SKT Episode 11: Moon Doves of the Day

Starring:

  • Michael as Regulus the Artificer – That’s as shit as our wizard!
  • Jake as Abelas the gimpy Wizard – That’s your god having to pick up your slack!
  • Adam as Joffrey the Druid – Of course it does because I’m a beast!
  • Adam as Elvira the Arcane Archer – It’s not my hit points, it’s fine!
  • Christopher as Isaac the Cleric – It’s not his action economy is it?
  • Christopher and Michael as Clay the Battlemaster – It’s not my reputation!
  • Gary as the DM – No, not really… but yeah, kind of!

Author’s Note: The chapter headings are taken from Billy Joel’s You’re Only Human (Second Wind) because it got stuck in the DM’s head.

That Which Must Be Repeated: This campaign contains hard encounters. It is often not required for all of you to kill all of them in order to succeed!

Season Recap: Chapter 1 – A Great Upheaval

– The party have save the fortified village of Nightstone from goblins following an attack by Cloud Giants from a floating castle (that went east).

– The characters travelled to Triboar and on the way met a cloud giant called Zephyros who travels in a floating tower. He explained that the ‘ordning’ (which regulates giant society) is broken and the players are destined to fix it.

– They helped defend the town of Triboar from a fire giant attack and ransacked a dead wizard’s house for loot with style darlings!

– They set off on a quest to deliver some saddles but got waylaid finding out why the Evermoor trolls were acting up (they were being enslaved by fire giants) but eventually they arrived in Noanar’s Hold.

Pre-session Guff

Michael couldn’t find the table. Nice work, detective.

Adam wanted the players to go full murder-hobo after last session <sigh>

Jake had a pizza! But it was probably a pants vegetarian one instead of a proper one covered with dead animal parts so it’s basically just cheese on toast.

Adam shamefully admitted to having overwritten about an hour of his and Jake’s Divinity 2 game by accident. Jake was unimpressed.

Matt couldn’t make it because his wife’s job was more important than D&D. I don’t think I need to say any more about that.

Christina couldn’t make it because she is on holiday. In Hastings. The DM was going to be rather scathing about the choice of destination until he remembered he took his wife on a holiday to Hastings (the rural bit) two years ago and very nice it was too.

The DM asked Adam to play Elvira as that way Adam might actually get something useful done for a change.

Look, it aint bitchy if it’s true, right? Right.

You’re having a hard time and lately you don’t feel so good

Clay doesn’t get to action surge because Matt couldn’t be bothered to turn up. This would have significant ramifications later.

That meant it was the end of the combat round and the other doors burst open and another 8 skeletons arrived at the back of the room and a further 8 from the side door. They were some distance from the players and used all of their movement to get into the room.

  • Isaac> Adam?
  • Joffrey> Yes… Christopher?
  • Isaac> What’s your.. ugh, get fucked… what’s your..
  • Joffrey> You used my full name!
  • <laughter>

And so it begins.

  • Isaac> What’s your character wearing?
  • Joffrey> Snakeskin!
  • Isaac> <sigh> No, fuck that, not the fucking panic-twat, what’s your actual character wearing?
  • Abelas> Isn’t it some sort of luminous white robe?
  • Joffrey> Yeah, proper Daz-white with a white hood, white robes…
  • DM> With a giant skidmark up the back.
  • Abelas> Full-on KKK!
  • Joffrey> No! It’s not pointy!
  • Isaac> Oh for fuck sake, ok, cool…

I have been through that conversation twice now and I still have no clue what it was about.

Joffrey enquired why Elvira was positioned where she was and no one could remember exactly and so it was presumed to be group incompetence at room entering. The DM did point out that an Arcane Archer was still a fighter and could still absolutely shred stuff up close.

Of the original 5 Hunt Lords, two are dead, two are wounded and one is untouched.

You’re getting a bad reputation in your neighbourhood

Isaac gets missed with a longsword but is inappropriately touched with a Life Drain attack.

  • Isaac> Can I use my reaction to cast Warding Flare and give him disadvantage?
  • DM> <dubiously> Is that a thing?
  • Isaac> <laughing> Yeah, yeah, I fucking hope so! Just making some really cool sounding shit up!

Eh, Adam does it all the time… except the ‘cool’ bit obviously.

We then had the whole “can you blind a zombie” discussion but as it isn’t on the stat block, the DM isn’t about to add it.

  • DM> Adam, how have you not discovered Light Clerics before?
  • Adam> Because that’s just cheesy Gary and I wouldn’t play anything cheesy!
  • <Yeah, just wait till his elemental forms show up>

Another hunt Lord attacks Isaac and hits. Since he has just used his reaction his cheese-flares won’t save him from this one and his max hit points are reduced by 5. The follow-up longsword attack hits as well.

Clay gets hit as well but the players were having issues accessing the character sheets of the other characters they were controlling:

  • Isaac> I’ve got a sheet on front of me Gary, I can track it.
  • Joffrey> All right, show off with your bit of paper and a pen!
  • Isaac> <sigh> Whatever, dickweasel.

Then, entirely as predicted, we all realise that we all forgot both the Spirit Guardians and the Flaming Sphere damage at the end of the Hunt Lords turn so those activate and deal a fairly hefty amount of damage.

You’re only human, you’re allowed to make your share of mistakes

Elvira/Adam backs up to get some distance so she can use her bow without being at disadvantage. However, this means the skeletal warhorse… sorry, ‘warhorse, skeletal’ gets an attack on her:

  • Elvira/Adam> I’m going to take a step back…
  • DM> Attack of opportunity… please be a natural 20…
  • Elvira/Adam> It’s not my hit points, it’s fine.
  • <shocked laughter>
  • Isaac> “It’s not my hit points, it’s fine”?! Fucking hell.
  • DM> Well that’s your quote for the week sorted and we’ve only been going 20 minutes!

Elvira shoots at Hunt Lord four on the table:

  • Isaac> I hope you’re as shit at this as Christina is good.
  • <Adam rolls 11>
  • Elvira\Adam> 21 to hit, get fucked!

The damage roll is unimpressive and only does 7 damage but the wight only had 6 hit points left and another Hunt Lord bites the dust… err… re-bites the dust..?

  • Elvira\Adam> She’s going to draw a second arrow, twiddling it her fingers as she does, and shoot at Hunt Lord 5.
  • Isaac> You are such a poncey wanker!
  • Elvira\Adam> You can only do archery with a twirled arrow!
  • Abelas> I preferred the old narrator, this one is shit.

Interestingly, last year the National Field Archery Association banned arrow twirling in all its forms because apparently most real archers think arrow twirlers are ‘dangerous selfish obnoxious poncey cunts’. True story, look it up.

  • Elvira\Adam> That was a bit shit too; 9 damage
  • Abelas> Still more than you’ve ever done.
  • Regulus> <laughing> Yeah, what’s it like doing damage?
  • Joffrey> What did my Flaming Sphere just do?! Like, come on!
  • Regulus> Yes but that’s passive damage.
  • Abelas> Yeah it doesn’t count.
  • Regulus> It isn’t under your control.
  • Abelas> That’s your god having to pick up your slack because you’ve been shit!
  • Isaac> Fucking hell, Selune must be fucking aching from picking up all this slack!
  • DM> That Hunt Lord is undamaged so far this fight.
  • Elvira\Adam> Is it worth using her…
  • Regulus> Action surge?
  • Elvira\Adam> Ooh, that’s a good point, I wasn’t thinking of that! FUCK YEAH! ACTION SUUUURGE!
  • Isaac> Calm your erection please!
  • <Elvira\Adam rolls a 1>
  • Elvira\Adam> WHAT THE SHIT?!
  • <loud, mocking laughter>

Adam wanted the stray shot to hit Isaac, Isaac invited Adam to “suck a dick!” the DM randomly rolled to what did get hit and it was, in fact, Isaac which set everyone off laughing again.

  • Elvira\Adam> YES!
  • Isaac> Oh for fuck sake, you fucking cock cheese!

Elvira\Adam’s second attack (fourth of this never-ending turn) did hit however:

  • Elvira\Adam> Let’s do a Shadow Arrow, because it sounds cool, which is two d6 and can it make a Wisdom save please?
  • <Elvira\Adam rolls two sixes>
  • Elvira\Adam> OOOH! LOOK AT THAT! Twelve more damage!
  • DM> <removing the Hunt Lord from the table> Well that negates the need for the Wisdom save.
  • <laughter>
  • DM> Ok, so in the first round of a fight you just spunked everything you have?
  • Elvira\Adam> Only two things!
  • DM> That was everything <sigh>
  • Elvira\Adam> Elvira doesn’t need them!
  • Isaac> It’s not his action economy is it?
  • <laughter>

You better believe there will be times in your life when you’ll be feeling like a stumbling fool

  • Abelas> Oh yes, it’s me isn’t it? Er… I will…
  • DM> Run away screaming? You can almost make it to the front door.
  • Joffrey> Jake, you could run in there and Thunderstep back out!
  • DM> <going full Pratchett> I’ll give you an extra 5ft of movement if you hitch your robes up!

Sadly, Abelas decided to Fireball a skeleton pack which was a lot less interesting but probably a lot more effective. Having said that, he only killed three of the eight.

Christopher, Michael and the DM then gave Jake shit for not using his Wand of the War Mage to buff his Spell Save:

  • Jake> No! My Wand of the War Mage gives me +1 to spell attack rolls!
  • Michael> Oh does it? Well… you are just shit then.
  • <laughter>

Good times.

  • Isaac> Far be it from me not to use a Fireball and show up Jake in the process, I will Fireball this lot over here.
  • <Shots fired!>
  • Abelas> What’s your spell save DC?
  • Isaac> Fifteen.
  • Abelas> Oh, so only one point extra you supposedly superior…?
  • <The DM starts rolling a 6-die Dex save>
  • Joffrey> I really hope he gets all 20s
  • Isaac> I’m really hoping for some shit rolls!
  • Abelas> I want them ALL to make it!
  • Isaac> <laughing> Fuck me they’re not bad either! They’re better than Jakes one! Fuck!
  • Joffrey> Eleven plus two is fourteen… thirteen…
  • Isaac> Wow! Just shut the fuck up!
  • <only three of the eight were killed>
  • Abelas> Well, all I can say is Lathander can suck a dick, and obviously Selune is better!
  • Joffrey> Oooh yeah! Joffrey glows a little bit more from all the salt coming from Lathander’s bitch!
  • Isaac> <laughing> Lathander’s bitch?
  • Abelas> I wasn’t even invested in a side before, now I am!

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: Unless you are one of those types that has to beg a deity every single god-damned day to lend them some power to be nearly as good as the rest of us, pick a god you like and, from time to time, drop a few coins in the collection box for when you really need the local priest to cure a bad case of the cl.. er.. ‘a disease’. What you absolutely do not ever do, Florence, is get between two complete fucking idiots engaged in a religious spat. Their gods just don’t care and you better really fucking pray it stays that way.

  • DM> Congratulations Abelas, you have just sided with… the druid.
  • Abelas> I know, I know! I realised it after I said it!
  • Regulus> All time low!
  • DM> Isaac, are you going to do anything else?
  • Isaac> Er.. I don’t..
  • Joffrey> You mean he did something?!
  • Isaac> The best bit is it hasn’t been you go yet prickface so just give it time.

At this point Regulus suggests he cast Spiritual Weapon but then Isaac realises he got hit three times and we forgot the concentration rolls <sigh>, he failed a roll and Spirit Guardians dropped, but that meant he could cast Spiritual Weapon after all. Which was nice.

  • Isaac> It all comes together in the end! So yeah, I cast Spiritual Weapon… on the table.
  • Regulus> There’s only a horse left on the table
  • <FFS it isn’t a ‘horse’, it is a ‘Warhorse, Skeletal’!>
  • Isaac> Yeah, and then I’ll attack it…
  • Abelas> That horse has done nothing to you!
  • <no but it was about to>
  • Isaac> Same for Adam but I still abuse him.
  • <the DM quietly lol’d>
  • Regulus> I wanted to see the Dex roll of the horse as it climbed down off the table.
  • DM> <slightly dismissively> It won’t climb down off the table, it will leap off the table!
  • Joffrey> The horses haven’t done anything against us yet! Just saying.
  • Regulus> Apart for that one that attacked Clay?
  • Joffrey> Well that’s his fault for being at the face end isn’t it?
  • Abelas> At the FACE END?!

It’s a technical horsey-person term I believe.

Regulus Shatters the clump of five skeletons and despite Isaac’s urging to “Be better than me and Abacus” still only kills three but with a lower level spell.

So much wrongness and cheeseness all in one turn

(that isn’t Billy Joel, that’s pure Adam)

I’ll cover everything wrong with this below it. See if you can spot just how much bollocks can take place in one attack in D&D:

  • Joffrey> I’m going to constrict the Hunt Lord.
  • <He rolls the attack, it hits and he rolls damage>
  • Joffrey> And that’s fifteen damage and can it make a DC16 Grapple save?
  • DM> Yes… it made it.
  • Joffrey> Cool, well it’s no longer constricted.
  • Regulus> Umm, which is probably just as well bearing in mind that you’d be in the same square as it and you’d take damage from your Flaming Sphere.
  • Joffrey> Nah! Ten-foot reach bitch!
  • Regulus> <laughing> If you’re constricting it, you’re in the same square as it!
  • DM> That is a very congested square, I’m not sure about the physics of it.
  • Regulus> Just for comedy value I’d make Joffrey take damage from his own Flaming Sphere.
  • <laughter and assent from the table>
  • Joffrey> I don’t think you end your turn in there so… get fucked!
  • DM> I’m detecting a tiny bit of hostility from Adam tonight..
  • Isaac> Adam, you’re a bit salty this evening, are you on your period?
  • <sigh>

The conversation kind of degenerated for a little bit, I’ll cover some highlights without including the entire sordid mess:

  • – It’s my period every Thursday, whenever you’re around!
  • – That sounded very aggressive!
  • – I’m ramming it in dry!
  • – Cunt Lord 1 is attacking Hunt Lord 1.
  • – Can it do… something?
  • – Please keep it up, it makes for good write-ups
  • – He’s just pissed off because everyone keeps calling him a <REDACTED> fanboy!
  • – I need to make a thingy against it don’t I?
  • – It’s YOUR character!
  • – Look, I’m dealing with a lot of shit!
  • – It’s almost like you rolled a fucking druid!
  • – It’s almost like if you read it, it will tell you what the fuck to do!
  • – I’ve got some dickhead in my ear telling me to hurry up!

Ok, so let’s start with the Adam cheese: “Ten-foot reach bitch!”

Giant Constrictor Snake –

Actions

Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 10 ft., one creature. Hit: 11 (2d6 + 4) piercing damage.

Constrict. Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 13 (2d8 + 4) bludgeoning damage, and the target is grappled (escape DC 16). Until this grapple ends, the creature is restrained, and the snake can’t constrict another target.

Those of you paying attention, unlike Adam, will notice the distinct lack of a 10ft reach notation on the constrict attack.

You may also note, again unlike Adam, that a roll is required for the escape, which takes an action, and not to see if it gets grappled in the first place as it is automatically grappled if the attack hits.

If you read it really carefully, you’ll see that at no point does it mention the snake occupying the square of the thing that is grappled. Call it artistic licence, suspension of disbelief for necessary game mechanics or just plain old ‘coz magic, bitch!’, but it stays in its own square and the target stays where it was.

It’s not always easy to be living in this world of pain

Seven minutes after he started, it was, remarkably, still Joffrey’s turn and he was, remarkably, still getting shit for it:

  • Joffrey> The problem with D&D beyond is I have to go to Extras, Wild Shape, Giant Constrictor Snake, have a look at it, then go back to spells, scroll down to my bloody Flaming Sphere, scroll on that… nightmare!
  • DM> <gently> Why don’t you open another tab and have your Wild Shape on there?
  • <silence>
  • DM> And that, gentlemen, is the sound of the penny dropping.
  • <laughter>
  • Isaac> Careful Gary, that’s some thinking.
  • Joffrey> Because you can’t!
  • Abelas> For that he needs more screens.
  • <laughter>

As one IT professional to another, I’ll keep this at high level and with absolutely no sarcasm at all: open your character sheet and then open a second, blank tab. Right-click the URL in your character sheet tab, copy it, and then paste it into the URL bar of the second tab.

Quite remarkably this will now give you two open tabs with your character sheet on it and you can put the second one on your Wild Shape form whilst keeping the first one on your spells. If you are feeling really adventurous, you could open a third tab and have one for the front page, one for spells and one for Wild Shapes.

This is a fairly recent technological advancement that has only been around since 2008, apparently. Before that you had to use different browser Windows entirely to accomplish the same thing. How did we all manage back in the dark ages eh?

WOKE ALARM!

Generally, when it comes to offending people who live to be offended (usually on behalf of someone else who isn’t actually offended), the DM’s response is FUCK MY DICK!

However, it is now 2020 and freedom of speech has been severely curtailed by a bunch of fascist cunts who have learned absolutely fuck all from the last century of human history and think they are actually the good guys <sigh>

Consequently the conversation that followed, and was rather entertaining and very funny, mainly due to the DM mishearing the original abusive comment, will not be included. Truly, the world is a better place now though right? Right.

I’ll leave you with one comment so those that were there can remember and chuckle:

DM> It’ll certainly be ‘tart’ in the write-up!

You’re gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again

Joffrey’s turn lasted 13 minutes in total, which is nowhere near the record (Jake) but was still impressive for an online game where the play is usually a bit faster. 12 minutes of that were abuse though. Good times.

  • Isaac> Clay is going to use Legana(?) to attack this skeleton horse.. PLUS NINE?! <invokes heathen deity>
  • Abelas> <jealousy oozing from every syllable> He is insanely well-statted and he has a really fucking cool sword.

I’m just fucking with you Jake, Rincewind Abelas may not have stats but he does have character!

  • DM> COUGHGARGLECOUGH! Sorry, I’m having a coug… coughing fit.
  • Joffrey> Gary’s got the corona!
  • <Isaac rolls good (rolls well? Ugh, grammar) and the skeletal warhorse warhorse, skeletal is removed from the table>
  • Isaac> Clay then gets an extra attack?
  • DM> Yes, and he still has his Action Surge because Matt couldn’t be bothered to turn up this week.
  • Joffrey> Use it!
  • Isaac> So I use it.. I don’t need to use it..?
  • Joffrey> Attack first and then Action Surge.
  • Isaac> Ok, so second attack on the skeletal horse.
  • Abelas> You also don’t need to Action Surge, it is a resource that you can maintain, you don’t have to just spam it all like Adam
  • DM> Yes you do!
  • Isaac> <laughing> 20 to hit Gary?
  • Abelas> Wait.. did ‘I’ just tell someone else about preserving resources?!
  • <general laughter>

This was quite an important moment in the session, although none of us realised it at the time of course. The fight is well under control, most of the Hunt Lords are dead and the skeletons are a nuisance rather than a threat. There’s no need to blow resources when you don’t know what is around the corner (Adam).

  • Isaac> I’m not going to Action Surge just yet in case something else rocks up.
  • DM> Legana thinks you are a pussy.
  • Isaac> That’s all right, it’ll think I’m Matt
  • Regulus> It’s not your reputation!

The fight continues:

  • – Joffrey gets surround by skeleton spearmen spearmen, skeletal who all miss.
  • – Regulus points out that they should get a flanking bonus.
  • – The DM thanks Regulus for reminding him but then points out it doesn’t matter they still miss.
  • – Joffrey points out that Regulus is a dick and can ‘kindly fuck off’.
  • – Abelas gets attacked by three skeleton archers archers, skeletal and the DM rolls a crit.
  • – Abelas thinks about Shield and Joffrey points out he should take it like a man (he’s an elf).
  • – Tinny music is heard and Michael points out that it’s his job phone.
  • – Michael ignores his job phone because D&D is more important.
  • – Jake takes a lot of grief about turning up to work massively late which he does every single day.

And then it is Elvira’s turn again (brace yourselves):

  • Elvira\Adam> Oh shit, that’s me again!
  • <finger ↔ pulse>
  • Elvira\Adam> Er… I’m gonna…
  • Isaac> Don’t be shit Adam!
  • <I don’t think Elvira can miss even with Adam in charge… possibly if Matt were rolling…>
  • Elvira\Adam> Hunt Lord! Hunt Lord’s gonna get punt lorded!
  • <rolls 17>
  • Elvira\Adam> Fuck yeah! Does 27 hit? Of course it does because I’m a beast!
  • <Amazed laughter from the rest of us with a few started but not finished comments like “Right…” and “I don’t..” and “What…”>

I’m really sorry Christina, I knew it would be bad but I didn’t expect this.

  • Isaac> <incredulously> Is this the sort of thing you say to yourself when you knock one out?!
  • Elvira\Adam> I imagine this is how Elvira talks about herself!
  • <everyone loses it>
  • Isaac> What. The. Fuck?!
  • Elvira\Adam> How’s Hunt Lord 1 looking?
  • DM> Buggered.
  • Elvira\Adam> Finish him! Elvira wants to see the light go out from his eyes! <rolls 18> Fuck yeah! Eleven damage!
  • DM> <removes the last Hunt Lord from the table> If I could be arsed, I could go back and figure out how much damage Joffrey has done this entire campaign and compare it to what Elvira has done in the last two turns…
  • Elvira\Adam> We don’t want to do that though do we Gary?
  • DM> No, not really… but yeah, kind of!
  • <laughter>

Joffrey foolishly announced his intention to attack the two skeleton spearmen spearmen, skeletal that were attacking him but it was, as Isaac put it, Regulator’s turn next. He promptly took out both skeleton spearmen spearmen, skeletal with double lightning blasts from his totally-not-a-crotch-cannon and then remembered his balls boars and had them kill the last enemy combatant.

Joffrey was unimpressed.

End of combat.

‘Cause all I needed was a little faith

The room was searched and a chest found at the back. Unbeknownst (great word!) to the players, the lock is a mother to pick, the chest is pretty near indestructible and the key is on Amrath. The DM has plans for Amrath so they’ll have to go and get it off of him.

Well that was the plan, it didn’t quite work out like that.

  • DM> At the back of the room is a very sturdy looking chest.
  • Regulus> Ooh!
  • Joffrey> Can I try and constrict it?
  • DM> <sigh> You can certainly try.
  • Regulus> I can probably try and pick the lock
  • <Hah! Good luck with that>
  • Abelas> It could be a mimic…
  • Regulus> Are you constricting it Adam?
  • Joffrey> Er…
  • Regulus> Or are you scared it really is a mimic?
  • DM> I mean… it wasn’t going to be a mimic, but now…
  • <laughter>
  • Joffrey> Snakes are particularly perceptive.. plus 7… so can I have a look at it? With my snake eyes?
  • DM> What are you looking at it for?
  • Joffrey> To see if it’s trapped or.. er.. yeah, trapped.
  • DM> Ok, that’s investigation.
  • Joffrey> Er.. that’s a seven..
  • <There’s another distinctly Jake-sounding snigger>
  • Joffrey> I would then like to perceive the box…
  • <laughter>
  • Abelas> Do you see the box?!
  • <Joffrey rolls a 2>
  • Regulus> No! No he doesn’t!
  • <more laughter>
  • Regulus> Can I try and pick the lock then?
  • DM> It’s a Dex check but you get to add your proficiency.
  • <Regulus rolls a natural 20>
  • DM> Well… shit.

Yup, that buggered things a bit, never mind, we can adapt!

The chest contains 600 gp in a grey sack made of stitched orc skin, a leather pouch that holds six 50gp gems, and 1d3 magic items, determined by rolling on Magic Item Table B in chapter 7 of the Dungeon Master’s Guide. These were pre-rolled and Abelas got scrolls of Melf’s Acid Arrow and Leomund’s Tiny Hut and Clay was given a small flask containing Oil of Slipperiness.

The chest also contained a ledger written in Dwarvish.

At this point, Abelas mentions that he had Comprehend Languages memorised…

  • DM> Wait, wait, wait! You have Comprehend Languages memorised?!
  • Abelas> Yeah!
  • DM> You sad fuck.
  • <a bit harsh>
  • Joffrey> Yeah, who does that? You’re the shittest wizard I’ve ever met!
  • <definitely harsh>
  • Abelas> <laughing> Fuck off! It’s come in useful!
  • Joffrey> Isn’t it a ritual?
  • Regulus> Yeah, its a ritual.
  • Joffrey> Why the fuck would you want to know what they are shouting in combat?
  • <I can think of a few reasons for that one but I’d still rather have any one of a dozen level 2 spells memorised instead>
  • Regulus> Wait, what did it say about my mother?!

Abelas starts casting the spell by means of interpretive dance, this will take 10 minutes.

We actually had a performance check to see if Regulus’ boars would look judgementally at Abelas’ self-confessed shit dancing.

You’re not the only one who’s made mistakes

When finally read the ledger turned out to be written by Amrath in which he confesses to having lured the Hunt Lords into a deal with Orcus for immortality.

  • DM> So basically Amrath lured them into the Demon Lord’s embrace and he, ultimately, is the one responsible for all this.
  • Regulus> Oh..
  • Abelas> Oh…
  • Regulus> And… he’s behind us!
  • <laughter>
  • Joffrey> I told you we should have strapped him to a gargoyle!

They return to the entryway:

  • DM> He is no longer there.
  • Joffrey> Oh shit.
  • Abelas> Fuuuuuuck
  • Isaac> So that’s the motherfucker that you chained up outside?
  • Abelas> No, we didn’t chain him up
  • Joffrey> They wouldn’t let me!
  • <The DM has a sudden vision of naked manacled prisoners left in the wake of the marauding party for the next year or so *shudder*>
  • Abelas> There’s no guarantee that he would have stayed chained.
  • <No, no there isn’t>
  • Regulus> Should we search the house?
  • Abelas> Wait… Are the fucking statues gone?!

Yes. They are. The DM removed them before the start of the session. The six plinths that previously held gargoyle statues have been empty since the beginning of the session and it’s taken these trained investigators nearly two hours to notice.

  • Regulus> Yeah, I can’t see the gargoyles!
  • Joffrey> Er…
  • <nervous laughter>
  • Abelas> Ohhh fuuuuck!

Indeed.

Just like a boxer in a title fight, you got to walk in that ring all alone

Regulus was suddenly convinced that the Shield dwarf they met was actually a Duergar and had turned invisible. In actuality, was a CR6 Mage NPC from the Monster Manual and has Greater Invisibility. He is also outside with the gargoyles and not in the kitchen.

This is rated as a deadly encounter but the gargoyles are half dead and Amrath is insane so that all evens out right? Right.

Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

It immediately went horribly wrong, obviously.

And so, with hit points missing, spell slots expended and faced with a missing evil mastermind, last seen in the immediate vicinity, they did the obvious thing; they split the party.

As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said: Seriously? AGAIN?! Look Princess, in combat teamwork is essential! For starters, it gives the enemy other people to shoot at!

Abelas, Regulus and the two boars headed for the kitchen to search. Roll initiative!

Christopher mentioned he had a bad migraine (he sounded like shit too) and the DM sympathised as something very similar tends to happen to him every Thursday evening.

  • DM> <assessing the situation and the initiative> Ok, this is going to be… painful.
  • Regulus> I do wonder why half the party is outside and didn’t follow us to look for this man.
  • Joffrey> We are protecting you!
  • Regulus> I’ll so laugh if he comes from outside and Fireballs you lot instead of us.
  • <funny he should say that..>
  • DM> Ok, uncloaking by the fountain is Amrath.
  • Regulus> Is he a Duergar? Please say he’s a Duergar!
  • DM> He is not a Duergar.

Regulus was unimpressed.

  • DM> He casts Fireball in the doorway.
  • Isaac> Ugh!
  • Joffrey> Who keeps giving Gary fucking ideas?
  • DM> As he’s just a standard mage, you will be pleased to hear his spell save is only 14.
  • Regulus> That’s as shit as our wizard!
  • Abelas> <offended but laughing> Just you wait till I get to put points in Intelligence!

Everyone made the save except Clay and the DM rolled “the shittest Fireball in the world ever” with 19 damage from 8d6 (average 28, maximum 48).

Amrath is a standard mage from the Monster Manual but with Invisibility instead of Counterspell. As such he has some firepower but only an AC of 15 and 40 hit points. If they can get to him, they can fuck him the fuck up but they have to get to him.

Having nuked the lobby, Amrath runs sideways out of sight of those inside. The DM then realises that Amrath actually has Greater Invisibility but decided not to use it because retroactively doing that would have been cheese. Plus Amrath is insane and not particularly in the mood for hiding once he has successfully ambushed the twats that just ruined 200 years of scheming.

You probably don’t want to hear advice from someone else

  • DM> Elvira?
  • Elvira\Adam> <to Isaac> Elvira made the save, just sayin’. I managed to pull Christina through, what are you doing for Matt?
  • Isaac> Having a headache, shut the fuck up, you’re more irritating than usual.
  • DM> Umm.. Elvira?
  • Elvira\Adam> Oh! That’s me!
  • <sigh>
  • Elvira\Adam> Elvira is going to go full longbow!
  • <Interesting, as she can’t see anything>
  • DM> Ok… what, exactly, are you going to shoot?
  • Regulus and Abelas> The snake?!
  • Elvira\Adam> <having finally realised there’s nothing to shoot> Oh shit, yeah, I see your point now!
  • Abelas> Prep an attack for the first thing you see!
  • Elvira\Adam> <sarcastically> Yeah, thanks Jake, yeah, thanks! <grumpily> So she’s going to prep an attack for the first wizard she sees and fucking shoot him!
  • <laughter>
  • Abelas> I think we established Clay was a potential wizard didn’t we?
  • Elvira\Adam> First wizardesque thing she sees! Er.. no, she’s going to prep an attack for the first enemy she sees.

I feel that if Christopher had not been a bit fucked he would have had a few choice words to say to Adam over this one.

Abelas spent two minutes describing all the things he wasn’t going to do and then stayed in the kitchen and Blade-Warded himself even though the bad guy was miles away outside the castle. Well, that’s one way of doing it.

Don’t forget your second wind

Clay’s turn:

  • Clay\Christopher> Er.. right…
  • Joffrey> Second Wind?
  • Regulus> Yeah has he got Second Wind?
  • Clay\Christopher> Er.. Second Wind… Second Wind.. it’s on the sheet… oh yeah, found it.
  • DM> Great, now Billy Joel is stuck in my head.

Safety Snake slithers out of the door and spots Amrath crouched down behind a former-gargoyle pedestal. He also spots the six gargoyles lurking behind each side of the door.

You’re only human, you’re allowed to make your share of mistakes

Joffrey drops form and becomes a puny human druid again and casts Call Lighting so it covers most of the combat area outside of the castle, and then hits Amrath with it. The dwarf, who is suddenly remarkably spry, manages to make the Dex save.

The DM counts out 30ft of movement for the gargoyles and comes up just short of the squishy druid:

  • Joffrey> Ah, look at that, perfectly safe!
  • DM> Er.. oh, gargoyles have 60ft of flight.

Joffrey cries a little as he is surrounded and beaten unconscious by six gargoyles.

DRUID DOWN!

  • Abelas> What was that about perfect calculation?
  • Joffrey> Perfect calculation to get fucked in the arse!
  • DM> I’ve got Drikk in my brain going “Ballsy! Really, really fucking stupid, but ballsy!”

Isaac moves out of the doorway and uses Radiance of Dawn on the gargoyles and then cast Healing Word getting Joffrey back on his feet. Unfortunately he could then not withdraw because he would have taken four attacks of opportunity so he stayed put.

Christopher then had to sadly leave and was rather ill later on. He should be fine but if he isn’t we will soon have the tourettes table to draw from so we can always remember him.

CHRISTOPHER DOWN!

The DM would like to take this opportunity to remind his players that, whilst being dead is an acceptable excuse for missing D&D (barely), dying is not. Hospitals have Internet connections these days and it’s not like you have anything better to do!

Also Chris, if you do get a CAT scan Adam asked to be informed if they find any cats in there.

‘Cause you’re thinking everything’s gone wrong, sometimes you just want to lay down and die

  • DM> Amrath, gibbering about 200 years of wasted work, nakedness and gargoyles, steps out from behind the pedestal, advances 30ft and casts… Cone of Cold.
  • Regulus> Wow!
  • Joffrey> Better than a Lightning Bolt.
  • Regulus> Isn’t that like a fifth level spell or something?
  • DM> Er… yeah, it is fifth level.

He only gets one of those, but they don’t know that.

  • Joffrey> Before we continue Gary, I’d like to point out that my max hit points were reduced to 41…
  • <worried laughter>
  • Joffrey> So all you have to do is 52 damage and I’m dead.
  • DM> You should be all right…
  • <more laughter>
  • DM> On the law of averages you should be ok… but there’s a chance you’re about to get fucked.
  • <That’s not actually what the DM meant because he has studied statistics, he meant an average roll would be ok. The Law of Averages is a whole other matter and widely misunderstood, like when it is used for monthly job stats (purely as an example)>
  • Joffrey> I have no idea what this is going to do… but I imagine it’s going to hurt.
  • DM> A blast of cold air erupts from his hands. Each creature in a 60ft cone must make a Constitution saving throw. Half damage on save. I’m not going to cover the damage just yet. A creature killed by the spell becomes frozen.

Joffrey rolls a natural 20, Elvira makes it as well, Isaac fails it.

  • DM> Ok, it is 8d8.
  • Joffrey> Fucking wot?!
  • Regulus> Yeah, it’s a good spell.

Minimum 8, maximum 64, average 36… the DM rolls 40.

Joffrey breathes again.

DRUID DOWN!

CLERIC DOWN!

RANGER DOWN!

All but two of the gargoyles got wiped out and the two that made it were not very well off.

Abelas is 50ft from the door and a further 40ft from Amrath. Even if he hitches his robes up, he isn’t getting within range to make a shot.

As Abelas is pondering his options (maybe he should have moved last turn?) Adam informs everyone about a cat excrement issue he was having to deal with <sigh>.

Jake made the mistake of enquiring about some specifics and were treated to an exposition on the type, the smell, which cat it was, what that cat usually does, how the items in question were the largest ever seen from a cat (turds of unusual size?!), how the other cat’s offering were smaller and how and how long each cat takes to cover aforesaid offerings.

We can all look forward to similar discussion about child excretions when Adam becomes daddy-Adam soon. Joy.

So to recap the current situation; three members of the party are down, the wizard has done nothing and is in no position to do anything, Regulus and Clay are just inside the doorway 60-65ft from Amrath who is stood in the middle of the courtyard frothing slightly. Oh and the DM is having a mild panic attack because he thinks he might have overdone this one and gotten everyone killed. Oh and Adam’s place stinks of cat shit.

It’ll be fine though!

Regulus takes charge of Clay and ponders moving him to the doorway, shooting Amrath with a longbow and then Action Surging. The DM points out that if he is going to action surge, Clay has just enough movement to dash to Amrath on the first turn and would get two melee attacks on the second turn.

The DM wouldn’t typically intervene to this extent but Michael isn’t used to playing a fighter and the DM doesn’t want an undeserved total party wipe on his hands.

Clay crits with his first melee attack and took all but one hit point from the unfortunate dwarf, and them finishes him off with the second blow. Chop! Chop! Amrath down!

Regulus double blasts the last two gargoyles into oblivion. Fight over and everyone didn’t die. Phew.

We then had to explain, again, Ritual spellcasting for wizards to Jake, which explains the whole memorising Comprehend Languages thing. Some of you may recall the DM wrote out an entire ‘Fuck me, D&D is complicated’ section explaining it in a write-up <sigh> Why do I bother?

Sooner or later you’ll feel that momentum kick in

  • DM> So… back to town?
  • Joffrey> Shall we short rest first?
  • Regulus> I’m assuming he’s got no treasure on him?
  • DM> Not really…
  • Abelas> That was all in the chest.
  • Regulus> I have now got a spare key!
  • DM> You can have a chest too if you really want one. You can put it on the cart of you take the cart with you.
  • Joffrey> Yeah we’ll take the cart..
  • <Abelas and Regulus simultaneously get really excited with lots of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhhs’ which was mildly disturbing the first time and downright eerie listening back to it>
  • Abelas> Ooh! The saddles! Keep the saddles!
  • Regulus> Aaah! The Saddles!
  • DM> Yes, you are now the proud owners of five exceptionally good saddles.
  • Abelas> There’s only five saddles… but Matt didn’t turn up!
  • Regulus> But why do we need exceptional saddles?
  • Abelas> Why don’t you want a good saddle?
  • Regulus> Because we could sell them for quite a lot of money!
  • DM> You just don’t love your horse very much do you Michael?

Abelas reluctantly agreed to sell the saddles. Joffrey was strangely silent on the issue. It’ll be interesting to see what the others think of that decision.

As they arrive back in town they see two of the three brothers. The elder one Rantharl, is not present and Lezryk, has a wound to the shoulder.

Joffrey enquires what happened and is informed that Rantharl was killed by a hill giant. Regulus offers some healing, which is gratefully accepted, but succeeds in a medicine check and notices the wound is clearly caused by a rapier. The brothers insist it was a spike from a hill giant’s club.

Further questions resulted in pissed off brothers and no further information.

  • Regulus> Do we want to push this guys?
  • Joffrey> No! Because I have one hit point left!
  • <laughter>

They had actually short rested but they weren’t in the best of shape for a confrontation so they all head inside.

Avgar greets the party and states that they look like they have been through the wringer:

  • Regulus> The Hunt Lords are dead…
  • Avgar> Oh. Again?
  • Regulus> Again.
  • <laughter>
  • Avgar> Well done, I’m sure it will last.. a while at least… this time.
  • DM> He gives you the impression this may have happened a few times before.
  • Regulus> Amrath is also dead now.
  • Avgar> The castellan?! What has got to do with it? You killed that old man?
  • Abelas> Can I show him the book?!

The party are offered free board at the White Hart Inn any time they pass through.

I really didn’t want to record any of the following bollocks but I feel compelled to make it public <sigh>:

  • DM> You leave the village as a much better place than you found it… for a change.
  • <They normally leave places in flames and under attack from dragons and demon lords so this is definitely an improvement>
  • Abelas> And all because of a pigeon!
  • Regulus> <to Joffrey> Are you still carrying the pigeon? We can lay it out to rest now and its soul can go to heaven because its been avenged!
  • <You see the shit I have to deal with each week?!>
  • Abelas> Which heaven?
  • Regulus> Pigeon heaven! Er.. I think its bird heaven. I think its generic.
  • Abelas> Is it Lathander or some other shit?
  • Regulus> No.. it’s probably the beast lands.
  • Abelas> <sounding utterly unconvinced> Ah, yeah, yeah, beast lands, right.
  • Joffrey> I can do a religious check and let you know if you want… about animal religion.
  • <O’rlly?>
  • Regulus> this is where you roll a one and we end up sacrificing it to Asmodeus!
  • <everybody cracks up>
  • DM> Oh I like that!
  • Joffrey> That’s a 4.
  • DM> Yeah… you have no fucking clue where… <loses it> …pigeons go… when they die..
  • Joffrey> Pigeons go to Selune! Selune will guide pigeons. They are essentially… the moon doves of the day!
  • <everybody loses it>
  • DM> Make a <starts laughing again> make a deception check.
  • <Joffrey rolls a 2. Surprisingly this does not decrease the amount of mirth in the slightest>
  • DM> Could you two <loses it, has to try again> Could.. <deep breath> Could you two pleas make insight checks…
  • Abelas> <laughing so hard he can barely speak> What’s my.. what’s my fucking insight?! <cracks up again>
  • Joffrey> You can choose to believe… if you want to!

It took some time to regain composure. Just as we were all getting it under control, Jake blurted out ‘Moon doves of the day!’ and set us all off again.

Good times.

  • DM> Avgar asks you what you are called. Now, I’ll give you some time to think about it so have a chat amongst yourselves but if, as happened last time, you do not come up with a name for yourselves, people will start assigning names to you. And since ‘people’ is me, it is likely to be a lot less flattering than what you want.
  • Regulus> Pigeon Saviours!
  • DM> Moon Doves of Selune!

There was a lot of support for that one but only because they thought it was funny about how angry Christopher would be about it.

So I could catch my breath and face the world again

A well-deserved long rest was taken.

The following morning they see the two remaining brothers riding out again. There’s 20 minutes of content here that I’m just going to summarise because this is already 19 pages and that’s far too long.

  • – The brothers ride out and the party follow behind them.
  • – They hear the distant ring of swords and enter a small clearing where Lezryk is standing over the body of Marthun with a bloodied rapier in hand.
  • – Lezryk is interrogated and claims Marthun attack him first.
  • – The brothers are due an inheritance and they agreed that the first one to land a killing blow on a hill giant would keep it all.
  • – He also claimed that Rantharl turned on them and they had to kill him.
  • – He offers them 10,000gp if they keep their mouths shut.
  • – They have to collect it from him at his estate in Neverwinter in a few months.
  • – Insight checks show that most of what he tells them is true, but not all of it.
  • – Joffrey wanted to kill him for possibly murdering Marthun.
  • – So Joffrey wants to commit actual murder to avenge possible murder.
  • – Adam suffers a logic fail on several different levels forcing the DM to explain that if he is fucking dead, they can’t fucking blackmail him for the fucking money!

They let Lazryk go with a promise to see him later:

  • Lazryk> If you want the money, you know where to go.
  • Regulus> That’s going to be a big-ass fight isn’t it?
  • Joffrey> No, because we’ll forget.

So very true.

The DM said he would explain what they should have done but they pretty much nailed it and this may develop when they get to Neverwinter and there may be some ramifications of this whole thing going forwards. Or not.

They move Marthun’s body and bury it in an unmarked location, noting landmarks so they can find it again.

End of Session

Next time on Ten-foot Squares:

  • – Will they come up with a party name?
  • – Will the DM have to come up with a vaguely insulting name for them?
  • – Will they find any cats in Christopher’s cat scan?
  • – What will the other think about the plan to sell the saddles?

Tune in next week to find out!

Post-session Guff

Nothing this week.

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