- Starring:
- Jake as Snorri the Gnome Fighter
- Kraj as the Gnome Timebender
- Gary as Gnobby the other Gnome Warlock
- Adam as Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) the Gnome Rogue
- Christina as Kiara the Gnome Sorcerer
- Matt as the Gnome Cleric
- With:
- Mike as the DM
Author’s Note: One stupid action and we spend a whole session resolving it. Maybe Probably Totally worth it though!
Season Recap:
- – Some Gnomes (and a Triton) who are on a religious crusade to seek the lost artifacts of the gnomish god Balavar, set off with a wagon of ale to meet Gundren Rockseeker and Sildar at Phandalin down the coast.
- – They took three hours to take out four goblins. Actually it was three goblins I think, the last one got tired and ran away.
- – The Triton was killed in an unfortunate rock-climbing incident that ended with a crit-hit from a bugbear and a short fall to a long sleep.
- – Snorri was killed when the DM and Gary were being sarcastic while Kraj (fucking Kraj!) decided to go AFK without saying anything and then never asked the obviously important question when he got back: “Who am I stabbing and why?”
Pre-session Guff
Past Gary told Future Gary he was a fuckwit who forgot to turn on OBS to record the session (again). Adam turned up late (again) and had his microphone muted (again).
Spoilers, we spent the entire session sorting out the Kraj situation <sigh>
The Kraj Situation <sigh>
As the party arrive at the outskirts of Phandalin, Gnobby calls a team meeting to address Snorri’s demise. Snorri died because in the real world the DM and Gary were taking the piss and Kraj went along with it despite knowing better. However, this has caused issues in the game world where Snorri was killed by Gnob and his soul sacrificed to Asmodeus <sigh>.
Gnobby’s (Gary’s) basic position is that Gnob (Kraj) stabbed Snorri (Jake) while he was unconscious on the floor, then sacrificed his soul to Asmodeus and thus simply cannot be trusted and probably needs to pay for that foul deed.
Gnob denies all knowledge of the event or even who Snorri was. This did not impress Gnorman (Jake), Snorri’s paladin brother. It wasn’t helped by the shockingly low deception roll Kraj made and the utter lack of remorse for doing the dirty deed.
Attempting to recover from the bad position he finds himself in, Gnob then says he was not aware of the event and says that the event may happen again but will try and ensure that it won’t and insists he was unconscious and did not know what he was doing.
Gnobby counters his counter saying that it doesn’t matter if he knew what he was doing as he could just do it again and Gnobby sees no way the party can continue with Gnob in it. This is why Gary hates PvP, you simply wouldn’t repeatedly go into combat with someone who you know could stab you in the back at any moment.
Kraj’s continuing pleas of innocence and not being in control of himself were somewhat undermined when Gary read out the following from the episode in question:
Kraj> I’ll go up and stab whatever the fuck I need to stab!
DM Mike> Okay, so you are following Asmodeus’ advice?
Kraj> <slight hesitation> … Yes!
“Well that’s a bit damning” said Jake as Gnob failed another deception check by quite a lot.
Gnorman asks Lathander what he should do. The DM seems to rule that as he doesn’t have Guidance, he doesn’t get an answer. I’m not sure that’s how Mike meant it but that seemed to be the outcome when Vaseline (Matt) (who STILL hasn’t added his character to the D&D Beyond campaign) and who not only saw Gnob sacrifice Snorri, but also had to rescue the goblin baby from being sacrificed to Asmodeus by Gnob, refused to cast Guidance on Gnorman. This instantly made Gnobby and Gnorman suspicious of Vaseline <sigh>.
You Know You Are In Trouble When….
The DM pulls Kraj into a private channel for an intimate phone sex DM chat session. While this happens Gnorman and Gnobby question Vaseline’s helping of an agent of Asmodeus and wonder what his god would think of all this. Vaseline gives not one single toss.
DM Mike and Kraj the Backstabber rejoin the rest of us and the DM asks what everyone is doing. Gnob maintains he didn’t know what he was doing. Gnobby can’t see any way forward with Gnob in the group. Gnorman is still waiting for a response from Lathander. Ggnomeo wants to treat Gnob as the victim because Adam is a dick. Kiara is neutral because she didn’t see it happen. Vaseline wants him to loudly and vocally reject Asmodeus and walk in the light of The Traveller <sigh>.
Gnobby wants to know who the fuck The Traveller is because he doesn’t want Gnob renouncing one evil god for another. Vaseline says “Not everything is as it seems” and his form flickers for a moment as he turns out to be a shape-changer. He makes an argument about not judging Gnob on what we see.
Gnobby and Gnorman disagree as they SAW him stab Snorri and take his soul.
Gnob waffles for a bit and then offers to follow Vaseline’s request and reject “Amso-who?” and walk in the light of The Traveller.
Since absolutely nobody believes him, Gnobby suggests we take him into town and get a priest in town to take a look at him and see if he is still associated with evil.
There then followed an ‘interesting’ conversation about the priest and DM Mike made a comment about Goliaths that will not be reproduced here because the world is now a better place.
Gnorman really wants to kill Gnob but reluctantly agrees to go with Gnobby’s plan and go find a priest (ah fuck the world, a priest who is hopefully not a Goliath paedo). Everyone is happy to go along with the plan and we are finally on our way.
Until Adam fucked it <sigh>.
Fucking Adam.
So now Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) says he grew up with nuns and they said that if your blood is red then you are evil and that we should just stab Gnob in the heart and see if his blood is red.
Everyone sighs deeply.
There is then a discussion on gnome nuns… or Gnuns <sigh>
DM Mike tells Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) that his character has a permanent fear of penguins.
One of the main problems Gnorman and Gnobby are having with Gnob is the total lack of remorse. As DM mike is explaining what we are about to do (go to town) Kraj undermines Gnob’s entire position with the offhand comment “Snorri bled red, just sayin’”
Oh Heyzeus fucking Aitch Kerist.
Gnobby attempts logic on Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) but that obviously fails because Adam. Meanwhile Gnorman is demanding to know why Gnob would say something like that but then says “Oh fuck it, I just hit him in the head with a hammer”
Roll initiative.
Surprise! No, really.
Gnob gets a surprise round by attacking a group of people who were expecting an attack. Gnobby was rather unimpressed with the obviously unnatural goings on (a combat round in 5e is 6 seconds).
Sketchy-Gnob rolls 1d6+4 and hits Gnorman for 19 damage knocking him out. He also now gets two attacks but chooses not to use the second attack and backs away from the party proclaiming that he could have attacked further but didn’t.
Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) can’t decide on an attack of opportunity, rolls for it and then doesn’t do it. Kiara and Vaseline both decline to attack as well and Adam is already regretting not doing it.
Gnobby, still pissed off over the totally-not-surprised-but-still-surprised surprise round, cuts loose with some venom and blasts the backstabbing traitor! For four whole points of damage <sigh>.
Vaseline declines to heal Gnorman and instead casts Spare the Dying which stops him from bleeding out but leaves him knocked out.
Ggnomeo continued to try and attack but no one else was interested and Gnob gnobs off into the distance towards town.
Priorities
The party enter town and immediately set about hunting down the evil presence they have unwittingly let loose upon the innocent townspeople of Phandalin.
Of course we didn’t, we went shopping. Well, we went shopping after we collected quest rewards to spend on shopping.
DM Mike attempted to guilt trip the party about this but once again, not one toss was given, especially after he mentioned that some kids appeared to be missing and the local priest was really upset because *REDACTED*.
DM Mike also explicitly stated that the general store did not sell weapons. Adam immediately tried to buy a crossbow from them <sigh>
As they finished shopping and left the store, an old lady appeared asking for help because strange noises were coming from a nearby house. The paladin was suitably guilt tripped into helping and the rest of the party went along for a laugh to help.
Gnobby politely knocks on the door then backs calmly but swiftly away from it and drops prone. A muffled thump is heard and nothing else happens. Gnobby sheepishly picks himself up and pretends he tripped over something.
Jake, having forgotten everything ever learned about opening doors in D&D, tries the handle <sigh>. It is locked. Ggnomeo attempts to pick the lock while Gnobby stands behind him fondling a brand spanking new crowbar.
Sadly Ggnomeo succeeded in picking the lock and the party entered the room rather less suddenly than Gnobby would have preferred and there they found… Gnob. Tied to a chair and gagged.
Gnob appears to be the real Gnob and the other Gnob appears to have been a fake Gnob but no one is really certain if this Gnob is the old Gnob or a different Gnob entirely. Clear?
Gnobby feels this has gone far enough and new-Gnob is cut loose and ‘invited’ to the tavern for chat.
End of Session, well done DM.
Next time on The Gnomes from GNAMBLA:
- – How will the party determine if new-Gnob is old-Gnob or gnot?
- – Will anyone care after this week?
- – Will Kraj have learned his lesson and never ever do what the DM pointedly asks ever again?
Tune in next week to find out!