Starring:
Henry as Darin the Rogue – Oh and you’ll just pop out and play the flute?
Adam as Ari/Beaver the Wizard – I think we should go to Womford!
Jake as Kroq the Fighter – I run up and poke it!
Chris H. as Uhffo –> “Uuffo!” the Bard – I will roll initiative on you fuckers if we rest!
Matthew as Cru the Cleric – Can I look up and examine the ceiling?
The DM – He’s malnooish.. malunor.. malo.. oh fuck it, you know what I mean!
Prelude
The main story so far:
– There really still isn’t one; it’s really still a prelude dummy.
Shopping
Back in town the group went shopping and then rested. Cru found out the glowy orb was a ‘Driftglobe’ which is basically a rather underwhelming floating light bulb and absolutely does not explode, or do anything else very interesting. It can cast a really bright light in a really big area once a day so that might come in useful at some point.
A reasonably reasonable discussion took place on ownership of the Wand of Magic Missiles. The DM was shocked at the lack of the usual bickering. Yeah, that shit didn’t last long.
Ari was somewhat unimpressed that she only has 11 hit points at level 2. Kroq, on 28, was rather smug.
As the party left the inn the DM remembered they were owed 50g each for clearing out the Necromancer’s Crack. As they had finished shopping this meant some of them now had enough money to go back shopping again. Yeah, this was technically a DM fuck-up but they didn’t even remember the quest, let alone the reward, so I can live with the guilt.
Kaylessa, the inn-keeper at the Swinging Sword inn, had sent the group to the Necromancer’s Crack believing that might be the source of all the odd happenings recently. Alas, it was not so. Some weird shit is still going on.
Uffo discarded the severed arm he had been lugging about since last week.
Spelunking
As the group left the inn a large sinkhole opened up in a street nearby and three kids fell in. A woman ran up to the hole and the edge crumbled and she fell in as well.
Kroq did what Kroq does and ran up to the hole. He fell in as well.
Uhffo approached the hole and asked “Can I perception?”
He rolled a 1.
Darin> No, obviously you can’t bloody perception!
Uhffo spent several seconds studying the large hole in the ground, turned to the group and informed them that that it was indeed a large hole in the ground. He then carefully walked to the edge of the hole which promptly crumbled and he fell in.
Ari, having thought about it for a bit, lay down and carefully crawled to the edge of the hole, it did not crumble. Within the hole is a big pile of dirt with all the fallen people on it, unharmed, but there’s a much bigger cave system down there. A rope was tied off and lowered to those below.
Kroq asked what they should do about the kids. Ari asked “What kids?” <sigh>. The unfortunate townspeople were evacuated from the dark pit.
Darin had a conversation with a couple of the town elders who were wibbling on about not moving the stones and not disturbing the Delvers. The elders demanded the party not go down the hole.
The party went down the hole.
The Rusty Ring
It was dark in the hole and light was needed. Kroq requested it be cast on his battle-axe so Uffo cast it on his armour and made it pink.
They were in a large cave with a tunnel leading off north and a big stone door to the east with a rusty ring-pull handle. A joke was now made relating to a rusty ring that I am not going to replicate in print. Yeah, says it all.
Ari, a divination wizard, pulled out some tarot cards and did a reading on where to go next. The cards, according to Ari at least, indicated the party should go through the rusty ring door.
The rest of the group obviously headed the other way up the tunnel.
The tunnel ended at a doorway that Uffo judged was under the wagon works. This ties in with information from a grumpy halfling they met in the pub in session 1 that something dodgy was going on in the wagon workshop.
The party returned to the original room and progressed through the rusty-ring door. They came to a 4-way junction and were trying to decide where to go when Ari pulled out the tarot cards again.
At this point the game degenerated into a discussion about Darin’s invisible hand, various character’s combat efficiency (“Oh and you’ll just pop out and play the flute?”) and the interpretation of the tarot cards; “YOU don’t know the cards!” <sigh>
Rats!
The party chose a direction and eventually found a room where several giant rats were feeding on three corpses.
Uffo inspired Kroq (lasts for ten minutes) then Kroq moved up and loosed his breath weapon attack hitting all of them. It was a little underwhelming with three of the rats making a save. If you add up the total damage it was decent but it didn’t kill any of them, just set them smouldering and pissed them off.
Darin, very happy now he has some proper l33t roguey skillz, ran up and stabbed a rat to death then performed a bonus disengage action. There wasn’t actually anything near him he needed to disengage from but it seemed to make him happy.
Ari tickled some of them with an Acid Splash and Cru tickled something with a Sacred Flame. Cantrips aren’t great at these low levels.
Kroq blew a rare inspiration to kill a rat. It seemed to make him happy.
Uffo attempted to tame the last rat with some rations. Someone pointed out that it would be really handy if he had, say, a severed arm to feed it about now. Uffo performed an animal handling check to tame the frenzied, near-dead, smouldering, acid burned rat; “Now caaaaaalm down…”
It launched itself at his face and bit off a chunk of his ear.
The poor creature was eventually put out of its misery (the rat, not the bard).
The three corpses were found to have a strange emblem carved into their foreheads.
Floaters
The next room contained a rock, roughly 1ft in diameter, floating about 5ft off the ground.
Uffo wanted nothing to do with it. Ari said “I’m not doing shit”. Kroq, doing what Kroq does, ran up and poked it.
It didn’t explode. Opinions were split on whether this was a good thing or not. Further investigations took place:
Ari> Can I examine the ceiling?
DM> You can, you look up and see nothing unusual.
5 seconds later:
Cru> Can I look up and examine the ceiling?
DM> Uh.. yes… you can, you look up and see nothing unusual.
Ari> /facepalm
Eventually they discovered that an area around 10ft across that was magically enchanted to lift items weighing something less than a Dragonborn in heavy armour, like a halfling bard who now found himself flying.
Is it a bard? Is it plane? No its.. Oh, wait, it is a bard. Shit.
As the DM I literally have all the answers in front of me so it’s easy to mock but it should be born in mind that this is a game where strange things can, have, and will explode in your face if you touch them inappropriately. So while this simple floating rock did hold the party up for quite a long time, they managed to investigate it without taking any overly stupid risks.
As the party departed the room and discussed what the magical lifting beam thingy (technical arcane terminology) was for, Uffo was heard to say, in a very sarcastic tone, “So someone just built a cave for floating rocks in then?!”
The DM had a quiet little chuckle to himself.
Chillin Out
The next room contained a large statue of a Dwarf with a dagger and there were coins and gems on the floor before it. At a distance of around 5ft from the statue is a ring of fine gravel. Having been held up by a floating rock for 20 minutes they were now held up by a ring of gravel for another 10 before Cru stepped up and stepped over.
Nothing happened.
The dagger was clearly magical and Darin and Cru both wanted it and both wanted to know what it does. However, that would require at least an hour of study i.e. a short rest. They are in a room with three doors. They only know what is behind one of them; the way they came in. They decided to rest. They didn’t need to rest but rest they did, in the middle of a dungeon, in a room with three possible approaches, none of which were secured.
Uffo was unimpressed.
About 20 minutes into the rest, coffee brewing, power naps being taken, Cru staring relentlessly at the dagger, they party were ambushed by 6 cultists sent into the caves by the elders. The cultists were wearing the same emblem that was carved into the foreheads of the three corpses by the rats.
Uffo was very unimpressed.
The bandits got two rounds of combat in before most of the party got to act and the DM was extremely unimpressed with their performance. Only a few attacks landed out of 12 attempts and most of those were on poor Cru. These guys sucked monkey balls.
Kroq asked if he could use his bardic inspiration. The DM pointed out it lasts for 10 minutes and they had rested for 20 and so it had expired.
Uffo was majorly unimpressed.
The party had managed to whittle down half of the McWhiffy brothers when the other door opened and a half-orc thug, having heard the fighting from the other room, ran in and joined the fray.
Uffo was spectacularly unimpressed.
Uffo then landed a Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on the new arrival who promptly collapsed on the floor laughing and that’s pretty much where he stayed until Darin finished him off with a backstabby rapier attack a few rounds later.
Having survived the rather scary fight it was noticed that Uffo had forgotten about the rather powerful Wand of Magic Missiles and not used it.
The party were unimpressed.
Developments
So, something resembling the following conversation took place:
Uffo> I told you we shouldn’t have rested; you are all bunch of cunts!
Party> Should we finish our rest?
Uffo> WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK? You have to be kidding me! I will burn this place down! It will be on! I will roll initiative on you fuckers if we rest! <insert more of the same here for about 10 minutes>
Darin> But we’re all fucked and if we rest we can heal up with hit dice.
Uffo> Oh. Ok, lets rest then <starts playing his flute>
DM> <sigh>
The dagger turned out to be called Reszur and has +1 to attack and damage, is silent when attacking or cutting and can be used as a dim light source.
The thug came from a bigger room, the McWhiffy brothers came from a short corridor with another door. Light was dim so the DM had them roll perception checks and told them there was a whimpering sound coming from a pile of rocks in the big room and there was a chair that looked a bit odd in the corridor. They headed into the big room.
The whimpering was coming from a young boy buried under the rocks. They got him out and, once Jake assisted the DM with the word ‘malnourished’, gave him some food and drink. The boy imparted some quality information:
– The elders are a group calling themselves the Believers
– There are a bunch of big rocks in a big room at the end of the cave. The rocks move about from time to time. The Believers have never seen the rocks move.
– There are a bunch of dead bodies in the big cave that the Believers call Delvers.
– The Believers believe the spirits of the Delvers move the rocks as portents of the future and will warn them of danger if only they can read the signs.
At this point the town lawman Constable Harburk showed up. Insight checks were made and the party felt he was to be trusted. He said he would take the boy back to town and indicated he would start an investigation into the elders and the bodies in the cave that the rats had eaten. Several travellers had gone missing from Red Larch in recent months and this is now a murder investigation.
Darin wanted to be deputised but Harburk felt the rogue was a loose cannon on the ragged edge and would probably break all the rules in his crusade to chase down the vicious perp and only end up being put on administrative leave and having to hand in his badge and hand-crossbow… er.. if he were ever given them… or something..
Where was I? Oh, who cares? Onwards!
The party could choose to go investigate the dodgy chair or back track around to the first crossroads they came to. They had to pass the dwarf statue to go either way. From the dwarf statue the chair is 60ft away, the cross-passage is 280ft away (yes, I counted it). They went to the cross-passage <sigh>.
The other passageway led to a dead end. As they backtracked they heard footsteps running off because someone followed them out and has now gotten away. They got back to the chair and found signs someone had been hiding behind it and soiled themselves.
Now, because they did the wrong thing (again) the DM has to try and work in information they were supposed to get from the dude they incompetently let escape. It was right there but you couldn’t just walk up and look at it could you? Noooooo! You had to go walkabout 5 times around the bloody dungeon instead <sigh>
Into the big cave and the boss fight. Yeah, he’s got some tricks but he’s not really a boss as was about to be proved.
The not-quite-a –boss, not-quite-a-fight, fight
Big cave full of big rocks, bad dude hiding, Uffo and Darin rolled high perception and spotted him standing on the ceiling (Spiderclimb). Uffo and Ari rolled a high initiative and Uffo landed some fairy-fire shite that rendered him visible to everyone and gave them advantage. Fuckers.
Not-quite-a-boss got nuked hard by Ari and retaliated with a Shatter that got some knickers a bit wet and knocked out Ari (again).
WIZARD DOWN!
That’s every session so far Adam. Just sayin.
Cru, understandably torn between healing Ari or nuking shit, reluctantly healed the squishy Wizard.
Booo!
The Bard stepped up and unleashed a max 3 charges from the Wand of Magic Missiles (WoMM from now on) and nuked the living shit out of the unfortunate not-quite-a-boss. He also had his airy-fairy-fire shite change colour with each missile hit. Not-quite-a-boss died like a used disco ball that’s seen one too many Saturday night fevers. He also died having made only one single attack.
As Drikk Fra-Kar, six-time grand champion of the Luskan extreme arena once said “Fucking Bards!”
The not-quite-a-boss turned out to be a priest of a cult called The Black Earth, whose symbol was on the corpses and armour of the cultists. The cave was an old dwarven quarry workshop, especially enchanted for the moving of large rocks about. Yes Uffo, they really did make this cave to float rocks in.
The priest was moving the stones about to fool the Believers into joining the cult and bringing the town under Black Earth control. The cultists killed earlier were the robed figures in the quarry at night scaring people away from the caves.
Ding-ding: welcome to level 3!
Here endeth the prelude!
Chapter One
Secret of the Sumber Hills
The main adventure starts in Red Larch with the players investigating the disappearance of a trade delegation from the city of Mirabar. They will have to gather clues that will lead them to four Haunted Keeps in the Sumber Hills. These old fortresses have become secret outposts for the cults of Elemental Evil!
Fucking Womford? Really? SERIOUSLY? Why? WHHHYYYYY?!?!
Because fucking Beaver appeared, that’s why.
So, the prelude is over and the actual proper story starts. It’s about 8.30 and the DM suggested they could get some stuff done in 30 mins and go home.
A delegation from the city of Mirabar has disappeared while heading to a nearby abbey. All of the player’s factions want this delegation found for a variety of reasons and there are some personal quest hook-ups too. The DM has seeded four locations in the information given to the party:
– They were last seen in the town of Beliard
– An area between Beliard and the abbey shows signs of heavy magic use
– Some fresh, unmarked graves have been located to the west of the abbey
– Some books, which might have belonged to one of the delegates, turned up in a keelboat captain’s inventory a long way from any of the above.
So the main quest for everyone is finding the delegation. Ari’s personal quest involves finding one of the delegation and some of his books.
At this point Beaver turned up and all sensible considerations took a jump out of the nearest window.
So here’s the thing about Beaver; imaging walking down the street when suddenly a tramp, naked except for a chicken hat, smeared in BBQ sauce and brandishing a gigantic purple dildo, runs screaming at you! It’s scary, it makes no fucking sense whatsoever, and yet it is strangely compelling. Mostly you just want to run away but a part of you also wants to see what’s going to happen next. Whatever else it is, it isn’t dull. Welcome to Beaverworld.
Beaver’s personal quest is in Womford and Adam is damn well going to rationalise all sorts of shit to make Womford sound like a reasonable place to start, instead of say, just for shits and giggles, the place the delegation was last seen at, or the place they were possibly ambushed at, or the place where some of the bodies might be buried at. Nope, they went full-Beaver and started at the end instead of the beginning. <sigh>
“What can graves tell you?”
See that shit right there? That’s called cognitive dissonance. Someone wilfully discounts what dead bodies can tell you about a crime in order to pursue self-interest and mentally deludes themselves that it’s a totally justified decision.
A vote was held on where to go next.
Ari Beaver then managed to convince both Cru and Kroq that the books were the place to start the investigation. It was like actual, real magic watching Beaver convince rational people into doing something that made no sense.
Uffo and Darin were extremely unimpressed.
The DM was pissing himself laughing. First rule of DMing etc <sigh>
Once it was over and the decision made, the DM asked a simple question:
“If you are looking for missing people, where, logically, would you start your investigation?”
The answer was unanimous (except for Beaver obviously); you start where they went missing.
The campaign book lists the available options in a certain order. Womford is last. It’s behind even the abbey and they never even considered going there.
On literally the first decision they have to make in the campaign proper, they picked the worst, most illogical choice out of 5 possibilities. This is going to be a long few months.
How not to avoid a fight
If the rumours of valuable dwarven books are true, and if they originated with the delegation, they are almost certainly unlawfully obtained. So Ari wanders up to the first sailor on the Womford dock and outright asks to buy stolen dwarven books. Somewhat unsurprisingly the sailor denied all knowledge of them. Imagine approaching a suspected drug dealer on a street and going “Excuse me my good fellow! Can I buy some of that crack cocaine stuff from you? Hmm?” Yeah, not likely to work is it?
At this point a blue-skinned individual, accompanied by a rough looking halfling and four of his crew, approached.
Uffo stepped forward saying he would negotiate with the sailors and his persuasion came out as a rather surprising threat that if the hardened pirate captain didn’t cooperate there would be… trouble.
Well, that was one approach I guess.
This is what the book says about the blue-skinned dude: “If questioned, he denies any knowledge of books or delegates from Mirabar. Characters who present themselves as fellow rogues or potential recruits might be able to persuade him to admit that <REDACTED>. Characters who threaten or act suspiciously trigger an attack from <blue dude> and his crew.”
Roll initiative!
End of session.
Next time on DFU does D&D:
– What will the players choose as their new characters?
– Will they finally learn never, ever, ever to listen when Adam goes full-Beaver?
– Will the DM let their new characters carry over the magic items they found?
– Will the DM start them out at level 1 again?
Tune in next week to find out!