SKT Episode 19: The Day The Music Died

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – Gary’s rolls are always safe because I don’t eat meat.
Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Panic-Snake starts having a panic attack!
Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – It’ll take him way too long to get there!
Karl as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – I missed the fucking goblin alright?!
Matt as Clay the Battle Master – I love the ranged combat!
Mike as Regulus the Artificer – There’s only so many times I can mock Jake.

With:
Gary as the DM – I don’t think there’s a limit or anything…

Author’s Note:

Rythm Bot comes in for some flak this session but I have since found the problem. It’s a Spotify issue.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They were on the way to Goldenfields when they were side tracked by an ‘Adventurers Wanted’ poster from Beliard and located the Hill Giant stronghold of Grudd Haug. Then they arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins.

Pre-session Guff

Karl and Mike turned up on time, everyone else was late. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

We discussed finishing times:

Mike> I think it’s OK to finish early. It can get quite intensive. There’s only so many times I can mock Jake.
DM> I don’t think there is.
<laughter>
DM> I don’t think there’s a limit or anything…

This would, of course, have been a lot funnier if Jake had turned up on time and been present.

Matt, Christina and Jake turned up (eventually) with Jake blaming his lateness on cutting up pizza. The DM finds that excuse rather hard to criticise.

Jake> …and I will never apologise for food! And also, Adam’s not here so…
Mike> You’re not the latest.
Jake> Yeah, I’ll take being slightly better than Adam.
Mike> <laughing> Jake, you need to aim higher in life!
Jake> I don’t think I do! You just stay at the bottom rung in the secure knowledge that Adam is worse!
<laughter>
Karl> Is the forfeit for being last on that you get the first rock to the face?
DM> Ooh, there’s an idea.
Jake> I already offended Gary this week by forgetting to ask him if he wanted to go to the canteen.
DM> <scathingly> Yes, self canteen runs. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.
Matt> At least you didn’t go to the canteen and buy all the bacon rolls.
<Yes, and the legendary Seven Snakes bandit leader No’Baconne Beutay is still out there!>
Jake> The thing is, Gary’s rolls are always safe because I don’t eat meat.
<Jake laughs but otherwise there’s silence while everyone digests that particular line>
<There’s a slightly more embarrassed silence while the double entendre sinks into Jake’s brain>
Jake> I realise.. that.. that sentence… I should never say again!
<laughter>
Karl> I’m saying nothing!

<sigh>

I don’t really mind if you are late, the start is always a bit fluid and worst case we’ll just start without you. The DM won’t really let bad things happen to your character… er… that may not be strictly accurate but there shouldn’t be lasting damage. However, it’s funny to take the piss because of it so I’ll keep doing it.

We couldn’t find the Clay mini but the DM was relatively sure he had a copy of it. He was a lot more confident once he actually found it though.

Abbey Fight Round 1 – Celdar Runs Around to Abbey’s Backside

Two giants had just pitched up on the other side of the green. Roll initiative.

– Matt rolled a natural 20 for initiative!

– The DM managed to write down half character names and half player names on his initiative board for some reason which made the whole process a lot more complicated than it needed to be.

– Things being more complicated than they should have been quickly became the theme for the night.

– The two giants are walking across the green arguing about who is going to kill the most squishies.

DM> Clay?
Clay> I take up position protecting the rest of the party.
Joffrey> The hero we need!
<Matt moves the Clay mini forwards but it barely clears the playing surface and ends up being dragged up the side of a nearby building then down the other side and it scrapes along the ground into position>
Regulus> If not the hero we want.
DM> And certainly not the hero with his lift height set correctly… and yes Jake, these are ten-foot squares.
Clay> Oh.. er.. in that case I’m actually still back here then…
DM> <sigh>
<Matt repeats the over-the-building-drag while everyone has a good laugh>

– Clay longbows a giant twice and missed twice, rolling a 5 and a 2, which set everyone off.

Clay> <sigh> Normal service has been resumed!

– Joffrey noted Abelas was already facing the wrong way. The Wizard replied, noting he had already spotted some nearby cover and he was damn well going to use it.

– Joffrey sadly declined to Tidal Wave the giants (even for the lols) and instead placed a Spike Growth and then changed his mind and cast Call Lightning instead because he just likes to make the DM measure things.

– Melee-Regulus shoots Lobb with his pistol and hits! The 9 damage from that one attack exceeded everything Mike accomplished for the entire last session (Matt is back now though).

– The Artificer then moves Giant Badger and Giant Badge forwards:

DM> Lobb winks at Ogg and says “Look! Small badge each! I like small badge!”
Mike> I do hope he’s saying ‘badge’
<laughter>
DM> <in an offended tone> Why? What did you think he was saying?! OH, MIND IN THE SEWER!

Look, it’s childish but its funny so that makes it OK.

– Abelas takes cover behind the corner of a building and preps a Firebolt.

Elvira asked which giant was most damaged. The DM pointed out that while it was Ogg, the hit points he had lost were not much compared to the maximum of a Hill Giant. This caused some nervousness but the DM reiterated the issues boss-type creatures face in the 5^th edition action economy; the players can put out a fuck-ton (imperial, not metric) of damage over the course of a single turn and small numbers of big creatures do not tend to fare well without legendary actions and resistances, none of which these giants have.

What they do have, however, are big rocks they can throw really far for rather a lot of damage.

– Mike rather inconveniently pointed out that the DM had forgotten the NPCs <sigh> so we had to sort that out. Zlifferlas declined to charge the giants “No, it’ll take him way too long to get there!” was Christina’s accurate reasoning.

– Elvira rolled a 4 and that still hit the AC13 Giant. Jake enquired how Matt felt about that; he sighed heavily. Ogg sported an arrow in each man-boob for a hefty chunk of damage.

DM> Giant’s turn. That was Ogg wasn’t it? Who shot Lobb?
Regulus> <somewhat reluctantly> That was me…
DM> Yeah… Lobb picks up this bench… and throws it at you!
<sympathetic laughter>
Regulus> Can’t fault him for that.
<The DM counts some squares and realises that Lobb is at disadvantage range>
DM> Erm.. OK so he’s actually going to move forwards 40 feet and then throw it. It’s still too far but there is a bench heading your way.
<Or is there?! Lobb had wandered over the line the DM put down for Abelas’s prepped attack>
Abelas> I Firebolt!
DM> … Yeah!
Abelas> Yay!
DM> I’ll retract the bench then to see if you do more damage than Regulus did.
Abelas> Aaaw noooo…
<Loud and distinctly unsympathetic laughter>

I think the actual D&D rules say you can decline to use the prepped attack but we have it as the DM’s discretion because for incidents like this it is much, much funnier than the ‘official’ rules, right? Right.

– Abelas rolls a 1 which results in a lot more laughter and Clay wearing a 2HP Firebolt to the back of the head.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “There are certain unwritten rules to combat Buttercup; friendly fire isn’t, suppressive fire won’t be and if it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.”

– Lobb’s bench attack is made at +8 To-Hit but is at disadvantage due to the range and it sadly missed the warforged artificer.

– Celdar attempts to ~~cower~~ take cover in Abbey’s backside and penetrates with a crit! Messy.

Abbey Fight Round 2 – Abbey Takes Flight

– Clay lands one longbow attack but misses the follow up. Strength fighters really love long range fights.

– Joffrey snake-jazzes forwards and drops more lightning on Ogg but he made the save and only takes half damage; “IT TICKLES!”

– Melee-Regulus lands another ranged hit! He’s on a roll now!

– Abelas creeps out from behind the barn and lands a Firebolt crit on Ogg for 26 damage.

– Ogg is looking a bit ropey, relatively speaking. Elvira shoots him again and after a bit of a mix up with a 6 and a 9 hit the giant for another 14 damage. Ogg sits down and starts crying.

Mike> You bitch Christina!
Abelas> How cruel!
DM> Lobb moves over and smashes a chunk out of the fountain.
Joffrey> Uh-oh…
Abelas> Oh dear…
Joffrey> Panic-Snake starts having a panic attack!

– It was ascertained that Regulus was the only one who hit Lobb and thus is on the receiving end of a boulder:

DM> Who did that chunk of damage to Lobb?
DM> Ok, in that case, at +8 To-Hit…
<The DM rolls a natural 20. This is not good and this is really going to hurt>
Regulus> It was me.
<The DM invokes the name of a heathen deity>
Abelas> RIP!
DM> <genuinely> Sorry Mike…
Regulus> That’s how the rolls go.
Joffrey> It was a good few weeks you had!
DM> <wincing slightly as he does the maths> That’s forty two bludgeoning damage.
<Joffrey invokes the name of a heathen deity>
Abelas> That’s ten more hit points than I have!
Regulus> I’m still up!
<Relieved and slightly hysterical laughter>

The DM does not tend to keep track of the players hit points as that can lead to some biased decision making so it was a relief to find out Regulus wasn’t already low on HP as that kind of hit could have killed him.

Regulus> I wouldn’t mind if everyone started targeting this one now…
Joffrey> Nah, we’ve nearly killed the other one.
Abelas> Yeah, you’re tanking it fine!
DM> Lobb attempts to inspire Ogg to keep fighting by shouting some abusive stuff at him and then attempts a performance check… with a Charisma of minus two… which still makes him more likeable than the rogue!
<Lobb rolls another natural 20, much laughter ensues>
DM> Ogg stops crying and stands back up again! “I SMASH PUNIES!”

– It was then determined that actually the gimpy wizard and the rogue were exactly as charismatic as the stupid, smelly, evil hill giant.

– Gunnery Chief Thran (a dex fighter) shortbows Ogg twice and kills him.

– Celdar, still ~~cowering~~ taking cover in Abbey’s backside decides to move. Due to some model overhang issues the DM has previously locked the Celdar mini in place and attempted to unlock it. Much to everyone else’s amusement, we got this:

Adam> <inaudible gibberish>
DM> Have you got your microphone under your chin again?
Adam> <slightly louder> No, I’ve had to put my headphones in so I can move about the kitchen.
<The DM starts layering boulders on top of Panic-Snake>
Adam> I can still see my screen though!
DM> <rapidly removing the boulders> Nothing to see here!
Matt> Don’t you mean ‘screens’ Adam?
<laughter>

– Celdar finally manages to emerge from Abbey’s backside and sneak attacks Lobb for 17 damage.

DM> Okeedokee… that’s a big old chunk.
Regulus> That’s very rude to Lobb!
DM> It’s pretty accurate though!

Abbey Fight Round 3 – Badger Snacks

DM> Top of the round… Clay.
Clay> <sigh> Back to the longbow. I love the ranged combat!
Regulus> Me too <sigh>. Gary, can we take it as read that I’m going to repec?
DM> Do you need to rest to that?
Regulus> Yes
DM> <distinctly unsympathetically> That’s a shame.

– Clay hits Lobb twice! It wasn’t a lot of damage but Lobb was starting to look a lot like a pin cushion.

– Joffrey Called Lightning, Regulus did some emergency healing.

– Giant Badge does a bite attack that crits! He bites off Lobb’s big toe!

– The DM mocks the party for not bringing a cleric. The party mocks Chris for bringing a cleric but the running off to do another D&D campaign and to procreate. We don’t think we need to say any more bout that.

– The DM messed up the initiative yet again <sigh>

– Elvira critted on one of her attacks and, after managing to roll a d12 (and getting 12) instead of a d8, managed to roll an 8 on the d8.

DM> That’s er.. 34 damage!
Mike> See Matt, you should have played a Fighter!
<laughter>
Matt> BOOOO!

– Lobb is bereft of his greatclub having dropped it to climb the wall and so is ‘only’ punching at +8 for 12 damage instead of their usual 18 damage. So that’s a relief, right? Right.

– Lobb punches Giant Badge and hits him! Oh noes, is this looks like curtains for the oversized Mustelidae but he manages to survive on one hit point!

– Celdar snipes Lobb from a cheesy bonus-action-hide manoov.. maneouo… ‘move’ and kills the lumbering idiot.

As combat ends, Regulus drinks the biggest healing potion he can lay his hands on.

Thran explains that the remaining enemy forces are mustered outside the east wall but none of the other watch posts are aware of this yet. The party agree to head off to defend the wall while the NPCs head off to warn the rest of the stronghold.

First, we lost the map

Earlier that day the DM had spent rather a long time fine tuning this map but TTS decided it was not going to load it. Some days I really hate computers <sigh>.

Thankfully the base map was saved in the DM’s workshop and so a quick import got us up and running but it took about ten minutes to get all the necessary stuff back on it.

The players are on a section of the wall approximately 200ft long and 30ft wide with a lightly damaged ballista (Bertha) in the centre of it. Scattered around are several bolts for Bertha and a few supply boxes.

Outside the wall, 300ft away are 6 large Siege Ogres wearing strange contraptions mounted on their shoulders. Each siege ogre is surrounded by a small pool of goblins that appear to be wearing spiked helmets.

In front of the ogres is a small army of around forty goblins.

The access ladders to the wall are smashed and so the players have to use grappling hooks and ropes to get up there, except for Regulus who uses his utility belt to majestically ascend much like batman in the old 70’s TV series

Epic

Thran points out that the siege ogres are heavily armoured and normal weapons are unlikely to do much damage. Bertha, however, should kill one with a single shot.

Jake starts wibbling on about some Warhammer fantasy bollocks but the DM is not interested in Warhammer unless it has plasma cannons and chain swords in it. Mike is not interested in Warhammer unless it has ‘The’ Emperor in it and rightly calls Jake a heretic.

You turn away from the path of righteousness and you abandon the Emperor as the object of your devotion. For the first, death is merely a just retribution. The second is a heresy so terrible that no punishment can be sufficient. Yet the search for an appropriate penalty continues, and it shall be found.
Ecclesiarch Issus XLVII

The ogres let out mighty war cries and all fire the strange contraptions at once! Spike-helmed goblins are flung high into the night sky towards the wall. Roll initiative!

Initiative for this combat will be done a little differently. At the start of each round the ogres will fire. The players will act next in whatever order they deem fit but we rolled initiative to act as a rough guide. If there are any disagreements, initiative order prevails.

Finally the goblins will act. We are using minion rules on this fight so they have 1HP each and no bonuses or penalties to any stat. If they make a save for half damage they take no damage.

These goblin are the weakest of the tribe and they are being used purely as cannon fodder and have pretty shonky weapons and armour.

DM> Regulus, you can see Bertha is in bad shape but you think you can fudge a temporary repair. Although you also reckon you’ll need to fix it each time you fire it.

These are the steps to firing the ballista:

1. Loading – A bolt must be in place before it can be fired (duh). Bertha is already loaded at the start of combat.

2. Investigation – The damage to the firing mechanism must be ascertained with an investigation check. Anyone proficient in investigation can make the check or assist with the check. Multiple players can make the check in the same round. The difficulty of the check will be set by a D20 roll.

3. If Regulus, because he is the artificer, attempts to repair Bertha using his action and a set of smith’s tools, he will automatically succeed. Anyone else can attempt the repair it but they will need to make check against a fairly high difficulty.

4. Once repaired, Bertha can be fired with an object interaction at a target of choice as long as it is at least 50ft away downrange of the wall. It will automatically hit and kill whatever target was selected.

Loading – Bertha’s bolts are large, heavy spears. A character can pick up a bolt with an object interaction. Dropping the bolt into place does not use any action, it’s free. While holding a bolt, a character may make a melee weapon attack with it (1d12 piercing) at disadvantage unless they have a Strength of at least 12.

This fight requires a balance between clearing goblins off the wall and keeping Bertha firing. Get the balance wrong and the goblin numbers can start to pile up. The DM did however, forget that Regulus has the magic item Eyes of Minute Seeing which grant him advantage on investigation checks and that should prevent a couple of siege ogre rounds over the course of the fight.

Then, we lost the music

The book is pretty vague about most of the Goldenfields fights and even ~~vaguier~~.. ~~vaguer~~… ‘more vague’ when it comes to this one so the DM has spent more time than usual in setting this whole thing up, only to be partly buggered by TTS refusing to load the map.

Part of the setup was to choose suitable music. The DM wanted something tribal and war-drummy and thus listened to a lot of crappy music before finding the soundtrack to For Honor and bastardising the best bits of it into a suitable order. It was great. Prior to the session the DM queued up the playlist in Discord and paused it, all ready to go at the start of the siege combat.

Well, that was the plan. The first inkling that there may be issues was the fact that the playlist started randomly playing when Kraj joined Discord (so it’s probably all his fault) but when the siege started, so did the music. So far so good.

Six spike-helmed goblins fired by the siege ogres landed on the wall, 3 of them hit targets and the DM had everyone roll a straight D20 to see who was unlucky. Clay, Elvira and Regulus were struck for 7 damage each.

At this point Adam’s microphone started cutting out and then Rythm Bot, which plays the music in Discord, decided that after playing the correct first track in the playlist it would then go and play some random podcast <sigh>.

Siege Round 1 – The World Goes Mad

– Regulus fixed Bertha and lobbed a large bolt unerringly towards one of the siege ogres, killed it and went on to skewer two more goblins behind it.

– The DM’s description of the resulting ‘goblin kebab’ raised a much bigger laugh than he thought it warranted but I’ll take it.

– Celdar stabbed at a goblin and rolled 11 to hit against an AC12 enemy. Ooh, tough luck there mate.

– We had to reiterate the rogue advantage/sneak attack issue for Karl. That’s OK, we have gotten quite good at it now as we have all got it wrong so very many times before.

Regulus> That doesn’t apply if you are an assassin, are you an assassin?
Cledar> Nope.
Regulus> <sounding as if Karl had disappointed him on a deep, personal level> Ah… then… then.. <sigh> forget that.
Celdar> I’m just clutching at straws, I missed the fucking goblin alright?!
Regulus> Just trying to help. First attack you could assassinate and get advantage but no, no you had to choose the wrong class. You should think about that the next time you roll your first character!

– Karl blamed his character deficiencies on ‘wanky rolls’ and to show just how wanky those rolls really were, the other players were actually genuinely sympathetic. I know, right?

– Karl took great delight in pointing out that the podcast had started playing again in Rythm Bot <sigh>

– Five minutes of fucking about with Rythm Bot failed to fix the issue. Adam attempted to get it working again while the DM attempted to get the combat session working again.

– Renewed podcast sounds were met with renewed mirth and we all had a minor hysterical breakdown at just how staggeringly uncooperative Discord, Rythm Bot and Spotify were being.

– Abelas, the non-blade swinging Bladesinger, stabs a goblin with his rapier! He hits it too! As it’s a minion… HE KILLED IT! HE KILLED IT WITH A BLADE! HE RUNS OVER AND STABS AND KILLS ANOTHER! THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD!!!!

– Clay attempts to throw a goblin off the wall, doesn’t quite make it on the first attack but successfully send the hapless creature tumbling to the battlefield below on the second attack where it expires.

– Elvira eradicates another goblin, Joffrey picks up a Bertha Bolt and moves it to the ballista.

The goblin army advances.

Siege Round 2 – Back to Normal… Kind Of

– Five spiked goblins land on the ramparts, Celdar takes a randomly assigned goblin to the face for 7 damage.

– The podcast still insists on playing.

– Panic-Snake drops the bolt into place and then attempts, and fails, to bite the face off a nearby goblin. This reminds the DM of the Last Great Act of Defiance cartoon:

– Things were getting complicated on the wall and the players spent some time coming up with a coherent, practical, workable plan. I know, right?!

DM> <slightly muffled from a face full of Pringles> Abblashh?
Abelas> I… will… level 1 Magic Missile…
DM> OH YOU GOD-DAMN PANSY! STAB IT!
<laughter>
Abelas> No! I got away with it once…
DM> You just started bladesinging for the first time EVER! You were SPECTACULARLY successful with it…
<loud laughter>
Regulus> Nice!
DM> …and now you have pansied out!
Abelas> <laughing> It is plus fucking four and I am NOT missing to a goblin!

<sigh> There are 40 goblins advancing on the wall. A level 1 Magic Missile will eliminate 7.5% of them, which is not too shabby and that percentage is only going to go up as the horde gets whittled down. Stabbing a goblin on the wall does not cost a spell slot.

– War Drums music starts playing. Yay!

– Clay grabs a Bertha bolt and runs it over to the siege engine… eventually. Matt was struggling to move the bolt drawing a comment from Mike of “You make the wizard look dextrous!” Ouch.

– The fucking podcast starts playing. Boo!

– On the way to Bertha, Clay uses the bolt to stab two goblins, both of which are now skewered on the end of it.

– Elvira casually eliminates two barely visible goblins half a mile down range and then moves over to a bolt at the end of the ramparts.

– Celdar starts his turn adjacent to both Bertha and a goblin:

DM> Celdar? STAB HIM! Roll your eyes at that fucking ‘blade’ singer over there and show him how to use a rapier!
Celdar> <sigh> Eyes rolled.
<Celdar starts a dice roll>
DM> Nothing can go wrong!
<It immediately went wrong, obviously>
<Celdar rolls a 4>
<Laughter, particularly from Jake>
DM> <sigh>
Celdar> Right, I’m going to run past him to pick up a bolt, which is what I meant to do the whole time.
DM> <Thinking “Hah! He forgot to disengage; attack of opportunity!”>
Regulus> Bonus action disengage?
DM> Ah.. you… Fuck you Mike!
<laughter>

The goblin army advances.

Siege Round 3 – Effective Cheese

– Music is being played but it aint the music that should be being played <sigh>

– Four goblins are fired at the wall and Celdar fails the roll. He attempts some rogue cheese to try and avoid it but DM cheese is much stronger (“It’s a siege weapon, you armour doesn’t work against it”) and he gets hit for 7 damage.

– The bolt with the two goblins skewered on it is loaded onto Bertha.

– Regulus passes the investigation check with a mere 25 and uses Bertha to eliminate yet another siege ogre, we are down to three now. This shot results in a kebab of the two goblins already on it, the ogre and two unfortunate goblins standing behind it.

– Celdar attempts to stab a goblin in the face, he needs 14 and he rolls 14. Fucky lucker, but a kill is a kill (even if it is a cheap, lucky one).

– Celdar then runs along the wall, picks up a bolt, attempts to cheese a Misty Step back to Bertha with his bonus action and is challenged by the DM who tries really hard to come up with a reason not to do it but can’t <sigh>. This results in a rather efficacious turn by the rogue. He’ll learn.

– Abelas loads Bertha and then Firebolts a goblin but misses.

– Clay cuts a goblin in half but then rolls a 1 for his second attack. Vodka shot time!

– The players realise they’ll have one bolt left over but are rightly worried about the advancing army and ponder using Bertha against it. The DM suggests sending Abelas downrange, through the army, to collect the previously-shot bolts. This idea was greeted with enthusiasm by everyone but Abelas.

– Elvira eliminates a wall-goblin but takes two shots to do it much to everyone’s amazement.

– Joffrey gets another bolt to the ballista.

The goblin army advances (and spreads out).

End of session.

DM> That is where we are going to end it.
Mike> Good session Gary.
DM> Yes, interesting for all the wrong reasons!
Matt> MVP to the Rythm Bot!
<laughter>

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

– Can the DM unbugger Rythm Bot?
– Will the ‘blade’ singer do any actual bladesinging next week?
– How are the players going to deal with the oncoming horde?
– When are the players going to start dealing with the oncoming horde?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

The DM entered the !stop command in Rythm Bot. It stopped… And then it started again all by itself! IT’S POSSESSED!

The DM explained that when he tested this scenario earlier, he used normal goblins for the ones with spike helmets and this resulted in a total party wipe, hence the downgrade to minions and the addition of Thran to the team for a bit of added backup.