SKT Episode 13: The Sound… of Silence

Starring Avengers Anonymoose:

Author’s Note: The DM boomered the recording because (I think) OBS was started before I plugged my headphones in and thus we don’t have the player audio for this session, which really really sucks and means this write up will be somewhat drier than normal because most of my content comes from you twats.

Because of the loss of the player audio I will consequently have to write down more or less what I said and then completely make up what I think the players said.

This is not terribly different from normal.

We are going back in time to before about a quarter of the way through Princes of the Apocalypse when the DM finally started using a voice recorder. Before that it was all done from memory but I’m a few years older now and… er.. what was I saying?

The titles from tonight’s chapters are taken from The Sound of Silence which Mr Garfunkel once summed the meaning up as “The inability of people to communicate with each other, not particularly intentionally but especially emotionally” which I think for you lot is accurate in the first part but the exact opposite of the last part; you communicate especially well emotionally; “You’re not here little wizard-bitch!”, “FUCK MY DICK!”, “Fuck you, you luminous prick!”, “You are the worst being ever!”, “Fuck this shit! Dash!”, “I JUST WANT TO SPUNK EVERYTHING!”, “And how is that working out for you while you are on your back?“, “I didn’t realise you were now dead to me!”, “I know you’re old enough to be my dad but…”, “Fucking selective cheese hearing!”, “You stupid vertical twat!” etc.

I could go on but I won’t… but I could…

This song does of course provide us with our now-traditional dead player chapter title of Hello Darkness My Old Friend.

The recent Disturbed version of this classic is so good I’ll probably want it played at Christopher’s imminent my funeral:

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That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

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Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have save the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the ‘ordning’ (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and travelled to Everlund to bring word of the attack to the Harpers there. They were given access to the Harper’s teleportation network.

– They set out to rob the Margaster family in Silverymoon, set off an Alarm spell and got trapped in a carriage house with a couple of Cambions and some potential Demon Horses.

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Pre-session Guff

The DM discovered that actually plugging your headset into your computer made it work much better. The DM found out later of course, that it made the OBS recording much, much worse <sigh>.

Matt said that he can’t make next week because he has to attend a PTA meeting. Yes, that is not made up and is definitely now the definitive worst excuse for missing D&D ever. Worse than the football and worse than the shit dinosaur movie that they could have seen on any night over the following 6 weeks.

Sophie may be joining us to replace Matt and everyone agreed that while it was a terrible, terrible shame that Matt couldn’t make it, he shouldn’t hurry back any time soon if that were the case.

Ram-raiding and water fairies were discussed. Not the likeliest of duos you would have thought but trust me, it turns out there’s a lot more synergy there than you would think.

“Fools” said I, “You do not know”

We begin our eerily silent session inside the carriage house of the Margaster estate.

Having deftly set off the Alarm spell and nabbed the stolen items, the players had gotten into a fight with two human guards who turned out not to be human after all and were, in fact, Cambion devil guards.

Cambion 1 is prone on the floor having been flattened by a Joffrey Tidal Wave, he is also somewhat damaged. Cambion 2 is barely touched at the back of the room.

The DM explained that he forgot to photo the combat board he uses last week and has smudged the dry-wipe a little and can’t see if Cambion 1 had lost 38, 58 or 78 hit points.

Joffrey, obviously, immediately suggested 78 and so the DM made it 38 just to spite the cheesy twat.

Clay steps up and twats the prone Cambion with Legana. He rolled two 19s on the first attack and crit on the second attack. Well that’s all his good rolls used up for the next year.

Just to prove that particular point he rolled two 1s for the damage and then stuffed up a Wisdom save and got charmed by Cambion 2 who instructed him to attack Joffrey.

Joffrey then immediately tried to cheese a second Tidal Wave at a right-angle to him when it clearly says ‘away from you’ in the casting description. Or it did right up until the DM checked it and found it didn’t say that at all.

Hmm, spell must have been updated recently or something.

Cambion 1 fails the save and gets flattened and killed by the rush of cheese-scented water.

It is now Elvira’s turn and there is a huge discussion about what she should attack and what she should use. She stepped away from Clay and shot him with her longbow, rolled a 7 and even with her to-hit did not damage the fighter. Her second arrow did though!

Clay had to roll to see if he made the save:

DM> Please roll low! Please roll low! Please roll low!

Matt rolls a natural 20 and the DM expresses some mild disappointment.

DM> Goddamfuckingshitfuck!

Clay was, sadly, no longer charmed and Joffrey was, even more sadly, safe.

Regulus runs up and attacks the remaining Cambion with his lightning fists to the refrain of the DM chanting “Fist him good! Fist him harrrrd!”

Having then been further molested by Clay, the Cambion grins and calls out “Well played!” and casts Plane Shift and buggers off home for a holiday.

The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

They now start faffing about searching the place and the DM has to subtly point out that the alarm is still ringing.

After Matt posted the dictionary definitions of ‘Detect’ and ‘Dispel’ into Discord, Abelas went from pissed off and confused to just pissed off, although he did, eventually, cast Dispel Magic upon the alarmed box and it shut the fuck up.

Regulus tries to open the door but cannot. He examines it but finds it is not physically locked. Joffrey turns into a Rhino and charges the door, because why wouldn’t you? He takes half the damage that he inflicted and the door remains unimpressed by the efforts made so far.

Abelas casts Dispel Magic on the door and lo and behold it opened.

A female Tiefling is stood on the nearby tower, she chuckles and calls out “Ahhh! THIEVES” and casts a Fireball right at Abelas. Sadly, Regulus was the only other player in range.

Initiative was rolled and Clay, after last week’s inaugural award of the Cheese of the Week trophy, won the inaugural award of the DM’s digital thumb.

Er, that did not come out the way I meant it to… and neither did the thumb! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Hah! Hah… hah…

Not sorry.

The average for a Fireball is 28. The DM rolled 37! GET IN! THE GIMPY WIZARD GOES DOW… what? He made the save?!

Well, shit.

Regulus did not make the save but he is not nearly as flimsy as Abelas and stayed upright.

Joffrey throws a heal at Regulus and gets on the carriage and grabs the reins. Thankfully this happened after he dropped rhino form or it would have been really messy.

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Joffrey had to resist engaging full gallop and running down Abelas who was blocking the door.

Regulus stated that the gods are false and the DM makes a note of this in case they ever need to resurrect the Warforged in a temple to a god he doesn’t think is real. That’ll put the cost up a bit!

In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobblestone.

Abelas hitches up his robes and goes full Rincewind, legging it out of the compound and down the street.

The Tiefling shouts out “Yes! Run! But I will find youuuu!” and then she preps an action. This causes some consternation for those that have yet to leave the carriage house.

Clay decides to leg it from the top floor to jump into the carriage and insists on grabbing a random book from the Devil’s Lair on the way out. That will work out well I’m sure.

And so, with Clay and Regulus in the back and Elvira and Joffrey up front (temporarily renamed to Bonnie & Clyde) the carriage is driven at pace out of the carriage house and towards the waiting gates and freedom!

Only the evil(?) Tiefling stands in the way… er. metaphorically speaking because she is actually standing quite a long way away from the actual.. er.. way.

As the carriage emerges from the doors she starts to cast Cone of Cold but then does not release it, laughing and shouting down to them “It’s a good job I love my horses!”

Bonnie and Clyde steer the carriage through the gates and down the street to safety.

Joffrey now wants to keep both the carriage and the horses. The DM has to point out that the carriage is made for well-maintained roads and they will not always be travelling on those. Joffrey, because it’s Adam, doesn’t give a shit and wants to keep it anyway <sigh>

People talking without speaking. People hearing without listening.

They currently have to decide the following:

We now see a minor advantage of not having player audio. This conversation took twelve minutes before the DM intervened and directly asked them each of the above questions.

They did leave town straight away, they did not take the carriage, they did take the horses. Well Joffrey did, the rest just left him behind as he couldn’t keep up trying to wrangle a cart, Boris, Shelby and two draft horses.

They have another discussion about how far to camp off road:

As there wasn’t room in the tiny hut for the horses, they were left outside. A passing comment about them being crushed against the see-through side of the hut led to the DM making the comment “You attempt to sleep that night but you are somewhat disturbed by the sight of your horses Garfielded up against the outside of the window”

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This broke Jake.

JAKE DOWN!

It literally broke Jake. He couldn’t speak for a couple of minutes and then when he could speak he insisted he was ok but sounded definitely not ok.

After a couple more minutes passed and we were all reasonably sure that Jake had regained the ability to breathe we got on with it.

It finally occurred to them that they hadn’t yet examined the magical loot which was kind of the whole point of this escapade anyway <sigh>.

They found they had Eyes of Minute Seeing, Goggles of Night, a Greater Healing Potion, a scroll of Vampiric Touch and, because the DM is a dick, another of Detect Magic. There was also a hitherto unnoticed magic ring:

Ring of Detect Demonic Horses: When worn, this ring will gently pulse whenever a Demon Horse is within 300ft of the wearer.

That will be spectacularly useful, I’m sure.

The time between escaping the compound and finally travelling on to Zymorven hall was just over half an hour. Obviously the reasons for this are lost due to the lack of player audio but I think it was primarily down to deciding who got what loot, Clay being possessed by a devil when he read the book, Regulus attempting to start planning the next travel phase even though they have no fucking clue where they will be heading and the DM, for reasons he forgets, having had Isaac cast Thaumaturgy and shout out, three times louder than normal ”YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF SALTY DICKWEASELS!”

Truly, this is the epitome of D&Ding.

Zymorven Hall

Perched atop a crag overlooking the Rauvin Road, with a clear view of the Evermoors to the south and the Moonwood to the north, is a keep of mortared stone with a high-pitched roof that has wooden statues of baying wolves rising from its peaks. A branch in the road winds up to the keep’s gatehouse and bailey. From the keep, the Zymorven family of Silverymoon has watched over the surrounding lands for four generations.

The DM gives a complete recap of the quest, the reason for doing the quest, the person they need to talk to and what, exactly, they need to say to get to see that person.

Trust me, it’s just better for everyone this way.

However, they then start questioning if they even need the Giantslayer weapon before they even know what the fuck it does or how powerful it is or how valuable it is <sigh>

It’s a magic fucking axe! Who gives a fuck if you need it or not, it’s a magic fucking axe!

<sigh> ‘Adventurers’ my arse.

There is a patrol from Silverymoon just leaving and, as per usual, they become completely obsessed with the utterly unimportant detail the DM threw in for flavour instead of whatever the fuck it was that they were supposed to be doing. This has been happening for so long now that the DM isn’t even phased by it anymore and is occasionally disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

The players are asked to eat with Lord Zymorven that night and a thoroughly enjoyable meal was had during which Lord Zymorven refused to discuss business and instead they swapped adventuring tales.

After the meal he had the following to say when they broached the subject of the Giantslayer weapon:

“Ah the giant slayer, yes I did have such a weapon but alas it was stolen from me by my youngest boy Harthal. He’s an idiot. I tried to help; good education, martial training and I even got him a job on the board of a gnomish mining company despite the fact that he doesn’t speak gnomish nor knows anything about mining but he still managed to bugger that up as well. Alas, the fool fell in love with a tavern wench from Yartar and married her against my express wishes so I disowned him. The cad then robbed me and ran off with the girl and my axe. If you can find him, the axe is yours with my blessing. My scribe will provide you with a document of ownership.”

After the Lord and the rest of his staff had left, they were approached by the resident musician Rimbredol Rainer who tells them that Harthal, the son, is indeed an idiot but the girl is not. He suggests they start looking for them in Yartar and mentions asking politely at the Wink & Kiss tavern for help from the Hand of Yartar thieves’ guild.

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, that split the night

The following morning they set out, deciding (eventually) to go back to Everlund and use the teleporter there rather than go the off-road unexplored route via Rivermoot, Nesme and Mornbryn’s Shield. There was no right or wrong choice here.

A few hours out, Joffrey with his high passive perception becomes aware of a really high pitched whine coming from the road to the right, barely audible but rising in tone.

The Ring of Detect Demonic Horses starts pulsing on Clay’s hand.

The DM describes the following:

A booming crack like a thunderbolt shatters the quiet and the air over to the right of the road rips apart as a thin portal forms in the air, a few feet wide and about 20ft tall, through it you can see a sky where the clouds appear to be on fire.

A gleaming jet-black horse streaks through the portal which slams shut behind it. The horse has a dark orange mane with a matching tail and flaming hooves.

As the horse came through the portal, just for a split second the figure mounted on it seemed to shift. You think you got the momentary hint of large horns and a tail but you must have been mistaken as instead you can now clearly see a familiar, portly figure dressed in silks and a turban, flapping somewhat as the horse strides through the sky towards you, its hooves leaving small smoke clouds with each stride.

“WOOO-HOOOO! DARLINGS!”

Benjamin brings the magnificent horse to halt about 20ft above you, he fetches out a large pouch and tosses it down to Clay, it clinks as you catch it.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on you darlings! As further thanks for my freedom, please accept..” and then another massive boom sounds out, far louder than the first as a much bigger portal rips open where the first one was. The ring is now pulsing so fast it is almost vibrating.

Benjamin continues “Oh, er, must dash darlings! Enjoy those! COME FANDANGO! WE MUST FLY! FLY LIKE THE WIND!”

The horse rears and its mane and tail catch fire as it leaps away, climbing and heading off towards and area left of the road.

Through the right side portal eight large flame-wreathed figures emerge mounted on similar horses to Benjamin but not quite as large or magnificent. One shouts out in Primordial “There! The princess’s defiler escapes us!” And they gallop across the sky in pursuit of Benjamin.

You eyeball it and it seems to you that Fandango is clearly faster than the chasing pack, although you also notice that Benjamin’s silks seem to be trying to catch fire from Fandango’s fiery mane and Benjamin is slapping himself silly trying to keep it from happening. Another portal booms open in front of Benjamin and just as he disappears he waves back at you and calls out “I’ll be watching you darlings!”

Regulus> That man is… magnificent.

The pursuing pack streaks across the sky leaving a trail of smoke drifting behind them until they also vanish through yet another portal with yet another thunderous crash.

Silence suddenly descends upon the road and it seems as if the entire areas is quietly contemplating what the hell just happened here.

The bag contains 20 lacquered metal badges, seemingly scratch-proof:

And in the naked light I saw

They arrive in Yartar and Regulus immediately starts trying to plan whether or not to use the Letter of Recommendation before they even know if they have to <sigh>.

There was an interlude where we reminisced about the last time the players were in the Wink & Kiss and Henry got the blame for the entire session going wrong because he was stuck in Red Larch in jail having had sex with a chicken and thus no one spoke, and I quote, “Thieves cunt” <sigh>

They were shown to a corner table. The DM asked for perception checks to be made, Joffrey rolled high:

DM> It’s subtle and it’s clever; some of the ‘patrons’ are pretending to drink heavily but they drink from different jugs to those you think are actual customers. Fully half the people in the tavern are nowhere near as drunk as they appear.

A serving girl wanders over and asks what they want. A bribe of 5 gold is required but they don’t know that and Clay offers two gold, and then another two gold because why fuck it up once when you can fuck it up twice?

Someone paid her ten gold, I can’t remember who, and she says someone will be in touch soon. Then however, we turn back to the subject of the drinks. Joffrey asks for milk. The serving girl shouts over to the bar “Hey Wescott! Do we have any milk?”

The entire tavern turns and stares at Joffrey with various expressions of amazement and disgust. Wescott shouts back that the mare is in foal and he will see what he can do.

They are soon joined by a middle-aged human woman calling herself Nareen. She points out that they are a very eclectic group; The metal man, the wizard in white, the limping wizard, two Genasi and a very shiny cleric. They are making a reputation and she has heard of their exploits in Triboar.

Matt had to leave early and so Clay was immediately offered to Nareen for use in the local brothel.

The party present her the scroll and explain that they need to locate Harthal and the weapon. She takes the letter and leaves then for several hours, When she returns she explains that Harthal killed someone and is currently incarcerated. A corrupt watch captain named Tholzar Brenner currently has the axe.

Take my arms that I might reach you

Nareen suggests several methods of obtaining the axe:

– The ‘legitimate’ method; approach the Waterbaron and explain the situation. This has more chance of success if a party member is in the Lord’s Alliance (Elvira) but the Waterbaron is not well regarded and if the party is not persuasive enough, she may just keep it for herself.

– Take it from Brenner themselves; he isn’t well thought of so the investigation would not be too vigorously pursued but there will be an investigation.

– The Hand will obtain it for them; this will be expensive though as there will be bribes to pay.

– They could approach either the Zhentarim or the Harpers for aid.

They choose the latter approach and Regulus and Joffrey manage to locate a harper safe house by passing the investigation checks required and the agents inside set some wheels in motion for 200g in expenses. The next day the Giantslayer Battleaxe +1 is delivered to them.

Giantslayer Battleaxe (Rare)

You gain a +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.

When you hit a giant with it, the giant takes an extra 2d6 damage of the weapon’s type and must succeed on a DC 15 Strength saving throw or fall prone. For the purpose of this weapon, “giant” refers to any creature with the giant type, including ettins and trolls.

Abelas is approached by a rangery looking person who tells him there have been giant sightings around the Emerald Enclave outpost of Goldenfields and they are asking any faction members who are available to travel there just in case.

This is a faction quest and they decide to follow up on it straight away. They collected Clay from the brothel, and set off travelling first to Yartar and then south down the Long Road without any meaningful incidents until they get to Westbridge.

Westbridge

A village strung out along the Long Road between Red Larch and Triboar, Westbridge (so named because it lies to the west of the Stone Bridge) is home to the Harvest Inn, on the west side of the Long Road facing the Stone Trail. The inn’s proprietor is the affable Herivin Dardragon (male strongheart halfling), a curly-haired collector and reseller of paintings and statuettes of questionable taste.

The innkeeper’s particular interest seems to be cults and cultists and he goes at length about a variety of rumoured cults organisations in The North:

– A red dragon worshipping cult up in the Spine of the World

– Rumours of elementalists in the Dessarin Valley

– Some particularly idiotic people are thought to be worshipping a Kraken in Yartar and Waterdeep

Er.. the cultists are in Yartar and Watedeep, not the Kraken, because that would create something of a stir.

On the town noticeboard they find a flyer for ‘Adventurer’s Wanted’ in the nearby town of Beliard where there would appear to be… trouble.

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This led to change of plan and instead of heading south to Red Larch, they went east towards Beliard. However, between Westbridge and Beliard lies the Dessarin River, over a mile and a half wide it is deep and it is bitterly cold. The main crossing is The Stone Bridge.

The Stone Bridge

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A gigantic stone archway, two miles from end to end and four hundred feet tall at its apex, comfortably spans the Dessarin River and the plain around it, remaining high and dry during even the worst springtime floods. The Stone Bridge is a sacred site of pilgrimage for many dwarves. Long ago, the dwarf god Moradin appeared atop the bridge to rally dwarves of the Ironstar clan against a horde of orcs, and the founder of the ancient dwarven kingdom of Besilmer, Torhild Flametongue, died fighting a hill giant in the same location.

The Stone Bridge is made of smooth, fused granite. It is only 20 feet wide and lacks railings or barriers, so anyone traversing it is at the mercy of the wind.

There’s a much-used camp ground near the base of the bridge where caravans and travellers rest before or after making the crossing. As the group nears the bridge they see an armoured dwarf and a human in dark red robes having an animated discussion.

The dwarf’s name is Dulron and he is rather put out that the human will not give his name. The man explains, somewhat wearily, that he has enemies in the region and would prefer them not to know he is around. He asks them to call him Ember.

The dwarf says there has been some rumours of trouble on the bridge recently and asks if they wish to cross together for safety. They camp overnight without incident and all set out across the bridge the following morning.

End of Session.

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Yeah, I couldn’t hear that shit either but Adam seemed to be trying to pre-emptively use the birth of his firstborn as an excuse not to attend D&D <sigh>.

Priorities Adam, priorities.