SKT Episode 20: Prostitutey Goblin Strippers

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – That’s how it fucking feels!
Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Yeah! Shoot your load!
Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – I’ve had a coffee!
Karl/Kraj as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – Now is my moment of glory!
Mike as Regulus the Artificer – It’s like Zorro… but shit.

With:

Gary as the DM – STAB IT!!

Author’s Note:

The DM was having a bad week, not helped by the AstraZeneca jab fucking him up and was very tired, consequently this session was a bit shorter than normal.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They were on the way to Goldenfields when they were side tracked by an ‘Adventurers Wanted’ poster from Beliard and located the Hill Giant stronghold of Grudd Haug. Then they arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins.

Pre-session Guff

The disappointment of Talespire’s release was discussed. Due to the lack of minis and the inability to import any custom art, it looks like it will be a long time until we switch.

The DM confidently announces that he has fixed the music issue and that it was definitely an issue with Rythmbot but now we have Groovy and everything will be just fine!

The DM mentioned he wasn’t feeling well and was very tired. He also told the players it was up to them to cheer him up, so no pressure then.

Just as we were about to start Jake noticed Kraj was missing (nobody else did) and so the DM messaged him on Steam to subtly remind him what day it was (“It’s Thursday fucknuts!”)

Mike> Can anyone else hear a podcast?
DM> <sigh>
Adam> <laughing> We’re meant to be entertaining Gary not annoying him further. It’s not an opportunity to finish him off!
Jake> <laughing> Part of me was like “I need to join in with that” but part of me was like “No! He’s suffered enough!”
Mike> Also the phrase “Finishing Gary off” isn’t the phrase you quite meant to use…
DM> <sigh>

Some time later and the DM said we’d wait a few more minutes for Kraj before starting as that was only fair when we waited an hour and a half for Adam last week.

While absent-Kraj was being roundly abused, the DM told those that could be bothered to be on time to prep for level 7 as we’d hit that this session. Finally Kraj turned up and we could get started.

Owning it

Spoilers: due to the DM giving Regulus an innocuous item (the Eyes of Minute Seeing) earlier in the campaign, this fight went a lot smoother than it may have done if they failed a few investigation checks on the ballista. Consequently I wont cover blow by blow and will just hit the highlights… well, actually it’s more like the lowlights because let’s face it, those are a lot funnier.

We rejoin the battle with three siege ogres remaining and the horde of goblins about three turns from reaching the walls. The siege ogres fire three spike-helmed goblins and The DM asks the players to roll to see who gets hit. Kraj promptly rolls a 1 and along with Joffrey and Abelas, takes 7 damage. Nice start to the night Karl!

Karl was of course roundly mocked for this (mostly by the DM) but in his own words was “Owning it like a bitch!”

The DM rolls to set the investigation check for repairing the ballista… and rolls a 1 <sigh>. Nice start to the night DM!

We get an old Drikk-ism for that (Drikk’s first wife was a monk):

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Karma is like my first wife: a mean, grudge-bearing bitch who runs really, really fast and she will catch up to you and she will make you pay”

Regulus> It’s loaded, should I shoot it?
Joffrey> Yeah! Shoot your load!
DM> <sigh>

Regulus successfully eliminates a siege ogre with Bertha:

DM> I used to be a siege ogre like you till I took a ballista bolt…
Regulus> … to the face!
DM> Who is going next then? Technically it is Abelas.
Abelas> Yeah, fuck it. I shall..
DM> STAB IT!!
Abelas> Um… I shall…
DM> STAB IT!!
Abelas> Er…I shall…
DM> STAB IT!!
Abelas> <sigh> … attempt to stab…
DM> YES!!!!
Abelas> … that goblin.
<general cheers>
Regulus> Sing that blade!

With a build up like that, nothing could possibly go wrong!

It immediately went wrong, obviously.

Abelas> <rolls> Er… twelve?
<disappointed groans>

These goblins have an AC of 14. It’s OK though, he has another attack!

<Abelas rolls a 3>
Abelas> <Expletive deleted>, <expletive deleted>, mother-<expletive deleted>ing, little <expletive deleted>er!
DM> <sigh> So less stabby-stabby and more wafty-wafty?
Abelas> We have resumed normal service!
Regulus> It’s like Zorro… but shit.

Waft, what a great word:

WAFT:
Possibly influenced by northern dialect waff “cause to move to and fro” (1510s), a variant of wave. Intransitive sense from 1560s. Related: Wafted; wafting.
Pass or cause to pass gently through the air.
“The smell of stale fat wafted out from the cafe”

This is why I will never be allowed to work on a dictionary; the “stale fat” part of that sentence would have been so much cooler and more descriptive with the small addition of an ‘a’ at the start and an ‘r’ at the end.

Wha cheethe ith thith bullsthith?!

It’s now Christina’s turn so obviously the conversation immediately turns to Jake’s haribo escapades, the fact that we will always think of the vegetarian Jake as vegan, the fact that Jake will always think of us as heathens and whether or not Joffrey got an inspiration last session.

Joffrey> Did I get an inspiration last session?
Abelas> <clearly with a mouthful of something> Wha cheethe ith thith bullsthith?!
Regulus> <with utter disdain> What could YOU have possibly gotten an inspiration for?
DM> <sigh> I’m just wondering how much longer you lot can prolong Christina’s turn for again?

The other heathens and the vegetarian then had the temerity to blame the DM’s monologuing for the delay! Outrageous!

Also, Joffrey did indeed get an inspiration last session for ‘attempted biblical epicness’ in trying to kill a giant using a sling at disadvantage.

For the record it was very hard to measure movement on the ramparts because the replacement map shifted those blocks up slightly for reasons only Tabletop Simulator knows, and the grid didn’t display on it. We all had issues with it but the following is still funny:

Elvira> I think I’ve moved as far as I can.
Regulus> These are five-foot squares you know…
Elvira> <suspiciously> Are they?
Regulus> I… <takes a deep breath> yes. I’m not going to be sarcastic. Look at me growing as a person!
Elvira> I’ve moved three…
Regulus> <gently> No… You’ve moved two…
Elvira> Oh…
Joffrey> Elvira’s like “Oh, I’m not as tired as I thought I was”
Elvira> I’ve had a coffee!
DM> I’m exactly as tired as I thought I was!
Regulus> You can move to… there… and still fire.
Elvira> OK
<Elvira moves her mini but instead of lifting clear, it gets dragged across the ramparts much to everyone’s amusement>
Elvira> <sigh> It was just normal coffee! <rolls attack> Twenty four?
<much laughter>
Celdar> Plus fucking ten?!
<Elvira rolls her second attack and misses! She just needed a four but rolled a three!>
Abelas> That’s how it fucking feels!

Panic-Snake Joffrey attempts to constrict a goblin, kills it with the initial hit but then decides to constrict it anyway “Squeezing it like a tube of toothpaste… staring the wizard in the eyes as I do it!”

Dude, eew!

Die Casual

More spike-helmed goblins were fired at the wall and the DM determined that one of them hit. The players need to roll off to see who was unlucky. Celdar has been hit every round since this fight started, will this be when he evades one?

Abelas> <rolls a four> Oh fucking…
Regulus> No, no, you’re alright, I rolled a three!
DM> Kraj can beat that, he’s a magnet for these things.
Celdar> I waited just to build up the tension…
<Celdar rolls a 1>
<Much laughter>
DM> That’s another seven hit points, how’s your health looking there Celdar?
Celdar> Er… four more than I need!
And that started everyone laughing again.

Despite not really wanting to, Abelas stabbed a goblin in the face! Peer pressure is a wonderful force for good.

5HP-Celdar has a goblin up in his grill (which can deal 4 damage) but deftly stabs it to death with a rapier before it can attack him.

At least that’s what he imagined was going to happen but instead he rolled a 3 on his attack and, to a background of sympathetic laughter, decided to disen-fucking-gage and get the fuck out of dodge before he was 1HP-Celdar.

Regulus was playing Clay for Matt and rolled two 20’s in a row. Sorry Matt!

Elvira brings a Bertha bolt back along the wall and stops to delete a couple of random goblins from the approaching horde:

<Elvira rolls a 10 giving her 20 To-Hit>
Abelas> <sigh> Yep, death.
<Elvira rolls an 18 giving her 28 To-Hit>
Abelas> OK, that’s just excessive!
DM> Halfway along the wall she just stabs the bolt into the ground, casually unlimbers the longbow, fires a couple of arrows without really looking, puts the longbow back on her shoulder, picks the bolt up and keeps walking while somewhere downrange a couple of goblins cease to exist.
Abelas> Full Legolas.
Elvira> And I do a hair flip!

The DM uses that opportunity to explain cloak billowing;

If you have a magic cloak equipped then, as a free action at the end of your turn, and if you have done something rather spectacular, you can choose to ‘billow’ your cape. As we progress through the campaign, everyone will acquire a magical cape. But be warned, billowing your cape unnecessarily will draw the wroth/wrath of the DM.

I’ve just looked it up and Wroth (adjective) and Wrath (noun) are actually different words and not just different spellings! Who knew?

Because fuck you Regulus!

DM> Joffrey?
Joffrey> I’m going to load up Bertha and I’m thinking about getting closer to the edge for when I can actually do something.
Regulus> I can’t believe as a spell caster you’re not considering maybe dropping your wild shape so you could Call Lightning.
Joffrey> I’m considering it…
Regulus> Good.
Joffrey> However there are things to consider…
DM> “I’m also considering all the hit points I’ll lose”
Joffrey> I’ll drop it when I’m ready to cast something but at the moment everything is out of range.
Regulus> <disdainfully> Sorry, I thought you turned into a snake, not a pussy.
<shocked laughter>

The DM awards Regulus a ‘shots fired!’ inspiration.

Joffrey> I still have my action so… I could constrict Regulus couldn’t I?
<more laughter>
Joffrey> Fuck it, I’m going to drop Panic Snake because fuck you Regulus!
DM> Constrict Bertha! You know you want to!
Abelas> It turns out the one way to take down Panic Snake is to call him a pussy.
DM> Human Joffrey reappears. You can’t tell which version smells worse.
Regulus> Only one of them looks like a white supremacist though.
Joffrey> Yeah, my hood’s right up now!
DM> Yeah, but everyone is a white supremacist these days.
Joffrey> With my sling, at disadvantage…
<slightly hysterical laughter starts>
Joffrey> I’m going to fuck up this guy because fuck you Regulus!

Joffrey rolls a 5 and an 11 and misses. He chooses to use his inspiration to re-roll the 5, gets a 17 and hits! Joffrey is ecstatic as some poor goblin out in the dark gets clobbered by a pebble he didn’t even see coming.

Regulus> <laughing> Well done!
Joffrey> <also laughing> Man, I just burned my wild shape for that!
DM> Wild shape and an inspiration!
Regulus> Totally worth it!

Fail Party

There’s one siege ogre remaining and that should die next turn so, theoretically, there’s only one incoming spiked goblin left.

Regulus> I will feel guilty if this goblin hits Joffrey though.
Joffrey> No you wont.

Fate → Tempted

The final goblin is flung at the wall from the last remaining siege ogre. 5HP-Celdar rolls a lowly 7. However, he still beats everyone except Regulus and remains with 4HP more than he needs.

Joffrey, having just dropped the wild shape that gives him an extra 60HP, rolls a magnificent 2 and does indeed get hit by the last goblin. It was difficult to tell if Regulus did feel guilty because of how much he was laughing.

To make matters worse, Regulus actually failed the investigation check:

Regulus> Just checking my investigation…
DM> Clay is squinting at it; “I think it’s broken”
Regulus> I’m going to spend an inspiration and re-roll one of them..
<Regulus rolls an even lower 5>
DM> You actually fail to determine what’s wrong with it. So… Kraj?
<Celdar also has a very high investigation ability… it’s actually about all he has>
Regulus> Kraj!
Celdar> Now is my moment of glory!
DM> Yes!
Regulus> Go on!
DM> Do your worst!
Regulus> <To Celdar> It’s fucked, it’s never going to work again!
DM> “I thought it was the big bit because Clay told me so! But it wasn’t the big bit at all!”
Celdar> Right… hold your breath!
Regulus> This is it!
Abelas> The moment we’ve all been waiting for!
<Kraj rolls an 18>
<Cheers ring out>
DM> Oh, he’s only fucking nailed it!

Celdar duly repairs Bertha and launches the bolt downrange where it skewers the final siege ogre.

Jake and Mike discussed remaining spell slots, dual hand-crossbows and the rules, whether the style factor of using dual hand-crossbows was worth having to pick them up again afterwards and whether it was worth Abelas using Fireball or a level 3 Magic Missile. At this point the DM dropped a giant clock onto the battlefield.

Regulus> I have a feeling a transformer is about to get involved in this!
Abelas> Soundwave!
Regulus> Yeah, it’s a Chinese knock-off version of Soundwave!
DM> I just wanted to see how long you lot were going to keep talking and not let Elvira have a go.
Jake> Oh… It’s happened again.

Great Balls of Fire

If the DM seems a little more lenient than normal going forwards it’s because this fight was actually already over. While there were still 34 goblins approaching, they had at least three turns before the bulk would get onto the battlements and the players had enough spellcasting resources left and ranged abilities to significantly thin them out before then.

Joffrey casts Sphere of Fire and has it ram into the middle goblin of a row of three, toasting him nicely. This leaves it sandwiched between the two other goblins.

Joffrey> If they remain there at the end of their turn they also have to make the save but I’m sure they are not going to end their turn there.
DM> Goblins turn. Those two pull out marshmallows and sticks and start toasting them in the Sphere of Fire. The rest advance…
<A pack of six goblins advance right up to the sphere as well>
DM> That was just for you Joffrey.

Five Dex saves are rolled and three survive, including the two ‘toasters’! Yay!

Some time back the DM promised the players a very bad dad joke was coming. Now was the time:

DM> Thran runs over to some crates and starts rummaging around. He lets out a surprised grunt and says “It’s still here!” while holding up two jars filled with an evil looking dark liquid. “This was penetrating oil supplied by our armourer Holly. It’s nasty stuff and when it goes off it tends to catch fire when exposed to air so they should explode quite nicely when thrown. You could say they are…. Holly’s hand grenades of anti-lock!”
<Unappreciative groans>

Holly’s Hand Grenade of Anti-Lock; Can be thrown up to 30ft as an action (40ft if sufficiently elevated). Explodes in a 5ft radius dealing 1d4 damage to anything caught in the blast.

Celdar’s lack of hit points and gender identity are mocked by a band of approaching goblins and to rub salt into the wound he rolled a 2 on his attack.

Random Abusive Goblin> She missed! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Celdar> I’m just going to bonus-action Hide and hide my shame.

Muted Porn Hub

A combination of Sphere of Fire, Magic Missiles, very effective Arcane Archery, somewhat less effective Battlemaster archery, hard hitting but somewhat wayward Rogue archery and Holly’s hand grenades of anti-lock finished off the horde before any of them managed to reach the top of the wall.

Dubious ‘highlights’:

– Joffrey reveals he has actually run out of spell slots when prodded by Regulus to cast Call Lighting.

– Regulus to Abelas> <ever so slightly condescendingly> Wow, look at you being effective!

– Goblins to Abelas> HAAAHAHAHA! ONLY FOURTEEN?!

– DM> Kraj, your mum says “Hi”

– Celdar casts a Silent Image of a prostitutey looking goblin and has it do a ‘provocative’ dance.

– The DM struggles to find a mini of a ‘prostitutey looking goblin’ and Joffrey suggests they base it on a picture of Abelas’s mum.

– Celdar rolls low on the performance check but the DM rules that what an elf finds provocative is probably the opposite of what a goblin does and lets it succeed in mesmerising one pack of goblins who miss their turn.

– Abelas manages to hit the image with a Magic Missile and the enraptured goblins disbelieve and are free again. Celdar resists the temptation to summon another image in the form of a penis on Abelas’s forehead and instead drops his goblin stripper in front of another goblin pack, successfully distracting them.

Aftermath, Quests and Loot

Most importantly, all players are now level 7! Congratulations everyone.

Having managed to keep the NPCs alive through four large fights without a rest, a variety of follow-on quests were received. Those will be covered next week as we will inevitably have to go over them again anyway.

Everyone heads back to the inn where there’s a huge party with drinks on the house. Regulus regrets not being able to get drunk but Thran offers him a glass of Holly’s anti-lock which does the trick nicely.

The next morning Joffrey awakes in giant snake form wrapped around Miros, who is very cuddly.

Celdar is found hugging the toilet.

Elvira is found asleep in Zlifferlas’s branches.

Zi Liang turns up and, despite being a monk, still looks like she’s having a really bad hangover. The abbot wants to see everyone. On the way out Miros hands each of them one of the enamelled mugs as a gift.

The abbot (also looking a bit worse for wear) thanks the party profusely and rewards them with 200g each. He also produces a cloth-wrapped bundle explaining: “We had a rather gregarious visitor at the inn a few weeks back, fellow was riding a horse with a flaming mane if you can believe it. Drank three casks of ale, ate nearly two whole roasted hogs and seduced three of the bar staff at once. Young Stephen has been walking around with a smile on his face ever since, whereas Abigail could barely walk at all for three days. Anyway, I digress, he left in something of a hurry the next morning and threw this at Miros as payment on the way out. We haven’t been able to open it so I gift it to you… <he hands it to Celdar> you look the sneaky type, you might be able to get into it.”

The wrapping is a Cloak of Elvenkind; Uncommon item. Perception checks against you are made with disadvantage and you have advantage on your Stealth checks.

The box is about 2ft long by 1ft wide and 8inches deep. It is made of a beautiful mahogany and has etched into the top “The Devil and The Debt”. It clicks open as soon as Celdar attempts to lift the lid.

On the top layer in moulded black velvet are a matched set of kukri knives, one with a slightly greenish bade and one with a tinge of red. In the compartment beneath is a black leather sheath rig for the knives. They can be worn belted or as an underarm shoulder-holster.

Full details in post-session guff.

End of session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Will Elvira miss anywhere near as much as she missed this session?
– Will the Bladesinger sing that blade some more?
– What cool new spells will the casters choose with their level 7 slots?
– What ~~lethal dangers~~ wonders await the party in the legendary city of Waterdeep?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

The Devil and The Debt – A matching set of magical blades that bear the ‘flaming stallion’ maker’s mark of the legendary smith Benjamin Ali Ismail Ibn Khalifa Said Bin Talal Hussein Al Quasimi and are thought to have been made as a gift to Drikk Fra-Kar on the occasion of his third divorce and to act as a reminder to the great man should he ever consider marriage again.

The Devil – A wickedly sharp looking kukri with a blood-red leather grip. The blade appears normal until in combat when it emits a very faint red smoke.

Awakened: Kukri +1 (counts as a rapier; 1d8 Psychic, Finesse)

May be Dual-Wielded with The Debt

This weapon deals Psychic damage.

While wielding The Devil, you can use it to cast the Dimension Door spell as an action. This property of the blade can’t be used again until the next dawn.

When you disappear, you leave behind a cloud of smoke, and you appear in a similar cloud of smoke at your destination. The smoke lightly obscures the space you left and the space you appear in, and it dissipates at the end of your next turn. A light or stronger wind disperses the smoke.

The Debt – A wickedly sharp looking kukri with a dark green leather grip. The blade appears normal until in combat when it emits a very faint green smoke.

Awakened: Kukri +1 (counts as a shortsword; 1d6 Acid, Finesse, Light)

Cannot be wielded unless The Devil is also wielded.

This weapon deals acid damage.

While The Debt is is on your person, you can use an action to speak its command word and regain one expended spell slot. If the expended slot was of 4th level or higher, the new slot is 3rd level. Once you use this ability it can’t be used again until the next dawn.