SKT Episode 18: Regulus’s Day Off

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Introducing:
• Karl as Celdar the Arcane Trickster – I am however, a particularly investigative rogue!

• With:
• Gary as the DM – Oh ffs…

Author’s Note:

This is a two-session write-up as the first session was mostly covering the end of the Karl one-shot (that turned into a three-and-a-bit shot) and a review of the campaign so far since we have been away from it for three months since the DM decided not to run the game while he had the Covid using some pathetic excuse about not being able to get upstairs to the D&D computer for two months. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Karl/Kraj joins us for the first time in the main campaign and so this would be a good time to remind everyone that these reviews are only more-or-less, roughly, approximately what happened. Players actions (and often the DM’s!) will be exaggerated, misreported, and be taken entirely out of context because it’s funny.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They were on the way to Goldenfields when they were side tracked by an ‘Adventurers Wanted’ poster from Beliard and located the Hill Giant stronghold of Grudd Haug. Then they arrived at Goldenfields to find it under attack by Ogres, Bugbears and Goblins.

Pre-session Guff

Jake joined just as the detective forgot what level we are in the campaign <sigh>

• Jake> Hello!
• <chorus of friendly greetings>
• Mike> What level are we in this campaign?
• DM> <sigh>
• Adam> Er… pretty sure YOU are level 1..
• Mike> <fake laugh> … … still pretty sure I’d beat Jake’s character..
• <shocked and outraged sounds>
• DM> <laughing> That didn’t take long to get going did it?
• Jake> <invoking a heathen deity> I barely said anything yet!

Yes, welcome back everyone, it’s good to be going again 🙂

Adam found the secret Wizard on D&D Beyond. This understandably derailed everything for a few minutes.

We finally got going with the DM forgetting even the name of the adventure but blamed his entire lack of prep on Karl who whinged at consulted with the DM about character creation for an hour before the game started.

Interrogation

We ended the last session three months ago with the capture of a bugbear who was knocked out and manacled at the end of the fight outside the inn. We rejoin our party of brave, if somewhat dysfunctional, adventurers as we begin the interrogation… kind of.

Just as we got going again, we had to stop everything while Jake imported the 3D model of his mini. He was subjected to a fairly wide array of abuse for this, obviously. Once it was revealed that Jake paid £8 for the model, it was generally agreed that getting Abelas killed was now a priority for everyone.

As this barrage of abuse eased down Joffrey noticed the cat mini lurking by the inn. The DM has seeded a number of domesticated animals about the map for flavour.

• Joffrey> What the fuck is this cat?
• Abelas> It’s just a cat.
• Joffrey> I don’t trust it!
• Abelas> Is that because it isn’t showing you its dick?
• <Surprised guffaw from Karl>

At the time the DM was busy setting up the table so he missed this one and now has to explain the whole ‘Adam massaging Marty’s dick’ thing to Karl at some point as he probably has no idea wtf that meant. That’s going to be a fun conversation <sigh>

• DM> Kraj, what’s your character name?
• Karl> Celdar.
• Jake and Adam (at exactly the same time)> ZELDA?!
• DM> Oh ffs…

Miros vanishes inside the inn and reappears with a shady looking character in tow “This is master Celdar, he’s been staying here for a few days and may be of use to us”.

Celdar is an elven rogue. He managed to roll seriously badly for his stats so he’s a bit fucked, particularly in Charisma and Strength.

Celdar> I am however, a particularly investigative rogue!

Oh Karl mate, you will learn that making statements like that are rather ill advised as you will discover every single time you fail an investigation check for the rest of this campaign.

• DM> You are now the proud owners of an unconscious, manacled bugbear. Elvira, would you like to shoot the prisoner?
• Elvira> <Eagerly> Yeah!
• <groans and objections>
• Elvira> <Disappointedly> No 🙁
• Joffrey> Why did we capture him again?
• Abelas> I don’t know..
• Joffrey> Was it because we bought manacles and felt we had to use them?
• Abelas> Most likely!
• Regulus> That does sound like us, to be fair.
• DM> <With a deep sigh and ever so slightly sarcastically> Because just maybe it might be useful to find out why bugbears and goblins and ogres are inside Goldenfields at night?
• Regulus> Yes, but that doesn’t sound like something WE would ask, does it?!

He has a point <sigh>

I’m not going to go into the sordid details of the interrogation because I don’t have the fortitude to commit that to text. Highlights:

• – Abelas/Jake once again failed to understand how Wizard spells work.
• – The bugbear wants a deal because “we’re all professionals here”. He has no idea.
• – Threats were made, they were ineffective
• – Karl attempted to get the interrogation on track by actually asking a non-stupid question (don’t worry dear reader, both Mike and Sophie started out like that, it won’t last).
• – Abelas/Jake attempts to cast a spell without actually having it in his spellbook.
• – Having discovered they had no magical means to detect lies, the DM dropped an amazingly subtle hint about the other way of detecting if someone is telling porkies.
• – Regulus makes a spectacularly crap attempt at an insight check <sigh>

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: “Generally speaking Buttercup, you should go into an interrogation with some idea of what information you want out of it. If you are a low-down sneaky dishonest type, you could try deception but typically you’ll want to rely on either the carrot or the stick. The carrot is usually more effective if you are sincere about it as the victim needs to think they have something to gain. The stick is a lot more effective if you heat it up first… and possibly wrap it in barbed wire”

Eventually a deal was struck and the bugbear related the following tale of two giants.

The Misadventures of Lob and Ogg

Guh, the self-styled chief of the hill giants, has driven off her female rivals and conquered their husbands. Now, she tasks her mates with collecting food for her voracious appetite. Two of these big dummies, Lob and Ogg, wandered the hills and valleys south of Grudd Haug, the den of Guh’s tribe. They eventually blundered into the Forlorn Hills and, a few weeks ago, stumbled upon a gang of bugbears and goblins.

The goblinoids told Lob and Ogg about a large farm on the far side of the Dessarin River. It occurred to the hill giants that they should attack it. So, the giants waded across the river and hurled rocks at Goldenfields, pounding its outer wall and alarming its residents. Archers on the wall retaliated with a barrage of arrows. The giants and goblinoids withdrew to nurse their wounds.

Lob and Ogg spent the next month lost in the hills, trying to find their way back to Grudd Haug. When they got there, they told Guh about the “big farm.” Guh dispatched a horde of hill giants, ogres, bugbears, and goblins to pillage it.

With Lob and Ogg leading the way, the horde got lost in the hills and blundered into a copper dragon’s territory. Many giants, ogres, bugbears, and goblins died that day. The survivors fled, only to stumble into an Uthgardt barbarian ambush. At that point, it became clear to those who remained alive that Lob and Ogg were poor guides and detrimental to the success of the mission. The bugbears took over from there, leading the remnants of the horde to Goldenfields, with Lob and Ogg bringing up the rear and blaming one another for their misadventures.

Having eventually arrived at Goldenfields with a much reduced force, all of the bugbears, about half of the ogres and about a third of the goblins climbed over the walls* at night to raid the food supplies.

*BIG FUCKING CLUE!!! Pay attention to it!

There were three bands;

• – The Eye Stabbers who attacked the inn after being spotted.
• – The Moon Biters who were supposed to go after the livestock.
• – The Hill Howlers who were supposed to guard the way back but appeared to get lost in the wheat fields as they were supposed to head east but were last seen going west.

• Regulus> I assume the giants remained outside?
• DM> Yes, this was a supposed to be a stealth raid and giants climbing the walls would not be stealthy. There is still a large force of ogres and goblins still outside the walls on the east side** and there were three bands of raiders inside, now there are only two.
• Regulus> Can he show us exactly where they got in?
• DM> He describes the section of wall <middle of the east side>
• Regulus> What I’m thinking guys, is we let him go and he shows us where they got in?
• DM> As you start to discuss this a breathless acolyte comes running down the road shouting that the animal pens are under attack.
• Bugbear> Yeah, that’ll be the Moon Biters, they’re a right bunch of dicks. You can kill them!
• Regulus> I find most people with an interest in moons are!
• <admirational laughter***>
• Abelas> Fucking hell!
• DM> Shots fired!
• Joffrey> Selune will have her vengeance!

Thankfully it was then decided to go to the animal pens and take care of the Moon Biters.

**STILL A REALLY BIG FUCKING CLUE!!! Still pay attention to it!

***Admirational is not a word apparently, but it damn well should be and I can’t be arsed to change it to ‘admiring’ which is clearly grammatically, informationally and stylistically inferior and has a lot less letters ‘n stuff!

The Animal Pens

While the DM was setting up, Jake and Mike had a proper nerdy discussion about Warhammer to which the DM had to point out The Two Truths of Warhammer: A) If it aint got plasma cannons, it aint proper Warhammer, B) Swords, even magical ones, are significantly inferior to chain swords! Word.

Anyway, night time fight, black as fuck, darkvision typically only goes 60ft so they follow the sounds until they are relatively close to the animal pens:

This raiding party was the same makeup as the first; two ogres, four bugbears, ten goblins. The two ogres are standing guard outside the pen. The bugbears and the goblins are trying to capture a variety of panicked animals in the dark. That’s going about as well as you would expect. Roll initiative!

The initiative for this was hideously complicated took forever to set up and then Table Top Simulator booted everyone out and we had to do it all again. Yay.

As everyone logged back in again and the DM set the board up, again, the discussion turned to Valheim (it’s a PC game). I can’t replicate the comedic timing of the following in text but I need to try:

• Mike> If you don’t like grinding, it’s not a game… well it’s more collecting than grinding.
• Jake> You definitely need to specify that because I bet Adam got interested for a second there.
• Adam> <really quietly> I do enjoy a bit of grinder!
• DM> Have you got your microphone on top of your head again?
• Adam> <really quietly> Me?
• DM> Yeah.
• <slight pause>
• Adam> <normal volume> No…
• <much laughter>
• Adam> To be fair it was under my chin!

<sigh>

Combat Round 1

• – Abelas Lightning Bolts the ogres who have to make a DC 14 Dex save because he is, and I quote the man himself, “a mighty, mighty Wizaaard!”
• – The DM rolled a pair of D4s for the save by mistake. Mike made a snarky comment about how they would probably still pass it.
• – Joffrey, in his own words, drops a big-ass thunder… cloud.
• – Some efforts were made to spare the cattle in the pen. Celdar: “No animals were harmed in the casting of this spell”. While this is true it was way more by accident than by design.
• – Celdar casts an illusionary box in front of him and then takes cover behind it. Abelas wonders “What the fuck is this cheese?!”
• – The DM had to fight all of his instincts and ruled Celdar was actually hidden because of the night-time conditions and the range from the goblins. I feel vaguely dirty now.
• – Elvira fires a Grasping Arrow at an ogre and hits for quite a lot and entangles it.
• – Lifferlas advanced with alacrity… relatively speaking. Christina> Yeah, fuck it, CHARGE! Jake heartily agreed.
• – Mike dropped a cow related dad-joke and Karl suggested we ‘mooove on’ <sigh>
• – An ogre struck Lifferlas with it’s great-club, basically hitting a tree with a tree.
• – Regulus turned out to have brought a melee spec to a ranged fight (again).
• – The DM forgot the ‘grasping dib-dobs’ Elvira cast on the ogre and had to go back and add it. Finger ↔ Pulse.

Combat Round 2

– Abelas drops a Shatter, which Mike confirmed was only a DC14 save, on several goblins but only did 5 damage. It also damaged a section of the fence.

• Abelas> And then I run away!
• Joffrey> No one saw that coming!
• Abelas> Look, my entire thing is running away so fuckyoo!

• – Miros bear-hugs an ogre… well more like an ogre leg.
• – Cledar longbows and kills one of the ogres. It’s fairly short range so the shaft goes right through the ogre and end up stuck in Lifferlas, who was distinctly unimpressed.
• – Elvira missed both her shots (I know, right?!).
• – Lifferlas also missed his first attack but his second hit and absolutely demolished the last ogre. A bugbear and two goblins, seeing the ogre get squashed by the giant tree, turned around and legged it.
• – Regulus once again lamented bringing a knife to a gun fight… well a lightning fist to an archery party I suppose, and pokeballed out a giant badger that was subsequently named ‘Giant Badge’ thanks to Joffrey.

End of session 1!

Start of session 2!

Pre-Session Guff 2

The DM discovered the medieval version of the Mandalorian theme and stuck it on loop. That’s that stuck in everyone’s head for the rest of the night then.

Adam decided he was simply too busy to turn up to D&D on time. I don’t think I need to say any more about that,

The DM’s return to work was discussed and somehow this led to the discussion of cellulitis and it seems some people had not seen the pictures of the DM’s leg rotting off several years ago. That was swiftly rectified, much to everyone’s disgust.

Those pictures have now been deleted from the Rythm Bot channel so it’s safe for Jake to visit again.

Christina couldn’t make it because apparently having to deal with bad people early in the morning is more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that. The DM will be playing Elvira tonight as the players each have an NPC to control already.

Matt couldn’t make it because his dog ate his Internet. I don’t think I need to say any more about that either.

Animal Pens: Combat Round 3

• – One of the bugbears has a pink circle around it. Only the DM can put pink circles around things and yet the DM has no idea why this particular bugbear is so obviously pinkly encircled. A week can be a long time and none of the players were much use either <sigh>.
• – The DM took one for the team and offered to play the druid until Adam could be bothered to turn up.
• – There are a bunch of clustered goblins in the pen, a pair of bugbears just south of the pen and a trio of two goblins and a bugbear fleeing north of the pen.
• – Abelas used a Shatter on the goblins that had clustered at the southern end of the cattle pen and also catches one of the nearby bugbears.
• -Unfortunately, we then had this:

• Abelas> On that square right there.
• DM> Shatter is a ten foot radius?
• Abelas> Yes, it’s a ten foot radius… er… wait, are they ten foot squares?
• DM> … <sigh>
• <mocking laughter>
• <The DM eyes up the map with a weary eye, noting the numerous squares with multiple creatures in them, then resignedly and remarkably calmly replies>
• DM> Yes.. yes, they are indeed ten foot squares.
• Abelas> SORRY!

• – Shatter is a Con save and the DM pointed out out bugbears are remarkably ‘constrous’… plus seven I believe.
• – We then had to explain the origin of that to Karl and it wasn’t as funny as it could have been because Adam wasn’t there to be abused over it.
• – DM-Joffrey drops a Call Lightning on the fleeing trio and kills both goblins. The bugbear wasn’t looking too healthy either.
• – There was a Lifferlas/Zifferlas incident due to an unfortunate mini misnaming.
• – Celdar sneak attacks the fleeing bugbear and, in technical combat archery parlance, longbows the living shit out it for 18 damage. It had one hit point left, lolz.
• – Celdar dashes forwards to ensure he’s still in range of the fleeing bugbear next turn. An offensive dash was unknown to the other players and there was much amazement.
• – Mike took over playing Zlifferlas whom the DM pointed out spent his days entertaining kids.

• Mike/Zlifferlas> So he’s going to go there and he’s going to say “Jangle, jangle, now then, then”
• DM> <deep sigh>
• Mike/Zlifferlas> On the basis a goblin is the same size as a child, does he not get a bonus to attack…?

• – Regulus asked Celdar if he wanted him to take out the fleeing bugbear. Celdar, apparently having missed the entire Call Lightning episode, wondered where the two goblins went that were next to him <sigh>.
• – The DM had a minor finger ↔ pulse meltdown and stated that Karl is as bad as Adam. The DM would like to offer a heartfelt apology to Karl for that one, it may have been said in the heat of the moment but some lines just shouldn’t be crossed.
• – Melee Regulus tried to hit something at range and managed to miss it by rather a lot.
• – Adam arrived and Table Top Simulator crashed and kicked everyone out… COINCIDENCE?!?!?! I think not!

• Adam> Sorry about being late guys.
• Mike> No you’re not.
• DM> Yeah, if you were really sorry, you’d have been here.
• Adam> Oh Gary… WHY DID YOU POST YOUR LEG?!?!

• – Giant Badge advanced but failed to actually do anything.
• – The DM raged again as Adam crashing TTS meant he had to fill in the initiative board once more.
• – Mike started interrogating the DM about Oren’s level (Oren doesn’t have a level) because he gets more damage from Vicious Mockery at level 5. This is what happens when you are nice to players and give them extra things; more work!
• – Oren hits with Vicious Mockery and the bugbear target has disadvantage on its next attack.
• – So now, rather a long time after the original question was asked, the DM finally realises what the pink encirclement meant. Better late than never though… right Adam?
• – Elvira/DM makes a longbow attack on the fleeing bugbear and rolls a seven:

• DM> So that’s… er..
• Mike> It’ll still hit.
• DM> Yeah, she gets… plus ten…
• Karl> PLUS TEN?!

Welcome to the world of Arcane Archers Kwaj! Elvira had +8 To hit at level 1.

• – The alive and fleeing bugbear is now a deceased and non-fleeing bugbear.
• – Three bugbears gang up on Panic Snake and one landed a hit.
• – Abelas still doesn’t understand what the pink circle meant and exchanges casual insults with Adam about it: “So FUCKYOOOO!”
• – Four goblins shortbow Regulus who turns out to have not only brought a knife to a gunfight but also decided to bring 22 AC <sigh>. He still needed a Shield spell to avoid all the hits.

Animal Pens: Combat Round 3

– Abelas declines to undertake the DM’s suggestion of “Bladesong –> Rapier–> Charge” and Magic Missiles three goblins; Snokk, Snokkeroo and Blik:

• <Abelas rolls 2, 2 & 4 and then +1 gets added to each>
• DM> Right, assign three damage to something.
• Abelas> I’m sorry?
• DM> Assign three damage to something.
• Abelas> Oh, I though you said “sign three damage to something…”
• <The momentarily confused DM pictures the gimpy wizard giving the goblins the finger with one hand and a ‘v’ sign with the other>
• Abelas> I want three to go on Snokk, three to go on Snokkeroo and I really want Blik to die!
• DM> Well Snokk was on 4…
• Abelas> Shit!
• DM> Snokkeroo was on 4… They have seven hit points…
• Joffrey> You chose… poorly.
• <general abuse starts and the DM reluctantly has to intervene>
• DM> No.. no.. NO! Rewind people! They were on MINUS four hit points of seven total.
• Joffrey> Ah, you chose… wisely!
• Regulus> You chose luckily!
• DM> Snokk and Snokkeroo are killed, Blik was previously untouched so he survives… he’s a bit fucked though!

– Joffrey drops Call Lightning on two bugbears prompting bad misquotes of the first X-men film. You know the one, it was about a toad.

– Past Gary requested future Gary reproduce what happened next. For the record, Joffrey rolled 14 damage, bugbears have 27 hit points and bugbear number three had lost eight of that total. So 27 minus 8 minus 14. Shouldn’t be hard to work out, right? Right.

• Joffrey> So fourteen damage.
• <Clearly, the DM forgets this as soon as Adam said it>
• DM> So one was on minus eighteen so… twenty.. thirty.. that’s gone and number three was on eight.. so how much was it? Sorry, it’s been a long week.
• Joffrey> Twenty four.
• <Adam has somehow managed to add a random +10 to the damage roll!>
• DM> Twenty four?
• Joffrey> Was it? Hang on!
• Regulus> <laughing> No. It was…
• Joffrey> Twelve plus, no, fourteen! Fourteen damage.
• Regulus> Which means he’s dead because he had twenty two hit points
• <I’m blaming this and Mike for everything. Where the fuck did 22HP come from? He had taken a total of 22 damage (8 + 14)>
• DM> No… three was barely touched so..
• Regulus> Ah, right…
• <The DM has a Maths is Hard moment>
• DM> Twenty four… No! For fuck sake! It’s Twenty two! <laughing> AAARGH!
• Regulus> <also laughing> He’s dead! I think he’s dead, he was on minus eight wasn’t he?
• DM> No… yeah, no.. yeah.. no! He’s <deep breath> he’s taken fourteen so NOW he’s on minus twenty two!
• Regulus> Right… I thought he only had twenty two hit points?
• DM> No, they have twenty seven hit points!
• Regulus> Oooh!
• Joffrey> <laughing> So he took twenty four damage and died, yeah?
• Regulus> Yep… the shock of it…
• Joffrey> He had his Faraday pants on!
• DM> Future Gary, reproduce that entire combat round <sigh>

Look, some days you’re the solid, steadfast steps to Air Force One and some days you’re the sad senile fuckwit falling up them in front of the entire world.

• – Miros does a leaping attack from the fence for double damage and poor Blik does not survive the onslaught.
• – Celdar shoots at and misses a goblin. The arrow hits the fence post next to it. Celdar “I try and make it look like I meant it”. The DM calls for a performance check. The somewhat surprised rogue has -2 to performance, it did not go well.
• – Zlifferlas storms through some scenery and flattens the last goblin with 14 damage to something that only started with 7 hit points.
• – The DM clears all the lines and asks if anyone wants to do anything before we move on.
• – Adam inconveniently points out there’s still a bugbear on the table <sigh>
• – Jake’s TTS crashed and he left the session. He informs everyone he will reboot and reconnect soon. The DM enables drawing for everyone but everyone else crashed and the DM himself had to draw the obligatory giant penis graffiti with an arrow pointing to the wizard.

Once everyone got back in, the last bugbear died and combat ended.

Poor Abbey, What’s She Done?

That dire excuse for a chapter title was from Adam in response to a breathless acolyte running up the road shouting that the abbey is under attack.

Arriving at the abbey, the party found the last group of raiders trying to get through the reinforced front door.

Abelas made everyone crash from TTS again <sigh>

• DM> Everyone back in? The last raiding party is in front of you with two ogres attempting to bash in the door.
• Celdar> Someone’s bashing on Abbey’s back door?!
• <groans>
• DM> <deep sigh> Roll initiative!

Jake rolls a 2, mike rolls a 3, Karl rolls a 4 and Adam rolled a 10.

The rather smug DM rolled for the raiders. He got a 8, 5 and another 8 <sigh>

The raiders and the abbey door are about 120feet from the party so shortbows and thrown stuff will be at disadvantage. We don’t usually get to do many long range fights and tactics need to be adjusted.

• – Unsurprisingly, Elvira went first and shot the ogre by the door twice for 21 damage total.
• – Joffrey first dropped Panic Snake form and then dropped a Spike Growth that covered everything except the two ogres and a wayward pair of goblins.
• – One goblin ran out of the spikes, took 5 damage, squealed and shot Joffrey with a shortbow. The druid’s protestation of “Whyyy? I didn’t do anything!” failed to alter the DM’s mind but the goblin missed anyway.
• – Another goblin runs out and also nearly dies doing so. “I really love this spell, someone should have told me about it earlier” said Adam as the DM fought the urge to start dropping random boulders onto anyone wearing white robes.
• – One more goblin ran out of the spikes… or at least tried to, it didn’t make it. Two more goblins shot at Joffrey with disadvantage and one hit! Sadly the cheese druid made the Con save. The remaining goblins fired at the druid without moving first, another one hit but still failed to break Joffrey’s concentration.
• – The four bugbears all moved and all took hefty chunks of damage from the spikes.
• – Celdar, with his cheesed longbow proficiency, fired at the ogre by the door without disadvantage and still missed the large, slow moving, low-armour class target.
• – The DM once again gritted his teeth and reluctantly informed the rogue that it was dim light and so he could take the hide action. I know, I know, just listening back to it was vaguely nauseating 🙁
• – Regulus, who still brought a knife to a gunfight, moved forward a bit, summoned another giant badge and had his pair of giant badges also advance a bit. The mostly dull turn was brightened up when Adam admonished his cat while pressing his push-to-talk button “No Marty! Nooooooo!”

– The DM spend ages measuring out where to put the overlay for Abelas’s impending Fireball on the map. It caused much merriment all round when it came out like this <sigh>

• <laughter>
• DM> Oh ffs!
• Abelas> That’s never going to translate into text.
• <eventually the DM gets it right>
• Abelas> Right, this is the important bit! This is where they make DC14 Dex saves.
• Regulus> Only DC14?
• Abelas> I will.. er.. <sigh>

– The gimpy wizard rolled 30 damage which even halved would be over double the goblin hit points so they all got incinerated. One bugbear died, the other got roasted but survived, both ogres failed the save but they survived, although ogre1 was more fucked than a sideways container ship in the Suez.

– Ogre1 ran away around the side of the abbey, ogre2 moves to the door and knocks a large chuck out of it. The door is failing fast.

Abbey Combat Round 2

• Abelas> We ideally want to kill that ogre at the door.
• Regulus> Yes, yes we do.
• DM> Top of the round, ding, ding. Elvira is going to shoot that ogre. She’ll do it twice regardless <rolls two attacks>
• Regulus> I don’t suppose she has any special attacks left has she?
• DM> She has but I’m not going to use them because I know what’s coming up later.
• <nervous laughter>
• Regulus> Fair enough!
• DM> The lowest of those was 17 To-Hit because Arcane Archers, and that’s a total of… 23 damage.
• Celdar> Fuck…
• DM> Arcane Archers, love’em! <surprised> Erm… that ogre is fucked! <that’s a highly technical DM term for ‘almost but not quite dead’>. Er.. oh yeah, he took a Fireball.

Finger <–> pulse DM <sigh>

• DM> Joffrey?
• Joffrey> I’m not sure what I can do without wasting spells but as that’s what I do normally, I’m going to run forwards and drop a Tidal Wave….
• Mike> Is that the one that drops stones?
• <silence>
• <the silence of people thinking>
• <laughter from the DM and Jake, who finally got it>

Ok, that one needs some explaining; in a previous episode Joffrey cast a Tidal Wave at a pair of Fire Giants and one of them had a prepped attack and flattened the druid with a rock:

– The Tidal Wave hit two goblins and two bugbears and did not summon a rock from the heavens nor anywhere else.

– The bugbears pick themselves up and look for the source of their pain and wetness:

• DM> This one gets up, advances, and is going to javelin… Joffrey. It is at disadvantage but they are just really angry now.
• Joffrey> Am I the party tank?!
• DM> Well, you did Spike Growth and Tidal Wave them…
• Joffrey> Oh yeah, I definitely deserve it..
• DM> Elvira shot the ogre, Abelas did the Fireball but most of those died…
• Celdar> <mournfully> I’ve done fuck all…
• <laughter>
• Joffrey> That’s normally what I do!
• Regulus> Think about what my poor badgers have done! I’ve basically just taken my badgers for a walk!
• <sympathetic laughter, we’ve all been there.. except for Matt, Matt lives there>
• DM> So has Zlifferlas, except he’s just walked more slowly. <Caringly, utterly insincerely and really condescendingly> The important thing Kraj, is that you shot at something. You participated and that’s what really matters! Talk to Adam who has gone entire sessions without accomplishing anything or poor Matt who went a month without rolling higher than a 4..

• – The next bugbear also threw a javelin at the druid with disadvantage and the DM rolled an 18 and a 20, get in!
• – Celdar once again shoots at the large, slow, lowly armoured ogre by the door and this time actually managed to hit it it for an impressive 22 damage. It only had 6HP left before the attack so that was deader than the chances of anyone being able to either pronounce or spell Chris’s daughter’s name.
• – Melee Regulus range attacks a nearly dead bugbear and misses (again).
• – Abelas throws a Magic Missile at nearly dead ogre1, he needed 8 damage. He rolled 7 damage much to everyone’s amusement.
• – The DM awarded Joffrey an inspiration for ‘attempted epicness’ when he tried to kill the last ogre with a sling… from 120feet away… in the dark.

– The remaining enemies, except for one goblin, were eradicated by bow fire from Elvira and Celdar. The last goblin eventually perished but only after Regulus missed (again) with another ranged attack, Orin missed with a thrown dagger and Abelas failed to hit it with a Toll the Dead. “Can we keep this one as a pet?” asked Adam wistfully.

Hail to the Chief

The Abbot opens what is left of the abbey door and is profoundly grateful. The abbey bell starts pealing out an alarm which is quickly picked up and repeated from the guard posts on the wall.

Three unarmed soldiers slowly make their way across the green to the abbey. One of them is a fairly grizzled veteran and he is propping up an injured much younger looking soldier. The third soldier, also young, is looking pale and shaken but not obviously injured.

The veteran introduces himself as Gunnery Chief Thran and he explains that they were manning the walls and he was attempting to explain to Serviceman Chung, the uninjured one, about the inadvisability of firing an Excelsior pattern ballista without first ascertaining what is behind your target (and why you do not ‘just eyeball it’), when two hill giants started throwing rocks at the ramparts, destroying one ballista and damaging another. The entire platoon was scattered.

At this point two hill giants appear on the other side of the green. There was some dismay from the players at this turn of events but the DM did point out the good news; the giants had to drop their clubs to climb the walls so now they can only punch… or throw rocks. A hill giant’s greatclub attack is +8 To-Hit, 10ft reach and does 18 damage so punching must be an improvement, right? Right.

End of session 2.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Celdar be able to hit a large, slow, low armoured giant?
• – Will Joffrey spend the fight pinned under a boulder?
• – Will the players take any notice of the “BIG FUCKING CLUE!!! Pay attention to it!” bit above?
• – Will Regulus do anything useful at all?!

Tune in next week to find out!