SKT Episode 25: Off The Rails

Karl/Kraj as Celdar the Elf That Broke It (Twice) – It’s Charisma… you’re fucked!
Jake as Abelas the Tree-Wrangler – I’m waving my arms and muttering gibberish!
Adam as Joffrey the Sex-Offender Enabler – Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Mike as Regulus the Sex-Offender Counsellor – I’m sorry, what?
Christina as Elvira the Silent Voice of Reason – Yeah, do it!

With:
Gary as the DM – I am once again actually, physically, face-palming right now.

Author’s Note: I nearly called this session off because I was feeling like shit. While you may get the impression from the below that I wish I did, I’m really glad I didn’t.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t.

Pre-session Guff

As usual, Kraj joined early and whinged at the DM about various stuff making the DM’s set up of tonight’s encounters at Nesmé a bit more difficult that it needed to be.

DM> If you dispose of the Darkscale armour from your inventory and then re-add it again you should find it now grants proficiency in medium armour when worn.
<Kraj promptly ignored this and simply unequipped it and then re-equipped it>
Kraj> That didn’t work, maybe if I delete it from my inventory and re-add it?
DM> <deep breath, stay calm> That’s what I said, didn’t I?
Kraj> I didn’t catch that, all I caught was un-equip it and re-equip it…
<silence… possibly the sound of a faint thudding>
Kraj> ..and er.. I may have been off headset for a second…
<silence>
<laughter>
Kraj> Hi future Gary! Yes, Kraj wasn’t paying attention!
DM> Whoooosaaaaah…

The DM goes on to explain to Kraj that he isn’t feeling great tonight and that Covid is indeed still kicking the DM’s arse after 5 months.

DM> It’s not as bad as it has been but…
Mike> Hello!
DM> ….I’m just a bit sick of it now. Er… not you Mike.
<laughter>

The shortcomings of Mass Effect Legendary were discussed and whether or not it was worth buying if you already own the games.

We also discussed whether Mike’s recent investment in Biomutant was going to pay off. It aint looking good.

The DM went to turn off the Mass Effect 3 soundtrack playing in RythmBot. He mistakenly first clicked on Spotify even though it isn’t playing through Spotify, he then managed to open OBS which was still not Discord and finally he then managed to mis-click on Windows Explorer instead.

DM> <sigh> This is going to be a long session.

I had no idea…

Adam found a screenshot from the first lockdown of three idiots playing Wildlands doing a triple-sniper-in-cowboy-hats combo. The DM linked his Steam screenshots and pointed out the large number of pictures of vehicles upside down and burning, all Kraj’s work. The man has a gift when it comes to turning working machinery into orientationally challenged scrap that is on fire.

Hmm, seems ‘orientationally’ isn’t a word. It damn well should be!

Matt couldn’t make it because he had to go to… go to… <deep breath> go to a cocktail party.

I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Despite the amount of Pre-Session Guff we actually got started relatively quickly… like 15 minutes after we were supposed to instead of 40 minutes like usual.

Of Mice and Men

At the end of the last session they party had pretty much decided to pop up the road to Nesmé and find out what the Zhentarim were up to. As Nesmé is right next to Mornbryn’s Shield, where they are starting the session, the DM was confident that they would continue up the road to the content he had prepped for this evening. Absolutely nothing could go wrong, right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

The DM rather foolishly laid out the other locations available, mainly as a reminder for their travel options after we get done with Nesmé. For no reason the DM could discern, they suddenly didn’t want to go to Nesmé at all <sigh>

Regulus> Where does everyone want to go?
Celdar> Weren’t we going to Nesmé?
Regulus> Well we thought about Nesmé but Adam wanted to go to Shadowtop Cathedral.
Joffrey> Because we were told not to do it last time!
Abelas> We were only told not to do it because we didn’t have a quest there.
Regulus> Yeah, you just wanted to go sightseeing!

The DM has absolutely no problem with going sightseeing, you just have to tell him in advance which sights you plan on seeing.

So in the inevitable planning session, Nesmé became Nestlé and they discussed it at length and once again used logic and reason to decide on their next course of action.

Of course they didn’t as they once again rolled a fucking die to decide <sigh>.

DM> I am once again actually, physically, face-palming right now.
<Adam rolls the die>
Adam> This is Mike’s idea, I’m just pressing the button… <rolls> Shadowtop!
Mike> Shadowtop is where we’re going to!
DM> <deep, heartfelt sigh>
<some laughter>
Kraj> You know all that prep you were doing Gary?
DM> <resignedly> Yeah.
Mike> <laughing> Gary… we did say if you want us to go somewhere, just tell us!
Jake> Yeas, otherwise we are going to make it difficult.
DM> That is not how it works. See, I’d look at the map and go “Oh look, Nesmé is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!” but no, you lot go “No! Let’s go back AWAY from the closest point” but that’s fine… everything is ok…
<laughter>

I’d like everyone to just mentally store this moment in your brains until the end of the session. They started in Mornbryn’s Shield just a short journey to Nesmé but they went to Shadowtop Cathedral instead. Just remember that fact.

All jokes aside, player agency is quite important in D&D. However, there have to be limits on it. As we are running a book campaign and not a homebrew world, we have to follow the structure of the book. While the players must start chapter 1 in Nightstone and they must finish chapter 1 in <redacted>, in between those two places they get a certain amount of free will on where to go and what to do. Eventually they will meet the criteria for kicking off chapter 2 at <redacted>.

However, we can’t have complete free will due to the technical limitations of TTS; the maps need time to build and can’t be made on the spot.

When I prep for a session, I’ll usually put quite a bit of time into where I think the players are going to end up, but I’ll also re-read the sections where they might end up. If they can reasonably end up somewhere, the maps and minis would have been prepared but not necessarily put in place yet. If the players go somewhere unexpected, but still reasonable, the content can be prepped during the session.

If the players go somewhere unreasonable, then we have a problem likely to result in “Ok, we’ll come back next week”.

That has never happened yet… fate –> tempted.

Definitions

Carrying on the disaster them from last week, D&D beyond suddenly decided the DM needed to buy the Storm King’s Thunder book even though he already owns it <sigh>. Some logging in and out eventually fixed it.

The DM did point out that if the players hadn’t gone to the wrong fucking place, none of this would have happened. Just sayin’!

The DM asked the players about their travel route:

DM> Do you wish to go via Flint Rock, which is on they way?
Abelas> No? I think we go down to Yartar and then make our way through the route that we know is vaguely safe.
Regulus> Flint Rock sounds safe.
Joffrey> Yeah, Flint Rock sounds pretty sturdy!
DM> <sigh>
Regulus> What’s Gary just put in the chat?

Adventurer
noun
– A person who enjoys or seeks out adventure
– Someone who seeks dangerous or exciting experiences

Abelas> Gary is trying to shame me for not being adventurous! I have 37 hit points! I have to be careful!

Pansy
noun
– One who lacks courage, One who backs down from a challenge

Regulus> I feel that might be Gary’s dictionary…
DM> There are several different dictionaries on the Internet and this one is one that everybody should look up ‘European Steamboat’ on.

Then we had another problem. The problem was that Kraj (who else?) couldn’t see the green destination markers on the map <sigh> The DM took some drastic action to highlight them to him:

The session lapsed into varied conversations until Kraj asked if it were Christina’s go. The DM pointed out he was still waiting for the players to make their minds up about where they were actually going and the route they were taking.

Some dithering took place and the DM stepped in to try and get this shit show back on track using a tried and tested psychological technique:

DM> Wait, wait, wait, let me take charge of this Mike, I can get it sorted out quickly! Right everybody, Jake really doesn’t want to go to Flint Rock…
<laughter>
DM> Adam do you want to go to Flint Rock?
Adam> Absolutely!
DM> Mike, do you want to go to Flint Rock?
Mike> One hundred percent!
DM> Kraj, do you want to go to Flint Rock?
Kraj> Yes!
DM> Christina, would you like to go to Flint Rock?
Christina> Yes.
DM> Good, we’re going to Flint Rock then!
Jake> <laughing> I fucking hate you all!

The spirit mound of the Elk tribe of the Uthgardt Barbarians is situated in the midst of the Evermoors atop a gnarly knob of flinty stone that’s perpetually shrouded in fog. Its rings, cairns, and altar mound are created from piles of heaped rock, barren of plant growth. The altar is a rectangular slab of stone 10 feet long, 6 feet wide, and 3 feet tall, its surfaces worn smooth by time. The enormous basin surrounding the altar mound is shaped like the silhouette of a leaping elk stag, although this image isn’t readily apparent when the area is seen from ground level. Buried under the cairns are the bones of the Elk tribe’s greatest warriors.
On the higher ground of the ring outside the basin, placed outward from the altar along the cardinal directions, are four menhirs of solid gray stone that the Elk tribe’s shamans use to track the passage of time, the changing of the seasons, and the movement of the stars.

There are two elk feeding on some moss about 200ft from the group.

Regulus> Adam, you want to kill them don’t you?
Joffrey> <dismissively> No, they’re not yours.
<laughter>

Regulus> I’m tempted to summon Anonymoose and send him off to live with them for 24 hours.

No hostile action was taken against the elk. This was a good thing that the DM might have to explain some time in the future.

They proceeded to Calling Horns where they were fondly remembered for sorting a migrating Troll problem and given free room and board. The following day they took off along the Evermoor Way toward the High Forest.

DM> As you approach this particular part of the Evermoor Way, several ragged looking bandits jump out, the leader of which shouts out “We’re the Dandy Highwaymen and… OH FUCK! RUUUUNNNNN!”
<laughter>
DM> And they head off at speed into the Evermoors.
Regulus> They didn’t listen to what you said last time Jake!
DM> Ok, we are about to leave the Evermoor Way and dive into the High Forest.

Although much less expansive than in ancient times, the High Forest is still vast and mysterious. Larger than most kingdoms, it encompasses mountains. The High Forest is home to treants of enormous size, stags with antlers as wide across as a wagon, brown bears bigger than large sheds, owlbears, wolves, unicorns, and many other creatures, including fiercely territorial wood elves and Uthgardt barbarians of the Tree Ghost tribe. The forest holds many hidden settlements, haunted ruins, fey crossings, and ancient magical wards.
In the outermost fringes of the forest, woodcutters ply their trade, and outlaws on the run might find refuge. But as everyone knows, those who venture too deep into the High Forest are often not seen again.

The Tree Whisperer

The DM enquired if anyone was Emerald Enclave and Abelas was the only green in the group. The DM privately messaged Abelas the following:

The forest within 50 miles of the site is seeded with awakened trees and awakened shrubs that are loyal to the enclave. These plants hide the trails that lead to Shadowtop Cathedral. If the awakened plants spot a creature openly wearing or carrying the symbol of the Emerald Enclave, the plants move aside to reveal hidden trails.

DM> This you know, Jake. How much of it you impart is up to you.
Mike> We have no way of knowing if what he tells us is what Gary told him!
DM> Jake, at this point do you choose to disclose any of that to the party?
Adam> “Here’s where the loot room is!”
Abelas> What I actually say to the group is that this place is known to me and I can get us through with my magicks and I just walk towards the trees!

The DM calls for a marching order and the group head into the forest

DM> Ok, Clay is staying at the inn getting drunk. Er.. which is not too different from real life!
Regulus> Was he drinking cocktails?
DM> Yeah, you last saw him drinking something purple with an umbrella in it. <starts laughing> Chatting up the barman… who’s a half orc… called Rupert. Ok, I’m going to stop now before I talk myself into a lot of trouble. <sigh> I’ve completely lost my train of thought now…
Regulus> Abelas and I are in the front then Joffrey in the middle…
Joffrey> And the two long rangers at the back.
<The DM considered a comment about how you can’t pluralise the Lone Ranger but figured most of the audience were too young to get the reference <sigh>>
DM> As you enter the forest the trees on the outskirts are relatively sparse but it doesn’t take long before it becomes much more dense and soon you are faced with a seemingly impenetrable wall of trees and undergrowth, but as Abelas approaches they seem to just move out of the way…
Abelas> I’m waving my arms and muttering gibberish!
Regulus> <flatly> Can I have an arcana check on that?
Abelas> Oh fuck!
DM> Ok, Abelas appears to be making the trees move out of the way… er… um…
Abelas> Sorry Gary!
DM> No, no, it’s fine, I’ll tell you what we are going to do… Abelas, make a deception check with advantage.
Abelas> Oh no…
Celdar> It’s Charisma, you’re fucked!
DM> The reason you have advantage is because something is clearly happening….
<Jake rolls a 2, laughter abounds>
Abelas> I call fucking bullshit! Come and look at this fucking roll! Look at this shit! That is a 17! I call fucking bullshit!
DM> You have another go…
Regulus> It’s advantage. Rollaone, rollaone, rollaone!

Regulus makes his arcana check and is somewhat confused; he detects no actual magic emanating from the wizard but clearly there is an effect of magic happening as the trees and bushes move out of the way.

Abelas> It’s ok, I wouldn’t expect half-casters to be able to work it out.
<gasps>
Joffrey> Can I see what’s going on with the nature side of things Gary? See what’s going on with these trees?
DM> Absolutely.
<Joffrey rolls a 17>
DM> A lot of the trees appear to be ‘awakened’ trees and ‘awakened’ shrubs.

Woodland Walk

They spend the rest of the day moving through the High Forest with the tress moving out of the way to form a straight road for them. As daylight starts to fail they make camp in a small clearing.

DM> Despite the reputation of the High Forest you feel at peace. Do you wish to maintain watches overnight?
Regulus> I’ll just sit in the middle and spin around.
Joffrey> Abelas, what do you think?
Abelas> We’re safe here.
Joffrey> I’m watching!
<laughter>
Regulus> I can’t sleep so I’m just basically…
Joffrey> Are you like R2D2 watching over Padme?
DM> <sigh>
Regulus> Yes!
Abelas> His head is just spinning!
Regulus> I’ve tinkered a chair that spins and I sit on it just slowly rotating.

Kraj also chooses to take a watch and as he is waking Joffrey to take over, a unicorn trots out of the forest under the full moon. It pauses for a moment on the trail and then saunters off back into the forest.

The following day they arrived at Shadowtop Cathedral

A closely packed stand of towering shadowtop trees lies in the High Forest. The dark canopies of the trees form a high roof that permits only hints of sunlight to touch the ground beneath. Shadowtop Cathedral is an important meeting place for the Emerald Enclave.

DM> Gimme a sec, there’s a lot of information here that you don’t need to know, or wouldn’t know. I’d have done this earlier but Kraj turned up early and started whinging at me…
Kraj> <sigh>
Jake> And also, we weren’t supposed to come here.
DM> Indeed. If you hadn’t had someone from the Emerald Enclave with you, you would have had to search for trails with disadvantage and frankly, given the way you lot roll dice, we might have been stuck here for the next three sessions.

The DM, knowing his players would have completely forgotten why they came here in the first place, undertook to remind them:

Liffrelas, the treant who aided them in the fight at Goldenfields, suggested they track down a druid named Aerglas who fought a lot of giants in his adventuring days. Aerglas left Goldenfields 30 years before on a pilgrimage to Shadowtop Cathedral. Lifferlas suggests they travel to Shadowtop and speak to a treant that lives there called Turlang as Turlang might know where Aerglas is as he is a friend of the druid.

Got that? Go to Shadowtop, find Turlang because Turlang is the one who knows the stuff, ask Turlang where Aerglas is. A plan so simple that absolutely nothing can go wrong right? Right.

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Satyrical Simplicity

A very sad looking Satyr is the only occupant of Shadowtop when they arrive. He introduces himself as Greenwhistle and asks what their business is. Remember, a simple plan right? Go to Shadowtop to find Turlang and ask him where Aerglas is.

Regulus> Jake, do you want to take this one as these are your people?
Joffrey> Waddya mean “Your people”?!
Abelas> <laughing> Are you sure that’s a good idea?!
<Jake thinks about it for a few seconds>
Abelas> No! It’s NOT a good idea! Have you seen my Charisma level?!
Regulus> <sigh> We are Adventurers Anonymoose and we have been sent by Lifferlas to…
Greenwhistle> Adventurers Anonymoose?! Didn’t you save Goldenfields?
Regulus> We did! <pompously> It was a hard fought battle but we did it to save many lives! We have been sent by Lifferlas to look for the druid Aerglas.
DM> <sigh>

“Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much pain and doubt for so simple a plan? So small a plan?”
Boromir, if he had been a DM

So we are going to digress a tad here because the DM feels it is important to do so. Don’t worry, the DM fucked up and managed to derail everything shortly after this but this is the player’s fuckup spotlight.

Within less than a minute of being reminded of the simple three-step plan, of which they had already accomplished the first step, they managed to turn this:

Step 1: Go to Shadowtop.
Step 2: Find Turlang.
Step 3: Ask him where Aerglas is.

Into this:

Step 1: Go to Shadowtop.
Step 2: Ask ask a random stranger where where Aerglas is.
Step 3: Don’t ask the random stranger where Turlang is.

Amazingly, Greenwhistle doesn’t know Aerglas or where he is. This is primarily because Greenwhistle is not Turlang <sigh>

Regulus> Tell me Greenwhistle, why are you so sad?
Greenwhistle> <mournfully> Ah well <sigh> There’s this dryad, she’s the greatest thing you’ve ever laid eyes on. I asked her if she wanted to go out but she turned me down.
DM> There’s a small pool there and he just sits down and plays a terribly sad song on his pan pipes.
Regulus> If I were able to leak water from my eyes I would on your behalf.

At this point the DM decides to intervene as it’s taken us an hour to get this far.

Off the Rails

DM> You dropped the name of the druid but that’s not actually who you were supposed to find here…
Abelas> Oh yes, the treant!
Regulus> Oh yes and we understand that the druid Aerglas was looking for the treant Turlang.

While that’s quite an ‘interesting’ take on the information the DM has given out about this quest, the DM lets it slide for the sake of expediency (and his sanity).

Greenwhistle> Ah yes, Turlang! He’s a bit of a grumpy git frankly, but he comes and goes and he mostly just stomps around this area scaring off people who don’t belong here. He doesn’t really like people who aren’t trees or druids.
Regulus> Is he related to a wizard in Waterdeep by any chance?
Greenwhistle> Chazlauth?
<laughter>
Regulus> Yes that’s the one, totally not a dragon.
Greenwhistle> Hmm, while Chazlauth is very difficult to deal with, he is very good at transmutation magic. Turlang should be along any time now.
Regulus> Ah, good. <uncertainly> Well luckily we do have a druid who he may get along with…
<Some laughter as Joffrey’s previous negotiations were remembered>
Joffrey> I can turn into unicorns!
Regulus> <shitting all over that particular parade> No you can’t, they are celestials.
Greenwhistle> Erm… ok then.. good for you!..?
Regulus> Thank you for your help Greenwhistle, is there anything we can do to assist you?

And now we get to the point where the DM trying to be funny with a throwaway line led to a derailment of fairly epic proportions <sigh>. Although I’m still mainly blaming Mike.

Greenwhistle> Ah… not really…
Regulus> I could give you advice on matters of the heart but I don’t really have one. If there’s anything we can help you with in regards to your love problems then please, our wizard here knows many things and may be able to assist you.
Greenwhistle> Do you know anything about drugs?
Joffrey> Yes actually, I have a herbalism kit, I’m proficient in that shit. What do you want to make?
Regulus> I’ve got medicine…
Greenwhistle> Anything that will send her to sleep?
<silence>
Regulus> I’m sorry what?
<shocked laughter>
Regulus> I see, well… let’s talk about say, I want a cup of tea and I was going to give you one but you didn’t want one but I forced you to drink one… that’s not consent.
Joffrey> Gary, as a druid and being proficient in herbalism, do I know how to make roofies?
DM> Not exactly…
Abelas> Oh for fuck sake!
Regulus> <shocked> Why do you want her to go to sleep?
Greenwhistle> I don’t understand what you are talking about…
Regulus> What’s the plan with sending her to sleep? What are you hoping to achieve?
Greenwhistle> <offended> It’s none of your business is it?! You offered to help!
DM> He goes back to playing a very sad song on his pan pipes, it’s even sadder now than it was before.
Regulus> Is it a little bit rapey as well?
Joffrey> Is it penetrating your ear drums?

The DM mentioned the sad song from the wedding singer but none of the heathens he plays with got the reference so here it is in all its glory:

1m40s of when Adam Sandler was still funny. Although, after this session, the DM kind of empathises with the chorus at 1:14 <sigh>

Regulus> So I’m going to send you to sleep and then abuse your unconscious body! I think we’ll skip this side quest, maybe bypass the rapey sidequest and just go and find the big giant treant.

Just to be absolutely clear, there was never, and never will be, a ‘rapey sidequest’ in any game I run. It was a stupid throwaway line but now we’re in it. In it deep <sigh>.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “You’re on your own with this one Buttercup, I aint getting anywhere near that mess.”

I would also point out that all the rapey connotations came from the players. Greenwhistle simply asked for the drug. Maybe she had insomnia? Ever think about that, you filth-minded sickos?!

Waiting Game

They decide to wait for Turlang to arrive. As it’s mid-morning the DM asks them if there’s anything they want to do while they wait. Mike decided that ‘letting it rest’ was not on the agenda <sigh>

Regulus> Can I try and introduce the concept of consent to Greenwhistle?
<laughter>
DM> <sigh> Yes, I suppose. You spend the afternoon…
Regulus> Saying “You see, if she’s unconscious, she can’t say ‘yes”
DM> <starting to lose it> Bear with me… I need to look something up.
Abelas> I love that this sidequest was given to <Mike> it entertains me.

It isn’t a fucking sidequest!

DM> As the day goes on the rest of you see Regulus patiently explaining his position to Greenwhistle who just doesn’t seem to be getting it. Could you roll a persuasion check for me please?
Regulus> Ok, I’m going to use Flash of Genius as well… that’s fifteen?
DM> He listens to you for several hours but he is clearly not getting the concept. You explain it again and again, the good and the bad and the morality of drugging people against their will and that is is not right and not fair.
Greenwhistle> You do understand that this is a dryad? You know how they do things, don’t you?
Regulus> Yes, my dear friend Greenwhistle, but two wrongs don’t make a right! Be the bigger… bigger…. Satyr?
Abelas> How do dryads do things? I feel like we should know!

Dryad – Neutral
Dryads act as guardians of their woodland demesnes. Shy and reclusive, they watch interlopers from the trees. A dryad struck by the beauty of a stranger might investigate more closely, perhaps even try to lure the individual away to be charmed.
Monster Manual

Regulus> yes! So you understand now about consent? I can leave here happy if you just say you’re not going to…
Greenwhistle> If I just say yes, will you go away and leave me alone?
Regulus> <dubiously> If I believe you.
<laughter>
Regulus> Do I believe him?
DM> No idea, we’re about to find out…

The DM rolls a 17 and add +6 for the Dryads acting ability. Regulus needs a 19 or a 20. He rolls a 19. Regulus, who by now wants out of this conversation almost as much as the DM never wanted to get into it, sighs deeply and heads back into the fray.

Greenwhistle pretends to fall asleep and ignores Regulus.

Abelas> <laughing> How much time? How much time have we spent…?

About 15 minutes.

It seemed longer. Much, much longer.

The DM decided to read out the monster Manual description of the Satyr’s lifestyle choices. This decision was made without actually having read through it before. Consequently, as he’s reading this, the DM starts out quite calm but slowly descends into hysterical laughter, joined by the players by the end of it. “I was making most of this shit up on the fly and it’s perfectly in character!”:

Satyr – Chaotic Neutral
Satyrs are raucous fey that resemble stout male humans with the furry lower bodies and cloven hooves of goats. They frolic in wild forests, driven by curiosity and hedonism in equal measure.
Hedonistic Revellers. Satyrs crave the strongest drink, the most fragrant spices, and the most dizzying dances. A satyr feels starved when it can’t indulge itself, and it goes to great lengths to sate its desires. It might kidnap a fine minstrel to hear lovely songs, sneak through a well-defended garden to gaze upon a beautiful lad or lass, or infiltrate a palace to taste the finest food in the land. Satyrs allow no festivity to pass them by. They partake in any holiday they’ve heard of. Civilizations of the world have enough festivals and holy days among them to justify non-stop celebration.
Inebriated on drink and pleasure, satyrs give no thought to the consequences of the hedonism they incite in others. They leave such creatures mystified at their own behaviour. Such revellers might have to scrounge for excuses to explain their disordered state to parents, employers, family, or friends.

Getting through that last paragraph was quite hard for the DM who was struggling to breathe at that point.

Regulus> Right… <sigh> Rapey Greenwhistle, there’s nothing I can do.
DM> <Having properly lost it> I’ll have to call him…. ‘Rape Whistle’ from now on! <becomes incoherent>

It takes a while for the DM to collect himself.

Meth Lab

Dawn breaks with still no sign of Turlang. They reluctantly decide to wait another day:

– Regulus ascertains that the dryad’s name is Jenny.
– Joffrey spends the day trying to make chloroform.
– Joffrey actually manages to make a mild anaesthetic, he thinks.

DM> Greenwhistle comes over to you and says “Whatcha doin’?”
Joffrey> Does this smell like chloroform to you?
DM> He takes a massive sniff and goes out like a light.
<laughter>
Regulus> We could tie him up.
Joffrey> I’ll look after him.
DM> <meaningfully> So you’re tying him up?
Regulus> No… <starts laughing> because if we tie him up, Christina will shoot him!
Elvira> Yeah, do it!
<laughter>
DM> I need to be absolutely clear on this, have you tied him up?
Regulus and Abelas and Joffrey> No.
DM> Pussies. I couldn’t wait for the grumpy xenophobic treant to get back and find you’ve tied up his mate. I’d need to make a map for that one and this session is already so fucking far off track….

They decide to camp for another night.

DM> Joffrey, the next morning Greenwhistle kind of sidles up to you and says “<sniff> got any more that mate? <sniff>”
Joffrey> Yeah, if you can provide the parts necessary and er, you know, a little bit of gold to make it worth my while.
Greenwhistle> Yeah, yeah, cool, five gold do?
Joffrey> Make it ten.
Greenwhistle> Will seven and a half do?
Regulus> Oh for fuck sake…
<Joffrey tells Greenwhistle which herbs he needs>
Greenwhistle> Oh, they grow near where Jenny lives!
DM> And he scampers of into the forest.
Regulus> I feel like I should track him…
Joffrey> We should follow him to help!
<Shocked laughter>
DM> <sigh> We are NOT doing a gang rape…
Joffrey> WOT?!
Regulus> What?!
Abelas> <cracking up> I think he meant.. I think… as much as… I don’t think…
Joffrey> No! I meant follow him and tell him we’re helping him!
Regulus> Not holding her down!
DM> Right, enough, this is far enough off track as it is.
<laughter and agreement>

Another day passes and once again they camp overnight.

Who Are You With Again?

DM> The following morning Turlang arrives and he is very grumpy. This is an enormous treant, He’s about three times the size of Lifferlas. He is also in the company of a female half-elf druid.
Turlang> <in a very deep, loud voice> Why are all these outsiders in my cathedral?!
Regulus> Does the druid or the Emerald Enclave want to take the lead on this one? <sigh> I don’t believe I’ve just suggested Adam take the lead… we’re fucked aren’t we?
Joffrey> I think the wizard should take the lead on this one!
Abelas> Oh for fuck sake.. I just tell him…
Turlang> Are you a druid?
Abelas> I mention…
Turlang> Are you a druid?
Ableas> I say to him…
Turlang> ARE YOU A DRUID?!
Abelas> <sigh> No, I’m in the Emer…
Turlang> Go away.
Abelas> I’m a member of the Emerald…
Turlang> Go away.
Abelas> I’MAMEMBEROFTHEEMERALDENCLAVE!
Turlang> Go away!
Joffrey> I’m a druid!
Abelas> Yes! He’s a druid!
DM> Turlang looks Joffrey up and down in his pristine white robes…
Turlang> <snootily> I don’t think so.
Joffrey> <sigh>
<laughter>
DM> Turlang turns to his half-elf companion who is wearing green and brown leather with some fur trim and a green cloak. One branch sweeps down and wafts head to toe.
Turlang> This is what a druid looks like. You are not what a druid looks like.
<Joffrey turns into Panic Snake and back again>
DM> The rest of you have never seen a treant yawn before. The half-elf gives him a wallop with her staff and says “Be civil!”
Turlang> <sigh> Do I have to? Well then, who are you and what do you want?
DM> I’m not going to be able to do that voice when I get over Covid am I?
Joffrey> Doh! I could have spoken in druidic. I’m such an idiot!
<Yes, AND you can speak giant>
Regulus> Can we offer to swap druids?
<laughter>
Abelas> Ours is faulty!
Regulus> Yes, ours is broken.
DM> Turlang leans down to the half-elf and says “Says it’s a druid, talks like a druid, smells like a druid… doesn’t look like a druid!”
Regulus> Adam, if you need the names, Lifferlas sent us to look for Aeglas.
Joffrey> Yes, right, we are looking for Hourgalss!
DM> <sigh>
Regulus> And the giants!
DM> <laughing> So Regulus is stood behind Joffrey just prodding him and saying stuff; “<poke!> Giants!” and Joffrey is like “Oh yeah, the giants!”. Turlang audibly sighs… there’s a lot of that going on tonight…
<laughter>

The half-elf druid introduces herself as Tharra, Turlang’s companion. Tharra tells Turlang not to lose his temper and to cooperate. Turlang sighs again and says that while he doesn’t know Lifferlas, he does fondly remember Aerglas but hasn’t seen him in many years and doesn’t know where he is.

However, as the players are in opposition to the giants, Turlang gifts Joffrey control over two awakened trees and an awakened shrub.

Now the problem is that these plants have a movement speed of 20ft. How the fuck these were supposed to be useful, I don’t know but the only solution I could find about it online said “Let your players come up with ways to utilize these unusual allies”. Sounds like a plan to me!

Joffrey immediately names them Woody, Tree-Diddy and Elvis Parsley <sigh> and insists they come with the group instead of leaving them here to guard Shadowtop as suggested by several other members of the party.

Regulus> I think in that case, we need to build this armoured wagon next.
DM> I can just see you lot driving this fucking wagon around with two trees and a bloody bush sticking out of it.
Joffrey> My cat’s got something to sit in now and get stuck!
DM> <deep sigh>
Abelas> Do you ever regret doing this Gary?
DM> Very much so…
Joffrey> Look, when Woody lays his life on the line for us…
Abelas> He’ll know he had a friend in us!
<groans>

Let’s Get The Flock Out Of Here

Regulus dobs in Greenwhistle to Tharra. Snitches get stitches dude! However, this did get Mike to finally drop it so we could all move on.

Goodbye Shadowtop, it was an experience.

Tharra decides to accompany the adventurers (and Jake) back to the Evermoor Way. A couple of days of unmolested travel later they arrive at the road having not been dicks to Tharra. As they had been friendly, she gives Kraj a pouch of 6 magical silver berries that act as Potions of Invisibility.

Tharra then asks them to accompany her to see an old ranger friend Quinn who lives in Jalanthar. The adventurers (and Jake) agree and they make a pleasant trip through the Great Forest in summertime, only interrupted by a passing visit to Stone Stand, the burial shrine for the Blue Bear Uthgardt barbarians (thought to be extinct). After several days they reach Jalanthar.

The village of Jalanthar is a riverbank waystop for barges travelling up and down the Rauvin River. The hardy residents, who call themselves Jalantharren, live in stone cottages with mud-sealed timber roofs that are covered with turf to resist burning. The homes are half-buried in the ground and from a distance can be easily mistaken for small grassy knolls. The hills north of Jalanthar are riddled with caves, wherein the natives take refuge should the village come under attack. The caves are furnished and well-stocked with preserves.
Jalanthar boasts just one amenity for travellers. The Crowing Cockatrice inn is a low-walled, poorly built oval stone keep in the heart of the village. It features a central yard covered by a rickety roof made of old shields and bits of rusted armour, pounded flat and held up with a profusion of props and cross-braced poles to form a stable. The innkeeper, Myles Heldruin (male human), is a friendly, talkative young man eager to please those with coin to spend.
Village law is whatever the local Council of Elders says it is. The current head of the council is a retired ranger and active member of the Emerald Enclave named Quinn Nardrosz (male human). Many years ago, an Uthgardt barbarian of the Red Tiger tribe bit off Quinn’s left ear, but Quinn prefers to talk about the part of the story where he cracked open the barbarian’s skull with a rock.

Quinn greets them warmly and, in thanks for escorting Tharra, he rewards them with three magic items he collected on his travels. One of these is off a good magic table and the other two are off a ‘meh’ magic table. The DM noted down the good roll but can’t find where he wrote down the ‘meh’ rolls so decided to get the players to do it.

The good item was:

Bracers of Archery
Wondrous Item, uncommon (requires attunement)
While wearing these bracers, you have proficiency with the longbow and shortbow, and you gain a +2 bonus to damage rolls on ranged attacks made with such weapons.

Elvira got those as she hits so often. The DM would have thought that Joffrey might have found a use for them as Elvira hits pretty hard anyway and Joffrey is a bit shit when he’s concentrating and can only otherwise use a sling.

Regulus revealed that while he could make a pair for Celdar, he wouldn’t make a pair for Celdar.

While the DM was faffing about trying to find the right magic tables, Mike looked at the map, engaged Skyrim mode and spontaneously decided that they needed to go to Citadel Felbarr no no good reason whatsoever <sigh>

The DM ignored him and hoped he would forget about it.

With the magic tables, the further down the alphabet you get, the better the items but there’s a lot of overlap. Table B still has some nice stuff on it so no pressure on Kraj and Mike who get to make the rolls.

Once again, not helped by Mike and his heretical d100 dice rolling methodology, rolling two d10’s for a percentage score proved to be far, far harder than it needed to be for a bunch of otherwise pretty smart people.

Mike rolled a Potion of Fire Breath and Kraj rolled a spell scroll of Stinking Cloud (eventually).

Quite remarkably, they only spent about five seconds deciding on where they were going next; Nestlé.

They then spent twenty minutes deciding how they were going to get there. The DM thought the short route up to Rivermoot/Mithral Hall and then down river to Nestlé was the obvious choice. For some fucking unknown reason they decided that if there isn’t a road there they can’t go that way. That’s going to make the back half of this campaign rather interesting.

Instead, they elected to teleport to Yartar and walk the long way around through places they had already been. The benefit of this was that Joffrey got to collect the cat armour he ordered for Solo… or at least he did once the DM reminded him about it.

So, do you remember that thing I wanted you to remember at the start?

And so, as with the great cycle of life where you both start and end it crying your eyes out and incontinent, they return to Mornbryn’s Shield where we started this ~~fiasco~~ session oh so very long ago. Well done everyone, well done.

And thus the mighty heroes did depart for Nestlé!

Which is obviously something they could have done right at the start… but didn’t <sigh>.

On the way they are stopped by some familiar figures guarding the road; The Seven Snakes from Nightstone.

Nearby, nailed to a tree is the corpse of a bandit and a warning note is hung around his neck that implies this is what happenes if you send a courier off to town to the Burger Meister for a meal without asking your companions if they want anything.

Jake knows. Oh yes he does.

Kraj couldn’t see half the objects on the map. Again. <sigh>

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will they ever find out what happened with Jenny and ~~Rape Whistle~~ Greenwhistle?
– Will The Seven Snakes exact their revenge for the Nightstone denial?
– What will become of the trees they sent the direct route to Nestlé?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Army of the Dead was discussed and Jake and the DM properly spoiled the ‘zombie shark in the elevator’ scene for Mike.

The ‘pluralising the lone rangers’ thing is from the film Airheads and is at the back end of this trailer, also from back when Adam Sandler was funny. If you haven’t seen it, find it. You won’t be disappointed: