.
– Vaseline then crossbows an archer that was not the one that has been nearly dead since round one <sigh>. He missed.
– Kiara Firebolts the not-nearly-dead archer and makes him a dead archer. The nearly dead archer must have offered his god something special that morning.
– A Redbrand ran to attack Gnorman and quite remarkably made it as, for some reason, the paladin had moved just inside the Redbrand’s movement range. He got deservedly twatted.
– More than anything Gnobby wants to nuke the nearly dead archer but Gnorman, mostly through his own idiocy, is in serious trouble so Gnobby nukes the melee Redbrand next to him instead.
– Gnob casts Hex on a Redbrand and everyone gets excited. He then explains that it only triggers when he lands a hit and everyone gets very unexcited again. Against all odds Gnob actually hit him! For 13 damage! That Redbrand is now rather fucked so I expect no one will attack him any more.
– Adam started his turn by saying “Oh hello, let’s go” in a voice I cannot describe. The closest I can think is if Leslie Phillips was a paedophile psychopath on ecstasy.

Legend

– Adam then does redeem himself; after failing his attempt to hide (this is important), he asks which Redbrand is the most damaged. Quite remarkably it turns out to be the archer that has been nearly dead since the start. Even more remarkably, Ggnomeo attacks it! Ggnomeo hits it! Ggnomeo kills it!
– Except there is a problem because it’s Adam. DM Mike casually asks why Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) rolled a D6. Adam replies with “Sneak attack!… Oh no!”. Cries of ‘CHEESE!’ ring out and Gary offers Mike the use of Cheesebane to verily smite the offender. The damage is re-rolled and he rolls a 2. The archer has one hit point left <sigh>.
– Fucking Ggnomeo.
– Gnorman hits the closest Redbrand, is rather shocked, and instantly shouts “DIVINE SMITE!” with such enthusiasm the table cracks up for a while. He kills the Redbrand in one hit. Nice. And about fucking time too.

Round 5 (yes, a piddly Redbrand ruffian fight goes into round five)

– Vaseline charges up to the nearly dead archer but can’t do anything when he gets there.
– Kiara Magic Missiles nearly-dead-archer and he finally becomes finally-dead-archer <sigh>
– Gnob gets twatted twice by the hexed Redbrand.

WARLOCK DOWN!

– Adam asks Kraj “Are you playing your mum? Because you keep going down a lot”
– DM Mike points out that is the only good shot fired by Adam tonight.
– Having downed Gnob, the Redbrand tries to run away.
– Ggnomeo runs up to a wall and there is a moment of hilarity when it is unclear if he is tall enough to see over it. Adam then attempts to cheese rocky terrain but DM Mike rules that hiding behind a stone wall does not count even if it is made of stone.
– Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) shoots the fleeing Redbrand in the butt-hole and kills him. End of combat. Thank fuck for that.

Ggnomeo retrieves his arrow and says he will use it as a punji stick. He then has to explain (in quite a lot of detail) to most of the group what a punji stick is.

End of Session.

Next time on The Gnomes from GNAMBLA:

– Will anyone remember to search the bodies?
– Will anyone hit anything ever?
– Will the punji stick be deployed?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post session guff:

It wasn’t as bad as it felt. In five rounds of combat:

Gnob landed 1 hit.
Vaseline and Gnorman both landed 1 hit and a heal.
Ggnomeo landed three hits.
Kiara and Gnobby landed four each. Although Gnobby used two half-damage-on-fail guarantees and Kiara used never-miss Magic Missile.