SKT Episode 24: High Noon Lowdown

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Karl/Kraj (who broke it) as Celdar the Fucky Lucker – So what you’re saying is you broke it originally?
Jake as Abelas the Saviour of Celdar – I hate you so much.
Matt as Clay the Demolitionist – I’m practically on dial-up and even I can see the gallows!
Adam as Joffrey the Troll-Meister – It’s not me, it’s Elvira!
Adam also as Elvira the Erratic Archer – Nah, fuck it! I’ll shoot this Thug over here!
Mike as Regulapelas the Crit-Magnet – Abelas may be more useful to us…

With:
Gary as the DM – Erm no… yes… no… kind of… no, we’re all right dammit!

Also With:
Gravity as Herself
Oboth as ‘Bert’
Nigella as ‘Nerris’
And Ertha Bentwhistle

Author’s Note: This session was something of a technical disaster all round but aside from that it turned out to be quite an interesting one to run as DM. I had planned what I hoped would be a fun counter to the Giant Ape but there wasn’t much other planning beyond ‘put the pieces in place and see what happens’.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins. Having fought off the attack they proceeded to seek allies against the giants but then didn’t.

Pre-session Guff

The DM spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get a Thug sniper into the bell tower of the church because you simply can’t have a proper high-noon showdown without a sniper in the bell tower.

Mass Effect Legendary was discussed along with the fact that Adam hates it, obviously.

Speaking of Adam:

Kraj> Well Karma is a bitch and Adam is paying the price.
DM> Whurt?
Kraj> It looks like his Windows is fucked…
Jake> Yeah, he’s not having fun. He’s getting a BIOS CPU overheat error and now his Windows is updating.

Jake now explains how he turned off the lights and alarmed the office when he left and only when he got home did he realise that Adam may have still been in the office when he did that. The situation has not been helped by Adam only replying to Jake’s enquiries with extreme sarcasm.

To be fair, extreme sarcasm is pretty much the default mode of communication for most of us anyway.

Christina couldn’t make it because apparently her holiday was more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Mike talked about his home-working/home-not-working set up and the DM lamented that normally he would make disparaging comments about Mike’s single, large, hi-res screen but only to rub it in that Adam only has a single, not very large, not very hi-res screen, but as Adam wasn’t there it would have been a waste of effort. The others still appreciated the thoughtfulness of the intended Adam wind up though, which was nice.

Adam joins Discord but we can’t hear him:

Jake> He’s struggling with muting and deafening at the moment. It’s ok though, it’s not like he works with computers or anything.
Kraj> He’ll probably start coming through his web cam again soon.
Jake> <laughing> Hang on! We’ve got pictures!

Adam posts a picture of his Discord; it says that the Discord installation is corrupt.

Jake> This is what happens when you only have one monitor Adam.
Mike> No, this is what happens as soon as you have children and can’t afford to replace stuff.
Jake> <the clearly childless> What I fundamentally don’t understand is how he can’t afford to replace a monitor. Like, come on! A child does not mean that you have lost all your money all at once for all of your life!

In the early 80’s while at school, the DM learned what the costs of a child from birth to 18 were estimated to be and consequently is also childless. The 2019 costs are £151,000. However, as this is a purely optional expense, no sympathy is given.

Jake> I’m quite enjoying watching Adam struggle with technology.
Adam> <sounding weary> It’s alright, I’m here now.
DM> ADAM!
Adam> I’m not struggling with technology, technology just seems to be breaking every time I touch it!

Planning <sigh>

DM> Is there anything any of you would like to do before we head into Mornbryn’s Shield at high noon?

Planning and messaging took place involving:

– Plans for scouting the inn (discarded).
– Talking to someone Mike made up called Ertha Bentwhistle.
– Clay wanting to kill ‘Nerris’ (Nerris? Nerris? Who the fuck is Nerris?)
– Which exact 25 words to send to ‘Nerris’ (AKA Nigella)
– Telling ‘Nerris’ that they were coming to face ‘Bert’ at noon.
– Whether to sign it off ‘Love Regulus’ or not.
– Jake pointing out that the message constraint was a limit and not a target.
– Bladesinger AC, whether they should use Mage Armour or not, the DM’s anti-cheese methods and the potential rebalancing of those anti-cheese methods going forwards.
– Who was going to play Elvira (Adam)
– Whether or not they even needed Elvira (they did)

Three. Hours. Later.

The reply from ‘Nerris’ was somewhat more succinct:

“Oboth has called in reinforcements. They are pussies. We’ll take care of the hostages. Be on time. Watch out for dodgy geezer”

That’s 22 words because I know you pedantic arseholes would count them. I know this because if it were the other way around, I’d damn well count them.

After giving Adam a fairly severe amount of grief over his technical issues for the last 20 minutes, Jake suddenly disconnected. There was much unsympathetic hilarity and several mentions of Karma being a bitch. Adam didn’t actually say anything but you could feel the smugness over Discord.

Maintaining the theme of technical calamity, it became apparent that Kraj had broken everything and could not see half of the buildings on the map including the nearby church and the gallows.

Matt> I’m practically on dial-up and even I can see the gallows!
Mike> Adam’s only got one monitor and even he can see it!
DM> <having replaced the gallows> Ok, now can you see the gallows Kraj?
Kraj> I can’t see anything, I just quit the game and am relaunching it.
DM> <with mock indignation> FFS I just fixed it for you!
Kraj> So what you’re saying is you broke it originally?
Mike> Wow…
Jake> That is incredibly ballsy doing it at the beginning of the boss fight!
Mike> To be fair, if I had those rolls I’d be looking to get myself killed as fast as possible.

While Mike tried to rather condescendingly ascertain if Kraj actually knew what gallows were (the DM heartily approved of this tone), the DM kicked off the music for the night and once again, dulcet tones wafted from Discord:

Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!

Give Sick

We then had an extended period where the DM did simultaneous battle against both RythmBot and Kraj’s computer. The first was soundly defeated and wah-wah was put on loop. Sadly nothing could defeat Kraj’s shit PC, not even the last act of DM desperation:

DM> I’m about to try out the ‘Give Host’ command…
Adam> Oooh…
DM> … and I’m not at all sure what it’s going to do but I’d appreciate it if you gave it ten to twenty seconds and then right click me and give it back again.
<chuckles>
DM> I would like to point out that just above ‘Give Host’ is the word ‘Ban’ Now, that might seem quite amusing at first….
<laughter>
Mike> It is going to shorten our game somewhat!
DM> … but it might have quite serious consequences!

The DM clicked ‘Give Host’ and it booted EVRYONE. When we then all re-joined the Kraj-hosted map, things were not improved. Not improved at all <sigh>

Mike> Ah, right, now some of the buildings have disappeared for me!
DM> <heavy sigh>
Matt> I’ve got a message saying the shader didn’t load correctly.
DM> Yeah, I can’t see.. <starts laughing> I can’t see the gallows!

Everyone quit TTS completely and we went back to the DM hosting but sadly Kraj still couldn’t see half the map and so we had to start like that.

Adam> Do you want me to stream my screen for you?
Mike> It’s the only way you’ll get two screens isn’t it?
Adam> <sigh>
DM> How far forwards would you like to advance before engaging in conversation with Oboth?
<silence>
Regulus> I like the way you assume we were going to engage in conversation!
DM> Well, you could just kick it off! <laughing> By all means just drop a Fireball in there!

After some discussion, Clay decides to slowly walk forward and everyone more or less agreed to go with him.

The noon sun beats down on six hardy, stern-faced heroes as they slowly advance up the dusty street intending to bring justice to the low down lawless varmints running this town!

Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!

Adam> I have to go for a sec, carry on without me.
DM> <sigh>
Jake> This isn’t the time! THIS ISN’T THE TIME!

Sometime later…

DM> As you approach Oboth he calls out “I warned you pilgrims what would happen if you didn’t leave town and now we are going to put you in your graves!” and he snaps his fingers and a proper dodgy geezer pops out from behind the corner of the inn. He levels a wand at Oboth who turns into… a white dragon!
Abelas> Oh my god are we going Godzilla vs King Kong?! Turn me into a giant ape!
DM> Proper dodgy geezer runs back behind the inn and takes the hide action. Roll initiative!

Line Out

The DM helpfully drew lines around the buildings so Kraj (who broke it) could see where they were supposed to be. This simple act also ended in disaster when the lines went all bent and 3D and attached themselves to the building models instead of the base of the map <sigh>

So what was actually going on with the wand and the dragon? It was a wand of True Polymorph with one charge left. The DM felt an Adult White Dragon might be a bit much but had a contingency plan in place in case the dragon needed to go away in a hurry. Turns out the DM should have used an Ancient dragon instead.

DM> Initiative please, Abelas?
Abelas> <sigh> Five
DM> Sorry, I couldn’t hear that. Could you say it again please, louder so everyone can hear?
Abelas> <sigh> FIVE!

Yes, it is cruel but it is also funny so that makes it ok!

Adam once again starts sounding like he has his head in a bucket:

Joffrey (in a bucket)> Should I just go ahead and turn Jake into Deadalas?
Abelas> You don’t actually have to….
Regulus> Hang on, hang on, AoE could be quite useful. Could you turn Kraj into it on the basis that, and I don’t mean this in a personal way, but Kraj is a bit shit?
<Wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-wooooo! WAH-WAH-WAAAAH!>
Celdar> <laughing> Shots fired!
Joffrey (in a bucket)> <dubiously> I can do…
Regulus> I just think that… Abelas may be more useful to us for AoE…
DM> You know Kraj can hit for like five times what you can?
Clay> Words I never thought I’d hear Mike say “Abelas may be more useful to us”
<laughter>
Regulus> I know he can hit for more, he just doesn’t!
<shocked laughter>

Readers should note that in Table Top Simulator, Jake has some kind of attention disorder where he simply can’t have his pointer be still on the map for even a picosecond. At this point he was spazzing it about even more than normal for no particular reason and managed to accidentally pick up the white dragon and throw it over the party. It landed just behind them.

Luckily for him the DM was busy looking at something else or they’d have started combat like that.

The planning on what to do and who to do polymorph to went on for a while. It was eventually decided to turn Regulus into the Giant Ape while Celdar was going to Dimension Door behind the inn and try and take out the Proper Dodgy Geezer.

Dimension Door is quite a powerful effect to put on an item but the DM is relatively sure that Kraj will continue to use it to get into trouble far more often that he uses it to get out of it.

King Ding Dong

Joffrey (in a bucket) turns Regulus into Regulapelas and then runs and hides behind a nearby barn. Regulapelas rips a chunk out of the nearby church causing the bell to start ringing under the high noon sun.

DM> Erm… tell you what, why don’t we have an Acrobatics check for the Thug in the bell tower?
<The DM rolls a 7>
DM> <laughing> Well that wasn’t good was it? The Thug falls… oh crap, now I need to unlock the Thug without wrecking half the map.
<The Thug stays firmly in place while the Church goes flying>
Mike> Nailed it!
<loud laughter>
DM> <laughing> Can I just point out that it isn’t just Adam, this is turning into a disaster of a session so far!

Regulapelas lobs his chunk of church at Oboth/Bert/the dragon for a rather impressive 37 damage.

DM> Brace yourselves everybody because it is Elvira’s turn and I suspect there’s going to be an Action Surge plus two magic arrows coming up.
Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Do you want me to target big boy?

This was the start of Adam/Elvira’s targeting inconsistencies which would result in a masterful wind up of his fellow players over the next two hours.

A further discussion took place on what they were trying to achieve and the best way to do it. The DM pointed out that the wand caster still requires concentration. He also called for perception checks and Celdar saw that when the Proper Dodgy Geezer used the wand it crumbled in his hand. So twatting the caster might drop the spell and he probably can’t cast it again.

Celdar rolled highest on the perception check with an 18:

DM> What’s that total Kraj?
Kraj> I’m just trying to fucking find it…
Mike> If you need a hand with the math, Jake’s free!
Jake> <sigh>
Adam> So you can’t perceive your perception stat?

Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira shoots the dragon for 13 damage which Adam put as “eight plus nine plus three is 13”. The total was right but the rather dodgy methodology drew a few questions.

The dragon failed the Shadow Arrow roll and the DM engaged smug mode and used a legendary resistance to avoid being blinded. Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira attacks again and uses a second Shadow Arrow. At this point the DM started swearing as he properly read his stat block and realised that dragons have blind sight to 60ft and didn’t need to waste a legendary resistance to make the save <sigh>

Action Surge!

Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira used their next attack to target a Thug perched on top of the gallows.

Regulus> Wait, you just attacked a THUG rather than…
Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Yeah but that thing is going to do one bout of big damage but these things are going to do lots of tiny damage that is going to hurt a lot!

The Thug is struck for 10 damage:

DM> It’s a reasonable hit but the Thug is not overly bothered by it.
Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Ah, well fuck. I’ll shoot him again! Or do I not? Should I shoot something else?
Regulus> Well it’s up to you honestly… do what you want.
Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> What would Elvira do?
Everyone> Shoot the prisoner!
Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> Fuck it, I’ll shoot the Thug again to make sure he knows I’m here.
DM> Ok, now he’s looking very fucked.

The wah-wah is getting a bit old now so the DM spends a minute changing it to the full western playlist.

Mike> Have anyone seen the Nevers?
<silence>
Mike> The new Joss Whedon show?
<silence>
Jake> No.
<silence>
Kraj> Nope.
<silence>
Mike> <sigh> Cool story, thanks guys!

Speaking of Cool Stories

The veterans took up a defensive line in front of the inn. The dragon attempted to take to the air but didn’t quite make it and flapped its way over to Regulapelas.

DM> And then it uses it’s cone of cold breath attack.
Abelas> Well…. fuck.
Adam (in a bucket)/Elvira> <smugly> I’m so glad I moved Elvira.
DM> Could Regulapelas, Celdar, Abelas and Clay please make a DC19 Constitution save please?
Celdar> I’m so dead…
Regulapelas> A CON save?! Oooh!
Abelas> <rolls a natural 20> YES! YES I FUCKING CAN! What the shit?!
DM> Ok, for those that failed it… Kraj
Celdar> Yep?
DM> That’s fifty four cold damage.
Celdar> Oh I’m dead!
DM> Well, you’re unconscious. For those that passed it, that’s twenty seven damage.
Joffrey (no longer in a bucket)> It’s a bit chilly over here isn’t it?

ROGUE DOWN!

Clay remembers that due to his sword, Legana, he can cast Absorb Elements at will three times per rest. This definitely counts as a good time to use it and he halves the cold damage.

The Thug that fell out of the bell tower was also caught in the wave of cold and expired, becoming a Thugcicle.

Being The Best You You Can Be

Clay longbows the dragon and hits it:

Clay> That is three damage!
<a few sniggers are heard>
Abelas> <laughing> This is not the time Matt! He just fucking one shot Celdar and he nearly killed me!
Regulapelas> Matt, try and be the best Matt you can!

Clay longbows again and crits!

DM> So that’s six damage then?
Clay> I’m going to use a Pushing Attack for the extra d6 on my crit.
Abelas> Gary, is it me or is Celdar not on the initiative board?
Regulapelas> He’s dead.
Joffrey> Yeah, he’s dead Jake.
DM> <sigh>

Well… fuck. Celdar should have gone just before Oboth/Bert/the dragon so the DM gets him back on his feet, dusts him down and asks him what he wanted to do if he were to go when he should have gone. Celdar casts Dimension Door and buggers off round the back of the inn to try and hunt down the Proper Dodgy Geezer.

ROGUE UN-DOWN!

Abelas> I apologise Gary, I realise you have just one-tapped Celdar!
DM> It’s ok, I’ll… I’ll…
Regulapelas> He’ll just do it again!
DM> Yes. Celdar, you can’t see anything untoward behind the inn.
Celdar> Ok, as a bonus action I will hide like a bitch!
Regulapelas> So the dodgy geezer isn’t round there?
DM> He can’t see him round there.
Regulapelas> He’s in the well!
DM> <sigh>
Joffrey> Some proper Assassin’s Creed that is!
DM> Celdar, roll for the hide attempt.
<Celdar rolls a natural 20>
Celdar> Twenty eight total. Couldn’t fucking roll that after being tagged by a dragon could I?!
DM> Suffice to say you are now hidden. You are now as invisible to everyone else as the church is to you!

This was judged to be somewhat harsh but also funny.

– Clay flatly refuses to enter melee range of the dragon and is roundly abused as he double longbows it, hitting once for not a lot.
– The veterans again refuse to engage the players and hold their defensive line.
– Abelas drops a Storm Sphere right behind the dragon.
– The DM managed to produce yet more wonky 3D lines instead of straight flat ones <sigh>

Trolly Lolly

Joffrey runs 30ft out of cover and into the middle of the street:

Joffrey> Ten… Twenty… Thirty…. This might have been a mistake!
Abelas> What the fuck have you just done?! What the fuck is this plan?!
Joffrey> I had a plan…
<The DM sympathises, this kind of stuff has happened a lot to him so far this year>
Joffrey> …but then I realised, actually it was a stupid plan….
Regulapelas> Do. Not. Get. Hit!
Joffrey> I’m going to go back…
Regulapelas> <through gritted teeth> Do. Not. Get. Hit!
Joffrey> I’m done!

I’d like everyone to reflect on just how bad a plan it must have been for even Adam to recognise it as such and call it off. Let’s have a bit of recap on all the plans that Adam didn’t think were stupid enough to call off:

– Phandelver: The grappling hook over the wall at the castle
– Snowflake scouting the zombie tower
– Using the level 3 party’s only Fireball scroll on one ghoul
– That fucking heavy crossbow he promised he wouldn’t use
– Beaver pulling the gems out of the statue at the finale
– The ‘full Dicaprio’ bear incident
– Fucking Womford
– Electric ferret
– Pulling a Black Pudding with only five hit points left
– Tidal Waving a fire giant with a prepped boulder attack

And that’s just off the top of my head!

Regulapelas punches the dragon in the face and then Elvira shoots a Thug. This causes a slight bit of consternation amongst the others who make a few mildly snarky comments about target selection.

Adam/Elvira> Ok, I’ll shoot the dragon.
<Relieved sighs>
Joffrey> Nah, fuck it! I’ll shoot this Thug over here!
<Abuse happens>
<The DM silently but heartily approves of this troll>
Abelas> <Slightly hysterically> The dragon! The dragon is clearly the threat!
Regulapelas> Yes!
<Off-mike the DM laughs so hard he starts having a coughing fit>
Adam/Elvira> <casually> Yeah, but King Kong vs Godzilla!
Abelas> Yes and King Kong is clearly losing!
Adam/Elvira> <still casually>Is he?
Regulapelas> Well I only hit him once this round so if you want to pick up the slack?
Adam/Elvira> <so laid back he can barely see over his pelvis> Ok, ok… I’ll shoot this thug over here! I’ll shoot him instead.
<Hysteria>
Adam/Elvira> Fourteen?
DM> <trying to get his breath back> Fourteen hits, they are only wearing leather armour.
Adam/Elvira> <Smugness: it’s over 9000!> See? I would have missed the dragon! So I did the best thing there!

There may have been some mild disagreement from his colleagues on that one…

Critical Rolls

Celdar attempts to search for the sneaking Proper Dodgy Geezer but rolls a 1:

Abelas> Oh no!
DM> You feel a whisper of breath against your ear and a barely perceptible voice says… “lol”
Abelas> This is the voice of all our hopes and dreams!
Regulapelas> Yeah… I feel we might have backed the wrong pony here.
DM> If it’s any consolation, I had an entire contingency plan in place here which it looks like I won’t need because this fight has not gone the way I thought it was going to. Right, Oboth is angry so he’s going to charge and clatter into Regulapelas and he launches a full-on bite attack to the neck…
<The DM rolls a natural twenty>
<Shocked laughter and a few oooh’s and aaah’s>
DM> That is thirty eight piercing damage plus eighteen cold damage. He follows that up with two claw attacks…
<Nervous laughter>
<The DM rolls a 17 and another natural 20>
<Hysteria>

Marcus is told what the DM just rolled.

DM> That is another forty five damage…
Joffrey> Everyone felt that one!
Regulapelas> <slightly testily> I wonder if we can all focus on the dragon now?
Joffrey> Nah, you’ve got this!
Clay> Aaaw, I was going to go for some of the Thugs!
Joffrey> It’s not me, it’s Elvira!
DM> Clay?
Clay> You know that thing I said about not getting into melee with a dragon?
Regulapelas> I’m hoping he’ll still focus on me.
Abelas> Yes, you’re basically a gnat!

Harsh.

Clay hammers the white dragon with Legana for the first attack but the rolls a 1 on the second.

Clay> Oops!
Regulapelas> <sigh> My hero…
Abelas> I can feel a lot of panicked re-thinking going on in Gary’s head.
DM> Erm no… yes… no… kind of… no, we’re all right dammit!

A Boy Named Sue

DM> Celdar, you are aware of some kind of disturbance or kerfuffle going on around the back side of the inn while you are standing there perceiving your navel or your boots whatever it was…
Kraj> Sorry mate, not sure if it’s just me but your mike is a bit shit.
Adam> Is it your webcam?!
DM> No it’s just fucking you!
Matt> No, you went all Adam there.
Mike> Did you just say he was a bit shit?!
DM> <sigh>

Abelas casts a Lightning Bolt at the dragon. The DM places a line down that was supposed to illustrate the path of the lightning and the fact that it might terminate on the so far uninvolved veterans. However, because tonight is fail night, the line started at the feet of Abelas but then went full 3D and majestically soared off the playing surface to terminate about 40ft over the heads of the veterans <sigh>

Abelas hit for 14 damage which was a bit underwhelming.

DM> At the end of the round a crashing noise sounds above Celdar’s head and coming smashing out of the window above him, locked in a clinched fighting embrace, are Nigella and the Proper Dodgy Geezer and they land on top of Celdar knocking all three prone in amongst the shattered glass… and the mud… and the blood and the beer! As the great man once sang…. A kickin’ and a gougin’ in the blood and the mud and the beer!

Trollalol-lol

DM> Joffrey?
Joffrey> It’s a me! <points to a Thug on a house roof> Can I see this guy?
DM> No, you can see these guys and these ones on the gallows.
Joffrey> Ok, <points to a Thug on the gallows> fuck this guys in particular! I’m gonna wand him!
Abelas> What… why?… what?!
Regulus> Wha?.. cou… di.. wha… y… ca.. you’re not going to try and take the dragon out?!
DM> <laughing hysterically> How the fuck am I going to put that in the write up?! “Wha… eh… why..”
Regulus> I…. I… I… I honestly think… he’s got to be doing it deliberately now!
Abelas> He must be doing it deliberately!
DM> <still struggling to speak> Mike rendered utterly speechless!
Joffrey> I don’t want to attract attention from the dragon!
Regulus> <scathingly> You aren’t going to attract attention from the dragon are you?!

Jake and Mike were both triggered and spoke over each other to the point where I can’t actually decipher what they were both saying. Safe to say outrage was the main theme.

DM> Your magic missiles streak out and all hit the Thug; WHOMM-WHOMM-WHOMM and they kill him.
Joffrey> <incredibly smugly> That’s another kill for Joffrey then!
DM> As he falls off the gallows, his head becomes entangled in the noose and he just ends up gently swinging on the end of a rope.
Joffrey> Yes, extra points for style!
Abelas> That’s all you’ve done! Get the attention of all the Thugs!
Joffrey> <to Regulus> Do you want me to drop your form? Would that help you?
Regulus> No!
Joffrey> Well I’m sorry that all I’m doing is sitting here with my dick in my hands waiting for you lot to take your turns.
<I’ve listened back to it, he definitely says ‘hands’ plural <sigh>>
Abelas> I’m so glad he chose to turn you into the ape and not me. I’ve been waiting for him to fuck it up! I’m sorry Adam, I don’t mean it! But I partially do!

Regulapelas double punches the dragon for 32 damage.

DM> Yep, it’s looking properly rough now.
Joffrey> <offhandedly> Hmm, maybe I should have attacked it, it might have died.
Regulus> <with utter distain> Do you think?!
Joffrey> I can drop concentration at any time right?
DM> Yep, at any time.
Regulus> I didn’t mean that to come off passive-aggressive… I meant it come off as aggressive-aggressive!
DM> “IT’S MA’AM!”. Elvira, who is quite perceptive, notices that the front of the church looks rather unstable and it could be brought down. It would take more than an arrow to do it though. If the front of the church were to collapse, that steeple is right above the dragon and the ape and likely to land on them.
Regulus> <resignedly> Or… you could shoot the DRAGON!
Clay> If you’re playing at Christina, she’s quite intelligent so she probably would shoot the dragon!
DM> <laughing> Subtle as a brick in a sock!
Joffrey> So what you’re saying is shoot the steeple?
DM> <sigh> Just shoot the Thug, you know you’re going to.
Joffrey> Oh yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing Gary, I’m going to shoot the Thug!
<exasperated laughter>
Abelas> I hate you so much.
Joffrey> That hits for 10…
DM> That’s half its hit points gone.
Regulus> Oh thank goodness, I was worried about that Thug!
Joffrey> And that’s fourteen to hit. <smugly> See, I’d have missed the dragon! That’s eight damage.
DM> He has two hit points left.
Regulus> <sigh> So you didn’t even kill him?

Throwin’ Down

DM> Celdar?
Celdar> Erm…
Regulus> STAB HIM!
<laughter>
Celdar> Can I attack while prone?
DM> Yes but at disadvantage.

The three minis of Celdar, Nigella and Proper Dodgy Geezer are lying prone by the inn. Celdar decides to stand up. The DM accidentally selects both Celdar and Nigella and has them both stand up. Now the DM has to get Nigella prone again, this is done by attempting to throw the mini against the inn so that it topples over. Yes, it’s every bit as stupidly clunky as it sounds. The DM’s attempts to pull this off (stop it Adam!) will be represented in the following by <Throw: -result->

<Throw: Fail>
Celdar> Don’t I have to use an action to stand up?
<Throw: Fail>
Abelas> No it’s half your movement.
<Throw: Fail>
Celdar> Would I assume Nigella is an ally?
<Throw: Fail>
<Giggles as the players notice what’s happening>
DM> Well, that’s the question isn’t it?
<Throw: Fail>
Regulus> Well, she’s fighting the bloke who we want to kill <Throw: Fail> so lets focus on killing him <Throw: Fail> so I don’t get whacked by a dragon.
<Throw: Fail>
Celdar> Hell yeah!
<More giggles as Nigella almost topples over but bounces off Celdar and returns to the upright position>
DM> <sigh>
<Throw: Fail>
Regulus> Do as much damage as…
<Throw: Success!>
<Nigella lands perfectly prone next to Celdar>
DM> YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!
<laughter>
Celdar> Eureka!
DM> GET IN!!
Abelas> <nearly losing it> I had a perfect view of you just throwing her against the fucking building over and over again….
DM> <also struggling> I told you…
Abelas> Oh, this has been the best session…
DM> … this has been an absolute disaster <loses it> …an absolute disaster of a session!

A Shrinking Sensation

Celdar makes an attack with The Devil, with advantage, against the prone ‘dodgy geez’ as he put it.

Celdar> Twenty four damage!
DM> Ah, you just stabbed him straight in the heart and he just dies… <The rather tired DM struggles for inspiration to describe the scene more floridly. He fails, kind of> … He dies shitting himself on the ground.
<shocked laughter>
Regulus> Nice! I appreciate the extra effort there Gary.
DM> Nigella just lays back on the ground gasping for breath and says “It took you long enough!” and Celdar, you can now see a stream of hostages being escorted safely from the inn by a pair of veterans.

As Celdar stabbed Proper Dodgy Geezer, RythmBot started playing quiet crowd applause. I don’t know why, it was just that kind of a session. I’m just going to assume at this point that Spotify has become self aware and is out to kill us all by induced insanity.

DM> <sigh> Told you, an absolute disaster of a session. What time is it? Nearly nine o’clock! Yes, just get me to nine o’clock!
Celdar> I’ll bonus-action hide.
DM> As that happens, the dragon disappeared (it had 11 hit points left) and turns into a very surprised looking Oboth Thornsteel who is now…
Celdar> Very small!
DM> … and face to face with a giant monkey and stood underneath an imminently collapsible church spire.
Abelas> But he is outside the Storm Sphere now so it’s not going all bad.
DM> I’m going to go with the shock of being de-polymorphed stuns him and causes him to miss this turn. Clay, you calculate that a decently placed melee blow on the corner of the church would bring down the steeple, or you could just twat him in a more traditional manner.
Clay> I’m going to go for the building!
Celdar> Yeah!
Abelas> That’s probably the best answer. Cool is always better.
Regulus/Grinch> Yes… we’ve saved you village but we’ve wrecked your church!

No one else gave a toss about the church and they all reckoned they could blame the dragon anyway.

Bringing Down the House

DM> Make a melee attack against the church, it’s a static target so you’ll have to go some to fuck it up…
<Matt rolls a 1>
<Everyone loses it>
DM> He managed it!
Abelas> He’s got another one! He’s got another one!
Clay> That’s my second one in a row, I’m on a hat-trick!
DM> Legana wedges itself in the corner of the wood and timber frame…
Clay> I’ll use the giant slayer battleaxe instead!
DM> Nice! Everyone sees Clay sigh heavily, reach over his back and unlimber a massive battleaxe and have another pop at the building.
<Matt rolls a two! More laughter>
DM> And that’s enough!

Regulapelas manages to pass a Dex save and nimbly dodges away from the collapsing church avoiding most of the damage.

The church steeple, and particularly the large heavy bell, collapse and completely obliterate Oboth trapping him under several tons of masonry and steel.

The Thugs scatter and start running towards the south end of town. The veterans stand and watch and give a few nods of approval.

End of combat.

Nigella comes over for a chat. The mercenaries were hired to guard the road to Nesme because the Zhentarim have something big happening there soon. Only Zhentarim are allowed into Nesme however. The road to Nesme is to the north of town, the Thugs fled to the south.

The Mercenary’s contract had nothing in it about fighting adventurers or taking hostages so they decided to sit this one out. They were paid in advance by Oboth so as far as they are concerned that contract is now void.

Back at ~~the church~~ what is left of the church, Oboth is doing a Wicked Witch of the West impression with just his feet sticking out.

DM> <hurriedly> His boots don’t look very nice!
Regulus> You know you had to say that because the next thing is Adam trying to steal them.
Joffrey> Yeah, are they shiny?!

Nigella stands there admiring their handiwork but points out that, while bringing the church down was pretty impressive, Oboth was wearing some rather nice magic armour and he was carrying a few valuables so they would need to dig him out. Thankfully they have a handy giant ape nearby and the excavation was pretty quick.

Nigella says the mercenaries are going to go look for work a long way off just in case the Zhentarim are holding grudges. She thinks about it for a second and then mentions that they may just hunt down those Thugs as they head south.

Once the body is excavated they find a set of Darkscale armour that will be of benefit to the rogue for now, but not so much later in the campaign. There is also 600gp worth of gem stones and Oboth’s notebook.

Studying the book, Regulus finds no hints as to where Mornbryn’s Tomb might be located but he does find a series of diagrams which show the first stages for the construction of a revolutionary lightweight armoured wagon. There will be opportunities for this to be researched and built as the campaign progresses.

The players and the veterans cobble some cash together to donate to the townsfolk to help rebuild the church, which was nice.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will they go and find out what’s happening at Nesme?
– Will Adam the troll-meister suffer any repercussions?
– Will we ever progress the main storyline of this chapter?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Didn’t happen, everyone went to bed.