Starring:
- Jake as Snorri the Gnome Fighter
- Kraj as Gnob the Gnome Warlock
- Christina as Kiara the Gnome Sorcerer
- Gary as Gnobby the other Gnome Warlock
- Adam as Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) the Gnome Rogue
- Matt as Sea Smurf/The Blue Thing/Not-A-Gnome, a Triton <sigh>
- With:
- Mike as the DM
Author’s Note: As Gary is somewhat indisposed and bouncing in and out of hospital, Mike has agreed to step in and run Lost Mines of Phandelver while the old DM gets over it or ends up under it.
Phandelver is the ‘beginner’ D&D adventure but obviously we are all now seasoned D&D professional adventurers so this should be a piece of cake right? Right.
Also, Mike hates gnomes so obviously everyone rolled a gnome. Except Matt <sigh>
Season Recap:
It’s the first episode, there isn’t one.
Pre-session Guff
The write-up starts a bit late because Gary is doing the write up and had just gotten released from the hospital, gone home and jumped straight into D&D.
He still made it before Matt though, just sayin’. Gary obviously took some flak, obviously mostly from Adam, for being late and said he felt like a dirty player disrespecting the DM by not turning up on time.
Gary hinted that the party name he and Adam had come up with was not to be googled and, because he was on drugs, laid the blame entirely on Adam.
Adam said that his character name was pronounced Guh-Nomeo (the second G is silent, apparently) and Gary said his character name was pronounced Guh-Nobby Guh-Nobberson who is a Guh-Nome. Mike let out an audible, heartfelt sigh.
Gary sympathised with Mike but this is about karma and payback and so Gary’s character is a Knight and has two gnome retainers called Lesgo and Brandon. Not sorry.
The Inn of No Regrets
Our adventure starts at an inn with Gary asking if Christina and Kraj were happy to go along with the still-undisclosed group name he and Adam chose. Gary did acknowledge that it was very unfair but they agreed anyway. It is important to know that Balavar is a gnomish god.
The group of adventurers have been summoned to the inn to meet Gundren Rockseeker, an old friend with a mission for them. Instead of Gundren they are met by an NPC asking if they are there for the Gnomes Against Gnomephobia meeting. Or GAG <sigh>
Gnobby (Gary) introduces the group as “The Gnomish Northern Alliance Missionaries for Balavar’s Lost Artifacts. Yes! We are.. the Gnomes from GNAMBLA!”
This also means that the gnomes (and Matt) are on a religious crusade and thus can get away with even more stupid activities than normal. We then had to explain to Kraj what NAMBLA is. That went about as well as you would expect.
Gnobby (Gary) has cheesed telepathy into his Warlock build and asks the others if we are here for the meeting. Ggnomeo (Adam) is eager if there is food. It then turns out that unlike the main campaign where everyone has used Charisma as a dump stat, in this campaign we have two warlocks, a sorcerer and a rogue that all have decent charisma scores and Ggnomeo gets double proficiency on persuasion checks. Sorry Mike.
Lord Gnomeson greets the party and drops a lot of DM related hints about how the entire world and the gods all hate gnomes. Ggnomeo (Adam) makes a successful persuasion check and blags the party into the VIP area and we started in on the free food and drink like a swarm of locusts.
It transpires that the Triton (Matt), A.K.A Sea Smurf, is supportive of gnomes. Gnobby (Gary) sends a telepathic message to Lord Gnomeson that he is lying which leads to an unrepeatable ‘gnome tossing’ joke.
A letter from Gundren is received and he has gone ahead to the town of Phandalin with his friend Sildar and one wagon loaded with ale. The party are to follow with the other when able. Everyone got shift-faced, had a sleep in and, because they had the mother birthing person of all hangovers, left around lunchtime the next day but only after Gnobby (Gary) purchased two reliquaries and sneaked them into Ggnomeo’s inventory while Adam was AFK. This is a throwback to the first LMOP disaster years ago. There’s going to be a lot of this.
The Sea Smurf bought a donkey.
There was a moment of reflection while that one sank in and the DM let out another long, heartfelt sigh.
After lunch, also at Lord Gnomeson’s expense, we all set out for Phandalin with a cart full of ale and a donkey.
Back to the Future!
The adventurers (and Jake) arrive at a narrow section of road with trees and bushes on both sides of the trail. Ahead is an upturned cart and a pair of dead horses.
Gnobby (Gary) attempted to perception the cart from the starting position and successfully perceptioned that the cart ahead was very similar to the cart the party were on. He then exclaimed “Everyone! We have somehow gone backwards in time and that is us from the future!”
Look, two hours before I was still in hospital and the drugs were still fresh, okay?
Ggnomeo (Adam) ran into the nearest bush and attempted to hide. He perceived a hidden goblin!
- Gary> Awww, Mike turned off the DM tools so I can’t draw a big arrow pointing to it.
- Mike> Remember, I ran this with kids first.
- Gary> So did I!
Shots fired!
The goblin appears unaware of Ggnomeo’s presence. Gnobby (Gary) perceptions a natural 20 and sees Ggnomeo (Adam) react and sends him a telepathic message asking what is wrong. “Nasty goblinses!” is the reply and then Gnobby starts screaming in a proper girly scream “THERE’S GOBLINS IN THE BUSHES!”
Roll initiative!
It should be noted that this fight is the single most deadly fight in all of the published D&D adventures. Sneak attacking goblins against level 1 characters is nasty.
Different Adventure, Same Old Shit
Adam (Ggnomeo) rolled highest of the players and went first… with an eight.
First fight summary:
– Adam received a scat related text message from his wife (not joking)
– The goblins got a surprise round and the one that was one with the bush ran up and missed the giant blue Sea Smurf
– A second goblin ran up and stabbed Gnob (Kraj) for 5 damage.
– Some reprobate asked the DM if these were ten foot squares.
– Completely unrelated to the above, a third goblin shot at Gnobby (Gary) and also hit for 5 damage. That’s half the gnome warlock’s hit points gone. A fourth goblin shot Sea Smurf for 5 damage as well.
– The rearward goblins did a bonus action hide and vanished again.
– Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo!) rolls a natural 20 and lands a sneak attack crit killing the goblin by Sea Smurf. He then ruins it; “Can I drag the corpse into the bush and make feral munching sounds to try and intimidate the others?”. Okay… moving on…
– Gnob (Kraj) wastes his one attack and misses with Eldritch Blast. Gnobby is rather scathing.
– Gnobby: “I cast Dissonant Whispers at it, can it make a Wisdom save?”. Yes was the answer, yes it could. Very wisdrous goblins, apparently <sigh> The two Warlocks are really doing the business in this fight.
– A hobgoblin appeared! Ouch. It attacked the feral muncher in the bush but missed.
– Gary, who was already dizzy, made himself a lot more dizzy by doing the annoying Jake hand circle thing. Totally worth it.
– Gnob (Kraj) and Sea Smurf both get shot again, for five damage again and the goblin archers hid… again.
– Ggnomeo, having been caught making munching noises in the bush, tried to stab the hobgoblin in the dick but rolled a 1. It was agreed that hobgoblins must have very small dicks. Ggnomeo duly informed the hobgoblin that it had a very small dick.
– Gnob (Kraj) stabs the closest goblin and actually hits it and kills it. He then runs and hides in the nearest bush which irritates Gary no end as that was the bush he was going to hide in.
– Matt asks if there are any other healers in the party. It transpires that Matt is the only healer. Gary, who has spent all night giving Matt shit for rolling a Triton instead of a Gnome, suddenly thinks Tritons are the bees knees and the bestest things evah.
– The wondrous blue aquatic healing god from the sea smacks the hobgoblin upside its head.
– Gnobby (Gary) casts Elridtch Blast at a goblin in a bush and melts the flesh off of its steaming bones leaving it a crumpled heap of smoking giblets in the bush! Well, that’s what happened in my mind. In reality I had clearly caught Mattitis and rolled a 7 missing it by a large margin <sigh>.
– Kiara (Christina) casts a Firebolt and misses. Welcome to the party! Then we had wild magic go off. Everyone was genuinely excited by this until it turned out to be ‘Confusion’ and everyone had to make a save. Interestingly gnomes have advantage on saves against this so it should be pretty harmless right? Right.
– Kraj, Gary and Christina all failed the save despite having advantage on it, and that was quite an accomplishment, and so it came to be that Gary was confused in both realities he was inhabiting that night <sigh>.
– Snorri (Jake) finally gets a go, screams “CHARGE” and runs over to the hobgoblin and stabs it dead. As first turns go that was fairly impressive and there was a shocked silence while it sank in that Jake did something adventurous and it actually worked.
– Gnob (Kraj) Eldritch Blasts a goblin again and misses again and then runs behind the cart. Gnobby (Gary) who is confused gets an attack of opportunity on Gnob and stabs Gnob in the dick… Gnob’s nob as it were… and lands the only hit he will land all fight <sigh>. It was still satisfying though “Look, it was a small dagger and a small target!”
– We then had a protracted period of sneak attacking goblins swapping fire with perceptioning players and Gnobby (Gary) remained confused and so couldn’t advise his fellow gnomes (and Matt) on how to deal with hidden attacking goblins; HOLD YOUR FUCKING ACTIONS AND AMBUSH THEM WHEN THE MOTHER BIRTHING PERSON FUCKERS BECOME FUCKING VISIBLE!
– Eventually all but one goblin got picked off and the last one ran away and combat ended.
Or did it?
We had a problem; Snorri (Jake) had been confused by another wild magic surge and seemed unable to make a save to snap out of of it. Gnobby (Gary) decided to be extremely helpful by re-enacting the scene from Airplane and forming a line to slap him back to sensibility. Even Lesgo and Brandon joined the line.
Gnobby slapped the 7HP Snorri for 4HP (a proper backhand slap) and, sadly, he then made the save. “Brother, I have healed you!” exclaimed Gnobby and the others very reluctantly stood down. Except Ggnomeo (oh Ggnomeo) who wanted to make sure and slapped Snorri down to 2HP.
A short rest was taken and then the group decided to follow the goblin tracks and try and rescue Gundren.
Next time on The Gnomes from GNAMBLA:
- – Will Gnob get stabbed in the nob again?
- – Will the group successfully change the future and prevent their future selves from being ambushed?
- – Will Gnomeo (oh Gnomeo) find a convenient street light and step out of the shade?
- Tune in next week to find out!