SKT Episode 17: Barf Party

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

• Jake as Abelas the Gimpy Wizard – We do make things interesting!
• Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Er… wait, that came out wrong!
• Matt as Clay the Battlemaster – What was Elvira drinking? I want some!
• Christina as Elvira the Arcane Archer – Too right, I want that in real life!

With:

Gary as the DM – It’s Karl, “no, fuck him” is a perfectly good answer!

Author’s Note: This session actually took place on 17^th December but it has taken the DM over two months to get around to writing it up. This was primarily due to the DM spending a fortnight in hospital nearly expiring from the Covid-Jake-Aids (DM DOWN!) and then taking a really long time to recover.

This review should be a fairly short one as this session had the introduction to the stronghold of Goldenfields and that meant a lot of DM exposition on various descriptions of the buildings and people therein. I’ve attempted to streamline the main fight to keep the length down.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have saved the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the Ordning (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They were on the way to Goldenfields when they were side tracked by an ‘Adventurers Wanted’ poster from Beliard and located the Hill Giant stronghold of Grudd Haug. Then they went to catch a bat.

Pre-session Guff

Jake turned up late claiming that he ‘forgot’ it was D&D day. The only reason he made it at all was because he saw everyone else loading up TTS <sigh>

Adam has a mini-rant over Windows automatically installing Skype and the ‘Meet Now’ icon that Microsoft has decided we all need on our desktops all the time.

Mike decided he couldn’t make D&D because he had the Covid. I don’t think I need to say any more about that. Karma, however, would have quite a lot to say about it a few days later.

A member of staff (not Mike) where most of us work tested positive for Covid that week but Adam was on maternity leave. This lead to the following:

• Adam> Jake, I hear you have been spreading Jake-Aids!
• Jake> You fucking wot?! No, I have done nothing of the sort it’s just that a lot of the people in my office are now coming down with Covid!
• DM> Well one… possibly two.
• Jake> Well one official but <redacted> was apparently feeling shit this morning.
• Adam> Ah, that’s fucking great…
• Jake> And stayed for the entire fucking day, next to me, the cunt!
• DM> That Bradford score is a thing!
• Jake> I’d like it noted everyone gave me shit for staying in when I wasn’t well.
• DM> Not me, I don’t give a fuck.

Ah, recordings; little windows back in time to our slightly younger, more stupider selves who don’t have the foggiest clue about the steaming pile of poo that is about to land on their life.

After the last two months, the DM now very much does give a fuck <sigh>.

Going full Twilight

We rejoin the end of the vampire fight from last week. This was more of this encounter but the DM decided to chop it because were were about to take a two week break for Christmas. This actually turned out to be a seven week break because Covid really sucks.

Joffrey had just ‘killed’ Morticus the vampire who, instead of having the good manners to just die, turned into mist form and vanished into the surrounding fog.

• Joffrey> Everyone breathe in deeply and we’ll try and destroy him that way!
• Abelas> Because you just want a vampire inside you… er… wait, that came out wrong!

Cru wants to to heal Abelas who is currently face-planted on the ground from saving Binky last session. Cru opts to take an attack of opportunity to reach the ailing wizard’s side:

• DM> So… attack of opportunity, gimmeacrit, gimmeacrit, gimmeacrit!
• <The DM rolls a natural 20>
• DM> BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry… no, not sorry!

Cru takes a hefty hit but he’s level 8 and can take it. The cleric runs over to Abelas, bleeds all over him and drops a Cure Wounds that gets him back on his feet.

The fight continues with Elvira rolling ridiculous to-hits, Clay Legana-ing (and missing), Cru Guiding Bolting (and hitting!), Abelas magic missiling, and Joffrey Snake-Jazzing (jazzing Adam, jazzing). Clarice, the female vampire spawn, runs into the fog, takes the hide action and rolls high and also disappears. Ormintroyd, the male spawn, stands his ground and gets wtfbuttfucked and killed. End of combat.

• DM> You have driven off the Womford Bat but he has escaped you in mist form. One of his undead servants has run off leaving clear tracks in the soft ground.
• Adam> Oh good, we almost ‘mist’ those!
• <tumbleweed>

The somewhat banged up party decide not to immediately pursue the evil vampire spawn but instead opt to find a way out of the mist and rest for 8 hours. The fully refreshed group of adventurers then head back to the tracks.

They find the mist has dissipated while they rested and Clarice’s track are easy to follow in the light of day. They follow the tracks a few hundred yards to a large rock behind which they discover wagon tracks and a note:

Well done adventurers, it was time to move on anyway.

See you around.

M.

The DM explains that the vampire’s coffin was on the wagon. His misty escape allowed him to retreat to the coffin and then after 1 hour he regained 1 hit point and was able to revert to his humanoid form and escape. Downside; no loot. Upside; they succeed in the quest to rid the region of the Womford Bat. Yay.

Cru bids them farewell and heads off to be the mayor of Red Larch and the group heads back to Womford whee they are profusely thanked by the Mayor and given river passage to Goldenfields.

Goldenfields

Exposition time!

The DM calls for investigation checks and Clay’s experienced eye note the following:

The outer wall is in need of repair in many places. Time and weather have eroded some of the mortar, creating ruts between the stones that can serve as handholds and footholds. The fortifications were clearly constructed to defend against large scale threats; armies and dragons.

The Abbey

Both Clay and Abelas are members of the Emerald Enclave and are warmly welcomed at the gate. The party is allowed inside and are directed towards the centre of the stronghold to Harvesthome Abbey.

The abbey is a large fortified building with an open central area with pews and an altar. The group are directed to smaller rooms at the rear of the building. As they approach the main office they see a young acolyte having a heated discussion with the Abbot. She is critical of the sate of the stronghold’s defences and the competency of the guard captain but breaks off her diatribe once they spot the party approaching.

The Abbot introduces himself as Ellardin Darovik (male human). He is an elderly, dignified priest and he gives the party a warm welcome. He leads prayers to Chauntea three times a day if any of them are worshippers of the goddess.

The Abbot introduced them to the acolyte next to him as Zi Liang. He also explains that about two months ago a pair of hill giants, accompanied by a band of goblins, waded across the river and started throwing rocks at the outer wall. They were driven off by a hail of arrows from the defenders. While the giants have not been seen since, there have been sightings of goblins and bugbears around the perimeter.

Zi Lang explains that the current guard captain has singularly failed to inform his guards of the potential threat nor prepare them for a possible assault and refuses to do so, not believing the threat is real. The guards and the captain are funded by the major cities in the region and the captain is a political appointee, not under the authority of the Abbot, hence the appeal to Emerald Enclave members for additional help defending Goldenfields.

Zi Lang takes the party on a tour of the stronghold. The DM will go through the highlights of this next session as it wont make sense without the map.

Northfurrow’s End (the inn)

Zi Lang finishes the tour at Goldenfield’s inn; Northfurrow’s End. This is a grand three-story establishment run by a human, Miros Xelbrin, a retired carnival attraction, dubbed “the Yeti” because of his barrel-shaped body and the thick, white hair covering his arms, chest, back, and head.

This is a pretty impressive inn, not too busy at the moment, but there is a drunken halfling bard, Oren Yogilvy, performing to a couple of dozen workers. Miros greets the party warmly and, once he finds out some of them are Emerald Enclave, offers room and board for free. The rooms are spacious and comfortable, the food is plentiful and delicious because it is made with the freshest and finest ingredients in the land.

• DM> The ale, or the drinks that you order… <big sigh> We’re going to do this again… what would you like to drink?
• Joffrey> Milk!
• <groans>
• DM> You actually get it. It’s fresh and it’s lovely.
• Joffrey> Wow, this tastes different to the last one. Excuse me innkeep! There’s no lumps in this one!
• Miros> I can put some in there if you want <makes hacking-up-phlegm type noises>
• <groans and repulsed noises from the gallery>

Abelas and Elvira opt for wine, Clay opts for cider (apple, mulled). These drinks are served in large varnished mugs. Joffrey was disappointed that Abelas didn’t go for a flaming sambuca.

Abelas is directed to have a chat with a scholarly looking middle-aged human lady sitting off to one side of the common room, who turns out to be Naxene Drathkala, a representative of Waterdeep’s Watchful order of Magists and Protectors. The guild has an arrangement with the Abbot to send a member for diplomacy, advice and protection and Abelas spends a nice evening talking magic with her. Naxene also lets Elvira know that she too is a member of the Lord’s Alliance.

Oren turns out to be a rather good bard despite being obviously worse for wear and performs a new tune doing the rounds called “Darin is a Cunt”.

Joffrey orders a chocolate milkshake <sigh>. He gets a lime milkshake topped up with a nice lime schnapps. Joffrey then attempted to buy one of the mugs but was informed they are not for sale. The DM was somewhat surprised when no one tried to steal one.

Oren, having finished his set, wanders out, bumping into Abelas on the way out, apologising profusely and saying that he likes to wander around the compound at night looking for inspiration. He seems quite proud of the fact that he often wakes up in a cornfield.

Zi Liang joins them for a few drinks explaining that she comes from a well-off family until she found her faith and became a monk of Chantea. Joffrey decides to spend the evening getting drunk on free lime-schnapps milkshakes. Abelas is rather scathing of this but then Clay, after a comms failure (MATT! ARE. YOU. GETTING. DRUNK.?! Can anyone hear me?!) decides he is also getting shit-faced and then Elvira jumps in too.

This may hurt

Jake is having a meltdown over what he sees as an impending disaster and everyone, including the DM, has the giggles, which made reading the following interesting:

A mighty yell shatters the night’s silence. “We’re under attack!” the voice calls out. “To arms! To arms!” Gathering your wits and weapons, you stumble outside the inn. A low mist blankets the quiet gardens to the north and slinks between the rows of darkened longhouses to the south. A small figure stumbles around the corner of the nearest longhouse, loses his balance, and falls. You have never seen such a clumsy, dishevelled halfling.

• DM> <still laughing> Oren is drunkenly shouting and screaming about attackers being inside the walls. As you three are drunk you count as poisoned…
• Clay> Yes… we do
• Abelas> OH MY FUCKING <invokes the name of a heathen deity>!
• DM> Aaaand, please roll initiative.

Abelas, not disadvantaged, rolls a two. Elvira, with disadvantage, rolls two twenties.

Fucking Arcane Archers <sigh>

• Abelas> OH MY WHAT?!
• Elvira> TWO TWENTIES!
• Joffrey> This is definitely cheating now!
• Clay> What was Elvira drinking? I want some!
• Elvira> Too right, I want that in real life!

Abelas was a tad upset that the drunk people all got to go before he did. Lolz.

Putting the boot in..

During the setup the discussion involved the DM introducing his friend Karl to the game and then Abelas’s low Dex and then rolling stats generally.

• DM> Right, are we going to make Karl roll his stats on his first ever character?
• Jake> Ooh.. that’s a bit cruel…
• Adam> Standard array would probably be better for a first character… but…
• DM> <laughing> But it’s Karl, so “no, fuck him” is a perfectly good answer!
• <general evil laughter>
• Jake> If I have to suffer…
• Adam> I was just thinking, it is your friend..
• Jake> I feel bad…
• DM> But not that bad…

Sorry Karl…

But not really.

Night Fight

DM>There is an entire story about how the things that are attacking Goldenfields came to be attacking Goldenfields but I can’t explain it to you until the end so it might be some weeks, or even a month away.

Closer to three months at this rate <sigh>

The four adventurers (mostly drunk) are joined by five NPCs in the fight; Oren the Bard (drunk), Zi Liang the Monk (angry), Miros the innkeeper (hairy), Naxene the Wizard (not drunk) and Lifferlas the Treant (woody).

Lifferlas started in a grove of trees on the other side of the map to the attackers and doesn’t move very fast. Everyone else starts outside the inn.

Coming down the road towards the group is a raiding party of two ogres, four bugbears and 10 goblins.

The players were offered a choice of which NPC to control in initiative order.

• – Sophie chose Lifferlas and rolled a 2 for initiative.
• – Matt chose Oren the drunken bard and rolled 1 for initiative.
• – <The DM has a fit of the giggles at this point>
• – Adam chose Miros the innkeeper and also rolled a 1.
• – <Everyone had a fit of the giggles now>
• – Jake chose Zi Liang the Monk and rolled a 4.
• – It took a while for everyone to get their shit back together after that fiasco.

Clay> There are nine people in this fight and the other eight don’t add up to Elvira.

Just for a few further added giggles, Joffrey had to roll off against the ogres. The ogres got 20, Joffrey got a 1. It was just that kind of a night.

Drunken Elvira squints at the oncoming horde, gives disadvantage the finger and one-shot kills one goblin and then rubs it in further by hitting with her second attack and killing a second goblin for good measure. This was just showing off.

Fucking Arcane Archers <sigh>

The enemy are a ways off so the bugbears advance forward seeking cover after having just seen two goblins casually massacred. The goblins, being rather stupid, just charge down the middle.

At this point Adam offered to post a video of his child straining to have a poo. Apparently this is hilarious <sigh>.

The ogres, who were at the back of the oncoming pack, advance up behind a house.

Drunken Joffrey drops a Call Lightning which encompasses pretty much the entire battlefield, or at least the bit that matters. He drops the lightning bolt on a pair of bugbears and then takes cover behind the inn. His mini lands askew on the well.

Clay runs halfway to the goblins and shouts drunken abuse at them.

Abelas drops a Shatter on the eight goblins for nine damage, the all failed the save and they all have seven hit points and they all died. It seems showing off is all the rage.

• DM> Well… that just made the fight a lot quicker.
• Abelas danced a jig.
• DM> Joffrey looks like he’s hanging over the well deciding whether to barf or not.
• Joffrey> I’m swaying between the two.
• DM> The whole world is doing that ‘wobble’ thing right now.
• Joffrey> The milkyness I can taste at the back of my throat isn’t helping.
• <groans, laughter and an ‘eeew!’ noise>

Second round notable events:

– Drunk Elvira missed!

– She made up for it on the second attack by rolling 23 to hit with disadvantage <sigh>

– The bugbears and Ogres advance.

– The DM points out that with an Int of 8, the bugbears are smarter than half the party.

– Drunken Clay somehow manages a disadvantaged 24 to hit and does some serious damage to a bugbear, followed by a ‘tactical puke’ all over it <sigh>

– The DM had everyone in sight of Clay make a DC 8 Con save to see if they puked too. No player failed it but two bugbears did and joined in the barf party. Goonies ftw.

– It turns out Adam has never seen the Goonies <sigh>

– Joffrey calls lightning on an Ogre, it needs a 15 to make the save. The DM rolls a 16, Joffrey groans. The DM points out that Ogres have a -1 to Dex so it actually got 15. Joffrey groans more.

– Abelas inappropriately touches an ogre with Vampiric Touch for 14 damage.

– The DM gives Oren (Matt) the ability to cast Vicious Mockery as a cantrip because all bards should have it.

– Miros (Adam) attempts to grapple the female ogre and rolls a 1.

– Liffrelas (Christina) continues to charge 40ft towards the fight and continues not to get anywhere near it.

– Naxene throws out a 27 point Lightning Bolt that severely damages both ogres.

Third round notable events:

– Drunk Elvira saves Abelas from being squished by killing the ogre next to him.

– A non-drunk bugbear throws a javelin at Abelas and crits!

– Jake was unimpressed.

– Drunk Clay attacks an ogre with the giant slayer axe but rolls a 1. Told you it was one of those nights. Dice are chaotic evil.

– Drunk Clay attacks an ogre with the giant slayer axe again and doesn’t roll a one. He hits it for 23 damage and cuts it in half.

Fucking Fighters <sighs>

– Drunk Joffrey snake-jazzes around the corner, despite not being a snake, leans drunkenly against the handy tree (Lifferlas) that has suddenly appeared nearby for support and drops some lighting on a bugbear.

– Abelas inappropriately touches the bugbear that critted him but misses by rather a lot and bonus action Mist Steps back to where Elvira is and then looks sheepishly at her.

– The DM mocks the wizard for wasting a level 2 spell slot when a level 2 Magic Missile would have killed it.

– Miros (Adam) bear-hugs a bugbear, apparently mainly for the irony factor, and actually kills it!

There’s only one bugbear left, Lifferlas still can’t reach it and Elvira is going next so he just stays where he is providing a means of support for Joffrey who has the cold sweats and is rather unsteady.

Miraculously, drunken Elvira misses twice (shocker!) and the bugbear runs away. Zi Liang gets an attack of opportunity on it and attempts to knock it out but Jake rolls a 5 and lets everyone down.

Clay however, did not miss, knocked out the last bugbear and put manacles on it.

The DM decided to see if Christina was paying attention:

• DM> Elvira, would you like to shoot the prisoner?
• <slight pause>
• Elvira> Er… yes?
• Abelas> NO.. no..
• Clay> I don’t like drunk Elvira!

Sadly, sober Abelas managed to convince drunken Elvira not to shoot the unconscious prisoner <sigh>

End of Session

Matt had to go:

• Matt> I’ll see you at work tomorrow.
• DM> Nope, I’m working the weekend, I’ll see you Tuesday.

Yeah, Tuesday twelve weeks later later <sigh>.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

• – Will Abelas make another melee attack?
• – Will Joffrey actually barf?
• – Will Lifferlas ever make it into a fight?
• – What will the captured bugbear have to say for himself?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

The DM notices a stray goblin in a bush that everyone missed. Well.. shit. Oh well, we’ll figure that out next session.

Everyone was highly amused that Adam thought he would be able to afford a decent graphics card in the next 20 years.

Adam also praised Stadia which goes to show just how deluded he was that night.